♪ Upbeat theme playing ♪
♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba,
ba-ba-ba-ba ♪
♪
[kissing, heavy breathing]
You know, Churchill once said,
"There are only
three traditions in the Royal Navy."
We've already covered two of them.
[both laugh]
Now, all we need is some rum.
[sighs]
Or we could just revisit
tradition number two again.
[both giggle, murmur]
Captain!
- [Captain grunts]
- WOMAN: Whoa!
In our bed?!
Permission to explain myself.
Denied!
[whistling]
SOPHIE'S SON [on video]:
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Why are you telling me
about this cheating couple
and their weird boat kinks?
We left off on a cliffhanger kiss!
Look who wants to hear
about his mom hooking up now?
This affair will be important later,
but fine. Back to me.
So, the morning after we kissed,
I went to get my tooth fixed.
♪
[sighs]
The sun is out! Birds are singing!
[drops keys on table]
My new tooth is ready to chomp!
Hit me with one of those Twizzlers.
I got to test drive this baby.
Why are you so happy?
I'm happy because
I dropped off my photo with Naomi
at the gallery.
Mm... That's not it.
[gasps] You kissed someone!
You kissed Jesse!
Oh my god! How do you do that?
Okay. I kissed Jesse.
[shrieks]
And it was... amazing.
I feel terrible because I'm with Drew,
and he's wonderful,
but Jesse is... Jesse.
Enough feelings! Tell me about the kiss.
Is he a tongue swirler? Lip biter?
Oh, did you do that creepy thing
where you keep your eyes open?
I like to see if my partners
are enjoying themselves.
Is that so bad?
Yes! It's like kissing
an American Girl Doll.
And I would know.
Felicity and I got down. Now, dish.
Okay. Drew and I got into a fight
at his fundraiser,
and then I ran into Jesse
outside of the bar.
[street noise]
[soft whistle, laugh] Wow.
- [Sophie giggling]
- Uh...
Look, I-I know you're probably, um,
emotional from what
happened with Drew, so...
No, no, no.
That's not what that was. I just...
I wanted to kiss you.
Yeah? [laughs]
Me, too. For a long time now, actually.
Although, in my head,
uh, when this happened,
we both had all our teeth.
But, this is somehow better.
Oh my god, that's romantic!
And your kids would be so cute.
I've always wanted to be
someone's hot aunt,
AKA... "haunt."
Bro, I have always wanted
to be someone's huncle!
Okay. Alright, dude. Slow your roll.
It was just a kiss.
Dude, I've been shipping
you guys since day one, okay?
So, for this romance
to blossom outside my bar?
[kiss]
[laughs]
What about Drew?
Uh, after the kiss,
I had the exact same question.
What about Drew?
He's the sweetest guy.
But, Jesse and I see
the world the same way,
and there's been something
between us since the day we met.
- So...
- Sophie decided to break up with Drew
- today.
- Oh, thank God.
Before you go through with this,
I have to ask.
You sure Jesse feels the same way?
Because if he hurts
you, I will k*ll him,
and I have a feeling Jesse's ghost
would be super annoying.
- He feels the same way.
- JESSE: Hey,
would you wanna get dinner
with me tomorrow night?
That, uh, the pita place
on Delancey is now,
like, a punny Thai restaurant?
- Thai Tanic!
- Yes.
I've been wanting to try that place.
VALENTINA: Okay, Jesse.
I see you.
Following things up
with a concrete plan.
This has my blessing.
God, I love when two
hot dorks get together.
[groans]
Today's the day we promised Charlie
we'd finally watch soccer with him.
Remember?
He's been harassing us
about it for weeks...
Two weeks till Friends Soccer Day!
- [unenthusiastic murmuring]
- Eh? And yes,
I will be referring to it as,
[forced]: "soccer,"
so that your American brains
can understand it.
I can't keep that plan in my head
because it sounds so boring.
[sighs]
I think I got to skip it
and go talk to Drew.
Tell Charlie that I'm sorry.
Oh, and promise me...
You won't tell the g*ng
what happened until after our date.
Sophie and I don't need
everyone gossiping.
Thumb promise.
'Cause thumbs are stronger than pinkies.
Dude, I feel so good about this!
Like, literally nothing
could bring me down.
Okay, I love hearing that
'cause I do have something to tell you.
Uh... [clears throat],
super no big deal.
- Boring even.
- Yeah?
But, just so you know,
Meredith dropped by yesterday.
Oh... Chill...
She's dropping a new single today.
It's about your relationship.
Like I said, no big thang.
Let's not even listen to it
'cause who cares?
So, let's just go to the bar, okay?
Hannah's coming straight
from the airport, and...
You're opening Spotify.
HANNAH [singing]: I shoulda
gotten off the train at Jay Street...
♪ 'Cause I wanna be where
the tracks and the pavement meet ♪
♪ Sometimes, I still think ♪
♪ I can hear your heartbeat ♪
♪ Then, I realize ♪
♪ I'm just missing Jay Street ♪
What?! Is this song about
how she regrets dumping me?
Am I Jay Street?
Not necessarily.
She coulda just missed her stop.
Okay, fine.
Yes, of course, you're Jay Street, dude.
This is not a subtle metaphor.
Just don't spin out about this.
[knocking] [sighs]
- Jesse...
- Meredith, hi. Uh,
congrats on the new single.
Uh, quick question about it. What the...
[knocking]
Sophie. Hi.
Drew. Hey.
I'm sorry to just stop by like this,
but we really need to talk.
Agreed.
Look, I'm so sorry about last night.
I was pissed you were late,
and I let it get the best of me.
[sighs] Man, apologizing feels good.
Fighting gives me stress hives.
Under this sweater, I'm a mess.
OLDER WOMAN: Drew! Is that the voice
of the fabulous Sophie we're hearing?
- Who is that?
- [gasps] It is.
Lou, look. Look at her.
I'm looking, Sue.
She's even prettier than
her Instagram photos.
We're having brunch.
Come! Join us.
That is such a kind offer.
I was just stopping by...
Nonsense!
You're staying for bagels.
Drew and his father were
just about to go pick them up.
Uh, I'll be fast! I promise! Okay...
[slam]
I hope my son does not
say that in the bedroom. [giggles]
♪
It is time for my beloved Blues
to take us on a roller coaster
of emotions.
So, get ready for some
thrills, chills...
and a likely final score of nil-nil.
Sorry, w-what's all this?
Charlie, we got hours together
to knock out as much wedding
planning as possible, okay? So...
Well, I think you mean weddings, plural,
since we also decided
to do an Indian wedding.
Which means choosing
two venues, two cakes,
and two places to cry
when I get overwhelmed.
Hannah. We'll get it done, okay?
- I promise.
- Okay.
You see, soccer isn't really
a sort of "plan your weddings"
and give each other supportive smooches"
kind of sport.
You know, it really does
require undivided attention.
Hope everybody's ready
for a fashion show!
What?
I got an interview later
to be an associate produce buyer
for Goliath Market corporate office,
so I need to put together
an interview look...
Jasper, what do you think?
Looks like Beetlejuice costume.
Okay...
Uh...
Where's Jesse?
I told him about Meredith's song.
- Twist!
- Yeah, so he's spinning out.
- Predictable!
- What's predictable?
[sighs] Meredith wrote a song
about missing Jesse,
and now he's totally spiraling.
Oh no...
Why "oh no?"
What do you know?
Nothing.
What do you know?
Do you both know something I don't?
[soccer playing on TV]
SID/VALENTINA: Sophie and
Jesse kissed last night!
[all cheering]
See? I knew you guys would get into it!
No one was watching, were they?
[squealing]
Okay. [clears throat]
Meredith, what do the lyrics
of Jay Street mean?
Do you regret breaking up with me?
Okay, look, I know
I owe you a lot of answers,
but can we just sit and talk over food?
No, no, no.
You can't derail my confrontation
by tempting me with French fries.
Okay, I'm not the Hamburglar.
Come on. We can play the game
where you close your eyes and...
guess which hot sauce is which.
Oh, damn it. [puts down cloche]
You know I can't resist
Hot Sauce Surprise.
Feels like you've been part
of our family forever. Oh!
Let's post a selfie with
the caption, "two peas in a pod."
Oh, maybe later.
Do you know Drew and I have
only been dating for two months?
That's when Lou proposed to me.
We met at a Mets game back in ' ,
when I spilled an entire
Coors Light down his shirt.
[laughs]
Lou slapped me on the ass.
I looked at him, and he said, "Sue me."
- [laughing]
- Ha...
- My name is Sue!
- Yeah.
[laughing]
I laughed so hard that my dress
basically flew off.
What a... beautiful story.
Yeah. We got married, and we had Drew,
and we've had a timeshare
in Aruba ever since.
[gasps] Sophie,
you got to come down and see it.
Our place has this beautiful
wall-to-wall carpet...
Oh, thanks.
I-I don't think I can make it.
I'm booking you a ticket.
Are you a window or an aisle person?
No, do not book me
a ticket to Aruba! Okay?
I... I'm breaking up with Drew.
Oh, that's not going to be
possible, sweetheart.
What?
Lou and I have a little bit of bad news
of our own to tell Drew,
so you are not breaking
up with him today.
I have to.
I am trying to do the right thing here.
Rock, paper, scissors for it?
[scoffs] I don't think so.
Fist up, kiddo. Let's do this.
Who do you guys think went in
for the kiss first?
Sophie! Right?
My girl is a modern woman.
She sees what she wants,
and she goes for it.
Uh-uh. There is no way my guy didn't
go in for that kiss first, okay?
His lean game is strong.
Oh my god! I just realized something.
If Sophie and Jesse get married,
then Sophie will get
my Goliath Market family discount!
Not in that outfit she won't.
Guys, two hot dorks hooked up.
Okay, it is very exciting,
but I do think we are losing sight
of what's really important here.
Yeah. You guys are kind of
burying the lede here.
Sophie cheated on Drew.
Oh. I mean...
yeah, but she's gonna end things today.
And besides, this is
the good kind of cheating.
[nervous groaning] [slams laptop]
And I'm guessing that was not
the right thing to say.
Drew's our friend, Sid.
And I didn't know there was
a "good" kind of cheating.
I mean, of course there is.
It's cheating that leads
to something good,
like finding your person
or Beyoncé's Lemonade.
Yeah. Great. Amazing to know
that I'm planning a wedding with a man
who is so supportive of cheating.
- Oh, two weddings!
- Hannah, don't worry.
Sophie's doing the right thing
and breaking up with Drew as we speak.
- Rock-Paper-Scissors, sh**t!
- Ha!
Ah, that one doesn't count, either.
Your paper looked a lot like scissors.
I am doing the best I can.
I told you I have early onset arthritis.
Look at the two of you.
We're gone minutes,
and you're practically sister-wives.
A joke that implies
Sophie's married to you
or I'm married to Mom, both of
which are disgusting and illegal.
Hey, Drew, why don't I help you
toast the bagels in the kitchen?
Uh, speaking of toast,
remember that guy Bernie Madoff?
Your father committed similar crimes,
and he lost a tremendous amount
of his clients' money,
and he very possibly is going to jail.
- What does that have to do with toast?
- Sweetheart,
you're toast.
What? B-b-but,
you won the Long Island Gazette's
"Favorite Financial Advisor"
the last five years!
Your portrait's up at the dry cleaner.
I need a bagel.
Look on the bright side, sweetheart.
You still have your wonderful
girlfriend by your side,
so you don't have to
go through this alone.
You're right. I... I do have Sophie.
SUE: Boop.
What if we put your aunt at table four?
[sighs] No, we can't.
My uncle's at table four,
and he cheated on her.
- Oh.
- But wait.
According to you, it was good cheating
because he and his paralegal
are still together.
Someone didn't sleep on the plane.
I got plenty of sleep on the plane.
[phone buzzing]
- Is that Jesse?
- Nah, it's...
- She has your phone.
- What?!
"Went to see Meredith. Needed answers."
Drew...
I'm breaking up with you.
Sue, Lou, good luck
with the trial. [laughs]
[phone buzzing]
- What's up?
- Jesse's with Meredith right now.
She's got a new song out about
regretting their breakup.
And he went to see her.
Oh.
I'm sorry, Soph, but I wanted you
to have all the facts
before breaking up with Drew.
What are you going to do?
I don't know.
I got to go.
[sighs]
MEREDITH [singing]: I shoulda
gotten off the train at Jay Street...
♪ 'Cause I wanna be
where the tracks and the pavement meet ♪
♪ Sometimes I still think ♪
[humming along] I can
hear your heartbeat...
♪ Then, I realize ♪
♪ I'm just missing Jay Street ♪
How is this song about Jesse?
[singing continues]
"J" Street. "J" is for Jesse.
Clever, Meredith.
- [soccer playing on TV]
- Yes!
Oh, Val, tell me you caught
a glimpse of that goal.
I'm...
sorry, but I'll catch the next one.
Hashtag "next goal's the best goal,"
am I right?
You can't because the game's over.
[clap]
Sorry.
Thanks for watching.
- Charlie...
- Look,
I realize that it's just
a silly game, okay?
But, that game...
is the only connection
that I have to home right now.
And yes, I was hoping that
I could share it with everyone
and that, for just one day,
I would forget
that I'm thousands of miles away
from everything that I've ever known.
Charlie, I had no idea
you were homesick.
I am.
I miss the...
the terrible weather
and-and the bland food
and the bars that close at : ,
and fine.
I realize I'm not doing a very good job
of selling England right now,
but I miss it because it's my home.
[sighs] I'm gonna go take a walk.
Charlie!
So... What do we think of this look?
That was . They said,
"Don't make the same mistakes I did."
Oh, that was .
They said they want their joke back.
Oh, that was Ellen.
She said, "This isn't helping!"
Yeah, I called myself.
There you are. Hey, are you okay?
I-I know this is a lot.
I'm sorry you walked
into all this craziness.
Seriously. Drew,
your dad could be going to jail,
and you're worried about me?
Of course.
I mean, you kind of mean a lot to me,
Sophie, in case you didn't know.
[sighs] Drew...
We need to break up.
- What?
- I know the timing sucks.
It's definitely not ideal.
- Today's also my half birthday.
- Oh god...
You deserve to be with a woman
who is % sure
that you're the guy for her
because you are just incredible.
And you're not that woman.
♪
I'm not that woman.
- Iguana Gold Island Pepper Sauce.
- Oh my god.
[laughing]
Seven for seven! It's a new record!
Yes! I don't have many skills,
but the ones I do have are all useless.
[laughs]
Yes, Jesse, I...
I did write Jay Street about you,
and I do regret breaking up with you.
[sighs]
So, then why did you
turn down my proposal?
[scoffs] Uh...
Because before we met,
I had had boyfriends,
since I was years old.
And then I met you, and...
[sighs]
Well, you're the kind of guy
I could spend hours with just playing
Hot Sauce Surprise on a rainy day.
I loved being with you.
I loved playing in our band.
But, I had no voice.
What are you talking about?
Of course, you had a voice.
You were the lead singer.
N... Sure. Yeah, I was singing
your words to your melody.
That's not true.
We wrote all our songs together.
Yeah, but you always had final say,
and you know it. Look, it's not...
[sighs]
It's not your fault, okay?
I let you be in charge. But then,
when you proposed,
I finally realized I can't say yes.
I needed to figure out who I was.
As an artist and as a woman,
and now I have.
And...
I miss having you in my life.
[Jesse sighs]
♪
I need a piano player
for my tour next month, and...
I really want it to be you.
We can figure things out on the road.
[sighs]
[sighs]
Save your jokes. I know I look
like Diane Keaton got drunk
and gave me a makeover.
[sighs] I'm canceling the interview.
Lose the hat.
Unbutton the vast. [clicking]
Use this jacket,
and turn that tie into a belt.
- Oh, and give me your keys.
- Oh. What are we doing with my keys?
Nothing. I'm taking them to make
things right with Charlie.
Wait, did she say
turn the tie into a belt,
or a belt into a tie?
Come back!
Airplane cookie peace offering?
I've been overreacting about
the whole "good cheating" thing.
I trust you more than anyone
in this world, but...
this long distance
thing is super hard.
Sometimes, I worry how much
our relationship can stand.
I get that.
Hannah, sometimes...
I miss you so much...
I sit on my own hand
until it goes numb, and then...
Ew!
Sid, I don't need to know about that.
No. [scoffs] Then,
I hold it and pretend it's yours, okay?
And look, good news is
your residency is almost done.
You'll be back in New York in no time.
[sighs] Something came up.
There's an opportunity for me
to stay in LA
and do a cardiothoracic fellowship
once my program ends.
In which case,
long distance might go a little longer.
Like a year longer.
Oh.
My hand is gonna be so numb.
[sniffles]
♪ God Save The Queen playing ♪
Yeah.
Charlie, I am sorry
for missing the game.
I get that you miss watching it
with your family, and...
who knows? Maybe one day, we'll have
a bunch of rug rats of our own
to watch soccer with.
- Oh...
- I know, I know!
I never say anything that corny,
but you were gone for a while,
so I spiked the tea.
And I drank most of it.
[both laugh]
I mean, I-I know that you're
supposed to be a Spice Girl, but, um...
♪ music continues ♪
but which one are you exactly?
All of them!
Shoes of Baby, pants of Sporty,
top of Scary, makeup of Posh,
[British accent]: and accent of Ginger!
[both laugh]
Thank you.
[kiss]
♪ music continues ♪
♪ soft music ♪
[phone buzzing]
- Hello?
- Sophie, it's Naomi.
You really ran down the clock
on getting me your submission.
I know.
I-I couldn't decide
which photo was the right one...
Well, you made the right choice.
I love it.
So much that I'm putting it
into our New Voices exhibition.
It opens tomorrow night.
Holy sh*t!
[gasps] Uh, I mean...
I am honored. Thank you so much.
I'm going to remember
this moment forever.
The gallery takes % commission.
See you tomorrow.
Way to k*ll a mood.
Uh, sorry. Walker, party of two.
I-I'm a little bit late,
so my date's probably already here.
Nope, first to arrive.
- Oh.
- Right this way.
Can I start you off
with anything to drink?
Uh...
I'll just wait for him to get here.
Thank you.
♪ I wish I could get over it ♪
♪ But I wouldn't know
where to start ♪
♪ Try to find my footing
on this ground ♪
♪ But I tripped in the dark ♪
♪
FUTURE SOPHIE: I need a snack.
SOPHIE'S SON: Now?
Yes, now! I've been talking forever.
I'm starving.
SOPHIE'S SON: But, we're right in
the middle! D-does he show up or not?
[sighs] Just sit tight.
Go pee or something.
♪ To patch up all the holes ♪
♪ That's what falling in love is for ♪