Hello and welcome as we raise
a glass to the greatest moments
from an exceptional sitcom.
ALL: Hooray.
The Blackadder!
Yes, indeed.
Blackadder spanned all the ages
with high comedy and low farce.
Oh, my God, my ear
muffs have fallen down.
But no wonder it's so good.
Just look at the people involved,
all colossi of British comedy.
Is this true? Yes.
Our eponymous hero
is played by Rowan Atkinson.
People should be reminded
of how great Rowan is.
We did this robbery together
so you get half the cash.
Oh, thank you, Mr B!
This robbery, on the other hand,
I'm doing alone.
Hand it over.
Your money or your life.
It featured stars
like Stephen Fry...
The great thing about Blackadder
was that it played with
the British idea of being British.
Operation Winkle.
Winkle? Yes.
..and was written
by towering talents,
Richard Curtis and Ben Elton.
Of course, I thought, "fantastic".
The opportunity to write lines
for Rowan Atkinson,
um, you know,
was an incredible offer
and to work with Richard.
Hugh Laurie, too, showed some early
signs of international star quality.
I simply immersed myself
in the material. I always go back...
No, I read out the very splendid
words they wrote for me!
You mean the moment's arrived
for us to give Harry Hun
a darn good British-style thrashing?
Six of the best, trousers down?
So here's a cunning plan
of the very highest order.
Excellent.
Let's take some time to luxuriate
over the best moments...
We're having a good time already.
..as we relive
the wittiest sitcom in history.
Prepare to be amazed.
The stars of the show are here...
Darling. Yes, sir?
Doing Darling was a kind of...
a way of hoping people might
forget a little bit about Percy.
I have a cunning plan!
I'm dead chuffed to have been in it
and, of course, it transformed
my career and my life.
Wicked child.
It's a mark of having arrived,
in a way,
to be in Blackadder.
I'm very proud of it.
..Along with a slew
of celebrity devotees
who share
their love for the show.
Blackadder is just ridiculous.
A wibble.
That's what's funny.
There was a lot of people
being thrown through doors...
and getting punched...
which literally
made me wee with laughter.
BLACKADDER THEME PLAYS
MUSIC: "Green Onions"
by Booker T And The MGs
Blackadder spans over years...
..so we'll have memorable moments
from some of the most colourful
periods and people
in British history.
Ta-dah!
Watch as the fiendish
Edmund Blackadder
and his hapless sidekick Baldrick
endure the slings and arrows of
outrageous comedy.
Marvel as they make it through the
whimsically hazardous Middle Ages.
Ah, Edmund.
'It's a very complicated and curious
borrowing from English history.'
That's not important.
What's important is it's funny.
Gasp as they grapple with a
deliciously capricious Elizabeth I.
I'm going to knock your block off.
She's royalty.
She can have anyone she likes.
I think about
having you ex*cuted
just to see the expression
on your face.
Finally, shudder as they encounter
insanity on the grandest scale...
in the trenches
of the first world w*r.
One of the best television moments
you will ever see.
All the moments you will see tonight
were selected by the Blackadder
family. Members of the cast...
I'll give it seven.
out of .
Members of the crew...
Nine.
Celebrity fans...
Ten.
And real Blackadders themselves.
Hi, I'm Simon Blackadder.
Jackie Blackadder.
And I'm Will Blackadder.
I'm Kevin Blackadder.
Hi, I'm AJ Blackadder from Perth,
Western Australia.
The long winter evenings
must just fly by.
Yes, we really did round up genuine
Blackadders from across the land,
locked them in a screening room
and make them tell us their
personal favourite moments.
What t*rture!
My favourite moment, definitely
from Series Two,
Flashheart and
"like it Nursie, firm and fruity."
Nursie, I like it firm and fruity.
All were asked to choose
their favourites
and the moments are ranked according
to those with the most nominations.
I'm giving ten.
I'd like to give ten and a half.
Our first moment comes appropriately
enough from the very first series.
It's medieval genius at number .
Once more unto the breach,
dear friends! Once more.
It was fantastic having Peter Cook
in the first series of Blackadder.
I persuaded Peter to come
and be Richard III
and I think in that series,
we didn't know what we were doing
and he probably thought
we were all barking mad.
On Ralf! The liar's dead!
At the time his career
was in a bit of the doldrums
but we all absolutely idolised him.
Your Majesty
you've lost your steed, take mine.
No, no, no. I've won the battle,
I've saved the kingdom.
I think I can find myself a horse.
True, my noble lord.
I'll see you back at the castle.
So be it.
Horse!
HE WHISTLES
And Richard III does, of course,
in Shakespeare shout,
"a horse, a horse,
my kingdom for a horse".
My kingdom for a horse...
Ah, horsey!
'Blackadder's hiding,'
at the Battle of Bosworth Field,
keeping out the way.
He's having a pee,
then he turns round
and this guy's pinching his horse.
Oi, that's my horse!
That'll teach you.
You won't be doing that
again now will you?
Oh, my god, it's uncle Richard.
When he realises he's cut the
king's head off, who is my brother,
he puts his head back
and gives him resuscitation,
moving his arms up and down
which is absolutely inspired genius.
The key to Blackadder
is his vaulting ambition,
utter ruthlessness
and yet complete incompetence
and the scene in which
he chops off Richard's head
is so perfect a demonstration
of that,
that you don't need to know anything
else about Blackadder. That is him.
That is the sort of stupid, venal
and utterly counterproductive thing
that only someone
like that would do.
Welcome back to Blackadder's
Most Cunning Moments,
a compendium of comedy moments
from history's favourite sitcom.
Our next moment is equal th,
the first of several ties.
Now, where would Blackadder be
without his trusty sidekick,
Baldrick?
A lot better off probably
but there'd be a lot fewer laughs.
There's something British about him.
The British love an underdog.
I was wondering if I might
have the afternoon off.
You can have the afternoon off
when you die. Not before.
My own personal market
research leads me to believe
that Baldrick is the...is the hero.
I have a cunning plan...
It wasn't until the second series,
when Ben Elton joined
the writing team,
that he had this idea -
Why don't we turn Baldrick into the
stupidest, most brain-dead creature
that has existed in the whole course
of human history?
There's a scene where he has a
mousetrap on his head
and it's pure Tom and Jerry.
It could be Tom with Jerry,
trying to catch Jerry
with cheese hanging there
and some contraption.
Why have you got a piece of cheese
tied to the end of your nose?
To catch mice, my lord.
I lie on the floor with my mouth
open and hope they scurry in.
Do they? Not yet, my lord.
I'm not surprised.
Your breath comes straight
from Satan's bottom, Baldrick.
I think it's funny but I also think,
you know, that he was, you know,
a hero in many respects because
he represented the working classes,
literally.
Sharing the dubious honour of being
equal to Baldrick
is everyone's favourite pie-maker,
the lovelorn Mrs Miggins.
No more sad little London
for you, Balders.
From now on, you will stand
out in life as an individual.
Will I? Well, of course you will.
All the other slaves will be black.
LAUGHTER
Oh, Mr Blackadder!
Oh, what's all this I hear
about you buying a bathing costume
and gallons of coconut oil?
Are you going abroad then, sir?
Yes. I'm off. Oh, sir!
What a tragic end to all my dreams.
I'd always hoped that you'd settle
down and marry me
and that together we might await
the slither of tiny adders.
Actually it took me by surprise
that Mrs Miggins, you know,
carried a candle for Blackadder.
Mrs M, if we were
the last three humans on earth
I'd be trying to start a family
with Baldrick.
SHE CRIES
I just love the despair
and the tortured agony.
I still receive tons of fan mail
for Mrs Miggins
and it just constantly amazes me,
the fan base that's out there.
So much so, that I think I'm going
to start thinking about opening
a cake or pie shop in the
not so distance future.
The joke's on Blackadder
in this Series Two moment
featuring his crafty arch-rival
for the royal affection.
It's Queenie's fawning favourite,
Lord Melchett,
played with consummate sliminess
by Stephen Fry.
Majesty! Surely not?
You utter creep.
Melchett is tolerated.
He's not very exciting.
He's sort of like a grand vizier
without the wisdom, really.
He's just sort of uncle.
Bye.
A part of the queen liked having
people saying nice things to her
but the other part of her realised
that it was just silly old Melchett
and was not sexy like Blackadder,
didn't make her scream
when he walked into a room.
Oh, silly old Edmund!
He was completely fooled.
It's a brilliant trick, Melchett.
Ah, brilliant, ma'am!
And now I'm going to
have you ex*cuted.
She never delivered a line the way
we expected her to, never once.
They were always better.
This insane character
that she produced
obviously flattered the script
enormously.
The script was quite funny
but without her insane Queenie,
it's obviously it couldn't possibly
have been anything like as good.
It's for taking the mickey out
of my beloved Edmund so cruelly.
I'm gonna knock your block off.
'Queenie's absolutely immature
and she's always had her way'
and she's greedy and rapacious
and threatening and everything.
Dame Flora Robson, Bette Davis,
Glenda Jackson...
Helen Mirren...
Cate Blanchett,
Judi Dench, have all played
Queen Elizabeth I.
None of them played her as well
as Miranda Richardson.
Oh, please! I so want to live!
HE SOBS
SHE LAUGHS
ALL LAUGH
There is that element of comeuppance
where you delight in the person
being brought down to earth.
ALL LAUGH
Oh, praise the Lord
for the gift of laughter.
The look on his face
when he realises he's been had
is between I want to kiss you
and I want to k*ll you
and it's just a beautiful moment.
The Prince Regent thinks
the Duke of Wellington's after him
and has a plan.
He's going to become the butler
and Blackadder will
become the Prince Regent.
There's no alternative.
We must swap clothes.
Oh, fantastic yes,
dressing up, I love it.
It's like that story,
the Prince And The Porpoise.
And The Pauper.
Oh, yes, yes. The Prince and
the Porpoise and the Pauper.
LAUGHTER
He was just gorgeously stupid.
Why, my own father
wouldn't recognise me!
Your own father never can, he's mad.
Oh, yes. Yes.
I loved Your Highness,
Your Highness
because it shows,
in a very neat way,
class distinction.
Unfortunately, sir, you realise
I shall have to treat you
like a servant?
Oh, I think I can cope with that,
thank you!
And you have to get used to calling
me Your Highness, Your Highness.
Your Highness, Your Highness.
No. Just Your Highness,
Your Highness.
That's what I said.
Your Highness, Your Highness.
Your Highness, Your Highness.
Yes, let's just leave that for now.
Complicated stuff, obviously.
When Hugh plays stupid
there is nothing behind the eyes
so, you know, we took,
I think we took Percy,
who hadn't been clever, and scooped
out the final teaspoonful of brains
and presented, um...Hugh Laurie.
He can do this extraordinary thing
in which his eyes
just take on a slight
film of stupidity and you know that
no phrase you can utter,
no truth you can express,
and no matter how simply done,
can penetrate that film.
It's just closed.
But what...who...where...how?
Don't try to work it out, Baldrick.
Two people you know
have exchanged coats
and now you don't know
which is which.
I'm pretty confused myself!
It still makes me giggle
because it was just clever.
ALL: Yes!
Edmund starts singing a song about
a little goblin, they get distracted.
On any other day
Edmund would have been scheming,
Because he's had a drink all he wants
to do is sing about the goblin.
Wait...
I'm sure there was
something very important
I had to do to all of you
this morning.
ALL: Wahay!
Wasn't it something about
ten thousand florins was it?
I think it was something
about an inheritance.
Do you lot want to
hear about this goblin or not?
ALL: Yes!
Right. Well, perhaps this time
I might be allowed to continue
and perhaps finish with any luck.
Blackadder, drunk,
singing an appalling little song
and who should appear
from under Miranda's skirts
than Miriam Margolyes with her hat
sort of like that.
Luck! Wahay, get it?
ALL: No.
Oh, come on. Luck.
There is a play on words at the end
which you may not be able to show
before the watershed.
HE CHUCKLES
And Miriam Margolyes is back
as the queen herself
in the Blackadder Christmas carol.
Queen Victoria, that is.
What are you doing Albert?
Nothing. Oh, yes, you are,
you naughty German sausage.
That's always an absolute treat,
to work with her on and off camera.
I mean she's a complete delight.
Tell me what you're doing.
I just said, I'm not doing anything.
While you're busy ruling India,
you don't tell me what you're doing.
Jim Broadbent's doing a very,
very good German accent.
So why should I tell you
what I am doing when I am busy
wrapping up this cushion for your
surprise Christmas present? Ooh!
Damn.
He is a brilliant comic artist
and that has gone on,
he's, you know, he's one of our
ornaments to our profession.
I love surprises.
Christmas without surprises is a nut
without a nutcracker,
which is why I have bought you this
surprise nutcracker...
Damn. Damn.
He's sort of...
sort of stupid but he's doing it
because he adores her and he's so
excited about the idea
of surprising her
and it's just adorable.
HE SPEAKS GERMAN
..for it is for precisely
such an outing as this
that I have brought you my
finest surprise present.
This muff, which I am going
to give you tomorrow... Damn.
I had no memory of filming it or
having seen
it and it came as a complete
surprise and it did strike me,
and I'm not, I don't laugh
very readily at my own performances,
but it did actually make me laugh!
You know what would cheer you up
and that's a Charlie Chaplin film.
Oh, I love old Chappers.
Don't you Cap?
Unfortunately, no I don't.
You're not allowed to say that
Charlie Chaplin's not funny.
Because he's a classic.
I find his films about as funny
as getting an arrow through the neck
and then discovering
there's a gas bill tied to it.
Funny as an arrow through the neck.
That's clearly not very funny.
With a gas bill attached?
Now that's good.
Let's consult the men
for a casting vote. Baldrick? Sir?
Charlie Chaplin.
What do you make of him?
Oh, he's as funny as a vegetable
that's grown into
a rude and amusing shape, sir.
So you agree with me.
Not at all funny.
Oh, come on, skipper! Play fair.
In that last film of his when he
kicked that fellow in the backside,
I thought I'd die.
If that's your idea
of comedy we can provide our own
without expending a ha'penny for the
privilege. Do you find that funny?
One of the things I love about
Series Four is that, strangely,
I think Baldrick gained meaning.
You know, he'd just been a fool
and a butt the whole way through
but there was a remarkable thing
happened at the end of that series
when he did suddenly seem to
represent the working man,
a kind of innocent, who, due to
the stupidity of everybody above him,
is going to die.
I think that was rather unexpected
in the same way and in a funny way,
George also represented
the tragedy of posh people thrown
to w*r like Rudyard Kipling's son.
Chaplin is a genius.
He certainly is a genius, George.
He invented a way of getting paid
a million dollars a year
for wearing a pair
of stupid trousers.
Did you find that funny Baldrick?
What funny, sir?
Welcome lads.
Well, this is the stuff, eh?
Christmas, sherry and charades
with honest manly fellows.
What can I do with a girl
that I can't do with you?
I cannot conceive, sir.
Yes, well there's that I suppose.
Now, who's first?
I'd asked old Horatio here
but he's out of it, so it's the
little monkey fellow first, is it?
It is indeed. Oh, excellent.
Oh, I love charades.
He's a clown. He is just there,
trying to play.
"Oh, wouldn't this be fun.
"This is great fun,
good fellows all playing together",
and he cannot get this right.
It's a book. Well, done, Mr B.
I didn't think
you'd get it that quickly.
Yes, I must say,
that was damn clever.
You know, it was an absolutely
perfect triangle really,
that Blackadder has a...
..a cretin as a master
and a cretin as a servant
and he's stuck in between this
in a cretinous triangle.
Yes, another great
Christmas tradition -
Explaining the rules
eight times to the thicky twins.
The round
hasn't in fact started yet.
Baldrick and George are pretty much
the same character
by different mothers.
I think one had a royal mother,
the other one, I don't know,
some sort of pig beast.
It's got to be a specific book.
If it was the Bible
then I'd go like that
to indicate that there are
two syllables.
Two what? Two syllables.
Two silly bulls?
Not in the Bible!
I can remember a fatted calf
but as I recall that was
quite a sensible animal.
Oh, ah...is it, um, Noah's ark
with the two pigs, two ants
and two silly bulls?
Two syll-A-bles. What?
Look, we're getting confused. Let's
start again. No, let's not.
I think the game's getting
a bit sill-a to be honest.
How about a Christmas story?
Oh, what a good idea, sir.
Blackadder himself,
a deeply frustrated man.
A sort of lower middle class,
very brilliant
but in the world of Britain,
never really going to get very far.
Cleverer, in his opinion,
than the people who by birth
have done better than him.
You know, some real honesty I think
in the performances which is,
as I say, the key to great comedy.
Welcome back to Blackadder's
Most Cunning Moments,
chosen by the cast, crew, famous
fans and actual Blackadders.
Yes, they really do exist.
My favourite line from Blackadder is
when he comes down the stairs
and Baldrick says,
"Good morning, Mr B",
and Blackadder says, "Baldrick,
if I'd wanted to talk to a vegetable
"I'd have bought one".
I thought it was very funny
when Baldrick decides
to make coffee out of mud
and his dandruff.
I shall require my most splendid
garments for the ceremony.
Certainly, my lord. Hat, my lord?
Trojan, I think.
Boots, my lord? The Italian.
And codpiece, my lord?
Well, let's go for
the black Russian.
One of the things that made
Blackadder so superb was the amount
of research that went in,
both to the props
and to the costumes.
There were an awful lot of
extraordinary codpieces around.
STUDIO LAUGHTER
It was just wonderful
to see this curly penis,
brilliantly made
by costume department,
woggling on the front of Rowan.
The contradiction
of a weed with a whopper.
You're dressed like a...
Like what, sorry?
Well, this enormous nonsense here.
PING!
You've got
this fantastic sound effect,
that should have been
in a Benny Hill sketch,
of it going duh-duh-duh...
Well, this enormous nonsense here.
PING!
I love, love, love Percy.
Percy? My lord?
Can you think of another best man?
What happens in the second series
is suddenly the dialogue
gets all very crisp and punchy
and you've got tremendous silliness
but actually it's all held together
by very dignified,
very strong performances.
You're going to have Rowan
as this incredibly cool guy
and Percy as this ludicrous twit.
Edmund, Edmund, come quickly, the
queen wants to see...
What are you wearing
round your neck?
Percy, who had a very, very
fine wardrobe all the way through
and it's when he comes in
with a new ruff that he says is the
talk of the Court.
It's my new ruff. You look like a
bird who swallowed a plate, Percy.
There were real absurd fashions
at the time, where things
were taken to huge extremes
so it's not so outlandish an idea.
It's the latest fashion actually
and as a matter of fact it
makes me look rather sexy.
To another plate-swallowing
bird perhaps.
If it was blind and
hadn't had it in months.
Tim McInnerny's the only actor in
Britain who can take off,
pull off,
that sounds quite rude, a ruff.
He can pull off a ruff that big.
That sounds terrible,
but you know with his physicality and
you know he does look like a bird.
I think you may be wrong.
You're a sad laughable figure,
aren't you?
I remember Richard Curtis once saying
that Tim has the mind and the voice
of Laurence Olivier but he has
the face and the neck of an ostrich.
Aargghhh. What's that?
To Tilbury, me hearties!
The wind is in the sails,
the oars are in the rowlocks
and we must away!
Lady, it is my captain.
Long on beard, short on legs.
Captain Red Beard Rum,
who's Tom Baker, who is magnificent.
He gets wheeled in.
"Long on beard, short on legs".
Oh, Captain, I wish you luck
from the bottom of my heart.
You have a woman's bottom, my lady!
He's my favourite Dr Who
so I'm working with, you know,
it was a fabulous week.
It's one of my favourite weeks.
I'll wager that sweet round pair
of peaches has never been
forced 'twixt two splintered planks
to plug a leak and save a ship.
Certainly hasn't
and I'm quite pleased about it.
Baker's appearance
is an absolute joy to behold.
That voice booming through.
Anyway, what's wrong with women's
bottoms? Not big enough, ma'am.
Mine might be.
Anyone who pays attention to her in
a slightly flirtatious or sexy way,
she crumbles with delight.
I think she thinks
he's quite extraordinary,
even if he is legless.
I know I'm only a bluff old
cove with no legs
and a beard
you could lose a badger in,
but if you'll take me
I'm willing to be captain
of your ship forever.
When she got overexcited
she would throw,
she throws her hands to her face
in a really obscure but childlike way
which is perfect for that moment.
What do you say?
Oh, yes, please.
I'll be back.
We'll all be back. Ah-hah!
Mildred the cat, of course, is funny
because much of the secret
of Blackadder
is built upon the idea of hierarchy.
CAT MEOWS
It is just funny, that noise.
Meow! It's just funny.
CAT MEOWS
Sir, poor little Mildred the cat,
what has he ever done to you?
It is the way of the world,
Baldrick.
The abused always kick downwards.
I'm annoyed, so I kick the cat,
the cat pounces on the mouse,
and finally the mouse... Ow.
..bites you on the behind.
I think Baldrick puts up with
all the physical and mental t*rture
that he receives from Blackadder
because he thinks
that's the way of the world.
He suffers pain and he accepts it
because that's what people do
to people like Baldrick.
He doesn't notice it
most of the time.
It takes a very long time for pain
to get from any part of his body
up to his brain and by the time
it gets there it's tired
and doesn't really register
very much.
What do I do? Nothing.
You are last in God's great chain.
Unless, of course, there's an earwig
around here you'd like to victimise.
Finally, we discover that there's
somebody even lower than Baldrick.
MUSIC: "Flash"
by Queen
And now, steel yourselves ladies,
it's Lord Flashheart.
He blasted onto screen in Series Two
but makes this surprise return
in an appropriate trench coat
in Series Four.
Ah... Hah! Eat knuckle, Fritz!
How disgusting,
a Boche on the sole of my boot.
The sheer opposite
of his character from Rowan's,
both in the narrative terms
and as performers,
made it a fabulous contrast.
Two of the most talented
comic performers of their day
facing off against each other.
I'll have to find some grass
to wipe it on.
I'll get shunned
in the officers' mess.
"Sorry about the pong. Trod on a
Boche and can't get rid of the whiff".
It was very boysie sort of stuff
but I think a lot of women,
like myself, loved it too.
Do you think we could dispense
with the hilarious doggy doo
metaphor for a moment?
I'm not a Boche.
It's a British trench.
Is it? Oh, that's a piece of luck!
Thought I'd landed sausage side.
The imperturbable debonair suavity
of Rowan's character, "oh, God",
would be his response
to this enormous,
"shut up, bang 'em", from Rick.
If word gets out that I'm missing,
girls will k*ll themselves.
I wouldn't want them
on my conscience -
they want to be on my face!
He's everything Blackadder
wants to be.
He's a hero,
he's brave, stylish,
and that's why Blackadder hates him.
I dumped the kite on the proles
so send a car.
General Melchett's driver.
She hangs around with the big knobs
so she'll be used to a
fellow like me. Woof woof!
I was working with Rick very closely
at the time on The Young Ones
and Filthy Rich and Cat Flap.
It was written specifically
with him in mind
and I thought it was brilliant.
Do you think you could make your
obscene phone calls somewhere else?
In another fine performance, here's
Hugh Laurie acting the perfect fool
as the Prince Regent,
a dim bulb indeed.
I'm a gay bachelor, Blackadder!
I'm a roarer, a rogerer,
a gorger and a puker.
Hugh's Prince Regent perhaps
should be celebrated more.
I mean a truly brilliant performance
of a foppish regency idiot.
Right, so what's the plan?
I thought I could take her
a short note
expressing
your honourable intentions.
Yes. Yes, I think so too.
All right then, well take this down.
From His Royal Highness, the Prince
of Wales to Miss Amy Hardwood.
Prince Regent, played by Hugh
Laurie so fantastically well,
was totally inept at wooing
and trying to write a love letter.
Tally-ho, my fine
saucy young trollop. Your luck's in.
Trip along here with all your
cash and some naughty night attire
and you'll be staring at my bedroom
ceiling from now till Christmas,
you lucky tart.
Ben and Richard
had written fantastic jokes
and some great opportunities
to shout and pull faces
which is sort of what I do,
or what I did at the time.
I've moved on since then.
Oh, yes. I've grown.
Yours with the deepest
respect etc, signed George.
PS - Woof woof!
That utter thickness
was something that was fun
to put Blackadder
against and different from Miranda's,
you know, sort of
dangerous childishness.
And Hugh is so good
as a performer in that.
There were bits that I once said
to him in rehearsal,
"Hugh you're a genius".
I don't understand why you're not a
famous Hollywood star! Now he is.
Well, what do you think?
It's very moving, sir.
Would you mind if I change just
one tiny aspect of it? Which one?
The words.
Hugh Laurie's utterly brilliant
but utterly historically inaccurate
portrayal of the Prince Regent
is fantastic, but it's ridiculous.
The Prince Regent was
when he became Prince Regent
and had a inch waist.
Hugh Laurie is very young
and very thin.
Strangely the only thing they have in
common, the things they picked up on
is the Prince Regent
was almost definitely pretty thick.
He was also
unbelievably profligate.
I'll leave the
details to you, Blackadder.
Just make sure she knows
I'm all man...
with a bit of animal thrown in!
Certainly, sir.
Think of that haggard figure in House
and you think,
is it really the same guy?
But, of course,
he's just a terrific actor
with a natural flair
for comedy.
Now here's Hugh again,
playing another prince
who might also be
a little over bred -
the evil Ludwig from Series Two.
Forgive me, Herr Blackadder. I have
been neglecting my duties as a host.
When he reveals himself and you see
it's Hugh Laurie you get excited.
Please accept my apo-logies.
Rowan is inside a t*rture machine
where the spikes point outwards
which must be the softest
t*rture machine in the world.
I accept nothing from a man who
imprisons his guests in a commode.
This mad German with, as ever with
Hugh, he managed to find a voice
which is very unexpected.
I hope this scum...has not
incon-wee-nienced you.
It takes more than a maniac trying
to cut off my goolies
to incon-WEE-nience me.
It's very much like a parody,
a very funny parody,
of this sort of Bond villain,
you know, has trapped Bond
and he's going to say,
"yes, I expect you to die",
and then there's this ludicrous kind
of arch bit of dialogue between them.
Good.
If he had incon-wee-nienced you
I was going
to offer you his tongue.
Believe me, sir,
if he had incon-wee-nienced me
you would not have a tongue
with which to make such an offer.
Let me assure you, Herr Blackadder,
if I no longer had a tongue
with which to make such an offer
you would no longer have a
tongue with which to tell me
that if I had incon-wee-nienced you
I would no longer have a tongue
with which to offer you his tongue.
Yes, well, enough of this banter.
The puritanical aunt is there
and Blackadder's terribly nervous
about upsetting her
but he's been going totally out
of it, playing silly games.
Blackadder arrives with the, erm,
the erm, what are they?
Stag party or slapstick boobs.
Sorry about that.
HE COUGHS
Sorry, he's sick.
Leprosy. Of the brain.
What he is trying to tell you
is that you appear to be wearing
a pair of devil's dumplings.
It's the only time I've ever seen
someone do a double take downwards,
where he notices this pair of breasts
and then, oh,
they really are breasts.
Oh, my God, my ear muffs
have fallen down.
It's getting...
would you like a pair?
It's getting rather cold.
No thank you.
There's no doubt in my mind
that Rowan is a comic genius.
Cold is God's way of telling
us to burn more Catholics.
Quite. Which reminds me, Aunty...
Don't call me aunty!
An aunt is a relative
and relatives are evidence of sex
and sex is hardly a fitting subject
for the dinner table.
Or, indeed, any table.
Except perhaps a table in a brothel.
There is something so absurd
about somebody walking around
with a pair of false boobs
on their head
that if you can't,
if you can't see the joke,
erm, there's something wrong
with you.
Welcome back to our catwalk
of cunning moments
with an early celebration
of French fashion and Parisian chic.
This was way back before Dior
and Chanel had made their mark.
Obviously.
If we are to stand
any chance of survival in France
we shall have to dress as the
smelliest lowlife imaginable.
Oh, yes? What sort of thing?
Well, sir, let me show
you our Paris collection.
Baldrick is wearing
a sheep's bladder jacket
with matching dung-ball
accessories.
Hair by Crazy Meg
of Bedlam Hell...
To have Baldrick swaying in,
sashaying his way into the room
as a model in a sort of fashion show
was just a lovely idea.
Notice how the overpowering aroma
of rotting pilchards
has been woven
cunningly into the ensemble.
Baldrick, when did you
last change your trousers?
I have never changed my trousers.
Thank you.
What does that say about
the citizens of this country,
that they would take Baldrick
to their heart?
He's not only stupid,
he's incontinent.
You see the ancient Greeks,
sir, wrote in legend
of a terrible container
in which all the evils
of the world were trapped.
How prophetic they were.
All they got wrong was the name.
They called it Pandora's box
but they meant Baldrick's trousers.
They certainly can get a bit whiffy,
there's no doubt about it.
Come on George. With , men
getting k*lled a week,
who's going to miss a pigeon?
You sh*t my Speckled Jim!
Melchett in Series Four
is a very different character
to the one in Two.
He was much, much more aggressive,
much more insane, much more powerful.
I call my first witness, General
Sir Anthony Cecil Hogmanay Melchett.
Ah, hmm.
Clever, clever!
The episode where Melchett presides
over a court
is a great parody of Britishness
cos we like to believe
that we play by the rules
and it was all very gentlemanly
and everyone had a right
to a decent trial
but actually it's just clearly
as arbitrary as any mad despotism is.
So there's a court but it's just
a rigged trial, it's a joke.
General...
did you own a lovely,
plump, speckly pigeon
called Speckled Jim
which you hand reared from a chick
and which was
your only childhood friend?
Yes. Yes, I did.
Did Captain Blackadder sh**t the
aforementioned pigeon? Yes, he did.
Can you see Captain Blackadder
anywhere in this courtroom?
That's him. That's him.
That's the man!
No more questions, sir.
Splendid, excellent, first class.
Howl, howl, howl.
Oh, well, can't be helped.
I enjoyed those sort of turning
on a sixpence emotionally things
that Melchett did.
I therefore
have absolutely no hesitation
in announcing that the
sentence of this court
is that you,
Captain Edmund Blackadder,
be taken from this place and suffer
death by sh**ting tomorrow at dawn.
Do you have anything to say?
Yes. Could I have
an alarm call, please?
As far as I recall it was Stephen
who came up with the name Darling,
which I think is one of
the truly great Blackadder jokes.
What do you want, Darling?
Doing Darling was a kind of,
a way of, um...
hoping people might
forget a little bit about Percy.
Yes, no, that was
a fruitful contribution.
One of the very few from Stephen Fry
who was generally a waste of space.
We actually had a vote just
before the technical crew came in.
Is this Darling joke
going to run very dry
and is it going
to seem really embarrassing
after the third episode
or will it sustain?
Tim said, "oh, please
let me keep it."
Don't worry, Darling. I intend
to interview suspects immediately.
This is ridiculous, Blackadder.
Darling is being completely
unfairly interrogated and tortured
by Blackadder and, as often with
Blackadder, it's extremely silly.
He's tied up
in this ridiculous comedy rope
with a potty on his head.
You can't suspect me,
I've just arrived!
The first rule of counter-espionage,
Darling - suspect everyone.
I shall be asking myself some
pretty searching questions later on.
Tell me, what is the colour
of the Queen's favourite hat?
How the hell should I know? I see.
You can see the relationship
between them was very strained,
had always been strained
Part of the thing that we worked on
in that
was Blackadder didn't like Darling.
Darling was this horrible little
spotty oik who had managed
to avoid being in the trenches.
Who is the German head of state?
Kaiser Wilhelm, obviously!
So you're on first name
terms with the Kaiser, are you?
What did you expect me to say?
Darling, Darling, shhh...
Cigarette?
He plays good cop for a second,
Blackadder.
He gives Darling a cigarette,
lights it....
Darling has a few puffs.
There's an amazing bit
of comic timing
and then Blackadder bats it out of
his mouth, plays bad cop again.
All right you stinking
piece of crap.
I beg your pardon?
Shut your cake hole, I know you.
Tell me von Darling,
what finally won you over?
Was it the pumpernickel or was it
the thought of hanging around
with big men in leather shorts?
I'll have you court-martialled!
For obeying
the general's orders?
That may be what you do in Munich,
or should I say Munchen?
But not here!
You're a filthy hun spy, aren't you?
Baldrick, the cocker spaniel,
please. No. No, wait...
A marvellous moment
to see Blackadder doing it.
We want him to have revenge on this
pencil-pushing, cowardly idiot
and he does it.
I was born in Croydon. Educated
at Icklethorpe primary school.
I've got a girlfriend called Doris.
I know the words to all three
verses of God Save The King.
Four verses. Four verses.
I meant four verses.
Tim, being a wonderful actor,
knew how to play someone
who all his life had been called
Darling in a sarcastic way
and he had that look in his eye.
Good luck, Blackadder.
Why, thank you, Darling.
The twitch stayed with me for months
actually. It was really difficult.
I did get quite scared
it would never go
and that I'd have to write
my own spin-offs
cos I couldn't get rid of the twitch
and I'd never get another job.
Blackadder is expecting
the Whiteadders,
who are some puritanical relations,
and there's some sort of legacy
involved so he has to impress them.
Greetings! How nice to see you.
They arrive with these crosses...
crosses on their heads.
Wicked child, don't lie!
Everyone hates us and you know it.
For a Jew, as I am,
to be covered in crosses...
was a complex experience.
There's probably a few...
popes watching that, going,
"That's not a bad idea".
May I introduce my friend,
Lord Percy?
Well, well, well, Eddie!
You didn't tell me you had
such a good-looking aunt.
Miriam is wonderful in that role
and then when she starts slapping
people, which is completely absurd,
as if you'd be so religious that
you'd go round slapping people.
I know what I like
and I like what I see.
Be gone, Satan!
There's just something hilarious
about the way
she gives his cheeks a pounding.
Every time Tim McInnerny
opens his mouth
he gets a good slap.
I guess she would say that
there's no way of really faking it.
Be gone, Satan.
But it really hurt, actually.
Wicked child!
In rehearsal Rowan got
a bit fed up with this
and actually, it was very funny.
He said, "would it be all right,
please, Miriam,
"if you didn't just do it
quite so hard?"
Wicked child!
One of my all-time
favourite episodes.
People remember it, people come up
to me and quote bits of,
bits of the text,
which is delightful.
What do they call you? Bob.
In our next moment,
Blackadder is distressed
and confused to find himself
lusting after his manservant, Bob.
But is Bob really that sort of boy?
There's something very frisky
about everything to do with Bob.
It's something so hilarious
about a proud character like
Blackadder making such a bad mistake.
I find you curiously
pleasant company, young Bob.
Rowan won't mind me saying
that he has in real life a slight
and entirely erotically splendid,
stutter, or stammer,
I never know quite
which is which,
and particularly on the letter B
which makes him say words
like "Bob" very funny.
Good night, Bob.
Good night, my lord.
I've known people
who can do better Os
but his Bs,
beginning and ending Bs -
un...beatable.
Bob. I've got something
very important to say to you
and I want you
to listen carefully. Yes?
Rowan looked gorgeous
in Blackadder II.
I think the little goatee beard
thing and the costume was...
yeah, very, very dashing.
He looked terribly dashing.
I want you to leave my service
and become my live-in chum.
Oh, my lord.
I want to make it clear
that I am in no way interested
in the contents of your tights.
You might be, my lord,
if you knew what I kept in them.
Ah, ha! I flatter myself, Bob,
that I know what a gentleman
keeps in his tights
thank you very much.
It's wonderfully played by
Gabby Glaister and the awkwardness
of Blackadder dealing with this
young boy he's in love with
is just glorious.
Prepare to be amazed.
Oh, no. You haven't got
one of those birthmarks
shaped like a banana have you? No.
Or...or a...or a
tattoo saying "get it here"? No.
You then you get this bizarre
musical, sort of, trill
which overscores her
showing of her bosoms.
FLUTE TRILL PLAYS
Ah...
"Hoo hoo hoo", like that,
to go, she's showing her bosoms.
And you can't believe it
but it absolutely works.
Good lord.
So what was all that
Bob stuff about, then?
You would have used me
and cast me aside
like you have so many women before.
Ha. Would I? Yes.
But now you've had a chance to grow
to love me for what I really am.
Yes, that's true.
And now I want to marry you, Bob.
Our next moment features one
of TV's great comedy duos
in a characteristically
over the top moment.
It was great having Ade Edmondson,
on the other half of Bottom,
to play Flashheart's oppo
in the, um,
in the Royal Flying Corps episode.
Not so fast, Blackadder!
Oh, damn, foiled again.
What bad luck!
Ah, and the Lord Flashheart.
This is indeed an honour.
They were seen in those day,
Rick and Ade, from as different,
not a different generation
or a different class,
cos we're all graduate humour really,
but they were alternative whereas
us lot were more mainstream.
Or not mainstream but from
a tradition of Footlights,
the Oxbridge humour I suppose
which one can't deny it,
which they were not from,
so for them to be involved
as well was a particular pleasure.
Finally the two greatest
gentlemen flyers in the world meet.
Two men of honour who
have jousted together
in the cloud-strewn glory
of the skies, face to face at last.
It's what we've seen in many films or
the way we imagine those w*r aces were,
the kind of, the Red Baron
versus whoever we could offer,
Biggles or someone like that
and they respect each other.
At any other time,
they may even be friends
if weren't for this blasted w*r.
How often I have rehearsed this
moment of destiny in my dreams.
Some First World w*r pilots
regarded themselves as these knights
so again, a nice little joke
about the historical record.
The valour we two encapsulate, the
unspoken nobility of our comradeship...
g*nsh*t
What a poof!
Come on! We're out!
To then just get a b*llet
and "what a poof"
and off they go, I think
is one of the great moments.
Darling? Sir! No, no.
Sit, sit, sit, sit.
My final scene with Stephen
before going to the front line
was brilliant. I mean, it is...
it is very funny but it's awful.
This is a commission
for the frontline, sir. Yes.
I've been awfully selfish, Darling,
keeping you back here
instead of letting you join in
the fun and games.
This will let you get
to the frontline immediately.
You know, Tim's a very fine actor
and so is Stephen and just that
idea of definitely condemning
a man to death and not...
him not being able
to object was, you know, moving.
There were a few things in that
final episode that feel very apt.
I don't want to go into battle.
Without me. I know.
But I'm too old, Darling.
Darling's desperation and,
you know, agony
makes it, sadly, even funnier
and it is a very, very funny scene
and it's heartbreaking
at the same time.
You're not listening, sir.
I'm begging you, please.
Brilliant, believable performance,
though completely silly with Melchett
wearing his ludicrous
moustache grooming thing
that they used to wear
when they went to bed.
For the sake of all the times I've
helped you with your dickie bows
and your dickie bladder, please.
Melchett really isn't listening
and doesn't understand,
seem to understand, that he's
sending him off to certain death.
Don't make me...
Make you go through the farewell
de-bagging ceremony in the mess.
No, I've spared you that too,
you touchingly sentimental
young booby.
He represents
the absolute insanity of the w*r.
I mean, without being too pompous
about Blackadder, it does, I think,
illustrate perfectly the nature
of that grotesque w*r,
the genuine insanity, if you like,
of the way the w*r was practiced,
which for all,
however it may have been justifiable,
to us is now clear it was a moment
of madness in human history
that one would never want
to repeat again.
So it's wonderful, you've concentrated
some of that madness into a single being.
Look, no fuss, no bother,
the driver is already here.
But... No, no, not a word, Kevin.
I know what you want to say. I know.
It was also beautifully sh*t.
I mean, long shadows and high camera
angles, and it was brilliantly sh*t
which added to the drama of it.
Goodbye, Kevin Darling. Goodbye.
I think it's a very special
piece of comedy.
Welcome back to our cunning countdown
as selected by the Blackadder family
including actual modern-day,
living and breathing Blackadders.
A couple of weeks ago,
walking into a bank
and pretty much the guy took
my details, laughed
and everyone in the bank, started singing
the theme tune. Pretty embarrassing.
Blackadder refuses to
be embarrassed next,
as he digs himself out of a hole
with astonishing dexterity.
The monk, who'd been having a hard
drinking game with Blackadder,
comes in and he is totally out of it
and he does everything
you really wouldn't expect
a monk to do.
MONK VOMITS
Great booze up, Edmund!
Do you know that man? Oh, yes. I do.
Then can you explain
what he meant by "great booze up"?
'There's seconds
when he says nothing'
but you can see his mind working,
you can see,
and it's comic genius
where he's going,
"well, well..."
and he does it for about
seconds and then goes, "yes, I can".
Yes, I can.
He manages to worm his way
out of this situation
through his sheer verbal gymnastics
and kind of amazing dry,
articulate wit.
My friend is a missionary
and on his last visit abroad
brought back with him
the chief of a famous tribe.
His name is Great Boo.
He's been suffering
from sleeping sickness
and he's obviously just woken
because, as you heard,
Great Boo's up.
Well, done Edmund.
And I think I'd just better go
and visit him. Pers', over to you.
Blackadder is one of the
few sitcoms that addresses
the great matters of state -
religion, politics, w*r and peace.
But it's not afraid to plunder the
vegetable patch for a few extra laughs.
Is the turnip surprise ready?
It's just...
THEY GIGGLE
Then what is so funny?
Well, my lord, while Baldrick and I
were preparing the turnip surprise,
we had a surprise.
We came across a turnip that
was exactly the same shape...
..as a thingy.
I love it when people get giggles
and they were
sniggering and tittering
because they had found a turnip
shaped like a thingy.
I can remember Ben Elton,
who in many ways
is an extraordinarily talented guy,
bouncing up to me and saying,
"I've got a great idea, Tony,
Baldrick loves turnips".
Minimum bribe level.
One turnip.
I said to him,
what is so funny about turnips?
And he said, well, you know,
the shape.
They're like that
and they go up to a point at the end.
And I said, "Ben that's parsnips."
He said, "whatever,
it's really funny, believe me".
A thingy?
Yeah. A great big thingy.
It was terrific.
Size is no guarantee
of quality, Baldrick.
Most horses are very well endowed
but that does not necessarily
make them sensitive lovers.
I trust you have removed this
hilarious item? Yes, my lord.
Good, because nothing's more
likely to stop an inheritance
than a thingy-shaped turnip.
Absolutely, Edmund...
But it was jolly funny!
I found it particularly ironic,
my lord,
because I've got a thingy
that's shaped like a turnip.
I'm a great hit at parties. Are you?
Yeah, I hide in the vegetable
rack and frighten the children.
So he's actually got a turnip
shaped penis.
Takes a while to find that funny.
Right Baldrick, let's try again,
shall we? This is called adding.
If I have two beans
and then I add two more beans,
what do I have?
Some beans.
This scene marks the big
turning point for Baldrick.
Up until then he'd been
the chipperest
of the triumvirate of Percy,
Blackadder and Baldrick.
He was the one who genuinely
did have some idea
how they might get out
of their scrapes.
But now we come to the beans
and the realisation
that Baldrick can't even count.
Let's try again shall we?
I have two beans, then I add
two more beans. What does that make?
A very small casserole.
The fact that Baldrick
very rarely looks up at him.
You don't get your nice,
you know, tilt of your head.
He just keeps looking at the beans
hoping that they are the ones that
will furnish him with the answer.
So if I add that one to the
three what will I have?
Oh. Some beans.
Yes. To you, Baldrick,
the Renaissance was just something
that happened to other people,
wasn't it?
It was just a very clever example of
Blackadder and the Blackadder humour
because it was just taking something
tiny and making it very funny.
Baldrick's back
and he's making a cuppa.
Sadly, supplies are running thin.
Time to improvise.
By the time we get to Series Four,
Baldrick has no brain at all.
Baldrick, fix us
some coffee, will you?
And try to make it taste slightly
less like mud this time.
Not easy I'm afraid, Captain.
Why is this? Because it is mud.
We ran out of coffee months ago.
So every time I've drunk your
coffee since I have, in fact,
been drinking hot mud?
With sugar.
In the original script, the only line
was about the fact that the coffee
was made out of mud and then somebody
said, why don't you have sugar?
Which makes all the difference(!)
Well, it would do if we had any
sugar but unfortunately we ran out
on New Year's Eve , since when
I've been using sugar substitute.
Which is? Dandruff.
Brilliant.
Coming up with what each
vile ingredient was,
it's always lovely in comedy when
you set yourself a challenge.
So we've got some coffee.
What's the coffee? What's the froth?
I could add some milk this time.
Well, saliva.
No. No, thank you,
Baldrick.
Call me Mr Picky but I think
I'll cancel coffee.
This is a fantastic scene
because it is a perfect
demonstration
of the futility of human endeavour.
Success! What?
After literally an hour's
ceaseless searching,
I have succeeded in creating gold,
pure gold.
Are you sure? Yes, my lord.
This is when the humour
comes together perfectly,
that winning formula of Blackadder
being incredibly rude
to people that are just stupid.
They think they've created gold.
It's a bunch of idiots.
Behold!
Percy, it's green.
That's right, my lord.
Yes, Percy, I don't want
to be pedantic or anything
but the colour of gold is gold.
That's why it's called gold.
What you have discovered,
if it has a name, is some green.
What a perfectly useless
thing to create. Green.
Can it be true,
that I hold here in my mortal hand
a nugget of purest green?
Indeed you do, Percy, except,
it's not really a nugget.
More of a splat.
Percy was so thrilled to have
created this, this thing.
Well, yes.
A splat today but tomorrow,
who knows or dares to dream?
So, we three alone in all the world
can create the finest green at will.
Just so.
Not sure about counting
in Baldrick, actually.
You know what your great discovery
means, Percy?
Perhaps, my lord. That you Percy,
Lord Percy...
are an utter berk.
We could actually probably
have made a fortune
by creating lots of bits of green
and selling them to the public.
Maybe I still could.
I'd like to see the Spaniard
who could make his way past me.
Well, go to Spain,
there are millions of them.
I'd like them to stay there.
Keep their hands of our women.
Oh, god. Who is she this time?
I don't know what you mean. Ah!
Ah, and who is Jane?
I'm sworn to secrecy. t*rture me,
k*ll me, you shall never know.
Ow! Jane Harrington.
Ah...
We are very much in love, my lord.
This is THE Jane Harrington? Yes.
Jane "bury me in a Y-shaped coffin"
Harrington?
And it's a lovely image.
A Y-shaped coffin.
It's just a fantastic image.
I think maybe there are
two Jane Harringtons.
No? Tall, blond, elegant?
That's right. Goes like a privy
door when the plague's in town?
Bangs like a privy door
when the plague's in town.
You know, the plague's in town,
as if it just comes now and again.
You'll get over her.
I did.
His timing in it, it's...
it's priceless.
So did Baldrick, actually.
Argh!
It's the combination of the
visual and the timing and the words.
It's just, you know,
all of those coming together.
Beautiful. Beautiful.
Still on a romantic theme,
Blackadder shows his true colours
in this hilarious moment of pillow
talk with Miranda Richardson,
reincarnated as Mary.
Queenie would have
lopped his head off.
Do you have someone
special in your life?
Well, yes, as a matter of fact,
I do.
Who? Me.
There's absolutely
no temptation here
that they're going to
fall into a real romantic thing,
that, Blackadder's selfishness
and thinking of himself
is really going to come first
no matter what.
No, I mean someone you love
and cherish and want to keep safe
from all the horror and the hurt.
Mmm...still me, really.
They've obviously done the
dirty deed and he's still
completely emotionally absent
and self-involved.
Though maybe, I don't know,
maybe he's slightly wistful.
I've always been a soldier,
married to the army.
The book of king's regulations
is my mistress,
possibly with a Harrods lingerie
catalogue discreetly tucked
between the pages.
And no casual girlfriends?
Skirt? Ha!
If only. When I joined up we were
still fighting colonial wars.
If you saw someone in a skirt you
sh*t him and nicked his country.
That's just such a wonderfully
simplistic and yet funny view
of the expansion
of the British Empire.
Have you got a man?
Some fine fellow in an English
country village. A vicar, maybe?
Quiet, gentle...
hung like a baboon.
There was a man
I cared for a little.
Wonderful chap. Strong, atheletic.
What happened to him?
He bought it.
I'm so sorry, I didn't realise
that was the arrangement.
So what do you think now, nights
and let's say nine afternoons,
how much is...oh, and a couple
of mornings... I mean he d*ed.
There's an underlying bit
of sadness about it
which I think was, it goes all
the way through the final series
because of the circumstances
and the era and the timing of it.
And the resonance of those scenes and
how they would...actually have been,
you know, in those sort of relationships
are always potentially quite fleeting.
When are we going to give Fritz
a taste of our British spunk?
George, please.
A girl wouldn't
have written that line
but secretly girls
find that funny.
You shouldn't find it funny and the
fact that, I shouldn't say this,
but it comes out of his mouth.
No-one is more anxious
to advance than I am
but until I get these communication
problems sorted, we're stuck.
PHONE RINGS
Captain Blackadder speaking.
No, I'm afraid the line's very...
HE IMITATES WHITE NOISE
Hello? Hello,
Captain Blackadder, hello?
Schnell, schnell, kartofelkopf...
In that sequence,
Blackadder and Darling on the phone,
that was fun to do
in front of the audience.
I said there's
a terrible line at my end.
You're to advance
on the enemy at once.
He does this one where he sort of
sticks his tongue out and goes...
for a bit too long.
HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY
(LOWERS VOICE) A wandering
minstrel... Beep.... Gale force .
Come on, sir, what's the message?
I'm on tenterhooks!
As far as I can tell the message was
he's got a terrible lion up his end
so there's an advantage
to an enema at once. Damn.
The idea that someone in an office
can ring you up on the front
and say, "go to your death".
It's understandable
that Blackadder shouldn't warm
to the character of Darling.
In these circumstances,
I wouldn't either!
Welcome back to our celebration
of magnificent Blackadder moments.
We are well into the top ten now
so although we've had treats already
I can safely predict that
the moments are in all likelihood
going to get even more superb.
Miriam Margolyes plays
a Spanish princess
who's perhaps more lusty
than lovely.
Oh, well, you can't have it all.
SHE SPEAKS SPANISH
The main thing about the Spanish
infanta is that she's hideously ugly
and I could have felt a bit peeved
at being cast in this role
because although fat, I am charming
and pleasant looking.
My favourite bit from Blackadder I,
without exception,
and there were some very good bits
to choose from,
was Jim and Miriam's Spanish
interpreter saying,
"well, it's nice
to talk about a ladies thing".
SHE TALKS SPANISH
Well, this is nice.
The fact that he was slightly
camp seemed to be, fall into place
from how it was written and the fact
that it had the famous line,
"nice to have just a little talk
just about the ladies things".
SHE TALKS SPANISH
To have a little talk
about ladies things.
SHE TALKS SPANISH
Just the two of us.
Now, I'm a specialist in accents
and I'm not quite sure...
I'm not quite sure
what accent Jim was employing.
It doesn't matter.
SHE TALKS SPANISH
So tell me, Mrs Queen,
about English men.
I've never worked out
why it's so perfect
but I think it's that he
mis-stresses every single word.
It's just a sort of
astonishing technical feat
to get the rhythms of the
English language so completely wrong.
Now Edmund. What's he like?
Well, I told you this morning.
THEY TALK IN SPANISH
No. What's he like in bed?
It's sort of his child-like
delight at saying,
"and what's he like in bed",
"in ba-eed".
Yes, in bed he likes hot milk
with just a little tot of cinnamon.
No, no, no, no, no.
What IS he like?
Oh, well...
he's like a little rabbit, really.
SHE TALKS IN SPANISH AND LAUGHS
He translates to, "Oh, she thinks
he shags like a rabbit".
SHE TALKS IN SPANISH
She got everything wrong because
she's thinking of sex all the time
because she's a complete
nymphomaniac
on the level of a dinosaur.
She would accept any twerp onto
her bosom. She's that kind of lady.
SHE TALKS IN SPANISH
Oh, Mummy, Mummy,
how much I love you.
The interpreter is one of the
greatest comic moments on TV.
Right, sir, what do we do now?
Shall I do my w*r poem?
How hurt would you be if
I gave the honest answer,
which is, "no, I'd rather
French kiss a skunk"?
So would I, sir.
OK, fire away.
He's like a kid at school
on parent's day, just stood on stage
reciting his poem that
he's so proud of.
This one is called The German g*ns.
Oh, spiffing! Yes, let's hear that.
Boom, boom, boom, boom...
To see Ben parody the notion of the
w*r poem into one word which is just
the sound of the damn g*ns going off
I thought was a piece of brilliance.
The "boom, boom" song, I watched
that with my kids and they loved it.
I thought it was a bit grim
actually but there you go.
Erm, I mean, nicely performed.
Boom, boom, boom.
How could Baldrick write a poem
that had more than one syllable?
It's just impossible.
Anything else would be...
would be cheating the audience.
Boom, boom, boom, boom...
Boom, boom, boom?
How did you guess, sir?
I say sir, that is spooky.
Sorry, I've got to
get out of here!
I think I might have been
judging a poetry competition
at my son's school
and one of the boys,
they were doing you know
Rudyard Kipling and Roger McGough
and lots of other serious long poems,
and then one of the boys stood up
and said, "this poem is called w*r
"by S. Baldrick",
and just said "boom" ten times.
I felt very proud. I didn't realise
that I had contributed
to English culture in that way, or me
or Ben or whoever came up with it.
There was a wedding going on.
Blackadder was going
to marry Bob
and suddenly into the scene
came this big huge character
just full of balls really, I suppose
there's no other way to describe it!
It's me. Flash!
He explodes.
Flash by name, flash by nature.
The way he's dressed is just
superb, like a hussar.
Hooray! Hooray!
It's amazing. Whatever he wears,
what wig, the audience gasps.
He's got such braggadocio.
Who is that?
I don't know but he's in your place.
He picks him up
and throws him out the door.
Thanks bridesmaid. Like the beard.
"Gives me something to hang onto".
Gives me something to HANG onto!
If you look at the scene you see
everyone standing around on that set
looking completely amazed
at the force of nature
that's arrived.
So, me old mate Eddie's
getting hitched, eh?
What's the matter? Can't stand
the pace of the in-crowd?!
Because Rick was so noisy,
so determined that what he said
should be the funniest
and the loudest
that it could possibly be,
that Rowan just gently stepped back
during those weeks
and did his homework in private
while we indulged Rick's
magnificent firework personality
and then Rowan would step forward
once Flashheart had buggered off.
Hi, Queenie.
The Queen of England just melts.
You look sexy. Woof!
But listen, wear your hair long.
I prefer it that way.
I've got such a crush on him.
Your life is made better,
for a moment, when Flash is there.
Woof! Nursie.
Nursie fancied him rotten.
I like it firm and fruity.
Am I pleased to see you or did I
just put a canoe in my pocket?
Down boy, down!
Hot, red-blooded male, isn't he?
He's alpha male.
Where's this amazing bird?
The one who stopped my old pal Eddie
doing exactly whatever he wants
ten times a night.
Ah yes, Flash, let me
introduce my...my fiancee, Kate.
Hi, baby.
Ah, she's got a tongue
like an electric eel
and she likes the
taste of a man's tonsils.
Flashheart, I think...I think we'd
all like to be just a little bit.
In the episode
in which Blackadder attempts
to demonstrate his insanity by using
the word "wibble" all the time.
It's... It is preposterously funny.
This is a large crisis and a
large crisis requires a large plan.
Get me two pencils
and a pair of underpants.
Right, Baldrick, this is an old
trick I picked up in the Sudan.
We tell HQ that I've gone insane
and I'll be invalided
back to Blighty
before you can say "wibble".
Rowan is a big one for the plosive,
um, Ps and Bs are very...
I can't begin to do it. Why did
I even try to do Rowan doing it?
I just like the word. Wibble.
Wibble. Wibble. Wibble.
Wibble.
Poor gormless idiot.
I'm a poor gormless idiot, sir
and I've never been invalided
back to Blighty.
Yes, Baldrick.
But you never said "wibble".
Now ask me some simple questions.
Right. What is your name?
Wibble. What is two plus two?
Oh, wibble wibble.
Where do you live? London.
Eh? A small village on Mars,
just outside the capital city...
Wibble.
All men present and correct, sir.
Ready for the off, eh? I'm afraid not.
I'm just off to Hartlepool
to buy some exploding trousers.
Come again, sir.
Have you gone barking mad?
Yes, I have.
Cluck, cluck, gibber, gibber,
my old man's a mushroom etc.
This irony that he is
in the maddest, craziest situation
you could possibly be in
and yet he's trying to prove
his madness to get out of it.
Stephen Fry comes on,
as always steals the show, and plays
Wellington in the final episode.
They get his nose very right.
They craft it to look exactly
like the Duke of Wellington.
His nickname was Nosey
because he had a huge nose.
And may the best man win...
ie, me.
But the other thing that is so
great I think, is Stephen's wig.
He looks so completely Georgian,
so like how I imagine
the Duke the Wellington would have
looked that it's plausible.
Your tea, sir. You're late!
Quite frightening
when he gets a bit of a shout on.
That big booming, you know,
just for no reason
he has to talk extremely
loudly because he is Wellington.
Where the hell have you been,
Florin? India?
The skill is not in the person
punching or throwing the slap,
it's always in the person
receiving it.
Anyone can do that or that.
It's the timing of your "ow",
and Hugh is an absolute genius
at being hit.
I remember him arriving
to do this...the violent stuff,
the slapstick stuff,
with some trepidation
because I've done things with
Stephen before, physical things.
You know, when he's had to act
punching me and...his acting...
How can I put it? He's punched me.
He's just punched me.
Where the hell
have you been? India?
Or Ceylon?
Or China?!
It's the force which he comes
towards it and smashes that table
is so unexpected that it just,
it works perfectly.
It's one of those jokes
that you just go.
Or China?
And don't bother
to show me the way out.
I don't want to die of old age
before I get to the front door.
Stephen Fry obviously loved the idea
because it's a great comic idea
that the upper classes aren't just
rude to the lower classes
but hit them physically.
Dr Johnson, your highness.
Ah, Dr Johnson! Damn cold day.
Indeed it is, sir,
but a very fine one.
One of the joys of Blackadder
was that every so often
Robbie Coltrane would join us.
Robbie Coltrane as Dr Johnson,
in a truly brilliant performance.
I celebrated last night
the encyclopaedic implementation
of my premeditated orchestration
of demotic Anglo-Saxon.
No, didn't catch any of that.
There was a certain truth to it
beyond the magnificent comedy.
Plus the script at the time
that they gave him was brilliant.
It is witty, it is elegant
and they play it to the hilt.
Well, I simply observe, sir,
that I am felicitous since
during the course
of the penultimate solar sojourn
I terminated
my uninterrupted categorisation
of the vocabulary
of our post-Norman time.
Well, I don't know
what you're talking about
but it sounds damn saucy,
you lucky thing!
I believe, sir, that the doctor
is trying to tell you
that he is happy because
he has finished his book.
It has apparently
taken him ten years.
Yes, well, I'm a slow reader myself.
It's a great example
of Blackadder at its best,
which is, that it,
you know, pricks pomposity.
This book, sir, contains every
word in our beloved language. Ooh...
Every single one, sir?
Every single word, sir.
Oh, well in that case, sir,
I hope you will not object
if I also offer the doctor my most
enthusiastic contraphibularities.
What? Contraphibularities, sir?
It is a common word down our way.
It is very much public schoolboy, um,
undergraduate humour, isn't it?
It's all about words.
Damn!
Oh, I'm sorry sir.
I'm an aspeptic, phrasemotic...
..even compunctuous to have
caused you such pericombobulation.
What, what, what?
The smugness and enjoyment
with which Blackadder
is ruining Samuel Johnson's life.
This man spent ten years
writing his dictionary
and Blackadder takes enormous
pleasure knocking him down.
I'm sorry sir. I merely wished
to congratulate the doctor
on not having left out
a single word.
Blackadder cannot resist coming
up with things to confound him.
It is his ability to snipe.
Something that we'd all like to have
the bravery to do. Or I would.
Oh, if only I'd managed to, damn!
If I was there again...
I'd do this, I'd say this...
And he does it. He has the bon mot.
I shall return interfrastically.
Welcome back to the climactic part
of Blackadder's
Most Cunning Moments.
And now our second
most marvellous moment.
Not long to go now, Darling.
How do I look, Darling?
Girl-bait, sir.
Pure bloody girl-bait!
We speak at cross purposes
and it's rather touching
because I'm rehearsing
my lines of love to Georgina
and he takes them personally
and you know that he likes
taking them personally.
It's all very weird and
very British but highly enjoyable.
Moustache bushy enough?
Like a privet hedge, sir.
Good because I want to catch
a particularly beautiful
creature in this bush tonight.
Wherever Stephen goes he travels
with a small packet
of double entendre in his wallet
which he can whip out...
at a moment's notice.
I know exactly
what I'll say to her. Darling...
Yes, sir?
What? Um. I don't know, sir.
Well, don't butt in. Sorry, sir.
Such a simple joke but it is,
it is irresistible and it
works over and over again.
I want to make you happy, darling.
Well, that's very kind of you, sir.
Will you stop interrupting?
Listen, or else how can
you tell me what you think?
I want to make you happy, darling.
I want to build a nest
for your ten tiny toes.
I want to cover every inch
of your gorgeous body in pepper
and then sneeze all over you.
Really sir, I must protest.
That realisation on his face
and them him considering,
"actually that's not much,
I could live with that
"as long as I don't have to
go to the front."
What is the matter with you, Darling?
Well, it's just all so sudden,
sir, and I mean the nest bit's fine
but the pepper business
is definitely out.
How dare you tell me how I may or
may not treat my beloved Georgina?
Georgina? Yes. I'm working out what
I want to say to her this evening.
Oh, yes. Of course. Thank God.
I think it's a fantastic piece of
writing and it was great fun to do
and very difficult to do.
Honestly, Darling,
you really are the most graceless,
dim-witted bumpkin I ever met.
I don't think you should
say that to her, sir.
You'd think being called Darling
times an hour by your boss
would be quite nice, really.
You'd get done for sexual harassment.
And now here we are.
The number one Blackadder moment
and one of the most popular scenes
in TV history.
Don't forget your stick lieutenant.
Rather, sir.
I wouldn't want to face
a machine g*n without this.
The last episode of the fourth
series of Blackadder,
as many people have often said,
is an extraordinary piece of
television,
of writing and acting as
it starts off very jolly and silly
and is a bit of a scam and gradually
gets more and more serious and sad
and actually quite scary and ends
with that extraordinary scene.
It's become inevitable
and you can't believe
that these people
who are completely personal to you,
they are like family,
are in this situation.
Listen. Our g*ns have stopped.
You don't think...?
Maybe the w*r's over.
Maybe it's peace.
Oh, hoorah! The big knobs
have got round the table
and yanked the iron out of the fire.
Thank God. We lived through it!
The Great w*r, to .
Hip hip...
ALL: Hooray.
Each of the little lines
that come before they go over the top
has a particular point to do
with defeatism and optimism
and then the final twist when he says
it's the end of the w*r and it's
and you know that that,
that's not right.
I'm afraid not.
The g*ns have stopped
because we're about to att*ck.
Not even our generals are mad
enough to shell their own men.
They think it's far more
sporting to let the Germans do it.
So we are in fact going over?
This is, as they say, it?
The resignation, the sadness,
the wisdom and the bravery.
I'm afraid so.
Unless I can think of something
very quickly.
COMPANY...one pace forward.
Oh, there's a nasty
splinter on that ladder, sir.
A bloke could hurt himself on that.
STAND READY...
I have a plan, sir.
Really, Baldrick?
A cunning and subtle one? Yes, sir.
As cunning as a fox who's just been
appointed professor of cunning
at Oxford University? Yes, sir.
On the signal company
will head forth.
Well, I'm afraid
it will have to wait.
There's his abrupt stop.
The joke's finished.
I'm sure it was
better than my plan
to get out of this
by pretending to be mad.
I mean who would have noticed
another mad man around here?
Clearly the atmosphere
of the last episode
was deliberately
thought provoking.
I mean the whole idea you
have to be mad to be in it
so you're not going to
get out by being mad,
and I hope that the tone
was set not just by the script
but by the fantastic performances.
WHISTLE BLOWS IN DISTANCE
Good luck, everyone.
Reality comes in and
reality is standing there
waiting to go over the top
and the whistle blowing
and the words "good luck" and you know
that luck had nothing to do with it.
Charge!
g*n FIRE AND EXPLOSIONS
And the music, that sort of
pub piano feeling right at the end
from Howard Goodall I thought
was absolutely, um...chilling.
It's tremendously moving,
always brings a tear to the eye
and a fantastic, fitting end
to a great series.
And that perhaps is the
brilliance of Blackadder,
the reason it stands head and
shoulders above the rest,
it was always prepared
to push the boundaries
and redefine what a sitcom could be.
It brought home
the madness of history
in a way that mostly made us laugh
but wasn't afraid to make us cry.
Thank you, Blackadder.
People often ask me
if I'm proud of Blackadder
or proud of doing it
or proud of producing it
and what I'm really proud of is
this amazing sense of teamwork.
I think I just feel lucky.
You know, you do your best
that you can in your s
to try and do the thing
that you think is funniest
and it's a fluke and a miracle
if it turns out
that the one you wrote has lasted.
The great news is everybody
involved in it are still friends,
I mean very much so.
We're eternally bound together
you know by the experience.
Every year we meet under the
clock at Paddington station,
ten to four, all wearing the tie,
we got a tie made, you know, nice.
Go away. Yes, my lord.