03x06 - Writer-Director-Nervous Wreck

[bunniefuu]

[ALEXA] It was the last
week of winter break

and Katie had spent most
of it studying or working,

so I had planned a stress-free day
for us at the two dollar movies.

Hey. Okay, there's a prison
break movie then a love story.

So it's an ex-con, rom-com marathon.

I have good news and bad news.

Don't tell me you can't
go to our movie marathon.

Okay.

Uh...

I am no longer free for
our cinematic adventure.

I have to cover a shift at Wired.

Oh, man.

Well, what's the good news?

Oh! Yeah, the good news...

Oh, I got nothing.

I really thought I'd think
up something on the spot.

[EXHALES] Well, I guess I
don't need these anymore.

Oh, hey, before I go,
rapid fire catch-up?

- Mm.
- Go!

All right. We're all waiting for
Lucas's semester grades to get posted.

Still so odd he cares about school. Go!

Uh, we got thought Jack got
his yellow belt in taekwondo.

Turns out he just hadn't washed it.

- Go.
- [PHONE DINGS]

[BREATHES IN]

Things are still off with Spencer. Go.

How off? Go.

Well, we barely talked since Christmas.

He just texts me memes
that don't makes sense.

What? Here, let me see.

I can figure it out.

[LAUGHS]

What? Oh.

Oh, wait, if you go like that...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Yeah, I got nothing.

Do you think things changed

after you helped shave his
head and almost kissed?

[BREATHES] Well, I'm still
not sure we almost kissed.

I mean, we almost kissed

until we almost didn't kiss.

If that's even what almost happened.

I almost understood that.

Um, you know, I'm... I'm sure
with all he's going through

and all you've been through,
it's just complicated.

Yeah, exactly.

And that's why me and
Spencer are just friends.

'Kay.

Oh, I better go.

Okay, but I'm gonna find
something fun for us to do.

Great! Great! And I'm just gonna
take a little candy for the road.

Uh, and this, and this, and this...

You know, I'm just gonna take this.

Your grades are posted.
Read 'em. Read 'em!

Read 'em.

Okay.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

All right.

B.

B.

- B minus.
- [EXHALES]

B.

B plus!

I'm a B student!

- [ALEXA, LORI, DAVE CHEERING]
- [LAUGHS] Yeah!

Woo!

- I cannot believe we did it.
- I cannot believe it.

- No. Oh!
- [LAUGHS]

I can't believe I did it!

- We can.
- You studied your butt off! [LAUGHS]

Yeah, hold up your laptop so I can
take a picture of you and your Bs.

- Yeah.
- [ALEXA] All right.

And got it.

So proud of my brother. Not joking.

Seriously, not joking.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

- [LAUGHS]
- Give me a B.

[DAVE MAKING BEATBOX SOUND]
♪ B... B B ♪

♪ I got all Bs from plus to minus ♪

♪ Ain't nobody gonna
mess with my flyness ♪

♪ Oh, I studied really hard ♪

♪ A, take it away ♪

Oh! Uh, uh, okay. [LAUGHS]

♪ My son got Bs and he's... ♪

Yeah, I can't do this.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

But, hey, I got you something. [LAUGHS]

- Couldn't help myself. [LAUGHS]
- [DAVE LAUGHING]

Ooh.

- [GASPS]
- Yeah. Ha, ha!

Wow.

Doctor clothes.

They're called scrubs and I
had it embroidered. [GIGGLES]

"Dr. Lucas Mendoza M.D".

Most def.

[DAVE AND LORI LAUGHING]

Oh, it's not a competition,

- but we're totally winning parenting.
- Mm. [LAUGHS]

♪ I've got you ♪

♪ When I can't take it any longer ♪

♪ You make me feel stronger ♪

♪ I've got you ♪

♪ When I can't take it you
make it so much better ♪

♪ We'll do this together ♪

♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh we'll do this together ♪

♪ I've got you ♪

♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ We'll do this together ♪

And three...

two, one.

And these are officially
day-old cookies,

so I am allowed to give them away.

Friend perks.

It's nice that we get to hang
out even when you're working.

I like it. You're a friend,
but you also serve me.

- I did it!
- Oh, you got your license?

Dreamed you were a unicorn?

Finally matched your
foundation to your neck?

No. What? [GROWLS]

I told you I'd find
something fun for us to do:

the community theater play competition.

Ah, this looks amazing.

Oh, it starts in a week.

I know it's soon but we're
still on winter break,

and I'm gonna do it with you.

[INHALES] Yeah, let's do this.

Hey, we'll do it, too.

I've always wanted to
try my hand at acting.

[CLEARS THROAT, SPEAKS IN FRENCH
ACCENT] This will be my stage debut.

Hannah, you're in charge of costumes.

Great. I wear clothes every day.

Fine. I'll do it, too.

You're welcome.

Thank you.

And unlike the school play,
you won't have to be a horse.

Although your neighs
were very impressive.

Wait, what if instead of acting
in it, I write and direct it?

Then I'll have something new to
add to my college application.

Hmm. Then I'll produce.

Not sure what that means, but
how hard could it be? [SNICKERS]

Okay, it means

we are putting on a play.

- [ALEXA] Yeah!
- Yeah!

Okay, I need to start writing it.

Um... what should it be about?

How about getting back to work?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

They say write what you know.

So school, friends, and...

how to trick Jack into doing the dishes.

I thought my life was sad.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

The play will be about a
m*rder in a coffee shop.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

- Time to binge.
- [EXHALES, SMACKS LIPS]

[LORI CLEARS THROAT]

It says we watched episode five.

And six.

And...

You watched the entire
season without me.

What?! [LAUGHS]

Du... Du... Dude.

No! No, no, no, no, no.

Honey, listen, I respect our
marriage too much, all right?

It was probably one of the kids.

The kids, Lori?

Code blue, guys.

Ooh, he's talking doctor.

You won't believe this.

My advisor said I need to get better
grades to get into medical school.

But you did so well.

Turns out "B" s aren't
enough to become a doctor.

And she said that was the easy semester.

What? There were so many big words.

That's what I said.

Well, where are you going?

To study. I'm not getting
smarter, talking to you guys.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Wow.

- He's gonna work even harder?
- [EXHALES]

I am so impressed.

Oh, what if he discovers
and cures a disease?

You know, and names it after me.

[LAUGHS]

Lori... itis.

Symptoms include watching
ahead without your husband,

blaming your children and...

being adorable.

I told you it wasn't me, all right?

Oh, I hate this guy. He kills the king.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Well?

Well? [LAUGHS]

Well?

It's great.

And you wrote it so quickly.

Yeah, you know, I just
tapped into my rage for Barry

and the words just poured out. [LAUGHS]

Thank you for suggesting this.
It's exactly what I needed.

We're so good at this. Why do
people think plays are hard?

I know, and it turns out

there are only two other
plays in the competition,

so... we could actually win this thing.

Thanks for asking me to be in the play.

It means a lot that
you believe my talent.

My parents never pay
attention to me or listen...

[ALEXA] Hannah, those muffins
are fake! Stop eating them!

Just like Dad.

All right, everyone gather around.

I just wanna thank everyone
for their hard work.

Katie and I brought
all the props from home.

Here's Katie's scripts.

Coffee With a sh*t of m*rder.

It's a thriller about a waitress
who overhears a m*rder plot.

Whoa, I'm a sketchy businessman

with a dark past.

I connect to this character because

my uncle was arrested for embezzling.

I guess everything does
happen for a reason.

What, another confusing
text from Spencer?

Yeah, a raccoon in a
diaper eating a banana.

It's really cute. [GIGGLES]

Yeah, but I miss talking to him.

But we're here to put on a play,

so I am turning it off.

On silence.

Know what, light vibrate.

Where have you been?

We set aside the first
hour to work on the set.

That's why I came now.

Okay, here, you are
playing the m*rder victim.

Daisy, an heiress with a big ego.

That's a reach.

But if anyone can do it, it's me.

I'm a grandma?

Why can't I be the waitress?

Well, Alexa's the waitress.

And, hey, you're not just the grandma.

You are the loving but
misunderstood grandma

who knows too much.

I just hear "grandma".

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Why don't I have more lines?

What if the businessman was
mute and I had to speak for them?

How dare you!

- Gwenny, you know I'm trying really hard.
- Yeah, I'm talking.

You know what? I'm just gonna
rewrite the play tonight.

No, they're being ridiculous.

The play is so good.

Good enough to win?

Yes, but this is about having fun.

Yeah. Totally, totally.

But winning can also be fun.

[GIGGLES] Hannah, the
apple is fake, too.

Are you using all our
glasses for your play?

No.

Honey, it's so late.

Don't let this thing stress you out.

Oh, it's not. I'm just working on
the play because I couldn't sleep.

I couldn't stop thinking about
the play when I wasn't sleeping.

This is the third time
you've rewritten it this week.

Yeah. Fourth.

[GROWLS]

But it's fun. I'm having fun.

All right, ten more minutes
of fun and then off to bed.

And where's the coffee pot?

[SIGHS] Did Jack get a goldfish again?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Half the silverware is gone.

[BOTH] Jennifer.

Could be Lucas.

He has been eating in his
room the last three days.

- Never seen a person study so much.
- [EXHALES SHARPLY]

I know. It's like he has
nothing else in his life.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Glad you're taking a break.

I wish.

Oh, you said you had something for me?

Yeah, I do.

This is for you, kid.

There's no room for
music in my life anymore.

Okay.

Lori, he's miserable.

[MAKES A b*at SOUND]

I don't know, look,
he's... He's rapping.

♪ Bs weren't enough
Pre-med's really tough ♪

♪ Learning arteries has
been so hard on me ♪

Oh, he's sad-rapping,
Lori. Sad-rapping!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[SIGHS] All right, I know you're right.

It's just... It's really
hard for me. [SNIFFS]

Honey, can we talk to you for a second?

Sure, go ahead.

It's so dumb.

Intestines come in small and large.

There's no medium?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[LORI CLEARS THROAT]

You know, you don't have to be a
doctor if it makes you miserable.

But I wanna help people.

Honey, you can't help
people if you're not happy.

But would you guys still be
proud of me if I quit pre-med?

We're proud of you for having
your heart in the right place.

Thanks, guys.

So happy I don't have to think anymore.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

- [EXHALES]
- [GROANS]

It's gonna be all right.

No.

I just ordered a dozen
more doctor clothes.

Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. [SPUTTERS]

- Show night!
- Yeah.

What are you doing?

I thought of something
that'll make this better.

Katie, you've been rewriting all week,

and every version you make is great.

Even the time travel one.

[LAUGHS]

Hey, don't give me any ideas.

Another meme from Spencer?

[EXHALES] No, he stopped
communicating with me at all.

Better take this so your waitress
isn't checking for memes

she's not getting anymore.

- Now, let's go put on a play.
- Yeah, let's do this.

Do I really have to wear this?

[BOTH] Yes.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

What if I have a catch
phrase? Like, "Oh, snap".

[BOTH] No.

Or what is my character had a
twin and I had twice the lines?

[BOTH] No.

That's it. I can't work
where I'm not valued.

I quit.

Wait, what? What?

No. No, she can't quit.

We just lost our victim,

and without a victim there is no m*rder,

and without a m*rder, it's just
a grandma and a businessman

talking in a coffee shop.

[EXHALES] It's fine. Um...

Hannah will play the heiress.

[GRUNTS]

Um...

Okay.

[EXHALES]

Wow, I have a lot of
lines. [CLEARS THROAT]

Hello! I am a rich heiress new in town.

It's great, great.

Hello.

We can't win like this.

It's a competition for high schoolers.

How good can the other plays be?

[AUDIENCE IN THEATRE
CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Oh, what an emotional rollercoaster.

That play made me laugh and cry.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Well, and now Hannah is
writing her lines on her hands.

Okay, everyone gather around.

Time for a pep talk.

I am so proud

of everyone.

Okay, we've all worked so hard.

But not hard enough.

If we don't dig deeper than
what we've already seen,

then we won't win,

and this whole week will
have been for nothing.

Okay, yeah, great. So let's
go k*ll it, guys, whoo!

Oh, wait, Nate... Nathan!

One last thing.

Um...

Act with Tuesday's intensity,

but Wednesday's volume
and Thursday's lines.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Good morning.

Well, what'll you have today?

Um...

I'll have an espresso.

I'll have an espresso.

I'll have an espress-o!

So, a coffee?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

There's my coffee pot.

Is that our silverware?

Those curtains are definitely
from our guest room.

Hey, Grams, what can I get ya?

What do you mean, I like
to stylish to be a grandma?

So, a coffee?

[GRUNTS] Reagan!

Hannah, those are props!

And you're about to miss your cue.

I'm sorry.

I eat when I'm nervous.

And I also sweat.

[EXHALES] I don't think I can do this!

Oh, no, no, no, no!

You are going to do this.

We have to figure out our plan

before the spoiled
heiress arrives because...

[KATIE, BACKSTAGE] I've worked too
hard for you to just freeze up now.

We only have...

[KATIE] I have been up every
night so this is gonna win!

... one chance.

You're freakishly strong.

- [KATIE GROANS]
- [HANNAH GASPS]

I think I am overhearing
the plot of a m*rder

and a lot more.

The heiress will be here any second now.

Oh, no. Okay, don't cry,
don't cry, don't cry.

You're okay, you're okay. Oh, gosh.

There heiress will be
here any second now.

You're gonna...

You're gonna go out there!

I am not!

Yes, she should be
arriving any second now.

[KATIE GROANING]

Oh.

Oh, hello. Huh.

[STAMMERS] Now, you must be
new in town. What's your name?

I sweat my lines off!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Daisy". What a great name! [LAUGHS]

And aren't you that
heiress that's new in town?

I'll take your terrified stare as a yes.

Am I supposed to laugh?

I honestly don't know.

Are we still winning parenting?

No.

[LAUGHS]

This is a disaster.

Yeah, but a fun disaster.

Come on, Katie, it's
okay. It's just a play.

- [PHONE DINGS]
- Oh, and now someone's phone is going off.

- Theater audiences are the worst.
- [PHONE DINGS]

Oh, it's mine.

Actually, it's yours. Spencer.

I'll look at whatever
meme it is after the play.

[KATIE] Alexa...

He's in the hospital.

What?

You know what? Go.

- Are you sure?
- It's just a play.

Yeah, it's just a play.

Now go.

[EXHALES] Okay.

And now I wonder where our waitress is.

Here I am.

The waitress.

Yes, yes.

The same waitress who
looks slightly different

but is definitely the same.

Daisy, why don't you read the menu?

I think it'll help.

Thank you...

same waitress.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Don't talk to me like that!

Do you know who my dad is?

I don't think Katie's gonna win.

That's it.

I can put her m*rder*r in jail

when the cops see the clue in my apron.

Which I do not have at the moment

because I do not have my apron.

This could be your
vital piece of evidence.

Maybe...

perhaps?

Precisely!

This napkin proves...

that you are the m*rder*r
in the coffee shop.

They'll never convict an old lady.

Yes, they will.

'Cause as you know...

Ha!

Revenge is like an ice blended:

best served...

cold.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Hey, did you guys have fun?

No.

Jack, go and get anything that
looks like it belongs in our house.

And get those curtains.

Get those curtains!

So, that went...

Terribly. Yeah.

I know, it's okay. What matters
is that everyone had fun.

Everyone onstage. [LAUGHS]

Yeah. [LAUGHS]

Well, hey, the good news is
that last place out of three

is still third place.

Colleges don't need to know
there were only three plays.

You're totally right.

Yeah. Wow, thanks, Mom.

Hey! Uh, you guys!

We won third place!

- Yeah!
- [ALL LAUGHING]

[ALL CHEERING]

[LAUGH]

Hey, Alexa.

Hi, Mrs. Walker.

Oh, I was just going to
grab something to eat.

How are you?

Fever, low white blood cell
count, you know the drill.

Just here a few days for observation.

Are you wearing an apron?

It's a long story. I'll tell you later.

I'm gonna be here for a while.

The Wizards game's on.

But they don't have ESPN here.

Yeah, that's the reason
why I left this hospital.

Uh, but I have an idea.

[SPORTS COMMENTARY FROM TABLET]

Yeah. [LAUGHS]

[ALEXA] And just like that,

it was as if the "almost"
kiss that never happened

never happened,

and everything was normal again.

Or as normal as they can be when
you are a teenager with cancer.