09x15 - The Wedding

[bunniefuu]

ADULT ADAM: Back in the ' s,
my sister, Erica,

and Geoff Schwartz
had quite the love story.

From friends to lovers to exes
and lovers again,

all culminating in an epic proposal.

Finally, the wedding was here.

It's nice. Peaceful.

Are we in the right place?

And to think I was worried your
mom would do something crazy.

I mean, the Harlem Globetrotters

were at your brother's bar mitzvah.

Curly Neal dribbled the entire service.

Well, I guess she finally heard us.

People really can grow and change.

Tech rehearsal starts now!

We are two days out.

I want to see sweaty bodies
and high knees.

What's happening?
Why do we need a tech rehearsal?

I just added a few flourishes
to the ceremony.

Wardrobe!

The wardrobe is my wedding dress.

No, that's your fourth change,

so go ahead and put on
these processional outfits

- and let's do this.
- (EUROPE'S FINAL COUNTDOWN PLAYS)

ADULT ADAM: Yep,
my mom believed in going big.

- Why do I have a sword?
- I don't think I can walk in this.

Oh, you won't be walking.
Good men of Rome!

Then she went even bigger.

Cue the buglers!

♪

Some would say over the top.

- Where are my unicorns?
- (HORSES WHINNY)

Way, way over the top.

Unicorns aren't real!

This whole thing can't be real!

Cue the New Orleans jazz band!

(FINAL COUNTDOWN CONTINUES)

Wow. She's really all over the map

with the different styles and genres.

Yeah, that's the problem.

Cherry blossoms! Flutter! Now!

How did that happen?

Six men are living
in those trees full-time.

They pee in buckets.

Fire-eaters, you should be lit by now!

Mom, we have to talk about this!

One step ahead of you.

We need more. Way more.

And where the hell are my acrobats?

Yep, those guys were there, too.

My mom left nothing out.

This looks expensive.

Where the hell did my mom go?

Something tells me that giant
clamshell is gonna clue us in.

Here's my big reveal!

(VOCALIZING)

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say ♪

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪

ADULT ADAM: It was March nd,
-something,

and my mom had turned
my sister's wedding

into a literal freak show.

Erica was coming undone.

It's all too much.
I think I'm losing it.

I've never seen you like this.

It's like all your sarcastic,
tough-girl energy

has been sucked away and
replaced with nervous anxiety.

Oh, God! I'm you!

- You're me!
- We can't have two yous!

I know. One me is too many!

Trying to watch the Weather Channel,

and I already missed the dew point!

The dew point!

You want to know the weather?

I'm spinning like a tornado here!

Yeah, sure, whatever.

That's it! I'm almost your husband,

and it is time that I stand up for you.

Time to go confront your mom.
Here I go!

- You're not moving.
- Building up to it.

Sending the message
from my brain to my muscles.

Here I mostly go!

(GRUNTS)

♪

Mrs. Goldberg, I need...

One second, Geoff, I've got a troupe

of Chinese acrobats lost in Delaware.

Ni xuyao shang bei,

huozhe wo hui ba no shuai dao taikong.

Now, you selfishly need something

hours before my glorious day?

It is about your
glorious day, actually.

It has turned into something

way bigger than we expected.

Oh, thank you for noticing.

It was impossible not to notice.

You're just saying that.

Are you trying to sweet-talk
your mother-in-law?

No, what I'm trying to say is,

our small, intimate ceremony

has turned into
an over-the-top spectacle.

You really think so?

I don't think you're gonna hear
this how I intend it, but... Yes?

You know, I don't say this enough,

but you are not that bad, Geoffrey.

Now you relax. I'm gonna confirm

the surprise musical entertainment.

I'm not gonna give any hints,
but let's just say

it hits all the right "Marks."

Seems like you're suggesting it will be

multiple people named Mark.

Well, aren't you the sleuth.

Now go enjoy your last day of freedom.

But don't eat anything,
or else you won't fit

into your sequined matador costume.

I measured you in your sleep.

But I don't live
in the same house as you.

I know.

- How'd it go?
- Extremely terribly.

Oh, God! There's nothing
we can do to stop this!

ADULT ADAM: It was hopeless. Or was it?

We have a winter storm alert.

We had hoped that it might miss us,

but now Philadelphia
is directly in the path of a doozie.

Is this really happening?

This is really happening, folks.

- Yes!
- I just heard the word "storm"!

It had better be over a place
that doesn't matter,

like wherever it is that farmers are.

Nope, right here.
Crazy unseasonal winter blast.

They're saying it's gonna be a doozie.

But wait. Oh, no! The wedding!

Schmoo, don't fret.

I'll just send that nor'easter
back out to the sea

with my endless well of Mama love.

Yeah.

What exactly is happening?

Foul tempest, I banish thee!

The weather, you can't control it.

Begone, evil squall!

Will you look at that?

Now our storm is actually
changing course!

Changing wha...

In all my years of meteorology,

I've never seen anything like this!

(GRUNTING)

ADULT ADAM: No one had.

It had to be a crazy coincidence, right?

Folks, we've been spared.

See? It's all good.

We're gettin' married! Mwah!

(LAUGHS)

I don't... I can't... How?

Is my mother-in-law a storm god?

ERICA: I guess we have
no choice but to accept it.

This wedding is happening. (GROANS)

ADULT ADAM: As Erica continued to spin,

Barry and I also had strong
feelings about the big day.

So, what are you planning
for Erica's marriage thingy?

Showing up.

- You?
- I may pop in.

What are you gonna
wear to this shindig?

Mom rented me a tux,
top hat, and tails.

- You didn't get the cane?
- I don't need a cane!

My legs are made of oak.

I'm using either a king's scepter
or a tactical hiking axe.

I'm going with
a bejeweled wizard's staff.

Oh! Why?

For upstaging me with sorcerer's items!

Now I may not go at all.

ADULT ADAM: Meanwhile, Geoff was going

to stand up to my mom again

by pretending to be sick.

- (COUGHS)
- (TRAY CLATTERS)

You coughed. What's happening?

Nothing. I-I just have
this cough, I guess.

- (COUGHS)
- (GASPS)

Which I guess you just heard.

(COUGHS)

There it was again.

Geoffrey, you get married
in less than hours.

You cannot be sick.

Oh, no! You don't think we may
have to delay the wedding, do you?

That would be awful,
but it's your call,

and definitely the right one.

Take three cherry drops, two menthol,

and one of these weird European ones

that taste like a yodeler's armpit.

I think it might be
more serious than just a cough.

What are your symptoms, Geoffrey?

Because all you need to be is upright

and able to mumble, "I do."

Well, I'm dizzy.

My tummy's bothering me,
but it's also my head.

My eyeballs are hot.

My teeth are cold.

And is this a thing?
My tongue, it's expanding.

(LISPING) Loog, ith happenink light mow!

Smart. Call off the wedding.

I'm not calling off (BLEEP).

Get me all the doctors!

Doctors? W-We don't need to
bring medical professionals into this.

We are gonna poke, prod,
and check your fluids,

and if all goes well,
smash you together good as new!

Adam! Barry!

Is it time for the wedding?
I'm not showering.

I've thought about it,

and I no longer want the
honor of being the ring bearer.

Mostly 'cause I lost that tiny pillow.

Nothing to be alarmed about,
but I'm taking Geoffrey

to every physician
in the Philadelphia area.

- Sounds right.
- How does that concern us?

Since I'll be busy with Geoff,
it means you boys

need to take Erica to our scheduled
Mother-Daughter Spa Day.

Spa day? That's girl stuff.

Yeah, do these rugged hands look like

they would ever take part
in whatever feminine hijinks

goes on in that building that
was clearly a Taco Bell once?

I'm with Barry. No Taco Bell toes.

You'll get a pedicure, a facial,

and a hot-stone massage.

And make sure that
Erica gets the stress relief

she so desperately needs!

Here I go, I guess!

Great. Now we have to be pampered.

Weddings are so challenging

for the brothers of the bride.

ADULT ADAM: As we set off
to relax with Erica,

Geoff was about to do anything but.

This boy is not well.

Drain him, scan him, and scrape him,

mouth to exit. Leave nothing out.

You can leave the exit out!
M-My exit is perfect!

N-Not that I examine it!

I mean, it... It does its job.

Relax. (CLEARS THROAT)

Let's explore.

ADULT ADAM: As Geoff
did anything but relax,

that's all we were doing.

Robes? I don't do well
in loosely-bound clothing.

I'm a magnet for ill-timed
breezes and errant doorknobs.

Love your body, Adam.

I love mine.

It's why I don't use the belt.

Well, you should.

I'm already freaking out
about this wedding.

There can't be more for me to unsee.

- What's her problem?
- Who am I?

The guy who wants to know her?

Oh, my God, you two dopes are so lucky.

No one will ever marry you.

Oh, no, thank you!

I don't like it when people touch my...

F... Hachi machi!
Ooh, please do not stop

until you are legally mandated to.

ADULT ADAM: And so, our
very different journeys began.

As we found ourselves in
a state of deep relaxation...

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, really get in there.

Geoff, on the other hand, did not.

Please don't make me
go in there! Please!

Oh, man. That is cool.

Uncool! Shouldn't I
be wearing a lead vest?

♪

Do hot stones hurt?

Do spinal taps hurt?

Ooh.

Ohh!

ALL: Ooh!

Aah!

Today was so nice.

Thank you guys
so much for coming with me.

- I had a great time.
- This was amazing.

Wait. Are you guys crying?

All these luxurious treatments
have opened up things in me.

I know. I'm examining my life
in ways I never have before.

I'm just so happy
that you're marrying Geoff.

It's just so beautiful.

It really is. For the first time,

my pores and my heart are open.

You're marrying my best friend.

Oh.

I would go over there,
but it's just too far.

ADULT ADAM: While the spa made us right,

the doctor couldn't find anything wrong.

We've run every test imaginable, son.

I mean, some not in the least bit
routine for a man of your age.

The mammogram did give me pause.

I can't find anything wrong with you.

Well, then there
has obviously been an error.

Geoff, back in the tube.

No, don't make me go back in
that mean robot's belly!

Have you been feeling
any stress recently?

A little.

Got a wedding coming up.

I have a diagnosis...

A classic case of cold feet.

Impossible. Geoff loves Erica.

All he wants to do is marry her.

It's too bad that Dr. Cold Hands
here couldn't help me.

(COUGHS) Guess I'll have to
go tell Erica the bad news...

We'll have to indefinitely postpone.

ADULT ADAM: And that's when my mum

made a diagnosis of her own...

Geoff was full of (BLEEP).

ADULT ADAM: After being
forced by our mom

into a pre-wedding day of relaxation,

my siblings and I were riding high.

Spas are the best!

Who knew my skin, nails, and brows

could look as perfect
as the rest of me?

Lately I've been feeling crazy
with all this wedding stuff,

so I'm really happy

that we got to do
this spa thing together,

the three of us.

Sis, we're the lucky ones.

We got several uninterrupted
hours with the bride!

I don't see why we shouldn't
do this every weekend.

We're spa siblings now.

Spa siblings? I love it.

(SIGHS) Is she the best?

I feel like she's the best,

and we've taken it for granted
our entire lives.

Definitely. We gotta do something

to keep her in a good head space
this weekend.

What if we made her a batch
of that cucumber water from the spa?

Yes! To the crisper drawer!

Beverly, for the, uh,

ceremonial smashing of the glass,

will a liturgical broom
and dustpan be provided,

or is the one from my garage okay?

Forget the wasteful ancient
traditions of my people!

We got a bigger problem.

The groom is the picture of health.

Well, that sounds like good news

for a young man about to be wed.

It's not. The doctor says
he's got a raging case of the yips.

Ooh. Yeah, that burns.

No! It means he's got cold feet.

Oh, my. And as the terrifying
mother of the bride,

I trust that you're gonna
give him the space and time he needs

to come to his senses?

I am gonna bring so much pain,

he'll need a second epidural
after the one

I forced him to get earlier.

I may be but a humble deacon
masking as a rabbi

for the wedding of my
boss' daughter, but...

that is a bad idea.

It could permanently affect
your relationship with Erica.

Erica. Crap!

I forgot she was even part of this!

You thinking what I'm thinking?

We wallop Geoff
with these cukes and picks?

It's time the brothers Goldberg

had a little chat with the groom.

ADULT ADAM: And so, Barry and I

set out to defend our spa sibling

by giving Geoff a little
special treatment of his own.

Nice style choice, fellas.

Barry, you look like David Bowie

in his business-chic years, and, Adam,

you look like Meryl Streep
in Kramer vs. Kramer.

That is so kind.

She had so much gravitas and...

- And we're tough guys!
- That's right.

We exude danger,
and you're terrified of us

and the lines we might cross.

The only thing I'm terrified about

is that I haven't offered you
a lemonade.

Will you guys get on in here?

Don't tell me what to do.

I tell you what to do
'cause I'm bad cop.

And you know what? I'm also bad cop!

Dude, we can't both be bad cop.

It's twice as intense.

ADAM: Which gives him
no reason to trust us.

Who are you, good bad cop?

Did you guys need something, or...

- You say nothing!
- Talk and die!

GEOFF: Whoa!

Tell us why you don't wanna
marry Erica!

What? Who said that?

Tell us why you're gonna smash
our sister's delicate heart

into a million tiny pieces!

Barry? Adam? What's going on?

Your brothers are trying
to intimidate me for some reason.

I hate that you have to
learn it this way,

but since we are spa siblings,
you must know...

Geoff, he doesn't wanna marry you.

And we'll take any number
of household items

to do harm upon him.

Because spa siblings.

I do wanna marry Erica,
and what the hell is a spa sibling?

Aw, did you guys thr*aten
my fiance on my behalf?

- Wow, we really did bond today.
- So hard.

Family finally means something to me.

And Geoff doesn't have cold feet.

He's just faking sick
to get out of the wedding.

If you wanna get married,
why are you trying to get out of it?

Because Mom planned the most
over-the-top ceremony of all time.

Geoff was just trying
to give me what I want.

- Aww.
- He cherishes you.

I really do.

I know that only moments ago,
we were planning

on committing v*olence upon you,

but now all that rage has turned into

a mushy clump of love.

We're all spa siblings!

I guess since this whole
sick thing didn't work out,

there's only one thing left to do.

Hide in the attic like I did
when my dad tried

to make the family walk
the Freedom Trail?

- It's like a hundred miles long.
- No.

It's my wedding.

I gotta stand up to my mom.

- That's not gonna end well.
- Probably not.

But she's not gonna do it alone.

We're a team.

ADULT ADAM: While our feelings
toward Geoff had warmed,

it seemed the weather had not.

What do you mean
all flights are canceled?

Baruch ata adonai...

Aunt Ida, just, uh, hand the phone

to the witch typing loudly
in the background.

Melech ha-olam...

Is that the proper amount
of guilt and phlegm?

I don't care what the FAA says,

the BEV says open all the gates!

No one's ever been k*lled
by a little ice.

Actually, Grandfather Antoine
met the Lord

while grabbing the Ottawa Journal
on our driveway sleet.

Olav ha-sholom, Pappy Brown.

Don't you put me on hold...
D... Dammit!

LOU: Beverly, we have big problems.

Cousin Hertzel is stuck in Newark!

And I heard that Geoffrey
wasn't feeling well

from multiple calls from
our panicked insurance agent.

Relax, Linda, I made sure
he had every tube,

needle, and camera jabbed into him.

And do you know what the diagnosis was?

- Cold feet.
- Like frostbite?

Oh, Lou's side does have a history
of terrible circulation.

And your whole family are Ferrignos?

Oh, my God! You're all
so stressed and miserable.

- It's hilarious.
- Everyone stop!

I don't have cold feet!

Yes! So my plan to not k*ll you
was the right one.

We need to talk about the wedding.

Erica, believe me, Mama will make sure

that everything goes as planned.

- That's just the thing...
- MURRAY: Hey!

The storm is back and tracking
right into us, folks.

Please, cancel those plans
and stay inside.

No! I diverted you once,
Mother Nature, and I'll do it again.

Move, wretched blizzard!

ADULT ADAM: Not if my sister
had anything to do with it.

Come on, storm buddy.

Ice us! Ice us but good!

The temperature is dropping
incredibly fast.

They have a concerning amount
of confidence

in their sway on Nature.

Erica, you're moving
the storm the wrong way!

I'm moving it right where I want it!

Stop! It's for our dream wedding!

This isn't my dream wedding,
it's yours!

How dare you.

I have been working non-stop
to make everything perfect.

How dare you!

I wanted something simple and sweet,

but you've turned it
into a literal circus.

I think I saw a bearded lady.

That may have been my Great Aunt Edna.

She has pituitary issues.

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLES)

Oh. Well, I hope you're happy,

'cause now it looks
like there's not gonna be a wedding.

Of course I'm not happy, Mom.

I can't wait to marry Geoff,

but I just want it to be
my wedding and not yours.

♪

ADULT ADAM: Thanks to the weather,

Erica and Geoff's wedding was off.

But an unexpected ice storm...

- (KNOCK ON DOOR)
- Wasn't the only surprise that day.

Are you...

Rock-Pop sensation Richard Marx?

In the smoking-hot flesh.

Not the real Richard Marx.

No, I definitely am
the real Richard Marx.

Look at my lustrous hair.

This gorgeous mane sold
million albums alone.

And this smile?

- Another .
- If you're the real Richard Marx,

then how big is a Grammy?

Well, I don't think you have
to be Richard Marx to know that, but...

- About yea big.
- It is him.

The man who wrote Don't Mean Nothin'

about the perils of
the entertainment business.

Serious question, who's that for?

Look, your mother hired
me to play a wedding,

but the roads are closed, so...

I wanted to return her check.

Richard Marx is a class act.

It's true. Global superstardom

and endless wealth haven't changed me.

Anyway, it's really bad
out here. Could I come in?

Although I do feel like
I know you intimately

because of your emotional lyrics,

you're still a stranger.

- Dad!
- MURRAY: What?

- Can Richard Marx come in?
- No!

But I'm Richard Marx.

He's always grumpy.
Just don't set up in front of the TV.

I've written a ton of power ballads.
You, uh, wanna hear 'em?

Not even a little.

ADULT ADAM: As we
welcomed in a global pop star,

my mom had to face her own music.

Hey.

- Hey.
- Errm.

I want to tell you something.

What? Did one of the unicorns

accidentally gouge a fire-eater?

I am sorry.

I wanted to throw you a wedding as big

as the love I have for you

instead of the one you really wanted.

Mom, I tried to tell you,

the wedding of my dreams

just needs this guy
that I'm crazy about

and the people that we love around us.

Nothing more.

I see that now.

Um, well, come on.
I want to show you something.

Oh, you might want to
put on your dress and tux.

(RIGHT HERE WAITING PLAYS)

ADULT ADAM: And so,
in the house she grew up in,

surrounded by all the people she loved,

what was the biggest wedding
in Jenkintown history

became the smallest.

And it was just what Erica wanted.

♪

Oh, my God. This is incredible.

MURRAY: My little peanut.

Yeah, well, your brothers
took care of most of it.

For you, we'd do anything.

♪

We don't say it enough,
but we love you, sis.

So much.

That's so sweet.

And holy crap. Is that Richard Marx?

- Damn right it is.
- Hello.

He's the only thing
I kept from the original celebration.

Is it okay?

Mom, this is perfect.

Thank you.

♪

MURRAY: Sweetheart.

♪

You ready?

I've never been more ready
for anything in my life.

ADULT ADAM: So, under the
glow of our candlelit living room,

Erica and Geoff,
high school sweethearts,

got hitched.

Sometimes, the right guy has
always been there,

carrying a cello
and unable to eat Thai food.

But I love your kindness,
your compassion,

your endless patience, and your love.

ADULT ADAM: It wasn't
what they had planned.

You've never washed a dish,

nor accepted any criticism

in the gentle way I intended.

(CHUCKLES)

But you've also never
backed down from a fight

when you knew it was
the right thing to do.

♪

I love your strength.

I love your courage.

I even love your family.

(CHUCKLING)

But mostly, I love you.

♪

ADULT ADAM: But it turned out
to be the perfect night

for the perfect couple.

VIC: By the power vested in me,

by the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania,

I pronounce you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

MARX: ♪ Wherever you go ♪

♪ Whatever you do ♪

♪ I will be right here waiting for you ♪

♪ Whatever it takes ♪

♪ Or how my heart breaks... ♪

ADULT ADAM: Geoff was right.

We all felt the love
in the house that night

as our families joined to become one.

♪

It was a dream come true.

♪ You've got me going crazy... ♪

ADULT ADAM: For Erica and Geoff,

for my parents,

for all of us.

♪ I will be right here
waiting for you ♪

My baby's married!

(ALL CHEERING)

♪

Excuse me. I was wondering if I
could maybe get my check back now?

Your check for what
exactly, Richard Marx?

For my performance.

- I kinda nailed it.
- Oh, my.

A certain platinum artist
is very big for his britches.

Well, I'll tell you what.

I'm gonna write down a number,

and you can either take it or leave it.

That is not a number.

And why would I do that to myself?

Oh, boo-hoo. Write a sad song about it.

Oh, I will! And it'll be
a number-one smash hit!

- There you go.
- And I'm taking this!

- Beautiful hair.
- You, too.