Go away!
My lord, there is someone
at the door to see you.
- What time is it?
- Four o'clock.
You mustn't let me sleep all day.
This woman charges by the hour.
No, my lord, it's four o'clock in the morning.
Someone wants to see me
at four in the morning?
- What is he, a giant lark?
- No, he's a priest.
Tell him I'm Jewish.
Aren't you going to introduce me, then?
Aren't you going to introduce me to your friend?
Baldrick, I'm delighted to introduce you to...
- Sorry, I've forgotten your name.
- Mollie.
- This is Mollie. A dear friend.
- I'm not dear.
I'm very reasonable actually, Baldrick.
Most would charge an extra sixpence
for all the things he wants to do.
Baldrick, this is Mollie.
An inexpensive prost*tute.
Mollie, this is Baldrick. A pointless peasant.
- What about the priest?
- Tell him to get out of here.
If he comes begging again...
...I shall report him to the
Bishop of Bath and Wells...
...who drowns babies and eats them
in the vestry afterwards.
Very good, my lord.
- Bye, Baldrick.
- Bye-bye, Mollie.
Get out!
When you should be
whispering sweet nothings like:
"Something twice the size of
the Royal Barge has hove into view"...
You don't say a word.
But enter the Creature Of The Black
Latrine and you won't stop jabbering.
He was treating me like a human being.
If I wanted a lecture on the rights of Man,
I would have slept with Martin Luther.
Yes, Baldrick. What is it now?
The priest still wants to see you.
Did you mention the baby-eating
Bishop of Bath and Wells?
He said: "I am the baby-eating
Bishop of Bath and Wells!"
Good lord!
- You haven't got any children?
- No. I'm not married.
In that case, I'll skip breakfast
and get straight down to business.
Do you know what day it is today?
It is exactly one year ago...
...that the Bank of the Black Monks of St. Herod,
"Banking with a smile and a s*ab",
of which I am the assistant manager,
lent you one thousand pounds.
Our motto is: Repayment or Revenge.
Of course, and naturally
I'd have paid you back, but...
I've gone and lost my wallet.
Disastrous! It had all my little notes saying:
"Forget ye not" and, of course, all my money!
That's no concern of mine. The debt is now due.
Not to repay a loan is a sin,
and we Black Monks, we hate sin!
Your Grace, this is my mother. Mother this is...
Good morning, my dear.
I hope you haven't forgotten our appointment.
Of course not, Pumpy!
You know, I have a mind
to play "Nuns and Novices".
- So don't forget your wimple.
- OK!
And, as for you, you come with me.
- Where?
- To visit the last poor fool who...
...lost his wallet!
"William Greeves: born
in Chelshood with the love of Christ."
"d*ed in...
...agony with a spike up his bottom."
'Tis ever with the Black Monks!
Scream and gurgle as they skewered
his catflap for want of a farthing!
I think you get my message.
Tell me, Bishop, let me just
test the waters here, so to speak.
Supposing I was to say to you:
I'm a friend of the Queen's
and I think she would like to hear...
...about you, Mollie and the wimple.
Why don't we just call it quits, Fatso?
I would say, firstly,
the Queen would not believe you.
And secondly, you'll regret
calling me Fatso later today!
I will have my money by Evensong tonight or...
Your bottom will wish it had never been born!
Poor Tom's cold!
Pity poor Tom for his nose is frozen.
And he does shiver, and he's mad!
Oh, shut up!
So, lads. I'm up a certain creek
without a certain instrument.
Either I raise a thousand pounds
by this evening, or I get m*rder*d.
It's obvious. You'll have to get m*rder*d.
- You'll never raise that sort of money.
- Come now, Baldrick.
A thousand? Pay the fellow,
Edmund, and damn his impudence.
I haven't got a thousand, dunghead!
I've got quid.
You're always boasting to the Queen
about how wealthy you are.
A cunning web of deceit, subtly spun
about the court to improve my standing.
- Do you mean you've been... fibbing?
- Yep.
My whole life has been a tissue of whoppers.
I consider myself one of England's finest liars.
A giant hummingbird
is about to eat your hat and cloak!
You see? I'm terrific at it.
It seems to have gone now.
Couldn't you just dip into the family fortune?
My father blew it all on wine,
women and amateur dramatics.
At the end he was eking a living
doing impressions of Anne of Cleeves.
Edmund, I am sorry. I had no idea.
I have some small savings
harvested from my weekly allowance...
...set aside against my frail old age.
But lucky haps, it is just over a thousand...
...and has been hidden beyond the wit
of any thief, in an old sock...
...under the squeaky floorboard
behind the kitchen dresser!
- You've seen it!
- Seen it, pinched it, spent it.
The same goes for the two farthings
Baldrick thinks he has hidden.
Then you are doomed. Alas.
For God's sake, let us sit upon the carpet...
...and tell sad stories.
When Lord Blackadder is in trouble,
he does not sit about.
You won't be able to sit
with a spike up your bottom.
But still, I've got quid and that's a start.
I'll think of something
as long as I'm not disturbed.
The Queen dost demand your
urgent presence on pain of death.
The path of my life...
...is strewn with cowpats
from the Devil's own satanic herd!
- Madam, you sent for me.
- Did I?
I can't remember.
What a naughty scatterbrain I am! Zap!
Well, perhaps, Ma'am,
if I might be allowed to withdraw.
Certainly.
- That was a terrific joke, wasn't it?
- Magnificent!
What, my Lady?
I do know why I wanted to see you,
I pretended I didn't. I fooled you.
And it worked brilliantly, didn't it?
It was terrific, Madam.
I thank God I wore my corset,
because I think my sides have split.
So, why did you want to see me?
To cr*ck the lovely joke.
Or perhaps you don't think
the Queen's jokes are funny enough?
Au contraire.
I'm ecstatic about the whole incident.
I didn't laugh out loud
because I was afraid if I did...
...my head would've fallen off.
If you don't start soon, your head will fall off!
Now pay Melchy his pounds and run along.
- pounds?
- We had a bet.
I said you wouldn't fall for my trick,
Melchy said you would...
...because I'm so super and you're so stupid.
You owe him pounds.
Fine, fine. I mean, it's only money, isn't it?
I cannot believe it! She drags me
all the way from Billingsgate...
...to play about the weakest practical joke...
...since Cardinal Wolsey got
his knob out at Hampton Court...
...and stood at the end of the passage
pretending to be a door.
Shut up, Baldrick. You'd laugh
at a Shakespeare comedy.
Edmund! I've awaited your return.
And thank God you did, for I was thinking:
I die in hours. What I really need
now is a hug from a complete prat!
But fear not, I have a plan to save
the life of my dear friend.
Look, I'm not interested in
your friends! What about me?
Not bad, Edmund. That's a good one.
What's your big plan, blockhead?
I intend to discover, this afternoon,
the secret of alchemy.
The hidden art of turning base things into gold.
The fact that this secret has
eluded the most intelligent people...
...doesn't dampen your spirits?
Oh no. I like a challenge.
Well, Balders, I lost quid.
The grave opens up before me
like a... big hole in the ground.
Well, I did have one idea, my lord.
But it's stupid.
What is it?
I have heard there's good money
to be made down the docks.
Doing favours for sailors.
Favours? What do you mean?
Delivering messages, sewing on buttons?
- Not quite.
- Baldrick!
Are you suggesting I become a rent boy?
Well, a good-looking bloke like you.
Posh accent, nice legs...
Just stick a pink carnation
in your hat and make the old sign.
I'd rather die.
That's all right then.
I'll put the kettle on while we wait.
On second thoughts...
With a slight alteration, your
sick and sordid plan might just work.
Give me a kiss and I'll give you a penny.
- A penny?!
- All right then, tuppence!
- Oh, all right, go on.
- Nothing fancy, just a peck.
I miss my mum, you see.
When I was little, my mum used to...
Look, get a move on. He's
a prost*tute, not an agony aunt!
Just a little peck on the cheek, and say:
"There, there, Arthur. Mummy'll kiss
it better and you shall have a story."
Well, I don't know.
Do you do requests, Baldrick?
- Kinky stuff? Yeah, I'm game.
- Go on, please.
I miss my mother so much.
I mean, she was like a mother to me!
I've forgotten what I'm supposed to say.
There, there, Arthur. Mummy'll kiss
it better and you shall have a story.
- What kind of story?
- One about a squirrel, I suppose.
And then Squirry the Squirrel went...
And they all went home for tea.
Thanks very much, me ol' shivering mateys!
How much do you charge for a good hard shag?
- A thousand pounds.
- You've got to be joking!
Well, I'm sure we could negotiate.
Right, so we've got sixpence.
All we need to do, my lord...
...is to go down the cockfights
and put it on a bird that's a dead cert...
...but has got odds of forty thousand to one.
- Know you of such a bird?
- No, but we could make one.
No, we couldn't, Baldrick.
I suppose you have to be told some time.
What happens is:
a mummy bird and a daddy bird...
...who love each other, get certain urges...
What I mean is:
we could get a mad wild k*ller bull...
...and disguise it as a bird.
It'll be such a strange-looking bird
that no-one will back it.
We'll know it's a k*ller bull
so we'll put money on it.
- Only we will know?
- If we stick enough feathers on it...
...and hang an egg between its legs.
A chat with you
and somehow death loses its sting.
The Queen dost demand
your presence on pain of death.
You're not making friends here,
you do know that?
Madam, you sent for me again.
Yes, Edmund.
I wanted to apologise
for the silly trick I played on you.
It was naughty and bad of me.
It was, my little rosebud.
If you weren't quite so big,
it'd be time for Mr and Mrs Spank.
Thank you, Nursie. And thank you, Edmund.
- That's all.
- Yes, thanks for coming.
That was very funny too, wasn't it?
My Lady?
Dragging you all the way here again
just to say sorry for the first time.
It was Melchett's idea.
I think it's wonderful, don't you?
Melchett, I prostrate myself at the feet
of the world's greatest comedian.
Oh, you are super, Edmund.
I promised Lord Melchett
that I would play with him.
But we have no coin. Do you have a halfpenny?
Unfortunately, only a sixpence. What a shame!
- A sixpence will do just as well.
- Oh, good!
It stinks like a pair of armoured trousers
after the Hundred Years w*r!
Baldrick, have you been eating dung again?
My lord! Success!
After literally an hour's ceaseless searching...
...I have succeeded in creating gold. Pure gold!
- Are you sure?
- Yes, my lord.
Behold!
Percy, it's green.
That's right, my lord.
I don't want to be pedantic.
But the colour of gold is gold.
That's why it's called gold.
What you've discovered...
...if it has a name, is some green.
Oh, Edmund, can it be true?
That I hold here, in my mortal hand...
...a nugget of purest green?
Indeed you do. Except, it's not only
a nugget as it is more of a splat.
Well, yes. A splat today,
but tomorrow, who knows?
Or dares to dream!
We three alone in all the world
can create the finest green at will.
Thus so! I'm not sure
of counting in Baldrick, actually.
You know what your
great discovery means, don't you?
That you, Percy... Lord Percy, are an utter berk.
Baldrick! Pack my bags.
I'm going to sell the house.
There's nothing else for it.
I shall miss the old place, I know.
I've had some happy times here,
when you and Percy have been out.
But needs must
when the Devil vomits into your kettle.
Baldrick, go forth and say that
Blackadder wishes to sell his house.
Percy, just go forth.
- And this is the den.
- Oh, dear.
But I have to tell you, Mr Pants...
...that I've had an extremely
encouraging nibble from another client.
You know me well enough to know
that I don't ignore a nibble for long.
I noticed some dry rot
in the bedrooms, Timothy.
Well, Mrs Pants, dry rot is as dry rot does.
- Stop me if I'm getting too technical.
- The floors are a little uneven.
Indeed yes, Madam, and at no extra cost!
- Strange smell.
- That's the servant, he'll be gone.
You've really worked out
your banter, haven't you?
Not really. This is a different thing.
It's spontaneous and it's called wit.
- And the privies?
- When the master craftsman...
...was looking at the sewage, he said to himself:
"Romeo, let's make them
functional, and comfortable."
- That seems nice, dear.
- I think we understand each other.
- It's sold then. Drink?
- What about the privies?
Well, what we're talking about in privy terms...
...is the very latest in
front-wall, fresh-air orifices...
...combined with a wide-capacity
gutter installation below.
You mean you crap out of the window.
Yes!
Well! In that case, we'll definitely take it!
I can't stand those dirty indoor things.
There! That's the lot.
He only wanted to pay a thousand,
but I b*at him up to eleven hundred.
- You wily old trickster, you!
- I only named the price.
It was Baldrick who actually b*at him up.
Percy, what is that on the front of your tunic?
'Tis a brooch, my lord. A brooch
cunningly fashioned from pure green.
It looks like you've sneezed.
It is with trinkets such as
this brooch, and here, a ring...
...that I intend to revive your fortunes
and buy back your house.
You think there's a big market
for jewellry that looks like snot?
The eyes are open, the mouth moves,
but Mr Brain has long since departed.
- My lord.
- Messenger, thank God.
We couldn't have waited
another second without you.
- Majesty!
- Thank God. Terrible news!
The French intend to inv*de, Blackadder.
So I need some money.
Yes, every nobleman must pay pounds.
But we've decided to make you a special case.
Melchy hasn't got a bean,
so we thought, as you're so wealthy...
...you could pay for both!
I have a cash-flow crisis
and haven't got any money on me.
- But, Edmund...
- Sorry!
What's that in your tights?
It looks like just over a thousand pounds.
- So it is.
- You said you didn't have any.
I thought you meant "real" money.
This is just a bit of loose change.
A thousand pounds
loose in your tights... That's flash!
OK, hand it over. Thanks. Bye.
Well, goodbye indeed.
Goodbye, Ma'am. Goodbye, Melchett.
Goodbye, Nursie.
Bye!
Silly old Edmund! He was completely fooled.
- That was a brilliant joke, Melchy.
- Brilliant, Ma'am!
And now I'm going to have you ex*cuted.
It's for taking the mickey out of
my dear Edmund so cruelly.
- I'm gonna knock your block off.
- Majesty, I only intended to please!
Oh, please! I so want to live!
Praise the Lord for the gift of laughter!
I've lost the money.
I'm going to have to run away.
- Why, my lord?
- To avoid these monks!
No point. The Black Bank's
got branches everywhere.
If I die, Baldrick, do you think people
would remember me?
People would be slapping
each other on the shoulders...
...and saying:
"Do you remember old Privy-breath?"
Do people call me "Privy-breath"?
- The ones who like you.
- Am I then not popular?
When people slip in
what dogs have left in the street...
...they do tend to say:
"Whoops, I've trod on an Edmund".
Bloody cheek! I'll show them.
Have you got a plan, my lord?
Yes. It's so cunning
you could brush your teeth with it.
All I need is some feathers,
a dress, some oil, an easel...
...lots of paper, a prost*tute and
the best portrait painter in England.
The most famous portrait painter
in England: Mr Leonardo Acropolis!
- Right, are you any good?
- No! I am... a genius!
Well, you'd better be, or you're dead!
Right, in the bedroom, Beardface.
Baldrick, get the door.
My lord, the Bishop of Bath and Wells.
The time has come, Blackadder!
The Black Monks will have their money.
Or I will have my fun.
- You enjoy your work, don't you?
- Bits of it, yes.
- The violent bits.
- Yes.
You see, I am a colossal pervert.
No form of sexual depravity is too low for me.
Animal, vegetable or mineral...
I'll do anything to anything.
Fine words for a Bishop.
Nice to hear the Church speaking out
on social issues for a change.
- Have you got the money?
- Nope.
Good. I hate it when people pay up.
Say your prayers, Blackadder. It's poker time!
Fine. Are you ever concerned
that people might find you out?
No. I k*ll, I maim, I fornicate.
As far as my flock is concerned my
only vice is a tipple before Evensong.
Oh, thank you.
Bend over, Blackadder!
This is where you get... Drugged by God!
No, by Baldrick,
but the effect is much the same.
Wakey, wakey, Bish.
You clerics really are slugabeds.
- Where am I? I remember... drugged.
- That's right.
You should have k*lled me
while you had the chance.
You have looked in wonder
at your last dawn, Blackadder!
I'm not so sure. I did wonder
what people who saw this might think.
Heavens above,
what creatures from Hell are those?
They make an interesting couple?
I think you'll recognise...
...this huge, sweating
mound of blubber here, Fatso.
There's no point.
We have the preliminary sketches.
We'll soon make some copies. One
for the Queen, one for the Archbishop.
And a couple to form the basis of
an exhibition of a young artist's work.
By the horns of Beelzebub,
how did you get me into that position?
Beautifully framed, don't you think?
It's exactly what happened to you.
Never have I encountered such
corrupt and foul-minded perversity!
Have you ever considered
a career in the Church?
No, I could never get used to the underwear.
I could use eleven hundred pounds
to buy back my house,
four thousand pounds
to cover some sundry expences...
...and thruppence for a celebratory
binge at Mrs Miggins' pie shop.
Yes, but first, one question:
Who is the second figure?
Who could you have got
to have performed such deeds,
to have plunged the depths of
degradation just to save your filthy life?
Percy, may I introduce His Grace,
the Bishop of Bath and Wells.
Your Grace, Lord Percy Percy,
heir to the Duchy of Northumberland.
Hello.
It was lovely working with you.
♪ Take heed the moral of this tale
Be not a borrower or lender
♪ And if your finances do fail
Make sure your banker's not a bender
♪ Blackadder, Blackadder
He trusted in the Church
♪ Blackadder, Blackadder
It left him in the lurch
♪ Blackadder, Blackadder
His life was almost done
♪ Blackadder, Blackadder
Who gives a toss? No-one.