02x09 - It's a Handbag

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Looney Tunes Show". Aired: May 3, 2011 - November 2, 2013.*
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02x09 - It's a Handbag

Post by bunniefuu »

[instrumental music]

Hey, I'm off to the mall.

What do you do there every day?

- You don't have any money.
- I don't need money.

I go to the food court
and eat free samples.

Hmm.

Are you looking for your purse?

It's in the closet.

It's a handbag, not a purse.

Why don't you just
carry a wallet?

And what am I supposed
to do with all my items?

What items?

My phone

sunglasses

my mints, my lip gloss

my scrunchies.

Ugh, I can't believe

you go out looking like that.

[gasps]
You're right.

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

[knocking on door]

Oh, no.
What'd he do?

He didn't do anything.
His purse was stolen.

It was a handbag.

Anyway, he was
extremely distraught

so we gave him a ride home.

Oh, do you want
a medal for that?

Where were you when I
was being criminalized?

So we can leave him with you?

Eh..

We'll let you know
if we find your purse.

Handbag!

'Ohh.'

What happened?

I was in the food court.

I had just finished
some mini-meatballs

when I noticed
the cinnaball girl

with a tray of cinnaballs.

Over here, doll.

Mm. Mm!

Oh, that's nice.

So light.

I'd eaten about four or five

when she jerked
the tray away from me

and told me I'd had enough.

What do you mean,
I've exceeded my sample limit?

Where does it say anything
about a sample limit?

Naturally, I became enraged.

You can't just arbitrarily
make up rules.

This is insanity!
This is kafkaesque!

I am a valued customer!

What does this have
to do with your purse?

For the last time,
it's a handbag.

And I am getting to it.

In order for you
to understand what happened

you need to know the backstory.

Actually, the backstory's
not important.

When I turned around,
my handbag was gone.

So get another handbag.

That handbag was irreplaceable.

I got it years ago in Paris

when I was modeling.

What?

I mean, look at me.

'So young and innocent.'

[gasps]
'Oh, there's me with the bag.'

[sobbing]
My handbag.

My beautiful handbag.

[crying]

Alright, I can't listen
to this anymore.

- Where are you going?
- The mall.

I'm gonna get you a new handbag.

- I told you it's irreplaceable.
- Fine.

But if you insist

get something in, like,
a chocolate brown, you know.

Something versatile.
Just not black.

And it should have
a lot of pockets.

It needs to be functional

but still fashionable.

But nothing too big.

I don't want a tote.

He's gonna get me a tote.

Uh, what do you mean,
I've exceeded my sample limit?

It didn't say anything
about a sample limit.

Hello, I am a different person

and I'm very interested
in one of these samples.

Oh, my gosh!

Is that Bugs?

Oh, I mean, oh, my gosh.
Is that Bugs?

Ooh!

Where did he go?

There he is.

What is he buying a purse for?

[gasps]
Our anniversary!

It's this Friday.
He's buying me a purse.

Oh, Bun-bun.
You're so sweet.

I can't believe I almost
forgot our anniversary.

Oh, what am I gonna get
for Bugs?

[clears throat]
I mean what am I
gonna get for Bugs?

[instrumental music]

Ehh..

Eh..
I'm a valued customer.

I want another cinnaball.

[dramatic music]

[grunting]

[crying]

Aah!

Ooh!

- Hello?
- Hey, it's me.

What time you want me
to pick you up for date night?

Date night?
I can't go anywhere.

What's wrong with you?

I was the victim
of a violent crime.

- What happened?
- My handbag was stolen.

You were mugged?
Did you get b*at up?

No. I just turned around
and it was gone.

Then you weren't the victim
of a violent crime, you nitwit.

You probably just
left it somewhere.

I told you not to carry a purse.

Handbag.

The point is it's gone

just like my innocence.

Before this,
I would look at strangers

as a friend I hadn't met yet.

I saw the possibility

and the beauty in everything.

'I was like a new-born child.'

'I lived my life
with an open heart.'

'I can't get the person
I was back'

'that person is gone.'

'Tina?'

'Tina? Tina?'

Mm, this is kind of nice.

Clean. It's crisp.

He'd look good in this.

Wait a second.
I can't just get Bugs a shirt.

It's our anniversary.

I've gotta get him
something incredible.

Something extraordinary.

And I don't care if I have to go

to the ends of the Earth
to find it.

[dramatic music]

Hi! Yes, uh, I'm interested
in hiring a bodyguard.

I guess 24 hours a day,
seven days a week.

Ex-special forces guy?
Ooh.

Yeah, that sounds good.

Twenty five hundred a day?

Wow.
That's kinda steep.

But if it means not having
to look over my shoulder

in fear for the rest of my life

then I guess it's worth it.
Let's do it.

The name on the card
is Bugs Bunny.

The number is 2-5-4-6-7-7..

[engine revving]

I'll call you back.

[beeps]

[instrumental music]

(Bugs)
'What the..'

[knocking on door]

- Can I help you?
- Why doesn't my key work?

I had the locks changed.
You can't be too careful.

- Daffy, let me in.
- What's the password?

There is no password.
This is my house.

Fine.
But there is a password.

And it's "The leprechaun
is in motion."

What?
That's not a password.

That's a pass sentence.

Oh, uh, then the password is..

zero, eight

four, four..

L-X-Z

four, one

seven, dash

six, six

four, seven

one, four, four, thirteen.

- Just let me in!
- Not without the password.

Fine. What is it again?

Zero, five..
Oh. No, wait.

Zero, three..
No, wait. What was it?

Oh. I've forgotten
the password.

Well, I can't let you in

without the password.

Please.
Please let me in.

I'm begging you.
It's me, Daffy.

Alright.
Just this once.

Unlock the door
and I'll let you in.

Thank you, thank you.
Thank you so much.

[instrumental music]

Hey, Bugs!
Let me in!

- I'm vulnerable out here.
- It's unlocked.

Are you out of your mind?

You just leave
the door unlocked?

Not that I wanna reward
this kind of behavior

but here.

'I got you something.'

- What is it?
- It's a new handbag.

This isn't a handbag.
This is a clutch.

- A what?
- Ugh!

A handbag is a versatile bag

that you can carry every day.

It goes with any outfit.

It's practical, wearable.

This is a clutch.

It's a strapless bag

that is clutched in the hand.

It's an evening bag
for a fancy night out

like a night at the opera.

Not that you ever take me
to the opera.

Fine. I'll return it.

Well, let's not be hasty.

It's good to have options,
you know.

Maybe one night, you actually
will take me to the opera.

Not that I'd even wanna go. I
don't wanna go anywhere anymore.

I don't feel safe, I mean, look

there's not enough room
in here for pepper spray.

I can barely fit my credit card.

That's my credit card.

Fine, I'm gonna go see
if there's anything

in my closet
that goes with this.

I would have been
better off with a tote.

I'm a valued customer.

I want another cinnaball.

[dramatic music]

[sobbing]

Eh..

Do you mind if I sleep with you?

[snoring]

[phone ringing]

- Hello?
- Hi, Bugs.

Just making sure we're all set

for Friday night.

Uh, sure.
What's Friday night?

[chuckling]
Oh, yeah.

Alright, okay.

See you then, 8 o'clock.

[exhales]
Now what am I gonna get Bugs?

Oh!

Hmm. I like the frame.

Oh, her face is tough.

What is she thinking?

Well, this is nice.

Oh, but it's broken. Ugh.

Ooh!
This is perfect.

Excuse me, miss. Hi.
How much for this painting?

- Pardon?
- Oh, sorry.

You speak French?
Luckily, so do I.

[in French accent]
I am looking for
a very special gift

for my boyfriend and I
wanted
to buy this painting.

Oh, I have a 20.

And two ones.

So, your lucky day.
That is $22.

Well, the French
really are rude.

Wait a second, I can't get this.

Bugs is allergic to sunflowers.

Well, time for plan B.

I can't take it anymore.

I live in a constant
state of fear.

I can't sleep. I can't eat.

That's a good egg salad.
Here's the deal.

I need someone by my side
24 hours a day.

So, will you be my bodyguard?

- Why me?
- Porky, you'd be perfect.

For the past three years,
you've been taking karate.

I don't take karate.
I take Pilates.

Pilates?
What the heck is Pilates?

It's a body conditioning routine

that builds long, lean muscles.

And you've been taking
that for three years?

[scoffs]
You should get your
money back.

Well, forget it.
Go home.

- I'll figure something out.
- N-n-no, wait.

I wanna be by somebody's
side
24 hours a day.

I-I-I mean,
I wanna be your bodyguard.

I can't thank you enough.

Is there, like, Pilates homework
you haven't been doing?

[instrumental music]

You know today was the first day

since the incident
that I've felt like my old self.

Just knowing I had someone
watching over me

gave me the freedom
to get out there

and live my life again.

What do you mean,
"Get out there?"

You didn't go anywhere.
Is this what you do every day?

Well, I used to go to the mall

but I don't see myself
doing that anytime soon.

Of course, now that I
have a bodyguard

I guess anything is possible.

Okay.
Well, see you tomorrow.

See me tomorrow?
You're gonna see me all night.

Twenty four hours
means twenty four hours.

I wanna feel those
beady little piggy eyes

on me while I sleep.

[groans]

[instrumental music]

I don't know. Maybe I'm not
thinking big enough.

Bugs needs something big
and dramatic.

[gasps]
That's it!

'That's what I'll get Bugs
for our anniversary.'

Oh, it's perfect.
He'll love that.

[sighs]
No, wait.
I can't just get him one.

That'll look weird.

I'll have to get him
the whole set.

But then, three?
Is that too much pyramid?

Maybe that's a little
too much pyramid.

Ooh! what about that?

No, that wouldn't be good.


A pet is a lot
of responsibility.

He's already got Taz.

Man, this beach goes on forever.

Excuse me? How far till we get
to the ocean?

[camel grunting]

Eesh, and I thought
the French were rude.

Uh-oh, sliding.

Sliding, uh, off the hump.

Um, uh, person?
Person with the leash?

Sand in my mouth.

A lot of hot sand in my mouth.

[Lola spitting]

[phone ringing]

You gonna get that?

- Why would I get it?
- Because you're my bodyguard.

What if something happened
to me when I answered it?

The cord could get
wrapped around my neck.

It's a-a-a cordless phone.

(Daffy)
'Just get it.'

Hello?

It's the police.

[instrumental music]

Since we don't have
a lot to go on

we'd like you to look
through these mug sh*ts

and see if you recognize anyone

that might have
taken your purse.

- Handbag.
- Ma'am, relax.

We're just trying to help.

[music continues]

Nope.

Nope, uh-uh.

Hm.
Can I see that one again?

[music continues]

Aha!
I recognize this guy.

So this is the guy
who took your handbag?

No, he's my neighbor.
But someone's gotta pay.

That's not how it works.

I need closure.

Well, sometimes,
to help a victim access memories

they may have suppressed
due to trauma

we use hypnosis.

Here, this is the name
of the therapist we use.

[snoring]

Who's this guy?

My bodyguard.

[dramatic music]

[music continues]

[growling]

[roaring]

[music continues]

[screams]

crash

[music continues]

[beeping]

boom

[music continues]

I think Bugs already
has one of these.

[growling]

Yaah!

[snoring]

Hey!

[mumbling]

I-I'm sorry!

It's just very hard working

uh, 24 hours a day.

You're my 2 o'clock?

You're my therapist?

I thought you were a witch.

Well, some of us
gotta make a living.

We can't all mooch off
of Bugs Bunny.

[instrumental music]

Are you my 2 o'clock?

Oh.
Uh, I-I-I'm actually...

Right this way.

You're getting very sleepy.

When I snap my fingers

you gonna be all hypnotized.

So let me get this straight.

When the cops
can't do their jobs

they rely on voodoo..

[snoring]

Let's go back to the day

your purse was stolen.

Handbag.

It's a handbag.

What do you mean,
I've exceeded my sample limit?

Where does it say anything
about a sample limit?

(Hazel)
Good, you're there.

Now where's your handbag?

(Daffy)
It was hanging
on the back of my chair.

But now it's gone.

(Hazel)
Okay. Okay. Now look around.

What do you see?

[intense music]

(Daffy)
He's-he's got it.

That man, that man's
got my handbag.

- Who's got it?
- I can't tell.

I can't make him out.

Well, you gotta try.

He's in a dark jacket.

Good, good. What else?

His name's on the back.

(Hazel)
Okay!

Can you read it?

I don't know.
I think it's in Spanish.

"Mal Secur.."

"Mal Secura."

His name is Mal Securati.

Is this the name
on the back of the jacket?

Yes! That's it.
Mal Securati.

You fool!
This says "Mall security."

I bet your purse
is in the lost and found.

Wait. So I wasn't the victim
of a violent crime?

The only victim here is me

for having to sit here
with you wasting my time.

Now, get on out of here.

Guess I won't be needing
a bodyguard anymore.

[scoffing]
"Mal Securati."

Uh, I-I can't thank you enough.

I-I didn't realize I had been
suppressing so much for so long.

- It's all so clear now.
- I'll see you next week.

- Where were you?
- Daffy, eh, we need to talk.

I c-can't be your
bodyguard anymore.

- Okay.
- Wow.

Th-that was easier
than I thought.

Okay, also,
if we're gonna be friends

I-I need you
to-to treat me like an equal.

No way.
Now, give me a ride to the mall.

I've gotta pick up my handbag.

Well, one out of two isn't bad.

Ha ha.
Eh, baby steps, huh?

[instrumental music]

Here.

- What?
- It's nothing.

I mean, you deserve a gift
that's as amazing as you
are.

And I looked everywhere,
believe me.

But I just
ran out of time. So..

A shirt.
Wow.

Thank you.
I love it.

- You do?
- Sure.

I'd love anything you gave me.

Oh! Happy anniversary,
Bun-bun.

So, where's my present?

Oh.

Uh, it's..

...in the car.

I-I left it in the car.

Be right back.

Go ahead and order dessert.

I parked really far away.

Anniversary? Where am I gonna
get a gift at this hour?

Perfect, now I have a day bag

and an evening bag.

Aah!

[tires screeching]

My purse!
I mean, my clutch!

Someone stole my clutch.

Help! Stop him!

He's got my clutch!

Huh! Why does this
keep happening to me?

[instrumental music]

Man, this thing's small.
Can barely fit my credit
card.

Wait a second.
We met on a tennis court.

- So?
- In July.

It's April. Last night
wasn't our anniversary.

Oh. Right.
Yes.

Wait, then why were you
buying a purse?

(Daffy)
'Oh, I haven't seen these
in years.'

Look at this.
Oh, it's wonder.. Oh.

Here I am with Lauren Hutton

and a then-unknown Bo Derek.

And yes,
that's a Bob Mackie jumpsuit.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

[music continues]

Handbag.

Clutch.

Tote.

Bob Mackie jumpsuit.
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