04x13 - Reach Out and Touch

[bunniefuu]

And tell me

When will our eyes meet

When can I touch you

What's the matter?

- I, he...
- What?

- I was hallucinating.
- What? You saw Larry?

No.

- Al Green?
- No.

- Gloria Gaynor?
- No.

Then who? Who'd you see?

Barry Manilow.

Call 911.

VONDA SINGS:
I've been down this road

Reach Out and Touch

Walking the line
That's painted by pride

And I have made mistakes in my life

That I just can 't hide

Oh, I believe I am ready

For what love has to bring

I got myself together

Yeah, now I'm ready to sing

I've been searching my soul tonight

I know there's so much more to life

Now I know I can shine a light

To find my way back home

Oh, baby, yeah

Oh, yeah

The good news is we're making money.
The bad news is I can't get enough.

John and I hired a new associate.
Rainmaker. Big portables.

I'd like to introduce you to him now,
but he's late.

Who is this person?

Nobody has to feel threatened.

I love you all. Nobody's job is in
peril as we speak...

...at ten past nine.

Nelle, you didn't complain
when you came in as rainmaker.

Light drizzle that you
turned out to be.

- Move along.
- Yes. Next up...

...on a more personal note.

This one'll never sell

They'll never understand

Oh, sorry.

Tickle.

You're not gonna get weird again,
now that Larry's gone?

Ling, I never stopped being weird.

RICHARD:
I was just gonna extend our support...

...in your time of newfound loneliness.

- And we're all here for you.
ALLY: Yeah.

And I'm gonna find someplace else
to be weird.

I beg your pardon.

I'm Jackson Duper.
Today is my first day at work here.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Welcome.
- Thank you.

Everybody is in there
waiting for you.

Right. Could you point me to
the facilities? I need to...

- It's that way.
- Thank you.

Elaine?

Elaine?

Excuse me. I'm looking for
Mr. John Cage.

John Cage?

He's right over there.

Mr. Cage?

- Yes?
- I have a delivery for you.

- It's from Melanie West.
- Oh, thank you.

Say, I'm spoken for.

So am I.

Happy Valentine's Day.

MAN:
All right!

Say, could you just
excuse me for one minute?

- Hey.
- Hey.

It's tough, huh?

Yeah. Well, I suppose Valentine's Day
doesn't make it any easier.

Did you hear from him yet today?

Yeah, we talked this morning
and will again tonight.

You know, I'm fine. Long-distance
relationships have been known to work.

Absolutely.

Anyway, I have to concentrate on this
annulment case, which I'm late for.

You know, John,
could you do it for me?

Doesn't it start today?

Yes. But truthfully, I don't think
I'm going to be able to handle...

...a case about a broken relationship
right now. So I...

I'm in depositions
on the Burke matter.

- You don't think you can do it?
- Well, I don't.

I'm sort of...

I'm hallucinating a little.

RICHARD:
Hallucinating how?

That's not important.

You're asking for another lawyer
on the trial day.

- Ling's been second-chairing.
- I'm not ready!

ALLY:
Oh, look. I have never ever once...

...asked for myself to be
removed from a case before...

...but I'm a little fragile.

What kind of hallucinations?

It's been Barry Manilow.

You're off the case.

I'll need backup.
This is a tricky one.

RICHARD:
I'll put Jackson Duper on it.

Ally, can you bring him up to speed?

Yes, yes, of course. And I...

...completely apologize.

Well, yeah.

- I love Barry Manilow.
- You do?

He's written 100 songs. Stars today
are lucky if they write two.

Well, Melanie, he's hardly
what I would call "hip."

Poop. Ruff!

Neither am I. But I love him.

Why are you looking at me that way?

Because, well, I love him too.

- Don't make fun of me.
- I'm not.

- Poop.
- And stop calling me "poop."

I didn't mean to.

Cover your mouth. You cover it
to cough, you can do so for a "poop."

Poop!

- Do you really like Barry Manilow?
- I do.

For my sexual persona,
I've always gone to Barry White.

But for my solitude,
it's always been Barry Manilow.

I think I'm ready to share
something big with you.

What?

I assure you, Ling can do this.

- With Jackson's backup...
- Today's the trial.

The up-to-speed thing should begin.
What's the trial about?

I married a nymphomaniac.

We're annulling the marriage
and suing the minister.

Joint complaints.

Why sue the minister?

Because my wife was having an affair
with him when he married us.

Your wife was sleeping with
the minister?

All right, we'd better get go...

- What are you doing here?
- I work here.

- You're Jackson Duper?
- What's going on?

Excuse me.

Hey, Ling.

So, Jackson Duper, you don't tell
your real name?

For all I knew, you could...

- You knew me enough to sleep with me.
- Look...

- Why the alias? You "wanted"?
- No.

- Not by me.
- Excellent. Can I talk?

Fine. Quick, think up something.

- Look...
- Back to "look."

- Hey...
- Back to "hey."

- Ling?
- How'd you know my real name?

Oh, that's right. I gave it to you.
What an odd thing to do.

What's the big secret, John?

It's big.

Nobody.

Nobody...

...has ever.

When you showed me your apartment
a few weeks ago?

I almost showed you then.
But even then, I...

You must promise
never, ever to tell anybody.

My lips are... Poop!
Whatever.

I've seen your toilet, John.

Shh...

MELANIE:
Oh.

Oh.

What is this?

Well, I call it my
"hole in the wall."

It's...

...where I come for solitude.

It's my secret hideaway.

Imagine my surprise
when I saw your home.

I always thought it was
a bit of a miracle...

...to find a beautiful woman...

...one who has Tourette's,
likes small places.

But one who also loves Barry Manilow.

- Melanie?
- Yeah?

Will you marry me?

Hello?

- Are you serious?
- Yes, I'm serious.

Don't tell me I'll have to wrestle
your father again to get your hand.

RICHARD:
Hello?

Anybody here?

Richard?

I keep hearing noises. I hope we
don't have rats in the walls.

[MELANIE SQUEALS]

That sounded like a dog.

Even now

- What?
- He's...

He's in there.

B.M.?
Ally, you have to confront him.

The way to fight hallucinations
is to take them on.

That's what Tracy used to tell me.

Take his head off.
It's the only way to deal with ghosts.

It was watching our wedding videos
that I saw it.

Saw what, sir?

That the woman purporting
to be my wife had a problem.

I'd like to now play the video
with enhancements.

We pick it up when
the ceremony finished.

Pay close attention to
the bride and Rev. Compton.

Okay. I'm gonna blow it up
even more now.

Watch the mouths.

WOMAN:
My goodness!

What happened after you saw this,
Mr. Hooper?

I confronted Marsha about it.

She admitted that she and the minister
had been having a horrid affair.

- I said "torrid."
- Mrs. Hooper.

Mr. Hooper, you seek an annulment
saying that you were never married.

Yes. It was all a fraud.

Yes. Well, I'm not clear how
you can then be suing my client...

...Rev. Compton, for interfering
in a marriage...

...if you claim it never existed.

Maybe there would've been
if he hadn't...

...inserted his wet, Episcopalian
tongue into the bride's mouth.

I'm not comfortable with the response.
I'll object.

Overruled.

MILTER: Granted, it wasn't right
for Rev. Compton...

...to buss your wife,
but how does...?

Buss? You call that a buss?

MILTER: Your Honor...
- He practically bussed her tonsils!

I'm not comfortable
with that response.

When you confronted my client,
she said she had a disease...

...didn't she, Mr. Hooper?
- Yeah.

An infidelity disease.
Let's throw her a fundraiser.

ATTORNEY:
Just answer my question.

She said she was a nymphomaniac,
did she not?

So what? I was there.

I betrothed my penis to her, till
death or impotence do us part.

My client is a minister. I'm not
comfortable with the vulgarity.

Mr. Milter, sit down.

You still haven't given me
an answer, Melanie.

You can't propose inside the wall of a
bathroom and expect a quick answer.

So you need time to think about...?

Come on.

I still can't believe it.

I don't know what to say.
Trust me.

- What?
- He thinks the case isn't real.

I'm on this because the lead attorney
is hallucinating Barry Manilow.

The minister's French-kissing
the bride, who's a nymph.

All the while there's
a wacky lawyer...

...who keeps saying how he's
"not comfortable."

Now I'm beginning to wonder if...

It's not that I don't want to marry
you, per se. That's not it.

Then what is it?

I'm not... I just...

The idea of being institutionalized
is a little repugnant to me.

Even if the institution is marriage.

- What are you talking about?
- I don't believe in marriage.

- You don't believe in marriage?
- No.

The custom is silly.

Then, okay, well, would you
mind telling me why?

I just don't think that love is
something you contract.

Well...

You've just gone from wanting me
forever to not wanting me at all?

- I'm just surprised.
- Well, I love you, John.

It's not that.

Fudge.

Okay. Well, okay.

So, what else? Oh, how's Sam?

LARRY:
He's doing great.

- Oh, will you send him my love?
- Sure.

- Right. How's Jamie?
- Oh, fine.

Aw.

Will you send her the measles?

No, don't send her the measles.
You'd have to get too close.

Ally.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I'm really tired.

- Yeah, me too.
- Yeah?

Oh, thanks for the flowers.

- You like them?
- They're cute.

Well, good.

- I love you.
- I love you.

[SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]

- Bye.
- Bye.

Those dreams of yours
Are shining on distant shores

And if they're calling you away

I have no right to make you stay

Look. If you've got some
scorn thing going on here...

Don't flatter yourself.
I have more scorn over a pimple.

- You must have one now, because...
- Tiny: The size of your integrity.

That's funny.

What's going on?

Nothing.

I'm just gonna put it
on out here, okay?

Ling and I got Biblical one
evening after we met in a bar.

Biblical? You prayed together?

- Lf by "pray", you mean on your knees...
- Hey!

- You had sex?
- Yes.

Oh.

- Jackson Duper, meet Richard Fish.
- Yeah, I met Richard.

My boyfriend.

Oh. Hey!

Let's calm down,
and think things through...

Don't tell me to think.
If I think, I feel pain.

Why distract myself from thinking
about it, if it brings me more pain?

You think, feel. Think, feel.
Balls!

Then let's just talk about it.

Talk about what? If I talk, I think,
which brings me back to feeling!

Talk, think, feel, pain, balls!

Then I'll talk about it!

You are gonna listen.
She didn't reject you.

I'm talking and you'll listen.
And don't give me any of this...

..."think, talk, feel, pain, balls"
thing.

- She's afraid of marriage, who isn't?
- People.

- Quiet.
- Poop!

"Poop"?

That's what she does to me
at the last minute.

Blames it on the Tourette's,
but she does it to rattle me.

All right! No more interruptions!
Are we clear? I am speaking.

Now, she loves you.
She has doubts about marriage.

If you talk to her,
you cannot be defensive.

When you get defensive, you att*ck.

When you att*ck, she won't feel
entitled to her feelings.

If that happens, you don't...

When you talk about it, you have
to remind yourself...

...over and over again that
she loves you.

RICHARD:
She slept with him.

What? Who?

What "who"? The new who. Jackson
Super Duper. She slept with him.

- Melanie did?
- Ling!

They met in a bar years ago.
She went to his place and concubined.

I want to b*at him up. Take him
by the throat and pound him.

Who are you trying to kid?
You couldn't even take Ling.

Stop it! Stop it! Richard!
Richard, stop it.

You listen, Richard. Richard!

Melanie loves you and you
should be grateful.

And Ling loves you. Of course
she's slept with people before.

What you two are feeling
is vulnerable.

When you feel this way, the
thing to do is communicate!

Okay? You to Melanie, you to Ling.
And you two shake hands...

...to make up for that shove too.

- Sorry, John.
- Me too.

- This is just...
- Excuse me.

- Richard in there?
- Not a good time. What is it?

- This new guy. I don't like him.
- Why?

Well, to be honest, it's Elaine.

She hasn't stopped sweating
since he got here.

Are we exaggerating a little?

I don't know, Ally.
Why don't you tell me?

It was under duress.

- Duress?
- Yes.

Though I'm committed to God...

...he created me as a man,
with man's urges.

Reverend, why don't you
just tell us what happened?

Well, Marsha and I were planning
the wedding in my office...

...going over the ceremonial options
and what for.

And suddenly, I look up from
my desk and there's this areola.

- Areola?
- The part of the breast surrounding...

I know the term.
How did this areola come...?

She just opened her blouse,
took off her bra...

...and wham! Plopped it right down.

- And what happened next?
- I'm not proud of what happened next.

Just tell us what happened...

...after Mrs. Hooper
unveiled her breast to you.

I licked it.

Why did you do that?

As I said, I have urges, like any man.

But unlike any man,
I had never had access.

Truthfully, the only breasts I'd ever
seen were in National Geographics.

And they were the saggy variety.
But this one was so alive.

And right before my eyes.

Okay, you're planning the wedding.

The bride's breast falls
in front of you...

...and you lick it?
What type of a minister are you?

I'm not comfortable...

JACKSON: You keep saying
you're not comfortable.

I have a lawyer who
can't find comfort.

A nipple-licking minister...

...talking about saggy breasts
in National Geographic.

Your Honor, this is wack. And we
haven't even gotten to the nymph yet.

- Mr. Duper...
- Your defense is duress?

What, you just had to lick it?

- Objection.
- Sustained.

- What were you thinking?
- That's enough.

- God made man weak, Mr. Duper.
- God made man weak?

Don't you have rules?

Isn't it written in some
minister's handbook:

"Thou shalt not lick
the bride's left nipple"?

Mr. Duper!

- Barry Manilow?
- Yeah.

- You just see him?
- Singing to me ever since Larry left.

Richard says that I should
confront him.

He's right. Friends with a haunted
house went to a ghost specialist.

They were told to confront the ghost.

- Aggressively.
ALLY: Really?

Ghosts are like men.
Unless you're vicious, they haunt you.

Ally? Larry's on two.

Good. Tell him I'll be right there.

John?

May I speak with you?

Upright?

Wow. You know, I do gymnastics too.

- You do?
- Yet another thing we have in...

Richard, could you excuse us?

I would, but I can't get down.

[YELPS]

Funny.

Look, I met somebody who tics
and stutters...

...and likes gymnastics
and small tiny spaces.

- And Barry Manilow.
- But?

But the longer people are together,
the more they see their differences.

The differences
outnumber what's in common.

Since the common things have
been celebrated...

...it's the differences that...

The most alone people I know are
married. Some happily.

I don't even know how
to respond to that.

Other than to say, how ridiculous.

Given the complex nature of the
human being, the human psyche...

...a person could spend a lifetime
discovering who he himself is...

...let alone who others are.

Given the capacity for change,
for love, to grow, to nurture change.

Given how every equation of love is
compounded when two people unite.

I mean, the idea that discovery,
commonalities or differences...

...could be finite... I find that
utterly devoid of logic...

...not to mention hope.

Wow. That's a lot from somebody who
didn't know how to respond.

Melanie, we're at the beginning...

...and the only thing you can feel
is that all things must end.

- That's not what I'm saying.
- Oh, it is.

- Poop...
- Poop, yourself!

If you want to turn me down, do it.
Condemn the institution of marriage.

But please, for your own sake...

...don't reject the idea
that somehow, someplace...

...two people can make it work
and be happy in the process.

I've just never seen it.

Sorry, Richard.

I don't want to talk about it.

Hi. Nelle Porter. We haven't met.

Jackson Duper.
You're in the men's bathroom.

- It's a unisex.
- It's a what?

We all go together here.

[TOILET FLUSHES]

I like a fresh bowl.

Hello, again.

Sorry.

I wasn't really in control.

I get this urge for gratification,
and it overwhelms me.

I was shocked when he started licking.

My question is, did this affliction
prevent you from loving Mr. Hooper?

MARSHA: Absolutely not.
This was not fraud.

When I walked down that aisle,
I loved him.

I intended to spend my life with him.

- As I would still like to do.
- Thank you, Mrs. Hooper.

As you planned to marry my client,
as you shared the mutual intent...

...to spend the rest of your life
with him...

...did it occur to you to say:

"By the way, I'm a nymphomaniac"?

- Perhaps in hindsight.
- And this isn't fraud?

I was afraid if he knew,
he wouldn't marry me.

- What made you think that?
- Objection.

How could you not tell him?
You have a medical problem.

I was afraid he would judge me.

Perhaps he'd approve. Did that
occur to you? Rev. Compton did.

- I'm not comfortable...
JACKSON: You're here because...

...you want alimony.
You haven't the integrity...

...to walk away. You've destroyed
him, now you want his money?

Can you diagnose your indecency?

This is badgering now.
It must stop.

Well, your client was quite
the little badger, now wasn't he?

- I'm again not comfortable.
- All right, Mr. Duper.

Yes, I was unfaithful. Infidelity
does not annul a marriage, Mr. Duper.

Infidelity? Your marriage lasted
three years, ma'am.

- You were unfaithful 106 times.
- It's a sickness!

MELANIE:
John?

John, I know you're in there.
Let me in.

Let me in before somebody else
comes in.

Do you still want to get married?

I don't want to be engaged if you
can't conceive of happily ever after.

I'm willing to work on it.

If ever there was a man...

That's not enough.
You have to believe.

Well, I said I'm willing
to work on it.

Hey.

I never believed that I would
find somebody to love for a year...

...much less a whole...

Can we continue our courtship?

I have a surprise for you.

- What?
- I can't give it to you in here.

John.

I love you.

I'm willing to compound that
equation with nurturing infinites...

Or, you know, all that stuff
that you said.

Did I mention that I love you?

I'm embarrassed to have pulled
you from your busy lives.

This here is ridiculous.

We have a nymphomaniac who's holding
out for alimony after sleeping with...

- How many?
- A hundred and six.

A reverend, who claims he
slept with the nymph under duress.

Which reverend is being
sued by the wounded husband.

This is silly. And I'm sorry
for taking up your time.

And I won't take up any more, except
to say that you know what you know.

There never was a marriage here.
My client never knew he was saying...

..."I do" to a compulsive sexaholic.

There was no meeting of the minds.
Just annul it and let that be that.

ATTORNEY:
Why isn't there a marriage?

They took vows: "for better or worse."

Granted, nymphomania would be "worse."

But that is what
a marital union is about.

Accepting your spouse for strengths,
as well as flaws.

Since she is a nymphomaniac, and all
sides are agreeing that she is...

...how can the reverend be responsible
for breaking up this union?

It was going to end anyway.

I do not defend my client's tongue-
insertion into the bride's mouth...

...nor am I condoning the
extracurricular activity with the...

- with the breast
in the planning stages.

But the reverend didn't cause anything
that wasn't destined to break apart.

And if it's meant to break apart, it
probably has nothing to do with Duper.

Oh, you can't know that.

What is it that you
love the most about her?

You know, there's so many things.

No, but what do you love the most?

Well, I guess it would have to be
her soft, smooth skin.

Deep down, what do you
love about her?

Deep down? Her hair.

Do you have a sense of what Ling
most loves about you?

I hope it's, you know, my money.

Yeah. Well, that seems like a pretty
tough bond for Jackson Duper to cr*ck.

Soft skin, hair...

...and money.

Ally. Ally.

We should be taking care of
you, with Larry gone...

...yet you're taking care of us.

Larry is not gone.

He's in Detroit.

JUROR: "Hooper versus Hooper,
count one:

We, the jury, find that the
marriage shall be dissolved.

Count two, Hooper versus Compton:

We find in favor of the defendant."

Ladies and gentlemen,
this concludes your service.

Thank you. We're adjourned.

Well, one out of two.

I wanted to nail that minister.

- Your former wife did that.
- It's a good result, Clayton.

Yeah. Yeah, it is. Thank you.

Thank you both.

Uh, Ling.

Considering the circumstances, maybe
I shouldn't work at Cage and Fish.

It won't bother me, Jackson. Really.

Okay. But you are with
Richard Fish, right?

Yes. I am.

Okay. Cool. I'll respect that.

Thank you. Did you come
to work here because of me?

I don't remember.

But, Ling?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for...

Yeah, well. To your first victory
at Cage and Fish.

And my first defeat.

- What's going on?
- It's thrilling! Sit down!

- Why's the stage dark?
- It's coming.

What are you up to?

- Do you know?
- I don't.

Wouldn 't believe where I've been

Surprise!

- To Denver and every town

How did you...?

- Ling helped me.
- I can do anything.

I got Barry White.

Let's dance.

Come on, Richard.

It's a miracle
A true blue spectacle

A miracle come true

Till the miracle came true

Now you're here...

- Now, this has gone far enough.
- Ally.

- Dancin ' in the street
- Ally.

I'm gonna knock him out.

Oops.

Are you for real?

Are you? Lady, you want the mike
that badly, ask for it. Here.

Come on, let's go.
One, two, three, go!

Come on, show us what you got!
They're waiting!

I really don't want to sing.
No, I don't.

Really, no. I can't.

I almost forgot what it's like

Holding you near me at night

You know that I'm home to stay

- 'Cause it's a miracle
- Miracle

A true blue spectacle
A miracle come true

Baby, I was goin ' crazy

Till the miracle came true

There'll be dancin ' in the street

Everybody's gonna be dancin '
Dancin '

Dancin ' in the street

- I thought he was a ghost.
LARRY: A ghost?

Yes, a ghost.
So I went up to the bar...

...and the next thing I know I'm
singing with Barry Manilow.

Really?
I wish I could have been there.

I wish you could've been there too.

- Did he hit on you?
- No, he did not hit on me.

He was a gentleman, considering
he could've had me arrested.

Okay, I love you.

I do.

- Night.
- Night.

- Bye.
- Bye.

What'd he say?

You know, he couldn't believe it.

He laughed. You know, it's...

...funny.

Is it harder than you thought?

Oh, yeah.

- Well...
- I've got you.

That's all I need.
Thank you.

I'd rather be with Jackson Duper.

You bide your time, Renee.

Going to bed.