03x07 - Marathoner Harper

[bunniefuu]

No! Stop following me!
Go away!

Harper!

Really?!

Alex, I'm sorry.

I knew you'd be annoyed
by physical activity,

so I'm training
while you're asleep.

Well, I'm awake.

Your invisible
dogs woke me up.

Alex, I'm training
for the marathon.

And sorry about
the dog noises.

It helps me run faster when I feel
like dogs are about to eat my face.

Why would you ever
want to run miles?

The same reason you stayed on the
couch for the entire month of July.

Oh, I get it!

A sense of accomplishment.

Setting a goal and
then achieving it.

Well, then, I guess
I should be supportive here.

All right, what's the
thing that people say?

Oh, yeah...
Keep it down!

Har... Harper!

What's up,
what're you doing?

I'm blending up all this
fruit to make a smoothie.

That's actually
an awesome idea.

A drinkable meal.

I really hate chewing.

Birds are so lucky. Their moms
just chew up their food

and they spit it
right in their mouths.

I really wish my dad
married a bird.

Hey, honey!

Look how healthy
Harper's eating.

Oh, yeah! You know she's
training to run a marathon.

You must be very proud
of your daughter.

Yes, we are.
That's our daughter.

Come on, she's not
your daughter.

Hey, guys! Check it out.

If you put cereal on hot dogs,
it counts as breakfast.

That's your daughter.

Yeah.

It's so hard to be
filled with pride

and have no one
to give it to.

Hey, you should
be proud of me.

I got a whole bookcase full
of trophies in my bedroom.

The... Scholastic Decathlon,

debate team and the Alien
Language League, among others.

And that's not even counting ribbons
or my pat-on-the-back photo album.

You know, honey, we
are very proud of you.

But... come on,

those awards required

no physical movement
on your part.

All right, I'm gonna start training
for that marathon right now.

Right after I get a pedicure to
strengthen my toenails for the big run.

All right, come on, Harper.

Eat your breakfast dog so that we can
go upstairs and do some couch-camping.

Alex, that's so unhealthy.

My body's a machine and I have to fuel it
with the best that nature has to offer.

Well, I got these
from the hot dog guy,

and he definitely
smells like nature.

Alex, I'm in training.

You still haven't given up on
that crazy marathon idea yet?

It's been, like...

Like, four hours.

When I set my mind to
something, I stay on it

until I come out a winner.

Remember all those
spelling bees I entered?

I kept at it until I won.

Yeah, I remember.

Who won that
tae kwon do contest?

That's right. This girl.

That smoothie didn't
even see it coming.

Justin, I just got your text

and I am so on it, man.

I'm going to train you
to win that marathon.

All right, dude, let's do what it
takes 'cause I need this trophy.

Well, then we start right now.
Crab walk!

- Crab walk. Crab walk.
- Crab walk?

Crab walk it out.
Love that!

Love that. Bring it up,
let's do a duck walk.

Let's do a duck walk! Quack, quack,
quack it out. Love that, love that.

Let's cool it down. Let's just
cool it down with some leapfrogs.

- Leapfrogs?
- Ready!

Love it. Good extension.

- Good release.
- Feels good.

Is that your son?

No!

I'm not wearing my cat suit!

I told you I never would.
Please just stop chasing me.

Harper!

Harper!

Alex! I could have fallen.

Harper, when you moved in here,

you promised me that you would
never, ever, ever run a marathon.

Dear, I never said that.

Look, I'm half asleep, so my lies
aren't really good right now.

Alex, I'm sorry,

but I've got to keep training.
I'm up to eight miles.

If all goes well, I should be
able to finish a marathon in...

About three years. Yeah.

Three more years
of that squeaking?

I've never used magic
before my alarm clock went off.

I don't have an alarm clock.

I wish there was some sort
of finish-a-marathon spell.

Oh, look, a
finish-a-marathon spell!

I love magic.

Thanks, Alex.

You're so supportive.

All right!

Come on, Finkle!
You can do this!

Push it, push it,
push it!

"Gnip-gnop, hippity-hop,

run . miles,
then stop."

These protein bars work fast.

Thanks for coming out.

Oh, cool! Are we gonna
throw that at the runners?

No, this a drinkable meal.
I'm selling them.

This is a special blend of
coffee, eggs, hash browns,

and a napkin.

So you don't have to wipe your
face after you're done drinking it.

Max, people aren't
gonna stop running

to buy your cups of mud.

Alex, you're obviously
not a business person.

They run by, grab the cup,

I write down their
number and bill them.

Well, good luck trying to track
down the runners from Kenya.

Excuse me. Excuse me.
Sorry. Sorry.

Oh, hey, Alex! I've got the
Alien Language League members

set up at every mile
to cheer Justin on.

Well, up until mile four,
then we ran out of people.

Oh, my gosh!
It's Harper!

She's the lead runner.
She could win this thing.

Let's run to
the finish line.

- That's four miles.
- You're right. Let's take a cab.

- Oh, shotgun!
- Sure. It's a cab.

Hold on.

A year-old girl with three weeks of
training is going to win a marathon?

Does that seem
weird to you, Alex?

Oh, my gosh!
It's a miracle!

Go, Harper!
Slow down, but go!

Harper, we are
so proud of you!

Where should we display
your winning trophy?

- In my room.
- Oh, don't be silly!

Other people should know that
a Russo won the marathon.

She's not a Russo.

Until one of you kids
wins a marathon, she is.

Congratulations, Harper. You
know what I'm gonna do for you?

I'm going to make you my special
after-marathon-get-relaxed smoothie.

Herbal tea, warm milk and
a jasmine-scented candle.

But Max, you're not allowed
to play with candles anymore.

Or a blender,
so shut up about it.

Justin, you made it.
Where you been?

I was finishing the marathon.
Where were you?

I wore the alien mask,
like we discussed,

when I crossed the finish line, and there
was no one there to take the picture.

Without the picture
it was just... stupid.

I'm sorry, dude. I got distracted
watching Harper win the marathon.

It was amazing. She was like my weird Uncle
Charlie, chasing after the garbage truck.

It was... a sight to see.

Wait a minute! So you're saying
that Harper won the marathon?

Yeah, but don't worry, honey.

You still have all those
trophies from...

That book stuff.

I didn't even see her.
It was like...

It was...

She must have passed me when
I was putting on the mask.

Yeah.

Well, I'm gonna go soak my
feet, try to save the toenails.

Alex, Harper, a word.

Look what I found in the
area-where-Alex-hides-things area.

Well, it's time to move
that area again.

A page torn out of
The Cheaters' Book of Spells.

Daddy, I...

I think you and I should
probably talk about that alone.

Not that I know
what that is or...

It describes a spell to help
someone finish a marathon.

And now we need
to talk about

not knowing what
"talking alone" means.

Oh, my gosh, Alex! You used
magic on me so I'd win?!

Not on you.
Just your feet.

I'm sorry, Harper. I just couldn't take
it anymore, your constant training,

and your healthy eating. You said you were
gonna keep at it until you finished one.

You know, Alex, I thought
you learned your lesson

when we grounded you when you did this
to Harper at the fifth-grade spelling bee.

Hey, I won that!

Oh, my gosh!

My fifth grade spelling
bee trophy is a total sham?

Well, Harper, you didn't know about
magic back then so I couldn't tell you.

Are all of my achievements
a lie because of you?

No. Not all of them.

You... you dressed
yourself today.

Mr. Russo, may I please see
The Cheater's Book of Spells?

Sure.

"Win at jumping roping spell."

Guilty.

"Achieve black belt
in tae kwon do."

Guilty.

"Picked first for kickball?!"

I'm surprised you didn't
figure that one out on your own.

Well, that's just great, Alex.

Some of my biggest achievements
in life are lies because of you.

Now, I wouldn't say

"picked first in kickball"

is a big achievement.

Well, I guess I wouldn't know.

We don't have to give
back the trophy, right?

So you're telling me

that Alex used magic so Harper
would win the marathon?

I can't believe
it's all been a lie.

How could Alex do
this to our daughter?

So the trophy's a fake?

This is the best news ever!

Well, Harper's pretty
broken up about it.

So what? Alex cheated.

She's a cheater!

I can still be the first Russo
to win an athletic trophy.

I'm gonna train hard, eat right
and win the next marathon.

Yeah. I'll start as soon
as my toenails grow back.

See what you've done?

Not only have you hurt
Harper's feelings,

but you've sent your brother
off on an unrealistic goal.

Why? His toenails
will grow back.

But, I do feel
bad about Harper.

Well, I don't know how you're
going to make her feel better.

I mean it's not like she can do
all those competitions over again.

Oh, sh**t!

What's wrong?

I think I accidentally
gave her an idea.

Yes, you did!

Okay.

And... open your eyes!

It's bad enough you've ruined
all my victories with magic,

and now you've made a
banner to remind me of it?

No, no, no, we're gonna
recreate those competitions,

starting with your
fifth grade spelling bee.

And I won't use magic this time,
so you can win fair and square.

How do I know you're not using
magic to make me agree to do this?

Would it make you feel better
if I let you hold my wand?

Yes, it would.

No, no, take it back. That
thing gives me the creeps.

Don't be afraid, Finkle.

Your first word might be
"bawk-bawk-bawk-bawk"!

Are you calling the th Street
spelling bee champ a chicken?

If the egg fits, lay it.

Let's go, Carol!

Okey. Are you ready
for your word, Max?

Max.

M-A-C-K-S.

Max.

That isn't your word.

That's your name.

And you misspelled it.

I should've asked
for a definition.

Okay, Carol,
your word is...

Hippopotomonstroses-
quipedaliophobia.

Could you use it
in a sentence?

Hippopotomonstrosesquipedalio-
phobia is an annoying word,

and I'm not gonna
say it again.

That's the sentence.

Hippopotomonstroses-
quipedaliophobia.

H-I-P-P-O-P-O-T-O-M-O-N-S-T-R-O-S-E-
S-Q-U-I-P-E-D-A-L-I-O-P-H-O-B-I-A.

Hippopotomonstroses-
quipedaliophobia.

Correct.

Okay, Harper,
your word is...

- "Sergeant."
- Easy one.

Sergeant.

S-E-R-G-A-E-N-T.

Harper, that's not right.

I'm sorry, you're out
of the competition.

Oh, cork it, Carol!

Way to make me
feel better, Alex.

No, no, no! It's not
just one and done.

We've got more.
Come on!

, , , ...
Why did you stop?

Well, I could've gone longer, but it
looked like your dad was going to pass out.

No, I'm fine.

What?

Is the room spinning?

How do you do this?
I think I need a watch.

Jump rope.
Justin, get in there.

This is perfect cardio
for the marathon.

Teddy bear, Teddy
bear, turn around.

Teddy bear, Teddy bear,
touch the ground.

- Teddy bear...
- Zeke!

Do it in your head!

Sorry. All right.

And here we go and...

- Now.
- Zeke.

Okay, we're gonna go again.
Coming up right now.

Here we go! Okay.

And going again,
right now. Go!

All right, go again, right now.
Quick, go! Go quick! Now!

Zeke! Okay...

You're messing
up my timing.

- Hurry up, dude! My arms
are getting dizzy. - Dizzy?

There, you missed.
Get out.

All right, Harper,
show her how it's done.

Daddy!

Is it Christmas?

- All right. - All right,
I just gotta b*at .

People, grab a chair.
This is gonna take a while.

One. One...

And... one.

Thank you.

I'm sorry, Harper.

Thanks for coming out.

My pleasure. Although I wish
you would've let her go first.

It would've saved me about
three hours of jumping rope.

Just take your victory
and leave, Connie!

Oh... well, this...

This is just like real life.

You can't win all
of them, right?

But there's no way that you're
gonna lose the next one.

I wasn't ready.

Get up! We're
not done here.

- But she's done.
- Hey!

In my day, the fight wasn't
over until you saw bone!

Give me my black belt.

Make me.

- Hey...!
- Just kidding.

You already made me.

Daddy, why did you give
me this idea? It's horrible.

That's not all
that's horrible.

I'm pretty sure the
old lady ripped one.

All right. It was me.

It happens when I exert.

I'd help her up, but then
you'd get another one.

Hey, Harper.

I made you a smoothie
to cheer you up.

- You all right? - I'm okay.
I mean, it probably have felt good

to win at least one
of the rematches.

I'm so sorry, Harper.

Your friendship
means the world to me.

And I only used magic because
I wanted you to feel good.

I mean, I wouldn't have
set up all these rematches

if I knew you were going
to lose all of them.

It's okay. I mean, you don't have to
apologize, I learned something important.

It's better to lose and know you lost
on your own than to cheat and win.

I also learned how to say
"hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia".

I learned one thing.

When did you become the most
amazing person in my life?

The first day we met
in kindergarten,

when we had to take naps in
different rooms because we snored.

Okay, so you're not gonna
use any more magic on me?

- No.
- Even if I ask for it?

Yep. But... Okay, what
if we're like really old,

like , and then our
hair starts turning gray,

and our skin looks
like Dad's old wallet,

and our butts
are dragging...

Okay, okay!

- We can use magic to fix that.
But nothing else. - Okay.

It feels nice to have all my victories
and losses in life be magic-free.

Well...

Well, what?

Remember when we were
kids at Coney Island,

and we raced each other
to the hot dog stand?

So, wait, you used
magic to b*at me?

- Well, then, why don't we just do
a rematch of that? - Seriously?

We can just race to the
bus stop around the corner.

- All right, Mr. Russo, you call "go".
- Okay, you ready, girls?

Ready? Set. No magic!

Daddy!

I just really wanted
to tell you, honey,

a minute ago I was proud of Harper,
but now I'm really proud of you, too.

Okay, thank you.

And I really just
wanted to make sure

that you didn't
win the race.

So, go ahead.

I'm sorry.

I just really wanted to make
sure that I could be proud of you.

Okay, go!

Wait up, Harper!