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Bill! Bill, good to see you.
Sorry I was late - the traffic was a bitch!
Good to see you.
Well, the play's going well, isn't it?
Looks like we've got a bit
of a smash on our hands.
Well, it, er, seems to be OK, yeah.
They always seem to go for the
ones with the snappy title
"Hamlet". Perfect! Perfect.
Act Three may be a bit long,
I don't know...
Act Three may be a bit long...
In fact, generally, I think we've got
a bit of a length problem.
Oh?
It's five hours, Bill,
on wooden seats,
and no toilets this side of the Thames.
Yeah, well, I've always said the
Rose Theatre is a dump, frankly.
I mean, the sooner they knock it down
and build something decent, the better.
Exactly.
So that's why I think we should
trim some of the dead wood.
"Dead wood"?
Yeah, you know: some of that standup
stuff in the middle of the action.
You mean the soliloquies?
Yeah,
and I think we both know
which is the dodgy one.
Oh?
Oh? Which is "the dodgy one"?
Erm...
"To be ... nobler in the mind ...
mortal coil ..."; that one.
It's boring, Bill.
The crowd hates it -- Yawnsville.
Well, I don't know about that.
It happens to be my favourite, actually.
Bill, you said that about the avocado
monologue in "King Lear",
and the tap dance at the end
of "Othello".
Absolutely not!
You cut one word of that,
and I'm off the play.
Bill, Bill...
the King has got his costume
change down to one minute.
Hamlet's out there ranting on
about God-knows-what
in that soliloquy of yours,
and Claudius is already in the wings
waiting to come on with that
very funny codpiece
waiting!
All right, all right,
you can just cut the whole
speech altogether!
Bill, Bill, Bill...
Why do we have to fight?
It's long, long, long.
We could make it so snappy...
"Snappy"?
Yeah, you know: give it some pizzazz.
How's it begin, that speech?
"To be."
Come on, come on, Bill.
"To be a victim of all
life's earthly woes,
or not to be a coward and take
Death by his proffered hand."
There, now; I'm sure we
can get that down!
No! Absolutely not!
It's perfect.
How about "To be a victim,
or not to be coward"?
It doesn't make sense, does it!
To be a victim of what?
to be coward about what?
OK, OK.
Take out "victim"
take out "coward".
Just start "To be, or not to be".
You can't say that!
It's gibberish!
But it's short, William,
it's short!
Listen, it flows:
"To be, or not to be,
that is the question."
D'de, d'de de de,
d'de d'de de de!
OK?
You're damn right
it's the question
they won't have any bloody idea
what he's talking about!
Well, OK, let's leave that and go on.
"Blah blah blah blah blah,
slings and arrows" -- good!
Action! The crowds love it -
- "take up arms" -- brilliant
"against those cursed doubts
that do plague on man"
eugh...
Getting very woolly there, Bill.
Plague's a bit tasteless at the moment
we've had letters, actually.
"...and set sail on a sea of troubles"
This is good: travel.
Travel's very popular.
So let's just take out the guff
and see what we've got.
"...to suffer the slings
and arrows of outrageous fortune,
or to take up arms against
a sea of troubles !"
Good!
I resign.
Bill, it's brilliant!
It's absolute crap!
What is he talking about?
He's going to put on a bow and arrow
and potter down to the seaside?
This is Prince Hamlet,
not King Canute!
He might as well k*ll himself if that's the
best idea he can come up with.
Creative thinking, Bill!
Hamlet, perhaps he should top himself!
In Act One?
Well, yeah,
well, look we must think about
bums on seats, Bill.
Let's face it:
It's the ghost that's selling
this show at the moment.
Joe Public loves the ghost.
He loves the swordfights.
He loves the crazy chick in the see through
dress who does the flower gags
and then drowns herself.
But no-one likes Hamlet.
No-one !
All right, then, I'll k*ll him
off for you.
Ermm...
"Aye, there's the rub.
To die, to sleep..."
Whoops!
"Hamlet falls off the battlements."
Bill, Bill, Bill.
I can see, I can see you're annoyed.
I'm sorry.
Hamlet, Hamlet has his moments.
The mad stuff is very funny.
It really is hysterical.
But all I'm saying, Shakey,
is that
let's just shorten this one
terribly dull speech.
...and all I'm saying is no.
You cut one word, and you can
take my name off the credits.
All right.
I'll trim this speech,
and you can put back in those
awful cockney gravediggers.
The both of them?
Yeah.
And the skull routine?
Yep -- the whole sketch.
All right, then, you've got a deal
and we'll see which one
history remembers.
Bill, I love you!
Tempermental git!
oldman ( . . .)