02x13 - Daffy Duck, Esquire

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Looney Tunes Show". Aired: May 3, 2011 - November 2, 2013.*
Watch/Buy Amazon  Merchandise


Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck and the rest of the `Looney Tunes' characters are back with new adventures.
Post Reply

02x13 - Daffy Duck, Esquire

Post by bunniefuu »

[instrumental music]

He ha ha!

- Daffy!
- You don't gotta shout.

I'm right here, man.

Why are there lobsters
in my swimming pool?

Because your bathtub
wasn't big enough.

There you go.
Just like the ocean.

Why do you have lobsters at all?

I'm gonna sell 'em.
Lobsters go for $20 a pound.

I bet this chubber bubber
will fetch 100 bucks easy.

A relatively painless way
to make a living

if I do say so myself.

Ow! Bla-a-ah!

[screaming]

splash

snap snap snap

Relatively painless.

[theme music]

[cell phone ringing]

- Go.
- It's Tina.

(Daffy)
'Oh, hey.
Let me ask you something.'

If someone were to turn
their bedroom into a nightclub

would you be into that?

Don't turn your bedroom
into a nightclub.

I said someone.

(Tina)
Listen, there's something
I gotta talk to you about.

My dad's coming in to town.

Oh, meet the parents.

- How long's he here?
- A week.

But you're not gonna meet him.

Wait a second.
You didn't tell him about us?

Yeah, I told him I have
a boyfriend named Daffy Duck

and that's all he needs to know.

Are you ashamed of me?

You think your dad
won't like me?

Why? 'Cause I ain't
got no class?

'Cause I ain't got no money,
no job, no education?

Yeah, all that stuff.

Well, your dad sounds
very judgmental.

Look, Daffy, those things
don't matter to me.

You know I love you,
but my dad's tough.

He doesn't think
anyone's good enough for me.

I'll call you when he leaves.

Hey, dad!

So glad you made it!

People need to chill out.

[disco music]

Aah!

Hey, Bugs. What you doin'?

I'm going to the beach
to set some lobsters free.

Oh, fun,
I'd love to come with you

but I'm allergic to shellfish.

Uh..

Hey, Daffy, you and Tina
wanna do something

with me and Bugs this week?

I'm not allowed
to see Tina this week.

- Her dad's in town.
- So?

She doesn't want me to meet him.
She doesn't think he'll like me.

Well, you're gonna have
to meet him at some point.

I mean, don't you plan
on being with Tina forever?

I hope so.

Well, then, at some point
you're gonna have to ask him

for his daughter's hand
in marriage.

Do people still do that?

Daffy, Tina's not gonna
wait on you forever.

She's a catch.
You are lucky to have her.

I mean, you ain't got no class.

You ain't got no money,
no job, no education.

- So what do I do?
- I don't know.

But if you wanna keep Tina,
then you're gonna have

to convince her dad
that you're good enough for her.

See that place over there?

You mean
that rinky-dink copy store?

That's where I work. I'm
the assistant general
manager.

Well, as far as I'm concerned,
you shouldn't have to work.

That so-called
boyfriend of yours

he should be the one
taking care of you.

Dad, I like working.

And what does this Daffy Duck
do for a living, anyway?

- Tell me.
- Oh, you know, stuff.

Stuff?
What do you mean stuff?

Are you telling me
that he's unemployed?

Dad, Daffy's a good guy. He's...

- A lawyer?
- A what?

'Why didn't you tell me
he was a lawyer?'

I mean, that's fantastic.
This is great.

When am I gonna meet
this wonderful person?

Oh, you know, I don't know.

I'm sure he's very busy
being a liar. I mean a lawyer.

Honey, a young man
is never too busy

to meet his girlfriend's father,
remember that.

I can't believe
that you're dating a lawyer.

I can't either.

(Lola)
'Oh, hi, Tina.'

So you're here to see Daffy?
Is this your dad?

Hi. I'm Lola, Daffy's secretary.

Can I get you a cup of coffee
or a banana milkshake?

A coffee is fine.

ding

Uh, Mr. Duck,
we have some visitors.

(Daffy)
'I'll be right out.'

'Let me just wrap up this call'

'with the supreme court.'

You must be Mr. Russo.

It's such a pleasure
to meet the father

of the most
wonderful woman in the world.

You can call me Frank.

We saw your face on a bus bench.

Oh, that was Lola's idea.
Gets the firm's name out there.

Nothing wrong with a little
hustle. Am I right, Frank?

Well, this has been a lot of fun

but we gotta
get you checked in to the hotel.

Hotel? Hush.
You can't stay at a hotel.

- You'll stay at my house.
- No, no, no, no.

Oh, no, really?
Oh, that would be great.

- I-I hate hotels.
- Then stay at my place.

Honey, your apartment
is too small.

That's why I was staying
at a hotel.

No, no. I insist
you stay at my house.

What good is it to be successful
enough to own your own home

'with a pool
in an upscale neighborhood'

'if you can't share it?'

Then it's all settled.

Now come on, Tina,
we've taken up entirely too much

of this fine young man's time.

Ahem. Lola, will you get
Judge Judy on the line?

[door closes]

And I'll have
another banana milkshake.

Are you Daffy Duck?

Do I look like Daffy Duck?

I just need a signature.

What did he order now?

- Bring her in!
- Bring who in?

[horse neighs]

Bugs, I'm home! Hope you
didn't make a big dinner.

I'm kind of filled up
on banana milkshakes.

My pony's here!

- He's great.
- It's a she.

- She's great.
- Why did you order a pony?

Pony rides
can be very lucrative.

We got Gossamer
living across the street.

He's got a bunch
of little kid friends.

We charge 'em ten bucks a ride

bing, bam, boom,
money in my pocket.

Well, you're the one
who got rid of the lobsters.

Where's she gonna sleep?

Out here with Taz.
Don't worry about it.

It's not your problem.

No, wait, right now,
I've got my hands full

pretending to be a lawyer,
so it is your problem.

Why are you pretending
to be a lawyer?

Because Tina's dad is in town,
and I need to impress him.

[doorbell rings]

That's them now.

Oh, one more thing.

I told him he could stay
here
while he's in town.

Why did you do that?

I can't lose Tina.
I need him to like me.

[sighs]
Fine.

Oh, I also told him
this is my house

and you're my loser,
deadbeat roommate

who I'm letting stay here
until you get back on your feet.

I'm not just successful, you
know. I'm also
compassionate.

Frank.

What in the world
is that ridiculous

thing in the driveway?

Oh, it's my,
I mean, it's, uh, it's, uh..

It's my parade float.
I made it out of old newspapers.

It seemed like a good use of two
and a half years of my life.

Oh, you. You must be
the deadbeat roommate.

It's awfully nice of Daffy
to let you stay here.

Oh-ho-ho, you have no idea.

I don't have to pay
for anything around here.

Rent, food.
I just take, take, take.

Ah, Daffy's a saint
to put up with me.

Wow, Daffy, You have some
beautiful home here.

Thank you very much.
I like it.

Let me get you
something to drink.

Mm-hmm. And what is it
that, uh, you do again?

Nothing, really,
I mean, I've gone months

without leaving the house.

'Until this morning,
I was running a lobster farm'

out of the swimming pool,
but now I'm on to pony
rides.

Next week, who knows?

You see, I'm more of an idea guy
than a hard-work-follow-through

kind of guy.

Come on. I'll show you the pony.

Huh. Would you look at that?

No telling how old this is.

Want a bite?

I think your dad likes me.

Are you out of your mind?
Pretending to be a lawyer?

Tina, everyone
knows that a father

wants his daughter to be
with either a doctor or a lawyer

and I couldn't
pretend to be a doctor

because the last time I did
that, I almost k*lled
someone.

I'm gonna almost k*ll you.

This is crazy.
I thought you'd be happy.

I swear I can never predict
your reaction to things.

So this is your plan?

Just lie to my father
for the rest of your life?

I'm doing this for us,
I want your dad to like me

so that he'll say yes when
I ask for your hand in marriage.

- What?
- Relax. Not now.

One day in the future,
when you have a better job

and you can afford to give us
the lifestyle we deserve.

Well, I'm not a real wizard.

It just says that
on my business cards.

Dad, are you sure
you don't wanna stay with
me?

No, no, no, honey.
I'm fine, believe me.

Daffy'll take good care of me.

You don't hear that every day.

Sorry I have to work tomorrow.

We'll be fine. It'll give your
dad and me a chance to hang out.

Uh, don't you
have to work tomorrow?

Oh, right. I'm a lawyer.

What time do you usually
get in to the office?

I don't know.
Usually roll in around noon.

He's at his desk at 6:30.

- In the morning?
- Don't look at me.

I didn't tell you
to become a lawyer. Night!

- Goodnight, Frank.
- 'Nighty-night, guys.'

Hey, Bugs, thanks for going
along with the charade.

- I owe you one.
- 'Don't mention it.'

I'm serious,
if you ever need legal advice

you know who to call.

- An actual lawyer.
- Oh, right.

What are you doing?
This is my room.

If I'm gonna pretend to be you

might as well
get into character.

Sheesh. I really am filthy,
aren't I?

[disco music]

[chair squeaking]

[sighs]
I should have pretended
to be a doctor.

I have good news.

Tina's dad went home early, and
I can get back to my old life?

No. We got our first client.

Client?
Who told you to get a client?

I thought we agreed
never to answer the phone.

But you said you were bored.
I thought you'd be happy.

Swear I can never predict
your reaction to things.

[laughs]

Daffy's one disturbed
individual.

- What you reading there?
- My diary.

I'm learning a lot about myself.

[laughs]

- I wear a toupee?
- Really?

Well, it's a really good one.

I mean, I would have thought
that was your real hair.

I didn't know you were a lawyer.

I am this week,
so let me get this straight

you b*rned the roof of your
mouth on a slice of hot pizza

and now you want
to sue Pizzariba.

Why didn't you just blow on it?

No one told me to.

I need to be protected
from myself.

My mouth is ruined.
I can't talk no more.

You're talking right now.

Well, uh,
I can't taste nothin' no
more.

slurp

Mmm. This is good banana shake.

You can really
taste that banana.

I don't know.
Suing Pizzariba?

It just doesn't seem right.

Speedy's a decent,
hardworking person.

I've known him for years.
He lives in my house.

How many of you are
livin' over there?

Let's see,
there's me, Bugs, Speedy

Frank, and Taz.

Oh, and we just got a pony.

So will you take my case?

I'm sorry,
but Speedy's a friend.

Come on, I heard about this lady


who burnt her tongue
on a cup of hot coffee

and she won a million dollars.

A million dollars?

Lola, why don't you go ahead
and draw up a contract?

(Lola)
'You got it.'

'I'm sorry. What's a contract?'

beep beep beep

Woops!

[instrumental music]

- Oh, hey. Where you going?
- Work.

Work? It's Saturday. We were
gonna spend time with my
dad.

Tina, you knew when you
decided to date a lawyer

that there would be sacrifices.

For me, I'm afraid it's career,
then family.

I've always been
upfront about this.

There's nothing upfront
about this!

It's a giant lie!

I'll try to get home early,
but I can't promise
anything.

Dad. Bugs.

(Frank)
'We're out here, honey.'

[neighs]

- What are you doing?
- A pony ride.

Honey, I grew up
in the concrete jungle.

I've never been
on one of these things.

I've never seen one of these
things. I mean, this is
great.

- You wanna go next?
- No.

- I'm good.
- Hmm.

So Daffy can't hang out
with us today.

He's gotta work.

Wow. That kid really keeps
his beak to the grindstone.

Hey, Bugs, how 'bout you?
You got any plans today?

Oh, I never have plans.

Well, that's great. Come on,
let's go grab some lunch.

- I'll drive.
- Let's take the pony.

Can you believe this guy?
What a guy.

No, I really can't.

- Come on, Tina.
- I'll meet you there.

Giddy-up! Yah! Yah!

[laughs]

Giddy-up! Yee-hah!

[instrumental music]

One slice of hot pizza.

And we'll see just how hot.

What are you doing?
What's this?

- You just got served.
- You're suing me?

On behalf of my client.

Who is Samuel Rosenbaum?

- Our next door neighbor, Sam.
- Yosemite?

He wants me to pay him a million
dollars because my pizza's hot?

It's supposed to be hot.
Blow on it.

It's just business,
nothing personal.

Okay, then you
just got unserved.

I'll see you in court.

- You're not a lawyer.
- Tell it to the judge.

♪ Tu-du du-du-du ♪

♪ Duba-duba du
duba-duba du ♪

♪ Duba-duba du ♪

♪ Tu du-du-du-du ♪

♪ Duba duba du ♪

♪ Duba duba du ♪

♪ Tu du-du ♪

♪ Dubba dub dubba-dubba da ♪

♪ Dubba dub dubba-dubba da ♪

♪ Dubba dub dubba-dubba da ♪

♪ Da-da da-da ♪

♪ Pa rap pa ra ♪

♪ Pa ra-ra ra ♪

♪ Pa rap pa ra ♪

♪ Pa rap pa ra ♪

♪ Pa ra ra ♪♪

[gavel bangs]

We'll now hear opening
statements

in the case of "Samuel Rosenbaum

'versus Speedy Gonzales,
proprietor of "Pizzariba."'

'Mr. Duck, you may proceed.'

Thank you, Your Honor.

[clears throat]

The evidence that I will
present to you today

will prove beyond
a shadow of a doubt

that this gentleman,
Speedy Gonzales

Knowingly and willfully served
my client dangerously hot pizza

with no warning
and with no regard

for the physical and emotional
trauma that followed.

I will prove that Mr. Gonzales'
carelessness was no accident

but instead the direct result

of his endless need for speed.

We will show you
that had Mr. Gonzales

simply taken more time
between the oven and the table

to allow the pizza to cool,
then this senseless tragedy

could have been avoided.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury

Mr. Gonzales likes to brag
that he's the fastest mouse

in all of Mexico,
but this is America

and in America speed can k*ll

or in this case, burn.

Thank you, Your Honor.

Tchk.

Mr. Gonzales.

Uh, yeah,
he's not a real lawyer.

Hmm. Well,
then this case is dismissed.

Wow, that was fast,
I didn't even have time

to get business cards printed.

What about my million dollars?

Why didn't you tell me
you weren't a real lawyer?

- Aah!
- Get them out of my courtroom.

Tsk tsk tsk. Gringos.

[instrumental music]

What's the problem?
You went up the stairs.

Wish you didn't have to go, dad.

Oh, me, too, honey.
It was such a fun trip.

Attagirl.

Sorry you didn't get
to spend much time with Daffy.

Yeah, you know, honey, um,
it seems to me that, uh

you don't get to spend
much time with Daffy either.

Huh?

Sweetheart, I used to think that
you needed a guy with a good job

good education,
someone who could support
you

but what good is any of that
stuff if you never see the guy?

Seems to me
that Daffy is always working

and besides,
you can support yourself.

You're smart.
You've got a good job.

What you need is someone fun.

Someone who keeps
life interesting

someone who makes you laugh

someone a little crazy.

neigh

Someone like Bugs.

- Bugs?
- Bugs?

Frank, you got it all wrong.

I made up the whole thing,
so you'd like me.

I'm not a lawyer.
This isn't even my house.

This is Bugs' house.
I'm the deadbeat roommate.

I'm the one who ain't got no
money, no job, no education.

I'm the one for Tina!

Wait a second. You lied to
me?

He was afraid if he was himself,
you wouldn't like him.

I was too.

- Dollface, do you love him?
- Mm-hmm.

Well, then
that's all that matters.

And how 'bout you?

You got any other secrets

that you're not
telling me about?

Huh?

[laughs]

Ah, boy, I like this guy.

I'm watchin' him,
but I like him.

Me too.

So get this.

Tina's dad likes the real me
more than the fake me.

Does that mean I can
stop pretending to be you?

Yeah. Thanks again.

Man, it was kinda fun, actually.

Though I wasn't quite sure what
I was supposed to do with this.

[whistles]

[squeals]

My k*ller whale!

[disco music]

[theme music]

That's all, folks.
Post Reply