02x17 - Docuventary II

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER:
Previously on Felicity...

Okay. What?

Goodbye.

Apparently this was all
a big misunderstanding.

What?

They're backpedaling. You won.

We won!

We won.

Oh, my God!

SEAN: I sent a letter to the
Independent Film Channel

on that documentary
thing that I did last year.

And they want to see it,
so I'm sending 'em a copy.

The thing I was in?
Please don't send it.

Oh, I'm sending it.

Hi, there. The name's
Sean Blumberg.

I'm a documentarian.

How do I look?

RICHARD: Fat.

Really?

Yeah.

Maybe 'cause you're so
close. Take a couple steps back.

See?

No. Still look fat.

Give me the camera.

Are you sure you know
how to make a documentary?

Yes. Hey! No.

Listen to me. I
talked to the guy

at the Independent Film Channel.

Can you tell me this
without filming me?

He wants me to
continue my documentary,

but he wants me to add
scope and context. So this year,

I'm gonna ask everybody what they
wanna do with the rest of their lives.

I hate that question. That
question's, like, my worst nightmare.

That's great. That's what I'm
lookin' for. That's emotion, baby.

Hey, why is that such
a tough question, Ben?

I really don't like being
interviewed, especially by you.

I don't like it, so...

RICHARD: Ben, it's cool,
man. Don't worry about it.

This time, I'm workin' with him.

SEAN: So, will you sit down
with us over the next couple of...

No. I'm busy.

I'm getting all my community
service out of the way.

I got six jobs over 72 hours,
and then I'm done, so...

Good. We'll come
visit you at those jobs.

You're not comin' to visit
me at those jobs. All right?

Oh, okay. Hey, listen.

You think Felicity'll
wanna participate?

BEN: No!

SEAN: Really? Will you
help us convince her?

No!

(LAUGHS) I think they'll do it.

Of course they'll do it.

Hey, tilt the camera
back and forth.

What? Yeah.

Whoa!

(IMITATING CAPTAIN KIRK) Scottie,
divert the warp drive into the shield.

(IMITATING SCOTTIE)
No, I can't do it, Captain.

The shield's at 30%. She
just doesn't have the power.

(IMITATING ENGINE NOISES)

(CHUCKLING) Yeah. Oh,
yeah. This is gonna be fun.

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

You want to interview me?

SEAN: Yeah. Oh.

Uh, you know
what? No, no, I can't.

No, forget it.

Why? No, because...

(SIGHS) I heard that the
camera adds 50 pounds.

No. The camera adds 10 pounds.

Only 10?

Yeah.

That's not so bad.

Okay, I'll do it.
All right, go ahead.

Okay, so the first...

Oh, now? You know
what? Wait one second.

Felicity, can I...

Hey! Wait, wait, wait.
Hey! Hey! Felicity.

RICHARD: Here
we go. Felicity... Ow!

SEAN: Felicity, please. Come on.

It got so personal last year.

That was the point.

A major subplot was
your love life, huh?

You gotta continue
that story line.

It's not a story
line. It's my life.

Yeah... Hold this for a second.

d*ck, hold this.
Hold the camera.

Listen,

this is the first real chance I've
ever had, right, at something legit.

But this is an ongoing
documentary, right,

so I have to interview the
same people from last year,

which includes
you, my star, right?

So, please, come on.

I don't even have a love life.

I don't care. I don't. And
Ben already agreed to do it.

He did? Yeah,
he's psyched, right?

RICHARD: Oh, my
God, he's totally psyched.

Totally psyched.

I'm gonna shove that camera
up your ass. I'm not kiddin'.

SEAN: You know what?
Felicity said... No, she didn't.

Yes, she did. No, she didn't.

Yes, she did!

Um, fine. Just hurry
up and get it over with.

Just ask me some
questions and get it over with.

Why don't you start off by tellin'
us just what you're doing here?

I'm doing community service.

Felicity and I got caught
doing a very naughty thing.

We broke into the campus pool,

which apparently is like
murdering somebody around here.

SEAN: Okay, now that
you're a sophomore,

what are you gonna do
with the rest of your life,

besides dry these dishes?

When are you gonna
do this with Felicity?

We're going there next.

She and Greg are
gonna do the interview.

Oh, that'll be good.

A lot of statistics.
That'll be entertaining.

Oh, my God.

What?

Look at that.

(RICHARD GROANING IN DISGUST)

It's a retainer.

RICHARD: Oh, dear God.

Yeah. I'm never gonna break
into the campus pool again.

Hey!

Sorry. I had to get
the wire through.

Guys, thanks
again for doin' this.

See if you still want to
thank us after the interview.

Oh, yeah.

Uh, we are just gonna
put up a couple lights,

then we'll be all set. Okay.

Come on.

No, don't say, "Come
on," like I work for you.

Come on. I'm not kidding.

Come on! Sean, cut it out!

Come on.

I'm sorry, but did you kiss
me in here the other day?

(LAUGHS)

Uh, yeah. I guess I did.

(STAMMERING) Yeah, I thought so.

I haven't been able to
stop thinking about it.

All right, this'll
only take a second.

So I guess I owe you one.

Wait, wait, wait.

What?

Nothing.

SEAN: Beautiful. Oh. Yeah.

Good, good, good. Nice.

SEAN: What's that smell?

Are you gonna,
uh, interview Julie?

Yeah.

See, I think she
should interview you.

Okay, shut up.

You're never gonna tell
her you love her, are you?

You know what?
What's he talking about?

Nothing. Nothing.

SEAN: So, tell me about
Felicity and her friends.

Does this look
stupid or fantastic?

Is this good because...

SEAN: It's good. It
hurts a bit in the back.

Felicity is my favorite.

She's the sweetest thing.

She's optimistic,
and she's so romantic,

and she's an
autumn, too, you know.

A who?

Autumn. It's a season.

Like what colors
look good on you?

Like, she's an autumn,
and I'm an autumn also.

You know? So we're
kind of like sisters.

Noel?

Noel is a sweetheart.

He's a cutie pie.

Okay, if Noel was gay, then my
boyfriend would be in big trouble, okay?

Pack your bags and move out.

You know, I don't
care if it's rent control.

Move out. Guess
who's coming to dinner.

SEAN: And action.
No, don't look at me.

NOEL: Sean, shut up. Okay,
when I tell you to begin...

SEAN: Don't look at me.

NOEL: Sean. SEAN: I'm sorry.

It's all right. Go ahead.

All right, when I tell
you guys to begin,

you're gonna have 45 minutes
to answer three essay questions.

Um, remember to keep your
responses clear and concise.

And remember to
pace yourselves, okay?

Any questions?

RICHARD: Good luck, Ben.

Teaching was never something
that I thought about doing.

But I've been a T.A.
for a few months now,

and I think I've really
got the hang of it.

SEAN: What exactly are you?

Uh, it's a T.A. I, like,
assist the teacher.

So he doesn't have
to show up. I come in.

You went from an R.A. to a T.A.

RICHARD: That's good.
SEAN: Isn't that good?

RICHARD: Yeah. (SEAN LAUGHING)

Did you hear?

What?

About Maureen.

No. What happened?

Let's just say her
punch card's missing.

What?

Yeah. Her sack lunch won't
be in the fridge anymore.

What are you talking about?

Have you seen Maureen today? No.

Well, you won't see
her tomorrow, either.

What are you
saying? Did she quit?

You didn't hear it from me.

Hey, what do you
think of this sweater?

My sister sent it to me.

Uh... Mmm.

Totally.

FELICITY: I really
want that job.

SEAN: Why?

Because it'd be a
great experience

and plus, a little more money.

And it'd also be good
to have on my resume.

Now, last year, you were
straddling art and medicine.

Yeah. You were
also straddling Noel.

SEAN: Richard!

I'm sorry.

Uh, Ben... Oh, Ben.

He's like... He... He's
so confused, you know?

He's like this sweet dumb guy.

You know? But the thing is,

the twist is, he's not
dumb at all, you know?

He just comes off that way.

I'd just really like
to say for the record

that I really enjoy working
in the admissions office.

Leonore and I have
a lot in common.

SEAN: No, but what's
your job here exactly?

Oh, I... I file
classified student files.

Yeah. If there's a
problem with the system,

somebody like me has access
to your classified student files.

And what do you want to
do with the rest of your life?

Um...

Come on, d*ck. d*ck.

Come on, man, I see more
of the mike than his head.

Excuse me. My arms
aren't made of steel.

Yeah, you need arms of steel
to hold a microphone. Come on.

Hey, how'd that interview
go with Greg and Felicity?

SEAN: The interview went...
It was fine, it was great.

Great. Really good.

RICHARD: Man, you
really hate that guy, huh?

Yeah, I do. I do hate that guy.

But her hours are
almost up there,

and then I never have to
think about him again, so...

SEAN: You know what? You're the one
with the access to the classified files.

Why don't you just, I don't
know, change his GPA?

(LAUGHS) You'll
feel a lot better.

(CHUCKLES)

You seem nervous.

Um, I am nervous.

I'm... I'm about
to make a pitch.

For what?

For me.

Um, I heard that Maureen quit,

and I think I could
take her place.

You?

I know that I've only been
here for a few months,

but I think I've shown
real dedication here,

and despite the sit-in which
completely disrupted service for two days,

I'm always on
time, if not early,

and I've basically been shadowing
you, so I know how you work.

Plus, I have prior experience.

I worked at my dad's
office for two summers,

and I also volunteered
at the Stanford Hospital,

the pediatric unit.

I wondered if you'd want to stay on
here after your community service is over.

Well, only if I'm
right for the job.

I mean, I don't want favoritism.

Why would there be favoritism?

Well, you know what I mean.

But am I wasting your time?

Have you already
found a replacement?

No, no, no. You're
not wasting your time.

Good. Well, then, please
officially consider me.

I will.

Call me later? Yeah, I will.

Hey.

Hey.

So, what do you know
about that guy Greg?

Oh, um, Ruby and
I went to see him.

He seemed really
nice. That's about it.

What about Greg and Felicity?

What do you mean?

I mean, you know if
they're getting together?

Greg and Felicity?

Yeah. She hasn't said
anything about that yet? No?

No. Are they dating?

I think so, yeah. I think maybe.

I had no idea.

And I just learned somethin'
pretty interesting about that guy.

Um, two years ago, he was
busted for cocaine possession.

That guy? Are you sure?

Yeah, I'm sure.

He works in the health center.

Yeah, I know. I thought that
was pretty screwed up, too,

and so now I don't
know what to do.

Do I tell her? Do I not
tell her? I don't know.

Well, we're not sure that
they're getting together, right?

No, that's true, but if I find
out that they are, I gotta tell her.

Okay, but until then, I mean,

we can't overreact.

She's an adult, so we should

probably just stay out of this.

Yeah, she's an adult.

There was somethin'
about that guy I didn't like.

Tell me about it.

Dear Sally...

Okay, this isn't gonna work.

Oh, no, no. Come on. Come on.

It's like a day in the
life. We need this.

(DOOR OPENS)

Oh, good. You guys.

Hey, how about
that tour of the dorm?

I'm gonna be late for work.
Maybe Meghan can do it.

Oh, yeah, 'cause I do
everything Felicity says now.

Have a good day, master.

You want a tour.

Yeah.

How much you got?

Uh... 50.

75.60.

75.

Okay, wait. Just...

Deal.

90.

You just said 75.

I meant 90.

Okay.

Now get out.

Take American Express?

Well, do you?

Elena? Oh, I love
Elena. She's so sassy.

You know, Elena, I love
what she dresses all the time.

She's very sassy. She rarely
wears brassieres and stuff like that.

I knew I wanted to be
a doctor since I was six.

SEAN: Wow. What about you?

Five.

What are you doing to ensure
that you get into a good med school?

I ran blood drives. I
took CPR courses.

I entered in science fairs.

And last summer, I
assisted a professor here.

A Dr. McGrath.

McGrath?

What's wrong with him?

He's a prince of darkness is what's
wrong with him. I don't like him.

Hey, you'll cut that out, right?

(DOOR RATTLING)
Uh, yeah, we can...

They're gone.

ELENA: What's gone?

Uh, the blue books.

(STAMMERS) The tests
I'm supposed to be grading.

The exams. You
guys are everywhere.

Hey. Hey, look out here, man.

ELENA: Did you
check your backpack?

No, I hadn't thought of that.

Yes, genius, like five times!

Don't give me tone.

No, I'm sorry, but look,

(STAMMERING) if I don't
find 'em, my life is over. Okay?

God.

Hey.

Hey.

Um... Okay. I'm already about
10 minutes late for a staff meeting,

so we don't have time to
iron out the details right now,

but would you be at all interested in
having dinner with me tomorrow night?

Please say yes because the
staff meeting's gonna take forever,

and a yes would really
help me get through it.

I thought you had a
massively messed-up past

and should never be in a
relationship again, legally.

Good point. Um...

I'm, uh...

I'm asking you out anyway.

Um, yes.

Yes?

Okay, great.

Um, okay.

And I swear to God
that your response

had nothing to do
with this, by the way.

Yeah. Where do you want it?

Uh, I don't. It's for taxes.

You need to fill one out
when you get a new job.

Oh, my God. Thank you.

Thank you.

Cheers to Felicity's new job.

To Felicity's new generosity.

Hey! I just couldn't afford
to take you guys out before.

Mmm-hmm. JULIE: Yeah, right.

ELENA: Hey, Ben.
Hey. Come and sit down.

Sit down. We're celebrating.

Okay, girls, keep interacting
socially as if we're not even here.

Sean, it's ruined!

Get in closer. Get in closer.

Hey, you should stay for
dinner because it's my treat.

Why is it your treat?

Because she's the new assistant
to the director of the health center.

Thank you very much.

You're, uh... You're
Greg's assistant?

Yeah.

So, um, are you not gonna
be working at Dean & Deluca?

I don't know what the
schedule's gonna be yet,

but I probably can't
afford to quit that job.

That's great. Um,
congratulations.

Thank you.

So, this is the glamorous life
of the assistant to the director.

SEAN: So, what are you copying?

A pamphlet.

"Scabies: Effective treatments."

Nice.

Dr. Tannen is coming
today instead of Dr. Blaine.

Uh, yeah. Thank
you. I got a message.

Doug's a new guy here.
I'm just giving him the tour.

FELICITY: That must be exciting.

What do you mean?

Oh, just that it's not
really that exciting.

Oh. Okay.

Okay. This way.

GREG: How's 8:00 sound?

FELICITY: Yeah,
that sounds great.

Great. Hello again.

RICHARD: Hey. Oh, hey, sorry
again about your computer files.

(CLEARS THROAT)
Don't worry about it.

SEAN: Wait a
second. This is great!

The two of you are goin'
out, can we come along?

Sean.

What? Come on,
I gotta ask, right?

Okay, that means one
thing. We gotta spy on her.

Richard, I...

What? We're documentarians, man.

It's our job.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Campus security.

Okay.

Try it.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Campus security.

Okay, try it again with
more emphasis on "campus."

Campus security.

Better.

SEAN: Oh, God. I cannot
believe we're doin' this.

RICHARD: Come
on. This is fantastic.

This is what we
need for our movie.

Sophomore year,
Felicity's new love interest.

I know that. It's our subplot!

I know, I know, but
Ben's gonna hate this.

Why?

I don't know. He just
doesn't like that guy.

Yeah, no kidding.
What's his problem?

Oh, yeah, she's
totally lovin' it.

(SEAN SHUSHING)

RICHARD: He's layin' it
on thick, too. Oh. Whoo!

SEAN: We really
shouldn't be doin' this.

RICHARD: Okay, here
it is. The moment of truth.

SEAN: Oh, man, I hope
she doesn't kiss him.

Why not?

Just Ben. Ben'll hate that.

Why does Ben hate
Greg so much, anyway?

I don't know.

Uh-oh.

What? She doesn't see us.

Sean!

SEAN: Oh, crap.

I'm gonna k*ll you!

RICHARD: Okay,
let's go. This is bad.

It is like Blair Witch bad.

SEAN: Keep
runnin'! Keep runnin'!

SEAN: So, what's your major now?

Um, Art History.

Yeah, um, when I was 12,

my parents took my
brother and I to Italy,

and we went to
the Uffizi Gallery

and saw this painting
called the Sacrifice of Isaac

by Caravaggio. Have
you ever seen it?

RICHARD: No. SEAN: Nope.

It's amazing.

I couldn't stop
staring at this painting.

It was so beautiful.

Anyway, so... I
just love museums,

and one day, I'm
gonna be a curator.

But before I'm anything,
I'm gonna be a mother.

Yeah, I'm pregnant.

SEAN: Is that something
you wanna talk about?

Not really.

No, I, uh...

About one out of, what,
every 2,000 people I talk to

actually understands
why I'm doing this.

How did your parents
react to you being pregnant?

I haven't even told them yet.

But I'm going to Colorado
next week to tell them.

Yeah. Noel convinced me of that.

He's the greatest.

I mean, I never thought I'd
choose to do something like this.

Have a baby.

But...

But actually, being pregnant,

it's changed
something inside of me.

SEAN: Are you and
Ruby still dating?

Uh, no.

Ruby seems to really miss you.

Do you think that if she
didn't decide to keep the baby,

the two of you
would still be dating?

I don't know.

Uh, I got to go
find those tests.

Lloyd, I promise you
don't need the patch,

no matter what the
commercial says.

Because you don't smoke.

Um, you're welcome.
You be safe, too.

Jim, are you okay?

Yeah, just another manic Monday.

Well, hey, did I do something?

Uh, let me think. Yes.

Well, tell me. I mean, whatever
it is, I didn't mean to do it.

Well, let's put it this way,

Miss Assistant to the
director of the health center,

I have work-studied
here for two years.

You wanted the job.

Well, I didn't want to not
get the job. You know?

And now, apparently
there's no room for me here,

so next Friday is my last day.

What?

I guess I just
wasn't Greg's type.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Yeah?

Hey.

Hey.

I have a question.

I had a great time last night.

(SIGHS) Yeah. Me, too.

Did you lobby for
me to get this position

because you like me?

Yeah.

Yes?

I like you. I can't help that.

Now Jim's leaving
the health center.

Well, we lost a work-study slot.

There's nothing left for him.

But he's been
here for two years.

I know. It's too bad.

So he should have gotten
the assistant position.

But he didn't. You did.

But I'm not more
qualified than he is.

No, not by a long sh*t.

Where are you going?

What's goin' on?

This is the person who should be

the assistant to the director.

No, no, no, no, no. Uh...

Jim, if you could just
give us a minute, please.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do not put me on
the spot like that.

You said there wouldn't
be any favoritism.

What can I say? You're
unbelievably hard-working.

Jim could do the job at
least as well as I could.

True or false?

Hands-down true.

Then I don't want the job.

It's too late. It's
already yours.

I'll go back to
being a volunteer.

You never were a volunteer.
You were a com serv.

The number of staff
that we can have here

is limited by the university.

You met the new
volunteer. We're maxed out.

So I have to take
the job or leave?

How can you turn
down a volunteer?

I don't make the rules.

Look, I had to call Simmons

and make a real hard
sell for you. Okay?

And now, you're
just being ungrateful.

If you don't want
the job, then quit.

Fine. Yeah. I quit.

SEAN: Does college ever
become so overwhelming

that, you know, you
can't take the pressure?

No. Not really.

Well, you know, for me it does.

Um, I can run, play basketball,

but, uh, what really gets me
through it when I'm stressing

is I got this little
stuffed rabbit doll

that I got from
when I was a kid,

and I, uh, toss it into
my backpack, and...

Just knowin' it's there.

Well, um, I guess I
have a little somethin'.

Um, I had this name tag made up.

Dr. Elena Tyler.

(LAUGHS)

I never told anybody this,

but, um, sometimes I feel like

I'm just not gonna make it,

and I rub it, and
like a mantra I say,

"Yes, I am. Yes, I
am Dr. Elena Tyler."

Baby, uh...

What?

I was kidding about
the rabbit thing.

You know, I've
had enough of you.

Sorry.

Hey, have you found my...

No!

It's... It's in a big
manila envelope.

Nobody's seen your
blue books, man.

SEAN: So, what happens
if you don't find those tests?

Then I am a dead man!

SEAN: For a first
draft, it's okay, it's fine.

RICHARD: I think
it's pretty darn good.

I think it was a
good try on your part.

Let's now do what
we'll probably keep.

Which is, you know, my version.

You're so controlling.

Someone has to, you
know, be the... You know.

I thought it was
a joint project.

No. Okay. You know what?

Let's... Let's do
this transition here.

And that's called a dissolve.

Okay, and that's
called condescending.

I know what a dissolve is.

No, you did a... You
did a flash frame.

Hey.

Hey. How's my
little security guard?

You know, that old guy turned
out to be pretty cool, actually.

Is he still alive?

Yeah, he's still
alive. His name's Al.

The guy fought in two wars.

He's got this four-inch metal
plate in his head. He let me feel it.

That's a pleasant thought.

How's your stupid movie?

You know what? Don't say "stupid
movie." It's not a stupid movie.

No, it's a great movie. Yeah.

Now we have a
subplot, too. A what?

RICHARD: Felicity and Greg.

What do you mean? SEAN: Nothing.

RICHARD: Nothing?
Oh, my God. Check it out.

We left the camera
runnin', right,

and they didn't
know. Check this out.

I'm sorry, but did you kiss
me in here the other day?

(LAUGHS)

FELICITY: Uh,
yeah. I guess I did.

GREG: (STAMMERING)
Yeah, I thought so.

I haven't been able to
stop thinking about it.

You know what? I
think Ben gets the idea.

What? No, no, no, no.
You've got to wait and see this.

Sophomore year, a new
romantic interest for Felicity Porter,

Greg Stenson.

Look at her. Look at
how into him she is.

SEAN: It's not a big deal.

RICHARD: (CHUCKLING) Oh, so...

She digs this
fella. Look at her.

(LAUGHS)

No, wait. Ben.

What's his problem?

Hey, is Felicity around?

(CLEARS THROAT)

Excuse me. Is Felicity around?

I don't think so.

So she's not here?

I just said, I don't think so.

Well, she said that
she was workin',

so, what, did she leave?

Ben, if she's not here,

then she must have left, right?

Thanks. Sure.

What the hell are you doing?

I know about you. You know what?

I know about the cocaine,
I know about the arrest,

and I know that she
is too good for you.

Get outta here.

If you hurt her in any way,

in any way, I'll k*ll you.

Got it?

I don't understand the problem.

How could you not understand?

You asked for the
job. You got the job.

Now, you refuse to keep the job,

and now you're blaming Greg?

Because he gave me the
job for the wrong reasons.

He gave you the job.

Because he has a crush
on me, or whatever it is,

and the guy who
deserves the job lost his job.

(SIGHS) You know,
you could argue...

I could... I am arguing,

that you're sabotaging
an opportunity.

What?

You are too afraid
to commit to this job,

to take a step forward.

That's not the point. I went
out to dinner with this guy.

I mean, we were starting to
see each other outside of work,

and he gave me the job,
even though I don't deserve it.

Deserve it? Deserve it how?

What planet are you from that even
the most remote accomplishment

has gotta pass some
squeaky-clean test?

You deserve an opportunity.
That's what this is.

But this guy Jim has worked
there for over two years.

Two years. I heard you.

I've got nothin'
against this Jim.

I mean, whoever this kid is,

I give him the full
benefit of the doubt,

but if he were sitting
here instead of you

bitching about how
some girl got the job

after he'd worked
there for two years,

do you know what I'd say to him?

Yeah. "Grow up."

Grow up.

Look, in the grand
scheme of things,

there's gonna be
2,000 Jims in your life.

And you know what?
Most of the time,

they're gonna get the
opportunities and you won't,

because they've got
a penis and you don't.

Well, I don't agree
with that comment.

Well, you don't
need to agree with it.

That's the beauty part.

You have finished
your community service.

Congratulations.

Thanks.

So, anyway, I decided
against the lipo.

That's good. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sean played me back
some of my interview,

and two things
struck me in the face.

One, I am not so bad-looking,

and two, my
English is fantastic.

Felicity.

You got a minute?

I'm not the most
revealing person.

About anything.

Has Ben talked to you yet?

No.

Okay.

I had a drug
problem for a while.

It was, uh, just
one of those things.

I, uh... I was so lost in it

that I didn't even
realize I had a problem

until I got arrested.

Anyway, when things couldn't
get any worse, they didn't,

and, uh, I finally
got some help.

And I'm clean now.
I've been clean for years.

Why are you telling me this?

Because I wanted to
tell you before Ben could.

Ben?

He found out about it
somehow. I don't know.

He came to see me,

and, uh, he was just
being protective of you.

What did he say to you?

Nothing.

Look, I work at that health
center 40 hours a week,

and it's a lot of
running around,

making up for
resources we don't have,

uh, doing all the
doctors' grunt work.

It's tedious, it's exhausting,

and until recently,
rarely exhilarating.

Having you there
has changed that.

I see you in the hall
and it makes me happy.

I'm good at running that place,

but having you there,
makes me better.

I think I figured out a
way to hire you and Jim.

How? I thought you only had
the budget for one assistant.

Don't worry about it.

So, where's the
money coming from?

I'm taking care of it.

You're not gonna take a pay cut.

(SIGHS) Look, I want you there.

No, Greg. I won't
take your money.

I'll come back.
Believe me, I want to,

but I'll come back
as a volunteer.

With that new kid, the
volunteer slots are full.

Hey. I just wanted
to come by and say

that I know it's
your first day here,

so if the blood gets to you,

don't worry about
it. It's normal.

What blood?

All the blood. I mean,

there's a lot of
blood working here.

From what?

Well, emergencies, mostly.

I mean, last week a guy came in,

and, uh, you know, his hand
was almost entirely severed.

Yeah. It was hanging
on by the skin.

Are you serious?

Well, no, I mean...

No. There's not a lot of blood.

Doug, here's the thing.

I really want to volunteer here,

but you just took the
last available position,

so, I mean, I don't know you,

I don't know what I could
offer you, but I'll owe you,

and that way you
can go through life

knowing that a stranger
owes you a favor,

and whenever you need it,

you can just call
me and I'll repay it.

What do you mean
"volunteer" position?

You thought this
was a paying job?

It's not?

SEAN: How do you do it?

I mean, how do you handle it?

You know, you're
pre-med, right? That's tough.

You know, the truth, it is tough
being pre-med and having a social life.

No.

I never really cared
much about it before

until I met Miss Competitive.

Why do you think
she's so competitive?

I don't know, you know? Uh...

All I know is, uh,
she's the one person

who tries to prove
herself to everyone,

but in my mind, she's the one
person who doesn't have to.

Yeah, we...

We need some emotion. Yeah.

You know, we
really, really need...

Oh, we need some tears.

Yes.

(DOOR OPENS)

I am a free man.

I am done with
community service.

Well, hallelujah.

Yeah, but I'm sort of
gonna miss working with Al.

That guy still alive?

Will you quit sayin'
that? That's not funny.

What is that?

Ah, some girl brought
this into lost-and-found,

but it's got Noel's name on it.

What?

Yeah.

There. Noel Crane.

(CHUCKLES)

I think we have our tears.

RICHARD: Pay dirt. (SEAN LAUGHS)

I'll just tell Professor
Boyden that I...

(GROANS) That I lost
the mid-term essay exams.

(SIGHS) And that with
those exams went my future.

SEAN: What if you
could get them back?

(SCOFFS)

It would save my life, but...

Yeah, I'd give almost
anything to get 'em back.

What's this?

Let's just say we're
not just documentarians.

We're your guardian angels.

You guys had these all along?

Get a close-up.

SEAN: All you have
to do is say thank you.

Thank you.

Hey, hey! Ow! Oh,
my eye! My eye!

Julie. Julie, her
body's like a muffin,

and she is so cute and little.

You just want to, like,
eat her up, you know?

I mean, if I were not gay...

No, I still wouldn't like her,
but, you know, she's cute.

SEAN: What are you
looking for in a guy?

(GIGGLES) I guess,
somebody who understands me.

Which means he'd probably
have to be from Mars.

No, seriously.

Oh. Lookin' for in a guy.

I don't know. Somebody...
Somebody who loves me

in spite of all the
obvious problems.

I don't think I'm
gonna find that guy.

No, I think you will.

Hey.

Where did you
find out about Greg?

What do you mean?

Don't say, "What do you mean?"

like you don't know
what I'm talkin' about.

Listen to me,
that guy is trouble.

I didn't ask for your opinion.

I want to know where
you found that out.

In his file. His student file.

He was arrested.

Uh, yeah, I know. He told me.

What are you doing
looking in his file?

Because I didn't trust the guy,

and now I know
why I felt like that.

You have no right to go
investigating who he is.

What are you talkin' about?

That's exactly
what you did to me.

Well, that was
last year. So what?

So that doesn't
count. That doesn't...

That was stupid and irrational,

and I did that because
I was in love with you.

Yeah. Yeah. You know what?

You do whatever you
want, all right? I don't care.

Do whatever you want.

Hey, good night. Good night.

FELICITY: Lloyd, hiccups
go away. You know that.

Okay, I'm hanging
up now. Goodbye.

I'm glad you're back.

So am I.

Now we're even.

I think

this is a bagel.

Okay, okay. Come
over here, Doug.

I'm going to introduce
you to Mr. Mop.

Yes, okay. All right.

He's new.

To whom it may concern at
the Independent Film Channel,

we hope you agree
that what we've sent you

could be an extremely
compelling documentary

on what it's like to be a
student going to college and...

(DOOR SLAMS)

Hey.

I don't want to talk about it.

(DOOR SLAMS)

You see that? Drama
unfoldin' all the time.

It's an ongoing process.
We're gonna keep sh**t' it.

So, uh, we hope you enjoyed it,

and we hope you are interested

and you get back to us soon.

SEAN: Oh, God.
What was my question?

RICHARD: About her
being an R.A. and what not.

An R.A.?

Yeah, a resident...

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, uh, what made you
decide to be a resident advisor?

You want to know the truth?

I made a bet with someone.

Really? What do you get
for being an R.A. for a year?

What do I get?

This is what I
get. I lost the bet.

SEAN: What about Meghan?

Mmm. Meghan.

She scares me to death.