04x04 - Interesting People on Christopher Street

[bunniefuu]

- [MAN] I thought he got evicted.
- [COUGHING]

- [WOMAN] Did you want two more?
- [MAN ] I want something else.

[MAN ] Ooh, I'll have one of those.

[BAND PLAYING]

[APPLAUSE]

[WOLF WHISTLE]

[WOLF WHISTLE]

- [WHOOP]
- [WHISTLING]

- [CHATTERING]
- [BARKING]

[CHEERING]

[BARKING CONTINUES IN DISTANCE]

- Russell, is this the finale already?
- Yep.

But there was supposed
to be another act.

- What happened to Lidia?
- Lidia moved back to Ohio.

In the last hour?

Life's full of surprises.

She left her snake.

- And her dog.
- [BARKING]

[SCOFFS] Never mind.

♪ ♪

[MAN] Ow!

- [WHOOPING]
- [WOLF WHISTLE]

[WHISTLING]

[WHOOPING]

[CHEERING]

[APPLAUSE, CHEERING IN DISTANCE]

The curtain's stuck.

- It happens.
- Yes, but what should we do?

Hey. I separate nuts and bolts.

See? I put nuts with the
nuts and bolts with the bolts.

You are a stripper who
doesn't take anything off

and just stands there yelling at people.

This is neither of our problems.

Okay, that's not what...

Never mind.

♪ ♪

[CLAPPING]

[ORCHESTRA CONTINUES PLAYING]

Well, that's the end of the... show.

I hope it's been an
evening you will never...

- ever forget.
- [ORCHESTRA CONTINUES PLAYING]

You've been a great audience.

Please get home safe...

- [MICROPHONE CUTS OUT]
- ... and tip the...

tip the waitresses!

They're armed!

Thank you and...

good... Really?

- [SONG ENDS]
- [WOMEN SCREAM]

- [MAN LAUGHS]
- [COUGHING]

- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]
- [DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE]

Charlie, you guys are supposed to
play softer when I talk, remember?

I never know when you're gonna talk.

Basically, any time I come out here,

I'm gonna talk.

It's your funeral.

Lipstick.

[GROANS, EXHALES]

Boise, we still got a couple
of kinks to work out here.

- Oh, yeah? Like what?
- Well, the curtain stayed up,

the spot never hit me,
the band played too loud

while I was talking, my mic cut out.

- You want to write this down?
- No, I do not.

This is looking like a
half-assed burlesque show.

It is a half-assed burlesque show.

- Boise...
- Let's see how tomorrow goes.

- You keep saying that.
- Well, I'm a hopeful guy.

Come on. These are not hard fixes.

If we had a sound check, we'd
know if the mic is working.

Mic works. The sound guy just
wasn't behind the board yet.

- And the curtain and...
- Same guy who runs the board runs the curtain.

Maybe we could get a different
guy to run the curtain.

What am I, the WPA? A
f*cking chicken in every pot?

You think I got the kind
of money to hire a guy

just to run the curtain?

What's he do?

Huh.

Congratulations! You're
the new curtain guy!

Now, about the finale.

Do you gals have any idea
what you're doing out there?

- What do you mean?
- When you came out onstage,

some of you looked confused.

- Tilly?
- I just follow her.

We should do the finale
earlier in the show.

We're tired by then.

Or some rehearsal might help.

Unless the crashing into each
other is a creative choice.

No, that just happens.

And you...

- are you in your bra?
- Yeah.

- Why?
- Well, I can't go out there naked.

- There's laws.
- Where's your costume?

Oh, the strap broke. I can't fix it,

and Dribbles ate my pasty.

- Get me your costume. I'll have Zelda fix it.
- Who's Zelda?

I think she's the one who wears balloons

and pops 'em with her nails.

sh*t. More competition.

[GASPS] Hey, it's movie night tonight!

Oh, I love movie night.

You gonna stay for movie night, Midge?

Can't tonight. I'm late for something.

Next time. I promise.

All of this has to get better!

- [PHONE RINGING]
- [MAN] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

- Boise.
- I hear you.

They hear you. Everyone hears you!

[DOOR OPENS]

- [WHOOPING]
- [LAUGHTER]

♪ ♪

[DOOR CLOSES]

To new friends.

And the booze they bring.

- [CLINK]
- [CHUCKLES]

♪ And I'll move a mountain ♪

Mmm. Perfect.

- I'm really glad we finally did this.
- Me too.

I've been pulling all the late shifts

at the hospital this month.

The other doctors have families, so...

Don't worry. I like eating late.

Comes with the microphone.

It's very Spanish.

- The microphone?
- Eating late.

I lived there for a year.

They don't sit down till
: . Even the kids.

- It's very different.
- Oh, you got to live in Spain?

Was it amazing?

And delicious. The steak...

I was supposed to go
this year. For work.

But it fell through. Some other time.

- [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
- Spain.

So, how long have you lived
on el Lado Superior Oeste?

- Hmm?
- The Upper West Side. Spanish.

Got it. Well, I was born
on the Upper West Side.

I actually live in the
same building I grew up in.

Eso es increíble.

That's... good?

- Sí.
- I could tell by the smile

and the fact that you
didn't use the word "cancer."

Though you're a doctor, so
"cancer" could be your pickup line.

[LAUGHS] Eres una dama divertida.

You're very good.

- Gracias.
- Ah, timing.

Fill 'er up, please.

- And I think we're ready to order.
- Okay.

Uh, We'll both have a filete meio rara,

y una guarnicion de espinacas.

That's a medium-rare steak
with a side of spinach.

He lived in Spain.

I'll be right back with your drink.

[LIAM] So, you're a comedian.

Oh, that's English. Sorry.
Yes. I am a comedian.

And where do you get
the ideas for your jokes?

Will you excuse me a moment?

I wore the wrong hat.

Jamon iberico de bellota
el mejor del mundo.

Do you like ham?

No.

[WITH ACCENT] No. Spanish.

You are funny.

Have you ever seen a bullfight?

- Miriam!
- Susie.

- What are you doing here?
- Sorry to interrupt,

- but your kid is very sick.
- Oh, no.

Yeah, he's throwing
up all over the place.

Your rug's a total goner.
I think he needs a doctor.

I am so sorry, Liam. I have to go.

- Well, should I come?
- No. He needs a doctor.

- I am a doctor.
- Oh. Well, yeah, but probably not the kind he needs.

- I'm a pediatrician.
- He's an adult.

She said he's five.

Will you just come and
check on your g*dd*mn kid?!

Yes. I am so sorry about this.

Uh, we'll try it again. Really. Call me.

♪ We're a couple of swells ♪

♪ We stop at the best hotels ♪

♪ But we prefer the country ♪

♪ Far away from the city smells ♪

♪ We're a couple of sports ♪

♪ The pride of the tennis courts ♪

♪ In June, July and August ♪

♪ We look cute when
we're dressed in shorts... ♪

[SUSIE] You coulda told
me he was a f*cking doctor.

[MIDGE] I know. I'm sorry.

If I'd have known, I
would've said that the kid

had been abducted or something.

I promise to tell you next time.

And what do we need a code for?

All you have to do is call and
say, "I picked another loser,

come the f*ck down and save me."

We need the code in case
he walks by and hears me.

I don't want to hurt his feelings.

Well, all I know is this
is the third crappy date

you've been on this month.

You gotta kiss some frogs.

You can't date civilians.

- Well, who am I going to date?
- Someone in the business.

I am not gonna date a comic.

A comic? God, no. You f*ck that
frog before you date a comic.

- Then who?
- I don't know.

How about a ventriloquist?

Why the hell would I
date a ventriloquist?

He goes around with a toy.

You've got kids. Seems
like a slam dunk to me.

You've gotta be kidding.

At least he's bound
to have a personality.

Two, actually.

- A ventriloquist?
- Yes.

A man who sits with a
wooden version of a tiny man

on his lap and tries to make it talk.

That's who you want me to date?

When I look at you, I see ventriloquist.

Hey, Susie...

What, Miriam?

- When was the last relationship that you had?
- What?

We always talk about me and my
relationships. What about you?

I haven't seen you with anybody

- since we've been together.
- So?

- Just curious about your life.
- My life is you. That's it.

Thinking about you. Talking about you.

Waiting for you, rescuing
you from bullshit dates.

- I don't have time for anything else.
- Yeah, but...

As soon as I get you
off my f*cking hands

and make you a star, I can
shove you out on an iceberg

and focus on something else.

Fine.

What?

Maybe I've been hanging
out with you for too long,

but I actually do think
you wore the wrong hat.

[TV HOST] Two years ago,
you directed Vertigo,

Terrific film. Last year,
it was North By Northwest,

which completely ruined my love

of long walks through cornfields.

- Mission accomplished.
- [LAUGHTER]

And now we have Psycho, which
I understand is very scary.

So, let me ask you, Mr. Hitchcock,

because I'm curious: what scares you?

Hard-boiled eggs.

Hard-boiled eggs. I-I
was not expecting that.

I was thinking more
spiders, or ex-wives.

I find them disgusting.

Do you not find
hard-boiled eggs disgusting?

I confess, I have not
put much thought into it.

Well, you should...

[TV CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]

[MIDGE] Ethan, if you
have to make pee-pee,

just pee-pee and go back to bed.

It's not Ethan.

Papa, if you have to make pee-pee,

just pee-pee and go back to bed.

I don't have to make pee-pee!

Could I have a quick
word with you, please?

Hold on.

- [THUMP]
- Ow.

- What time is it?
- It's midnight.

And Susie is blasting
that damn TV again.

She's been having trouble sleeping.

The TV helps her relax.

Has she tried sleeping pills?

Your mother has a gallon
jug of them in the closet.

She says they make
her loopy the next day.

Same with your mother, but who can tell?

Who says my pills make me loopy?

I was just saying to Miriam

that Susie has stayed
here longer than expected.

Her friend dying in her
apartment really threw her.

I'm sorry, but when my close
friend Mordecai Glickman

d*ed playing squash,

I was back on the squash
court at : the next morning.

I forgot that it was to play Mordecai,

so it was all for naught,
but you get my point.

Her time here does seem endless.

And I told Asher he could bunk here.

Should I steer him to
some godforsaken motel?

There's room for Asher. It'll
be tight, but we'll get by.

Can I get anyone anything?

Zelda, it's so late. Why are you here?

Miss Susie is using a plate and a glass,

so I stayed late so I can wash them.

Zelda, I'll wash Susie's
plates when she's done.

- But that's my job, Miss Miriam.
- It doesn't matter.

So I should go to the comedy buildings

and make with the jokes...
because it doesn't matter?

Is the TV too loud?

What TV? I didn't
hear the TV. Was it on?

- I can turn it down.
- You don't need to turn it down.

I'm gonna find my own
place any day, I promise.

Stay as long as you like, Susie. Really.

Yes, yes, the invitation is open-ended.

Good night, Susie.

- See you in the morning.
- Yeah.

What are you still doing here?

- Excuse me, Abe?
- Yeah.

There's a guy here.

He's been sitting in the
hallway for half an hour.

We finally asked, and he
said he was a friend of yours.

- Of mine?
- Then he said, "Check that.

Abe and I used to be friends,
because a friend doesn't

s*ab a friend in the
back with a rusty Kn*fe

dipped in arsenic, then
wrap a guitar string... "

I got it. Thank you, Isobel.

- Asher.
- Abe. Hello.

Why didn't you come get me?

I could see you were busy
typing... it looked important.

Maybe you were tattling
on a sick relative

or ratting out your son
for stealing a Necco Wafer

when he was .

Moving on.

I have us all set up
with Michael Kessler

to deal with the FBI, so feel at ease.

He's a great attorney.
Best in the business.

Sacco and Vanzetti had the
best in the business, too.

Must have been a great comfort

as they sat in their electric chairs

listening to their brains melt.

I'm almost done here. Come sit with me.

- I don't want to bother you.
- You want to

walk around the Village
a bit? Get some souvenirs?

I stepped on a spent
condom coming in here,

so I'm all set for souvenirs.

Yes, good. Okay. I'll be right out.

Don't rush.

Swear I had coffee cups
when I left the factory.

- Just use a bowl.
- I don't have bowls.

You don't have bowls?
Don't you eat soup?

I don't trust soup.
It tells you it's food,

but you eat it, and you're never full.

- [PHONE RINGS]
- Feels like a scam.

Hello?

- [SHIRLEY] Hello, Joely.
- Hi, Ma.

- It's your mother, Shirley.
- I know, Ma.

- What can I do for you?
- Oh, nothing.

I was just checking in.
How's your new apartment?

- It's great.
- So you don't miss us at all?

What do you need, Ma?

I was just wondering where
you're gonna be on Friday night.

- [JOEL] I'll be at the club.
- You're sure?

- I'm sure.
- Around : ?

- Why, Ma?
- No reason.

- Is your blue suit pressed?
- Why, Ma?

Because you look very
nice in your blue suit.

- Thank you, but...
- Well, it was nice catching up.

Remember, wear your blue
suit Friday night. I love you.

- And your room is here when you want it.
- Ma?

- Wait, Ma.
- [LINE DISCONNECTS]

So, when this soup tells you it's food,

does it speak or spell it out
in little alphabet letters or...

I think it's time for
you to meet my parents.

- Did you hear me?
- Nope.

I put them off for as long as I could,

- but we are out of time.
- Nope.

- We have no choice.
- Nope.

- Mei.
- Are you insane?

- I know it'll be awkward.
- It'll be a disaster!

Joel. I mean...

They won't care that you're short.

But they will care that I
look like their dry cleaner.

You're in luck. My mother
does not use a dry cleaner.

Are you aware of all the
colorfully descriptive words

- that'll come to their minds when they see me?
- No.

- You want me to rattle them off?
- No, thanks.

I'll just write them down.

I've heard these terms my entire life,

so the list will be comprehensive.

This is not helping.

Mei.

- Mei.
- Hold on.

Okay. You made your point.

You think I'm an idiot?

I know that there's a
lot of ugly sh*t out there

that people... Oh, now,
that one, you made up.

That was my nickname in kindergarten.

Look, I know my parents.

You being Chinese... yes,
it will be a surprise.

But trust me, it will not
be their biggest problem.

- No?
- You not being Jewish,

that's gonna wake the neighbors.

Right. They don't want
you with a gentile.

And a Chinese girl is
like a double gentile.

Triple gentile. More.

Basically, you're walking in
with the Lawrence Welk singers.

Well, what's the alternative,
huh? We're together.

They have to find
out. Your parents know.

Yes, they do.

Would you like to know all the
colorfully descriptive words

that came to their minds
when they found out?

I'll just write 'em down.

I'm gonna need a lot more paper.

Do you understand what's happening here?

My mother's sending
girls to my workplace.

One's coming Friday,

and I have no proof she's
not sending the rabbi.

Well, he's not much of a rabbi
if he's working on Friday.

She won't stop till I'm married.

I'm okay with being a mistress.

- Well, I'm not.
- You were with Midge.

Hey.

- Sorry.
- What the f*ck?

I know. I'm sorry. I am. But...

I can't.

- I just can't.
- Mei.

Mei.

We have to discuss this.

Mei?

You can't just run.

- I know where you live.
- No, you don't.

No, I don't. f*ck me.

[NICKY] [LAUGHING]
But what's funny is...

- Get this, get this.
- Yeah, this is f*cking great.

Come on, all you told me is
you cut some guy's balls off.

Right, right. We cut them off.

But we stuffed them into
the other guy's mouth.

And the other guy's balls

got stuffed into the first guy's mouth.

Yeah. Yeah, when you
cut off a guy's balls,

you're supposed to
stuff them in the mouth

of the guy the f*cking balls belong to.

So we were like, "What do
we do? Switch them back?"

How do you do that? I mean,
rigor mortis was setting in.

Their jaws were clenching tight.

Yeah, yeah. So, we were
weighing our options.

Then we heard sirens,
so we decided to split.

I know you make half this sh*t up,

but it's still f*cking great.

Yeah, we really don't make things up.

- Hey, can I get another Coke?
- Hey, get two.

This is on us.

Whatever you want. We
haven't seen you in forever.

Mm, been too busy licking my wounds.

Ah, Shy Baldwin. He sings like an angel

- but sounds like a douche.
- I don't want to talk about it.

Well, he's Giancana's
anyway, so we can't touch him.

Right now, I'm just focused
on finding a place to live.

I'm crashing with Midge,

but her family's driving me nuts.

- What's your price point?
- For an apartment?

Well, be a stretch,

but I could afford a nickel a month.

Know any apartments going
for a nickel a month?

I, uh... I think we could help you here.

- Really? How?
- We know a place.

- We'll take you later today.
- Great.

- Thanks.
- [NICKY] And if it works out,

we can write this
lunch off on our taxes.

Taxes.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

["CHRISTOPHER STREET"]

♪ Here we live, here we love ♪

♪ This is the place
for self-expression ♪

♪ Life is mad, life is sweet ♪

♪ Interesting people ♪

♪ Living on Christopher Street ♪

Excuse me.

Excuse me, sir?

Hi. I was wondering...

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Hi. Sorry. I was just wondering

if perhaps you could
help me with something.

- Help you with what?
- Well, I am looking for a place, a bar,

where someone like me
but not me... a friend...

could maybe drink with
someone else like me.

- What?
- You know,

a place where a lady could
drink with another lady?

I can't help you.

Excuse me. I am looking for a bar

where women like me can drink
with other women like me.

Or just women in general.

They don't have to be like
me. They just have to be...

- You're a cop.
- What?

No, I'm not a cop.

This is Dior!

Excuse me. I am not a cop.

I have a record.

Hi. I'm not a cop. I
was just wondering...

Hello. I am not a cop. I was won...

Hello. Not a cop. I
was just wondering...

Hi. I'm not a cop. I'm not...

Not a cop. I...

I am not a cop.

- So, you have a friend?
- I'm sorry?

I believe you were making
an inquiry for a friend?

Oh. Yes. I was.

My friend. Yes. I was just wondering

- if maybe...
- I know two or three places

you might be looking for.

You do? Oh, that would be wonderful.

And I assume there is no friend.

No, there is a friend. Really.

If you insist.

I do. She is.

Okay. And this friend,
i-is she like you?

- Me?
- Yeah.

Well, anatomically. [CHUCKLES]

Does she dress like you?

Like me? Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

She definitely does not. [LAUGHING]

Sorry. I was just picturing her

in my kumquat daisy dress
with reverse pattern hat.

It's good.

Oh, God, the corset.

So it's not a very good friend.

No, it is.

Sorry. [EXHALES] Mm.

Sorry. I'm back.

- I missed you.
- You were saying?

There's this new place. It just opened.

I hear it's very welcoming to
a mixture of different attires.

- It's right on...
- Wait.

Go ahead. Oh, is it okay
if I write this down?

You're gonna have to
eat that paper later.

A joke.

- It's right up...
- Wait.

You're not a cop, are you?

- This is Dior, too.
- Ooh.

- [LINE RINGING]
- He's not there.

He's there. Give him time.

So far I've heard six
rings and zero answers.

[WOMAN] Michael Kessler's office.

Oh, great, they decided to pick up.

- Pardon?
- Y-Yes, hello.

Uh, can you hear me okay?

I can hear you fine.

It's Abe Weissman and
Asher Friedman for Michael.

[STATICKY] Yes, well, Michael
is just on his way back from...

- What?
- This thing of yours is not working.

Could you repeat that?

This thing of yours is not working!

Not you. Her.

Michael is just coming up
the stairs. Hold, please.

Oh, great, now they've got us on hold.

He's coming up the stairs.

- Michael!
- [KESSLER] What?

[WOMAN] Abe Friedman
is on the phone for you!

She can't even get the names right.

- [KESSLER] sh*t. Hold on, hold on. I'm coming.
- Oh, good.

- he sounds very professional.
- [CAT MEOWS]

Is that a cat? Does he have a cat?

- [ABE] Is he coming?
- [WOMAN] Michael's coming. Michael!

[KESSLER] I'm coming,
geez! Keep your pants on.

How long is this f*cking staircase?

Hello.

- Michael, it's Abe Weissman and Asher Friedman.
- Right.

- How are you?
- Peachy. How's your cat?

- Good?
- Michael, last we spoke,

you said you were going to talk

to someone at the FBI field office.

Were you able to do that?

[STATICKY] Yeah, yeah, I did, and I had

an incredibly productive
conversation with him.

Abe, are you purposefully
trying to t*rture me?

- We didn't get that, Michael!
- [CAT MEOWS]

- Oh, Jesus Christ.
- I was saying

I spoke to the guy, and I got good news.

They have nothing on you. Nothing.

Some stuffed shirt read your column

and got his feathers ruffled
and kicked it down the chain,

but it's going nowhere.

- Really?
- Think about it.

You broke into a federal
building one night. Minor.

You lit a small fire. Bigger,

but the damage was tiny,
and no one got hurt.

The next year, they
tore the building down

to build something new, and everyone

who would give a sh*t is dead.

So this is a big, fat nothing.

It's a big, fat nothing.

They still want to meet to
get something on the record,

but you don't even have
to do it at an FBI office.

They'll come to you, and
it'll be over in a flash.

- [CAT MEOWS]
- Oh, my God.

Over? As in "over," over?

Over as in "forever."

- It's gonna be over.
- Forever!

Over forever! I don't believe it!

- This is fantastic! -
[ASHER LAUGHS] - [CAT MEOWS]

I love this cat!

[BOTH LAUGHING]

- [ROSE LAUGHS]
- Dorothy Parker never forgave you.

- Oh, Dorothy Parker never knew who I was.
- [ABE LAUGHS]

Dorothy Parker had a
crush on you, Asher.

- You boasted about it.
- Well, she did follow me

into the men's room
at the Algonquin once,

but that was before the
incident with the hat.

Asher was a very
good-looking young man.

Sort of a barrel-chested strongman type.

I used to lift weights
with Johnny Weissmuller.

Tarzan himself. Is that meshuggeneh?

Hey, don't hold out.

What happened to Dorothy Parker's hat?

- [SIGHS] I sat on it.
- Oh, dear.

Second time at the round
table, I sat, I listened,

they said clever things.

An hour later, I stood,

and the damn hat is stuck to my ass.

- [ALL LAUGH]
- So, Dorothy sizes me up and says, "A poem.

Today I entered with a hat

And now it sits where someone shat."

- [ALL LAUGH]
- Crazy, the things that happen,

- that I've been through.
- How about our short, unsuccessful stint

as furniture movers, Asher?

Oh. That piano.

How we thought we could move a piano.

Up a flight of stairs. A baby grand.

- Oh, my God.
- I remember this.

Two hours to get it up,

ten seconds to watch it
tumble down the stairs

- and land on a squirrel on Bank Street.
- Ooh.

- [ABE] Oh, God. What was that? Spring of ' ?
- Uh, fall, I think.

I was in the thick of
my work at Columbia.

It may even have been late ' .

No. No, it had to be ' ,

because that's when Rosie
and I were seeing each other.

I'm sorry. One more time?

[ROSE] More ancient history.

[ASHER] She showed up for our first date

with that Louise Brooks haircut.

Remember? With the bangs?

- Unfortunately.
- [ABE] Ah, I remember that haircut, too.

[MIDGE] I'm sorry, hold on.

You two went out together?
And you had bangs?

Oh, it was all so long ago.

Where were you, Papa?

I was dating Tarzan at the time.

- [ROSE, ASHER AND ABE LAUGH]
- Wait. Wait, wait.

Was this before you two were together?

- It was in between.
- In between?

- You-you had an intermission?
- We broke up for a while.

You did?

I made a young man's mistake

and told your mother I couldn't see her

because I needed to focus on my PhD.

Who could focus when you're
with the beautiful Rosie?

- Oh, stop.
- [ASHER CHUCKLES]

We went together, what, one month?

- Two months?
- [ROSE] Somewhere in there.

And you knew?

[ROSE] I had to tell him times,

but he finally seemed to hear me.

[ASHER] And by then, I
had gotten back together

with Delores. Wife number one.

I was not as lucky as Abe and Rosie,
that's for sure.

[ABE] I'll grab us
another bottle of wine.

- [ASHER] Mm.
- Then I want to hear more

about that fling you had with Tarzan.

[CHUCKLES] It was a
crazy time, the ' s.

Everyone went out with everyone.

Carol went out with John,
who went out with Martha,

- who went out with Abigail.
- [ASHER CHUCKLES]

No one could keep track.

- That's for sure.
- [ABE LAUGHS]

[ROSE] Who did Delores
marry after you, Asher?

- [ASHER] John Barrymore.
- [ROSE] I knew it was someone famous.

- [MIDGE] Really?
- [ASHER] I went to their wedding.

- I outdrank John.
- [ROSE] What was that wedding like?

[ASHER] Big. Expensive.

And then they got divorced.
She married her obstetrician.

Her obstetrician?

- [MIDGE] Guess the man liked what he saw.
- [LAUGHS]

- Our last bottle.
- [MIDGE] Mmm.

Then we break into Rose's sherry stash.

[ASHER] You know, I-I just
might change my train ticket

and stay another day
or two if that's okay.

- Fine by me.
- Oh, please do, Asher.

I'd love to visit some of
my places in the Village,

hit my old haunts.

- It's been a long time.
- [ROSE] It's changed some.

This is the place?

- This is the place.
- Big.

- Big and airy.
- It needs a spruce.

But try to look beyond the dirt.

It's got nice northern
exposure, a classic view.

Nine subway lines right below us,

so the commute's easy from anywhere.

Good people on this floor, too.

When they see something,
they don't talk.

But what is this place?
What was it before?

Well, we used it as a kind of house

that one could feel, uh, safe in.

- So it was a safe house?
- Something like that.

There's a giant blood
stain on the floor.

- Wasn't so safe for that guy.
- A nice rug will cover that up.

We think this place
would be perfect for you.

Guys, I can't afford this.

Hey, we're aware of your
financial predicament.

It's sitting here empty,
collecting dust. Use it.

I wouldn't know what to
do with this much space.

I mean, there's only one
of me, and I'm never home.

What? You get another
desk, add a settee,

throw a Murphy bed in the
back room, maybe a plant.

You get a nice table out here,

you put out some coffee, some Danish.

You get your name etched on the door.

My name?

Susie Myerson and Associates.

Susie Myerson and Associates.

[FRANK] It's the perfect
live-work combination.

It's your chance to
expand. Start your business.

Live here, work here.

[FRANK] And start to
make some real money.

And we can even delay charging
you rent or anything like that

till you get settled
and got a cash flow.

Just give us a little piece
of the action in return.

Of Susie Myerson and Associates.

Yeah, yeah.

Does that sound okay?
You give us a taste?

- Yeah, sure, whatever.
- Great.

Everybody wins.

Susie Myerson and Associates.

I got a sh*t ton of work to do on it,

and I stopped counting the rats

after it got into the triple digits,

but the elevator f*cking
works, there is a bathroom,

oh, and the view. Did I tell
you about the m*therf*cking view?

- Are these odds or evens?
- [GRUNTS]

Oh, the view alone says "big cheese."

I'm only gonna take meetings at night

so that all potential clients
will walk in and see that view.

- Did we pass it?
- And as they stand there

and look at that view, I'll
walk up behind them and say...

[GRAVELLY VOICE] "You see that?

Sign with me, and it's all yours."

[NORMAL VOICE] I mean,
I won't say it like that

with an emphysemic pimp voice,

- but just wait till you see it.
- Ah! Here it is.

- [CONNIE FRANCIS: "STUPID CUPID"]
- f*cking great view.

- [MUSIC GROWS LOUDER]
- Now, I have to install a phone

and buy some office equipment.

Gonna need a lot of pencils.

Don't even know what I'll use them for,

- but I'll have them, and I'll keep them sharp.
- Oh, table.

Hey, maybe I should get
some of those paper clips.

File covers for files. There's
gonna be a lot of files.

Hey, I should get my own typewriter.

Maybe two typewriters. That crazy?

You know what? I'll start
with one, see how it goes.

I am gonna type the sh*t
out of that typewriter.

Whiskey neat. Two.

Hey, should I get a secretary?

Harry has three secretaries.

That's when you know you made it,

when there're three dumpy
broads sitting outside

your office that know all your sh*t.

- Let's get a drink.
- Done.

♪ Stupid cupid, stop picking on me ♪

I have to say, I'm...

Okay, f*ck it. I'm excited.

There, I said it. Eat me, I'm excited!

- [CHUCKLES]
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]

- [JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]
- [WOMAN] Oh, it's our song.

♪ I'm nobody... ♪

What is this?

It's new.

- Did you...
- What?

Did you bring me to a lesbian bar?

Fun, huh?

- What the f*ck?
- What the f*ck, what?

I just said "eat me" really loud.

- Are you upset?
- Why would you do this?

Well, I just thought I'd try.

I mean, I-I... It...
it... I never know...

You never talk about yourself.

That's 'cause it's
none of your business.

Yeah, but we're together all the time,

and I just thought I'd try...

- I don't care.
- What?

I just want you to know I don't care.

- You don't?
- No. I am totally comfortable

with you being whatever
it is you want to be.

Well, thank you very
much for your permission.

- I didn't mean...
- May I go to the bathroom?

Do I need a note from my
mother to get out of gym class?

I just meant you can tell me anything.

Jesus Christ. Miriam.

How did you even know about this place?

What, you hang out on Christopher Street

asking guys with
carnations in their lapels

where to find a butch bar?

No. I was...

not that specific.

What'd you think, you'd bring me here,

I'd look around and
just... [PURRS] dive in?

I wanted to give you the option.

I didn't have a plan.

I just thought we'd hang
out, check out the scene.

"The scene"?

This is the Village. I live here.

You think I don't know
how to find a lesbian bar?

There are three within
rock-throwing distance.

Two doors down, there's guys

sticking their fists
up each other's asses.

This is my town. I know everything.

You are always alone. Always.

So the f*ck what?

I don't want you to be alone.

Let me worry about that.

- I want you to be happy.
- Mm.

Great. Pay for my drink.

Susie.

I am focused on one thing right now.

Susie Myerson and Associates. That's it.

Being your manager.
Not just your manager.

Being a manager. The
manager. Do you understand?

- Yeah, but...
- I got a f*cking view!

♪ I'm nobody's sweet baby no more ♪

f*ck.

[ALFIE] I can't give your money back.

- I spent it. And that's not magic.
- What can I get you?

- [ALFIE] It's commerce.
- No, I'm just here to...

- [GRUNTS]
- Hey!

You're sh**ting fish in a barrel!

- [MAN] Take it outside.
- Two out of three.

Shut up. Welcome to Susie
Myerson and Associates.

You'll love the view. Now move!

[BARTENDER] Here you go, doll.

- [LAUGHTER]
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Mitzi! You're up.

- Move your ass!
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]

- Hey!
- Yeah?

You have to knock.

- What?
- From now on.

You can't just come in here,

stick your face in, stick anything in,

- before you knock.
- [WOMEN SHUSHING]

This dressing room is for ladies only.

You are a man. Right?

- Yes. I'm a man.
- Men... knock.

- But I run this place.
- You run the theater.

We run the dressing room. Oh,
and people's asses are attached

to the rest of their
bodies. so a simple,

"Mitzi, you're up," will do.

If she goes, her ass goes, too.

- Got it? Great.
- Uh...

Great, let's review. You, boy.

Boys...

- Knock.
- Trial run. Give it a sh*t.

[KNOCKS QUIETLY]

A little louder if
you want them to hear.

But A for effort.

- Okay?
- Okay.

- Okay?
- [WOMEN] Okay!

Did she just call us f*cking ladies?

Great. Bye.

[BOISE SCOFFS]

[ALL LAUGHING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Susie, you missed it.

I banned Boise from the dressing room.

There's a knock policy now.

Boys knock because girls have knockers.

I know. Save it for
the stage, but you know.

- Payday. Payday.
- What?

Ah, geez, the both of you.

- The day you reach into your little cash box.
- Okay, okay.

- And you hand me the money.
- I got it.

- That you owe me.
- I'm doing it.

- Top drawer. Right side.
- Mm-hmm.

- I know where the box is.
- Under the keys.

It's my drawer. I know
what's in my drawer.

I bet you know what every
one of those is for, huh?

You know, technically I
don't have to give you this

until she's finished her
last set of the night,

but I'm a prince, so...

Well, pleasure doing business
with you, Your Highness.

[BOISE CHUCKLES]

Will you just talk to me for a minute?

- I wanted to talk to you about...
- Here.

Thank you. Susie, please.

Susie, stop.

Susie, just...

[EXHALES]

sh*t.

You're up, Maisel. Get your...

Get it... that thing behind you...

Get...

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

- [CHEERING]
- [APPLAUSE]

- [STOMPS TWICE]
- Oy!

Oh. You gonna talk?

Yeah. I figured, what the f*ck?

Let's have another hand for Mitzi.

- [CHEERING]
- [APPLAUSE]

Hey guys, I'm curious.

How many of your wives
know you're here tonight?

- [WOMAN] Whoa!
- [LAUGHTER]

Hmm?

Little news for you.

All of them.

- And how? Laundry.
- Shh, shh, shh.

Because laundry is
the diary of your day.

One sniff of your shirt,
they can smell Lucy,

your "loose-y" secretary.

They can smell the horse track.

The cigars with the boys.
The cigars with Lucy.

And they can definitely
smell this place.

Plus they go through your
pants and wallets at night

while you're asleep.

They know everything.

They just pretend they don't. And why?

Because they've got
their own secret lives.

Oh, you don't think your wife has a life

you don't know about?

Your wife is home alone all day long.

You know who else is around
your house all day long?

Milkmen, mailmen...

handymen...

salesmen.

Do you know how many products
there are to sell out there?

Any of you come home one day,

and there's a brand new vacuum cleaner?

I mean, you had a perfectly
good one when you left

in the morning but then,
ding dong, "Hi, I'm handsome."

"Want to reach those
hard-to-reach spots?

I've got an expandable attachment

that you're gonna love."

Hey, you think I pay you to stand there?

Customers, drinks, go.

[MIDGE] And you want her
to have that secret life.

Trust me. 'Cause if she didn't,

with all that she knows about yours,

she'd spend those lonely
nights sitting there thinking,

"How long would I have
to hold this pillow

over his face before
his breathing stops?"

I can answer that, ladies.

Three minutes. Two and
a half if he smokes.

- [LAUGHTER]
- [APPLAUSE]

Now hold on to your Great Gatsbys, guys,

'cause here comes our
salute to the Roaring ' s!

- [CHEERING]
- [APPLAUSE]

- Heads up.
- Huh?

[TRIXIE] m*therf*cker!

Boy, you're almost as
funny as the men comics.

We're gonna work on that.

- [DOG BARKING]
- Oh, sh*t!

We really appreciate you
doing this on our home turf,

- Agent Webber.
- Yes, thank you.

I live six blocks away, so
I get to walk home tonight.

- Good deal.
- Excuse me, can I get anything else for anybody?

Coffee? Tea?

By the time you brew it, I'll
be gone, but thank you, ma'am.

Yes, thanks, Rosie. [CHUCKLES]

[WEBBER] Now, gentlemen,
let me remind you both

that you're under oath.

Yes, sir.

That's Abe's way of saying, "Got it."

[WEBBER] Then let's proceed.

So, some years ago,
there was an incident.

And it hit our files.

Careful with that, it's a relic.

And Mr. Weissman recently wrote

about this incident
in The Village Voice.

And it implicated the two
of you, but I am here today

to see what we can do to
close this matter. Mr. Kessler?

Thank you. For the record,
we've got two young men

of a bygone era...
activists, patriots...

who walk into a federal
building, admittedly uninvited,

they cause a little mischief, then leave

without harming a fly.
Those are the facts.

Now, hold on, since we're under oath,

no fly was harmed, but a water bug...

[SPUTTERS] ... got it pretty good.

[LAUGHTER]

Ah, this all seems very open and shut.

No harm, no foul.

I believe I already have
more than enough here

- to report back to D.C. that...
- Asher walked into the building.

I'm sorry, uh, what?

Asher walked into the building.

I didn't go inside the building.

I stayed outside.

We don't need to Martha
Graham this whole thing, right?

With the precise choreography?

I'm under oath, so I'm being accurate.

Asher walked into the building.

Asher lit the fire,
Asher committed arson.

- Look, gentlemen...
- Abe, what are you doing?

I'm telling the FBI what happened.

You walked into the building...

And you stood lookout, which
makes you just as culpable.

I didn't know he was going in

to commit an act of arson.
You should write that down.

Well, why did you think I was going in?

To admire the portrait
of Warren G. Harding?

Whoa, whoa! Guys, guys, slow down!

Old friends. Old, cranky,
loquacious friends.

He also vandalized the
stock exchange in .

- Is that in your files?
- [ASHER] Abe, what the f*ck?!

Just him, not me. You really
should write this down.

- I'm gonna need a pen.
- You do not need a pen.

In fact, Agent Webber,
can we speak in private?

I have some background
information that may help here.

Sure. Should I bring a pen?

Do not bring a pen.

[DOOR CLOSES]

- Why?
- Why?

I heard yelling. What happened?

How long did you two go out?

What are you talking about?

You and Rosie. How long?

[ASHER] Oh, no.

Do not tell me that
this is what it's about.

I want to know how long my alleged wife

went out with my alleged best friend.

Abe, I told you I went out with Asher.

- You did not.
- I did!

times, at least!

Rose, I admit that sometimes
I don't listen to you,

but this time, I was listening to you

when you did not tell me that
you schtupped my best friend.

- Abe!
- I'm sorry.

So you're selling me out to the FBI

because Rosie and I
went out a few times?

A few times? The other day, it
was two months. How long was it?

It was years ago... who cares?!

And you, you with your,
"He was so good-looking

when he was young."
Is there anything else

you want to tell me about?

Abe Weissman, you're being irrational.

What parts of this
woman's body did you touch?

- Abe!
- What?

What parts? Because I
want to mark them off,

and I am never going to
touch those parts again.

Are you hearing yourself?

I have just the right chalk.

Long lasting, doesn't erase.

Abe...

I've had enough of you two!

[ROSE] Abe...

You are out of your f*cking mind!

- Abe!
- Did he just lock himself in his room?

Abe, may I remind you
that you broke up with me.

[ABE] Rose, may I remind you
that I was working on my PhD,

and I told you that when it
was complete, I might come back!

I was very upfront
and sincere about that.

Asher, I'm very sorry about this.

Abe is completely out of line.

[ASHER] Oh, good, he's back.

I could have schtupped Delores.

- What?
- Yeah, while you and Rose

and her Louise Brooks harlot
hair were catting about,

Delores made it very clear
that she wanted me badly.

Delores wanted everybody, Abe!

Eugene O'Neill, Aaron Copland,

Tarzan, Josephine Baker.

Sh-sh... My God...

What?

I just had an idea for a play.

- What?
- It's the best idea

for a play I've had in years.

I-I see it.

I see the arc of the whole thing.

- I got to write this down.
- Asher, do not write a play about this!

- I need a pen!
- Do not get a pen!

[LAUGHS] Up yours, Abe!

If you get a pen and write a play,

I'll destroy it in The Voice.

I will! I'll do that!

I have no doubt.

Goodbye, Abe.

Last word of advice, writer to writer.

You over-use "quite," and
"thusly" is a stupid word.

f*ck you, don't call me again.

And please throw out
that weird chalk of yours.

Rosie.

Goodbye.

Your Louise Brooks was a knockout.

Don't you tell Rosie that
her fad hairdo was a knockout!

Asher. Asher!

[DOOR SLAMS]

This is why I need a study.

'Cause... I have no place to go.

♪ Well, if I don't love you ♪

♪ Baby ♪

♪ Grits ain't groceries ♪

♪ Eggs ain't poultries ♪

♪ And Mona Lisa was a man... ♪

- [LAUGHTER]
- Out, out!

Don't come back soon!

- Hey, guy at table six wants a ring in a glass.
- Great.

But he gave me two,
and he wants us to pick.

That's ridiculous. I
mean, how are we supposed

to pick another man's... Ooh!

- I like that one.
- Yeah, that was my first choice, too.

But will it make her
finger look too fat?

Yeah, the pear-shape tends to elongate.

But boy does this one sparkle.

Your new guy doesn't know me!

Let her in, Hal. Either one's fine.

This is too much pressure. Hey, Midge!

- Hey, Arch.
- You want a drink?

- I do.
- Martini up with olives?

- I'm so predictable.
- If only.

Hey, how long are those guys on?

- I need ten minutes to try out some stuff.
- Really?

Yeah, I'm working on a
new bit for the strip club

that I'm not quite sure
about, and I'd rather b*mb here

- than at the real place.
- Thank you.

- You're welcome.
- Wait.

- Did you say strip club?
- Yes.

You're working at a strip club?

- Yes. You didn't know?
- No.

- Didn't Ethan tell you?
- Why would he tell me?

- I told him to tell you.
- You told our five-year-old son

to tell me you're
working at a strip club?

- Did he forget?
- Yes, he forgot.

Thank God, he forgot. I
don't want our son thinking

about his mother at a strip club.

It's not like I did a number for him.

- Strip club.
- I'm the emcee.

But what about your career?

What do you mean, what about my career?

- This is part of my career.
- Okay.

- What?
- I'm not gonna say anything.

Then don't say you're
not gonna say anything,

'cause that's saying a thing.

Working in a strip club
just seems like a step back.

Many famous people got
their start in strip clubs.

Lenny worked at strip clubs.

You took me to see him at a strip club.

You were opening for Shy
Baldwin a few months ago.

- So?
- So how is anyone gonna

take you seriously in a jiggle joint?

Have you been talking to Susie?

No, I have not been
talking to Susie, why?

Because you're saying exactly
the same things Susie says.

Well, maybe Susie's right about this.

Maybe you should hire
her as your manager.

Oh, wait a minute.

Mei.

Hi.

What's up, Doc?

I'm sorry, am I, uh...

I'm just trying to
wrangle some stage time.

- Oh.
- I swear.

Okay. I didn't know if this was

Joel's mother trying to get
you two back together again.

No! Absolutely not!

- Wow. Lightning fast.
- I just meant...

Well, I'm gonna be in
your office, so, uh...

[STAMMERS]

That's all, folks.

What was that about?

What? You started the
Looney Tunes thing.

I'm talking about the Shirley comment.

- You want your ten minutes?
- Yep.

Just don't stink so much
that you clear the place out.

I make no guarantees.

She said yes!

Congratulations, Arch.

How long have I been here?

- Three days.
- I should go.

- Okay.
- I can't move.

Throw up, dry out, and sleep.

We start tomorrow.

[ALFIE MUTTERING]

Replace glass.

Replace board.

Replace pipe.

Replace faucet.

Replace toilet seat.

- [TOILET FLUSHES]
- [WATER SLOSHING]

Aw, Jesus.

Replace toilet.

[DOOR SHUTS]

She knows me.

sh*t!

[MUTTERS]

sh*t.

Hello to you, too.

I'm busy, Sophie.

You found an office.

I tried to close the door.

Yeah, it's being fixed.

I'm just commenting on the fact

that I tried and failed.

Because it's very broken.

And unattractive.

You should also get a new desk.

What do you want?

You don't have a chair.

I can't sit if you don't have a chair.

You don't seem to care.

I'll hold it so it won't
fall on you on the way out.

For the first time in years,

I can't get any work.

No venue in this country
will book me anymore.

Not even Phoenix.

Not that I can stomach
going back on the road again.

I'm financially overextended, meaning

I have more expenses
than money to cover them.

- Yeah, I know what overextended means.
- Well, you're so quiet over there,

so I wasn't sure.

My business manager said my
lifestyle needs to change.

And then he quit.

So that's a change.

[SIGHS] My dogs won't eat canned food.

Even though it's not that bad.

What do you want, Lucille?

Don't you want to know how I know

- the dog food's not that bad?
- Nope.

There's a brand-new NBC game show.

They're looking for
a host, and I want it.

It's perfect for me. I'd be great at it.

But the network won't even meet with me.

I'd audition, I'd test.

Whatever they want. But
they won't even consider it.

I called Harry a hundred times.

He won't take my calls.

I even went to his office once.

They said he was golfing.
It was raining out.

Plus he walked right by me,
so I know they were lying.

That's terrible. Kind of
like you've been blackballed.

Yes.

It doesn't feel good, does it?

No.

Doesn't feel good at all.

Well, I'm sorry, Soph,
our paths have diverged.

That means your path went one
way and my path went another.

I know what diverged means.

Okay, well, seeing as how
our paths have diverged,

I think it's best that
we... you and me...

we stay, you know... diverged.

You didn't finish very strong there.

f*ck you. Let me fix my desk.

What if I were to apologize?

I got enough to clean up here
without your head exploding.

You put my show on Broadway.

You did that. No one else even tried.

Look, Sophie, I am sorry
about the game show.

I just don't know what I could do.

Well, if you happen
to think of anything...

... I'd be very grateful.

[GROANS]

You got Dawes driving you home?

Dawes left.

sh*t.

Hey.

If I do this... help you...

you got to f*cking
agree to lose my number.

- I promise. [EXHALES]
- [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

Oh, will you look at that.

You got...

[GASPS] Wonderful.

Wonderful!

What the f*ck is wrong with me?

- ♪
♪
- [AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[MEN CATCALLING]

♪ ♪

- [CHEERING]
- [APPLAUSE]

That's the end of the
show, ladies and gentlemen.

I hope it's been a night
you will never forget.

You've been a great audience,
please get home safe.

Don't forget to tip the waitresses.

They're armed. I'm Mrs. Maisel.

Thank you and good night.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Perfect! [GASPS]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Ow.

Hey, Midge fell in the pit.

- On purpose?
- Did you push her?

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[JONATHAN RICHMAN: "I WAS
DANCING IN THE LESBIAN BAR"]

♪ Well, I was dancing at a night club ♪

♪ One Friday night ♪

♪ And that night club
bar was a little uptight ♪

♪ Yeah, I was dancing
all alone a little ♪

♪ Self-conscious ♪

♪ When some kids came up and said ♪

♪ For dancing come with us and soon ♪

♪ I was dancing in the
lesbian bar, oh, oh ♪

♪ I was dancing in the
lesbian bar, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Well, I was dancing
in the lesbian bar ♪

♪ In the industrial zone ♪

♪ I was dancing with my friends ♪

♪ And dancing alone, well ♪

♪ The first bar, things were all right ♪

♪ But in this bar,
things were Friday night ♪

♪ In the first bar, things
were just all right ♪

♪ In this bar, things
were Friday night ♪

♪ And I was dancing in
a lesbian bar, oh, oh ♪

♪ I was dancing in a
lesbian bar, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Well, I was dancing in a lesbian bar ♪

♪ Way downtown ♪

♪ I was there to check the scene ♪

♪ And hang around, well ♪

♪ Well, the first bar,
things were stop and stare ♪

♪ But in this bar, things
were laissez-faire ♪

♪ In the first bar, things
were stop and stare ♪

♪ In this bar, things
were laissez-faire ♪

♪ And I was dancing in
a lesbian bar, oh, oh ♪

♪ I was dancing in a
lesbian bar, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ In the first bar ♪

♪ Folks were drinking sips ♪

♪ But in this bar, they
could shake their hips ♪

♪ In the first bar,
they were drinking sips ♪

♪ In this bar, they
could shake their hips ♪

♪ And I was dancing in
a lesbian bar, oh, oh ♪

♪ I was dancing in a
lesbian bar, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Well, in the first bar,
things were controlled ♪

♪ But in this bar, things
were rock and roll ♪

♪ In the first bar,
things were so controlled ♪

♪ In this bar, things
were way, way bold ♪

♪ And I was dancing in
a lesbian bar, oh, oh ♪

♪ I was dancing in a
lesbian bar, ooh, ooh, ooh. ♪