05x03 - Oh, I'm Not Gonna Tell Her

[bunniefuu]

[TRAFFIC WHOOSHING PAST]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[CAR DOORS OPEN]

[CAR DOORS CLOSE]

[MAX SIGHS]

You okay?

I'm okay.

I think.

Crampy. [CHUCKLES]

Did they at least give you a lollipop?

[SIGHS]

[CHUCKLES]

You want something to eat... ice cream?

No, I'm not-I'm not hungry.

I'm... I'm, like, a little nauseous.

That's the anesthesia.

Only one thing will help with that.

[GASPS]

Ice-cold. Mexican.

Mmm.

- In a bottle.
- In a bottle.

[BOTH EXHALE]

- Oh, God. So perfect.
- Mm.

Thank you so much.

Can you drop me off at my mom's house?

I think I'm gonna hang there
for the rest of the day.

Good.

Do you want me to be there
with you when you tell her?

Oh, I'm not gonna tell her.

- _
- ♪ I believe in miracles ♪

♪ Where you from, you sexy thing? ♪

♪ You sexy thing, you ♪

♪ I believe in miracles ♪

♪ Since you came along... ♪

SAM: Hello. Hello.

- [BEEPING]
- Oh.

Oh, sorry.

Ooh, are you ok... okay.

- Sorry. This always happens to... oh.
- [BEEPING]

- [GROANS]
- [BEEPING]

Idiot. Stupid.

[BEEPING]

- [GROANS]
- [DEVICE WHIRRING]

Okay.

All right.

Can I get...

- [BEEPING]
- Okay. [SIGHS]

♪ I believe in miracles ♪

♪ Where you from... ♪

Hi. Sam Fox.

Yes. So good to have you.

- Thank you.
- Leona.

This is Leona. Leona's gonna
be your assistant today.

Oh, my assistant. Okay.

You need to fill out a name tag.

Oh. All right. Here.

Ooh, you brought donuts.

I didn't know how many
people to bring it for,

- but there you go.
- That was nice of you,

but we can't bring
food in the classrooms.

Health and safety. But I
love me some Krispy Kreme.

Teachers are allowed. One of the perks.

Good. You deserve it.

Teachers are the best.

[CHEWY BARKING]

Hi.

[GASPS] Oh, sweetie.

- FRANKIE: Hi.
- Where are you?

FRANKIE: I'm in the trading room.

MAX: Where? The what?

What are you doing home?

I don't know. I just,
uh, just came home.

Felt like being here.

What are these? [CHUCKLES]

This is Mom's old
baseball card collection.

Um, I wouldn't touch them if I were you.

Lady Crazy has them categorized

by year, team,

player, position.

And God knows what else. So...

Where is she?

Some charity thing, I don't know.

So, uh, what grade am I reading to?

- Sixth grade.
- Sixth grade?

That's crazy. These books
ain't for middle schoolers.

I guess I'll do this
one and I can just put

a little spin on it, right, Leona?

Heh.

Excuse me, I'm Tony Soprano.

I'm looking for a friend
of mine named Sammy.

- Uncle Kevin!
- [LAUGHING]

- Hey, baby girl. How you doing?
- Hi.

- Ooh, look at you. Look at you.
- I'm good. How you doing? What?

- Ugh, looking good, Sammy.
- What?

I love my wife, I love my wife.

- [LAUGHS]
- Hey... How are the girls?

Oh, great. They're all
older than me now.

You know, give my love
to them, please. Aw.

I will.

- Great... What grade you get?
- Sixth.

Ooh, you got the same grade
as my buddy Danny Trejo.

- You know Danny?
- Are you kidding me?

Max and I were just eating his tacos.

Ugh, girl, I might as
well tape those to my ass.

- Let me tell you... Yo, Danny.
- [LAUGHS]

Yo, yo, yo, man.

Come here. I want you to meet a friend.

- This is Sam Fox.
- SAM: Hi.

- Hi...
- We go way back in the day.

We did a lot of games and
shows and whatnot, man.

She's got the sixth grade, too.

I know who she is. I'm a big fan.

SAM: Are you kidding me? Oh, my God.

I have to tell you, my heart...

I'm a little starstruck right now.

- Runaway Train.
- That was my first movie.

And I am so glad I let
that guy kick my ass.

- [LAUGHTER]
- Me, too.

Hey, can I get a selfie with you?

My girls would die.
I never ask people for these.

- I got to.
- Hey, anything for the kids.

I've got .

- Eight...
- What?

That's "chy."

- Someone needs a vasectomy.
- It's chai.

- Chai? Chai.
- [LAUGHS] It's a holy number.

It's-it's a good thing.

I can't wait for my youngest

to be done with middle school.

One more year and she's free.
Middle school is the worst.

[CHUCKLES] Boy, I agree,

'cause the last of my kids are
going through middle school.

[SCOFFS] You really have kids?

Damn. Ooh. [LAUGHS]

[IMITATES RODNEY DANGERFIELD]: kids.

- Ooh, boy, eh?
- [LAUGHING]

- See you, Danny, Sammy.
- Love you, Kevin.

- Love you, baby. Take care.
- See you.

Yeah, I've been having
kids for the past years.

- Whoa.
- You know, at one point,

I had my daughter, my granddaughter

and my great-granddaughter
all in the same middle school.

- Oh, my God.
- Now I just have my baby.

She's in some bougie-washy school

in, uh, the Valley.

Oh, which school?

S.N.A.

S.N... That's where my daughter goes.

That's crazy. How have
I not seen you there?

Maybe they know each other.

Maybe. It was nice meeting you, Sam.

- Nice to meet you, too.
- And, uh, watch your back in there.

Watch my back? What
are you talking about?

You've never done this before, huh?

No.

Well, the room can get really cold.

And them little shits can
turn on you in a minute.

So what I usually do when that happens

is, uh, funny voices. Like,

[HIGH-PITCHED]:
hey, papi, watch out, papi.

Here I come. I'm going
to bring the water now.

Hey, papi, ¿sabes que?

Boil a lot of firewood.

[REGULAR VOICE]:
You know, so, that kind of helps.

Who knew

- you had all of that in you?
- [BELL RINGING]

[BOTH LAUGH]

- See you.
- Good luck. Bye-bye.

[DANNY WHISTLES]

- [KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- [CHEWY BARKING]

- Why don't you use your key?
- I forgot my key.

- Hello, sir.
- Heya.

- Hey. Hi.
- Hey. Hiya, chimp.

Give me some sugar. Oh...

- It's good to see you.
- Good to see you, too.

[EXHALES] Um, I'm a little parched.

Could I get a glass of water?

For sure. Yeah.

Hey.

- MAX: Hi, Dad.
- Hey, honey. What a nice surprise.

- How are you?
- How are you?

Good, yeah. I mean, we
had a really good trip.

DUKE: Yeah, but it was hella hot.

Like, degrees every day.

Yeah, but we made
the best of it, though.

- Right?
- Guys, I think I'm gonna order kabobs

from Massis.

Dad, do you want anything?

Yeah, do you want kabobs, Dad?

- I'm hungry.
- I'm hungry, too.

You know,

your mother always, always keeps...

somewhere she...

Oh, this...

I knew it.

Who wants camarones borrachos?

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

TEACHER: Kids, quiet down.

Settle down. Everybody, quiet.

Sam Fox is here to read you a book.

SAM: Hello. Hi.

So...

You can use this.

- This is okay?
- Yeah.

Okay, I'm sorry to interrupt.

Hi.

So, I'm here to read
you guys this book today.

So, it's really good to see you.

And, uh, uh, it's called
Giorgio Scoots Along.

Okay.

I used...

- On this?
- TEACHER: Mm-hmm.

Oh, cool.

You see the... That's the wrong way.

Okay, so, here we go.

"Giorgio the giraffe,
he liked to have fun.

"He played on the scooter

out in the hot sun."

Oh... That's so cool.

I remember these from... Um...

Okay. "He went on the street, and..."

Oh, I can read it from there.

[LAUGHS] So dumb...

"I don't like to walk.
I don't like to run.

All I want is fun, fun, fun."

[CLEARS THROAT]

[GRAVELLY VOICE]: I don't like to walk,

I don't like to run.

All I want is fun, fun, fun.

[EXHALES, CLEARS THROAT]

[REGULAR VOICE]: You know what?

You guys don't want me
to read this book, do you?

I mean, it-it's like... This is,
like, this is for babies, right?

No, you guys are probably wondering,

"Who is this lady" and
what am I doing here, right?

'Cause you're famous?

What's your name?

Adrien.

No, Adrien, I am not famous.

I am what you call a working actor.

I work onstage and on screen.

Sometimes I write and direct stuff.

What do you want to do when you grow up?

I want to play in the NFL.

- What do you want to do?
- Football.

I sense a pattern here. How about you?

- Baseball.
- Hmm. Okay.

But what if you couldn't
play sports anymore

when you got older?

Then what would you do?

I want to be the president's doctor.

Oh, that is very specific.

I don't want to be an actor,
because, like, that time

I did Lion King in the third grade

and I fell on stage
during the performance.

Ha! That sh*t was so funny, Beatrice.

- Your ass ate it.
- SAM: No, no, no.

TEACHER: Adrien, last warning.

Listen,

you don't worry about that, sweetheart.

Because funky stuff happens
onstage all the time.

And here's the best part:

you don't just have to be an actor

if you want to work in my business.

Does anybody here like to draw?

You like to draw? You guys like to draw?

You could be a graphic designer,

an animator.

You could work in the art department.

You could be an electrician.

You could set up all
kinds of cool lighting.

Who here likes to drive?

You like to drive?

You could be a stunt driver.

You could drive a pod car.

A teamster.
A transportation coordinator.

Transportation captain.

- Wouldn't you like to be a captain?
- [LAUGHTER]

Who likes to climb?

You could be a rigger.
You could be a grip.

You could be a gaffer.

What about fashion?

Anybody into fashion?

You could be a costumer.

You could be a shopper.

You guys are good at math?

- [CHUCKLING]
- The accounting department

of a TV show, of a movie.

And you could be the face
that hands people their check,

- because I know, personally...
- Is this you?

What is that?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

- Don't google me. Don't, don't, don't.
- Damn.

- Damn!
- Don't google me!

Don't, don't, don't,
don't. You have Wi-Fi here?

- BOOKER: Hey!
- It's not...

meant for... kids.

[DRUMMING RHYTHMICALLY]

[SLAPPING RHYTHMICALLY]

[DRUMMING RHYTHMICALLY]

[SLAPPING RHYTHMICALLY]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Yeah.

Anyway, there's all kinds of...

lops of jo-jobs you could do in, uh...

I'm gonna talk to them
about the books next time.

But you guys keep going.

Stay in school!

Be cool!

Yeah.

You're in trouble, Adrien.

♪ Knock, knock ♪

♪ Who's there? ♪

♪ Well, I ♪

- ♪ Declare ♪
- [KIDS CHATTERING]

♪ How do ♪

♪ It's you ♪

♪ Hey, won't you come
in and be my guest? ♪

♪ Take off ♪

- ♪ Your hat ♪
- [CHATTERING]

- ♪ The wel... ♪
- DUKE: You know what, that's...

Dad, say hi to Pepper.

Hi, Pepper.

- Hi.
- Hi!

- Cooking some food.
- Oh, okay.

Bye!

[CHATTER, CHUCKLING CONTINUING]

♪ Come in ♪

♪ And make yourself at home ♪

♪ Let's have a ball ♪

♪ We're all alone ♪

♪ Come in and I'll ignore the phone ♪

♪ Hey, won't you come
in and be my guest? ♪

♪ Come in and make yourself at home ♪

♪ Come in and I'll ignore the phone ♪

♪ Hey, won't you come in ♪

♪ And be my guest? ♪

Buddy bench. I heard of those.

It's just a bench.

Yeah.

So, what do you want to
be when you grow up, Leona?

I'm gonna be a doctor.

Good for you.

Do you like school?

It's okay.

It's sometimes hard
to go to school here.

Why?

I hate the cops.

Oh.

They just stop kids at the playground,

starting from when we're really little.

Just trying to get
information off of us.

The cops just creep around and they say,

"Hey, y'all. Come over here."

They razzle-dazzle the kids,

especially the boys.

And they say, "What's your name?"

And the boy says, "My
name is Kevin Simmons."

And they say, "Well,
where do you live, Kevin?

Do you go to school here, Kevin?"

And the boy says, "I live at
Hargraves Street in Compton."

And now Kevin Simmons
is in the f*cking system.

sh*t.

Mmm.

School burgers.

[PHONE WHOOSHING]

[SIGHS]

Who is that?

Uh, it's a guy from France.

He DMs me every once in a while.

FRANKIE: Oh, a man?

Duke, a man?

Did he just ask if he could
come visit you in L.A.?

Okay, whatever. I'm never
gonna actually meet him.

He follows me.

Yeah, 'cause of all your
thirst trap bullshit, Duke.

The puckering. The posing.

The sucking on pencil...
It's really disgusting.

Leave her alone, Frankie. Weird
people DM you all the time.

Yeah, gentle sirs and
beardnecks or whatever the f*ck.

Cool. Have fun with that.

- Good luck meeting
- Can you just, like, shut the f*ck up

- the best friends of your life.
- and mind your own business?

- Incels. Pedophiles.
- Like, yeah, like you have any friends.

Like, I actually don't
think anybody actually cares

- what you think though.
- I'm sorry, can you speak up

a little bit? I think you're mumbling
a little bit too much.

Do you have any original thoughts

or do you just copy
everything you hear Mom say?

Really? Like, do you need to do
that when he's right there?

It's so .

Like, you just want to
see how gross you can be?

You're acting like basic b*tches.

Excuse me?

"Bitch" is nonbinary.

Agreed.

Are you okay?

Fine.

What?

Nothing. Butt out.

[GRUNTS]

[SIGHS]

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Slow down.

You're talking to a grown man?

Block him or I will contact him myself.

Do you understand me?

- Yes.
- Good.

Don't f*ck around.

- It's really, really dumb.
- Okay,

sorry. Can I have my arm back?

♪ When you come to my house ♪

- ♪ Come down behind the jail ♪
- [GROANS]

♪ I got a sign on my door ♪

- [EXHALES]
- ♪ "Barbecue for sale" ♪

♪ I'm talkin' 'bout my barbecue ♪

- _
- ♪ Only thing I crave ♪

♪ And that good-doin' meat ♪

♪ Gonna carry me ♪

♪ To my grave ♪

♪ I'm sellin' it cheap ♪

- ♪ 'Cause I got good stuff ♪
- [BARKING]

Chewy. Dude. Dude.

- Chewy, come on.
- [BARKING]

- ♪ I'm talkin' 'bout barbecue ♪
- [SCOFFS]

- [WHISTLING]
- ♪ Only thing I sell ♪

Huh.

Jesus.

[GROANS]

[GROANING]

[CLINKING]

- [SOFT CHUCKLE] Hi.
- Hi.

Hey, sweetheart. How you feeling?

Good. I'm just, like,
a little bit tired. I...

Yeah.

You're the best.

You okay?

Yeah, I-I just...

I didn't think that I would
be feeling all of these...

f-feelings.

Yeah. Feelings are good.

Honey, I'd be worried
if you didn't have them.

So when are you gonna tell your mom?

No, she-she doesn't
like knowing too much.

And this falls directly
into that category.

You got to give her some credit.

I know.

This is kind of a big thing
for me to keep from her.

We tell each other everything.

I need a little bit of
time to figure it out.

It's just a few weeks.

Well, don't take too long.

These things have a shelf life.

Heads up:

my dad's here.

- Uh...
- [SPUTTERS]

what?

Dad.

Oh, hey, Rich.

Hi. Xander.

What's... good?

I was just dropping Duke off.

You know, we spent the week together.

Had an epic vacation.

And the girls were hungry.

- Mm.
- So I made 'em some shrimp.

You want some?

Where's Sam?

I don't, uh...

[CHUCKLES] I don't...

You think she'd mind my
being here in her kitchen?

Oh, for sure.

But she'll get over it.

- Right.
- [MAX AND RICH CHUCKLE SOFTLY]

It's nice to see you.

Yes.

I'm...

gonna go get a vase for those.

Yeah. Flowers for Max.

What's the special occasion?

Does there need to be one?

Yeah, he just does stuff
like that for me all the time.

That's nice.

Eh.

- But you like your room.
- Okay, well, I'm older

and Max's room is bigger, so...

If you let me, you can use my
old room as your private studio.

Where you need permission to enter.

Fine. Deal?

f*ck.

Hello.

What are you doing here?

Well, I've been texting
and you didn't respond.

I came over.

Well, I turned my phone off.
What's wrong?

I've been infiltrated, the
perimeter has been breached.

Voldemort is in the castle.

Okay, just... Um... You know,

- I'm a... I'm... You're...
- He's cooking

his f*cking delicious
camarones borrachos

or whatever the f*ck it's called,

and it's probably got grease
splatter all over my kitchen

like frat boys
jizzed on the counters.

- Sam.
- I hate it.

I thought we were over this, right?

Yes, but it still gives me shpilkes.

Excuse me. Can I come in?

Um, now is not a good time.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, are we entertaining
a gentleman caller?

Excuse me. What's the
name of this interloper?

Just let me come in
for one sec and say hi.

Hi. [CHUCKLES]

[LAUGHS]

Oh, my God.

What?!

Ho, ho!

Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Wow.

You can really dance.

- Yes.
- Thank you.

Oh...

Those aren't school pants.

[LAUGHS]

- Okay.
- JEFF: Yep. Yep, yep.

Mom and Dad were doing it.

SUNNY: Thanks. Love you, bye.

SAM: Love you, mean it.

Yes! I just got to go process

- what I just saw.
- Bye.

SAM: Okay.

That's fantastic.

[SAM LAUGHS IN DISTANCE]

Have fun, there.

Think it went well.

SAM: Good for you guys.

- SUNNY: Hi.
- Hi.

[LAUGHS]

♪ Honey, I love you ♪

♪ Honey, I love you ♪

♪ I can't put nobody else ♪

♪ Above you ♪

♪ Honey, I love you. ♪

[CHEWY BARKING]

Hello. [CHUCKLES]

Is the coast clear?

Is there a horse head in my bed?

- Hi.
- Hello.

- Hi, Mom.
- Stinkbug!

- Missed my stinkbug.
- I missed you, I missed you.

I missed you so much.

Oh, baby, I missed you so much, too. Mm.

- How was it?
- It was... Yeah, it was good.

- SAM: Yeah?
- She is taller than you now.

Oh, my God, if one more
f*cking person says that.

Okay? We know.

- Hi.
- SAM: What is this...

Mm, my baby's here.

- Mm.
- SAM: Wow.

And you were here and
you were here and...

Any opportunity to
hang with my bro Xander.

Yeah.

Yeah, so you guys... [CLEARS THROAT]

had a nice visit?

Um...

Hmm? What?

RICH: Uh...

What? What is it? Just tell me.

[SHORT CHUCKLE]

What'd he... what'd he do to my kitchen?

Did he make a mess?

- No.
- Yes.

- Yes.
- Yeah.

He says to say hi.

Oh. Oh. Hi.

Hi.

- What are you doing home?
- [CHUCKLES]

MAX: I just wanted to see you.

- SAM: You did?
- Yeah.

And I'm still looking for an apartment.

SAM: Oh, what...

Oh, were your baseball
cards in a special order?

Uh, yeah.

Mom, I know they were.

I put them in a box in the
exact order you had them in.

I have a whole system.

Okay, great. [CLEARS THROAT]

So when you get done with your system...

get rid of 'em.

- Toss 'em.
- Wh...

Whoa. Who cleaned up?

You cleaned up?

No. Dad did.

Oh.

Oh, wow. You could eat off the counter.

Mm-hmm.

- Thank you. Schnapps.
- Schnapps.

Thank you.

He made you a plate.

Oh, he m-m...

That's pretty nice.

So, how was your thing?

It was, uh... [CLEARS THROAT]

It was cute. The kids were funny.

Sweetie pies.

I don't think I made any
impact on their lives.

MAX: No, Mom, I'm sure they loved you.

You've always been good
at that kind of thing.

Did you do voices?

I may have done a couple of voices.

What did you do today?

Uh, y... Not much, just...

Oh, g*dd*mn it!

Mmm! Mmm!

He always made this so good.

Mom, my dad got you a present.

- Come on.
- What?

My dad got you a present. Let's go.

- No. I don't...
- Yes, let's go.

- Well, uh... [STAMMERS]
- Come on. Come on.

[GLASS CLINKS]

Why is it upstairs?

Just-just come on, come on.

Was he up here?

- Whoa! Whoa.
- What?

- Whoa, whoa. No.
- Why are you...

What is that?

It's a ward, all right?

Dad got it in Sedona.

He thought it would, I
don't know, protect us.

Um, okay. Well, then, you take it.

I do not want that.

No, I don't mess with enchanted objects.

Uh, ooh.

That's a lot. There's, like...

Like, I don't even want to touch this.

Like, there's a weird...

there's a heavy, bad... like,
an energy coming off of it.

Am I right? Do you feel that?

I don't-I don't know, Mom. I
don't-I don't feel anything.

Oh, I'm...

Thank you.

Okay, Xander.

"¿Quiubo?

"My name is Sparrow.
Place wreaths of marigold

"or malachite beads around me.

"At night, I like to hear
music of my home country.

"If you ever get drained
or need grounding,

"I will be here.

"But don't move me much.

I have to stay right here."

Okay, Yorick.

Um...

- I hate it.
- No, no.

- No, it's a no. Yeah.
- I hate it. I don't want to touch it.

- Yeah. No.
- I don't want it here.

I feel like I...
You got to get rid of it.

- True. I'll take care of it.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

"But don't move me much.

I have to stay right here."

Are you really gonna f*cking
keep this thing here forever?

- No, no, no.
- Okay. Okay.

- No.
- Agreed.

- Okay. So turn around.
- Yes.

- Close your eyes.
- Okay.

- Yes.
- Close your eyes.

- Yes.
- Now count backwards from ten.

One, two, three...

That's forwards. Ten...

Ten, nine, eight,

- seven...
- [DOOR CLOSES]

Honey? You left the...

Honey!

Wait. Where are you gonna take it?

Don't put it in your car.

Wait for me!