03x06 - Doll House

[bunniefuu]

I can not believe!

My Captain Jim Bob Sherwood
Farmhouse Space Command Module

was appraised
at dollars!

Yeah, but then you fainted and
squashed one of the space cows.

Now it just looks
like space road k*ll.

Hey, guys!

I was just cleaning out the basement
and I found some cool stuff.

Justin, here's your scooter.
Weren't you looking for it?

Yeah, when you hid it
from me when I was eight.

My old Shaun
Cassidy poster!

Who put lipstick on...?
Oh, yeah!

Never mind.

Hey, Dad, isn't this yours?

Oh! My football phone.

Wait a minute. Why would you
be cleaning out the basement?

You don't clean
out anything.

What are you up to?
Come on, tell me.

Nothing. Nothing.

I just...

I just think that in
these tough times,

families have forgotten
what really matters.

And I'll tell you
what really matters.

Each other.

And do you know how
we celebrate each other?

With tokens from our
past... Memories.

- Nice!
- No way.

Best performance by a
daughter in a nonsense role!

That was amazing!

Chihuahua!

Ah, now we get the truth.
Her own art studio.

Alex, you think you can
clear out the basement

and make it your own
space without asking us?

My old yearbook!

Who wants to
see my old hair?

Sick, Dad! Is that
where you keep it?

This is just another
one of her decoys

so no one will stop her
from getting the basement.

Look at her!

See? Decoy.

She knows that someone else is
more deserving of the basement,

someone with a very valuable
Captain Jim Bob Sherwood collection

that should be kept in a temperature
constant environment. Just sayin'.

Hold on right there.

- No one is getting the
basement. - That's right.

This is where we keep all the stuff that
we don't let each other keep upstairs.

Knock it off!

Harper, what happened?

Did you wear your walnut hat near the
park? Did the squirrels att*ck you?

No. I'm moving.

- What? - What do you
mean you're moving?

My dad got transferred
to Pittsburgh.

Harper, you're my best friend.
You can't leave. What about school?

I would stay and finish school if
we had family in town, but we don't.

I mean, we do, but they
won't tell us where they live.

Well, we're your family, too.

That's right, Harper.
We're here for you.

Because you're
always here for us.

Always here...
Always.

Hey, you know
what we should do?

We should let Harper
move into the basement.

It would be great
for me! Us. Her.

Really? Well, let me ask
my mom for permission.

Mom, you were right.

They did ask.
Okay, bye.

She said yes.
Group hug!

You and your mom
manipulated us.

Looks like you are
part of this family.

Well, if you're gonna be
a part of this family,

you should know that
we don't group hug.

It's already
feeling like home.

This is so heavy.

This is gonna be
so great, Harper!

I know. Two best friends living
together, sharing the load.

It'll be great.

So, my easel is here.

And my paints
are right there.

And my canvases
are up here.

Oh, and Harper...

You can sleep
in the corner...

Behind the water
heater. Warm and cozy.

Really? Oh, yeah!

You need your art studio more than I need
a comfortable bed... or breathable air.

I'll just sleep on a towel
or possibly standing up,

like a horse!

Yeah, no, that'd be great. As long
as you don't take up too much room.

No, I'm trying to tell you
that you're being selfish.

Harper, I'm letting you sleep in
my art studio. How is that selfish?

- Alex!
- Okay, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm really glad you're gonna
be living here, Harper.

Now come on, let's clear out all
of my stuff and set up your room.

Let me know
when you're done.

Just kidding!
Sorry! Yeah.

Hey, isn't this your old
dollhouse we used to play with?

It looked so much bigger
when we were little.

Yeah. Man.

If only at age five
I knew I was a wizard

I would have shrunk
myself down and...

Oh, no! Did you
just go "hmm"?

Yes, I did, Harper.

And I wish you would stop
being so afraid of my "hmms".

One of these days my "hmm"
is gonna be something great.

Let's see if it's today.

Do we have to?

Shrinka dink, shrinka
dank, shrinka dunk.

I guess we do.

This is my best "hmm" yet.
My very own art studio.

To make teeny-tiny
art?! Cool.

Hey, if I stick my toes in the
window can you paint my nails?

Won't it look weird if
someone walks in and sees you?

They'll mostly be
looking at this anyway.

Jerry, take 'em off.
I'm throwing them out.

But what if I want
to go to the gym?

What if I want to stop being
embarrassed in this neighborhood?

Fine. Then you
have to throw out

those love poems
about Shaun Cassidy.

- Who snitched?
- A little birdie told me.

Excuse me, I'm more like
an eagle or a hawk.

Caw! Wait.

I just told you I was
the snitch, didn't I?

I'll find my own
punishment.

Hey, Dad, can I borrow
those pants and a camera?

That was a
good one, honey.

Justin...

I'm no expert about
collectible toys.

Thank goodness for that.

But shouldn't you store
that away somewhere?

Dad, two things. One, you're terrible
at making side comments to yourself.

And two,
I've decided to sell

my Captain Jim Bob Sherwood
Farmhouse Space Command Module.

- Why?
- Because the other person

shouldn't hear
your side comment.

Turning your head to the side,
not lowering your voice...

No. Why are
you selling it?

I know I would.

I'm selling it because...
I still heard that.

I don't have the temperature
constant basement to store it in.

Keeping it just wouldn't
be fair to the plastic.

Oh, we have a customer!

Nice sweatshirt.

See, now that was
a good side comment

because he didn't
hear you. Good.

- Are you Randy?
- Yeah, I'm Randy.

I heard your side comment
about my sweatshirt.

I'll get it!

Well, here it is.

"Immaculate condition", as
described in my auction ad.

Oh, which also says,
"appraised for dollars".

I'll give you
dollars for it.

Seventy-five
dollars?! Cute.

I should charge you
dollars just for looking at it.

Well, it is obvious
that somebody fell on it

and squashed
the space cows.

Call me when you wake
up from your dream.

Yeah, well, your Captain Jim Bob
sweatshirt's an iron-on, not an original!

Yeah! Some people just
don't understand fashion.

Harper, I love your
new bedroom, but...

Aren't these
headless mannequins

gonna freak you
out at night?

Yeah, I put heads on
them before I go to bed.

I should probably go get those before
my dad takes them to Pittsburgh

instead of
taking my mom.

He likes them better
'cause they don't talk back.

Okay, well, I'll be
in my art studio.

Shrinka dink, shrinka
dank, shrinka dunk.

Harper's room
looks great.

A pretzel dress.

This dress could use
a little more salt.

Come on, we still got a
lot of stuff to throw out.

Oh, look!

It's Alex's
old dollhouse.

So many memories.

We can get rid
of that, too, huh?

Wait! Harper!

Harper! Wait!

Wait!

Oh, no!

- Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Russo.
- Hi, Olive.

How's your dad's
produce stand?

Fine, thank you.
Oh, Mr. Russo,

here's your bag of corn
husks you use for lettuce.

She's so cute.

That's a really pretty dollhouse,
Mrs. Russo. Is it yours?

Mine? Oh, no, honey.
It's Alex's.

She's too old now, so
we're gonna get rid of it.

Really? May I have it?

Oh, of course!

And you know what?

It comes with a carrying
strap. Here you go.

Thank you so much!

Oh, you can't have that.
It's Alex's. But that's all yours.

Harper, I know you and Alex loved
playing with this when you were little,

but don't you want
someone else to enjoy it now?

No.

Harper, we already
gave it to Olive.

Can I at least look inside of it?
You know, for sentimental reasons.

Harper, I dropped my wand
and it rolled out the door

when we were in the basement.
I'm in so much trouble.

I'll go get Justin.
Come on, Senorita Kitty!

Get Justin? Why?

Because he loved
this dollhouse, too.

Harper!

Don't go ask
Justin for help.

I'm gonna try to
fix this myself.

Now, please go and try to find my wand.
It's somewhere in the basement. Hurry!

And remind me to always go to the
bathroom before I come in here.

Justin! Justin!
I need your help!

I have to concentrate.
I'm trying to restore

my Captain Jim Bob Sherwood Farmhouse
Space Command Module's space cows

to bring it back to its
full dollars value.

- Now steady...
- Just gimme that!

Harper! What are you
doing? No, you're not...

Wow, it's perfect!

You're really
good at that.

I paint mountain scenes on grains
of rice. Of course I'm good at it.

Now listen, Alex turned her old
dollhouse into an art studio,

and shrunk herself
to work in it,

but your mom and dad gave it to
a little girl down the street.

Just tell her to use her
wand to reverse the spell.

Oh, I left out a part.

She lost her wand in the basement.
I looked everywhere. I can't find it.

Okay, I'll go.
I'll fix it.

Oh, I kinda left
out another part.

I wasn't supposed
to ask for your help.

- What? - She wants to
fix this on her own.

But, come on, you and I
both know she can't fix this.

So, are you gonna help
me help her or not?

Okay, okay...

I'll do both.

I'll help her by
not helping her.

If I don't help her, it will
make her a better wizard.

So, I'm not gonna help her.
Which will help her.

What?!

If you weren't so darn cute,
I'd be mad at you right now.

Harper...

Look what I found
under my bed.

A very valuable
collector's item.

Max, that's a paper plate
piled high with trash.

Yeah, I had it appraised.
Now it's worth dollars.

Who would pay you
dollars for that?

This bargain
hunter right here.

I mean, unless someone
was willing to pay

then I would go to .

Max, why would you
bid against yourself

on something
you already own...

- A bidding w*r!
- Sold. You owe me .

Where is it?

I know you're in here.

Your hair is
so tangled!

Maybe we should
just cut it all off

and glue some yarn on.

Hi, Olive.
How are you?

Fine. Are you gonna try
and take my dollhouse?

I'm sorry about that.

Why don't we
be friends

and maybe we can schedule
one of those "play dates"?

Really? I have
to ask my mom

because she told me to stay
away from the weird girl.

Well...

Maybe she meant
someone else.

Aren't you the one who wears
a hat made of walnuts?

Well, I did what
you said, Randy.

I thought about your offer, and
dollars sounds pretty good.

Then we have a deal.

That we do.

Because dollars...
Sounds pretty good.

Giant dog who waterskis,
you've done it again.

- Seventy-five dollars! - Oh,
hey! Is that a Colonel Jim Bob...

- Captain! - Captain
Jim Bob Sherwood...

Barnyard
Command Module?

Oh! Well, it's
in great shape.

- Are you selling it? - Yeah, but
I just bought it for dollars.

Really?
I'll pay you more.

- A hundred dollars. - Hey, hey!
We were making a deal here.

Yes, we were, but now
there's someone else here

offering dollars.

- One-twenty-five.
- One-fifty.

Do I hear
, , ?

- One-seventy-five. - .
Signal with the index.

- One-seventy-five is the
current offer. - Two hundred.

- Two hundred...
- Two-fifty!

- Two-seventy-five!
- Slow down, boys.

- You want to bait the bidder... Three
hundred dollars! - Three-ninety-five!

You can't find my wand?

Can't you see what
Olive is doing to me?

I know, and I'm
kind of jealous.

I've been trying for years to get
you to wear a pretty dress like that.

She is pulling all of my hair
out with her cat's brush!

The dress is bad enough. I
don't want to be a bald doll!

Look, I really tried to
figure this out on my own,

but I just don't
know what to do.

You're gonna have
to ask Justin for help.

Right. About that,

I kind of already did.

I told you not to!

But I guess you knew I couldn't
figure this out on my own, right?

- I'm sorry.
- That's okay. You're right.

So what's Justin
gonna do to help me?

Nothing. He said he's helping
you with your wizard studies

by not helping you.

Apparently he thinks you
can fix this on your own

and, man, is he
alone in that.

He actually thinks
I can fix this on my own?

What kind of jacked double-reverse
psychology is he pulling?!

Where is he?

He just sold his Captain Jim Bob
Sherwood Farmhouse Space Command Module.

Apparently a guy paid
a lot of money for it.

So... Justin's
got money?

Well, then he's
about to help me

whether he likes
it or not.

I can't believe you're gonna buy
my dollhouse for so much money!

I can't believe it either!

But it has a lot of,
sentimental value.

It's practically family.

You owe me a
lot of allowances.

Thank goodness
I'm me again!

Well, a gross
version of me.

Wait! Don't change until I get my
giant teddy bear and my tea set.

Kitty, it's gonna be
an all-girl tea party!

Well...

Thank you, Justin.

I will pay you
back the money.

No, you won't.

I know, but the
"thank you" was real.

Wait! Where
are you going?

This is the part where we
fight it out until I win.

I lost dollars.
You already won.

No! I won because I wanted
to fix this on my own,

but I couldn't
until you made me.

And, now, I'm a
better wizard for it.

No, it was my
money. I fixed it.

But it was my idea.
This isn't about the money.

The important thing is,
that it's all better now.

So you can say
"You're welcome".

For what? I'm
out dollars!

There you go! There's the
fight I was looking for.

Don't you feel better?

Fine.

Oh, Justin,
you're hurting me.

Yeah. I do feel better
now. Thank you.

Three hundred eighty,
three hundred ninety...

Four hundred dollars.

Well, Olive, there you go.

Your very own collectible
plate of garbage.

So you ended up
with all of my money?

You should've bought the plate of
collectible garbage when you had the chance.

Come on, man!
I'll buy you a sandwich.

You don't even know how
to spend the money right!

We get sandwiches for free!