02x26 - Wizards vs. Vampires on Waverly Place

[bunniefuu]

This is the slowest dinner
rush we've ever had.

Ooh, the city must have taken down

your "Last Sandwich
for Miles" sign.

Oh! This sandwich is amazing.

It's a pesto mayonnaise
with a smoked turkey

and a fancy cheese
I've never heard of.

I know it's fancy,
because it's not spray on.

Where did you get that?

At the new place down the street,
The Late Nite Bite.

It's super close.
We can go there all the time.

The only problem is
it's super packed.

Not like this place.

There's another sandwich shop
on Waverly Place? Competition?

There's no competition.
Let me try that.

Mmm. Mmm. There's no competition.

Mmmm.

This sandwich is even
better than pizza.

Can I have it back, please?

Jerry, maybe we should
send somebody down there

to check it out, huh?

I'll go.

No, no, no. I'll go.
I need a new sandwich, anyway.

We only send you on
missions of destruction.

Max we send to confuse people.

For research and surveillance,
Justin's our guy.

OK. I've got just the decoy.

I'll speak with an
Australian accent.

"G'day, mate. I'd like to try

one of your shrimp on the
barbie sandy-wiches... mate."

Hmm?

No, that's not an
Australian accent.

I'm a master of voices. Listen.

"I'd like to try your shrimp
on the barbie sandy-wich...

...mate."

That's not an accent. That's
your lame Jim Carrey impression.

Yeah, but you knew who it was.

It's gonna be in my one-man
show when school starts.

I'm gonna work on my
impressions all summer.

All summer long, huh?

All work and no play
makes Jack a dull boy.

Jack Nicholson.

Oh, I got one. OK. Um...

All summer with no Max
makes Alex a happy girl.

Alex Russo.

♪ Well you know everything's
gonna be a breeze ♪

♪ And the end will no doubt
justify the means ♪

♪ You can fix any problem with
the slightest of ease ♪

♪ Yes please ♪

♪ But you might find out it'll
go to your head ♪

♪ When you write a report on a
book you never read ♪

♪ With the snap of your fingers
you can make your bed ♪

♪ That's what I said ♪

♪ Everything is not
what it seems ♪

♪ When you can get all you wanted
in your wildest dreams ♪

♪ You might run into trouble
if you go to extremes ♪

♪ Because everything is
not what it seems ♪

♪ Everything is not
what it seems ♪

♪ When you can have what you want
by the simplest of means ♪

♪ Be careful not to mess with
the balance of things ♪

♪ Because everything is not... ♪

♪ What it seems ♪

As expected,
the place is very busy.

Aha!

They're open hours.

I don't know why I said "Aha."

Oh! There's one of their menus.

You know there are take-out menus.

If you want a copy,
the trash can out front

probably has of them.

I take photographs of menus.

I'm an artist.
An Australian menu artist.

Love your variety of sandy-wiches.

I'm so on board with your
whole Australian thing

until you said, "sandy-wiches."

They don't say that?

I'm... I'm sorry.

Don't be sorry.
I like fake accents.

I also like fake mustaches.

Oh, my gosh. I have one.
I knew I should have worn it.

It's OK. I was kind of kidding.

Oh. Um... I'm Justin.

I'm Juliet.

Sorry.

Want to hear about our special?

I think I'm looking at it.

Oh, was that smooth?

You kinda ruined it
by talking about it.

You're still cute, though.

Juliet, you didn't tell me
we had a special visitor.

Pardon me. Aren't you the young man
who works at Waverly Sub Station?

Oh, I got a sandwich
there last week.

Yeah, I was on a rather bland diet

and you guys really
got me through it.

- Thank you.
- I'm Justin Russo.

- Oh.
- And...

Lovely dress.

I've always thought people
should get dressed up

to make sandwiches.

Out of respect for
the profession...

...of sandwich making.

Ooh. Insincere compliments.

Well, I see the game is afoot.

"Insincere," huh?
I knew you didn't like this dress.

Mm-hm?

Juliet, this boy is here to
spy on our establishment.

He's not spying, Daddy.
He's very nice.

He was just videotaping
our menu for his...

You know, things are not
looking good for you.

I'm afraid, Justin Russo,

that I'm going to have
to ask you to leave.

If don't, the consequences
will be most horrible

and permanent!

Oh, honey, what did we say
about the hand gestures?

Not in the restaurant.

There you go.

Here, take this.

But this has someone's
phone number on it.

Yeah. It's the cute girl who
works at Late Nite Bite.

Oh. I like her.

The right side of the take-out
menu lists the specials.

Fangs-giving Turkey plate.

The Count of Monte CristoSandwi.

on... "garlic style" bread.

Justin, isn't that all
stuff from the menu?

Why'd you write it
on the white board?

You sent me on a spy mission,
and I'm debriefing you.

Without the board we're just
sitting around looking at menus.

Hold up. "Garlic style?
" "Open all night?"

"Count?" "Fangs?" They're vampires!

The Van Heusens are vampires?

That's why they had fangs.

Thought it was just a theme.

We've got a vampire
w*r on our hands.

Hasta la vista, baby!

That was the Terminator!

All right, he's gone.
We should pack up and move.

All right. So they're vampires?

It doesn't mean we can't
b*at them at their own game.

What do they got?
A castle dungeon theme?

We've got a subway station theme.

All we have to do
is make people feel

like they're really in a New
York City subway station

when they come in here.

You know, complete the
experience for them.

I'll just write that down on the
white board and make it official.

I get it.

We can move the turnstiles by
the bathrooms to the front door.

It'll create a line outside,

make the place look busy,
like those discotheques do.

"Discotheques?"

This could be the worst
family meeting ever.

No. No. It's coming together.

Late Nite Bite, you don't
know what bear you just poked.

- I'm the bear.
- Oh.

Alex, I need to speak to you.

I've got a date with
Juliet Van Heusen

and I need your help
sneaking around Mom and Dad.

Well, you came to the right place.

You don't want to be caught
dating the competition.

- What do I do?
- Use magic.

- That's it?
- Would you have thought of it?

- Nope.
- OK then.

If there's nothing else,
I've got to get started on my plan

for getting Max and those
annoying impressions

out of the house for the summer.

"I'll be back."

No, you won't, Max. No, you won't.

Waverly Sub Station.
Next stop, delicious.

OK, and here we are.

Can we eat now?

Not yet, sir. First a
little subway entertainment.

Harper, you're on.

And a one, two three...

I love sandwiches.

Why do they call them sandwiches?

They're not made out of sand.
They're not made by witches.

What is the deal?

Jerry Seinfeld.

Please, can I just get some coffee?

Ah... I'll get that for you, sir.

Oh, and you'll get yours,
too, buddy.

So Romeo,

did you figure out how you're
using magic to date Juliet?

Yep. I added five minutes
to the break schedule.

Now when we date,
it'll be for minutes at a time.

You used magic to do this...?

Justin, you could have used
magic to... to stop time,

freeze Mom and Dad so
they can't find you,

create an alternate universe
where you and Juliet can date

for a year, but it'd only
be a minute of our time.

Something big and magical.

I also used it to grow two inches.

You are a wiz-idiot.

You know what?

You use magic your way,
I'm gonna use it my way.

Fine, I will.

There.

Now you're two inches shorter,
just like you used to be.

What's up, shorty?

That was the best nightmare ever.

Hi, Justin.

Wait, you only have
minutes for the whole date?

No, OK. We can just
skip the awkward part

and you can hold my hand.

Yeah, I guess that
was kind of awkward.

Hey, got it over with.

All right. See you outside.

Ahh!

AB Positive.

Uh, Juliet?

Yeah, hi. Where do you
think you're going?

Um... I... I was just going

to go wreak havoc
on innocent mortals.

Oh!

Oh, well, good, honey.
Fabulous. Have fun.

Juliet?

If you're sneaking out
to see that Russo boy,

you'll be grounded.

And I mean, in the ground,
this time.

Oh, Daddy, go back to dead.

Wait a minute!

I know what you're doing.

You're sneaking out to do something
your mother wouldn't approve of,

like getting a
frozen hot chocolate.

I'm coming with you!

Go ahead, sneak around,
eat whatever you want...

like I don't notice
how we can't fit into

a queen-sized coffin anymore?

Fine. I'll switch to blood light.

Oh, sweetie, on your way home

could you pick up some detergent?

Your father keeps wiping
his fangs on his cape,

because he's a
little vampire piggy.

- I heard that!
- You were meant to.

Hey, Justin, I don't think
going through the graveyard

is a shortcut to the movies.

But it is, because you tend to
walk faster through a graveyard.

I mean, unless you
actually like graveyards.

Do you?

Well, not really as
much as you seem to.

I'm totally... totally cool with
the whole graveyard situation.

You know what? We have,
uh... we have some time to... "k*ll."

Well, yeah, I guess we could
hang out here for a while.

Aha! You said, "hang."

Most people say, "sit,
" but you said, "hang."

Nobody says, "you could
sit out here for a while."

Oh, I get what's happening.

This is the awkward part we talked about,
before we hold hands.

Let's do it. Here...

Oh, should we do the interlocking
fingers or the hand in hand?

Ooh... Which one's less sweaty?

We're...

So, um... I'm not sure about
this movie we're gonna see.

I don't think there will be enough,
uh... blood in it for me.

It's a romantic comedy.

No, I'm just saying I'm
totally fine with blood.

It's not a thing. Aren't you?

No. Hey, I was wondering if we
could grab a bite after the movie?

- Aha!
- Aha what?

- You said, "bite!"
- Yeah, I also said "k*ll"

and "hang," which seem
to be important to you.

Pss! Pss! Pss!

- You know, I don't got any...
- And sleep!

Marvin, what are you doing here?

Ooh! I see you brought us a snack!

No, he's not a snack, he's my date.

We're going to the movies.

Ooh! Make sure he
eats a lot of popcorn.

I like my blood buttery.

Marvin, you heard her.
She's on a date. Leave her alone.

Hey, Juliet.
How's your mom and dad?

Is she still trying
to play the piano?

I haven't seen them in centuries.

Yeah, they're pretty much

the same, you know..

Dad tries to be scary
and mom calms him down.

Nothing's really changed.

But you guys have to go!

- Awake.
- ...problem with dead things.

Do you?

Yeah, the place gives
me the creeps. Let's go.

Yeah, it's kinda scary.

Bye, Mary! Bye Marvin!

OK, that'll be $ . out of...

one million dollars.

Doctor Evil.

Austin Powers.

And that's the definition
of the word, "definition."

What would be the definition
of the word, "word?"

Where have you been all my life?

If I told you, you probably
wouldn't believe me.

Juliet, I, uh...
I know you're a vampire.

OK, so you probably
would believe me.

And while we're on the subject,
I know you're a wizard.

I can tell by your scent.

Sorry... I've been slicing ham.

No. your wizard scent.
Part brick, part pine needle.

Vampires have a
strong sense of smell.

Stronger than werewolves,
but people don't want to get past the fangs

and the blood drinking
to learn the specifics.

You know, you're not how I
expected vampires to be.

Well, that's because my parents wanted
me to fit in better d gave me a soul.

I have feelings.

And what do your feelings tell you?

That we should do this again.

But... Your parents don't like me.

And my parents wouldn't like it if I was
going out with a competitor's daughter.

I'm sorry. I don't care what Mommy
and Dad have to say about this.

I am going to tell them about you.

You know what? I'm going
to tell my parents, too.

Then we can have a date that lasts
longer than my -minute break from work.

It was fun. I've never
gone to the movies

just to see the coming
attractions before.

Although we could have
gotten a smaller popcorn.

Hey, the fun part was you.

I don't wa to say goodbye.

Neither do I.

OK, how about we count to
three and turn and walk away.

You said "Count."

- "Count?"
- Good one.

OK, I gotta go.

I'd hug you, but I don't want
to get my wizard scent on you

before you tell your parents.

Thinking!

How about, um,
I give you a mind hug?

OK. I'll give you one, too.

Oh... That's nice.

Romeo, Juliet, let's wrap
it up with the looky-looks.

Oh, hey, Oprah.

That's not Oprah. That's Alex.

No, that's Oprah. She comes
in and orrs the Nosfera-Tuna.

It's hilarious when
they call out "Oprah"

and everybody looks
around and it's just me.

Oh, that's never not funny.

Ah! Harper. u're getting
really good at that.

I am?

No. Of course not.
This whole subway theme is stupid.

Mom, Dad, I've gotta talk to
you about the Van Heusens.

Have you figured out
a way to destroy them

and send them into t
bowels of the Earth?

No, actually. Not all the
Van Heusens are evil.

What? They have stolen
all our business

and forced us into
this subway nonsense.

I've hated that car since
I rst heard someone

at an auction say, "Sold.
To the guy eating a sandwich."

I got a great deal.
They included the tow.

The Van Heusens are evil.

And so is anybody relad to them,

friends with them,
or eats at their restaurant.

Now, what did you want
to tell us, honey?

That... uh...

the average temperature of an
igloo is degrees Fahrenheit

when there's people in it.
That's ice!

That's nice, sweetie.
Maybe someday you can grow up,

buy an igloo at an auction and build a
whole restaurant around it, just like your
father.

I am an entrepreneur!

Dude! you can't come
clean about Juliet.

When they find out,
there's gonna be chaos.

And that's the chaos I'm going to need to
cover my plan to send Max away for the
summer.

There's this magical, underwater
seahorse ranch th's all filled up,

but I've got him slowly
moving up that wait list...

Giddy-up, Max. Giddy-up!

Justin, I told my parents.

Wow, that was quick.

Didn't take long to say,
"I like Justin."

And for them to say, "What?!"

How did your parents take it?

Yeah, um...

I'm gonna need another day with it.

I don't think you're going
to have another day.

You might have another five
seconds to squeeze it in.

What are you talking about?

We've come to reclaim our daughter!

Yeah.

- Who are you?
- Alucard Van Heusen.

And this is my wife, Cindy. Hi.

Of all the sneaky tricks to use.

Sending ur boy over to play
with my Juliet's affections.

That is w, even for a wizard.

Like six feet in the ground low?
Huh, vampire?

Honey, you may want to
stay out of this one.

Your husband's right.
You've unleashed the wrath of Alucard.

Please pretend you're scared or I'll
have to hear about it all night.

Prepare to meet your doom!

Oh, look. Oprah's here.

Hi, Al. Cindy.

Well, let's cut to it.

Your son needs to stay
away from our daughter.

She doesn't know what she's doing.
Her fangs haven't even come in yet.

You're dating the competition?

How could you do this to us?

I might have expected
this from Alex, but you?

What? Yeah, that's totally
something I would do.

Dad, we really like each other.

Oh, I get it.

You sent your daughter here
to make him fall in love

as part of your sick plan...
to destroy us.

How would that destroy us?

They're vampires!

They're handsomer, smarter,
and more cunning than we are.

They're like... shaved
wolves that can vote.

Daddy, Mom, the moments
I've spent with Justin

have been the best
minutes of my life.

Well, those moments
are over. Come on.

Daddy.

Smarter than us, huh? Really?

Excuse me. Can you
turn down that sound?

Yeah, I get it. It's a subway.
I just want my coffee.

Look, we're selling the experience
of being underground in a subway,

and friendly, courteous service,
so shut up and enjoy it.

I know what you're thinking,

that I'm threatened by this new girl
that's become a part of Justin's life.

Well, I'm not. He likes to
dabble with the exotic types,

the werewolves,
the centaurs and the vampires.

But "Old Steady" is
gonna win this race.

Good for you, Harper.

You want to know who Old
Steady is? This girl.

Oh, Juliet.

Oh, Justin.

Juliet, what are you doing?

Staring at nothing. 'Cause
that's all I have, is nothing.

No, you're staring at a bat cage.

OK, if you don't want me
to stare at a bat cage

and you don't want
me to date Justin,

I might as well stare at this wall.

Whoo! I had no idea ,
years of adolescence

would be this difficult.

Really, Juliet,
stop being so dramatic.

Wonder where she gets that?

And Juliet, if you don't
stop staring at this wall,

I shall take a wrecking ball to it!

I would actually like that.
Then I could see Justin through it!

Sweetie, I know you're upset, I do.

But I don't know why you're
so infatuated with him.

He's fangless and has
no pasty complexion.

OK, well you two have been
together for , years.

You've forgotten how hard it
is to meet someone special.

Well, don't worry about it,
darling.

You'll meet someone else.

There are other bats in the cave.

Yes, there are plenty of young dapper
fellows who come in here all the time.

Well, look. Look at him.
He's perfect.

- Him? No. No!
- Oh!

- He's perfect!
- Not him.

Hello, young man. Yes, hi.

I'd like to introduce you
to our daughter, Juliet.

Great... I think this is diet.

What are you guys trying to do? He's,
like, years old.

Yes, but you're .
What difference does it make?

He's not Justin.
That's the difference.

I've been alive for a long time
and I've never felt this way.

You can't just push someone on me.

'Twas fate's dart
that found my Justin.

Remember, you're a teenager.

It was, like, totally, fate's dart
that found Justin and stuff, you know?

We're done with this discussion.

Get your mind off this
and get back to work.

That man needs a regular soda!

What's the point of working
if I don't have a future?

If I can't be with Justin,
I'd rather die!

Again!

Oh! Oh! So dramatic!

The specials today are...

What am I talking about?
There's nothing special about today.

There's nothing special
about tomorrow.

There's nothing special ever.

Oh, my gosh, Justin.

You've got to get over
your -minute girlfriend.

You know what I figured out?

I fall in love fast.

But you know what's
different about this time?

When I'm not with her...

...my heart hurts.

I believe you.

Normally you pout for minutes,

and then I wave an action
figure in front of your face

and you're fine.

Not this time.

This is one crime Captain Jim
Bob Sherwood can't solve.

Oh my gosh, please come with me.

OK. Put these on.

- Why?
- Because I'm going to help you.

Why?

Because your sadness
grosses me out. OK?

There. Now you and Juliet
can continue to date.

While you have the glasses on, everybody
will see you as a completely different
person.

Oh, but those glasses
are on a loan.

I'm going to need them
back at a moment's notice.

Why?

It's a part of my plan
to get rid of Max.

There's this guy coming over whose kid is
number one on the wait-list for seahorse
camp.

He has to think I'm camp director.

That didn't make any sense.

That's why I need the glasses, dude. If
those words don't come out of a grown-up's
mouth

we're stuck with Jerry "the
Terminator" Seinfeld all summer.

And I just can't...

So there we were, yelling,
"The British are coming!"

You were there, in ,
during the Revolutionary w*r?

I thought it was just Paul Revere.

Yeah, Paul "Check me
out over here" Revere.

That guy was such an attention hog.

Oh! Hey, it's true.
Vampires don't show up in mirrors.

Yeah, doing our hair
is total guesswork.

But hey, I mean...

Look at Juliet with that new boy.

They're so sweet together.

Juliet really seems
to be enjoying him.

I knew we did the right thing,

keeping her away from
that Russo urchin.

And you know I could have unleashed
my wrath on him any time I wanted to.

I know, honey. OK.

Oh, God!

Psst! Justin, it's time.
Give me the glasses.

Uh. I'm in the middle of something.

Sheriff boy's father's here.
It's now or never.

Good luck, you two.
I'm rooting for you.

Justin Russo!

A wizard trick.

Juliet, get away from him.
We forbade you to see him.

Sorry, sir. But I would never do anything
to harm your daughter or your business.

We thought she was with a
nice boy from......school.

That's what I've been trying
to tell you. He is a nice boy.

There's no difference between
Justin and the boy you saw.

Why can't you just let us be happy?

With all due respect, Mr.
and Mrs. Van Heusen,

this restaurant feud is
between you and my parents.

Juliet and I have
nothing to do with it.

Please let us be together.
I really care about Juliet.

- Uh...
- Mmmm...

Uh...

Oh, Come on, Alucard.

You're an old romantic softie.

Remember when we were young and in love,
like, , years ago?

Seems like just yesterday we
were drinking King Arthur.

Is that a brand of soda?

Yes, as far as you know.

You can see Juliet
as often as you want.

But remember, I am capable
of unleashing my wrath

as long as I'm not distracted.

Hey, it's not unlimited sauces.
You get one.

Way to unleash that wrath.

You've inspired me, Mr.
and Mrs. Van Heusen.

I'm sure when my parents see
how happy I am with Juliet

they'll be just as
accepting as you are.

Absolutely not.

What are you thinking?

Those people are trying
to steal our business!

We will not let you betray this family,
Justin. I don't care how happy you are.

Well, as a mother,
I care about your happiness.

But as a restaurant owner, I don't.

The Van Heusens were accepting,
loving and tolerant of us.

And they sleep in coffins!

They're actually
roomier than you think.

With the lid open and with bedding,
you barely notice it's a coffin.

I could have never
seen this coming.

Alex, you are officially the
good child of the family.

- "Good child?"
- Mm-hm.

You're calling me the good child?

Think about that.
What has Justin done wrong?

He fell in love with
somebody. Big deal.

I'm the one who's been
trying to get Max sent off

to an undersea camp for the summer.

You're trying to get
rid of your brother?

Yeah, but it didn't
really work out.

The, uh, wizard kid's father
actually was a wizard cop.

He recognized my voice from something
else you don't want to know about.

Look, Daddy, Justin should
be allowed to date Juliet

and you guys should be
focused on punishing me

for what I almost did to Max,
and the other thing that I did.

She's right, Jerry.

Our feud with the Van
Heusens has blinded us

to something a little
more important.

Our son's happiness.

Justin, Juliet...
You guys can date.

Yes! Whoo!

- So it's official.
- Not until...

...I write it on the white board.

Some people might find that weird,

but I just think it's charming.

I'll hold the marker cap.

I see what you did here.

You made a sacrifice
for your brother.

You really are the good child.

Daddy, please don't say that.
Makes me uncomfortable.

I know, that's why I'm
gonna keep saying it.

- You're the good child.
- Daddy...

- You're the good child.
- Stop it!

- Alex is good!
- No!

Someone did something good.
It's Alex!

- No, I did not do that!
- Yes! You're good!

And that's the definition
of the word "the."

What's going on?

Alex almost sent you
away to an undersea camp

where everyone rides seahorses.

Oh, my gosh. I would love that!

Oh, Alex, you are a great sister.
You're really great.

I'm gonna work on an
impression of you all summer.

Max, please.
I'm begging you not to.

"Max, please.
I'm begging you not to."

Please leave me alone.

"Please leave me alone."

- Stop it!
- "Stop it!"

- Stop!
- "Stop!"