25x04 - Back to the Cold w*r

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

♪ I'm goin' down to South Park,
gonna have myself a time ♪

♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪

♪ Goin' down to South Park,
gonna leave my woes behind ♪

♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

♪ People spouting, "howdy, neighbor!" ♪

♪ Heading on up to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

♪ Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪

♪ Come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine ♪

[BELL RINGS]

Okay, children, let's take our seats.

I know there's a lot of things going on

and we're all a little bit worried.

I've heard some of you express
concern over current events,

so I think we should
discuss what's happening.

It is true...

Rick and I did get into
a fight over the weekend.

Now, I don't know what you've
heard and what you haven't,

but Rick was wrong, okay?

He's the one that needs to apologize.

We're not worried about that.
We're all worried about Putin.

Putin? It was just a little
noise when I pulled out.

Nobody was "pootin," okay?

And anyway, you kids shouldn't
be talking about that stuff!

Geez!

Uh, kids, I need your attention!

We're doing an emergency
drill this morning, m'kay.

A drill?

M'kay, now, we haven't
done these in a long time,

but we need to be prepared if
the Russians decide to nuke us.

Now, when you hear this sound...

The Russians are nuking us.

Then you need to quickly
and calmly get out of your seats

and get to the gymnasium, m'kay?

The Russians are nuking us.

The Russians are [BLEEP] nuking us! Go!

Go, go, go! We're all gonna die!

Come on! Come on!
The missiles are coming!

They've lost their minds! Run!

Get to the gym! Get to the gym!

Come on!

Come on, we're getting nuked!
Everyone to the gym!

It's our only chance!

[CHILDREN SCREAMING]

Under the bleachers! Go!

Come on, move! Everyone's going to die!

[SCREAMING CONTINUES]

[SCREAMING STOPS]

M'kay. That was... seconds.

That's not bad, m'kay.

Now, if this were real,
we would just all stay here

and wait to hear from
our government and maybe,

maybe listen to some appropriate music,

like we did back in the ' s.

♪ Take your baby by the hand ♪

♪ Do the next thing that you feel ♪

- _
- ♪ I said... ♪

NARRATOR: Starring...

Butters.

Stephen and Linda Stotch.

Melancholy the Horse.

And the comedy of Vladimir Putin.

♪ Dancehall days, love ♪

Hi, Katie!

Hi, Kelly!

Oh, my gosh. Pixie
looks so pretty today.

Thanks! I braided my pony's tail.

Hi, Josslyn! Hi, Staci Mae!

GIRLS: Hi, Butters.

Alright, pony riders.

We've got a big
competition this weekend,

so let's line up and do our rails.

Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad!

Don't wave at us, Butters!

Judges hate when they wave.
He needs to not do that.

Okay, Staci Mae, nice trot.
Here comes the jump.

Good. Very nice. Okay, next.

Good, Heather.

That's good control of Sunshine. Good.

Okay, Butters, come on. You're next.

Come on, Butters. Come on!

[POLE CLUNKS]

Oh! He clunked it!

It's okay. It's okay.

Good job, Butters. Good job.

[BLEEP]!

We should just pull
Butters out of dressage.

He sucks at this.

Oh, we can't pull him out. He loves it.

Don't you understand, Linda? I'm scared.

The big competition is this weekend.

Butters will be going
up against the Russians.

Oh, look, here comes the Russian now.

- Boo!
- Boo!

Boo, Russia! Booooo!

Hey, what are you
booing a little kid for?

Don't you know who that is?

That's Dan Solokov's kid!

Dan Solokov who works at
the Ace Hardware over in Meeker?

Even the kid's pony
is a Russian Etruscan!

You piece-a-sh*t communist!

You won't take our
freedoms away! Boo, Russia!

♪ Games without frontiers ♪

♪ w*r without tears ♪

- ♪ Jeux sans frontières ♪
- [KNOCK ON DOOR]

Yeah?

Mr. Mackey, I'd like
to have a word with you.

Oh, yeah, yes, of course, PC Principal.

I see that you've,
uh, called for another

nuclear emergency drill this afternoon?

Yes, that's right. We
are going to be prepared.

Well, Mr. Mackey, this
is the seventh drill

that we've done in two days.

And I see that you also put in
the budget for a b*mb shelter

and VHS copies of "Red Dawn."

VHS is still really the best
format when you think about it.

Mr. Mackey, I'm starting to
worry that this is sort of...

nostalgic for you,

like you're kind of enjoying this.

Enjoying it?

My job is to have this school ready.

Kids need to know what
Russia is capable of.

Ah-staff meen-ya if pahk-oye.

You speak Russian?

No, but I watched "Hunt For Red October"

like times.

Mr. Mackey, I'm not asking you.

I'm telling you...
Stop with all the drills

and stop putting ideas
into our students' heads.

No, you... You're right, of course.

I'm... I'm over-reacting.

Okay.

M'kay.

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]

Alright, Butters, you've
just got two more days

before the dressage competition.

I'll do my best, Dad.

You're gonna have to do
better than that, Butters.

You see that little
Russian kid over there?

That kid doesn't give a sh*t about you.

He just wants to win

and take what little
patriotism our country has left.

That kid?

You didn't live through the
Cold w*r, Butters, but we did.

This tournament is gonna be turned into

a political spectacle,
and you have to win.

Otherwise, I'm afraid we'll
have to give your pony away

to communists who
slaughter ponies and donkeys

to make skin cream.

That's mostly the Chinese,
but a commie's a commie.

Better dead than red, Butters.

Oh, Jesus! Not Melancholy!

Now, that little prick
is trying to intimidate you.

I want you to go in there and
show him how an American rides.

[CLICKS TONGUE] Come on, boy!

Butters! Butters, what
the hell are you doing?!

Well, I dunno!

You have to learn control!

[CLICKS TONGUE]
Come on, Melancholy, come on!

GIRLS: Ewwww!

Butters, what the hell is that?!

What is what? Oh, geez!

Put that thing away, Melancholy!

Jesus, Linda, what are we gonna do?

- _
- [MICROFICHE WHIRRING AND CLICKING]

_

What are you up to, you piece of sh*t?

Hello, sir.

I just needed to talk to somebody.

I've been having some problems at home.

Uh-huh, m'kay, that's nice.
That's good to hear.

Why don't you just, uh, sit
there and tell me about it?

Well, it's just my parents.

You see, a few months
ago, I saw this little girl

riding a pony and I said,
"Whoa! I wanna do that!"

Uh-huh.

So we found a stable and a trainer,

and I started to learn dressage.

And I got to lease a pony,
and his name is Melancholy.

Yeah, yeah, that must be tough.

I'm sorry to hear that, m'kay.

Well, I love to ride Melancholy.

But now I'm feeling all
this pressure to win.

My parents said I have to win

because it's against the Russians.

M'kay, we...

The what?

It's the Russians.

I mean, I guess they're
just really good at dressage,

But now my dad says it's
a matter of national security.

M'kay. Butters.

Don't move your head.

Don't move my head? I...

Uh, uh! They're probably watching us,

so keep acting like
you're asking me for help.

Well, o-okay, but I kind of am
asking you for help, ya know,

because I'm feeling
really lost and miserable.

That's good. Now listen carefully.

What did your parents tell you?

Well, they said if I
don't do well at dressage,

it could mean the end
of all of our freedoms.

Jesus Christ.

M'kay, well, Butters, you know,

sometimes troubles at
home can be bad, m'kay.

[SOFTLY] I need you to
tell me everything you know

about dressage.

We need to have
a serious talk, Melancholy,

and I need you to listen.

There's a time to poop,
and there's a time to work.

And the best thing is to
poop when your work is done.

I-It's like when I'm in the classroom,

sometimes I have to poop,

but I have to wait until lunch break.

If I really have to go, I can
raise my hand to ask politely.

But if you stop and poop
while we're competin',

the judges are gonna deduct points.

And then the Russians will b*at us,

and then you're gonna get
turned into Chinese skin cream!

We have to do this, Melancholy.

You and me have to
focus like never before.

Now, let's go show them what we can do!

Let's go! [CLICKS TONGUE]

[EPIC MUSIC PLAYS]

That's it! You got it, boy!

Nope! Nope! Melancholy!

Over the jump, boy!

Come on, Melancholy!

What? W-Where are you going?

Melancholy, back to the jump!

Whoa, Melancholy! Whoa!

W-What are you doing now?!

Now I'm not sure what's goin' on here.

No! No! No! Melancholy! Bad pony!

I'm sorry, ma'am!
Melancholy, to the jump!

♪♪

[CHORUS SINGING IN RUSSIAN]

- [g*n CLICKS]
- What are you doing here?

Don't sh**t...

I-I'm just the school counselor...

Mr. Stotch?

Mr. Mackey?

What the hell are you doing here?!

What the hell are you doing here?

I'll ask the questions,
I've got the g*n!

We were just... having a look around...

We weren't going to mess
with the Russian pony.

I-I promise.

Shut up, Linda.

Mr. and Mrs. Stotch, you know...

Your son has been having some problems

on the playground at school.

What kind of problems?

Well, you know, bullies, and, uh,

pressure for marijuana,
you know, with...

Don't [BLEEP] move!

Now I want some g*dd*mn answers.

So you want them to win,
huh? You're a traitor.

- I'm not the traitor.
- Yeah, right...

Since when do you care about dressage?

Since I found out the
principal is a Russian spy.

A what?!

There's something
very big going on here,

and I think it involves your son.

Mr. Mackey... we were just here to try

and give that pony diarrhea
by feeding it Erewhon.

It's the truth.

We're on your side.

I think I understand
what's going on now...

The Communists are gonna use
the pony show as justification...

to fire the missiles.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Welcome, everyone, to the
and under pony dressage finals.

We want to thank everyone
for coming out today

to support these little riders.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

This is it, Melancholy.

We have to do this.

We have to be classy.
We're not gonna poop.

We're not gonna get a boner,
and we're certainly not gonna

have unwarranted sex with the ladies.

Please, boy... We have
got to get this right.

Hi, Mom.

Well, hi, junior!
What a surprise, m'kay!

Mom... I need to use
something in my old room.

Well, sure, come on in!

Everything is still
just as you left it, son.

Mom, I think World w*r
is about to start.

I'm gonna do what I can
to protect our country!

Oh, uh, m'kay, honey,
I'll make you a snack.

[COMPUTER WHIRRING]

Hello, Mr. Mackey.

[MODEM CONNECTING]

_

[STATIC, POWERS DOWN]

The Russians are nuking us.

What the hell was that?

Someone from the outside is logged into

the m*ssile defense system!

Well, kick them out!
Shut off the Wi-Fi!

It's not coming in on Wi-Fi!

It's some old, archaic technology!

X = "The Russians are nuking us."

Print X, goto .

Run.

_

[ALL GASP]

What are they trying to do?!

It's just repeating the
same line over and over.

How did they get it to do that?!

Sir! The computers are
taking us to DEFCON !

[KLAXON BLARING]

[ALL GASP]

Jesus Christ... It's dressage.

_

_

_

_

President Putin!

♪ When two tribes go to w*r ♪

♪ A point is all that you can score ♪

♪ Score them all, score them all ♪

♪ When two tribes go to w*r ♪

♪ A point is all that you can score ♪

♪ Working for the black gas ♪

♪ Cowboy number one ♪

♪ A born-again poor man's son ♪

♪ Poor man's son ♪

♪ On the air America ♪

♪ I modeled shirts by Van Heusen ♪

♪ Working for the black gas ♪

- ♪ Yeah ♪
- Oooh, no! No!

♪ You know ♪

♪ When two tribes go to w*r ♪

♪ A point is all that you can score ♪

♪ Score them all, score them all ♪

♪ When two tribes go to w*r ♪

♪ A point is all you can score ♪

♪ Working for the black gas ♪

♪ Switch off your shield ♪

- ♪ Switch off and feel ♪
- We're running out of time!

Take missiles to DEFCON !

Here's your Sunny Delight
and Steak-umms, honey.

Get outta my room, Mom, God!

Get outta my room.

Sweetheart... are you m'kay?

'Course I'm not m'kay...

But you wouldn't understand
'cause you're a grown-up.

Honey... as your mother,

I want you to know you can talk to me

about whatever you want.

Even if it's about being
scared of gettin' old.

Things used to be so much simpler, Mama.

There was a good guy
and a... and a bad guy.

And we all... sort of came together

and loved our country...

Not like it is now.

Ohhh, junior.

I know that gettin' old
isn't so much fun, is it?

We all wanna go back to
a time when we were younger.

You're getting to be around .

Your pee-pee doesn't
work so good, does it?

How'd you know about that, Mom?

Well, I'm your mom, honey.

When a man gets to a
point where his pee-pee

doesn't work the way it
used to, he starts to...

well, sit in his room and
play w*r games again, you know?

But, honey, those times weren't better.

We were all scared.

People d*ed.

That's not something to
strive to get back to.

You're right, mama...

I've been bad.

Oh, you're not bad...

No, I'm bad...

No, no sweetheart.

It... It just felt good
'cause it was familiar.

That's just sort of
what us old people do.

It all comes down to this.

# Davey Solokov and
his Russian Etruscan.

If he completes this last
rail, he will be the winner.

We're all dead, Linda.

Rider... please demonstrate your trot.

It's Okay, Melancholy...
We did our best...

Whoa... Where you goin', Melancholy?

And here is the rail.

Wait a minute... we have
another pony in the ring!

[ALL GASP]

What's he doing?

What's he doing?!
He's fighting for democracy!

Go, Butters!

ALL: [CHANTING] Butters! Butters!

Melancholy! Bad!

Ahghg!

[HORSE WHINNIES]

... ... ...

He's got 'em!

... .. ... You're out!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Let me... Let me though! Let me through!

Mackey, we did it!

I know! It's amazing!

This is all a dream come true!

You know... the past few days,
I've been re-living the past.

But during this tournament,
I started to change.

And I just wanna say to the Russians...

That if I can change,

then yous can change!

I know how it is when
you're gettin' old, you know,

and you start getting aggressive

because your d*ck doesn't
work the way it used to.

Da...

Da...

But just because our dicks don't work

doesn't mean we should go
back to the way things were.

In the immortal words of Sting...

We all share the same biology.

Regardless of ideology.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪ I wonder if Russians get
diarrhea from Erewhon too ♪