06x07 - Goin' Fishin

[bunniefuu]

- (KIDS SHOUT PLAYFULLY)
- A vaginal probe?

Uh-huh.

Like, the wand thing?

Uh-huh.

And it felt... good?

- It felt very good.
- Huh!

An ultrasound with a happy ending.

Good for you.

I once had an a**l fissure
with a happy ending.

- Ohh!
- True story.

And now that I have your attention,

let me officially welcome Sloane,

Maya, and Jenny to Val's pals.

Buckle up.

And open today's session

with a (WITH A FRENCH
ACCENT) grande announcement!

(GIGGLES)

(FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS)

Ohhh! (LAUGHS)

♪♪♪

(LAUGHS) Ta-dah!

Val, what the f*ck did you do?

I know, I splurged.
I got us parking vouchers.

Not the f*ckin' vouchers,
Val, we're talkin' about...

- That ass.
- Is that real?

- It's mesmerizing.
- Oh!

If you mean my dream derriere,

it's as real as they come.

Mel preferred my flat Stanley, but...

I wanted something
a little more... you know.

- Enormous?
- Hmm.

Yeah, and what of it?

Honestly, I didn't think this
crowd would be so body-neg.

Enhancing our God-given
features is empowering.

So, are we making announcements?

- Because I'm pregnant!
- What?

- Congratulations.
- Oh my God!

That's not all. I'm engaged!

- GROUP: Whoa! Hey!
- Congrats again!

And I want all of you
to be my bridesmaids.

- What?
- Um...

Seriously? Us?

Well, of course, you turkeys!
Who else would I be asking?

Uh, I guess uh,

we all assumed that you maybe...
already had uh...

More important people
in your life that you...

I do. And they're you.

Lucky ducks.

I'm just gonna say it, Jenny.

We're not friends, and that's okay.

Um, weird flex, Maya, but don't worry.

- You're not invited anymore.
- Jesus.

So, who's excited?

(LAUGHS UNCOMFORTABLY)

(GIGGLES)

(KATE GROANS)

(WEAKLY) Yay.

(ZIPPERS RASPS)

All right, one warm lunch, comin' up!

Uh, I'm gonna get a ride,
I'll see you after school?

You catchin' a ride with a special guy?

- Shh!
- Oh, you don't have

to worry about your dad. He is down.

He's on the right side of history.

And by the right, I mean the left.

You know what I mean. He'd be thrilled.

Or he'll just become
even weirder around me

- than he already is.
- You guys just gotta spend some time

- together, that's all.
- Hey, uh,

sport! (LAUGHS AWKWARDLY)

- So how's it hangin'?
- Oh boy!

- Oh, sorry.
- Nathan.

- Um, hey...
- I'm-I'm good.

- Just...
- Oh yeah.

Uh, so there's this record
signing this afternoon

that I-I wanted to go to.

It's for uh, squoosh rocket.

It's at the Yowling Cat.

The Yowling Cat,
that's right by my work.

- Isn't that place kinda seedy?
- No, it's super cool.

I do need an adult to get in,
so can we go?

Oh! I wish I could,
but I can't swing it today.

Uh, but maybe your dad can,

since it's right by his work.

I'm tied up in a hearing,
I'm really sorry.

- Another time?
- Sure, yeah.

No-no problem.

Maybe when squoosh makes
the rounds another...

years from now.

- Uh, I've gotta go.
- Bye.

(SIGHS)

That felt like an opportunity.

Do you want to hand
him over to Cassandra?!

What am I supposed to do,
cancel my hearing?

You know what,
you just do what you gotta do...

sport!

Just say hi like a normal person to him.

LIONEL: Oh! Anne,

I can't believe you're back in Cochrane.

Hey, did I mention how much
I appreciate you being here?

I could really use a friendly
face in that courtroom.

Yeah, of course.

This looks like the suit
of an innocent man, right?

Are you trying to go to jail?

Wait, what? What?!

What's wrong with it?

Hey, just checking in,
seeing how you guys are doing.

Did you give your sister breakfast?

Yeah, I'm not gonna
let Jayme starve, Mom.

- Now stop calling.
- I'm sorry, it's just...

It's the first time you babysat
her overnight like this,

and I just wanna make sure that...

That I don't burn down the house?

Honestly, yes,
that's a very real fear of mine.

Ugh! I just...

You hate me. I got it. Loud and clear.

Listen, Kate's phone number
is on the kitchen table,

please just call her at any time.

I got it. Goodbye, already!

Don't "goodbye already" me!

Listen, I am calling back in one hour,

and I want a full rundown on everything

you and Jayme ate and pooped,

or there will be hell to pay,
so help me God!

- I love you.
- Hmm.

(PHONE THUDS)

- (SIGHS) Sorry about that.
- Oh, that's okay.

I'm just grateful you're
able to see me in your home.

Sure thing.

♪♪♪

Listen, what do we have here?

Okay, well,
I brought you all my favorites.

I think I know what all my
favorites are right now.

- I think I know too.
- (BOTH LAUGH)

(CLEARS THROAT) Nice
of you to get started.

Nice of you to join us.

- Come on down.
- Have a seat.

Oh. Um...

- You...
- Nice and tight.

- Yeah.
- Hmm! So...

What's first, you Twinkies?

Well, I hope you brought
your sweet tooth!

Yum! Okay, ooh! Is that the red velvet?

Oh, honey, red velvet?
Like, what year is it, ?

(BOTH LAUGH)

Mm! This. This is the one.

- What is this, mango meringue?
- A man with taste!

That's my favorite, too.

Great minds.

Anyway, what about flowers?

I was thinking flower
crowns for the bridesmaids.

- Not flower crowns! No!
- f*ck crowns!

- No, no, no.
- Okay, look, Lana Del Rey

moved on, and you can, too.

Like, what's next, mason jars,

and tables made from barn doors?

- (BOTH LAUGH)
- Okay!

I thought this was a wedding
planning appointment,

not a g*ng up on Jenny appointment.

Honey, we're just joking, all right?

Just relax. It's-it's a joke.

- Okay? Here. Try this mango cake.
- Yeah, I am so done with fruit cakes!

You know what? You're fired.

- What, is she serious?
- What the hell?

- Hey, honey.
- You can go now. Bye!

Run while you can.

What the hell was that?

Look, I know this whole thing
is just for show,

and we're not like,
together or whatever, but...

that doesn't mean I'm
cool with you flirting

with our wedding planner in front of me

when I'm carrying your stupid child.

Can't you just at least pretend to care?

(SIGHS)

(PAPER RUSTLES)

What the f*ck is this?

I booked us a suite
at the birthing center

- for the delivery.
- Seriously?

I wanna get this right, Jenny.

This baby deserves the best of us.

♪♪♪

So, now that the book's back on,

what's your position on
using Goldie's products?

- Oh God.
- (PHONE VIBRATES)

Hey, Rebecca, how's our star journalist?

Well, Goldie got to my sources,

and they're all backing out.

I should've known she'd have more moves.

Sorry, what do you mean she got to them?

She's buying them all off!

They're retracting
testimonials left and right.

Any bright ideas this time?

Uh, yeah. Uh, come down to my office,

and I will put together a plan for you.

You better, because there's no book

without these testimonials
to back it up.

- Of course. Oh.
- (CALL BEEPS OFF)

(FRUSTRATED GROAN)

- What's that?
- Nothing.

Rosie?

You are not still at it?!

It's my last shipment, I swear!

- (BOX THUDS)
- Oh!

Besides, what you,
and my mother, and my sister

don't understand is this...

fills me, this fills my cup!

- Oh my God.
- (SNIFFS)

Ohh! And how heavenly is
that lemon-fresh scent?

Take a deep relaxing whiff, Kate.

Let it transport you.

You have a problem.

♪♪♪

Rebecca Anderson,
I'd like to introduce you

to Rosie Phillips,
your new insider source.

This is your plan?

Doesn't she work for you?

She does, which is why
I can speak firsthand

to the damage this little
side-hustle has done.

A side-hustle I happen
to have a real knack for.

Look at her, so addicted. Stop.

Right, right, sorry.
I'll tell you what I know.

All right, let's hear it.

I'll take what I can get.

Don't let her down, Rose.

Hmm! (SIGHS)

♪♪

PAUL: Ding dong!

- Hungry?
- Come in.

Um, look, I wanted
to take you out for lunch,

but you seem like a very busy woman,

so I thought I would bring
lunch to you instead.

Now, you mentioned you've
been craving burritos,

but you didn't tell me what kind,
so I just got them all.

We've got steak, chicken,

pulled pork, calamari, or veggie.

Well, that is quite the selection.

So, what'll it be?

- I'm a steak sorta gal.
- Perfect!

Because I... am a pulled-pork fella.

(WRAPPER RUSTLES)

- Mmm!
- Mmm!

Mmm!

- You started reading it.
- I read it last night.

- (TAPS BOOK)
- So? What'd you think?

Honestly? A little on the nose,

- not really my cup of tea.
- Well, uh...

Okay. Fair enough.

So, what is your cup of tea, then?

Like, what's the book that
made you wanna get into books?

"The Raccoon and the Rock."

About a raccoon who loses her rock.

Sounds a little on the nose for me.

It's been out of print for years,

but this is the copy that my dad gave me

after my mom d*ed.

I only realized later on in
life why I connected to it.

And I guess, uh,

I wanted to bring that
feeling to others.

That's beautiful.

Oh! God, you listen to me emoting.

It's the g*dd*mn hormones.

Yeah, it kinda comes with
the pregnancy territory.

- Ah, can you just...
- You haven't told anyone yet?

No! And I'm not chomping
at the bit to, either.

Why not? I mean...

What do you think it says about you?

Oh, I don't know,

that I'm feeble, imbalanced,

unreliable, temperamental,
should I go on?

That's very interesting.

Because I think it says
you're a powerhouse.

Well, that too, obviously.

So what are you really afraid of?

Oh, f*ck!

You're right.

♪♪♪

- (NERVOUS TAPPING)
- Deb A.

Come on, Deb A.!

I hear you.

Because if it's judge Deb T.,
uh, I got nothing.

- Jesus Christ, dude!
- I-I know.

All rise for the honorable...

Judge Deborah Alabaster.

- Yes! That's a Deb A.!
- Oh! Thank God!

You might just see
the light of day after all.

Alrighty.

Psst! Annie!

The cutie committee has a new member.

(CHARMS JINGLING)

(JINGLING)

♪♪♪

Yeah, this isn't gonna work.

I-I appreciate Rosie's cooperation,

but she's basically a walking
billboard for Goldie's.

Well, exactly, she drank the kool-aid!

Technically,
it was a delicious window cleaner.

Rosie, that's not helping.

This company cost women their families,

their homes, their livelihoods.

Rosie hasn't really lost
anything to Goldie's...

except her dignity.

- Sorry, no offense.
- Oh, none taken.

Look, she's a small fish.

For this book to hold up,

we're gonna need a whale.

So... call me when you find a whale.

(THWARTED EXHALE)

And I still wake up in cold sweats

seeing that grown man's fist

making contact with my
sweet son's cherub face.

Oh my God.

- JUDGE DEB A.: You okay, hun?
- I think so.

- Have a tissue.
- Thank you.

- f*ck!
- It's just so crazy!

You're being incredibly brave.

Thank you.

Are you still coming
over for rosé after?

Okay, that's it, I object!

- JUDGE DEB A.: Excuse me?!
- No, excuse me.

This is bullshit!

Why even pretend to have a fair trial,

when clearly you are
a card-carrying member

of the cutie committee!

She doesn't know we call it that.

(BANGS GAVEL) Order!

You're not even trying
to hide your bias!

- Anne, stop!
- What, are you gonna give him

- life in prison next?
- Will you please stop?!

This charade is a f*cking joke!

Bailiff, please remove this
woman from my courtroom!

Don't worry, I'll remove myself.

I'm going! God! Ridiculous!

Well, Mr. Carlson, you're up.

(COURTROOM DOOR CREAKS OPEN, THEN SLAMS)

(APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS THUD)

Hey, Sloane.

Well, you got us all here,
what's the big news?

Well, everyone, uh...

I cannot believe I'm about
to share this, but...

- Come on.
- Sorry, am I interrupting?

- Yes, actually, who are you?
- Oh! Nina! Come in.

Sloane, have you met Nina Harris,

- our new junior executive?
- So honored to meet you.

Yeah, we were hoping that
you might show her the ropes.

Yeah, and this one
comes with credentials:

New Publisher's award,
Fountain Pen Publisher's award,

- Ah! (LAUGHS)
- the list goes on.

Anyway, uh, Sloane,
what was it you wanted to tell us?

Just that...

I...

I'm getting an ergonomic chair.

So if anyone's interested,

they're cheaper if you
order them in bulk.

Okay, you could've just
sent us an email,

but sure, I'll take one of those.

- Yeah, yeah, why not?
- I'd love one too.

Great.

DALE: Uh... okay!

So you're saying that
you had no intention

of punching Mr. Brewer?

Uh, yes.

Yes, that is correct.

Well, (SMALL LAUGH) works for me.

- Wait, that's it?
- Yeah.

Uh, your honor,
motion to represent myself?

- Huh?
- You're fired.

Motion granted.
The floor is yours, Mr. Carlson.

Um... huh!

Okay! Uh...

I wanna tell you all a story.

Um, I want you...

I want you to close your
eyes while I tell it.

Okay? Yeah. Go ahead, close 'em.

Nice. I want you to...

picture a young girl walking
to school on a sunny day.

(DEEP INHALE AND EXHALE)

Suddenly, uh, a boy walks up to her,

and... he smiles at her.

He charms her.

And then that boy tells her
that the earth is flat,

global warming is fake,

and the bees... (SHARP INHALE)

The bees are doing just fine.

Suddenly, he's affecting how she talks,

how she dresses.

And then one day,

he scolds her.
Right in front of her father,

the very man whose job it is

to protect her from predators like him!

You see that girl?

Now imagine she's your daughter,

and tell me that you
wouldn't want to punch

the daylights out of that punk.

I don't know if I
wanna live in a country

where you aren't allowed
to punch that kid.

Because I believe in freedom.

Democracy.

Okay, thank you, I rest my case.

♪♪♪

Hey, how have you been
feeling since your last visit?

Honestly? Like crap.

I already feel like I'm retaining water

in my ankles, which is bullshit,

because they took forever to
look normal again after Zoe.

Your pregnancy is high risk, Jenny.

At least my fiancé
doesn't seem to care.

He sleeps with men,
and they have huge ankles.

But, if anything,
it's probably brought us close together.

I mean, he did get us
into the birthing center...

Jenny, I'm trying to tell you

that your pregnancy is high risk.

What? No, it's not.

Why?

The heartbeat isn't as strong

as we would like it to be at this point,

which means,
the pregnancy may not be viable.

We'll run further tests,

but right now you're at
high risk for miscarrying.

So I recommend taking it easy,

and waiting before telling
anyone about the pregnancy.

(VOICE FADES) Do you understand?

(KNOCKING) MCP: You're back!

- How'd it go?
- What?

The ultrasound. How's baby doing?

Oh. Baby's...

Good, yeah.

Good. And um...

You're feeling okay?

Never better.

Okay.

Are-are you hungry?

I have a late meeting,
but we can go for a bite after.

I-I, I could eat.

Meet you downstairs at six?

- It's a date.
- Okay.

♪♪♪

- MAN ON TV: And I just hold...
- (KNOCKING)

MAN ON TV:
A two-year supply of beauty products,

- courtesy of our sponsor.
- (RAPID KNOCKING)

(FOOTSTEPS THUD)

(KNOCKING, DOOR OPENS)

Oh good, you're here.

I just had the most
frustrating conversation,

and honestly,
I almost got in a car accident

on my way over to tell you about it.

Um, I-I don't know if now's a good time.

But I-I need you now, I...

(SHAKY EXHALES)

Is this about money?

Teenagers are so greedy.
(FRUSTRATED EXHALE)

I think you should leave.

Why are you being so hostile?

This isn't like you. Let-let me in.

No!

(SHUTS DOOR)

- (LOCK CLICKS)
- Oh my God!

(CALMING EXHALE)

♪♪♪

(KEYS TAP)

(SHAKY EXHALE)

Hey, is it okay if we come over?

Make yourselves comfortable, guys.

Those scary movies hit different

when you're home alone, don't they?

- Yeah. I guess so.
- Well, don't you worry,

I'm not good with the spooky stuff,
either.

Hey, Nathan Jr, we got company!

- Come on, let's get some snacks.
- (SMALL LAUGH)

Will the defendant please rise?

With respect to the charge
of assaulting a minor,

I find the defendant... guilty.

- CHERYL: Loser!
- Yeah!

Order! Order in the court!

It gives me no great
pleasure doing this,

but, Lionel Carlson,

- I sentence you to... life.
- What?!

A life at least
kilometers from Cochrane,

as long as Bennett Brewer still
lives within its city limits.

And a $ , fine.

- (SCOFFS)
- Is that bad?

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

(RELIEVED EXHALE) Woo!

Hey, hey, full house.

Yeah, Ella and Charlie
are already in bed.

Nathan Jr. and Alice
are gettin' pretty cozy there.

Anything I should know?

Nope, just that the Carlsons
are spending the night.

Actually, hey, uh,

Alice, would you put Jayme down, please?

- Sure.
- Thanks, honey.

I thought you had to
stay at the office late.

I managed to get out early, so.

- Good night, honey.
- Goodnight, girls.

ALICE: Good night.

Hey, can I turn this off?

- Go ahead.
- Um...

Sorry I couldn't take you
to the record signing today.

And I know that this doesn't
make up for it, but...

I hope it's a start.

"Have a funky year, tuba man?"

I know. I told him
you played the sax, but...

No-no, no, that's his catchphrase.

This is legendary!

Thank you.

There's something I wanna tell you.

I think I was so worried
about not living up

to your expectations,
that I did just that.

But I'm here now.

Actually, there...

There's something
I-I need to tell you, too.

I wanted to tell you for a while...

I don't know why I didn't.

All right, team,
we got our work cut out for us.

New pitches, my office! I got pastries.

ROSIE: (GASPS) Kate! You're here!

Oh, sorry, do we have a meeting?

Even better.
I'd like you to meet the new sources.

What, for the book? Uh, how did you...

It's funny how they'll open up
to one of their own.

And they're all willing to go
on record against Goldie's?

We are. Let's topple this pyramid.

Looks like we got ourselves a whale.