01x01 - Best Friends

[bunniefuu]

"Who was the first president
of the United States?"

- Oprah!
- George Washington.

ding

"What is the capital of Alaska?"

- New York!
- Juneau.

ding

"How many sides
are on a triangle?"

- Eight! No, four! No, eight!
- 'Three.'

"Name an ingredient in
spaghetti and meatballs."

- Oranges!
- Meatballs.

You've just won
a million dollars!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

How is it that that dummy
won a million dollars

and I've never won anything?

Oh, I'm sure
it's just a matter of time.

It'd better be, because
I don't wanna end up

a bitter, jealous person.

Say, I should go on a game show!

What game show
are you qualified for?

Uh, "Wheel of Words?"

You don't know how to spell.

How about "Price is Correct?"

How much do you think
this pack of gum sells for?

- Thirty-three thousand dollars?
- Good luck with that.

Stay tuned for
the new game show "Besties"

'where knowing
all about your best friend'

'leads to big prizes.'

[gasps]
We should go on that.

We've been best friends forever.

We know everything there is
to know about each other.

I never thought I would say this

but that's not a bad idea,
Daffy Duck.

Why, thank you, Bugs..

Uh..

I wanna say,
uh... Bada-Blingya?

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

I did it! I got us on tomorrow's
episode of "Besties!"

How'd you manage that?

There are some things
you shouldn't know about me.

But you better know
everything else!

I'm more concerned with
how little you know about me.

I know everything about you.

Hit me with some questions.
Go ahead.

Alright.
What's my favorite color?

Pass.

What time do I go
to bed at night?

Pass.
Give me something easy.

Fine.
When's my birthday?

Janu..

Febru..

Septem..

December..

Jul..

July! July 1st?

July 2nd? July 3rd?

July 4th?

Fifth! Sixth! Seventh!
Eighth! Ninth! Tenth!

- 27th.
- July 27th!

chomp

Well, happy extremely
belated birthday or..

whirr

Happy extremely early birthday.

Aaah-haa-haa!

- Hey, Speedy.
- Ola,Bugs.

You said you took care
of the rat problem.

I'm not a rat, I'm a mouse.

whoosh

[door opens and shuts]

You don't know
anything about me.

I bet if you look
"Self-absorbed" up

in a dictionary,
you'd find your picture.

My picture's in the dictionary?

Is it a good one?
What am I wearing?

Does my beak look big?

Aha.
Gotcha!

gulp

This is hopeless.

Don't get mad at me.

Those questions were impossible.

I bet you don't know
when my birthday is.

Your birthday is April 17th.

Your favorite color
is dusty rose.

And you go to bed
every night at 10 o'clock

except on New Year's Eve

when you go to bed at 8:30.

Because, and I quote..

"New Year's is a holiday

invented by the media."

- It is!
- Forget it.

Find a different best friend
to go on that show.

But I need you!

I prize prizes above all else.

This is my sh*t
at finally winning something.

I'll do anything!

Even if it means focusing
on someone other than yourself

for more than two minutes?

That sounds awful.

But I'll do it.

Well, Daffy..

you know how I hate
to talk about myself

but, uh, levers
turn back the clock.

'It was on the East side
of New York'

where me parents resided
amidst humble surroundings.

[Daffy snoring]

'Did I say New York?'

'I meant the planet Krypton.'

Uh..

Anyhoo, my parents knew
that our planet was doomed.

["Superman" theme music]

(Bugs Bunny)
So my father, Jor-El..

...built a spaceship.

His dense molecular structure

will make him strong.

'He'll be fast.'

Virtually invulnerable.

And he'll say, "What's up, doc?"
indiscriminately.

Whether he's speaking
to a doctor or not.

You will travel far,
my little Bugs.

'But we will never leave you.'

["Superman" theme music]

thud

["Superman" theme music]

[glass shatters]

You're from the planet Krypton?

No, you maroon!

That's the story of Superman.

Who is Superman?

I can't believe
I hitched my wagon to you.

- You have a wagon?
- Daffy! Concentrate!

blink blink blink

- On me!
- Oh! Sorry, Superman.

Ugh!

This is gonna be a long night.

(male announcer)
'And now, here's your host
with the most'

'Chuck Berost!'

[audience cheering]

Hey, hey, thanks, everybody.

Let's meet our contestants.

First up, Bugs Bunny
and Daffy Duck.

What's up, doc?

It's a pleasure
to be here, Chuck.

I'm a big fan.

Tell me, how long
have you two known each other?

- Seventeen years.
- Five years.

Looks like you two better get
on the same page. Heh heh.

And now,
let's meet your challengers.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Oh, I'm sorry, after you.

- Oh, no, after you.
- No, after you, I insist.

- I insist more.
- I have an idea.

Oh, you always have good ideas.
I can hardly wait to hear.

(Tosh)
'Well, you won't have to wait.'

- 'I'm about to tell you.'
- 'Oh, goody.'

My idea is that we both
speak
simultaneously.

Wonderful idea!

(Mac and Tosh)
Hello.

Bugs and Daffy,
looks like you've got

some stiff competition.

Okay. Here's the first question.

What is your roommate's
favorite vegetable?

Your favorite vegetable?

chomp chomp

Hmm. I'm gonna go
with beets, Chuck.

buzz

- 'Ohh!'
- 'Uh-oh.'

The correct answer was carrots.

You know what that means!

creak

[audience laughing]

Challengers?

Your favorite vegetable?

Well, I know
he loves cauliflower.

Guilty!
I do love cauliflower.

(Tosh)
'But he has been known
to ask for seconds'

'when I make sweet potatoes.'

(Mac)
You really must try his sweet
potatoes. They are divine.

But if I had to pick
his favorite vegetable

I would have to say
pureed butternut squash

in a balsamic reduction
with just a hint of clover.

(Chuck)
'That's correct!'

ding

I knew you'd get that right!

Well, I knew that you knew
I'd get that right!

[both laughing]

Next question.

What is your best friend's
middle name?

Heh heh heh.
That's an easy one, "Sheldon."

buzz

"Armando?"

(Chuck)
'You know what that means!'

[audience laughing]

Bugs and Daffy, you've got
some catching up to do.

'And you're gonna have
a chance after the break.'

[audience cheering]

Daffy, your middle name
is "Sheldon."

That may be true,
but Armando sounds cooler.

Well, do you wanna sound cool,
or do you wanna win?

I wanna win!

Well, then,
we need a new strategy.

In the next round,
whatever you're about to say

say the opposite.

That's a great idea!

I mean, that's a horrible idea.

[clicks]

- Hello, competitors.
- Hello!

- We wanted to wish you luck.
- Thanks.

Don't you want to wish us luck?

Not particularly.

- I'll wish you luck.
- Why, thank you.

And good luck to you as well.

[both laughing]

[instrumental music]

Welcome back,
to "Besties."

The show about best friends.

- Remember, say the opposite.
- Tsk.

Tell me, who does
your best friend most admire?

I want to say me,
but I guess I'll go with..

...Groucho Marx?

ding

(Chuck)
'That's correct!'

I was gonna say
"Take your daughter to work day"

but instead,
I'll say, "Thanksgiving?"

(Chuck)
'Correct!'

[audience applauding]

Everything in me is
saying Rockabilly

but I'll go with Smooth Jazz.

ding

Co-rrect!

[cheering and applause]

My gut says Chocolate Milk

but I'm gonna go with Australia.

ding

Correct!

[cheering and applause]

This final question
is worth 300 points.

What is your best friend's
catch phrase?

"If friends were flowers,
I'd pick you?"

No, no. It's "Laugh and
the world laughs with you."

- 'Aww.'
- Uh-oh!

You know what that means!

Ooh-hoo! Feathers!

Oh, what fun!
It's like a pillow fight!

[Mac and Tosh giggling]

Bugs and Daffy,
now you have a chance to win.

Daffy, what is Bugs Bunny's
catchphrase?

Hmm. Think.
Catchphrase.

Really?
I say it all the time.

I know this.
I know this.

It's sort of my go-to phrase.

It's right on
the tip of my tongue.

It's in the form of a question.

I say it with a lot of sarcasm.

Ehh..

"I don't do Mondays!"

buzz

- 'Aww!'
- Ooh, I'm sorry!

We were looking for,
"What's up, doc?"

And... say it with me.

(audience)
'You know what that means!'

creaks

thud

That means... you're our winners!

'Gene, tell 'em
what they won!'

(Gene)
'A fabulous cruise!'

A cruise?
Ho ho, how exciting!

We've always wanted
to go on a cruise!

That's your catchphrase?

"What's up, doc?"

What does that even mean?

We don't even know any doctors.

[snaps]
Ow! Ooh!

Who's doing that?

Ow! Oof! Oh!

[grunting]

[theme music]

["Grilled Cheese"]

♪ I work so very hard
all day long ♪

♪ I start to dream of you
before I get home ♪

♪ Grilled cheese ♪

♪ I hope you're ready ♪

♪ 'Cause we got a date ♪

♪ I just can't wait to get home
and put you on my plate ♪

♪ Grilled cheese ♪

♪ Sandwich ♪

♪ The butter will start melting
when I light the flame ♪

♪ 'Cause the butter and
the cheese are gonna ♪

♪ Play a little game ♪

♪ It's called melting ♪

[sizzles]

♪ On the bread ♪

♪ Don't need a burger
don't need no shake ♪

♪ I'll laugh in your face
if you offer me cake ♪

♪ Don't waste my time
with the Brussel sprouts ♪

♪ If you make me a steak
I'll just throw it out ♪

♪ I want a grilled cheese ♪
♪ Grilled cheese ♪

♪ Not a BLT ♪
♪ Grilled cheese ♪

♪ Are you following me? ♪
♪ Grilled cheese ♪

♪ I love you
more than any other ♪

♪ I think I'm gonna
make another ♪

♪ Grilled grilled grilled
grilled cheese ♪

♪ If you please ♪♪

vroom

"What's up, doc?"
Terrible.

Just the world's worst
catchphrase.

And I don't remember
you ever saying it. Say it.

What's up, doc?

Nope.
Doesn't ring a bell.

'But it sure cost us the game.'

What cost us the game
was going on a game show

about best friends when
it's obvious that we're not.

You're saying
I'm not your best friend?

Why? Because I don't know
anything about you?

Because I never ask
any questions

or show any interest in you?

Because I take you for granted?

Because if it is,
that's awfully petty of you.

My best friend would probably
know that I like carrots.

He would most likely know
my birthday

and he would definitely know
my last name.

And for the record,
I would have loved

to have won a cruise.

And that is what's up, doc.

slams

That still doesn't sound right.

[instrumental music]

[dog barking in distance]

Well, if he's not gonna
open the door for me

I guess
I'll just let myself out.

[instrumental music]

[drumming fingers]

Oh, so, I guess I also have
to make my own breakfast?

I guess I have to peel
my own banana too.

- Hey, that's my banana!
- A rat!

For the last time, man,
I'm a mouse!

- Bugs, help!
- Why should he help you?

You didn't help him
on that game show last night.

You know, you'd think
you'd show Senor Bunny a little

more respect, considering
he lets you live here.

Uh, I don't live here.

I'm just crashing here
until I get back on my feet.

FYI, when you crash somewhere
for five years, you live there.

Alright?
You're not a best friend.

- You're a terrible friend.
- Why am I a terrible friend?

Let me answer that question
with a question.

chomp chomp

How many friends do you have
besides Senor Bunny?

Well, uh, let's see. You?

- I'm not your friend.
- Okay, then.

There's that guy
that comes over once a week

and we hang out by the pool.

I-I think his name
is Fong or Trang.

Are you talking about the guy
who comes to clean the pool?

Daniel?
You're kidding yourself, man.

Senor Bunny is your only friend.

If you're not careful,
soon you'll have no friends.

- Who needs friends?
- I'll tell you who.

Someone with no girlfriend,
no job, no credit

no hobbies, no social skills...

Wait, I think I know
someone like that. Daniel?

No, idiot. You.

'You're nothing
without Senor Bunny.'

Then what do I do?

You got to try harder
to be his friend.

Like, how much harder?
Two percent?

- More.
- Five percent?

- More.
- Seven percent?

Are you out of your mind?

- One hundred percent.
- What?

No one can give
a hundred percent!

It's physically impossible!

You got to dig deep.

You got to go to
the place inside you

where you never been.

My soul?

You need to have a soul
in order to go there.

No, no, no.
I'm talking about in here.

Now, try.

[gasping]

[grunting]

That's good enough, right?

No. Look at me.

You can do this.
Now, try.

[grunting]

Harder!

[grunting]

- It hurts!
- Harder!

I'm dying!

No! You're try-ing!

[grunting]

thud thud thud

I'm going to be
the best best friend

that any best friend
has ever had!

[evil laughter]

Uh-oh.

You can open your eyes now,
best friend.

- Huh?
- 'Guess what?'

'I got you the cruise
you wanted!'

The one from the game show?

Surprised?
Well, you shouldn't be.

It's just what
one best friend would do

for another best friend.

[Cuban music]

Who knew cruising could be
so much fun?

I cannot remember the last time
I had this much fun.

Tell me, do you think it's
possible to have too much fun?

Hmm. Interesting question.

I guess there's only
one way to find out.

- Oh, and what might that be?
- Keep having fun!

- Ha ha ha!
- Game's over.

You've been hogging
the court long enough.

- Oh, hello!
- Fancy meeting you here!

Move it along, gophers.
It's my best friend's turn.

Hey, Bugsy, old pal.

A shuffle board court opened up!

Daffy, I'm reading.

I don't wanna play shuffleboard.

Yeah, me neither.

Hmm. There's only one thing
to do about that.

Limbo contest
on the leader deck?

[both laughing]

screech

[seagulls squawking]

What's up, doc?

Oh, is that just your thing?

I don't wanna step on any toes.

[smooth jazz music]

Smooth jazz.
I know it's your favorite.

Do you mind?

You done with that page?

Just let me know
when you're done.

I'll flip it when you're done.

Done yet? Done yet?

Done yet?

Aah!

I'll save your place!

[upbeat music]

Whoo-hoo!

Carrot?

I know they're your favorite!

[toots]

Happy 189 days
until your birthday!

[toots]

I just saw my life
flash before my eyes.

Ooh! Tell me all about it.

This time,
I promise I'll listen.

Daffy, you got to back off.

Sure thing.
This good?

- More.
- This good?

- More.
- This good?

'Aah!'

thud

Yeah, that's good.

[instrumental music]

Is everyone enjoying the cruise?

Oh, indeed!
It's our first one.

And I must say,
I'm a fan of cruising.

Oh, yes.
We're cruisers now.

[screeching]

Excuse me. Excuse me. Pardon me.
Excuse me. Coming through.

[screeching]

I wasn't sure what you
wanted,
so I brought you everything.

[child giggling]

Get your own buffet.
This one's for my best friend.

[crying]

Daffy, you're embarrassing me.

clink clink clink

I'd like to propose a toast

to the most important person
on this ship.

Sit down,
you glorified bus driver!

Ahem. Ahem.

A rat once told me

that friendship
takes a lot of effort.

'But I'm not interested
in friendship.'

'I'm interested in
best friendship.'

And best friendship

takes a whole lot more.

It means waiting on your
best friend hand and foot.

Buying their affection.

'Robotically memorizing every
trivial little fact about them.'

It means supporting them
above all others.

Possibly to the detriment
of those others.

Especially to the detriment
of those others.

Best friends have
all of the same interests.

Whether those interests
are interesting or not.

A best friend is someone

you'd happily commit
a crime for.

- Any crime!
- No matter how heinous!

The heinous-er, the better-er.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
That's not a best friend.

That's a stalker.

Daffy, I know I said
you weren't my best friend

but after these past few days

seeing all the effort
you've put in

seeing how hard you've tried,
I have to say..

...you got to stop trying!

- What?
- It's not your thing.

Would it be nice
if you remembered

the occasional birthday

or food I'm highly
allergic to? Sure.

But not if it means
we turn into those guys.

- No offense.
- None taken.

Daffy, you're a mean-spirited

self-absorbed,
disturbed little weirdo.

But for whatever reason,
you're my best friend.

[cheering and applause]

You're my best friend too,
Bugs Bada-Blingya.

Ehh. Good enough.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Seriously, how did you pay
for all this?

I used your credit card.
I memorized the number.

Hey! I do know
something about you!

They could have asked me
that on the game show!

It's 9481-6400-28..

[grunting]

[muffled speech]

[theme music]

[stuttering]
Th-Th-Th.. That's all, folks.