02x16 - Future Harper

[bunniefuu]

- This is awesome!
- Is it, Max?

Is this really what you
wanted for your birthday?

If we live, I am so
taking my gift card back.

Guys, paddle faster!

We're not gonna make it.
We're burning up!

I know. Before we see this volcano blow,
turn this lava into snow!

So then it went from lava to snow.
How insane is that?

So, after we got off
the ski slope...

You went into the lodge and drank
hot chocolate with a polar bear.

Did I already tell you this story? Oh,
my goodness, I'm turning into Grandma.

No, I read that exact story
in the new H.J. Darling book,

Charmed and Dangerous:
The Story of the Lost Wand.

- Hm. I don't know those books.
- Everyone knows those books.

How could you not know?
They're about wizards like you guys.

Here's how... I don't read.

Not even menus. She points
at the pictures. - Mm-hmm.

Oh, Alex. That's so sad.
I could teach you.

Like I taught you how to make a bird feeder
out of a pine cone, peanut butter and
raisins.

Yeah, my dad ate that.

I know how to read, Harper.
I just choose not to.

You should read Charmed and Dangerous,
'cause a lot of stuff in the books

seems to happen to you.

Wait. Her stories are
things that happen to us?

How's that possible? You're the
only person I tell them to.

Oh, no. I told a few
stories to my lizard once.

Then he ran away.

Max, you're lizard
didn't run away... - Shh!

He ran away.

OK, hang on. Maybe this
is all a coincidence.

Harper, how many Charmed and
Dangerous books are there? - Seven.

Fine, go get them.
I'll read 'em by morning.

I'll skip flossing to save up time.

"Don't eat corn."

♪ Well you know everything's
gonna be a breeze ♪

♪ And the end will no doubt,
justify the means ♪

♪ You can fix any problem
with the slightest of ease ♪

♪ Yes please ♪

♪ But you might find out
it'll go to your head ♪

♪ When you write a report
on a book you never read ♪

♪ With the snap of your fingers
you can make your bed ♪

♪ That's what I said ♪

♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ When you can get all you
wanted in your wildest dreams ♪

♪ You might run into trouble
if you go to extremes ♪

♪ Because everything
is not what it seems ♪

♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ When you can have what you
want by the simplest of means ♪

♪ Be careful not to mess
with the balance of things ♪

♪ Because everything is not... ♪

♪ What it seems ♪


- Did she steal our stories?
- Wait.

- Did she steal our stories?
- Wait.

She stole our stories!

I knew it.

Our stories are making this
lady rich. - And famous.

And famous! There's a
crazy ten-minute sale,

the kids get stuck in a movie,
the brother turns invisible,

and they pour orange
soda into a genie's lamp.

All right, so we've got our evidence.
Angry mob, assemble!

I figured I'd be the one to make
a living writing wizard stories

based on our adventures.

Except my character's
name would be Serge.

He'd walk with a bejeweled
cane and wear an eye-patch.

What, no British accent?

Why, that's a smashing idea.
Thanks, love!

Hot.

Guys, how do you think she
knows all this stuff about us?

I'll bet this place is bugged.
Everybody talk in code.

Peanuts.

- Nobody knows your code, Max.
- Then we're safe.

We've got to find her
and tell her to stop.

Oh! I know where she lives. An abandoned
Paint Your Dish warehouse in upstate New
York.

Whoa. How do you know she lives in an
abandoned Paint Your Dish warehouse?

I had my mom's private investigator
track her down. - How's the case going?

Everything's fine. Turns out my
dad was just sleeping in the car.

Quick! To the Inter-Wizard People-Porter!
Or, as Dad calls it, the I.P.P.

I pee pee.

What is that?

The I.P.P.

Cut it out, Justin.
My stomach hurts!

This tube will take us
wherever we want to go.

Here, mortal. Put this on.

Thanks for the helmet,
but I can't go.

I'm teaching scrapbooking
to at-risk youths.

At risk of what?
Making a scrapbook? Come on.

I can't. Call me when
you get back. Goodbye!

Not goodbye-goodbye, 'cause I'll
see you when you get back. But...

Goodbye for now. Oh, darn.
I ruined a perfectly good goodbye.

I.P.P. on.

On what?

Peter's Pies... Paint Your
Dish Factory Outlet...

Paint Your Dish Customer
Service... Here we go.

Paint Your Dish Warehouse
comma Abandoned.

This thing is so cool.

Wait! Don't tell our dad. We're not
supposed to use it without permission.

- Tick-a-lock.
- What does that mean?

It means my lips are sealed.
I use it when people tell me a secret,

or there's something I shouldn't
tell... - Tick-a-lock.

Bend your knees, guys.
Bend your knees.

Ow! My ankle.

I'm OK. No, I'm not.

Can we paint a plate
while we're here?

- Max, I twisted my ankle.
- Will you two focus?

We're on a mission to find H.
J. Darling.

OK, Ricky. Good scrapbooking.

Uh, nice use of vinegar to
make the paper look old.

Stay off the streets. Good kid.

Oh, I hope he makes it.

Alex, Max, Justin... I mean,
who are you people?

No, the question is, who are you?

And if the answer is H.J.
Darling, then my new question

is why are you
stealing our stories?

That's an excellent new question.

Um... Look. Why don't we
sit down and talk about it?

Uh... I'll make snacks. - Do you
have sugar cubes drenched in honey?

- "Boy salad?"
- That's what I call it.

OK. Enough with the snacks.
What are you, a wizard?

Or just someone who
likes to wear aquariums?

Or, maybe that fish
on her head was a spy.

I'll see if it knows the spy code.

Peanuts.

Nope. The fish isn't talking.

You're in the middle of one
of your stories right now.

My cornea!

Bread, eggs, milk...

This is the worst
story ever. - Oh...

What is going on? Why are
you writing about our lives?

This broke on it's own.

Look, uh, sit down. I'm gonna make
some snickerdoodles with Red Hots,

- and I'll explain everything.
- Hey...

Harper makes snickerdoodles
with Red Hots.

You're stealing more than just our stories.
You're stealing recipes!

No, wait. Paint-a-plate, scrapbooking,
snickerdoodles with Red Hots...

She's stealing Harper's life, too.

I'm not stealing her life.
I have her life.

I don't mean, like, I've taken it from her,
like she's gone, like it's separate...

She still exists. What I'm
trying to say is... I am Harper.

Oh, I've ruined a perfectly
good dramatic moment!

Oh, my gosh, you are Harper.

But we just left Harper, and you're
an adult. How is that possible?

I'm Harper, from the future.

So...

If you are Harper,
from the future...

How many fingers am I holding up?

Two. - Oh, my gosh,
You are from the future!

Um, OK. Nobody touch anything.

If we do, we could
totally disrupt things

for when we return to our own time.

We're in our own time.
She came back from the future. - Right.

I don't get it.

Guys. She's definitely
Harper from the future.

OK, so you are Harper from the future.
What are you doing here?

Look, I really shouldn't
say a lot about the future,

because it could change
the future. - See?

I just wanted to be
right about something.

Look, if you're from the future, why did
you come back here to write about us?

In the future, everybody knows wizards
exist, so it's not that big a deal.

It's more interesting for people to
read about wizards in this time period.

How come people know about
wizards in the future?

Again, I have to be careful
what I say about the future.

But, wizards got exposed
because someone in this room

has a big, big mouth.
I'm not gonna name names.

Way to go.

She said she wasn't naming names.

But, I know it's me.

Hold on. If you're mortal,
how can you travel back in time?

I cannot stress enough the danger
we're in by even talking about this!

But, I will admit that I had help

from one of the most powerful
wizards of all time. - Me? Me?

Is it me? Did I win
the competition?

I have to put my foot down.
I've said too much already.

As I used to say as a young woman,
tick-a-lock.

OK, but please don't tell
young-Harper about future-Harper.

It'll freak her out and make
her really self-conscious,

and I've always
hated that about me.

It's why I toned down my wardrobe.

Really? 'Cause I've never
seen a hat you have to feed.

Thanks!

Hey, what's wrong
with your eye, weirdo?

I scratched my cornea when I yanked
the paper out of the typewriter.

Uh... I need an eye-flush station.

Eye-flush after I.P.P.

Alex, it's so great to
see you young again.

Are you saying I get old in the future?
This just gets better and better.

You're upset. Did Mason
break up with you already?

Who's Mason? - Oop.
Tick-a-lock. Tick-a-lock.

Do you know what I want to know?
Did I ever give you permission

to use my stories to become
rich and famous? - Well, no.

Then why'd you do it? - The secrets
you told me were so fascinating.

They were secrets.
Secrets are secrets.

That's why they call them secrets,
not books. - OK.

That didn't make sense. - You're Harper.
You know what I'm saying.

Do you want my permission
to use my stories? - Yes.

Well, I'm not gonna give it to you.
I'm outta here. - But...

Waverly Car Wash...

Waverly Dry Cleaning...
Waverly... Oh, geez.

- Alex, what are you doing?
- I am storming outta here.

Waverly Pet Shop... Ha, here it is.

Waverly Sub Station.

Goodbye.

Come on, Max. We better go, too.

Justin, wait.
You've got to convince Alex

to give Harper permission
to write those books

or my friendship with Alex
will be ruined forever.

I've always dreamed of this.
Someone has come from the future

to give me an assignment
in the present day.

I'm a Futurenaut.

Hot.

Alex, I called you ten times last night.
How'd it go with H.J. Darling?

Oh, I think you know how it went.

Or, maybe you don't, but you will.

Then you'll know why I
didn't call you back.

- You're upset with me?
- Oh, so you do know.

No. What did I do? - I can't tell you,
but it's not what you did do.

It's what you will do.
Whatever you think I'm gonna do,

I guess I'm sorry for it. - No, I don't
think you are, or you wouldn't do it.

Ha. - What's up?
Look at the two best friends

having a loud conversation.

What I love about you two is
you would never let anything

get in the way of your friendship.

You know what? If you're gonna be mad at
me and not tell me why you're mad at me,

then I'm gonna be mad at you and
not tell you why I'm mad at you.

Oh, sh**t. I just told you why.
Now I'm mad at both of us!

Aren't you gonna
go after her? - No.

What is up with your sunglasses?

It's filtered light therapy
for my injured eye.

It's a pair of Mom's sunglasses
with a lens knocked out.

Don't tell her.

Look....

You have to go after Harper.

It's my mission from the future.
I'm a Futurenaut.

Futurenaut? You just
made that word up.

How do you know? You don't read.

That's because I have all the words I need.
Including these two...

- Good. Bye.
- No!

Look, my mission, should I
choose to accept it, and I do...

is to get you to give permission
to Harper to write those books.

You can't give permission to someone
you can't trust, and I can't trust her

because she went ahead and wrote
the books without my permission.

Look, I've read the books
and they're really good.

They're not just
about us as wizards.

They're about your
friendship with Harper.

Well, I don't care about our friendship.
I told her secrets.

She betrayed me,
so our friendship's over.

All right. But you're
missing out on the part

where you and Harper are
getting chased by a dinosaur,

and then Harper uses her knitting skills
to repair a rope bridge, and you get away.

Ooh. An adventure
about knitting. Pass.

Fine. Don't read any of the
stories about the great times

you and Harper have in the future.

Alex Russo has a book.

Oh, I can hear you!

Oh, my gosh.
I've turned into Serge!

Remember I said I was going to write
wizard stories based on our adventures?

No.

Well, I did. And I said
I was gonna be Serge

and I was gonna wear an eye-patch
and carry a bejeweled cane.

And, look. I am!

Well, Serge is a liar.

He also said this book would have
dinosaurs and knitting, and it doesn't.

So you gave the book a gander,
eh, gov'ner?

Futurenaut? Gander? Why don't you
make that eye-patch a mouth-patch?

In order to get you to read the book, I had
to lie to you about what was in the book.

Well, fine. And you know what?
You were right. It is a good book.

I didn't realize, now that Harper
knows the secret that I'm a wizard,

there's all these adventures
we're gonna take together.

Max and I are in that book,
too. - Yeah.

I skipped to the parts
with my character, Julia.

The rest was blah, blah, blah...

So, you should give Harper
permission to write the books,

so you two can stay
friends and I can say,

Mission accomplished, chap.

Serge has a catch phrase!
I gotta write that down.

"Mission accomplished, chap."

Really? Because I think Serge's
catch phrase is gonna be...

" Stop hitting me
with me own cane."

I don't want that on my...

"I've done nothing wrong. And the way
you've treated me is unforgivable.

"You're not the only person who
thinks we're not friends anymore.

"There's another person and I think you
know who that person is. But if you don't...

"it's me, Harper.

"Signed, Harper."

How does that sound?

I liked the note you had
when you used the bad words.

Bad words are a crutch.
They lead to tattoos and piercings.

All right.

Now let me ask you something.

Can you tell this is glued?

Oh, they're coming!

I don't want to see Alex.
She's supposed to read the note!

Ah! All my hard work, Harper!

What's the quickest way
out of here? - The I.P.P.

How do you work this thing?

Just spin the dial
and stand under it.

Oh, good job.

Did I hear Harper in here?
I have to talk to her.

Yeah. She left this note.

I'm tired of reading.
Just tell me where she went.

I don't know. Somewhere in the I.
P.P. - Dude!

- Check the dial.
- Fine.

I'll give it a gander.

That is how you use the word.

- She's going to the pyramids.
- Oh, great. I've never been to Vegas.

Bend your knees, bend your knees! -

Yes!

Oh...

Guys, where do you think Harper is?

I don't know.

Let's ask him.

- Excuse me, sir.
- Oh...

The eye-patch and bejeweled cane
tell me you're an adventurer.

Thank you. Ah, someone who gets me.

Have you seen a girl with long hair
and a shirt just like hers? Oh, wait!

That's her.

- Where did she go?
- Odd little girl.

She said something about
pee-pee in the Grand Canyon.

- I.P.P. in the Grand Canyon?
- You, too?

Strange custom. Keep it up and
your natural wonder will be gone.

All right. Come on, let's go.
Thanks, foreign dude.

I'm from here.
You the foreign dude.

Whatever.

Harper! I give you permission!

What? I can't hear you!

I give you permission!

A mission to do what?

This is impossible!

Mission Impossible?
I already saw it!

- Meet me back at the house.
- OK.

Oh, so you hear that?

I'm really sorry I was mean to you.

- Why were you doing that?
- It's complicated.

I just want you to know that I
read a book... - You read a book?

Oh, no wonder you
were so irritable.

No, I actually liked it.

And it got me thinking that,
if you ever want to write stories

about my life and publish them,
I give you permission.

Why would I want to do that? I already
know what I'm gonna do in the future.

I'm gonna run a very successful
paint-a-plate business.

Oh. Paint-a-plate business?
That's a good idea.

But you know what else
you'd be really good at?

Writing stories about
our wizard adventures.

I will need something to do while
myork is in the kiln. - Ah!

See? I even have a great
title for your first story.

- Gander of the Futurenauts.
- Yeah...

I'll think of something.

So, we're not mad at
each other anymore?

No. I just hope that we're gonna
be friends for a really long time.

Alex, is that what you'r afid of?
That we're wouldn't be friends?

Well, I was afraid of that,
but not anymore.

I'm pretty sure we're going
to be friends forever.

You know, you should practice mouthing
words so people can understand them.

I am pretty bad at that.

Oh, my gosh.

That's the greatest hat
I've ever seen! Excuse me...

I just love that hat.
Where can I get one?

- Here, you can have this one.
- I can't take this from you.

Consider it a loan.

Well, how will I
get it back to you?

- Um... I'll get it back to her.
- You know her?

Yeah. She's an old friend of mine.

Oh. Hi, I'm Selena Gomez.

In this episode, my character starts
out not liking reading very much,

but by the end of the episode,
Alex learns how important reading can be.

Reading can save lives.
Like "Exit," in case of a fire.

Or, "Hey, this bottle
has poison in it."

But, probably not that, because they
usually have the skull and cross bones on
it. Anyway...

The point is, I love reading.
And so does my friend,

writer, producer,
actor and director, Rob Reiner.

Oh, hi!

I love reading, too.

Like I should've read the
expiration date on this milk.

Oh, Rob. Yes, he should have.

But, I think you
should love reading, to

Hi, I'm Selena Gomez.
In this episode, my char... Oh, wait.

No, I alady read this. OK.
I'm done. Let's go, Rob.