00x01 - The King's Birthday

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Blackadder". Aired: 15 June 1983 – 2 November 1989.*
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An out-of-favor son tries to win the approval of his father, the king.
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00x01 - The King's Birthday

Post by bunniefuu »

There, that should do it.

To my lords of the kings own council.

I received this morning
your kind invitation...

to organize a gala performance...

to celebrate his gracious majesty king
Charles surviving another year...

with head and shoulders still attached.

I've replied by return to thank you.

And when I say "to thank you",

I mean of course,
to tell you to sod off.

I would rather go to Cornwall,

marry a pig,

have thirteen children by her,

and see them all become
members of parliament.

I would rather hack of my big toe,

slice it,

mix it with beetroot,

and serve it to the poor
folk of Clapham,

as a light summer salad.

Ask me if you wish,

to bury my face between the
buttocks of a flatulant baboon,

but never under any circumstances

ask me to involve myself in
a royal gala performance.

My reasons my lords are twofold:

As first part it is a well
and long established fact,

that royal galas...

are very,

very,
very,

dull.

So dull, that strong men
have been known...

to stamp their own testicles
in an effort to stay awake.

Through the all singing all
dancing no talent tedium...

that represents British
variety at its best.

There are more genuine laughts
to be had conducting an autopsy.

There is more musical
talent on display...

everytime my servant
Baldrick breaks wind.

If the king has even half a brain,

which I believe is exactly
what he does have,

he will spend his birthday
in pious prayer...

naked,

in a bramble patch,

with mouse traps attached
to his orbs and scepter.

I hope I make myself clear.

I am yours as ever, Lord
Blackadder, privy councilor.

Shortly to be privy attendant,

if Cromwell has his way
with the aristocracy.

Your majesty!

Ahhh, Slackbladder.

Roll-de-roll and hi-de-hi. Beeeh!

It's my birthday and I'll
"BEEEH" if I want to.

I just popped in to see if you were
going to organize my royal gala.

Well your majesty,
it seems to me that...

I was talking about it the
other day to lord Rumsy,

and the cringing curd
dared to suggest...

that we tone things down a bit.

To pander to the popular mood.


I want you to kick his ass, and give
him a good clout about the head.

Well, certainly, sir.

You'll find his arse
in a ditch in Tyburn,

and his head on a spike
at Traitor's Gate.

I take it, incidentally, Blackadder...

that you think a birthday
gala is a good idea?

Sire, I think it will be the
most exciting creation...

since god said to himself,
God it's a bit dark around here,

how about I brighten
things up a bit?

Splendid! I shall want you
to open the whole thing,

some sort of speech, telling everybody
how wonderful it's all going to be.

You know the sort of thing.

Well, sire, it'll be my honour.

Excellent, excellent, well done.

Let's have a preview then.
Show me what you can do.

Improvise! Let's have a look.

Uh, well, uh...

Come on come on,
let's hear something.

Well uh...

Your majesty, your
royal highnesses,

my lords, ladies,
and gentlemen.

I stand here tonight,
as excited...

as a masochist who has just been
arrested by the spanish inquisition.

What you're about to witness...

will be the most exciting
piece of entertainment...

since Bernard the bear baiter

stopped using a big brown cushion,

and actually got himself a bear.

I ask you to put your hands together,

as I joyfully introduce this
fiftieth birthday celebration.

Let the revelries begin!

Hm. Very good. Very good.
Needs a few jokes of course...
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