Well, isn't this splendid
and absolutely tufty?
New Year's Eve, .
A new century and a new millennium.
Let's drink a great big slurpy toast
to peace and understanding
around the globe.
- Bravo!
- Cheers!
After all, if history
teaches us anything,
it is that, in the words of St Burt,
"What the world needs now is love,
sweet love."
- Hear, hear.
- What total codswallop.
If history has taught us anything,
it is that the story of man
is one long round of death and t*rture.
And burning people as witches
just because they've got a wart.
I'm sorry about the food, by the way.
Unfortunately, my cook got invited
to an orgy at Delia Smith's house.
And so our chef for this evening is
the man who cleans out the septic t*nk.
Baldrick!
- My lord.
- God save us.
I trust you're all enjoying your food?
No, we're not, actually, Baldrick.
What is this we're eating?
It tastes as if someone
with a bad chest cold
has taken two spoonfuls of Benylin
to loosen the phlegm
and then coughed all over an avocado.
(COUGHS) Well, funny you should
say that, sir, because...
Yes, all right, Baldrick, yes.
Thank you. You may go now.
I believe you've got
some other duties to attend to.
Oh, yes. Excuse me, please, everybody.
(DOOR CLOSES)
Now, where were we?
We were bally well toasting the future.
Yes, and I suppose it might also be
a perfect time to look to the past.
ELIZABETH: How on earth
can one look at the past?
You can't see something
that's already happened.
- Unless you're on the lavatory.
- (EXCLAIMS) Good point, Bishop.
Yes, or unless one's got a time machine.
(ALL LAUGHING)
(SCOFFING) How likely is that?
Well, very likely, actually, Darling.
Because I've just built one.
Stuff and stonsence!
I've heard some rubbish in my time,
every time I open my mouth,
as a matter of fact,
but a time machine?
(STUTTERING) It's just cobblers.
I can assure you, it is not.
This is an original sketchbook
by Leonardo da Vinci.
And in the last year, I myself
have built a time machine
to his exact specifications.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the greatest breakthrough in travel
since Mr Rodney Tricycle
thought to himself,
"I'm bored with walking.
"I think I'll invent a machine
with three wheels and a bell
"and name it after myself."
Behold the time machine.
Well, glaze my nipples and call me Rita.
It can't be real, Blackadder,
it's a practical joke, surely.
Certainly not. When was the last time
I played a practical joke?
Well, there was the time you said
you were dying of kidney failure.
And I donated one of my kidneys
to save your life,
and then you said it was an April fool
and we had to throw my kidney away.
(LAUGHING)
Well, yes, there has been
the odd hilarious practical joke.
But not this time.
This is a working time machine.
And to prove it, I suggest a wager.
Oh.
I will bet you each ã ,
that I can travel through time
and bring back any items
of historical interest
which you choose to nominate.
- Darling?
- Well, yes, all right.
Yes, if you can travel through time,
I'll... I'll pay up.
So long as you bring back with you
a genuine Roman centurion's helmet.
(EXCLAIMING IN AGREEMENT)
Very well, a Roman centurion's helmet.
ELIZABETH: No, no, no,
it's much too easy.
What about the actual Wellingtons
actually worn by Wellington on the day
he won the Battle of Waterloo?
Lady Elizabeth would like
the actual Wellingtons
worn by the Duke of Wellington
on the day he won
the Battle of Waterloo.
- Anyone else?
- GEORGE: Oh, yes.
Ah, yes, I've got one.
I want you to get...
I'd like to see you
get your hands on these.
...an ancient, reeking, stinking pair
of -year-old underpants.
th-century botty-huggers,
that's the ticket.
Very well, I shall be on my way.
This will, of course,
take no time at all, in your time.
I shall merely step in,
there will be a momentary shuddering,
then I will emerge triumphant.
Farewell, dear friends.
(CREAKING)
(THUDDING)
Well done, Balders,
this is very impressive.
I'm sorry that I didn't have time
to build it myself.
(WHISPERING) Don't worry, my lord,
I've followed Mr da Vinci's
instructions to the letter.
- Even though you can't actually read?
- That's right, my lord.
But I have done a lot of
Airfix models in my time.
Right. So we've got a centurion's
helmet. Very good.
And the boots. Excellent.
The underpants.
Where are the underpants?
Oh! Here you are, my lord.
They're my very best pair,
and coincidentally, also my very worst.
So they are, in fact,
your only pair of underpants.
That's right, my lord.
(EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST)
Just stick them in the bag. Oh, God!
(SPLUTTERING) Strewth!
Right. Let's just get
all this stuff going, shall we?
Right, my lord. Ah, yes.
Right, right. Just shake it about a bit.
Make it look real.
The best New Year's Eve prank ever.
Yes.
(FLUSHING)
You hide there. ã , , here I come.
(THUNDER CRASHING)
Right. Interesting.
- What's happening, my lord?
- Well...
For God's sake, do something, Baldrick.
(SCREAMING)
Something useful.
Come on, get something.
Just throw... Shoo! Go on! Go away!
(GRUNTING)
(ROARING)
Sod off!
(YELLING)
One more thing. The underpants.
Try the underpants.
Just there.
Oh! Bloody brontosaurus!
- Him, not me!
- What?
Sniff my skids!
(SNIFFING)
(ROARING)
Fascinating.
One of history's great mysteries solved.
The dinosaurs were, in fact,
wiped out by your pants.
Well, Balders, this is a turn-up
for the books.
You have built a working time machine,
and are, therefore, rather surprisingly,
the greatest genius who has ever lived.
Thank you very much, my lord.
- Right. Let's get out of here, shall we?
- No problem, my lord.
(CRANKING)
Can you set the date
so we can get home?
Yes. I just turn that there,
pull that there, reset that there,
pull this lever like that
and the date should come up.
(WHIRRING)
But unfortunately, it doesn't,
'cause I was gonna write the numbers on
in felt-tip pen
- but I never got round to it.
- Right.
So the date we're heading for is
two watermelons and a bunch of cherries.
That's right, my lord.
BLACKADDER: In other words,
we can't get home.
BALDRICK: Not as such.
BLACKADDER: Excellent.
Rather a spectacular return to form
after the genius moment, Baldrick.
Still, I think someone with common sense
ought to be able to resolve this.
All we've got to do is put these
controls back to where they were
when we first set off.
I think that was about there.
And these were here and here.
There. And that should get us home.
(DINGING)
Excellent. You threw away
our winning items, Baldrick,
but at least we're home.
Typical. They must have got bored
and gone back for pudding. Oh, dear.
(HUMMING)
Right. Now, you're not
going to believe...
Ah! Lord Blackadder.
Uh...
Elizabeth I?
You're wearing very weird clothes.
And you're looking
rather old and ugly, actually.
- Is that right?
- Of course it's right. I'm always right.
Of course it's right.
- Melchy?
- Ma'am.
Edmund is being very cheeky.
Shall I laugh at him
or chop his ugly head off?
Well, one hates to be harsh, ma'am,
but I do think
a bit of choppy-choppy
is the only apt reaction.
Very well. k*ll him!
(GRUNTING)
Unless, of course, Eddie,
you've got a present for me?
- Oh. A present?
- Mmm.
Uh, yes, certainly, Your Majesty.
A present. Erm...
- Quickly. Getting bored now.
- Ah, yes. Now...
- Now, these may not look much.
- They don't.
No, but, erm, well...
Well, let's say... Let's say...
Let's say that there was a place
where you could buy
absolutely everything.
(LAUGHING) We already have those,
Blackadder, and they're called markets.
Right. Right.
Well, imagine that, but times .
As it were, a supermarket.
Now, if you gave someone at
one of these supermarkets this,
he would give you some bonus points.
Which would mean that once a month
you could buy a tin of baked beans
at half the normal price.
k*ll him.
No. No! There must be... Oh!
Oh! What are they?
Oh, they're just sort of sweets.
Minty things.
- I want one.
- Yes, Your Majesty.
Oh, it's got a hole in it.
- No, they're meant to be like that.
- Oh.
That's how they're made.
(SPLUTTERING)
(BREATHING RAPIDLY)
Oh! Blacky, you are so naughty.
It's the tastiest thing
in the history of the world.
Try one, Melchy. What do you think?
(CHUCKLING) Yes, indeed, ma'am.
They're most pleasant.
This is incredible,
'cause, do you know, Smelchy,
the way you usually smell so bad,
it's like you've eaten a whole stoat
for your breakfast?
Well, I am aware I have a less than
orthodox mouthal odour, ma'am, yes.
Yes, well, you don't smell
like that any more.
You smell absolutely yummy now,
and not at all like a turd.
Oh, what a pity.
Well done, Blacky. Here, take this.
You sexy flirt.
Thank you, ma'am.
Now, go forth and bring back
lots more minty things
in the next five minutes,
or I'll come after you
and crush your skull like an egg.
Certainly, Your Majesty.
I'll be right back.
Thank you very much. Thank you.
(GRUNTING)
Oh, I'm... I'm so sorry. I am sorry.
- Wait a minute. You're not...
- Will Shakespeare, yes.
No, don't say it, I know. You hated
Two Gentlemen of Verona.
This one's much better.
Well, bugger my giddy aunt!
You couldn't just sign something for me,
could you?
Well, certainly.
Sorry, it's just a biro.
- Thank you. Oh, and just one more thing.
- Yes.
That is for every schoolboy and
schoolgirl for the next years.
Have you any idea how much suffering
you are going to cause?
Hours spent at school desks
trying to find one joke in
A Midsummer Night's Dream?
Years wearing stupid tights
in school plays
and saying things like,
"What ho, my lord?"
And, "Oh, look, here comes Othello,
talking total crap as usual."
- Oh, and...
- Ow!
That is for Ken Branagh's endless uncut
four-hour version of Hamlet.
Who's Ken Branagh?
I'll tell him you said that.
And I think he'll be very hurt.
- Right. Let's get out of here, Balders.
- Certainly, my lord.
By the way, if we're lucky enough
to get out of this alive...
- Yes, my lord?
- ...remind me to k*ll you, will you?
All right, my lord.
Now, it was down here
when we were at the dinosaurs.
It's in the middle now.
So why don't we try it here?
(CRANKING)
BLACKADDER: That should do the trick.
Yes, I suspect that's
a little too far forward.
(ZAPPING)
Back, back, back!
(WHIRRING)
Oh, God, where are we now?
Oh, dear. You think it's safe?
I don't know.
Does this look like a dangerous place
to you, Baldrick? This empty wood?
Well, well, what have we here,
my tough band of freedom fighters
who have good muscle tone
and aren't gay?
Oh, God.
(EXCLAIMS)
(EXCLAIMS)
(LAUGHING)
Look, lads,
we've captured Lord Blackadder.
(ALL CHEERING)
Wait a minute. Are you Robin Hood?
(LAUGHING)
Am I Robin Hood?
Is Will Scarlet a poof in tights?
Is Friar Tuck a fat tub of lard
with a ridiculous haircut?
Is Maid Marian a hot little honey with
thighs like two halves of a nutcracker?
- Yes, I am.
- Woof!
Woof!
(MEN CHEERING)
- Woof!
- MEN: Woof!
Oh, yes, it's nice to meet you at last.
Because there's one question
I've always wanted to ask you.
Fire away. One final question before
I impale you with my magnificent w*apon.
And I'm not talking about my enormous...
Yes, yes, yes, I know you're not.
- Oh right, sorry.
- What puzzles me is this.
- You rob from the rich...
- MEN: Yes!
- That's right, yeah.
- And then,
when you rob the rich,
you give it all to the poor.
- MEN: Yes!
- I love giving it to the poor.
- Woof!
- ALL: Woof!
Now, that's the bit I don't understand.
You men risk your lives in combat.
MEN: Yes!
You risk certain death if you're caught.
MEN: Yes.
You live here in this forest
in total squalor.
I mean, I'd hate to think what the
toilet facilities are like round here.
(MURMURING)
MAN: Not very nice, actually.
And yet you still give
every single penny
to these so-called poor,
who just sit on their backsides all day?
- All right, shut up, now.
- Laughing at you, saying,
"Oh, no need to go to work today.
"Robin Hood and his merry men
will be along in a minute
with a big pile of cash."
- I said shut up!
I'm surprised they don't call you
Robin Hood and his bunch
of complete lunatics.
Right! That is it. sh**t him, boys!
I'm great and he's not.
Robin Hood and his band of merry morons.
Ready! Aim!
Fire!
(GRUNTING)
(GASPS)
Can I say that I think you've
made the right decision?
So do I, gorgeous.
Ding dong!
Well, Maid Marian was pretty friendly.
So was Will Scarlet. Really nice guy.
So, the sooner we get home, the better.
We've started to affect history
and that's dangerous.
We've already wiped out the dinosaurs
and k*lled Robin Hood.
God only knows
what's going to happen next time.
(CANONS f*ring)
(IN FRENCH ACCENT) My Lord Emperor,
I, the Duc de Darling, bring news.
The English have reached Waterloo.
- Good. Prepare to att*ck.
- Very well.
But first, I would like to ask,
why do we want to inv*de Britain
in the first place?
I mean, their wine is made
of the pee-pee of cows
and their women all have big beards.
We inv*de, Darling, because
the British think they're so tough.
They think we French are sissies.
They call us weeds and woopsies
and big girls' blouses.
With respect, my emperor,
we are woopsies.
We invented the tapestry,
the soufflé and the sweet liqueur.
We will be slaughtered
the minute we mince up the hill.
Do not despair.
It is my firm belief
that God hates the British.
He will intervene miraculously
and send us a glorious victory
on this field of Waterloo.
Oh, bravo!
- A lovely uniform today, by the way.
- Oh, thank you. I think it works.
(expl*si*n)
- ALL: Ooh!
Your Grace, the French
are approaching.
Excellent. I have a superb
plan which cannot fail
but result in the complete
destruction of the French army.
Oh, splendid.
Well, tell me at once, Your Grace,
and I'll spread the
news to the troops.
Very well, the plan is...
God, I'm brilliant.
You know, I surprise myself
sometimes, I really do.
- Yeah.
- The plan is
to allow the French to come
within yards of us and then,
and this is the completely
original and brilliant part...
- Yes?
- Then...
Your Grace!
- The Duke of Wellington is dead.
- Whoops!
Alas! Alas! Without the plan,
the day is lost.
Pardon me.
Thanks very much.
May as well
try and win that cash anyway.
Why don't we try pressing this button?
(SQUEAKING)
Well, fingers crossed.
(THUDDING)
- What can you see, Balders?
- People in very short skirts, my lord.
Ah, excellent, the s.
At last we're getting close.
I might stay a while, actually,
for a bit of hippie free love.
Not that free love would make a lot
of difference to you, would it, Balders?
I mean, what would a sheep do
with money?
Not girls in skirts, my lord, men.
Ah! Spandau Ballet, .
I think not, my lord.
What?
Romans! We're still centuries out.
Come on, let's go.
Although I might just steal myself
a Roman helmet while we're here.
That's interesting.
The machine seems to be
seeking out our DNA across time.
- Just brilliant.
- What, O centurion?
We're facing a horde of ginger maniacs
with wild goats nesting
in their huge orange beards,
or to put it another way, the Scots,
and how does our inspired leader Hadrian
intend to keep out
this vast army of lunatics?
By building a three-foot-high wall.
A terrifying obstacle.
About as frightening as a little rabbit
with the word "boo"
- painted on its nose.
- Ooh!
Oh, come now, centurion,
I won't have that.
This wall is a terrific
defence mechanism.
Why, surely you're not suggesting
that a rabble of Scots
could get the better of Roman soldiers?
(SPEAKING LATIN)
- Welcome, General.
- Splendid.
Ah, good to see you practising
your English, Georgius.
(SPEAKING LATIN)
- Did you hear that, Balders?
- I certainly did, O centurion.
Back to Rome at last.
(EXCLAIMS)
Say, this is interesting.
There appears to be a large
orange hedge moving towards us.
That's not a hedge, Consul.
That's the Scots.
(YELLING)
Ah.
(SPEAKING LATIN)
- Should we run, my lord?
- Yes.
(YELLING)
Perhaps we could negotiate.
Last one there gets hacked to pieces by
Rod Stewart's great-great-grandfather.
- Let's get home, Baldrick.
- But we don't know where home is.
We're doomed to float
through time for all time!
Oh, woe is me!
Shut up, Baldrick, shut up.
There is one final thing to push
which may be our salvation.
Or not.
- Because it is, in fact, a lollipop.
- Raspberry-flavoured, my lord.
Oh, God.
I'm gonna spend the rest of my life
in a small wooden room with two toilets
and the stupidest man in the world.
Right, my lord. Do not despair,
for I have a cunning plan.
Can I say I'm not optimistic, Baldrick?
To be quite frank, my lord,
neither am I.
My family have never been
very good at plans.
So, with suitably low expectations,
what is your cunning plan
to get us home?
Well, my lord, you know how
when people drown,
their whole life flashes
in front of them?
Yes?
Well, if you stuck your head
in a bucket of water
and didn't bring it out again,
then your whole life
would flash in front of you,
and you'd see where all the knobs
and levers were when we first set off.
And then, if you pulled
your head out again
just before you d*ed,
you could guide us home.
- Baldrick...
- My lord?
Good plan.
With perhaps just one
tiny modification.
Hmm?
Ooh!
(GASPS)
- How's it going?
- I'm years old.
- I've just left nursery school.
- Okey-dokey.
I'm , I'm back at nursery school.
- Got it!
- Very good.
I wish...
I wish I'd flushed the loo first.
Oh, yeah.
As we approach the end, my lord,
what do you think we've learnt
on our great journey?
Good question, Baldrick.
I suppose I've learnt that I must
buy you a much stronger mouthwash
for Christmas this year.
How about you?
Oh, I don't know.
I suppose I've learnt that human
beings have always been the same.
Some nice, some nasty.
Some clever, some stupid.
There's always a Blackadder
and there's always a Baldrick.
Yes, very profound, Baldrick.
- Also, it occurs to me...
- Oh, God, there's not more, is there?
...if you're in the right place
at the right time,
then every person
has the power to go out
and change the world for the better.
God, you really are
as thick as clotted cream
that's been left out by some clot
until the clots are so clotted up
you couldn't unclot them
with an electric declotter.
Aren't you, Baldrick?
Real change comes from
huge socio-economic things
that individuals have no effect on.
Unless you're King or
Prime Minister or something.
Well, yes, I suppose
they can make a difference.
But for the rest of us,
all we can do in life
is to try to make a bit of cash.
(THUDDING)
Which is what I intend
to do right now.
GEORGE: Hang on.
(ELIZABETH GASPING)
MELCHETT: Did you see...
Good Lord, Blackadder,
what happened there?
Yes, everything went
sort of squiggly.
I have, in fact,
returned from the past.
Oh, please! Surely you don't expect
us to believe that, Blackadder?
Clearly, that was all some sort
of cheap conjuring trick.
On the contrary, Darling.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Well, bravo, with
big brass bells on.
And as a little bonus, the crown
of Queen Elizabeth I of England.
Oh, fun!
- It fits!
- MELCHETT: Well done, Blackadder.
But tell me, all this stuff about
changing history with time travel,
you must have had to be
damnsome careful.
Oh, I was. Very careful.
So, Blackadder, tell us,
did you hang out
with any, you know, big-time celebs?
- Well, yes, actually.
For example, this belonged
to none other than Robin Hood.
- Who?
- Robin Hood.
Never heard of him. You'll have to
do better than that, Blackadder.
Right. So you've never heard
of Robin Hood?
ALL: No.
Well, this is the title page for Macbeth
signed by Shakespeare himself.
Oh, no, no, no, no, come on,
you've heard of Shakespeare.
He is the fellow
who invented the ballpoint pen.
Well, I might have had an effect
on one or two things.
But nothing important.
Well, never mind, Blackadder.
You've certainly won your bet.
So, here's your , francs,
and jolly well deserved, too.
What do you mean, francs?
What do you mean,
"What do I mean, francs?"
Well, surely you mean ã , .
(ALL LAUGHING)
Pounds? We haven't used those
for years.
Not since the Emperor Napoleon
won the Battle of Waterloo.
Which reminds me, it's time for us
to get to the television.
Monsieur le Président
will be broadcasting
from Versailles at any moment.
Are you coming?
Uh, no, I might just go on
one final little trip.
Oh, no, don't go. You haven't had a
bite of the delicious garlic pudding.
After which I'm going to do
un petit peu de ballet.
(SINGING LA MARSEILLAISE)
Right, that's it.
Come on, Balders,
we've got to save Britain.
(THUDDING)
I thought I'd just drop in to wish
you good luck with the battle.
You can't lose. Hello, Darling.
There's one question
I've always wanted to ask you.
- Yes?
- How come you're so great?
(CHUCKLES) Because I'm me.
- I'm a very big fan, Bill.
- Thank you.
Keep up the good work.
"King Lear." Very funny.
MELCHETT: Good Lord, Blackadder!
What happened there?
Oh, bravo!
And here, a front page of Macbeth
signed by Shakespeare himself.
ALL: Oh, my God!
That's better.
MELCHETT: Well done, Blackadder.
But what about all this stuff about
changing history through time travel?
You must have had to be
damnsome careful.
Oh, I was. Very, very careful.
Hmm. Intriguing thought,
actually, isn't it?
You know, the smallest thing
can change history.
Imagine if Wellington had d*ed
before the Battle of Waterloo,
we'd all be French.
Or if someone hadn't invented
deodorant, we'd all be smelly.
The tiniest thing can affect
the course of human history.
Think what turmoil an
unscrupulous person could wreak.
Yes.
(CHUCKLES)
Could you excuse me
for just five seconds?
Yeah, absolutely.
Why don't you just go upstairs
and watch television?
I'll be back very, very soon.
Ah, splendid.
But do hurry, Blackadder.
I don't want to miss
the big shindig at midnight.
Don't worry. I'll be back.
Baldrick, I have a very,
very, very cunning plan.
Is it as cunning as a fox
what used to be Professor of Cunning
at Oxford University,
but has moved on and is
now working for the UN
at the High Commission
of International Cunning Planning?
- Yes, it is.
- Hmm.
That's cunning.
Right. Here goes.
FEMALE REPORTER: And now,
excitement is reaching fever pitch
as the final guests of honour
arrive at the Dome.
Many of the crowds have been here for
up to hours waiting for this moment,
but I'm sure they
won't be disappointed,
as the great car sweeps into view.
Because here, at last,
is the King himself.
King Edmund III. Universally loved.
% approval rating across the country.
With him, his gorgeous new bride,
Queen Marian of Sherwood,
the nation's most famous beauty,
beloved by all.
And here to greet them
is the Prime Minister.
Unmarried, of course, but now
entering his fifth term of office.
The relationship between
the King and his first minister
particularly close nowadays,
since the dissolution of
Parliament two years ago.
And what a great partnership
these two have become,
leading Britain magnificently
into a prosperous and
triumphant new millennium.
(MAN SINGING)