01x09 - Fans Only

[bunniefuu]

AMY: So this is technically
an Irish pub. Is it?

- Mm.
- I mean, the four-leaf clover.

I don't know. Anyway. Oh, it's Henry.

"Where are you at? It's
almost sex o'clock."

Ooh.

- Just block him.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, I put this on my tab, by the way.

Oh, Amy, in lieu of cash,
can I give you a gift card

to Fields or Les and Cathy's Coffee?

Free refills on Tuesdays before : .

In lieu? Are we French?

- Jodie, did you rob a CVS?
- What?

- Yeah.
- No. I buy all these at the supermarket

so that they go on the food bill

and then Dan doesn't know when
I'm spending money on myself.

Oh, my God.

Well, there's a business
degree put to good use.

- Right?
- Oh, it's tragic.

WAITER: Here's your check, ladies.

Take the leftovers with me.

Oh, my God. Are you homeless?

No, I'm minimum wage.

I have to do things on the cheap now.

- Ahh.
- Seriously?

- Hi.
- Let's go, ma'am.

Where... Whoa! Discrimination!

- Whoa, whoa!
- Brutal!

Against people with no money!

- You see this?
- That took an interesting turn.

Jodie, will you grab my phone?

Yep, got it.

Anyway, I have got to go.

Got to be back home
in "sexteen" minutes.

- You leave the tip.
- Wait! I don't own cash.

Um...

♪♪

♪ Hey! ♪

♪♪

- [ALARM BEEPING]
- Oh, God.

Oh, God. Just five more minutes.

Mm.

Oh, my G... Oh, my God.

- What?
- What are you doing?

I'm just looking at you.

Why? Oh, come on.

- Who does that? That's weird.
- Because, um,

I love you and I think you're gorgeous,

and you have a little
something in your hair...

- Oh, God.
- ... maybe oatmeal.

Mmm.

That was a teething biscuit.

- Really good.
- Oh.

Julia's getting a molar, so...

All right, I'm gonna take a shower.

No, hey. Don't you, uh...

Don't you want to get
dirty before you get clean?

Oh, my God. Again? We
just did it last night.

I just can't get enough of you.

- Come on.
- What... Hold on.

I can feel a little bit extra.

- Oh, that's disappointing. It was just toothpaste.
- Oh.

Look, if you're having an affair

and you're doing this out of guilt,

I'm good. I'm really good.

And maybe cut your toenails.

I'm growing them out for you.

♪♪

- You guys!
- Regret. It's regret.

You guys, I have the
most scandalous gossip.

Thanks for this.

One of the other moms at school
got found out for having...

an OnlyThrills account.

I know. I know.

Can someone please tell
me what OnlyThrills is?

You don't know?

It's a website where normal,
ugly people can be p*rn stars,

and they do either sexy
stuff or just mundane things

like washing dishes or eating.

Look, I bookmarked the mother.

- Look at her.
- Oh!

- Whoa.
- I can't believe we know a sex worker.

She's not a sex worker, Jodie.

She's pulling in $ k a year

letting people watch her
suds up her lopsided boobs.

- Oh, you guys, her boobs are lopsided, look.
- Mm-hmm.

Half of her had fun in high school, huh?

Wait, guys.

People aren't even showing
their faces on this.

Look at this one.

This is just someone's feet
being squirted with baby oil.

Wait. People will pay to look at feet?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

In other news, Jodie,
you're fake spiritual.

Is there any planets
in retrograde right now,

or like a horny moon rising,

because Henry's all over my jock.

We had sex last night, this morning.

It's unprecedented.

Did you know that you can burn
up to calories making love?

Gross. Nobody's "making love."

We're boffing, okay?

A lot. It's obscene.

I mean, the rest is pretty standard.

I have prettier feet
than anyone on here.

Yeah, you have very pretty feet,

and now you're just
giving it away for free

every time you wear a flip-flop.

- Do you think?
- No!

- Sarah!
- What?

- You cannot!
- Why?

Why can't I have a side hustle?

I want to buy that sofa I've been
visiting at Carol Convertibles.

God, I would love to take her home.

It's sad you're more
excited about a sofa

than any girl you've ever dated.

- It's that soft.
- Wait, so you're gonna get naked?

On camera?

On the Internet?!

Jodie, calm down. It's just my feet.

I've been using my brain
my whole life to get by.

Now I'm gonna use my bod.

- That-a-girl.
- Well, I could never.

I mean, I am a mom, after all.

Ah! Yeah. To the left.

- Just a little.
- Okay, okay.

Swing your knee over this... this way.

- Oh.
- [CLATTERING]

Okay.

There we go. Um, can we
just pull the booster out?

No, they're impossible to get in.

- They take forever.
- Um...

Oh, this is rough.

You know what? We can take it out.

I have a manual in the glovebox.

No, no, no. Hey, no, no.

It's not your fault. It's mine.

I mean, you're this... this classy lady,

and I don't even have
anywhere for us to be together.

I should never have let my mom
put her beer fridge in my room.

She's always barging in now,
especially in the mornings.

- Oh, no.
- I know, right?

It's so fattening.

It's not like we can boff at my place.

- What?
- Oh. Amy put it in my head.

Oh.

You know what, Jodie? This
just lights a fire under me

to get my fitness empire off the ground.

You know, I mean, I'm already
basically an influencer.

I just need a couple more
pec result photos and...

Yeah. Once I have my own chain of gyms,

we can have sex in one of those.

Ah! And this lights a fire under me

to get my organizing business going.

- Yeah!
- But that could take years.

- Look at us. Future power couple.
- Aww.

Is there anywhere we
can rent for an hour?

We'll need cash for that. I'm on it.

I'm so tired from just
running around with the kids all day.

We were painting,

and we must have blown
like , bubbles.

I mean, honestly, how
many bubbles can one blow?

Um, Julia ate a puzzle piece, okay?

- So just be on the lookout for that.
- Yeah.

I think it was, like, a cat's claw.

Like the end of a cat's
claw or something like that.

- Henry.
- Hmm?

What is going on with you?
Why are you so into me?

Are you participating
in a male hormone study?

You're just hotter than ever.

I don't know. I cut my toenails.

I know. I can tell.

This is a little alarming, okay?

Who are you imagining I am?

It better be someone unattainable

like Angelina Jolie or Cleopatra.

Those women are gross,
and one of them's dead. Mm.

This is a little embarrassing to admit,

but since you started
being a hands-on mom...

- In the afternoons?
- Yes.

You've made a choice to
spend more time with the kids,

and it brought out a new side of you.

What? What side?

You know, like, more
nurturing and caring.

You've stopped army
crawling under the windows

so the kids don't know you're home.

You don't call Luke "the one
with the brown hair" anymore.

You know what a teething biscuit is.

I mean, come on. You're maternal.

You've changed. It's a turn-on.

- Unbelievable.
- What is that?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Honey, it's a compliment.

Oh, my God.

You're basically saying that you
weren't attracted to who I was

before I started mothering
the kids... in the afternoons.

- Is "mothering" a word?
- [SIGHS]

Not what I said. Not what I said.

And yes, I think so.

Well, it doesn't matter
if you said it or not.

It's what I heard, so
I'm finally the woman

that you wish you married.

Then great for you.

I-I'm kind of confused
how this is a bad thing.

- [SIGHS]
- JULIA: Mama.

[WHIMPERS]

Julia's teething. I need to go.

Try to keep it in your pants.

I... [MUTTERS]

- Mommy's coming.
- Oh, boy, that's hot.

- You really need this?
- Yes!

My feet need a lot of light.

I-I want it to look
like they're on vacation.

Mm. This is Evan's desk
lamp, and I feel dirty.

Stop being such a prude.

I am letting you sh**t
erotica in my house.

- Oh, grow up.
- AMY: Ughhhh!

- Where are your kids?
- What? They're downstairs with yours.

Is that the first thing that
people think of when they see me?

No. I think your hair's too blonde.

- What?
- It's just, it washes you out a little,

but it's not as brassy as it was.

Oh, my God. Okay. Well,
Henry doesn't seem to mind.

Did he actually say that?

Okay, he's obsessed with me right now,

ever since I started taking care
of the kids in the afternoon.

Guys, he called me...

- He called me "maternal."
- Aww.

You did tell me to be careful
at a crosswalk the other week.

No, I didn't. Did I?

Mm-hmm. You did.

I don't recognize myself.

Oh, that's why all the boffing.

- The what?
- The boffing.

- The sex.
- Oh, right.

- You sound like a little British man when you say it.
- Oh, thanks.

Well, it is derived from Middle English.

Okay. When did this turn
into a Shakespeare class?

My husband wishes I was somebody else.

No, he just likes the new you.

Well, if Coleen had never d*ed,

I never would have started
going home in the afternoons

to take care of the kids, and
he never would have realized

how unhappy he was.

Mnh-mnh.

Jodie, can I get a, um, a
pillow for under my foot?

I just want to... I want to prop it up.

Like, a decorative one.

Just to be clear, you
would never do this for me.

Guys, I'm not doing
it again tonight, okay?

I have actual work to do,

and I am not gonna
get a UTI for his kink.

Amy, you should be happy your husband

wants to have sex with you.

The old you, the new
you, the brassy you.

What's this "brassy" thing?

You know, if more men were like him,

- OnlyThrills wouldn't even exist.
- [SIGHS]

Jodie, this pillow looks cheap.

Do you have a... a classier one?

But it's perfect for your seedy clients!

[GASPS] You don't know they're seedy!

- This is mine.
- Jodie, you're being a baby.

AMY: Break it up! Girls, girls, girls.

- Hey, hey! Break it up. Break it up.
- Stop with the sass!

Both of you are in a time-out.

Oh, my God.

- If Henry heard me right now, he'd be so turned on.
- Mm.

That was so maternal.

No, we have to show
the ugly scalloped handle

of the serving spoon, or
we're gonna lose our sponsors.

Donna. Donna.

Do you have to file your nails
so close to the phone?

Oh, also, we are $ over budget

on the summer salad show.

They're not even actually
eating the lettuce.

You know what? New lettuce is just...

it's a luxury we can't afford, Donna.

Sorry. I'm gonna be a little while.

No, no, no. Do your thing.

I'm just gonna turn the light off.

Are you kidding me?

- Henry, wake up.
- I'm not asleep.

I just put my head down on the pillow.

I can't believe you right now.

I am a working woman. I am a boss.

And somehow that's just...

that's just not
attractive to you anymore?

I mean, I-I'm just some
disgusting career pig

you have to sleep next to?

What are you doing? P-please stop.

I just... I just want to go to sleep.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, no.

Henry, are you not
attracted to the old Amy?

- Did you... Did you ever love me?
- What?

If I were sitting here,
just signing permission slips

or baking an apple pie,
you'd be all over me.

If you were baking an apple pie in here,

I'd have a lot of electrical questions.

Why can't you just admit
that you were secretly

waiting for me to turn
into someone I'm not

so you could fall in love with me?

Because I'll tell you what...
the way you look at me now,

you should see your eyes light up.

It's disgusting.

Honey, I'm not waiting for
you to become anyone else.

I love the old Amy.

That's why I married
her and... all of that.

Oh.

- No!
- Then why don't you want to have sex with me?

I'm not in the mood for sex

'cause I had to fire a guy today.

Wh...
- Oh.

Hang on a second.

What do you mean? I didn't
know you fire people.

- You fire people?
- Yeah.

It's not something you brag about.

No, yeah, no, no. No, it actually is.

I mean, you could
potentially just, like,

[CHUCKLES] ruin someone's life.

And that's good?

I did not know that you
had this side to you.

This is like, so...

This is so manly. This is so powerful.

Tell me... Tell me everything.

Well, I-I fire people all the time.

How does that work?
Like, what goes down?

Do you, like, call them into
your office and you're like,

"Hey, sit down,"

or do you just, like, slam
your fist down on the table

and you're like, "Get out"?

Um, I... both.

Mm! Mm!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

So you don't like the old Henry?

You, uh... you want a
tough guy who fires people.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

I also cut people's vacation days.

- Oh, my God.
- Yes, you do!

And I denied a guy's workman's comp.

- He's a single dad.
- Oh, my God!

[BOTH MOANING]

Should we hang up with Donna?

- Donna, you still with us, honey?
- Mm.

[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS]

Oh. Wait.

I need this.

I can't. I need it.

You know, this happened
earlier with a guy

and a bottle of whiskey?

It was a little darker.

I really need this gift card

so I can go to Jessicrafts,
buy some glue g*ns,

wait for the shift change,
and return them for cash.

Why do you need cash so bad?

Things.
- Ah, boyfriend things.

Don't care for the judgement.

Yes, that's part of it.

I can't.

Dan's starting to ask questions.

Like, he doesn't think the freezer has

$ worth of meat in it, so...

I'm gonna have to find another way.

You know, everything about you is
the first minutes of a "Dateline."

Well, at least I'm not pimping
out my toes to strangers.

Oh, that reminds me.

Tell me what you think.

Now, should I get heavy cotton or suede

- for my new Carol Convertible?
- Suede? Who are you?

I am making a pretty penny
off all these foot freaks,

especially this big spender Ari .

You're making enough
money off of this site

to order a couch in a premium material?

Mm-hmm. And matching barrel chairs!

[GASPS] I love barrel chairs!

I know! I'm getting them in linen.

- Linen?!
- Mm-hmm.

- That's not even in the same catalog!
- Mnh-mnh.

♪♪

Mom!

Were you taking my money?

No!

But I was gonna teach you a lesson

about leaving your bag out where
anyone could steal from you.

I'm not upset. I'm just
deeply disappointed.

♪♪

[ LINE RINGING]

Sarah, I need money, so...

how do I set up an OnlyThrills page?

And don't make fun of me.
I'm a tragic character.

- Check it out.
- [GASPS]

Wow! Is this for your foot video?

For our foot video.

I did a little bit of research,

and I discovered that
girl-on-girl foot-on-foot videos

make twice the money.

Like, three linen barrel chairs' worth.

- Really?
- Yes! Oh, and I also discovered

that guys have a real thing
for feet smushing fruit.

- Hmm.
- So if we can get the bananas to squish up

through our toes, jackpot.

Got it. Well, let's do it.

Yeah? Okay.

- Jodie, you're a genius.
- All righty.

- After you.
- Thank you.

Okay, now, every photoshoot needs music.

- I saw it on TV.
- Okay. Okay!

- [MELLOW MUSIC PLAYS]
- Nope. No. No.

- What?
- [MUSIC STOPS]

- Unh-unh. Jodie!
- Well, I was thinking...

Yeah?

Your feet are fugly. I
never noticed this before.

This is crazy.

[LAUGHING] What? They're not!

Well, I mean, they are,
but I-I don't want to...

I don't want to scare away
my biggest paying fan, Ari .

And mama needs a bar cart,

and... and your toes are bubbly.

- [SOBS]
- Jodie!

It's nothing to cry over.

Just... Just don't wear sandals.

[SOBS]

[MACHINERY BEEPING]

[HAMMERING IN BACKGROUND]

Hey.

What's the emergency?

One of the guys on my crew has
been bullying the other workers,

so... I'm gonna have to fire him.

- You brought me here to...
- Watch.

Okay.

[CHUCKLES]

So...

That's right, baby. I know your kink.

Oh, my God. I'm so turned on right now.

- Wait, wait, wait, though. Wait.
- What?

I feel... I kind of
feel bad for this guy.

No, don't. He's a bully.

Yeah, but I mean, aren't
we all bullies deep down?

He drives slow in the fast lane.

Ah, yeah. I'm back on board.

[CHUCKLES]

RANDY: Hey, Henry. You wanted to see me?

Uh, yeah. Enjoy.

Okay, okay.

Have a seat, Randy.

We got a problem.

Your coworkers have been complaining

about how you're treating
them with disrespect.

- I won't have it.
- What?

[GASPS] That's right.

- You're fired.
- Oh.

You can't do that to me.

Get off your high horse, Henry.

Like you've never pushed
anyone around before?

Oh, I have. In fact,
I'm doing it right now.

- Mmm.
- Goodbye, Randy.

Grab your lunchbox and
get the hell out of here.

- Oh.
- Unbelievable.

- Mm.
- You ruined my life!

Oh, that's so hot.

[PANTING]

Ah!

So what are you doing this afternoon?

Well, I'm gonna take
the kids to the park

and then to a... a play-gym place,

and then, um, probably go
get some ice cream after.

My God. Tell me how you
don't go through red lights

with them in the car, but talk fast.

- I also keep Wet Wipes in the center console now.
- Oh, my God.

[BOTH MOANING]

- Wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait.
- Oh, come on.

What if this whole mother
thing doesn't stick?

Like, what if I wake
up one day and I decide

I want to go back to the
way I was before Col d*ed?

Before I became a, like,
an actual hands-on mother?

- In the afternoons.
- In the afternoons.

Then you're disgusted by me?

Babe, no matter what happens,
we can always role play.

Mm.

Now get out of here. I have work to do.

You're so bossy.

You better be baking an apple pie in bed

when I get home tonight.

- Or else what?
- Or else you're fired.

[LAUGHS]

I'm a loser.

I buy drinks with craft store cards

and I tried to steal
money from my own kid.

Well, in fairness, she
probably stole it from you.

Sarah, I am and / years old,

and I have nothing of my own.

Mm. That is your fault.

You gave away all your power.

You gave it all to Dan,

and now you're afraid
to ask for it back.

No, that's the point.
I don't want to ask.

I want something that's just mine.

I don't know where to start.

And I've got ugly feet.

Well...

And you're so smart
and pretty and brave,

and you weren't at all afraid
to throw your entire life away

to go after what you want,
which is still very much TBD,

but you're on your way.

Why are you even friends with me?

Because you loaned me underwear

when I sat on lemonade in first grade.

You peed in your pants.

But you told everyone it was lemonade.

You are the kindest, most supportive,

loyal friend that I've ever known.

But I'm cheating on my husband.

Yes, you are.

But you are very loyal
to those who deserve it,

and, you know, we're both...

smushing rotten fruit in a bathtub

at : on a Tuesday afternoon,

so I don't think either
of us is doing very well.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Come on.

Get up.

Let's try to make a few bucks
on those fugly bubble toes.

Really?

You think, uh, you
think they can be pretty?

Uh, I've got filters.

You know, the big one would
look cute with cat ears on it,

like a... like a chubby little,

square, ingrown alley cat.

- Meow.
- Meow.

Meow. Hey, d... don't tag me in this.

This should be all you.

There's a market for those feet.

There are some real sickos out there.

[DOOR OPENS]

How did it go? She buy it?

Hook, line, and sinker.

- I appreciate you doing that, pal.
- Yeah.

Didn't realize she was gonna
hit this right in there.

Yeah, I was surprised, too.

- What?
- Uh...

The hole goes both ways. [CHUCKLES]

Relax, all I saw were
ankles and... and knees.

Or did I? [LAUGHS]

Okay, you're actually fired.

♪♪

- Two lattes, please.
- Okay.

Uh, make it three.

Hi. You look pretty.

Oh, thanks.

You're never late for coffee. What's up?

Well, Henry and I worked out our stuff.

You know, like, we really worked it out.

Boffed.

It still doesn't sound
right when you say it, okay?

But guys, I found my kink, okay?

Turns out Henry is a man, and I like it.

He is? Huh.

Hey, this is on me.

I got this.

I may have only made $ on OnlyThrills,

but it was enough money for me to start

my very own private bank account

in my own name with my own money,

because I am my own woman.

Good for you, Jodie.

Oh, you got the card
with the whales on it.

- Sounds a little judgy.
- Whales are great.

- Oh, no!
- What's wrong?

Guys, it's Ari 's dad!

Turns out Ari is literally ,

and he was making it rain
with his bar mitzvah money,

and now they want it back.

- Ooh.
- Oh, boy. Oof.

It was all dirty bar mitzvah cash.

Wait, are you going to give it back?

I don't know. Amy, what should I do?

Oh, hell no. Screw that kid.

Ah! Do you hear that?

I'm not really a mother after all.

- I'm not that much of a mother.
- Oh, congratulations.

Welcome back.

- Ah!
- I knew you'd never change.

Phew.