♪ Blackadder, Blackadder... ♪
(NARRATOR) In the reign
of good Queen Vic,
there stood, in Dumpling Lane
in Old London Town,
the moustache shop
of one Ebenezer Blackadder,
the kindest and loveliest
man in all England.
# He's kind and generous to the sick
# He'd never spread a nasty rumour
# He never gets on people's wick
# And doesn't laugh at toilet humour
# Blackadder, Blackadder
# He's sickeningly good
# Blackadder, Blackadder
♪ As nice as Christmas pud ♪
(MAN) Humbug! Humbug!
- Humbug, Mr Baldrick?
- Oh, thank you very much.
I've got all the presents.
And I've nearly finished
the Christmas cards.
Splendid, let me see.
"A very messy Christmas." Sorry,
Mr Baldrick, shouldn't that be "merry"?
"A merry messy Christmas"?
All right, but it must be "messy".
Messy cake, soggy pudding,
big wet kisses under the mistletoe.
Yes... I fear, Mr Baldrick,
the only way you'd get a big
wet kiss at Christmas,
or any other time, is to
make a pass at a water closet.
Be that as it may...
"A merry messy Christmas."
"Christmas" has an "H"
in it, Mr Baldrick.
And an "R".
Also an "I" and an "S", also a "T",
an "M", an "A" and another "S".
And you've missed out the "C".
Congratulations,
Mr Baldrick, a triumph.
You're the first to spell Christmas
without getting a single letter right.
I was a bit rushed. I've been helping
out with the workhouse nativity play.
- How did it go?
- Not very well
At the last moment,
the baby playing Jesus d*ed.
Oh, dear, this high infant
mortality rate's a real devil
when it comes to staging
quality children's theatre.
- What did you do?
- Got another Jesus.
Thank goodness. His name?
Spot.
There weren't any more children,
so we had to settle for a dog.
I'm not convinced that Christianity
would've established
its firm grip over
the hearts of mankind
if all Jesus ever said was "Woof!"
It went all right till
the shepherds came on.
We weren't able to get real sheep,
so we stuck some wool...
..on some other dogs.
Yeah, and the moment Jesus
got a whiff of 'em, he's away.
While the angel's singing "Peace
on Earth, goodwill to mankind",
Jesus scampers across and tries to
get a sheep to give him a piggyback.
Scarcely appropriate behaviour
for the son of God, Mr Baldrick.
- Weren't the children upset?
- No, they loved it.
Oh, the playful young scamps, eh?
Still, what a lovely thought it is,
at this moment, all over the country,
from highest to lowest,
through those charming plump folk
somewhere in the middle,
everyone is enjoying Christmas.
("DECK THE HALLS" PLAYS)
("RULE BRITANNIA" PLAYS)
- What are you doing, Albert?
- (GERMAN ACCENT) Nothing.
Oh, yes, you are,
you naughty German sausage!
- Tell me what you're doing.
- Nothing!
When you're busy ruling India,
you don't tell me what you're doing.
Why should I tell you when I am busy
wrapping this cushion for your
surprise Christmas present?
Dem! Now I have only
two surprise presents for you.
Oh, dear Alby, don't
worry, I don't mind.
I do. I love surprises.
Christmas without surprises is like
the nuts without the nutcracker.
Which is why I have brought you
this surprise nutcracker...
Dem! Dem!
Darling Bobo, don't worry. Besides,
haven't you forgotten something?
- What?
- Our traditional Christmas adventure.
Yes, of course, the traditional
Christmas adventure! Huzzah!
What traditional Christmas adventure?
You silly soldier!
When we disguise ourselves as common
folk and go amongst the people
to reward the virtuous and the good.
Yes, of course, Dummkopf,
how could I forget!
Das ist nicht ausgezeichnet!
It is precisely for such an outing
that I have bought you
my final surprise present,
this muff, which I'm going
to give you tomorrow...
Dem! Dem! Dem!
Excellent! What a splendid spread!
Nuts, turkey and presents.
What more could one
desire at Christmas?
Well, a tree.
Of course, I quite forgot.
I dropped in on Mr Thicktwistle's
Garden Emporium
and, I think you'll agree,
got quite a bargain
on this special Christmas twig.
- It's a bit of a tiddler, ain't it?
- Yes, but size isn't important.
It's not what you've got,
it's where you stick it.
Besides, we've got a whole year's
profits to spend on fun and larks.
- How much is it?
- ã and a penny.
It'd be lots more if you didn't
give so much to the poor.
Yes, but in the feeling good
ledger of life, we are rich indeed.
I wish we weren't doing so well
in the short-of-pressies-
gullible-prat ledger.
(KNOCK)
Well, bless my ten toes, who
could that be on this cold night?
Ah, Mrs Scratchit, greetings
on this merry Yuletide Eve.
Oh, Mr Blackadder!
How can I be merry
when we're so poor
we'll have nothing to
eat on Christmas Day,
except what Grandfather can scrape
from under his big toenails?
No goose for Tiny Tom this year!
Mrs Scratchit, Tiny Tom is stone
and built like a brick privy.
If he eats any more heartily,
he will turn into a pie shop.
Dear me! There must be
something we can do.
Ah, that box of matches in your
basket is just the thing I need.
- How much?
- A quid a match.
Mrs Scratchit, I suspect
that to be a lie of sorts.
Oh, but it's Christmas Eve,
so, here, take ã .
So you don't want all the matches,
then? There's of 'em.
You have the body of a weak woman,
but the mind of a criminal genius.
- Here, ã pounds, then.
- Lovely!
And my best wishes to
your massive offspring!
So we had ã and a penny,
and we give Mrs Scratchit
ã , so that leaves...
Yes, come on, Mr Baldrick,
ã and a penny, minus ã leaves...
ã , eight shillings and fourpence.
Not bad, Mr Baldrick. The answer is,
in fact, a splendid shining penny.
Merry Christmas Eve,
Mr Slackbladder...I mean, Blackadder.
And to you, young urchin.
A penny for Christmas cheer,
sucker...I mean, sir.
Erm, well..
Certainly, here.
Going to buy some cake
for your silver-haired mother?
Nah, sod that!
I'm off to the gin shop.
They grow up so fast
these days, bless 'em.
Oh, well, another year without profit.
Still, it is Christmas.
And let us remember, Mr Baldrick,
that be we as stony
as a biblical execution,
it's still the season of good cheer
and we have our Christmas treats.
Nuts, turkey and presents.
(PIERCING CACKLE)
And my goddaughter, Millicent.
Secure the ornaments and let her in.
So we put all our presents
under our little tree.
A scarf for me, a pair of gloves for
Mr Baldrick and a hat for Millicent.
Ah, Millicent, to what do I owe
this excellent pleasure?
I just thought I'd pop round,
you know, on the off chance.
Christmas is a time traditionally
connected with presents.
It is indeed. And look, a lovely
hat for my dear goddaughter.
Oh, thanks. And look! A scarf
and a pair of gloves to match!
That's not bad, I suppose.
(PIERCING CACKLE)
- Jolly good.
- Sorry I can't stop.
I thought I might come back
tomorrow at lunch time.
Splendid idea!
It'll just be little me
and my teensy boyfriend,
so cook two extra turkeys.
Thanks for all the pressies.
Why don't you take the flippin' tree?!
Oh, you are sweet!
Bye!
Bye. My, what a jolly young girl!
Pity she nicked all the presents.
Well, I thought we'd be
quite spoilt enough
with the turkey and this
mountain of nuts we have.
(DOORBELL)
Well, peel my tangerines,
this is a night!
- Back!
- Ah, Beadle.
Charmed, honoured and
lovelied in every possible way.
Get back!
Felicitous compliments
of the gorging season to you, sir.
Peace on Earth and fat tums to all men!
Indeed, indeed! And what of
your little orphan charges?
Well, I don't think I
charges 'em enough, in fact.
Luckily you're here to cover up
the shortfall, Mr Blackadder.
They're looking forward to coming
tomorrow, bringing you a surprise.
Surely not another totally
unexpected rendition of
"God Rest Ye Merry Mr Blackadder"?
Can't say, sir. All I can say
is it's Christmas as usual,
except sadly we've managed to polish
off all our nuts before the big day.
What luck! As fate would have it,
we have some. Help yourselves.
No, sir. I couldn't take them.
- Is this all, is it?
- Yes.
It'll have to do, then.
See you tomorrow. (LAUGHS)
Well, what a jolly fellow!
Looked like a fat git to me.
Well, yes, but you mustn't judge
people from outward appearances.
Strip away the outer
layers of a fat git,
and inside you'll probably find a...
..thin git.
Those orphans were a bit fat, too.
There's some truth there.
When I visit them I
remove all sharp objects
for fear of bursting one of them
and getting showered
in two dozen semi-digested pies.
But as long as they're happy.
At least we've still got our turkey.
And who knows, Christmas
is a time for miracles,
so maybe, if we close
our eyes really tight
and pray to the big pink pixie in the
sky, someone will come and reward us.
- Come on.
- Dear, innocent Mr Baldrick.
(DOORBELL)
- See!
- Well, baste my steaming puddings!
Good evening, sir and madam.
Good evening. We've come to reward
the virtuous this Christmas Eve.
Good heavens!
We have heard many stories
of your kindness and generosity.
Well, one tries.
- So please...
- Yes?
Give us ã for the
virtuous lady next door.
Ah, well, we'd love to oblige,
but we haven't got anything to give.
You must have something. A goose?
Oh, Albert!
We've only got a turkey, see.
That's ideal.
- Aw...
- There's a bit of luck!
Mr Baldrick, fetch the turkey.
Your accent suggests
that you are not from round here.
Ah... Nein .
I am from Glasgow.
Ah, a fine city. I love the Gorbals.
Yes, the Gorbals, I love them, too.
A lovely couple, lots of fun.
Bye-bye, birdy.
- Well done indeed. Good evening.
- Good evening.
If I see Mr and Mrs Gorbal,
I give them your regards.
(MOURNFUL VIOLIN MUSIC)
Oh, dear, Mr Baldrick, it looks
like we're in for a thin Christmas.
Don't worry, I'm hanging my sock up
so Santa will come down the chimney.
If there's one thing that'll stop
Santa coming down the chimney,
it's your sock waiting for him.
If I don't hang it out,
how will Santa fill it?
If you do hang it out,
Santa will be dead before
he gets within yards of it.
- Don't you have any others?
- One.
Don't worry, my dear fellow, take
one of mine from the linen cupboard.
I'm off to bed. There's
nothing else to stay up for.
- Goodnight, Mr Baldrick.
- Night.
Ooh, I forgot to mention,
when you were out there,
there was this enormous ghostly
creature come in saying,
"Beware, for tonight you shall receive
a strange and terrible visitation."
I just thought I'd mention it.
It come through the wall,
said its piece, then sodded off.
- Oh, fine. Goodnight, Mr Baldrick.
- Night night.
(GHOSTLY WAILING)
(ROARS DEMONICALLY)
(CONTINUES ROARING)
Whoo-oo. Whoo-oo.
Whoo-oo. Whoo-oo. Whoo-oo.
Whoo-oo. Whoop!
- Can I help?
- No, thanks. No. No, no.
Just came to say hello.
Spirit of Christmas, how d'you do?
Just doing my usual rounds,
a bit of haunting,
getting misers to change their ways.
But you're such a good chap,
there's no need for any of that.
So I'll just say cheery-bye.
Cheery-bye.
Can I get you some tea or anything?
You wouldn't have anything
a bit more...medicinal?
I see. I've only got some of Nurse
Macready's surgical bruise lotion.
Oh, nothing but the best
at this house, eh?
Huh. Mmm.
Delicious.
(COUGHS)
It's a change from these skinflints.
You know that old fellow
across the road? Bags of money.
He tried to cut his heating bills
by using his John Thomas
as a draught excluder.
Oh, dear, old people today!
Tut!
How do you make them
change their ways?
It's visions these days.
We used to use line drawings,
but the visions are more effective.
- What sort of thing?
- It depends.
Perhaps a glimpse of
their school behaviour
behind the penny-farthing sheds.
Some others, we just show them
how rotten their ancestors were.
With your ancestors, it would have
to be the full one-hour-ten vision,
with a break and ice creams.
- That bad, were they?
- Did nobody tell you?
Stinkers to a man.
Perhaps you'd like to see.
(EERIE MUSIC)
Whoo-oo. Whoo-oo.
(ELIZABETHAN MUSIC)
Go on, my lord. Give it a little
pull You know you want to.
- It'll be ever so exciting.
- Oh, God!
(SQUEAK)
Yes, terrifying.
Look. There's a surprise
present for you inside.
It's a novelty death warrant
and you give it to a friend.
- Oh, just what I've always wanted.
- Got anything for me?
- It's nothing really.
- Oh, sir.
No, it's really nothing.
I haven't got you anything.
I spent all my cash
on this damn thing for the Queen.
She better bloody like it.
She dropped enough hints.
That woman's about as subtle as
a rhinoceros horn up the backside.
Door!
Good morning, Your Majesty.
Christmas again, eh? What joy!
- Don't you just love it?
- No, I hate it.
- In fact, I've just abolished it.
- Sorry?
I'm going to block up the chimneys,
burn all the crackers
and k*ll anyone carrying a present.
Oh!
(LAUGHS)
- What's that, Edmund?
- This?
- It's a window.
- A window?
Yes, but you seem to have one here,
so sorry to disturb you.
Ohh.
Well, so much for that.
Ow!
Ah, Melchett.
Greetings! I trust Christmas
brings you its traditional mix
of good food and violent stomach cramp.
And compliments of the
season to you, Blackadder.
May the Yuletide log
burn your house down.
I'm glad I saw you. I feel
it only fair to warn you
that the Queen has banned Christmas.
So don't get her a present.
I'm indebted to you for that advice
and I shall follow it to the letter.
The day I get my brain
replaced by a cauliflower.
- Ha! Got him with my subtle plan.
- I can't see any subtle plan.
You wouldn't see a subtle plan
if it painted itself purple
and danced naked on a harpsichord
singing "Subtle Plans Are Here Again."
It's a double bluff.
Melchett will do the opposite
of what I tell him,
give the Queen an enormous
present, and then... Qchk!
What? He'll turn into a duck?
Yes.
Pity about this, Tinky Wink.
You used to love this time of year.
I know.
Leaving a mince pie and a glass
of wine out for Father Christmas
and then scoffing it
because I was a princess and
could do what I bloody well liked.
And wondering if your father's wife
would last till Boxing Day
without having her head cut off.
We knew if he gave her a hat
she'd probably be all right.
- Happy days!
- Yes. Maybe I was a little rash.
Ah, boys, welcome back!
But, Melchett, what have
you got under your coat?
Is it a present?
A present, Majesty? But of course!
You're so painfully transparent,
Blackadder.
Am I?
That's fab! I love presents.
For a moment, I took against Christmas,
but now I'm dippy about it again.
In fact, I'd like to marry you.
If you weren't as unattractive
as a giant slug.
Oh, pish, Majesty!
Anyway, to reward you, I'm going
to give you lots of presents.
Fancy a castle?
- Windsor, Majesty?
- Title?
- Duke of Kent?
- Anything else?
A devilish saucy wife would be fun.
- Lady Jane Pottle.
- Oh, yummy!
I think she's Blackadder's girl,
but that doesn't matter, does it, Blacky?
No, of course not, ma'am.
And would Lord Melchett like
to whip me naked through Aberdeen?
- We needn't go that far.
- Oh, too kind.
No, Aylesbury's quite far enough.
Super. Well done, Melchy.
Now, Blackadder, what have you got me?
- Erm...
- I want a pressie!
Give me something nice and shiny.
If you don't, I've got something
nice and shiny for you: an axe!
- Erm, well..
- Right, that's it!
Any last requests before I chop
your block off for the Chrimble tree?
Erm, well, there is one,
actually, ma'am.
You know how I've always been
a great admirer of you both.
I was wondering if I
could have your autographs
to keep me company during
the final tragic, lonely hours.
- Oh, all right.
- Thank you, ma'am.
And Lord Melchett.
Just there. Thank you.
- Oh, dear me!
- What is it?
Why, this piece of paper that
Your Majesty has just signed
turns out to be some
sort of death warrant.
Oops!
And I can't retract it without destroying
the whole basis of the British Constitution.
I fear not.
- Is there a name on it?
- Yes, actually, it says "Lord..."
Oh, I can't read this
terrible childish writing.
"Lord Melchett."
Lord Melchett, that's it.
Ma'am, it's a trick!
You've been tricked.
Oh, good!
Christmas is a time for tricks
and japes and larks of all kinds.
Tell you what, that's so brilliant
I'll execute Melchett instead.
You're very kind, ma'am.
I suppose that means that everything
of Lord Melchett's becomes yours.
I suppose it does.
Merry Christmas, ma'am.
(ELIZABETHAN MUSIC)
Good Lord!
Horrible, eh? What a pig!
Yes, but clearly quite
a clever, charming pig.
But no, as you say,
his behaviour, disgraceful.
You're a great improvement
on them all You're a good boy.
Them? Are there more?
Oh, yes. Have a shufty at this.
(OBOE MUSIC)
Right, Balders.
I'm sick of the Prince Regent
getting all the presents.
So here's the plan: we play
our traditional game of charades,
and when he gets bored
and asks for a story,
you stick the dress and the hat
on and knock on the door.
- Got it?
- Got it.
You certainly will get
it if you mess this up.
Hurrah! Welcome, lads!
This is the stuff, eh?
Christmas sherry and charades
with honest, manly fellows.
What can I do with a girl
I can't do with you, eh?
I cannot conceive, sir.
There's that, of course.
Now, who's first?
I'd ask Horatio,
but he's out of it.
So it's the little monkey
fellow first, is it?
- It is indeed.
- Excellent. I love charades.
OK. Off you go, Baldrick.
- A book.
- Well done.
Didn't think you'd
get it that quickly.
Yes, I must say that was damn clever.
Another great Christmas tradition.
Explaining the rules eight times
to the Thicky Twins.
The round hasn't started yet.
It must be a specific book.
For the Bible, I'd do that
to indicate it has two syllables...
- Two what?
- Two syllables.
"Two silly bulls"? I don't
think so, not in the Bible.
I remember a fatted calf,
but that was a sensible animal.
Ah-ha, yah, is it Noah's Ark?
With the two pigs, two ants
and two silly bulls...
- Two syll-a-bles?
- What?
We're getting confused.
Let's start again.
No, let's not. I think the whole
game's getting a bit syll-a.
How about a Christmas story?
What a good idea.
I'll get rid of the servant, shall I?
There's a limit to how
long roasting chestnuts
can blot out the aroma
of Baldrick's trousers.
Don't forget the dress
and the hat, Baldrick.
- Shall I begin the Christmas story?
- Absolutely.
Provided it's not that depressing one
about the chap born on Christmas Day
who sh**t his mouth off
then comes a cropper with some rum
coves on a hill in Johnny Arab land.
- You mean, Jesus?
- Yes, that's the bloke.
He always spoils the Xmas atmos.
Instead, I shall tell you a story...
Ah! Oh, my God, I've gone blind! Blind!
That's better.
As I was saying, this is a story
about a handsome young prince.
This is more like it. What?
Good-looking, lovely hair perched on his head
like an exceptionally attractive loaf of bread?
- Exactly.
- I can imagine him. Excellent fellow.
It's a tale about him and
a sad, lonely old granny
who's dying of cold on
a cruel Christmas night.
- Not a comedy, then?
- No, sir.
When she thought
that she'd die on Christmas night
and be swept up on Boxing Day morning,
mistaken for a huge
dirty handkerchief...
..then she knocked on the door
of a handsome young prince named George,
who gave her all his massive
collection of Christmas presents,
and she lived happily ever after.
Oh, by Satan's sausage,
Bladder, what a fine tale!
I'm quite moved to tears.
Oh, good.
(DOORBELL)
I wonder who that could be.
On a cold, dark, cruel
Christmas night, tricky one.
Could be a robin.
Why, rather coincidentally, it is
a sad, lonely old granny dying of cold.
Shall l fling her out saying
there's no room in our Christmas
for a sad, virtuous, silver-haired
old elderly angel like her?
No, Blackadder, you
swine, bring her in!
- The trolley's a nice touch.
- Take all you want.
You've found Georgy-Porgy,
a handsome prince.
Thank you, sir.
Shall I make sure she
doesn't steal the silver?
- No, no. Tell her to take it.
- You're very generous, sir.
Excellent, excellent,
Baldrick, a triumph.
Baldrick? Baldrick!
Sorry, Mr B. I was just showing
a sweet old granny to the door.
- Are we ready yet, sir?
- What?
I answered the door and it was this
sweet granny collecting for charity.
- So I let her in.
- Ahh.
Something wrong, Mr B?
No. I shouldn't have trusted a man
with the mental agility
of a rabbit dropping.
- Sorry, Mr B.
- It's all right.
It's not your fault.
Still, I fear for a
frail, elderly woman
laden with valuables, travelling
the inadequately-lit London streets.
- Yes, she's not safe, sir.
- Well, not from me, certainly.
- Very amusing!
- In what way?
The wigs. Very amusing wigs. But
his behaviour, as you say, disgraceful.
But... But he actually got the presents.
Y... Y... Yes.
So there is something
to be made out of being bad.
Technically, yes.
But that's not the point, is it?
It's the soul, the soul.
As a matter of interest, what would
happen in the future if I was bad?
Erm... Is that the time? I must be off.
I'd love to see Christmas Future.
No, no, no, it's terribly melodramatic.
Look, just show it, please.
All right. Whoo-oo.
(SYNTHESIZER MUSIC)
(ALL) Hail, Queen Asphyxia,
Supreme Mistress of the Universe.
And hail to you, my triple husbandoid.
I summon you here to groupgreet
our swift Imperial Navies home.
Approach, Grand Admiral
of the Dark Segment
and Lord of the High-slung
Bottoms of Zob.
Morning.
To you, Blackadder, Thrice-endowed
Supreme Donkey of the Trouserpod,
this much greeting.
I, too, Bold Navigator,
cringe my dribblies
at your resplendent pofflesnood.
That won't be necessary, thank you.
Approach, your sl*ve, Baldrick.
(SYNTHESIZER FANFARE)
For God's sake, if you're going
to wear that ridiculous jockstrap,
at least keep your legs together.
Wilco, skipper.
Majesties, I give you this much greeting.
- What news of the foul Marmidons?
- Scattered to the Nine Vectors.
And the Sheepsqueezers of Splatikon Five?
Have they been suckcreamed
as a quanbeast's nubole?
They're dead, if that's what you mean.
Commander, did you vanquish
the Nibblepibblies?
No, my Lord Pigmot, I did not
vanquish the Nibblepibblies,
because you just made them up.
Damn it!
Excellent, Commander.
You have most pleasantly
wibbled my frussetpouch.
Bring forth the gift
with which you honour me.
Majesties, from a place
where the stars begin and end,
I bring you this.
Oh, lovely, an ashtray.
Come, Majesty, he wastes our time.
I yearn to attend " , years of
the Two Ronnoids" on the box podule.
- Send him to the sprouting chamber!
- No, wait!
- What is it, Commander?
- I'll show you, shall I?
Now, Your Majesty,
I must respectfully insist
that you hand over to me
the Supreme Command of the Universe,
sew a button on my spare uniform,
and marry me this afternoon.
I thought you'd never ask.
Ha, ha. So let's get this straight.
If I was bad, my descendants
would rule the entire universe.
Maybe, maybe.
But would you be happy?
Being Ruler of the Universe
isn't so great.
The long hours,
having to wave at people,
you're no longer your own boss.
So what if I stayed good?
What then does the future hold?
I must put my foot down here.
I've got four hauntings
and a scare-the-bugger-to-death to do.
- Whoo-oo.
- No, no.
(ALL) Hail, Queen Asphyxia,
Supreme Mistress of the Universe.
And hail to you,
my triple husbandoid.
I summon you here to groupgreet
our swift Imperial Navies home.
Approach, Grand Admiral
of the Dark Segment
and Lord of the High-slung
Bottoms of Zob.
- Hail.
- And your sl*ve.
(SYNTHESIZER FANFARE)
- What's his name?
- I can't remember, Your Majesty.
No matter, Supreme Marshal
of the Smells,
what news of the foul Marmidons?
- Good news...
- Excellent!
..for the Marmidons.
They wiped out our entire army.
Sorry, I got confused
and dropped a b*mb on our lot.
Silence, squidling.
Bring forth the gift
with which you honour me.
Oh, damn! I forgot the bloody present.
So one way, it's glory everlasting,
the other, it's wearing
Baldrick's posing pouch.
Simplistic, but it points
to a clear lesson.
- Namely?
- Namely...
..the rewards of virtue are largely
spiritual, but all the better for it.
Doesn't it point to the clear lesson
that bad guys have all the fun?
Absolutely not. The rewards of virtue
are infinitely more attractive.
Picture it.
Quiet evenings in your hovel, alone.
A Bible. Your own turnip!
Oh, well, that makes all the difference!
- So you're going to be a good boy?
- Absolutely.
Would I lie to you?
Whoo-oo, whoo-oo.
Whoo-oo, whoo-oo.
(CHURCH BELLS)
(BALDRICK) Mr Blackadder.
Looks like Father Christmas
just forgot about me this year.
Dear me, but don't be too unhappy,
because if you look very carefully,
there's something in
this stocking from me.
It's something I made for you.
That's the kind of pressie
that shows the most love.
What is it, Mr B?
I've made you...a fist.
Yes, it's for hitting.
What's wonderful about it
is that you can use it again...
..and again...
..and again.
- Well, what do you say?
- Thank you, Mr B.
Think nothing of it.
I, after all, think nothing of you.
(BOY) Oi! Git face!
Penny for the season?
Hark, do I hear the voice of a
darling little cherub at the window?
(CHILD SCREAMS, THUD)
No, I must have imagined it.
(DOORBELL)
Shall I get that?
No, leave them in the snow
until I get dressed.
I'll only be about minutes.
(SINISTER JANGLING MUSIC)
Door.
Compliments of the season, sir.
We've come to sing merrily and give
you a small pudding. Three, four...
# God bless Mr B at Christmas time
And baby Jesus, too
# If we were little pigs we'd sing
Piggy Wiggy Wiggy Wiggy Woo
# Piggy Wiggy Wiggy Wiggy Wiggy
Wiggy Wiggy Wiggy Wiggy Wiggy Woo
# Oh, Piggy Wiggy Wiggy Woo
Piggy Wiggy Woo
♪ Oh, Piggy Wiggy Wiggy
Wiggy Wiggy Wiggy Woo ♪
- Utter crap.
- Thank you very much, sir.
- Do we get a Christmas treat?
- Indeed you do.
- What?
- A door in the face.
Here you are.
Mr B, you can't send them out into
the world with only a small pudding.
How right you are, Baldrick. Door.
Thank you.
- You know what I'm hoping?
- What?
I'm hoping that this is
all a merry Christmas jape,
and you're going to go
"Yo ho ho" and give me a mince pie.
Close your eyes, Baldrick.
Open your mouth.
Yo, ho, ho.
(DOORBELL)
- Cooee.
- Ah.
My dear Millicent,
come for her dinner.
And she seems to have brought
the fish course with her.
Who, my dear, is the huge
halibut in the trousers?
I think it's me.
- This is Ralph, he's my fiancé.
- We're in love.
Oh, dear.
Ill-conceived love, I should warn you,
is like a Christmas cr*cker.
One massively disappointing bang
and the novelty soon wears off.
Shut up.
Oh, Mr Blackadder, what's happened?
You've changed from
the nicest man in England
into the horridest man in the world.
I was thinking the same thing myself.
When spoken to.
I would explain,
but I fear you wouldn't understand,
being blessed with a head
emptier than a hermit's address book.
As for you, can you keep my goddaughter
in the manner to which she is accustomed?
Oh, yes, absolutely.
Oh, splendid!
Congratulations. Good day.
Out!
Baldrick, I want you to take this
and buy a turkey so large
you'd think its mother
had been rogered by an omnibus.
I'm going to have a party,
and no one's invited but me.
- Cooee!
- No peace for the wicked.
Mr Ebenezer, I was wondering if you
had perhaps a little present for me.
Or had found me a little fowl
for Tiny Tom's Christmas.
I have always found you foul,
Mrs Scratchit, and more than a little.
As for Tiny Tom's Christmas,
he can stuff it up his enormous
muscular backside.
- But he's a cr*pple.
- He's not.
Occasionally saying, "Phew, my leg hurts"
when he remembers to wouldn't fool Baldrick.
It did, actually.
However, if you want
something for lunch, take this.
It's a pound a lump and, as luck
would have it, there are lumps.
- Thank you.
- What about my Tiny Tom?
If I was you I'd scoop him out
and use him as a houseboat. Good day.
Mr B, where's the milk of human kindness?
It's gone off, Baldrick. It stinks.
(DOORBELL)
Whoever that is,
slam the door in their faces,
otherwise I'll slam
your face in the door.
Hello, small dwarf fellow.
Is this the house of
the great philanthropist
and all-round softy
Ebenezer Blackadder?
- Well, Mr Blackadder lives here.
- Ah, das ist gut.
Because we have a wunderbar secret.
What secret?
If I told you we're going to give him
an enormous fortune for being so generous,
then it would no longer be a secret.
Dem, I'm so stupid! Dem!
- What would no longer be a secret?
- We are Queen Victoria.
What? All three of you?
My dear little hobgoblin,
here is our Royal Seal.
We have come
to present your master with ã ,
and the title of Baron Blackadder
for being the kindest man in England.
Lumme, Your Majesty.
Baldrick, what did I tell you I'd do if you didn't
slam the door on these scrounging loafers?
But, Mr Blackadder... Ow!
I'm not at home to guests.
("WE WISH YOU A MERRY
CHRISTMAS" PLAYS)
I flatter myself we are
rather special guests, sir.
Of course, I must apologise.
One rarely receives a Christmas visit
from two such distinguished guests.
Ah, so you recognise us at last.
Yes, unless I'm mistaken,
you're the winner
of the Round Britain Shortest,
Fattest, Dumpiest Woman Competition.
And to be accompanied
by the winner of this year's
Stupidest Accent Award
is really quite overwhelming.
- I cannot believe...
- Cork it, fatso.
This is the Victorian age, where,
apart from Queen Piglet
Features herself,
women and children are
to be seen and not heard.
Queen Piglet Features!
Yes! Empress Oink, as lads call her.
The only person in the kingdom
who looks dafter than her
is that stupid frankfurter
of a husband.
The Pig and the Prig we call them.
How they ever managed to produce
their children is beyond me.
The bedchambers of Buckingham Palace
must be copiously supplied
with blindfolds.
Sir, we've never been
so insulted in our lives!
Well, all I can say is,
you've been damned lucky.
Ah, Baldrick, this is
excellent, excellent.
All the riff-raff and
the spongers dealt with
and gargantuan quantities
of tuck to be gobbled.
Here, have a wishbone.
What do you wish?
I wish there was some meat on this.
Those last two were
particularly satisfying.
It felt like having a go at the
real Queen and Prince Albert.
It was the real Queen and Prince Albert.
Don't be ludicrous, Baldrick.
What would the Queen be doing here?
She come to visit you to reward you
for being the nicest man in England
by giving you ã ,
and the title of Baron Blackadder.
It couldn't have been the Queen
because when she visits people,
she leaves her Royal Seal.
- What? Like this one?
- Yes, just like that...
(CHOIR SINGS)
# Blackadder, Blackadder
# Dee dum, dee dum, dee dum
# Blackadder, Blackadder
# Dee rum, ti tum, ti tum
# Blackadder, Blackadder
♪ Dee rum, ti tum, ti tum ♪