01x05 - Monster Talent

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Looney Tunes Show". Aired: May 3, 2011 - November 2, 2013.*
Watch/Buy Amazon  Merchandise


Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck and the rest of the `Looney Tunes' characters are back with new adventures.
Post Reply

01x05 - Monster Talent

Post by bunniefuu »

[instrumental music]

Hut one, hut two.

High! Come on!

Come on! Get open!

Interception! Touchdown!

We did it! Yeah!

Pathetic!

Playing all by yourself.
Get some friends, kid.

I'm all in.

Fold.

I'm never
playing with you again!

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

Check it out. I stole them
from the movie theater.

3-D glasses. Ooh!

From now on,
I'll take my entertainment

exclusively in three dimensions.

Daffy, those only work
at the movie theater.

(man on TV)
The chances of the republican..

Whoa! He's so close.

Back off, newsman.

- It's not in 3-D.
- Whoa.

- It's like I can touch you.
- Please don't.

[doorbell rings]

Meeeh. What's up, neighbor?

Whoa!

Ugh! Back to 2-D. What a bummer.

Can I talk to you for a second?

It's my son, Gossamer.

He's having some trouble
fitting in at school.

'All the kids pick on him
and call him a monster.'

Duh. He is a monster.

I tried to help him,
but he's at that age

where he doesn't wanna
listen to his mama.

The other day
he called me a witch.

You are a witch.

[whirring]

Do you need to be
doing that right now?

Protein shake.
It's how I maintain this body.

[whirring]

Anyway, Gossamer needs help
making friends.

Now, I think he could benefit
from a positive male role model.

'Could you take him to school
tomorrow and maybe talk to him?'

You want Bugs to talk to him?

He doesn't know the first thing
about making friends.

He was born with friends.
He's got too many friends.

The only person who can help
a weirdo like Gossamer

is another weirdo.

[clatters]

That's a great idea.

You can take him
to school tomorrow.

What? No.
Find another weirdo.

No one helped me out
when I was a kid

so I'm not helping him out.

You know,
I'm not always a nice witch.

I'm only taking you to school
'cause I'm afraid of your
mom.

Don't open that.

Sorry.

- You're a real weird dude.
- Sorry.

Why are you always apologizing?

- Sorry.
- Listen, kid.

School is like prison.

And I should know.
I've been to both.

You do your time
and you get out.

And if you're lucky,
you'll grow up to be as
mature

and well-adjusted as me.

Oh, come on! Move it, lady!

[honking]

Just get out here.
This mom's taking forever.

I mean, how many kids
do you have to have

before you feel like
you've got a family?

It's irresponsible!

Will you pick me up
after school?

Pick you up?

What do you think, I-I-I just

sit around all day watching TV?

You don't think I have a job
or other responsibilities?

My mom says you're a bum

and that you mooch off
of Mr. Bunny.

Well, your mom's stupid.

Don't tell her I said that.

[engine starts]

[tires screeching]

[honking]

[instrumental music]

Hey, Gossamer.

[slaps]
See you later, pal.

[all laughing]

[bell ringing]

Hi, Kyle. Hi, Jason.

Hi, Emily. What's up, Trevor?

Hi, Maya.

[instrumental music]

Hey, Andrew.

[engine rumbling]

Why didn't you defend yourself?

My mom says
v*olence is never the answer.

Well, your mom is wrong.

It's almost always the answer.
Don't tell her I said that.

And, anyway, I don't know
how to defend myself.

Then it's time to go to school.

Not that school,
the school of hard knocks.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Uh, w-where's Daffy?

He's helping our neighbor's kid.

- Try it.
- We already got our pizza.

No, try this one.

Well?

- I like it.
- This one's frozen!

Uh, p-pretty impressive.

Pretty impressive?
It's very impressive.

Let me
tell you something, Pinky.

Uh, it's Porky.

I like to see you make

a restaurant-quality
frozen pizza.

You couldn't. You know why?

Because it's next to impossible,
but I did it.

And now I'm going to sell
Speedy Gonzales' Frozen Pizzas

in grocery stores
all across the country!

What are they doing?

I'm filming the commercial
later today.

- Hey, you should be in it.
- Nah.

Come on!
You can be the customer.

- I-I-I don't...
- I could play t-the customer.

Pinky, please.
I'm talking to Senor Bugs.

What do you say? Will you be
in my frozen pizza commercial?

- Uh..
- I'd love to do it.

Yeah. Just let Porky do it.

Can I at least use your slogan?

- What slogan?
- "I like it."

- When did I say that?
- When you tried the pizza.

It's the perfect slogan,
not too much, not too little.

I don't love it. I like it.

It's pizza,man.
It's not a new car.

- Whatever.
- Oh! Y-y-yippee!

Relax, Pinky, okay?

It's a commercial, not a movie.

But go see the makeup girl.
You're just-just so pink.

I guess
that's where he gets his name.

This is the school
I graduated from.

[grunting]

I'm kind of a legend
around here.

What's up, man?

I don't know you.

Self-defense

is about knowing your strengths

'and your opponent's
weaknesses.'

It's about stamina..

...discipline..

...and never..

[grunts]

...letting your guard down.

[groans]

[grunts]

Shouldn't we be wearing
boxing gloves?

Does anybody wear boxing gloves
in a street fight?

Also, there's
a $5 glove-rental fee.

Now, let's get it on!

[grunts]

I don't wanna fight.

Too late, you're in a fight

and you're already losing.
You know why?

You're off balance.

And when you're off balance

you're open to one of these!

Hi-ya!

[thud]

- Lucky sh*t.
- I didn't do anything.

How's this gonna help me
make friends?

I see what you're doing.
Mind games.

Well, mind games are no match

for one of these!

[groans]

[breathing heavily]

Alright. Let's take a break.

I'm sure
this is a lot of information

for you to absorb.

I'm going
to the vending machine.

I'll bring you back
one of these!

[groans]

Well, we've learned two things
here today.

You refuse to defend yourself

and I need to double up
on my protein shakes.

I'm never gonna get any friends.

Not with that "Kick me" sign
still on your back.

Give me that.

' "School talent show."'

- Huh.
- What is it?

I think I just figured out a way

for you to make some friends.

'A way for you
to impress everyone'

'and instantly become popular'

in a single, dramatic moment.

You mean, enter the talent show?

Oh, I was gonna say

watch the talent show wearing
a really cool jacket

but entering the talent show..

That's a great idea!

Wow! You're lucky
I thought of it.

- Do you have any talents?
- I could sing.

Ugh! No way. Singing's lame.

Come on. We can come up
with something better than that.

Oh, wait. I forgot
something.

To give you one of these!

[screaming]

[groans]

Do you want
restaurant-quality pizza

in the comfort of your own home?

Hello, I'm Speedy Gonzales

of Speedy Gonzales' Pizzarriba

telling you
that you can now enjoy my pizza

in a frozen variety

but don't take my word for it.

Here's a real-life customer.

Ahem. What do you think,
sir?

I-I like it!

Cut!

Pinky, y-you're overselling it.

I told you
you could be in the
commercial

but you-you gotta pull back.

You gotta play real.

Uh, take it again.

What do you think, sir?

(Porky)
'I-I like it!'

Nope. It's not working.
Senor Bugs.

Let me hear you say it again.

- I like it.
- That's it! Perfect!

Sorry, Pinky, there's just
something about him

a likeability factor.

I mean, this guy's okay

but I wanna party with this guy!

Let's take it again.

Hey, Pinky, I'm sorry.

Scooch to your left
a little bit.

'Little more, little more.'

'Little more, little more.'

'Little more, little more.'

'Little more.'

(Porky)
'Uh, how's this?'

Perfect-o.

Talent. It can't be taught.

It can't be bought,
it can't be faked.

It just is. You dig?

- Do I dig what?
- Two, three, four!

[upbeat music]

No, no, no. Back to one.

- Where's one?
- 'Two, three, four!'

[upbeat music]

Stop, stop, stop!

You're doing it wrong!

It's a simple kickball change

a shimmy to the right

a shimmy to the left

pivot, step and head roll.

Was that so difficult?

I was thinking maybe I could
sing at the talent show.

Are you out of your mind?

That is so lame!

I mean, do you know how girly
and pathetic you'd look

if you sang? No, no, no.

If you want friends

you need to dance.

I'm not a dancer.

Well, you just keep
telling yourself that.

This is just so frustrating!

There is a dancer inside of you.

Shame on you for not seeing it

and shame on me for being
the only one who does!

I need to cool off.
I'm gonna take five.

But not before
I give you one of these!

[thud]

Will you go make me
a protein shake?

[instrumental music]


(Speedy on TV)
'I'm Speedy Gonzales
of Speedy Gonzales' Pizzarriba'

'telling you
that you can now enjoy my pizza'

'in a frozen variety.'

- I like it.
- 'And you will, too.'

(Speedy)
'Speedy Gonzales' Frozen Pizza'

'in your grocer's freezer!'

- Huh. How much?
- Oh, it's on the house.

You're famous.

Honey, look.
It's the I-like-it guy.

Oh!

I-like-it guy! Say it.

- I like it.
- Yeah!

I like it.

You probably get this all
the time, but will you say it?

I'm kind of in a hurry.

Please, just one time.

[sighs]
I like it.

Do you mind? Will you say it
for my outgoing message?

- I like it.
- Ooh. Wasn't recording.

- One more time?
- I like it.

Whoo-hoo! I like it!

I'm not sure I like it.

[siren wailing]

(male #1)
'Say it.'

'Yeah, you.'

'"I-like-it guy. Say it.'

I like it.

'Classic.'

[siren wailing]

This whole time
we've been focusing

on the talent part
of the talent show.

But what about the show part?

[engine sputtering]

You don't want me
to juggle chainsaws, do you?

No. That would be ludicrous.

I want you to juggle chainsaws

that have been lit on fire.

Can't I just sing
at the talent show?

No, you can't sing!
That would be a death sentence!

[fire alarm beeping]

Run for our lives!

[dramatic music]

You saved my life.

I'd like to repay you

by giving you one of these!

It's like those protein
shakes
are making me weaker.

[tires screeching]

My house!

Hey! Hey,
it's the I-like-it guy!

You live here?

- Say it!
- My house is burning down.

That's not the line.

Turn on the water!

No, you remember.

The little mouse goes,
"What do you think, sir?"

And you say..

I like it!

Whoo-hoo!

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

[both laughing]

Hey, when you're done,
can we get a picture?

[tires screeching]

Well, this is it. Good luck.

[indistinct announcement on PA]

This is the bus station.
What about the talent show?

You can't go to the talent show.

You don't have a talent.

- Here. Take this.
- What's this?

Everything you need
to start a new life.

Fake passport, fake money

and my fake number,
in case of emergency.

"Fernando Valenzuela?"

The baseball player?

The beloved baseball player.

Get ready to have
tons of friends.

Please, just take me
to the talent show.

Ah, uh..

Your funeral, Fernando.

[engine starts]

[instrumental music]

Psst. Hey. You're that guy.

- Say it.
- Shh. There's a kid onstage.

I know. It's my kid.
Come on. Say it.

- No.
- Just say it!

I'm not gonna say it.

As a matter of fact

I'm never gonna say it again

ever!

Typical Hollywood jerk.

[music continues]

Oh, good. You haven't gone
on.

I took this
from the science lab.

I think they're scorpions.

I'm not sure
what you should do with them.

Maybe eat 'em, let 'em
run around on your face

something like that?

(male #2)
'And now, our next contestant..'

- Wish me luck.
- Wait.

You forgot the scorpions.

I don't need 'em.

[coughing]

That's my baby!

[whistles]

What is she doing?

My name's Gossamer,
and I'm gonna sing.

[piano music]

♪ The leaves of brown
came tumblin' down ♪

♪ Remember ♪

♪ In September ♪

♪ In the rain? ♪

[piano music]

♪ The sun went out
just like a dying ember ♪

♪ That September ♪

♪ In the rain ♪

♪ To every word of love
I heard ♪

♪ You whisper ♪

♪ The raindrops seem ♪

♪ To play a sweet refrain ♪

♪ Though spring is here ♪

♪ To me it's still September ♪

♪ That September ♪

♪ In the rain ♪

♪ Yeah ♪♪

[giggling]

I like it.

[applauding]

[all cheering]

[instrumental music]

[all laughing]

I can't thank you enough
for helping my boy.

Yes, you can. You're a witch.
You can do anything.

Come on, wave your wand.
Make me strong.

I wanna be strong

super strong, with wings.

And give me 3-D vision.

Stay away from my son.

What's with the glass box
full of sand?

- It's a scorpion t*nk.
- Where are the scorpions?

[children screaming]

Something bit me!

[engine starts]

[car alarm wailing]

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

click

[dramatic music]

[whooshing]

[dramatic music]

Meep, meep.

[thud]

[instrumental music]

[rattling]

[whooshing]

[chomping]

[dramatic music]

[rope creaking]

[thud]

clank

[fire hissing]

[dramatic music]

[bones crackling]

[thud]

boom

Meep, meep.

♪ Ave ♪

♪ Mari-i-i-ia ♪♪

[singing in foreign language]

So is this why
you didn't want me

to sing at the talent show?

It's just as painful in 3-D.

[singing continues]

[glass shatters]

[theme music]

You're welcome.
Post Reply