01x10 - Profile

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat music]

So as most of you know,

the news show "Contour"
will be in the offices today

sh**ting a segment about Katherine.

It's officially about Katherine,

but it's actually about all of us.

It's focused specifically on Katherine.

Yes, it's ostensibly about Katherine.

That's what I just said.

At any rate, let's all just
be professional and positive.

Do not do or say anything

that you would not want to see
on national television, okay?

Remember, reporters are snakes.

If you give them an opening,
they will slither in and pounce

and bite you with poison
until you're dead.

I thought this was supposed to be

just, like, a puff
piece about Katherine.

- About both of us.
- Oh, Jack.

That's how they get you.
They promise you a puff piece.

"Oh, this'll just be a lovely profile."

And then it's gotcha question,
gotcha question,

gotcha question.

We have let the fox

into the henhouse, okay,
and the vultures are circling.

You have way too many animal
metaphors happening right now.

That's fair. Yes, I was gonna mention

the frog and the scorpion,
but I backed out of it.

So if Katherine looks bad,

do we really think that the board

is gonna fire her and
hire that astronaut?

Charlie Altman? Yeah.

They've already been
talking to him. Why?

Just pointing out that our
CEO who doesn't know cars

and can't even drive might be
replaced by a former astronaut

who's passionate about technology

and literally been to the moon.

Just so we all know
what's at stake here.

That is not gonna happen.

This is just a positive profile piece.

They literally k*lled the
Princess of Wales, okay?

They m*rder*d her, understand?

And if they could do that to her,

then what are they gonna do to this guy?

Nothing good.

♪ Bom bom bom-bom-bom-bom-bom ♪

♪ Buh buh bom-bom-bom
buh bom-bom-bom-bom ♪

[knock at door]

- How's it going?
- Great.

She's like a engineering textbook.

Well, I've been studying all morning.

I am not about to let
the board replace me

with some space jockey.

At least not before
my stock options vest

in two years and eight months.

Really tracking that.

Look, the most important thing today

is conveying passion.

That's what'll make people love you

and the board want to keep you.

You don't need to know the specs

on a Payne Chimera.

You just need to show people
that this is where you shine.

So I shouldn't mention
that the ' Chimera

was the fastest in its class
and had over horsepower?

Ooh.

Someone's been doing her homework.

Don't look so shocked.

It kind of activates your worry lines.

What are you... oh my God.

And if you get in a jam,

you can always bring up the woman thing.

Yes, you're the first
female CEO of Payne.

Oh, God, no,
the woman thing is so played out.

The glass ceiling, I heart Hillary,

what if the Ghostbusters
were all ladies?

You know, the revolution's over.

Why do we have to keep
waving around our vaginas?

I wouldn't want you expressing

that particular opinion on camera today.

You know, these are getting really bad.

You should have somebody look at them,

for this and maybe this.

[energetic music]

- Alan Strom. Wesley Payne.
- Oh, yes. Hi.

Just want to say no hard feelings

for what's to come.

I know how this goes.

How what goes?

You come for me, I strike back,

you counter, and so on.

It's how the dance is... danced.

But if you come for the king,
you best not miss.

We're an interview. That's a rap battle.

[chuckles] Okay, well, the day is young.

So these are the talking
points you might want to hit.

Feel free to ask her about
this charity work right there.

Also, I'm gonna nix her
taking you for a drive.

Feels a little first-thought.

It's a car company.

You don't want to show
the CEO driving a car?

It's a cliché, isn't it?

Also, can you tell your
sound guy that sometimes,

her voice can go high,
and I just don't want

the audio to peak and
for her to sound shrill?

Got it. I will convey that immediately.

- Thanks.
- You okay?

- Mm-hmm.
- You seem a little...

I don't know if bonkers
is the most helpful term.

Ouch. Yeah, I'm a little stressed.

- Mm-hmm.
- Normally I am the filter

between the company and the press,

and today, we're all just out there.

Just raw-dogging it.

- Raw-dogging it.
- It's an industry term.

Well, you know,
you don't gotta worry about that.

I think we can all handle it ourselves.

Yeah, I'm not really worried about you.

It's some others.

Uh-oh, looks like it's
Matthew McConaughey calling.

See? Look at that.

Matty!

All right, all right, all right.

[laughing] He's laughing.

So are you guys... Are gonna cue me,

or should I just walk out or...

- Whenever you're ready.
- I'm sorry?

- Whenever you're ready.
- Ah, okay. Got it. Got it.

Hi, I'm Ka... you know, I'm just
gonna... just give it one more.

I'm just gonna... here. Just... sorry.

Sure. Yeah. Great.

[clears throat]

Alan, welcome to Payne Motors.

Katherine,
thank you so much for inviting us.

Today, I'm gonna give
you guys a little peek

behind the scenes, as it were,
of what makes Payne tick.

- That would be great.
- Yeah, it's wonderful.

This is the nerve center of operations.

It's really where it all happens.

It's a great group of people.
Diverse, of course.

That's always been a
priority for me personally.

And honestly, it's
really more of a family

than a bunch of employees, I would say.

Very nice.

Could you introduce us to a few of them?

Yeah. Specifically, you mean?

- Ideally.
- Sure. Sure. Sure.

Where to begin? Hi. Hi there.

Hi, guys. How are we today?

Yeah, that's, um...

Yeah, I don't wanna embarrass anybody

by putting them on the spot.

Oh, oh, there's Dori.
Yes. We've got Dori.

Dori. This is my secretary.

Well, my assistant. My assistant.

- Yes.
- Really more of a friend.

- Oh, yes.
- Good friend.

Yes. We are super close.
Just like sisters.

- Yes. Yes.
- Go to church every Sunday.

- We do. Big church friends.
- Wow.

- Thank God for that.
- For that, yes.

So that's the bullpen.

And now if you follow me,

I'm gonna let you guys see
just what makes Payne Cars

the best damn cars on the market today.

[both chuckle]

- So should we go or...
- Oh, yes.

I just thought you
might wanna cut there.

Great.

Yeah, let's... Let's
keep it moving here.

Lead the way/

Hi, Dan... I'm gonna go this way.

- It's Joshua.
- Joshua.

So you guys all work with
Katherine day-to-day.

We just want to hear a little
bit about what that's like.

And just to reiterate, I'm also here

to step in if required,

and I'm also recording all of this.

So there won't be any creative editing

from our friends in the fourth estate.

Okay. So who wants to go first?

- I will.
- We can.

I've come to like her, actually.

When she was first made CEO,

people wanted me to take the job,

- and there was all this drama...
- What drama?

Well, you know, there was that hashtag,

#WesNotTheDress.

Totally offensive, but it went viral.

I never saw that.

Well, Twitter shows you different trends

based on your settings...

Katherine is very smart.

And when she first got here,

we were able to solve
lots of big problems.

No. No big problems.

She didn't mean to say "big problems."

No, just issues.

Not issues.

No, we all agree there were no issues.

Yeah, Katherine? Katherine's amazing.

She's friendly, but also a leader

and a real motivator, yeah.

[kissing] That's Jack being a kiss-ass.

- Seriously?
- I'm so sorry.

A kiss-tushy? Can we say tushy?

- You can say kiss-ass.
- See? It's fine.

You can say kiss-ass.

And this is just a
taste of all the details

that go into designing a car.

I mean,
it really is more an art than a science.

And how involved is Katherine personally

in the technical aspects of design?

- Oh, not too...
- I'm extremely involved.

Extremely involved.

Yeah, I'm kind of a
nerd about this stuff.

I mean, not that level, but I just love

all of the components
that go into making a car.

You know, I mean, like,
I love the design of this.

This component. It's just gorgeous.

Cyrus, what is the
technical name for this?

Espresso machine.

Yes, but you were thinking
of repurposing it as...

- As a...
- As a...

- Cappuccino machine?
- Right.

And when my grandmama
was about to pass away,

I was holding one hand,

and Katherine was
holding the other hand,

and she put Katherine hand in mine,

and she said,
"As long as you guys are holding hands,

I'm not really gone."

Wow.

- Thank you for that.
- You're so welcome.

I think we all have stories of ways

that Katherine has inspired
us to varying degrees.

Without Katherine I
wouldn't even be here.

I was just a guy working
on the assembly line,

and she really saw something in me

and gave me an opportunity.

She promoted you all the way

from the factory to the C-suite?

That is Katherine Hastings.

She sees potential in people.

But how did that work?

She's the CEO. You're
on the assembly line.

How did you come across her path?

- What did you say now?
- That's actually off-limits

because there's an NDA, so there's...

- Oh.
- There's... there's...

There's an NDA?

Yes, but not the kind
you're thinking of.

[laughs] It's nothing sexual,

which is what everyone always thinks,
don't they,

when they hear that, NDA.

They're like, "Oh,
who did that guy have sex with?"

In this case, it was no one.

- Well, Sadie.
- Why would you bring that up?

- Oh, come on. Seriously.
- 'Cause it's the truth.

You can't lie to the
press. It's illegal.

That's the FBI, you [bleep]-wit.

You can lie to the press
as much as you want.

To be clear, nobody's lied to you today.

So we won't be recording
sound for this part.

We just want to get some B-roll

of you helping Cyrus with his design.

- Helping?
- Yes, absolutely. Got it.

- Okay.
- Okay. All right.

- Ready?
- Ready when you are.

Okay. Let's see.

This looks like it could be

an interesting
blippity-bloop-bloop and...

- [muttering]
- [humming]

What? Why are you making that face?

What face?

It just looks like you're
confused or something.

So sorry, I didn't
realize I was doing it.

Oh, okay. Great.

So anyway, brippity-boo
and peas and carrots

and chocolate ice cream...

- [groaning]
- And so on and so forth.

And so...

Why are you trying to make me look bad?

I don't know what you're talking about.

[chuckles]

Yeah, if Charlie Altman became CEO,

I wonder who he'd want
as his lead designer.

The man who's been working
with him for the past years

designing all of his
jets and rocket ships

and who's also his brother-in-law,

or the guy who designed
that turd over there.

- [chuckles]
- Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Katherine has a vision.

It's just sometimes, you have no idea

where she's going with something.

And then it's like...

but then you're like, "Okay, yes.

Yeah, I definitely had never,
ever thought of doing that."

My point is that Katherine
didn't have sex with anyone.

There's no MeToo situation here.

Well, she's an executive
and he was a factory worker.

- Does that count?
- No.

No, there's no direct
line of power there.

I mean, there's multiple layers
of authority in between them.

Actually,
realizing that makes it sound worse.

- Why are you here?
- To stop you guys

from talking yourselves into trouble.

Guys, let's not make this into
something it wasn't, okay?

It wasn't like I was coerced.

Exactly. None of us were there.

We don't know how it went down.

For all we know,
he was just as into it as she was.

We were both into it.

Exactly, and no one can prove otherwise,

so I'm on your side.

Anyway, I think you've probably got

everything you need from us.

We're still on the first question.

Good. This can keep going.

You guys, listen, it
was all mutual, okay?

I wasn't pressured. I wasn't coerced.

I was totally into her.
I'm still totally into it.

- I just wanna...
- Both: Ooh.

That's a spicy meatball.

[chuckles]

I think you've achieved perfection.

Well, I'm extremely vain, so...

I just don't want to look too shiny

when you start grilling me.

There will be very little grilling,
I promise.

This should be % stress-free.

What do you got for me,
torque versus horsepower,

or a carburetor versus fuel injection?

We're already above my
pay grade with that.

No, no, I thought we'd
start with something easy.

- Okay, great.
- I want to know,

what does Katherine
Hastings love about cars?

What do I love about cars?

What do you love about cars?

I mean, I guess...
You know, just everything.

- Everything.
- Sure.

But what comes to mind specifically?

I'm curious.

I mean, there...
of specifics, in terms of...

I mean, besides, you know...

the mechanic... You know, mechanicals,

you know, that's...

You know, I mean,
people think that women

don't appreciate cars as much as men,

but, you know,
as the first female CEO of Payne...

And by the way, fewer than %
of Fortune CEOs are women.

- Sure.
- And Hillary was

at the glass ceiling,
but that was now...

It's now the glass floor.

If you want to think about
the Ghostbusters, okay...

Okay, but Katherine...

The Ghostbusters are all women,

and they deserve to be.

Sure, and I do want to get there,

but Katherine,
you're the CEO of a car company.

Can you name a single thing
that you love about cars?

They're cars, you know,
so they're just cars, right?

And they're amazing.

You know, how they just...
They go, you know...

They go when they...
You know, just "nyoom."

Nyoom?

Yeah, you know, just "nyoom."

- Yeah.
- Interesting.

- Mm-hmm.
- Huh.

"Cars go nyoom"?

Mm-hmm.

What does that even mean?

Well, to be fair,
we probably all said things

that we didn't actually mean.

Like me. I was just talking
out of my ass half the time.

Probably wasn't making any sense.

I warned everybody there
would be gotcha questions,

and I hate to say it, but I told you so.

I don't think you do hate to say it.

It wasn't a gotcha question.

They asked me what I love about cars.

It wasn't even a softball question.

It was a giant beach
ball, and I whiffed it.

Let's face it,
I shouldn't be running a car company.

This isn't where I shine.

Now, hold up.

Just 'cause you can't describe
what you like about something

doesn't mean you don't like it.

Like sex.

It's so good,

but there's no words to describe it.

It's, like, orgasmic.

I once saw a Whitney
Houston documentary,

and she said singing was indescribable,

cut to her singing,
and it gave me freaking goose bumps.

You're gonna tell me
Whitney Elizabeth Houston

doesn't shine?

Except they can't cut to me driving,

so it's really not quite the same thing.

Yeah, well, what if they could, though?

They wanted you to take 'em for a drive,

so take them for a drive.

Except I can't drive,
which brings me right back to,

I shouldn't be running a car company.

Well, driving's easy.

It's two pedals and a steering wheel.

Anyone can do it.

That's not crazy, actually.

'Cause you wouldn't be on a highway.

You'd just be on a wide-open test track.

Yeah, if you go slow enough.

I mean, it's not like
you're gonna crash.

So what's the worst that could happen?

Oh, I don't know, I could look

unbelievably stupid on
national television.

Stupider than "Cars go nyoom"?

[percussive music]

So the gas is my right foot?

- Yes.
- And what about the brake?

It's also your right foot.

What the hell's my left foot doing?

It's just sitting there.

Yeah, it's just sitting there.

That's the design? And
you let this slide?

It predated me by a bit.

- This was a mistake.
- It just seems scary.

Once you get moving, it's nothing.

It's like riding a bike.

I don't know how to ride a bike.

- Hey!
- [sighs]

I've never actually
seen her do anything.

Have you?

[exhales] Not really.

So first things first.

Everyone got their seat belt on?

I'm all about the safety.

Always. Seat belts.

I think we're good. I think we're ready.

Great. Great. You're ready.
I'm ready. We're all ready.

So I guess... I guess, yeah, we'll...

Did someone fart?

I think I just rubbed
against the leather seat.

Oh, well, if you need to use
the facilities, we can wait.

Because, you know,
you don't want to hold it in

It could get impacted,
and then where are you?

You know, you're in trouble.

That's where you are.

It was just the seat.

[whispering] Just the seat.

It's just a drive. It'll be fine.

You don't know that.
Bad things happen all the time.

Just look at history. Terrible.

"It's just a drive. It'll be fine."

I bet that's what Dodi said to Diana.

Now, if you're wondering
why the crazy camouflage,

it's because we haven't released

this model to the public yet,

so we're disguising the detail,
so don't take a peek.

I'm sorry, is something wrong?

Wrong?

Is there a reason you
don't want to drive?

- Are you feeling all right?
- Me?

No, I feel fine. No, I'm fine.

If anything, it's Old Farty

that we should be concerned about.

How's your stomach?
Are you good? You good?

- Yeah, I'm good.
- You're good? Okay.

You're good? Okay, great.
So we're all healthy.

We're all healthy. That's good.

So nothing left to do, I gue...

Nothing left to do but... But drive.

Great.

- Oh!
- What?

Oh, God. Uh, sorry. Saw a squirrel.

I did not see a squirrel.

Yeah, no, he was a big [bleep].

- Okay.
- Yeah. Whoo!

No, we're clear. We're all clear.

So we can drive. Guess
we can go. We can go.

Real grandma energy, huh?

Hey, so some of that
stuff in your interview

might have come out a little wrong.

Oh, those things are weird.

Yeah, it was my first interview

and stuff gets out of context.

- It's fake news.
- Yeah, yeah.

♪ Sadie and Jack sitting in a tree ♪

[bleep] [bleep] [bleep] [bleep]...

Thanks, Dori.

Is this the speed you normally drive?

Oh, I just...

I thought I should take it easy,

you know, for the cameras.

Oh, I think it'd be fine

if you picked it up a little.

Oh. All right, sure.

Whoa! Oh, oh!

[laughs nervously] Just sh*t forward.

- Mm-hmm.
- Like a b*llet!

[laughs]

I wonder if us all
standing here watching

is kind of revealing

how terribly we think this might go.

Yes, it is a trifle
conspicuous, isn't it?

I don't want to miss a crash, though.

It's fun, right?

You always get this excited
driving miles an hour?

Oh, yeah, . !

Dirty . [laughs]

God.

I love driving!

That thing flies!

It's like you just touch the pedal,

and you're like a bat out of hell!

- Told you. Cars are fun.
- Fun?

I mean, fun doesn't even come close.

It was, like, orgasmic.

And it was so responsive.

I mean,
it just felt like it was an extension

of my body, you know?

Whose department is that?

That would be mine.

Oh, well, good [bleep] job

'cause I felt like an
armored ballerina out there!

God, I'm buzzing so much, I'm horny.

Do you guys feel horny after you drive?

- Oh, always.
- All right.

I am gonna go finish this profile,

I am gonna go home,

and I'm gonna [bleep] my husband raw.

You guys coming?

Just for the first part, right?

So how often do you walk
the building like this?

Oh, as much as possible.

Yeah, I'm always out here

talking with the
employees, joking around.

Hey, how you doing? Good to see you.

You know, you can't really do this job

sitting up in a tower

like some astronaut from outer space.

- Oh, snap.
- What do you think

would surprise people about your job?

- It's looking good.
- Yeah, looks good. Worked out.

I would just say that
it's not that surprising.

I think there's this image of executives

as these kind of selfish,
conniving villains,

but we're just regular
people doing our best.

Sometimes we make mistakes

and you learn from them and you move on.

By mistakes, do you mean

defective locking pawls, for example?

Um, I'm sorry?

There have been reports of Payne Hydras

rolling out of park due to
defective locking pawls,

even an allegation that
you knew about the defect

- and covered it up.
- Really?

Do you know anything about that?

- Ah, locking... locking Pauls?
- Pawls.

- Did you say Paul?
- Pawl, with a W?

Oh, no, at first, I
thought you were saying

some guy named Paul, and then I'm like,

"What's this Paul guy do
that's supposed to be locking?"

Sorry, just to be clear, you're denying

ever knowing anything about
defective locking pawls?

Well, obviously, I will look into it,

but yes,
this is the first I'm hearing about it.

Okay, Katherine, thank you so much.

I think we've got everything we need.

- Thank you.
- It's my pleasure.

Sure. Thank you. [chuckles]

Does everybody remember how I said,

"Watch out for gotcha questions"?

Yeah, her door is still closed.

She says she's thinking,

but you don't think that she, like...

[croaks] Do you?

No, she loves herself too much.

So what happens now?

I don't know.

I've never been involved
in a massive scandal.

I mean, national
humiliation, prison time?

It's all new to me. [laughs nervously]

I'm the one whose family company

is about to go up in flames.

What am I supposed to do,
just live off my wealth?

[Queen and David Bowie's
"Under Pressure"]

♪

- How's everyone doing?
- Fantastic, thanks.

- How are you?
- I'm good.

Come on, everyone. Off your asses.

We've got work to do.
This is our response plan.

All right, Elliot, I
need a risk assessment.

Where are we vulnerable?

- Okay.
- Sadie, build a response team.

I've got a crisis consultant
I've used in the past.

He's expecting your call.

So you've been through
something like this before?

You don't spend
years in pharmaceuticals

without dealing with a scandal or two.

Jack, I want a list of who knew what,

who they talk to,
and who those people talk to.

- Got it.
- Cyrus, find out,

were the pawls defective, yes or no?

"Maybe"
is no longer a part of your vocabulary.

I've never even heard that word before.

What should I do?

I don't have anything for you.

So just bird's-eye everything, cool.

Look, guys, things are gonna get rough.

And I know you're scared.
I know you feel lost.

But if you follow my lead,
I will get us through it.

You think Whitney Houston is a star?

Just wait. This is where I shine.