02x21 - The Green Monster

[bunniefuu]

John, what's going on?

I gargle before trials.
I like to open with fresh breath.

Me too. The toothpaste I use
is really strong.

- It makes your tongue tingle.
- Makes it tingle?

- See? Feel the tingle?
- Not on my tongue.

This is an office place.
People shouldn't be happy.

What exactly do you see in him,
besides the top of his head?

Let's get some coffee.
Good luck with your trial. Call me.

Don't tug me!

What does she see in me? I'm a love
machine. That's what she sees.

L-O-V-E machine.

- Ally....
- John.... Or is it "Mr. Machine"?

The Green Monster

- I'm not settling.
- I understand your anger.

Do you? Have you
experienced infidelity?

Many times, but not as the victim.

It makes sense to settle out
on the dollar--

If he beats me, it's fine.
But I won't give up.

He hurt me! I want you
to make it very difficult.

I want you both to be what
people hate about lawyers.

- Our counter claim could be thrown out.
- l' m not settling!

- We should get going.
- Right.

Ling, can I help you?

Yes. I need aspirin. Loud,
bad music gives me a headache.

- Do you have any?
- No, I don't.

- Why are you doing this?
- Doing what?

Playing these songs
about things being over.

Your bad therapist told you to?

I' m just.... I like Boz Scaggs.

I like Boz Scaggs!

You can't sue a husband
for distress.

He's suing her!

For destruction of property.
His distress claim comes from that.

Your claim comes from infidelity.
This is a no-fault state.

Our claim is a counter claim
to his action.

One may say he's doing
a property division.

- She destroyed his possessions.
- Because of his cheating.

- You sue for vandalism, not cheating.
- I agree. Claim dismissed.

We move to the plaintiff's
Cause of Action.

You disappoint me, Your Honor.
I always considered you special.

Bring in the jury.

- All right.
- Ling! Hey. What?

You're clearly trying
to forget someone.

It's not my business,
and I don't care, but...

- ...I may be able to help.
- Because you do everything well...

- ...including helping?
- Don't misread this.

I own a male escort service.

- You...own a what?
- Nothing depraved. No sex.

It's a simple escort.
For beautiful women who...

...need to go out and not get hit on.

Just so I heard you right, you own...

...an escort service.

Suppose you feel like
talking, but not to a therapist.

Suppose you feel like going to a nice
restaurant, but not with a girlfriend.

Suppose you wanna smile at a cute guy
without fending off his dumb-stick.

I can give you that. It's better
than listening to Boz Scaggs.

- You own an escort service?
- Did you hear anything else?

You want me to hire a guy to sit
across from me and smile at me...

- ...over a bowl of fettuccine?
- Who do you wanna forget? Greg Butters?

You got it backwards.

You should make it harder
for him to forget you.

- Meaning?
- Make him jealous. It works.

You with a handsome guy
will make him think twice.

Guys get jealous.
It's a scientific fact.

- So you said "yes"?
- lf you think about it--

It sounds stupid hiring
a guy to get Greg jealous.

Don't look at it through logic.
That's your problem: logic.

Don't criticize it
until you've tried it.

Oh, that's funny.

You want a little logic?
Here's some:

We put in 1 2-hour days
at our professions.

A personal life is more important,
but we don't work on it. I am...

...going to apply myself,
apply a work ethic...

- ...to my private life.
- lncluding renting a guy?

No options excluded,
and no apologies for it.

It's not about wanting a man.
It's about a partner, okay?

A partner for life.

I am heterosexual and that limits me
to men, if I want sex. And I do!

I like sex! If that makes me
weak, I wanna be weak.

I want a partner, I want sex.
I want a house with furniture.

I want a baby. I want it all.
I want to get fat.

I want maternity dresses,
I want my legs in stirrups...

...spit the little thing out and have
him suck on my breast.

Daddy right there the whole time
with a camcorder. That's what I want.

Instead of waiting for it, I'll make
it happen. Can you deal with that?

Georgia, what are you doing?

- What do you mean?
- This dress. Are you kidding?

It's new. You like it?

Yeah, for catching pneumonia.
Are you on dr*gs?

Ling designed it.

Ling designed it?
How about that Ling.

- What's the problem? Everyone loves it.
- I'm sure they do. T ake it off.

- Don't tell me to take it off.
- I am your husband. Do it.

All right.

- What? Are you crazy?
- On or off. Your choice. Make it.

The relationship had been
rocky for months.

- How long were you married?
- 1 1 years.

Mr. Mannix, what happened
on the night of November 1 2?

Yes. I arrived home
to see my grand piano...

...suspended from a big crane,
hanging directly over my Porsche.

- Where did the crane come from?
- Don't know. Maybe she bribed someone.

So I got home and she was in the
cabin of the crane, like a banshee.

Objection to " banshee. "
That's inflammatory.

Move for a verdict for the defendant
with costs and punitive damage.

Don't be pulling your stunts
in my court. Do you understand?

- Could I take just one moment?
- Hurry up!

What's going on?

He's taking his moment.
You said he could.

The moment is over. Move on.

- Mr. Mannix, what happened?
- I got out of my car, you see...

...both the piano and
the Porsche were antiques.

They were my dearest things in life.
She knew it.

I pleaded, but she had this maniacal
look. Then she released the piano.

It crushed the car.
Everything was demolished.

- Where had you been that evening?
- I'd been at a party.

In fact, you were with another woman
the night your piano met the Porsche.

- ls that correct?
- Yes.

- Destroying property is not--
- The police didn't arrest her...

...concluding the property could
be hers too.

But it wasn't. She knew those
were my favorite possessions.

Also, the most expensive.

You'd value property more
than an 1 1 -year marriage?

- It's not that simple.
- I am asking that simply.

You committed your lives.

You ruined that relationship.
She ruined a car and a piano.

Who did more damage in your mind?

This lawsuit is about property damage,
and she did all of it.

- I have him.
- You brought him here?

I told you I would. He's right--

Give me one second
to straighten up my desk.

- Okay.
- Kevin.

Kevin Wyatt. Ally McBeal.

- Hi, Ally.
- Hi.

Hi. Hey, it's, uh, it's...

- ...it's nice to hire you, I guess.
- Thanks.

I'll leave you two alone.

- So we need to make a green monster?
- Sorry?

- Make someone jealous.
- Oh, yeah.

Can you sit for a second?
I need some information.

- Okay.
- Thanks.

How do we go about this? Do we just
let ourselves be seen by him?

And we're seen as affectionate.
It's not complicated.

Okay. Well, this guy is a doctor...

...and handsome, so he might not
get jealous...

... by simply seeing me with
another good-looking man.

- Doctor, okay. I'll be an actor, then.
- Sorry?

Men in the profession are usually
threatened by those in the arts.

- You guys attend the same parties?
- That'll be a trick.

We don't travel in the same circles.

On second thought, this is silly.

- How do you feel about kissing?
- Sorry?

We want to make him jealous.
It may involve you kissing me.

Feigning you want to sleep with me.

You think you can do that?

I might be able to fake it.

- He was that good-looking?
- lncredible.

- It figures I'd have to rent him.
- You think it'll make Greg jealous?

Don't know, but if he has interest,
and he sees me with this guy....

Suppose Greg is involved with that
woman at the hospital.

- It could be--
- He's not.

I did a little digging.
It was just a date.

- You did a little digging?
- Okay, so I'm a stalker.

- How do you get seen by him?
- That's what I gotta figure out.

You never celebrated
the Biscuit's birthday.

- He hates that.
- 35. He shouldn't get a choice.

We could throw a little party for him
and invite Greg to come over.

Absolutely not. I have no interest in
birthdays, especially my own.

You dislike being the center of
attention. But you've changed.

- No.
- John....

- No!
- All right. Here's the deal.

Ally wants Greg back, but he's only
willing to give her a flu sh*t.

We need an excuse to get
the guy to the bar...

...so she'll be seen with someone
to make him jealous.

Desperate, childish, stupid.
All of the above.

But we' re doing it.

And your birthday's the only thing
we can come up with as an excuse.

- Oh, the therapy smile. What?
- You have no interest in my birthday.

- It's a pretext.
- Exactly.

So, you don't have to be
the center of attention.

It's just a big scam to get Greg.

- ln theory, we ought to be grownups.
- Yes.

We're not clinging to that theory.

Also, the idea that jealousy makes
people more attracted--

- l' m late for court.
- Hey!

Hi. How's it going?

Never mind " how's it going? "
Get him out of your breasts.

- Sorry.
- What the hell is going on?

See that, John? Jealousy.
That's what we need from Greg.

I'm late.

I'm late.

I suspected he was having an affair.
I smelled perfume on him.

- You asked him?
- He'd deny it.

But without much effort,
like he didn't care.

So you went to the nightstand
and got the Steinway.

- Mr. Fish.
- What happened that night, Mrs. Mannix?

He told me he had to work.
Then a friend called me...

...at around 9:30.
She's at a party, and so is he.

With the other woman.
And he's not even being discreet.

They're fondling and kissing.

My friend told me this
had been going on for a while.

She didn't want to interfere, but
to be in a public place was too much.

- What did you do?
- I called another friend...

...who works in construction.
He brought his crane and some men.

We hoisted the piano. When he came
home, I dropped it on his Porsche.

You admit it.
You did this intentionally.

No. I was just swinging a piano
in the sky and it fell.

Of course I did it on purpose!

And are you claiming any kind
of diminished capacity here?

Committing 1 1 years to him
was diminished capacity.

The crane was an act
of acute sanity.

Even saner had I dropped it
on his head.

I guess we have nothing else
to talk about here.

I can actually move in it.

You have to be able to.
Hold still.

- What the hell is this?
- Not for litigating. It's evening wear.

As in "lady of the evening"?

Hey! I designed this dress.

Hey, I don't care.

- How do you wear a dress like that?
- Pretty damn well.

We are obviously going
through a phase here.

No. The phase I was going through
was this corporate tressie thing.

What I am I can no longer deny.

- And what are you?
- Hot.

- I say I'm hot, you think I'm cold?
- Whoa, Georgia.

Never mind!

- John?
- Richard.

Bonnie is your client.
You want to follow her wishes...

...but she dropped
a piano on a Porsche.

Valerie Post is
an excellent closer.

- Are we nearing a point?
- We gotta push settlement.

- I've persuaded both parties to come--
- I don't want to settle!

I won't settle.
I won't pay a thing.

I know you were hurt, and you' re
in no mood to copulate...capitulate.

Penis.

I' m flummoxed.

- Birthday party?
- Of sorts.

- You think he'll show?
- Renee will ask him.

Who's this?

This is my friend, Kevin.
Kevin, Elaine.

- Hi, Elaine.
- Sex.

- Thank you for sharing.
- How about you sharing?

- Never mind.
- Excuse me.

Sorry.

- I hardly know the guy.
- What can I say. He doesn't...

...have many friends. He listed you
as one of them. Just swing by.

- An hour, tops.
- T onight....

It would mean a lot to him.

This isn't a plan to get me
and Ally together?

- She met someone, anyway.
- She did?

Yeah. Some actor.

- I hardly said three words to John.
- Come make it four. Come on.

So, yes? He said yes?

He says he'll show, anyway.

Okay. This is pretty dumb, isn't it?

I think it sets a record, actually.

- ls he coming?
- He says he is.

We'll be downstairs.
Kevin's ready.

Do you think this is gonna work?

Science.

We did see how jealous Billy got
when he saw me kissing Greg. Maybe....

- Elaine....
- Hello. I dropped my pencil.

Have you seen it?

Where's John?

- He's in a conference.
- He is not even here.

- So what? He'll be--
- So what? It's his party.

- lf he's not here, it--
- We need Greg here.

- It doesn't matter if John is here.
- It does.

- It has to at least look good.
- Let's calm down.

Let's practice nose-nuzzle.

- Oh, that's good. I'm so jealous.
- Quiet.

Hey, what's up?

They don't need to know.

We're celebrating John's
35th birthday.

It was a month ago.

- So we're late.
- Where's John?

He's here.

I said I don't want to settle.
Why do I have to keep repeating it?

Am I not making myself clear?

The problem is, you made it clear
to the jury. That car's valued...

...at $1 70,000.
The piano at over 1 00.

The prospect of punitive damages
looms like a buzzard.

I'm telling you, we want to settle.

- You told me we'd win.
- I know, but you have to understand...

...I promise victory to every client.
It's the business.

All we're asking is that we get in a
room together and explore a settlement.

Can we at least do that?

It's 8:30.
He's not gonna show.

Even if he does...

...this is not gonna work unless
you focus on me. Forget about him.

There he is.

Don't be too obvious.

Let him wonder if we're together.
Then, slowly....

- He's coming.
- Just act natural, damn it!

- That's natural?
- Quiet.

Wow! Who's she?

- He brought a date?
- That bastard.

How could he bring
a date with me here?

- Hey, everybody.
- Hey.

- This is my friend, Kimba.
- Kimba?

That is such a pretty name.
Hi, I'm Ally.

Kimba.

And this is Kevin. Kevin, Kimba.
That's Greg.

- Nice to meet you.
- Well....

- Sit, sit.
- Where's John?

Stuck in a meeting.
He'll be down soon.

- Billy, long time no see.
- Yeah.

Kimba...rhymes with bimba.

Just look at me and smile.

I smell a great evening ahead.

In lawsuits, especially divorce...

...it's often about getting each
other rather than working it out.

But you two won't be happy
by simply getting each other.

- I will.
- Great. Say it on the record.

I did. I'll be open
about everything, like you were.

- Here we go.
- Me being the nag again.

- It's pound of flesh time.
- Accept your cheating, right?

- What's wrong with me?
- Quiet!

Then he says, "'Proctology? ' If you
give me that, send me flowers first. "

Boom-boom.

- He's having a great time.
- Or pretending to.

- Actually, he's having fun.
- It's not working.

- Can you sing?
- What?

- Can you sing?
- Well, a little bit.

- Come on.
- Whoa, whoa.

Come on. Trust me.

- What's going on?
- I have no idea.

Is Ally with this guy?

No. He's rented. She's
trying to make Greg jealous.

It's working.

I think your idea flopped.

Why'd they leave the table?
They can't be seen together that way.

- You trimmed your mustache.
- Yes. Kimba said it tickles her.

That will be fun to repeat.

Oh, my God.

This is what the bastard did
last year on her birthday.

With you.

Look, he doesn't like it.

I gotta hit the john.

He's upset. This is great.
He's upset.

What are your thoughts, Kimba?

Why should I settle for less?
I can get punitive damages.

- I should get more.
- You didn't b*at us.

Of course I did.
They know they're beaten.

- We don't know that.
- Hold on. I must admit I'm confused.

You called us for a settlement,
but your client...

- ...doesn't want to settle.
- My feeling is...

- ...if we dialogue--
- Who wants to dialogue?

- You want it.
- Me?

Yes. When you're not
considering a settlement...

- ...then it's not about the merits--
- I never even mentioned the merits.

I want him to hurt.

- It's time to get past that.
- l' m not gonna get past it! Never!

This didn't ever bother you.

It wasn't with some heavy heart
that you had an affair.

Like my feelings didn't warrant
getting upset about.

You humiliated me, Michael,
in front of friends.

I want you to hurt. If that sounds
vindictive, I don't care.

Eleven years of marriage, and you....

It should hurt.

You don't think I was sorry?

I made it so easy for you, didn't l?

"She's crazy. " That's what you
can tell your friends.

"She's crazy. " "Dropped a piano"?

"Must have been tough being married
to her. She's crazy. "

You got out, without anybody ever....

I made it easy.

I'm not making it easy anymore.

- You were great!
- Thanks.

- I can't believe you did that.
- Well...

- ...something came over me.
- Guess who suddenly left?

I told you, never underestimate
the power of green.

Did he leave the restaurant?

Oh, gee.

She sings. Great. Of course.

It just gets better and better.

- Do you think I should sing?
- Excuse me?

- They' re letting people sing.
- You can't sing.

I can sing with backup.

Don't go. And I promise, it has
nothing to do with the dress.

Can't you support me in anything?

- Your martini.
- I've got another one coming.

- Can you add a beer? Harpoon?
- Sure.

- I'll pay for it.
- That's okay.

- Good song.
- You too.

- How have you been?
- Fine.

- Good. Glad to hear it.
- Good.

Little rude.

You knew I'd be here and you bring
a date, a professional singer?

- You brought a date.
- I didn't know you'd be here.

- You didn't? Renee's your roommate.
- Still rude.

How's that beer coming?

- ls anything on her real?
- That's nice.

- Why am I here?
- You tell me.

No, no, no. You tell me. I got lured
here. Where is John Cage, anyway?

Everybody, sing along!

Again!

Thank you. Thank you.

All right.

Well...

...seeing how you liked that one
so much, let's do the other one.

Okay? Great.

This is for all you Dusty fans.

It was knowing.

It was malicious.
And it's uncontested.

She purposely destroyed
his most valued possessions...

...in an attempt to hurt him.

This isn't a question of liability,
but a question of damages.

What she ruined...

... priceless.

But we need you to put a price on it,
just the same.

Love hurts.

Was it the mature thing that
Bonnie Mannix did? Of course not.

But we don't attach maturity
to the definition of love.

It's irrational. It's passionate.

Grownups are often reduced
to children.

But we all play little games.

T ry to make our partners jealous.

They hurt us, we hurt them back.

It has nothing to do with behavior
typically reserved for adults.

Did she go too far? Yes.
Of course she did.

But consider what he did.

She can't sue him for his infidelity,
because...

...in no-fault states
we can't consider his blame.

He can have affairs, ruin a marriage,
lie, cheat, deceive...

...and we can't blame him.

Because those are marital acts.

But drop one little piano
on a Porsche...

...and he comes suing for emotional
distress, punitive damages.

Now, maybe we can't hold this lying,
cheating, philanderer liable...

...but we would be damned fools
to reward him, wouldn't we?

He betrayed her heart,
and he's crying about his Steinway.

Yes, she was immature, childish.

I will call her a vandal, if you want.

What's he?

We never finished our fight.

What? Were we fighting?

I can't be sure, but is there
a little game-playing going on here?

I've got to go,
but how about a cup of coffee later?

Talk?

Well, sure.

T alk, talk is good.

- I'll call.
- Great.

Well, I guess jealousy does work.
We're having coffee.

Congratulations. You got him
the old-fashioned way. Manipulation.

- Knock, knock.
- Hey, Kevin.

Reporting for duty.
The boss asked that I follow up.

Success. He just asked me out.

- He did? That's fantastic.
- Great.

My star.

I guess my work is done, then.

Can I speak to you...?

One second?

Not too long. He has another job.

You do?

All right. Excuse me.

So, what now? You move on
to your next desperate woman?

You're not desperate.

Got it done without us even having
to fake a kiss.

Listen, l....

I know that this was just a job, but,
how do I say this?

I' m hitting on you.

Listen, you know, l....

I am not as neurotic as I seem.
Well, actually, I am.

I hired you to get Greg
and now I want you.

But see, I drink a lot of coffee....

No. It's just I can't date clients.
Ling'd fire me in a second.

But I'm not a client anymore.
I could clear it with Ling.

Well, it'd be unprofessional.

Okay.

It's just that I'm nearing 30,
so I take chances.

- I really am flattered.
- Yeah, well....

- You could always hire me again.
- Well, yeah. There's that.

- Bye, now.
- Bye. Oh, hell.

I was just testing the merchandise.

See you.

See you.

Members of the jury,
you have a verdict?

- We have.
- What say you?

In Mannix versus Mannix...

...we find in favor of the plaintiff,
and order the defendant...

...to pay damages in the amount
of 35 cents.

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you.
You're dismissed.

- Can we appeal?
- Bonnie, we won.

They called him a dirtbag.

This was a good result.
Now give me the keys.

- What keys?
- T o the crane. I know you have them.

- Thank you.
- You need to move on now.

Really.

You crushed his Porsche, next best
thing to his penis. Bygones.

It's time. Sooner or later,
you have to grow up...

...even emotionally.

It's time.

- You what?
- So I'm hopeless!

- You wanted Greg, now you want Kevin?
- Don't make fun of the ill.

I am making progress.
I am opening up my heart, at least.

Yeah, and it's working
like an esophagus.

Oh, can you believe it?

Seriously. You'd rather go out
with Kevin than Greg?

But Kevin can't or doesn't want
to go out with you.

So, basically,
you're still stuck in no man's land.

Oh, you're laughing.

So are you.

I admit. I'm hopeless,
but it is funny.

Shut up.

You stinker!