03x05 - Surprise

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "felicity"...

How I could've let
her daughter go

And how I could be living
with her and not notice

There was such a problem.

What happened with
julie is not your fault.

We're going out
with you to have fun.

Ladies.

Jello sh*ts.

I lost felicity.

Oh, my god.

Do you know how many websites
there are under "texas barbecue"?

Yeah, but we gotta
get them for the party.

And you're aware
that it's tomorrow?

Yes, but she's crazy
about those ribs.

I mean, we stayed an
extra day in laredo

Just so she could
have them again.

Wait, you know the
name of the town?

Yeah. Yeah, I do.

It's, uh, laredo, texas.

Yeah, so, that helps, right?

Yeah, that definitely
narrows it down.

Guys... Hmm?

Can I talk to you
guys about something?

Yeah.

Uh, I'm not the kind of
person who just, you know...

Sleeps with people or
has unprotected sex.

I mean, I don't even know
if I had sex last night...

At all.

Have you guys ever had
a, uh, like, an achiness?

You know, like down under.

Do you mean like in australia?

Seriously, guys, I
seriously have a dull ache

In... A dull ache
in my testicle.

Can you not say
that word, please?

What, testicle? What's wrong
with the word "testicle"?

It just... Ick! It sounds...

It's like whenever
a woman says labia.

It should be
neutral, but it's not.

Great, you know what? You guys
are the ones with the problem.

It's called hatred
of your genitalia.

Oh, jeez, man.

This is a high dosage
of the same steroid

Found in birth-control pills.

They'll inhibit or
delay ovulation,

Which will prevent you
from getting pregnant.

Of course, they'll do nothing

To protect you against stds.

Oh, and need I say it?

This is not to be your
usual form of birth control.

Emergency contraception
means emergency.

I know about the
morning-after pill.

So, take 2 now and
another 2 in 12 hours.

Oh.

Tomorrow's your birthday.

Have a happy one.

Thanks.

Noel: okay. Uh, all right, 48.

Right, 48 ribs. Ben: yes.

So, the surprise
party's at 5:00?

Yes.

Oh, look, my first
tech-support call.

Look at that. That's great, man.

Okay, so, this is for real.
They're gonna be here?

Yeah, yeah. Just put your
credit-card number in

And heat and serve,
and then there you go.

Okay, thank you.

Uh-huh.

Hey.

Hey. You know, i, uh...

I really think it's swollen.

I really do. What?

Can you just check it?

What? No. No way.

No way. No way!

Please. No.

Come on, just
feel my nut. What?!

No, go to a doctor
that feels nuts.

Please! Yeah, like a urologist.

Yes, go to one of them.

Urologist. Yes.

Okay. Okay?

♪ Can you become ♪

♪ Can you become ♪

♪ A new version of you? ♪

♪ New wallpaper ♪

♪ New shoe leather ♪

♪ A new way home ♪

♪ I don't remember ♪

♪ New version of you ♪

♪ I need a new version of me ♪

♪ New version of you ♪

♪ I need a new version of me ♪

I always thought I'd
celebrate turning 20

In some really
grown-up way, like...

Going out with my best friends

And driving to some
really fancy restaurant

In san francisco.

We'd be all dressed up, and...

I don't know... Order
things like escargot

And drink cocktails.

Happy birthday.

Hey.

Hey.

You know what? What?

I have to go to epistemology.

Skip it.

Oh, I can't.

I have a, um... I
have a test today.

I think you should drop
epistemology. Yeah?

You know why? Why?

'Cause it's got a
really stupid name.

Yeah, but it's a good class.

I'm sorry. I have to go.

You know what? I shouldn't
really drop my shift anyway.

Okay. Okay.

Hey. Here.

Ben, you didn't have to get...

Hi, this is beta
theta xi, right?

Um, yeah, is randy there?

Do you know when
he will be there?

Okay. No, no, that's okay.

I left a message yesterday.

Yeah, this is felicity.

Thanks.

Hi.

Morning.

Hey.

Hmm?

You want to make
it a good morning?

Mm.

You know what?

I-i've really got a lot
on my mind right now.

I really do.

What do you mean?

It's just the documentary.

Uh, uh, uh...

Just, the network
wants all this footage.

And they're giving me notes.
It's just a lot of pressure.

Where are you going?

I gotta get dressed.

I gotta go to the
video rental place.

The camera broke. I
told you that, right?

No.

Yeah.

Drop your pants, please.

Okay.

First I'm holding
the healthy testicle,

Pressing very gently
around the periphery.

Nothing unusual here.

It tickles a little bit.

That's perfectly normal.

Now let's move on to
the affected testicle.

Also pressing gently.

Ow. That...

Gentle pressure.

Uhh.

Gentle pressure.

Okay. You can get dressed.

Okay, so, what is it?

What I'm feeling in
that left testicle

May just be an infection.

For that, I'm prescribing
a course of antibiotics.

Great, great. I'll stop by
the pharmacy on my way home.

However, it is also possible

That this is not
just an infection.

So I'd like to do an ultrasound.

Really?

Why? What for?

To rule things out.

What things? What do you mean?

Sean, we have to be certain
that it's not something more.

Okay, you know what?

The antibiotics
will work. It's fine.

I strongly recommend
we do the ultrasound.

It's a waste of time, doc.

It's a waste of time.

It's an infection.
That's what this is.

So I'll stop by the
drugstore, I'll get my medicine.

Thanks a lot.

Thank you.

So, the senior exhibition
is coming up, as you know.

And I was talking to
professor morton about you.

And I suggested

That she might want to,
like, open it up a little,

Include some other good stuff.

And she's gonna give you a spot.

Wow.

Thank you.

That's...

Yeah.

Do you want to know a
big downside to smoking?

Dry-cleaning bills.

If somebody had
told me when I was 18

That I was going to have
to spend all this money

Getting the stink of
tobacco out of my clothes...

So, are you going to tell
me, or do I have to ask?

I got really drunk
the other night

And woke up in someone's bed.

I don't know how
I got there or...

What happened between us.

I'm guessing that you understand
how completely moronic...

Yes, please, I understand.

Is it possible that somebody

Slipped a roofie
into your drink?

God, i...

It happens.

I had a lot of drinks
that night, and...

It could have been something.

I'm just trying to find
out what happened, and...

Just how... I mean...

How do you...

How do I tell ben that?

You don't.

As long as you don't have sex

Till you know something,

There's no reason to tell him.

I have to tell him.

Ben deserves to know
the truth about this.

Why? Do you think he
tells you everything?

You can't have a
relationship without honesty.

Let me tell you something.

Honesty is not the
most important thing

In a relationship.

The most important
thing is to be kind.

Honesty, in some
cases... Like this one...

Is unkind.

Yeah, but I can't...

It feels horrible, you
know, hanging out with ben

And just pretending
like everything's fine.

And that is the
most honest thing

That you've said
about this whole mess.

What?!

That's what this whole
honesty reflex is about.

It's not for ben's sake.

It's to make you feel better

So that you don't have to carry
the whole burden by yourself.

You know, if you think of
the history of the world

As one hour, do you know
how long human beings

Have been around?

Like seven seconds.

I'm so glad you're
liking that class.

Yeah. Geology is
pretty great, actually.

Do you want a refill?
Yeah, but I'll go get it.

No, I'll get it. It's your
birthday. I'll get it.

Woman: all right,
that comes to $14.00.

Hey. Heard you
were looking for me.

Yeah, I was, um...

I was thinking. You probably
think I lost the ping-pong game...

Listen, I need to know
exactly how we got

From the ping-pong table to
your bedroom and what happened.

You don't remember
dancing in marcus' room?

What?

No. I... What happened?

After the bathroom?

I don't know. Just, I mean...

You know what? We gotta
stop talking about this. Why?

Just, please... Just, please.

Hey, this is my boyfriend ben.

How you doing? Jeez.

I'm so sorry. No,
I'll get it. I'll get it.

I'm sorry. That's all right.

This is randy. Hey, randy.

We know each other from,
uh, a class... Epistemology.

Oh, yeah? How did it go
for you this morning?

Um...

It was okay.

Oh, yeah? Oh, good, good.

So, listen, I got to
get back to my table.

It was nice to meet you, ben.

Yeah, see you later.

See ya.

I'm sorry.

Please, tell me you're here
to save me from computer hell.

Yeah, what's the problem?

All right.

So, what... You're a composer?

Supposedly.

Until this thing just decided
to eat my entire chamber piece,

Which... Hello, does anybody
write chamber music anymore?

Well, don't worry.

There's no such thing
as a truly deleted file.

I mean, unless you, you
know, reformatted your drive,

It's in there.

Well, if you can fix this,
you're a miracle worker.

That's weird. Looks like
you got some kind of virus.

Uh... Great.

No, it's okay, you know.

I'll run norton,

And usually
everything's retrievable.

You know, you always
hear about viruses.

You don't actually get them.

I know.

Did you use to have
blond streaks in your hair?

Uh, yeah.

Yeah, it was something
I was, uh, trying out.

Well, it looks a lot better now.

Thanks.

Okay, okay.

Here is, um...

Here's an e-mail that went
out to the entire university.

Mass e-mails are
usually suspicious.

So just click "run"
and then "open" and, uh...

Let's see. There you go.

Ugh!

It's one of those std
fraternity e-mails.

Whatever.

Hey, how you doing?

Hello, ladies. Please, take one.

"Free pizza and town-hall
meeting on friday."

Sad, isn't it?

No, this is a brilliant
democratic strategy.

You know, mass appeal
for mass politics.

Hey. You hear that?

Hi, I'm richard. Mastermind
behind the brilliance.

Oh, hello.

I'm molly. I'm elena's
new housemate.

Oh. You're the redcoat
that drove julie away.

Richard!

Hey, all I'm saying is she's
here, julie's gone. I'm gonna run.

I don't want to be late for my
american rhetoric class. Adios.

Meet you back at home.
- 00. Okay.

Nice to meet ya.

Hey, come on friday, would ya?

Maybe.

Now, that is a woman.

As if you would know.

Buxom, fashionably attired,
passionate about politics.

Can you make it happen?

Make what happen?

Me and the brit.

Richard, no!

Hey, you don't think
I can handle her?

You don't think a chick like
that would dig a guy like me?

Well, you're wrong.

One date. That's all I need.

Make it happen.

Hi, I'm looking for randy again.

Okay, please, this is important.

Please, just tell him

That I need to talk to
him as soon as possible.

Yes, this is felicity.

From the party, right.

Okay, thanks. Bye.

Ben: hey. How's it going?

Uh, great.

What is that?

It's a cake.

In theory, it's a cake.

I took too many
shortcuts, though.

How did that doctor go?

Uh...

Well, I have a... An infection,

And I gotta take antibiotics.

That sucks.

You know what I'm
thinking about doing?

Man-on-the-street stuff.

You know, for the
documentary... Like vox populi.

Oh, yeah. Vox populi? Yeah.

I don't know what
that is. I didn't think so.

Hey, listen, um...

Meghan came by dean
& deluca today to talk.

What?

Yeah, she thinks
you not having sex

Had something to do with her.

Um, so, are you gonna tell
her about the infection?

No. No, I'm not gonna
tell my girlfriend

That, uh, my
testicle's inflamed.

Why not?

B-because it's embarrassing.

Because, uh, there's some things
you want to keep to yourself.

All right.

I mean, the last thing
a girl wants to hear

Is that her boyfriend's got
problems with his package, okay?

Trust me.

Oh, my god!

H-how can they do that?!
Is that legal to do that?!

Apparently, fraternities do
this kind of stuff all the time.

Um...

You... You really don't
remember anything that happened?

No! I mean, that's what
I've been trying to find out.

How am I gonna tell ben that...

I can try to, you know,
delete it from his e-mail.

I mean, it's not that hard.

I'm just gonna have to tell
him. I mean, I have to tell him now.

I'm just gonna tell
him about everything...

The std tests, the... The
morning-after pill. He's...

No. Okay, you're
gonna tell him now?

No, you can't... You
can't tell him now.

Why? Why not? Because.

I mean, you don't even
know what happened.

And besides, it's your birthday.

You know, happy birthday,
if I haven't said it already.

And... And he's... He's got
this whole thing planned,

And you wouldn't
want to ruin that.

You know, I know
you. I mean, so...

And there's no way
he's gonna see it tonight.

So you have to wait.

Yeah, at least until tomorrow.

I don't think I
can wait all night.

Look...

Look, I know I haven't
been myself this year,

And I'm sure

That my advice-giving license
has probably been revoked,

But I'm pretty sure that
I'm right about this one.

I have the champagne!

Definitely.

Everything looks good.
Ben's checking the cake.

Ladies pouring drinks. Okay.

All right, uh...

So, molly,

What do you want to say to
felicity on her 20th birthday?

Oh, um... Happy
birthday, felicity.

You are living proof
that not all scorpios

Are manipulative,
vengeful, and obsessive.

It's not me. It's
sean, isn't it?

What do you mean?

Well, it just occurred to
me that this is how I acted

When I got crabs from
that performance artist

And I was still dating
that professor.

Yeah, i-i-i don't
need those details.

Is sean cheating on me?
What?! No! Honestly. No way.

He's never been happier since
he's been with you. Seriously.

Really?

Oh!

I guess I am kind
of a mold breaker

For most guys.

Hey! How's it look?

Not like, uh, birthday cake.

Those are my
ribs. That's my ribs.

You know what? Let
me get this. Wait, wait!

Action. Action. Good.

Hello! Hey.

Hi! Hello. How are you doing?

I'm like santa claus... I
never come empty-handed.

What is this? Okay, that
is the birthday tiramisu.

Oh, javier, that's amazing.
Don't squeeze that, okay?

I know, I have like a sixth
sense for cooking disasters.

Yeah, that's great, man.

- Hey, my god!
- Okay.

Excuse me. All right.

Uh, where are the ribs? The ribs...
They're gonna be here any minute.

I bet that's them.
That's gotta be them.

Hey! Uh, hey.

That's a nice welcome.

Sorry. I'm sorry.

Don't feel bad. We were
hoping you were ribs.

That's gotta be the
ribs. That's the ribs!

Moment of truth!

I got a rush delivery
for a ben covington. Yes!

Yes, it's... It's
me. Sign there.

That's all you got?
That's it. There you go.

There's nothing more down in
the truck or anything like that?

That's it. Bon appétit.

Oh, benjamin.

My sixth sense is tingling.

Oh, you're screwed!

What is this? No, I don't
know. Don't look at me.

I clicked "ribs." I
didn't... Not book, ribs.

I thought I clicked "ribs."

I gotta go. Sorry. I gotta go.

I gotta go meet felicity.

Okay, this is called a
30-minute miracle meal, okay?

What I need is a
list of ingredients

That are available
to me to use, okay?

And, please, clear off
all this clutter, okay?

Too much knickknacky
stuff, okay?

And please put on some music.

Nothing like classic rock.

No b.t.o.

Hey! Hi.

Happy birthday.

Thank you.

Um... What?

I-i haven't opened
your present yet.

I'm sort of saving it.

That's all right. Come on.

Ben... Um...

You know what? I think
I forgot my wallet.

Do you mind if we go back to
the loft for, like, 2 seconds?

Uh, sure.

Okay?

Come on.

Okay, folks, we are
at "t" minus 10 minutes.

Come on.

Hold on! What are you doing?

No, no. Don't we
have real tomatoes?

No. It's all we got.

Okay. Use the can. Fine.

Are you kidding me?
I love "doctor who."

I even went to the
convention in surrey.

Yeah, but I bet you're
a john pertwee chick.

Oh, please. Is there any other
doctor apart from tom baker?

Tom baker? Oh, yeah.

I have his autograph
and everything.

No way! Way.

I can't believe they're
actually getting along.

I know. And I thought
she was just being polite.

Okay, enough with
the stirring, okay?

It's not a witch's
brew. It's not...

It's pasta!

So, meghan, what do you
want to say to, uh, felicity

On her 20th birthday?

I don't want to say anything.
I want to talk to you.

Can you turn that thing off? No.

No, I'm working. Come on.

You know, we don't
have to go out tonight.

What are you talking about? This
place is amazing. You're gonna love it.

Okay, we have arrival,
people. Come on, let's move!

I'm so excited!

You see that? She's into me.

And it's not because of
my political clout, either.

Move it! Move it!

Ben, I need to tell
you something.

Well, sure. What is it? Uh...

Surprise! Surprise!
Surprise! Surprise!

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

I can't believe this.

Happy birthday! Come
on, come sit down.

Take your jacket off.

Take off your jacket.

Thanks. You're welcome.

Sit right here in
the special chair.

I can't believe this.

Happy birthday, sweetheart!

I can't... Oh, my
god. Thank you.

Hey, anybody feel like dancing?

Thank you.

I'm gonna take you for
your dinner tomorrow night.

Okay. Sure.

Okay, I have to insist

That we eat now,
because cold pasta...

You might as well
recycle, you know?

Molly: come get some food.

Felicity: okay. Be right there.

You didn't tell him? No.

I'm really sorry. That's okay.

Here you go.

Thank you, javier.
Aw, you're so welcome.

Oh, my gosh. Thanks.

So, you're 20 now.
How does it feel?

Great! It feels great.

Happy birthday.

Oh, under. Oh!

We're all good.

Do you have crabs?
I got the pasta.

No, that's not what
I'm talking about.

Do you have an std and that's
why you won't have sex with me?

Meghan, no, I don't have an std.

Why are you making
such a big deal out of this?

A guy's allowed to not
be in the mood, right?

Do you want another
drink? No. No, thanks.

Are you sure? Yeah.

You want to come sit down? Yeah.

My buddy in ann arbor will
settle this once and for all.

No. I'm sorry. I know for a fact

That sarah jane is the only
sidekick tom baker ever had.

You're so wrong. I'm so right.

W-what are you guys doing?

Uh, molly, here, thinks
the bbc is her birthright,

And I have an e-mail that's
about to prove her wrong.

Do you really think

That now's the best
time to check your e-mail?

Yes. It'll only
take a few seconds.

And then molly will know
who the whomaster really is.

Mm-hmm.

I'll be back in a
second, okay? Okay.

Don't open that one

'Cause I know there's a
virus going around, so...

I'm not one of your
clueless clientele, okay?

I know how to work a computer.

All right, guys, I'm gonna
give a little toast, okay?

Okay, man. This will
only take a few seconds.

Holy crap!

Ben...

Oh, that's not real, is it?

Can I talk to you? No, no, no,
no, no. What the hell is that?

Can we just go talk
outside for a second?

That's that guy, right? The guy we
saw at epstein bar. What's his name?

Randy. Yeah, I know.

I-i should have told
you this when we saw him.

Tell me now. What happened?

There were these drinks, and I
don't even know what was in them.

Who gave you those drinks?
Did randy give you those drinks?

I-i don't know. I
can't remember.

And...

Ben, wait.

Ben!

I didn't...

What do I do?

Okay, I can handle this, okay?

I think we all need
to take a moment

And... Have some tiramisu.

Hey, where's randy?

Unless you live here,
you should knock.

Where's randy?!

Is there some sort of problem?

Yeah, there's a problem.
Where the hell is he?

Randy's not here. What's up?

Which one of you guys
sent out that e-mail...

That picture of
him at the party?

Dude, what's the issue?

Who sent the picture of my girlfriend
naked out to the whole school?

Who did that? Do
you mean felicity?

Did you send that picture,
man? You just better back off.

Just tell me who
sent out the picture!

Is that your girlfriend?

Yes!

Because she slept with randy.

What?

I'm sorry, man, but
that's what happened.

Yeah, and she
wasn't exactly acting

Like she had any
other commitments.

Well, that was a
memorable evening.

It gives me a psychic chill.

It gives me physical disgust.

Felicity and that frat guy?

Some people.

Some people are just stains.

You know what I think?

Hmm?

I think you're a puritan.

Really?

Yeah. You... You know,
like arthur dimmesdale.

Maybe I should play
hester prynne. You know?

Hey, wait. Whoa,
whoa. Wait a minute.

Uh, in case it
slipped your mind,

I happen to be
student-body president.

So?

So, i, uh...

Uh, um... I can't...

I can't be involved
with a sex scandal. It...

It would ruin me.

Oh, no. No, we can be
really discreet, okay?

Hey, wait a minute. I...

You... You don't know
anything about me.

You... You don't
know where I'm from.

You don't know what
my mom does for a living.

You don't know my middle name.

You can't just...

Is it christopher?

Who tipped you off?

Did I get it right?

My enemies are everywhere.

Just...

Listen, i-i know that you've
been wondering what's up.

And, uh, I didn't want
to tell you this, but...

I don't know. After tonight...

After seeing what happened with
felicity and ben... I... I don't know.

I don't think we should
have secrets between us.

Yeah, that would be interesting.

I have a sore nut.

Huh? Testicle.

They call them testicles,
but, um, whatever.

Anyway, I went and I
saw a urologist about it.

And he thinks that, uh,
you know, it might be...

Infected, and so,
I'm taking antibiotics.

That's it?

You freak, that's why
you've been shutting me out?

Yeah, pretty much.

What else did the doctor say?

Uh, nothing.

He just said that he might
want to do an ultrasound

Just to rule out any...

The emperor.

The emperor. What?

It showed up earlier
tonight, upside down,

Which means weak character.

It's the kind of guy who covers
the window with a blanket

So he doesn't see the
approaching army...

The guy who doesn't
want to face facts.

Okay, you know what, I'm still here
on earth, so... Listen to what I'm saying.

You can't ignore something
that could be serious.

I'm not. I'm not. No, it's... It's nothing.
Then why don't you get the ultrasound?

I'm on antibiotics!
Are they helping?

Sean! You know what? I'm not
taking the damn ultrasound.

I'm not doing it.

Will you do it if I ask you to?

No.

Then you're an idiot.

First, for not telling
me what's going on

And now for not doing
the only smart thing.

I'm going home.

Okay, so, that's great.
You're going home.

Because of some stupid cards?

Hey.

Uh... A scotch,
please. Straight up.

Never ordered that before.

So, what's up? What
are you doing here?

Um... Thank you.

You know, regardless of
whether we like to admit it or not,

You and I have actually
become friends.

I take that silence
as a confirmation.

As your friend, I
don't want to see you

Make the same
mistake that I did.

So, what... You think you know
something about me and felicity

'Cause you dated
her two years ago?

♪ The smiles still
on their faces ♪

Look, we've, uh, we've both
had our share of nights.

You know?

What... What does that mean?

What are you talking about?

Uh, I mean, dumb, drunken nights

Where we did some
boneheaded thing

That we'd never
do if we were sober.

Okay. Thank you.

Mm-hmm.

That's what this is. It has
nothing to do with you.

You know, there are some
things that you don't know about.

Yeah.

Is that it?

Mnh-mnh.

I, uh, I have one
more thing to say.

If you push her
away because of this,

You're gonna regret it later.

And that I know for sure.

♪ What I do ♪

♪ Going under ♪

♪ Getting over you ♪

♪ Anything ♪

♪ Is better than this sorrow ♪

Um...

We should talk
about what happened.

I know.

Where... Where did you go?

I went to the frat house.

Ben, I'm so sorry.

I know I should have told you.

But you didn't. You should
have, but you didn't tell me.

I got so drunk at that party.

I can't. I can't.

No, ben. Please, please. I
know that's not an excuse.

Then don't say it
then! Don't do that!

I completely blacked out.

That's what you should
tell me! Don't lie to me!

Don't pretend that
that guy you slept with

Was some guy from some class!

All I know is that
I slept in his room.

I don't even remember
what happened.

You want to know what happened?

You want to know what happened?!

You slept with him.

You had sex with him.

Whoa.

Uh, i-i didn't see you there.

The... The door
was unlocked, so i...

We... We need to talk.

Yeah.

Yeah, your boyfriend came by.

Yeah, you know what? How could
you send those pictures to everyone?

I mean, I just introduced you to my
boyfriend. Did you do that on purpose?

Hey, I swear to god I didn't
send those things out.

I mean, it wasn't my
decision. Randall!

What's up, man?

Well, well, well.
Look who's back.

The, uh, ping-pong queen.

So, you coming back
for the, uh, championship?

No, no. I don't think so.

Dude, where's
the coffee at, man?

Could you give us a minute?

You got it, player.

Look, I just want to
ask you something,

And then I'll go.

Were we at least safe?

Yeah, we were as
safe as you can get.

I mean, we didn't
have sex at all.

What?

Yeah, you were really
sick, so I just put you to bed.

I mean, yeah, you know, I
wanted something to happen.

It's just... But you
were a train wreck.

Wait... Wait a second.
We just slept?

Sadly, for me.

The next morning, the
guys... My brothers...

They just assumed, you know,
so I thought, "who cares?"

I mean, no one will get hurt,

And they'll think
I'm a wicked stud.

We just slept.

Hey.

I gotta start locking that door.

Okay, why when I wanted
you to take care of my nose,

Did you tell me that
I was this big baby?

But now that I'm dealing
with this on my own...

No, no, no, no. Let's
get something straight.

Pretending
something doesn't exist

Does not qualify
as dealing with it.

And you know it.

Okay. You know what?

I'm sorry about last night.

I'm just having some
trouble with the idea

That, uh, you know,

I might actually have
some kind of problem.

But i, uh, I made an appointment
this morning with that doctor.

I'm gonna do that ultrasound.

And I'm asking if
you'll come with me.

I'm sorry. I can't.

I'm getting a new tattoo.

What?

Oh, sean. I'm kidding. Of
course I'll go with you.

Sean: yeah? Yeah,
you do... Thanks, man.

You do get to see an unusual side
of student life when you have this job.

I mean, that's what I like
about it... The diversity.

What about that music major?

Oh, yeah, jason. Well, he, uh...

He's not really unusual so much.

He just likes me,
which is annoying.

You know, there is... There's
one weird thing about him.

It's like his dorm room

Is this zone of disturbing
imagery, you know?

I don't know. Okay, the
first time I was there,

I saw that
disturbing frat e-mail.

Right. Right?

The last time I
was there, i, uh...

I saw something else.

You know, it's actually illegal

To burn candles
in your dorm room.

Oh, god!

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

No, I'm sorry. I just...

Forget it. You know, I
used to be an r.a., So i...

Right!

Yeah.

So, um...

This is bach. Oh, wow.

Yeah, the "fourth cantata."

It's nice.

I have two tickets to the
philharmonic bach festival

Friday at 7:00.

Do you want to go with me?

Um... Do you... Do you
have a crush on me?

Yes.

Okay. That's...
See, I'm flattered.

I am, but, uh, I'm
also straight.

Uh...

Don't worry about it.

Okay.

And, um...

My computer is fine.

Yeah, i-i kind of...

I kind of figured that I was...

So, just, uh...

You... You... You take care.

You too.

You see this here?

This darker area?

Yeah. Is that bad?

Well, that definitely means
it's an inter-testicular mass.

Mass? You mean,
like a... Like a lump?

Some sort of growth, yes.

At this point, I recommend
a surgical procedure

To determine whether or
not the mass is a carcinoma.

You might want to
get a second opinion.

That's fine.

But, uh...

Do it quickly.

If it is malignant,

We need to take it out
as soon as possible.

Can you...

Can you ask meghan
to come in for a second?

Yeah. Of course.

What the hell's going
on with you? Hmm?

You keep looking at me
like I have hair implants.

No, no. Nothing. I'm sorry.

So, hey, how'd it...

How'd it go with
molly last night?

Oh.

Thanks. Thank you.

That chick kind
of freaks me out.

Yeah, she was trying to work
some kind of voodoo thing on me.

It wasn't happening. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, well, I guess you're...

You know, you're either susceptible
to voodoo or you're not, I guess.

Yeah, hey, don't get me wrong.

I mean, she's one
hot babe, you know.

I just... I'm not into the
ultra-aggressive thing.

Yeah. I get it. I understand.

There you go again.

What? No, I'm not
staring at you. I'm not.

Just now. Your eyes went...

Weird. It's not. No!

We're talking.

No, come on.

Here we go. I do not care.

Okay.

Now, i-i can't... I can't
just sit there, you know,

And... And just watch you

Throw out the
bathwater with the baby.

Javier... No.

No, no, no. Just listen
to me, okay? Both of you.

Okay, now you got
me all emotional.

You two have such a
rare and special love...

And I can't stand to watch
you just blow it in the wind.

So, felicity, I'm
going to punch you in,

And I'm going to pay you both

To stand here and
talk until you make it up.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to call my samuel.

You can go out the back way if
you want. I'm not gonna tell javier.

Can I just talk to
you for a second?

No. I don't want
to talk right now.

Ben, listen, you
never talked to randy.

You only heard from
those guys, right?

I said I don't want to
talk right now, okay?

I finally talked to him today.

He said it wasn't true, that we
did nothing. Nothing happened.

And you believe him?

You said you were so drunk
you don't remember anything.

That's what you said.

I do. Ben, I believe him.

I mean, i-i-i didn't think
anything happened,

And I just wanted to make sure.

I went to that clinic.
I took all the tests.

Everything came back negative.

You got wasted, you
woke up in some guy's bed,

And then you lied to me.

All right? You lied to me.

Just let me explain.

Okay, one of us is gonna go.
Is it gonna be you or me, huh?

Fine. I'll go.

♪ It really is a miracle ♪

♪ That I have come this far ♪

♪ Without a hope,
without a prayer ♪

♪ Without a guiding star ♪

♪ In spite of my nativity ♪

♪ And many dreams betrayed ♪

♪ I know I would
not be here now ♪

♪ But for mistakes I made ♪

♪ But for mistakes I made ♪

♪ Who knows who I might be ♪

♪ Some other heart,
some other soul ♪

♪ Some other destiny ♪

♪ But for the times I took ♪

♪ A wrong turn unafraid ♪

♪ I might have missed it all ♪

♪ But for mistakes I made ♪

♪ I might have
missed it a-a-a-ll ♪

♪ But for mistakes I made ♪

♪ I made ♪

♪ I made ♪