20x12 - The Lois Quagmire

[bunniefuu]

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is v*olence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good
old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy. ♪

Oh, it's a letter from my
fancy private high school.

(BARKING)

(GROWLING)

I'll take this envelope
to the refuse, madam.

Oh, thank you, letter butler.

- What's that all about?
- Oh, it's an invitation

to my high school reunion.

I went to the Fancington's
Academy for Insufferable Girls.

Our mascot was a well-dressed
woman who yells at valets.

Nice. I'm sure you and Peter
will have a great time.

Uh...

(SHARP INHALE) Peter.

Nobody look. This is a
private, gross matter.

Right.

Do people bring husbands
to these things?

You're not thinking of going
without him, are you?

Honestly, Brian, these girls
come from old money,

so they can be pretty
stuffy and judgmental.

Well...

I'm still available.

_

"But the real outliers were the
friends we made along the way."

- The end.
- (DOOR OPENS)

- Oh, hey, Lois.
- Wow, look at you.

- Reading a book, huh?
- Oh, yeah.

I read everything
people leave on planes.

I read The Da Vinci Code four times.

And I'm not sure the last time
I've seen you in your uniform.

You really clean up nice.

Hey, Glenn, I have this class
reunion coming up soon,

and I thought maybe it'd
be fun if, I don't know,

you know, maybe the two
of us went together.

- What about Peter?
- Oh, he hates those things.

And football.

- Climate change?
- Well, that is a real problem.

Hey, here's a fun thought:
what if you go

and pretend to be my husband?

Well, I'm not used to wearing
rings above the waist,

but what the hell...
I'll try anything once.

Where you going, Mom?

Oh, I'm just heading out for
the weekend to visit the...

Museum of Dusty Vases.

Why don't you just look at
all the ones in this house?

So what do we do for dinner?

- Like, pizza?
- No pizza.

Okay, right. So, like, pizza?

No, Peter, not pizza.

Okay, right. Not pizza.
So just... pizza?

Okay, everyone, I stocked
the fridge with healthy food.

Your weight is a reflection
on me, so no pizza.

Oh, pizza. Now, that's an idea.

Peter, if you disobey
me about the pizza,

there will be consequences.

Mom's-out-of-town consequences,

which, according to the
movies, are the worst kind.

Fine, but I'm gonna tweet
mean stuff at celebrities

that look vaguely like you.

_

_

_

You're going to that
reunion, aren't you?

Shh. Keep your voice down.

Yes, I'm going, but with
Quagmire, not Peter.

Glenn's gonna pretend to be
my husband to impress them.

Are you sure that's a good idea?

I mean, it's Quagmire...

you know how he feels about you.

Yeah, I know he's gonna
try and sleep with me,

but I'm a big girl, and
I can handle Quagmire.

I'll be fine.

- But...
- But nothing. Fetch!

Oh, not cool, Lois. Very not cool!

All right, she's gone.

Now, who wants pizza?

_

Oh, no. No wife of mine
carries her own bags.

(STRAINING)

Oh, my God, that's heavy.

What's in these things?

Well, we're here for two nights,

so my hair dryer, my
iron, my free weights...

and I thought maybe, if I had
a minute, I'd Rollerblade...

my CPAP machine and bedside table...

There's a whole table in here?

... travel Peloton, every
robe I've ever owned,

and my desktop computer.

It's got my email on there.

Lois, I have an umbilical hernia.

- They're on rollers.
- Oh.

Okay, so I booked us a suite

so that we can keep up the
appearance of being married,

but still sleep in separate rooms.

Like John Krasinski and Emily Blunt?

Exactly.

_

- (KNOCKING)
- Oh, pizza man's here.

Do I look okay?

I know, that one has a mind of its own.

Here's your pie. May
I use your bathroom?

Absolutely. We'll be
out here eating pizza

like we're in an ' s commercial.

♪ ♪

♪ Smile in your family's face ♪

♪ It's pizza night ♪

♪ Eye contact with your son ♪

♪ He's gonna take a stringy bite ♪

♪ The obesity epidemic ♪

♪ Was starting to take hold ♪

♪ So stuff your face with pizza ♪

♪ Before it gets too cold ♪

♪ Before it gets too cold, yeah! ♪

Pizza!

It's probably just the pizza talking,

but I love you guys.

Um, the pizza guy's car
is still running outside.

Four tires, not one of them the same.

Is that guy still on the can?

- I'll check.
- Let's all check.

(ALL GASP)

I think he's had a heart att*ck.

- He's dead.
- Oh, my God, Dad, this is terrible.

I know. Your mother is gonna
find out we had pizza.

What the...

This is not the room I reserved.

This is the honeymoon suite.

Was that, "This is the honeymoon,"
comma, "sweet"?

Or, like, "room"?

Oh, you're not gonna get away with this.

I am gonna tweet mean
stuff at celebrities

that look vaguely like you.

_

_

_

Whoa, whoa, I had
nothing to do with this.

Then how did this happen?

Well, I'm a platinum member
at all the hotel chains,

so they probably just saw
my name and upgraded us.

Well, I don't know if I'm
comfortable with this.

Oh, no problem.
Let me call the front desk

and see if they can switch
us to a room with two beds.

Ah, yes, we were wondering if we
might be able to switch rooms?

Uh-huh. I see.

So just a windowless single
with no water pressure?

No, you know what, it's fine.
We're already here.

My wife says, no, it's fine,
we're already here.

(CHUCKLES): Oh, you heard
that. Okay, thanks, anyway.

But don't get any ideas,

because nothing is gonna
happen between us.

You have nothing to worry about.

I'll be more of a gentleman
than John Wayne Bobbitt

with his second wife.

Hey, honey, would you
take out the trash?

Yes, yeah, absolutely.

(PANTING)

Love it, love it. What else?

Well, I have been dying to see
that new Rebel Wilson movie.

I hear she raps, like, a lot.

(SIGHS)

Let's just do this.

Okay, we have to get rid of this body

so your mom can't connect
us with the pizza.

Anybody got any ideas?

We could put a yarmulke on him

a-and dump him in the town square.

Pretend it's a hate crime.

Chris, come on. Where
we gonna get a yarmulke?

We should float him with
balloons, like in Up.

- Then he's the sky's problem.
- (ELECTRONIC DING)

- Oh, my God, he got a text.
- Brian, get it.

I'm not fishing it out of his
pants, 'cause I'm into chicks.

_

Oh, no. This means there are still
undelivered pizzas in his car.

The restaurant's gonna know

ours was the last one he dropped
off before he disappeared.

Oh, my God, that means
Mom will find out.

Which means we got to deliver
the rest of his pizzas.

And we'll leave him and
his car at the last stop.

Well, if we're going in the car,
that means I can take the iPad.

Mom said.

(MELLOW JAZZ PLAYING)

♪ ♪

Okay, it's showtime.

Ladies, you're looking wealthy tonight.

I'd like you to meet my husband.

We're married, hence the rings.

Enchanté.

I'm a pilot and I read books.

This is Madison Lexington-Broadway.

She runs a scholarship for
underprivileged WASPs

who can only afford Cornell.

My father sh**t elephants.

And Vivian Yachtbrunch,

who sailed directly into the
building from Turks and Caicos.

I summer in Antibes, and
I winter in the spring.

And, of course, Scowly Tight-Anus,

the granddaughter of both
Henry Tight and Randolph Anus.

We were a clipping on
the Jay Leno Program.

May I say that you have the
breasts of an obese woman

and the arms of an anorexic.

(GIGGLING, GASPING)

(' S VIDEO GAME FLOURISH PLAYS)

(CONTINUES MELLOW JAZZ MELODY)

(SONG ENDS)

Hey, this is a lot of fun for everybody.

Do you mind if I upstage
you at your job?

Attention, everybody,
this is your captain.

I'm not going to turn on
the "fasten seatbelt" sign.

You guys can do whatever you want.

(PASSENGERS APPLAUDING, WHOOPING)

Now I get it. I'm sorry
I played your saxophone.

God, this car is depressing.

He's got three ashtrays in use.

- Can you put on some music?
- There's no CD player.

Just a Discman with a cassette plug-in.

You ever heard of a band
called Special Delivery?

Oh, no. It's his band.

Oh, no.

Oh, they're all in uniforms,
God bless 'em.

Aw, dying on a stranger's
toilet seat is bad,

but this is real bad.

Dad, let's get back to the pizzas.

Right. We deliver the pizzas
and nobody calls the police.

Now, where's our first stop?

The police station.

(EXCLAIMS)

_

There are cameras everywhere.

We can't be seen leaving those pizzas.

But he can.

Good thinking, Chris. All those in favor

of Meg getting in the dead
guy's clothes with him

and scarecrowing him
in, raise your hand.

Fine, I'll do it.

But only 'cause I'm starved
for human contact

and he's not fully cold yet.

Well, if it isn't Georgie,
my fourth-best friend,

in the weirdly gray flesh.

Haven't seen you since
I ordered that calzone.

Hey, I hate to be the
bearer of bad shoes,

but your sneaker's untied.

(MEG SIGHS)

Hey, I heard your guitar got stolen,

so I swiped you a new one
from the evidence locker.

It used to belong to Martin Shkreli.

Surprisingly soulful balladeer.

Okay, fine, you can play
me a song to thank me.

Hmm, I'm hearing a little Clapton

mixed with hearing loss from
going to the g*n range too much.

We're one short on the suspect lineup.

Know anyone who could fill in?

JOE (OVER SPEAKER): Well,
the perpetrator was doing

a highly-choreographed routine

during the as*ault, so number three,

please step forward and perform
the zombie dance from "Thriller."

MEG (MUFFLED): Oh, come on.

JOE: Five, six, seven, eight.

♪ ♪

Whew. That was close.

I'm glad to be done delivering to places

that are too risky to
walk a dead body into.

- What's next?
- The cadaver dog training facility.

(EXCLAIMS)

- _
- (DOGS BARKING)

I've been waiting for you, Georgie.

I haven't eaten all day.

♪ ♪

The pizza guy's having a secret affair.

Oh, to be single and
dead again, huh, Chris?

Last stop.

I ordered another pizza.

Thank you all for coming tonight.

On your way out, please take
a complementary au pair.

And, of course, au pair
is French for "with jugs."

Your husband is remarkable.

I am hereby changing his designation

from "charming" to "a triumph."

Hear, hear.

Before you, the one who'd done
the best in our group was Joan.

She was married to a
functioning alcoholic.

All our husbands were
Christmas suicides.

Well, what can I say? I'm a lucky woman.

By the way, Lois, when
we get back to our room,

you can choose the streaming
service we watch tonight.

Even Crackle?

Eh, even Crackle.

Oh, thanks for being a
great husband tonight.

I mean, when you got
that standing ovation

for comparing the estate
tax to the Holocaust,

I felt like the belle of the ball.

I really enjoyed spending
time with you, too.

- So...
- So...

He's a good guy. Let him down easy.

When he goes for the kiss,
just tell him that...

Rose Byrne!

That's the actress I was
trying to remember earlier!

Always good but never a star.

Okay, I'll text Bonnie about that later.

♪ ♪

I want you...

to meet the cocktail waitress
I'm about to sleep with.

What?

This is Jenna. You might
remember her boobs

from hovering over your
shoulder while pouring wine.

I know I do.

(JENNA MOANING)

I remember you.

You're the lady who moved
her chair four times

because of the air conditioning
and then asked the band

if they could play a little quieter.

Two maracas. We get it...
you like to shake stuff.

But don't upstage the entrées.

Anyway, we're taking off now.

Enjoy Crackle.

I-I can't believe this.

Well, I guess I could always
go down to the business center

and get passively hit
on by all the losers.

All right, that's one ticket.

Economy plus.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

Checking bags.

Several.

Okay, and print.

And... time to go home.

I'm not staying here.
I just don't own a printer.

Oh, look who decided to show up.

Hey, Lois. That was some night.

You'll be happy to know
I was able to perform

on a four-inch-thick futon
in front of three roommates.

You know, the hotel sent
champagne up for us last night.

Oh, why didn't you send
it to me and Jenna?

Well, no sense wasting it.

(SIGHS): Ah...

Hey, did you end up
working out in the morning

like you said you were gonna?

What was it, minutes
cardio, then a Pilates class?

Did you do both of those?

No, I didn't do both of those.

- So just one?
- I did neither of them.

Ouch. Well, thanks
again for inviting me.

This has been fun.

First pee afterwards.

Whoa! (CHUCKLES)

Lois, I'm using all the towels.

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

- ♪
♪
- (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

... and then I said, "Not today, geese,"

and I landed that passenger
plane on the Hudson.

As someone who didn't
watch the news in

and doesn't care for Tom Hanks films,

that is the most riveting
story I have ever heard.

Ladies and gentleman, this is
your brunch captain speaking.

It's gonna be a bumpy ride, 'cause...

I'm making mimosas.

Only thing bumpy around here

is that strained airplane metaphor.

What is this, Mutters
Against Drunk Driving?

Lois, have a drink.

Ladies, I took the liberty
of requesting our meal

be soy-free, meat-free, gluten-free,

dairy-free, cage-free,
carb-free and cruelty-free.

And then I snuck you
each a cinnamon bun,

because all that other
stuff's for Democrats.

Oh, he's wonderful.

Lois, where did you find him?

Oh, you think he's so wonderful?

Last night he screwed
the cocktail waitress.

(ALL GASP)

(SOBBING)

I'm sorry, ladies. I have deceived you.

So I'll just collect my free au pair.

And one for my wife.

And I'll be on my way.

What is your problem?

- Get away from me.
- What's going on with you?

I thought I made such a good impression.

- We had those ladies fooled.
- Just leave me alone, Glenn.

I did exactly what you wanted.
I didn't make a move.

I didn't even come close.

(GROANS) That's the problem.

You wanted me to?

Well, I... I wanted you to try.

I wanted you to try.

Then I could sh**t you down
and feel sexually desirable

and morally superior.

But you're both those things.

Yeah, you say that now,

but last night you were
out boinking that waitress.

Now, how do you think
that made me feel, huh?

It made me feel like my
best years are behind me.

Well, that's not true at all.
I didn't make a move on you

because you're my best friend's wife.

That... that is true.

Besides, you know me.

I'm not a one-gal guy.

Last night I was with Jenna
for only four hours,

and I cheated on her with the woman

who was fixing the ice machine.

Hands were a little cold,
but we got there.

I used that ice.

Hopefully before : a.m.

Look, if you wanted a decent guy

who's only been into you and only you,

you should have brought Peter.

You know what? You're right.

So what if he drinks too much?

So what if he weighs too much?

So what if he thinks
Scrappy-Doo is the better Doo?

He's a loyal husband and a good man.

Oh, I should never have been
embarrassed to bring him.

And I shouldn't need the
attention of another man

- to feel sexy and young.
- That's right.

Hey, why don't we continue
our discussion in the shower?

- A little wet-à-tête.
- (GASPS) How dare you?

And thank you.

All right, Lois is gonna be home soon,

so we got to fix this now.

Why don't we just shove
him in the sewer,

let the clowns have at him?

I'm good with anything that
keeps Pennywise off my jock.

Sounds like a plan.

Hold on, Peter. This feels wrong.

We can't just dump him
facedown into raw sewage

without saying a few words.

You're right, Brian. I'll do the honors.

It feels like just yesterday

when he came into our lives
carrying a pizza we bought.

I always loved how he looked
around the house a little too much

while I was digging the
money out of my wallet.

And who can forget his
license plate number:

-G-something-something- .

More sweat than you're
used to seeing on a fella,

but that's what
moisture-wicking shirts are for.

His nails were dirty,
but his heart was pure.

Okay, time to drop him
in a river of dung.

He's stuck!

Oh, crap, it's Lois.

Peter, what the hell is going on?

You ordered pizza, didn't you?

- Yes, ma'am.
- Oh, I don't care.

I love you, Peter.

Mm.

And I have a confession for you:

I went to my high school
reunion this weekend,

and I didn't invite you.

What?

Thank you. Oh, thank you!