(Woman) Noble Prince, your secret
note of love has won my heart.
The castle of my body is yours,
by right of conquest.
Come, let your tongue dive
into the moat of my mouth,
let your hands take possession
of the ramparts of my plumpies.
For I'm yours, and yours alone.
And I'm yours.
Urgh! Edmund!
I thought you your brother.
Uh, uh, uh, aaaagh!
(Falls to the ground)
(Dogs bark ferociously)
The Swiss are always cowards.
(Drums b*at)
My Lord, good news.
The Swiss have invaded France.
Excellent!
Wessex, while they're away, take
, troops and pillage Geneva.
But the Swiss are our allies.
Well, get them to dress up
as Germans, will you?
Remind me to send flowers
to the King of France,
in sympathy for his son.
- The one you had m*rder*d?
- Yes.
(Harry)
Father!
- My Lord..
- Will you get away from me!
Ha, ha, Harry,
the gentle art of diplomacy.
But you know where
the real secret of diplomacy lies?
I don't. But I'd like to know.
There.
I can't imagine anything
of any real interest there.
Let me explain. What's that for?
A couple of things.
Correct. One of those things is?
Best not mentioned.
Right!
And the other is fornication.
Without it, there's no marriage.
Without that, there's no diplomacy.
Oh, I see.
Very good. Let me explain further.
I've decided to ally to a nation
most threatening to France.
The answer of course is,
Chiswick, Spain!
The best way to cement
an alliance is marriage.
Therefore I've decided that you
shall marry the Spanish Infanta!
(Chiswick)
Congratulations.
Actually, I don't think I can.
What?
Why not?
I am already engaged.
What? Who to, boy?
Princess Leia of Hungary, Grand
Duchess Ursula of Brandenburg,
and Queen Beowulfa
of Iceland and...
Countess Caroline of Luxembourg,
Bertha of Flanders,
Bertha of Brussels,
Bernard of Saxe-Coburg
and Jezabel of Estonia.
No, no, no, sorry,
that should be...
Bertha of Saxe-Coburg...
and Jeremy of Estonia.
Damn, damn, damn, damn!
If I haven't got a son to marry her,
the whole plan falls apart.
- Your Majesty.
- Yes!
You do have another son, My Lord.
What?
My God, of course, you're right.
The slimy one. What's his name?
- Edmund, My Lord.
- Yes, Osmond.
- Osmond can marry the Infanta!
- (Harry) Excellent idea!
With a Spanish alliance,
we can m*ssacre both
the Swiss and the French.
(Men)
Hurrah!
By dividing their forces into two!
Preferably their top halves
from their bottom halves!
Ow.
- Morning, My Lord.
- Morning.
What's happened to your neck?
Huh?
Er, w-w-w-well...
They're love bites, actually.
Look more like dog bites to me.
(Nervous giggle)
Well, yes,
she was...a bit of an animal.
- Oh, yes.
- Fight to the death, eh?
Yes. As my tutor,
Old Bubble Face, used to say,
"Make love and be merry,
"for tomorrow you may catch
some disgusting skin disease."
(Edmund laughs)
I'd swear those were dog bites.
They are not dog bites!
She was very attractive.
Yeah, shiny coat,
wet nose, clear eyes.
No, Baldrick. It was a woman.
Fair enough, My Lord.
Right, now that's sorted out.
Percy, what are we up to today?
Well, My Lord...
First I thought that you and I...
might get out a couple
of prisoners...
Actually, they look
rather like dog bites.
All right, they are.
I got bitten by a dog.
A woman pushed me off a rampart,
finding me hideously ugly,
and I got ravaged
by a rabid dog. Satisfied?
- Yes, My Lord.
- Good. Excellent.
Good. Right.
Percy, you were saying?
Right, My Lord.
We might... So it wasn't a woman?
No, a dog, a dog,
a bloody great dog!
(Barks madly)
Right, My Lord.
Harry gets all the women.
Shut up. I never want to hear women
mentioned in my company again.
- And dogs?
- Or dogs. Shut up, you.
I never want to see a woman again.
If a woman wants
to talk to me, warn her.
The Black Adder
is a venomous reptile
and women are his prey.
(Knock at door)
Enter! If you're a woman,
prepare to be thrown out
of the window.
My Lord, I bring a message.
Yes, obviously. You're a messenger.
You're engaged to be married
to the Infanta Maria of Spain.
What?
My Lord, I bring a message.
You are...
Yes, yes, yes.
Ah.
Go on, get out.
Get, get out, out, out!
- Well, boys, did you hear that?
- (Baldrick) Mmm.
I am to marry the Infanta of Spain.
Yes, My Lord.
Shall I go and tell her?
What?
The Black Adder
is a venomous reptile...
No, no, no, no, no!
This is no ordinary woman, Percy.
This is a beautiful royal princess.
Just imagine what
the Spanish Infanta must be like.
(Percy and Baldrick howl like dogs)
Ah, bienvenida a nuestro castillo.
Espero que encuentre
los deshagues a su satisfaction.
(Laughs nervously)
Hmm?
It's Spanish
for "Welcome to our castle,
"I hope the drains
are to your satisfaction."
I've jotted it down. Should help
break the ice with the Infanta.
I don't think you know
the Countess Caroline of Luxembourg.
Er, no, er,
how do you do, young lady?
Well, good luck. Er, bienvenue
a notre chateau, Caroline...
Luxembourg! Ha!
Have you ever seen anyone
so seething with jealousy?
- No.
- Seethe, seethe.
If he goes on like that,
he'll turn into a seethe.
Baldrick,
what are you talking about?
- My Lord.
- Yes.
They say that the Infanta's eyes
are more beautiful
than the famous Stone of Galveston.
Mmm!
The what?
The famous Stone
of Galveston, My Lord.
And...what's that exactly?
Well, it's a famous blue stone
and it comes...from Galveston.
I see. And what about it?
Well, the Infanta's eyes
are bluer than it.
I see.
Have you ever seen this stone?
No. Not as such, My Lord.
But I know people who have
and they say it's very blue indeed.
Have these people seen
the Infanta's eyes?
I shouldn't think so.
- And neither have you.
- No, My Lord.
What you're telling me is that
something you have never seen
is slightly less blue than
something else you have never seen.
Yes, My Lord.
Percy, you are as much use to me
as a hole in the head.
An affliction you must be familiar
with, never having had a brain.
- Hello!
- Hello.
Here I am, awaiting the arrival
of the beautiful, ravishing...
Hello!
Leave me alone,
I'm trying to talk to someone.
..while you're wittering away
like a moorhen...
(Lady speaks Spanish)
You are the love
of my life, my love.
What? Percy, is this
a friend of yours? Someone you...
You are the only one for me.
I want to hug and kiss you.
- (Speaks Spanish)
- I am the Infanta!
What? No one told me
you had a beard.
Must be Jeremy of Estonia.
- Yo soy la Infanta!
- Well, absolutely.
Aaah!
(Speaks in Spanish)
I have waited for this moment
all of my life.
(Speaks passionately in Spanish)
Your nose is smaller
than I expected.
I suffer no similar disappointment.
(Speaks Spanish)
My love, my love.
Mm, mm, mm, mm...
- (Spanish)
- Your lips, I like.
(Speaks passionately)
It's the rest of your body
I wish to find out more about.
I'll slit their gizzards.
- My Lord, news.
- What?
The Spanish Infanta has arrived.
Soon we'll have Spain in our grip.
My Lord, news. The King of France
sends his greetings.
Good news. My diplomacy triumphs.
My Lord, news. Lord Wessex is dead.
Ah...
- This news is not good.
- Pardon, My Lord.
I like it not. Bring me other news.
Pardon, My Lord.
I like not this news.
Bring me some other news.
Yes, My Lord.
My Lord, news.
- Lord Wessex is not dead.
- Ah! Good news.
Let there be joy and celebration.
- My Lord.
- Yes.
Tell Osmond that to strengthen ties
with Spain, he marries tomorrow.
Yes, My Lord.
Chiswick!
Fresh horses!
In hours,
I'll be married to a walrus.
You can't lock her out.
You may be right.
That should hold her up
for at least a minute.
Wait a moment, My Lord.
I may have a plan
to get you out of this marriage.
But it's a stupid plan,
let's face it.
Oh, well, yes, maybe you're right.
But tell me anyway.
No, I won't bother, My Lord.
Please, tell me what your plan is.
- Please, tell me.
- All right.
I go along to the Infanta's room,
and tell her you've gone mad.
She comes to the door
and you meet her disguised
as a little pig.
Then...
This is the cunning part...
Instead of saying "oink, oink",
you say "mooo".
Then?
Well, then she'll know
you're mad and leave.
Ow!
You shouldn't have bothered.
- My Lord?
- What?
I also have a plan.
Yes?
Make her think you prefer
the company of men.
I do, Baldrick.
No, My Lord, I mean...
the, er, intimate company of men?
You don't mean...
like the Earl of Doncaster?
I mean just like
the Earl of Doncaster.
That great radish,
that steaming great left-footer.
The Earl of Doncaster has been
riding side saddle since he was .
Who would marry
the Earl of Doncaster?
No one would...
Brilliant! Of course.
No one would marry
the Earl of Doncaster.
Except perhaps the Duke of Beaufort.
What are we going to do?
First, get you looking right.
Just need to drape something
effeminate around your shoulders.
Either of
the Beaufort twins should do.
Right.
Perfect.
All you need to do
is practise with Percy.
Practise what?
Presentation, My Lord.
You over here,
and, My Lord, just there.
Right, now, Percy,
Lord Edmund is going to try
to make himself, er,
attractive to you.
Attractive?
You know,
like the Earl of Doncaster.
Good Lord. Oh, well, fair enough.
No, you act normal,
I'm the Earl of Doncaster.
That's me.
- Right.
- Right.
Go!
Oh, my God, this is impossible.
I can't do this.
I've got a couple more things.
Oh, Percy, what am I going to do?
We could try
and strike up a conversation.
Ah, right.
Er, hel...hello...
(Effeminate voice)
Hello there!
Ah, hello.
- How are you?
- I'm fine.
Have you heard? Prince Edmund's
going to marry the Infanta.
No, he damn well isn't. Anyone who
says I am, gets it. Do you hear me?
(Percy)
Oh! Oh! oh!
Yes, that's the kind of thing.
(Fanfare)
Look out. Here she comes.
Morning, Doncaster.
Chiswick, take this
to the Queen of Naples.
- What is it?
- The King of Naples.
Immediately, My Lord.
(Fanfare)
Quick, quick.
Oh, my God.
Ah!
Some, er, lark
for the stag party, what?
Er...yes, yes, that's right.
I don't think you've met the
Grand Duchess Ursula of Brandenburg.
(Very low voice)
Er, no, how do you do, Ursula?
I'd like a word about
the speech at your wedding.
I'm going for a fruit motif.
- (Very low voice) Er, yes.
- Something like,
"It is with exstrawberry pleasure
that we welcome you."
"May you be the apple
of your husband's eye."
"And may he in turn cherrys you."
- Cherish, you see.
- Oh, ha ha.
"Even though
it's an oranged marriage."
- (All laugh)
- (Harry) What do you think?
(Low voice)
Brilliant. Quite, quite brilliant.
I thought it was good. I'm hoping
to squeeze in a banana by the end.
Willkommen...
(Fanfare)
My Lord, this is it.
Mother, for Chrissakes,
what do you want?
Oh! Nothing, nothing.
(Fanfare)
It's working, it's working!
(Speaks Spanish)
- I embrace and love you utterly.
- What?
(Speaks emotionally)
Oh, what a love, that you dress
like a Spanish man to delight me.
Baldrick!
- (Speaks Spanish)
- What love, what love!
Baldrick, you fool.
Look at the two lovebirds.
One lovebird and one love-elephant.
It's almost as if
they were married already.
What did you say?
It's almost as if
you were married already.
That's what I thought you said. Oh!
Ah! Boys.
Yes, My Lord.
- I have another plan.
- (Infanta) Oh, uh!
H'yah!
(Inaudible)
Is she the best you could do?
I mean, I am marrying her.
It's only
for a couple of days, isn't it?
That's true. Hurry up, Father.
Very well.
We are gathered, Gracious Lord,
to bear witness,
at very short notice.
(Woman laughs hysterically)
..to the marriage
of these God-fearing Christians,
Edmund, the Duke of Edinburgh
and Tully Applebottom.
- Is that right?
- Yes, that's right!
Who ever would have thought it?
The Duke of Edinburgh,
consumed with passion,
whisks away little Tully!
(Tully laughs hysterically)
Shut up! Get on with it!
Yes, very well.
Are you Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh?
No, I'm a bowl of soup.
Come on, hurry up.
And are you Miss Tully Applebottom?
Er, Mrs.
Mrs.
Ah.
Ah.
Ah...
Never mind.
Get on with it, Father, come on.
But...
The church's never going to progress
if it isn't a bit adaptable.
This is most unusual.
But hasn't the church
always dealt with the unusual??
The miracle with the fishes,
for example!
We'll continue.
No one knows any impediment why they
may not be joined in holy matrimony.
No. No. No. No. No. No.
Yes!
And you are?
Mr Applebottom.
The father of the bride!
No, the husband of the bride.
This is my husband, Thomas.
Thomas, this is my fiance,
the Duke of Edinburgh.
Prince Edmund, this is Thomas.
Er, Thomas, this is Father O'...
Er, Smith. I called
about the ducking-stool fund.
Mr Applebottom, I was wondering
whether I could have a temporary
arrangement with your good lady.
I only need her
for a very short stint.
Get out!
Stupid peasant,
all I want to do is marry your wife.
Get out of here!
Oh! That was
the Duke of Edinburgh, you know!
No! That'll be
the Earl of Doncaster.
(Infanta sighs contently)
(Speaks Spanish)
- Well, this is nice.
- Yes.
(Speaks Spanish)
To have a little talk
about ladies' things.
(Speaks Spanish)
Just the two of us.
(Speaks Spanish)
Tell me, Mrs Queen,
about English men.
Oh, well, they spend most of
their time with animals, you know.
And with other men. But, oh,
when they do come to the women,
they only want one thing.
(Speaks Spanish)
What is that?
A kind of pudding, made with
bread and butter and raisins.
Oh! And of course, the other thing!
(Laughs and speaks Spanish)
And what is the other thing?
- Oh, well, custard.
- Crema.
(Speaks Spanish)
Now, Edmund, what he like?
I told you, this pudding.
(Speaks Spanish)
- No, what's he like in bed.
- In bed!
In bed, yes. Well...
In bed he likes hot milk
with just a little of cinnamon.
No, no, no, no.
What...is...he...like?
Oh, yes.
Well, like a little rabbit, really.
(Speaks Spanish)
Mummy, Mummy, how much I love him.
I'd never have believed
my stag party would be like this.
The most depressing night
of my life.
At least you can take solace
in one thing.
What's that?
We're pretty sure she's a virgin.
At least there are no living
witnesses to the contrary.
Or else we might still
stand a chance.
Officially, you've
still got to be a virgin.
What, My Lord?
Oh!
Oh-oh-oh no.
(Baldrick)
No.
No!
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Please, My Lord,
I beg you to reconsider.
You know I'd take any other way.
I'll die in there.
Don't worry,
we'll give you a hero's funeral.
Bury you at sea, say you d*ed
in combat with an enemy vessel.
Right. Now, go on, in you go.
Little boy with big job to do.
Come on, Percy, let's get the King.
(Percy chokes back tears)
(In soft, high voice)
Infanta!
Infanta!
(Infanta)
Edmundo? Edmundo, amor mio.
(Interpreter) Oh, Edmund, my love.
(Infanta makes excited noises)
- My Lord, Your Majesty.
- What?
(Excited noises)
- I bring the gravest of news.
- What?
Have our armies on the Rhine
been slaughtered,
had their heads cut off and
cheese poured down their nostrils
- in the traditional Swiss manner?
- No, My Lord.
(Infanta speaks passionately)
(Baldrick moans)
(Interpreter) Don't hold back,
please, my little one.
Is it the Russian royal family,
mistaken for bison,
due to excessive winter clothing,
and hunted down, chopped to pieces,
and eaten as sweets
by Mongolian bandits?
No, My Lord.
(Infanta)
Ahh-ahh!
What, then?
My Lord,
the Spanish Infanta is not a virgin.
(Infanta)
Ahh!
Yes, I know that.
(Infanta groans)
Mas!
Her uncle told me.
(Interpreter)
Again, please.
That's why
he took off the dowry.
But I thought...
Only one of you has to be a virgin.
Anything else?
Dearly beloved,
we are gathered together
here in the sight of Our Lord,
to witness the marriage
of two God-fearing Christians.
Are you Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh?
Ye-yes, I am.
Are you
Maria Escalosa Fiona Infan...
(Speaks impatiently in Spanish)
Stupid person, hurry up,
I wish to entwine him
in my broad thighs.
Marriage is an holy state,
conceived by God.
- If anyone knows just cause...
- (Thinks) Dear Lord,
please help me now.
..let him speak now
or forever hold his peace.
(Thinks)
Now's your chance.
So be it.
(Thinks)
Oh, thanks a lot.
Come on!
Do you, Edmund Plantaganet,
take Maria...
- Usted, Edmundo Plantaganet...
- Oh, shut up.
..to be your lawful wedded wife,
to have and to hold,
to cherish and to delight,
to chastise and
to b*at until death...
..until death do you part.
Speak up! Can't hear a thing here.
I do.
Still can't hear!
I do, I do, I do!
- Do you, Maria Escalosa Infante,
- Si, si!
- ..take Edmund Plantagenet...
- Yes, yes.
Oh, no!
- I then pronounce you...
- Stop!
Christ!
I bring unbelievable news
that must halt the wedding.
What?
Have the Swiss and French made
sudden peace at a mountain pass,
then forged a clandestine
alliance with Spain,
leaving us
without friends in Europe,
unless we make
an immediate pact with Hungary?
Yes.
As I thought.
Are there any Hungarian Princesses
in the castle?
Yes, I think I've got one. Er...
Yes, Princess Leia of Hungary.
What's she like?
Er, Leia is young and beautiful,
her eyes are like opals,
her hair a cascade
of perfect chestnut.
That sounds all right.
(Speaks Spanish, angrily)
What is happening, please?
Call her into the court.
And as for that
great Spanish dumpling there,
get her out of my sight at once!
Or I'll eat her. Argh!
My love, save me.
Sorry, what can I do? Politics.
Come on, come on, come on.
Where is she?
Where is Princess Leia?
(King)
Ah, good. Good!
Osmond, meet your new wife.
Hello, Edmund.
Hello.
Are we getting married now?
Yes, I believe we are.
Come on, then.
Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here today.
(Edmund)
"And so it came to pass
"that the Big Bear
had to leave all his friends,
"and go to live in a land far away,
"where the elves and the fairies
would look after him,
"until the day that he d*ed."
(Leia)
Oh!
That was lovely, Edmund.
What a happy story.
Is it time to put the light out?
Yes, my dear, I think it is.
It must be at least six o'clock.
♪ The sound of hoof-beats
'cross the glade
♪ Good folk, lock up
your son and daughter
♪ Beware the deadly flashing blade
♪ Unless you want to end up shorter
♪ Black Adder, Black Adder
♪ He rides a pitch-black steed
♪ Black Adder, Black Adder
♪ He's very bad indeed
♪ Black, his gloves of finest mole
♪ Black, his codpiece made of metal
♪ His horse is blacker than a vole
♪ His pot is blacker than his kettle
♪ Black Adder, Black Adder
♪ With many a cunning plan
♪ Black Adder, Black Adder
♪ You horrid little man ♪
(Leia) Can I have
a drink of water, please?
(Edmund) Yes, yes, yes. All right.