01x25 - The Muh-Muh-Muh-Murder

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Looney Tunes Show". Aired: May 3, 2011 - November 2, 2013.*
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Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck and the rest of the `Looney Tunes' characters are back with new adventures.
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01x25 - The Muh-Muh-Muh-Murder

Post by bunniefuu »

[instrumental music]

Three people, one slice.

Classic scenario.

What to do? What to do?

I mean, nobody wants to be
the one to take the last slice..

chomp chomp

Uh, w-what?

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

I hope you saved room
for the bill!

[laughs]

Let me get yours, Porky.

I-I still feel bad
about you losing your job.

Oh, no, it's okay.
I got a new job.

I'm gonna do,
uh, doing catering.

Catering? Nobody wants
a pig handling their food.

Besides, isn't that
a lot of temptation?

I mean, your name's not
Health And Fitness Pig.

It's Porky Pig! Am I right?

[laughs]

Couldn't you at least pretend
to reach for your wallet?

I don't have a wallet. Besides,
I shouldn't have to pay.

It's my birthday.

Your birthday's
not until next week.

Oh-ho, we're well within
the birthday zone.

[cell phone ringing]

It's Lola.

Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Slow down! Lola, calm down.

Lola, stop.
I-I can't understand you.

Where are you? Where are you?

Okay, I-I'm coming.

I gotta go. Lola broke her leg.

Oh, dear. Yeah, p-poor Lola.

Don't feel bad for her.

You're the one
who got stuck with the bill.

Am I right?

You guys are too sensitive.

[instrumental music]

[laughing]

Oh. Oh, hey, Bugs.

- What are you doing here?
- You called me.

You were hysterical!

Oh, right!

It's a simple fracture.

She'll have the cast off
in about six weeks.

- How did it happen?
- It's crazy.

(Lola)
I was out buying cupcakes

when I noticed a baby

stuck on top of a building.

I knew I had to save that baby

so I finished my cupcake

and shimmied up the drain pipe,
when suddenly

the drain pipe started
coming lose from the building!

(Bugs)
And you fell
and broke your leg?

(Lola)
No, I let go of the drain pipe
just in time

and grabbed hold
of the telephone wire.

So there I was,
hanging from the wire.

I started swinging myself
back and forth

until finally I flung myself
as high as I could

hoping I would make it
to the roof

but I didn't make it
to the roof.

I was totally out of control

and I went crashing through

a giant, plate-glass window!

(Bugs)
And that's when
you broke your leg?

(Lola)
No, I landed flat on my back

in the middle
of some girl's apartment.

She was super sweet. We're
totallyhaving lunch next week.

Anyway, I found my way
to the elevator

but it was out of service,
so I had to pry open the doors

and throw myself
into the elevator shaft.

(Bugs)
You fell down
an elevator shaft?

(Lola)
Will you please just listen?

I caught the elevator cables

I pulled myself up
hand over hand

until I finally reached the top

where I kicked the grate open
with my feet

and catapulted myself
onto the roof

but right before
I could grab the baby

it turned, and I realized
it wasn't a baby

it was a crow!

- And it att*cked me.
- What?

(Lola)
I tried to fend it off,
but he was one of those

angry crows,
and no matter what I did

he kept attacking,
he wouldn't stop

and he just kept attacking
and attacking

until, finally,
I lost my balance

and fell 15 stories!

(Bugs)
And that's when
you broke your leg.

(Lola)
No, I landed
on an inflatable gorilla

in front of a car dealership.

So how did you break your leg?

Oh, I was here for a checkup

and I slipped
getting up on this table.

It's really high.
You should try it.

No, wait, don't.
You'll break your leg like me.

She's a keeper.

[instrumental music]

- What are we doing here?
- I'm, uh, d-dropping you off.

Bugs isn't here.
How am I supposed to get inside?

- Uh, u-use your keys.
- I don't have keys.

So you don't have a, a
wallet
or k-k-keys?

Porky, I'm a spiritual being.

I'm not interested
in material possessions.

Ooh, can I have these?

Just take me to your house.

Um, uh, c-can't I drop you
off
at Tina's?

Tina's at work.

Why don't you wanna take me
to your house?

Oh, no, no, it's just...

- It's just what?
- Oh, nothing, I'm...

You're what? What are you up to?
What are you hiding?

[stammering]
Nothing.

Aha! You were hiding these.

All I'm saying is,
you need to be charming

to do catering.
You're not charming.

Uh, just go watch TV.

Uh, I've got some, uh,
c-cooking to do.

Huh, catering.

You should get a job
where you don't have

to interact with people,
maybe something with a computer

where, where people don't have
to look at you.

That would be good for you

'cause you're a creepy recluse
who keeps to himself.

(man on TV)
'Breaking news in the case'

'of the suburban strangler.'

Until now, the police have had
little to go on

other than the assumption
that the k*ller

'is a creepy recluse
who keeps to himself.'

Huh, that's how
I just described Porky.

But now a witness
has come forward

giving police a physical
description of the suspect.

The guy we're looking for
is chubby

short and bald

'with a pig-like nose.'

"Chubby, short and bald

with a pig-like nose?"

If you see anyone
matching this description

call 9-1-1.

[thud]

[thud]

[thud]

Mother!

[Daffy groans]

[clock ticking]

What happened? Where am I?

[clock ticking]

[gasps]
I'm in Porky's house.

[gasps]
Porky's the suburban strangler!

I gotta call 9-1-1! Ah!

I don't remember
the number for 9-1-1.

Think. Think, man.

I know, I'll call 4-1-1

and ask them
for the number for 9-1-1.

Ah! I don't know
the number for 4-1-1!

I'll call Bugs!

He's filled
with useless information

like emergency phone numbers.

He cut the phone line.

Aah!

[thud]

Porky, you scared me,
not that you're scary.

'I just didn't expect you
to be standing there'

like a psychopath.
Not that you're a psychopath.

Are you, uh, feeling better?

Mm-hmm. Much better.
All better, in fact.

I should probably be
getting home.

I'm sure Bugs is back by now.

Oh, o-okay, I'll drive you.

Wait, they say
never let your attacker

take you to a second location.

Uh, w-what?

If you drive me to my house

you'd be taking me
to a second location.

- So?
- Nice try, chubby.

But you're not taking me
anywhere.

Uh, you think I'm chubby?

You're not just chubby

you're chubby, short and bald

with a pig-like nose.

Aah! Uh, well, you're rude!

Awfully sensitive
for a wanted k*ller.

Thanks for getting all my stuff.

I really feel like I'm at home.

squeak

Remind me again
why you're not at home.

Uh, because you're
taking care of me

and you live here.
See? I'm doing you a favor.

- Gee, thanks.
- You won't even know I'm here.

- Oh, Bugs?
- Yes?

I'm kind of thirsty.

Would you mind getting me
a glass of milk?

- Milk?
- Oh, no, wait.

I'm allergic to milk.
How about a soda?

Diet soda, though.
Oh, no, wait, regular soda.

I need the calories.

You know what?
Sorry, soda's bad for you.

How about an orange juice?
No, wait, apple juice.

No, orange juice.

No! Apple juice. You know what?

Just give me the milk
and we'll see what happens.

- What's that?
- Water.

Oh! It's just what I wanted.

gulp gulp

Ah! I got to pee.

[Bugs groans]

When do you get
your cast off, again?

Only six weeks.

[Bugs groaning]

[crickets creaking]

[door creaking]

[door creaking]

(Daffy)
'Canopy bed,
embroidered pillows'

lace curtains?

This is either the bedroom

of an 80-year-old woman

or a deranged k*ller.

No knives, no g*ns,
no body parts.

[gasps]

'Great day in the morning!'

How many sunglasses
does one pig need?

Is it possible that Porky's
not the suburban strangler?

Could it be
that he just happens to be

chubby, short and bald

and I'm jumping
to an outlandish conclusion

because I'm a paranoid,
hateful, fear mongerer?

[instrumental music]

No, that's the face of a k*ller.

[door opens]

[dramatic music]

beep beep

Uh, it's me.
Yeah, it has to be tonight.

I, uh, I-I think he's on to me.

Uh, c-come pick up Daffy,
when I'm done with him.

'He'll be in the, the garage'

'in the, the freezer.'

click

[stammering]
What is all this?

I gotta get out of here.

[whimpering]

He's locked me in!

[grunts]

(Porky)
Uh, w-where are you going?

Oh, uh, nowhere.

I-I was just
getting a little hungry.

Yeah, well, let me make you
something. How about a sandwich?

Oh, why, thank you.
I would love a sandwich.

He's toying with me.

He's gonna chop me up
into a million pieces.

He's gonna cook me.
he's gonna wear me.

Wait a minute, calm down.

This is Porky
you're talking about.

You've known him
your whole life.

He wouldn't hurt a fly!

He's a sweetheart.

Oh, no.
I've got Stockholm syndrome.

I've fallen in love
with my captor!

It's a, a chopped liver.

- Whose?
- Uh, what?

[Daffy gasps]

[giggles]

You know what?

I just realized I'm not hungry.

I think I should lie back down.

[clattering]

[clattering]

[shattering]

'Sorry.'

[door shuts]

[dramatic music]

(Porky)
'Uh, w-what're you doing?'

Oh, is this not the bathroom?

My mistake. I thought
this was the bathroom.

Do, uh, not go in there.


I wouldn't dream of it.

I-if you'll excuse me

I-I have
some business to attend to.

"I have
some business to attend to."

That's what a k*ller says
right before he kills!

Or is it, "Get in the van?"

No, it's, "I have
some business to attend to."

[clattering]

[dramatic music]

[stairs squeaking]

[thud]

[gasps]

[shivering]
That poor woman.

Well, at least it's over.

[chainsaw whirring]

[screams]

(Porky)
'Uh, D-Daffy?'

[teeth chattering]

Can I help you?

Uh, uh, I thought
I heard you downstairs.

Nope. Been here the whole time.

Just reading the paper.

Yesterday's news.

Uh, can I bring you some tea?

[chuckles]
That sounds lovely!

[door creaking]

What could be in here? Bodies?

t*rture machines?
Why do I wanna go in there?

Because I was told not to and
I've a problem with authority.

[dramatic music]

[gasps]

Hey, Lola.
I got you Chinese food.

Lola? Lola?

(Lola)
'Coming!'

[whirring]

- What is that?
- It's a stair lift.

I felt so bad that you were
having to carry me up and down.

So I had one installed
while you were gone.

It's top of the line.
That's why it's so quiet.

'Almost there.'

'Here I come.'

'Just a few more steps.'

'Ooh, a-a-and'

almost there. Okay.

Here I come.

There. What's that?

- Your Chinese food.
- That's not Chinese food.

Chinese food's flat and round
with cheese and tomato sauce

and a bunch of different
toppings.

That's called pizza.

Oh, I don't know.
I don't speak Chinese.

Uh, thanks!

[door opens]

Oh, I think I have to pee again.

It's okay, here we go.

Now we're really moving.
Now we're going.

'Alright, come on. Here we go.'

[kettle whistling]

[dramatic music]

[humming]

[music continues]

Huh?

[humming]

[music continues]

Uh, what are,
what are you doing in here?

[gasps]

I know what you're up to!

Uh, t-then you leave me
no choice.

Make it fast,
I don't deserve the suffer.

I mean, I probably do,
but I don't want to!

'Happy b-birthday!'

Say what?

Uh, I-I know it's early, but, uh

you said
you knew my secret, so..

I-I hope you like it.

Acollage made out

of assorted photos of me?

What on Earth would possess you
to make something this creepy?

Uh, b-because that's what you,
uh, s-specifically told me

you wanted for your birthday.
Uh, you sent me the photos.

So you don't wanna m*rder me?

Uh, w-why would
I wanna m*rder you?

[gasps]
Only a m*rder*r
would ask that question.

[screams]

[grunts]

[mumbles]

[thud]

- Uh..
- Huh?

Hey, Speed-Speedy.

Speedy?
What did you do to Speedy?

Look, who's got a wallet
and keys now, chubby!

[groans]

[engine sputters]

[grunts]

[screams]

[tires screeching]

[thud]

[screaming]

Six weeks.

[screaming]

That's a good way
to k*ll somebody!

Whoa! Whoa!

[engine revving]

[whimpering]

In your face!

[screams]

Oh.

[gibberish]

Oh, no! I'm too late!

[bells jingling]

Speedy!

[gasps]

(all)
Surprise!

[bells jingling]

Oh, I-I missed it.

Happy early birthday, Daffy!

Pinky was planning to throw this
on your actual birthday

but he called in and said
we'd have to do it tonight

because you were
getting suspicious.

You're lucky to have
such a nice friend.

Nice friend
or the suburban strangler?

- Oh!
- Strangler?Que? Que?

I'm, I'm not
the suburban strangler.

He trapped me in his home.

He locked the door
so I couldn't escape!

Uh, w-what?
Uh, the door wasn't locked.

Well, then, how come

I couldn't just open it
like this?

[grunts]

No, just pull it, man.

It-it's not that heavy.

Kids use it all the time,
little kids.

[grunting]

[exhales sharply]

It doesn't matter!

What does matter
is that you cut the phone line

so I couldn't call for help!

Uh, are you talking about
the phone in the guest room?

It-it's an antique,
it-it's just for decoration.

Then how do you explain
the blood on your hands?

Uh, t-this is paint

for the banner
I made for your party.

You may have
all these people fooled

but I saw you m*rder a woman!

Uh, w-what?

With a chainsaw!

Uh, t-that was
an ice sculpture o-of you!

[bells jingling]

What's going on?

Daffy's surprise party.

I thought that was supposed
to be next week.

Uh..

(man on TV)
'We interrupt this program'

with a special alert.

The suburban strangler
has been captured.

You gotta admit
there's a strong
resemblance.

Am I right?

If anyone's gonna m*rder you,
it's me.

What's that thing?

Don't worry,
I'm getting rid of it.

I got you pizza.
What is this?

I didn't know when you'd be
back, so I ordered Chinese food.

You want some?

Mm-mmm. You can really taste
the kung pao.

It is strong. Mm..

(Daffy)
'Oh, no,
you're not getting rid of this.'

I'm never walking
upstairs again.

[whirring]

Mm, mm..

[theme music]

I still think
Porky is the m*rder*r.
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