03x13 - Eat to the b*at

[bunniefuu]

Please welcome the "Lunchtime
Shakespeare Players".

Beware the Ides of March.

A soothsayer bids you
beware the Ides of March.

Harper, are you almost done?

- Your soup's getting cold.
- Oh, thanks. And, scene.

[crowd boos]

No! It's OK, guys,
I'll be back.

Just, a girl's gotta eat.

Harper, don't take this
the wrong way,

but that was terrible.

Hmm... I took that
the wrong way.

I mean, you don't
even have the rest

of your "Lunchtime
Shakespeare Players."

Yeah, that's 'cause they quit after
you beaned them with croutons yesterday.

[laughs] Oh, yeah.

The only good thing Justin has
done as Student Body President

is add croutons
to the salad bar.

- Oh! That and the tiny tomatoes!
- I like these.

They're so tiny they make me feel
like a giant dinosaur when I eat them.

[both pretend to roar]

- [ring tone plays loud music]
- What is that ring tone?

Oh, it's the band, Ughh.

Drink some water. You've got
something stuck in your throat.

No, no, no.
The name of the band is Ughh.

Wow, it's really stuck in there.
Hands over your head.

Harper, Ughh is
the name of the band.

- Ughh.
- That's right.

- No, this soup is terrible.
- Ughh is awesome.

They dress up like half
Viking and half animal,

and throw chunks of
guts into the crowd.

You know they're playing a
free concert on Waverly Place.

It's gonna be
off the chain.

No, seriously.

They're letting the singer
off of his chain.

OK, I'll go.

It may be the only chance I have
to wear my meat-catching hat.

She has a meat-catching hat?

It's to go with her
potato-skin sweater.

You know
what I'm thinking?

If Justin can organize this
lame "Lunchtime Shakespeare,"

I bet he can get us
lunchtime rock bands.

- That would be awesome.
- Right?

And, hey, you got him elected
as president, so he owes you one.

We should make him do it.

[clears throat]
Hold it right there.

It's a salad bar,
not a crouton bar.

What are you trying to do,
make stuffing?

And get a haircut
while you're at it.

- This is not a surf academy.
- [mouths] What?

Justin, we need
to talk to you

about something bigger
than croutons.

Yeah, you need to get better
lunchtime entertainment.

Harper with a mustache
on a stick...

Isn't cutting it.

We want to have rock
bands play at lunch.

And you should
do it since...

I got you elected.

[clears throat]

You know what?
I will.

Because I am a man
of the people.

[Harper] Beware!
The Ides of March.

And being that man, I don't think I can
put the people through this any longer. No.

That's right, kids.
Lunchtime concerts start today.

You know what I call them?
"Eat to the b*at."

You know it's good,
because it rhymes.

"Lunch While You Munch.

Chew While You Stew".

I got a whole list of them
I could go into.

Oh, Alex. Excuse me.

I got the lunchtime
concerts you asked for.

Who's the best
president ever?

This guy. In the suit.
Right here.

- Oh. OK.
- Yes. Bands!

Mm-hmm. Yep,
it's gonna be awesome.

Twenty-five minutes,
every day, of smooth jazz.

Smooth jazz?!
We asked for rock bands.

- Justin, maybe you don't understand
how politics works. - [gasps]

I got you elected,
you do what I say.

I'm sure it's in that
giant book you're carrying.

What were you doing? This is
not a high school musical.

And, for your information,
this is a cookbook.

Alex told me people would
take me more serious

if I wore a suit and
carried around this bad boy.

- Alex told you that?
- Mm-hmm.

You guys don't
like each other,

but you still do
what she says?

- It's y very complicated relationship.
- [Harper] Justin,

how could you cut the Shakespeare
Lunchtime Players for this?

Today was going
to be all tragedies.

Yet how was I to know that
the grandest tragedy of all

would be before I even
stepped foot on the stage?

Yeah! You see, Justin?

Thou hast
messed up royally.

Yeah, that's right.
that's your Shakespeare junk.

Why didn't you tell me that you had no
intentions of getting the bands we wanted?

- [slow jazz] - [Justin] You
mean like The Burt Parks Trio?

Hey, I delivered
on my promise of music.

But you see, music affects
people's behaviors.

And I've reviewed studies
that state smooth jazz

stimulates the brain and
promotes a happy attitude.

- This is still an outrage.
- [jazz continues]

This music is kinda calming.

If music be the food of love,
I want seconds. Play on.

We need to do something
about this music.

And then her.

- [metal music plays]
- [crowd screaming]

If we get closer, maybe we
can get hit with some guts.

Cool. I haven't been hit with guts since
Dad said he could make his own hot dogs.

This music
is so aggressive.

I kind of like it.

It sounds the way
I feel inside.

Whoa! This is awesome.

This is who we should have
playing at school...

Yes! I caught guts!

Dude, I'd love to see
the look on Justin's face

if this band showed up instead
of those jazz geezers.

That'd be awesome.

We've got to
make that happen.

Now, if only
we knew two girls

with devious enough minds

to come up with a scheme to
get Ughh to play at our school.

Hmm... hmm.

- Hey, I think I see one.
- And I see another one.

Thank you!
That one was called:

You've Got Something
on Your Face.

Play another song!

I need to feel alive!

- Whoo!
- [screams]

Let's go talk to them.

I'd like to buy
one of your CDs.

The loudest, angriest, most
soul-wrenching one you have.

Oh, you want
the Christmas album.

- Ha, ha, ha!
- Ha, ha, ha!

Yeah! Wreck the Halls! Ahh!

Excuse me, Mr. Ughh.

We're doing a benefit at
Tribeca Prep on Wednesday,

and were wondering
if youould play.

A benefit? Pass.

Yeah, it took us a while,
but we finally realized

"benefit" is another word
for "free". So, no.

Guys, guys, hold on...

Alex, it's not a benefit.

- It's a gig.
- A gig?

Oh, it's a gig?

- So we're gonna get paid?
- Do you get paid for gigs?

- Yeah.
- There you go.

Guys, did you hear that?!
We're gonna make rent!

Making the rent
Making the rent!

Yeow!

Nice work. I love it
when people think

they're gonna get paid
and then don't.

Now we just have to get
rid of The Burt Parks Bozos.

Oh, my gosh,
we're this close

from having Justin
crying at school.

And I don't mean
from getting a "B."

- I don't understand.
- [scoffs] Listen, Mr. Parks,

we no longer need you
to play tomorrow.

A family of beavers
ate our school,

- and we're busy rebuilding.
- Beavers?

Yeah, the security
at our school stinks.

[call waiting beeps]

Hang on, I got
another call.

Hello?

Alex, it's Stevie.
Did you call Burt Parks?

Yeah, I told him
it was cancelled.

- So now it's your turn.
- Great. Go get Justin.

OK. Justin, phone!

This is gonna be
so great.

We're gonna get Ughh,
and as a bonus

we might get to see Justin
have an actual conniption.

It's awesome.

At first, it kinda
looks like he's dancing,

and then it takes
a bad turn,

and he just can't
say anything but...

[gurgling]

Justin!

He's coming.

[clears throat]

Student Body President
Russo speaking.

[affected voice] Hello.
This is Mrs. Burt Parks,

manager of
The Burt Parks Trio.

Oh, hey, Gayle.
How's it going?

Gayle. Right.

Um... Listen...

Burt can't make it
tomorrow. Oh!

He ruptured his uvula.

The thing hanging in
the back of your throat?

Sounds good. Yeah.

Gayle...
[clears throat]

I don't think you
can rupture a uvula.

[stammers]

I'm a manager
not a doctor!

[groans] Coming!

Gayle, I...

[call waiting rings]

[clears throat]
Hello?

Hello?

- Who's this?
- This is Burt Parks.

Very funny. Burt Parks
lost his voice.

I know Alex put you
up to this.

I can't believe it. The Burt
Parks Trio just cancelled on me.

Wh...?! [groans]

Oh, no. And I was just
starting to like them.

They were all like:

? Doo doo doo
doo doo doo doo doo ?

Well, too bad.
They're not gonna play.

I've got to find another smooth
jazz band by tomorrow. "S"...

I... I know a smooth jazz band.

I saw them play at a local
smooth jazz place.

Which one?

The... Smootherie.

Oh, cool. They opened
that place back up.

There's a place
called the Smootherie?

Yeah, you were there.

Yeah, no, I know,
that's right. Yeah, I know.

'Cause I like
smooth jazz now.

The band that was playing

sounded just like
The Burt Parks Trio.

- Totally smooth.
- Really? Who are they?

The... Smoother Brothers.

Oh, my gosh.

That's a totally smooth jazz band name.
Do you think we can get them to play?

I think so.
I'll call them later.

Do it now.

'Kay.

It'll be hard to say no
to the Student Body President.

I wear suits and
carry a big book.

Make sure you
work that in.

Speakerphone!

[phone ringing]

- [Stevie] Hello?
- Hi, hello, this is Alex Russo.

I'm calling for
The Smoothers Brothers...

The smooth jazz band.

I have Justin Russo, Student
Body President on speakerphone.

I'm wearing a suit
and carrying a big book.

[affected voice]
Impressive.

So... what can
the Smoothers Brothers

do for you?

Can you play at
Tribeca Prep on Wednesday?

- [mouthing, no audio]
- OK.

- There you go. I got your band.
- Thanks. Oh!

I think telling them I had a
big book really sealed the deal.

[bell rings]

Here. Throw this at my brother
when you see him.

He's the one in the suit.

Hmm... Wow,
you're the first one here.

You really like Ughh.

You know what I like
more than Ughh?

Seeing my brother
panic uncontrollably

and then suddenly getting a big
old meat lump in his face.

Hey, I'm listening
to your song:

Rudolph the Red Nosed Roadkill!

Whoa! Yeah!

Hey, why didn't you guys
wait for me?

Well, last I saw,

you were heading into a wood-shop
to bang a bunch of nails in a board.

Yeah, that's right!

I built three book shelves
and then I busted them apart.

Ah!

Harper, Harper!

I think you need to lay off
the Ughh for a while.

It's making you
a little aggressive.

I'm sorry. The music, it just
pumps me up and I love it!

Ah!

I'm gonna go to the lunch
counter. Who wants meatballs?

I do. Rah!

We should probably
get out of here.

It's not meatball day.

[both laughing]

[shouts]

Alex, you tricked me,
didn't you?

This band isn't going
to play smooth jazz.

Oh, no, no. Come on.

They are totally jazzy.
You're going to love them.

Alex, no smooth jazz band brings an
oil drum filled with soupy, chunky goo.

Listen up, there's
a lot of kids here.

So, for this gig only,

we're not gonna
light our hair on fire.

Alright, maybe
they're not so smooth.

But you shouldn't have taken my
idea and not gone through with it.

You should've gotten
some rock bands.

Oh, so that's
what this is about?

I was trying to use music to
stimulate positive behavior in school.

Music is supposed to be
raucous and loud,

- I'm pulling the plug.
- No, you're not.

Yes, I am, because
I'm the president.

Well, you might be
president of the school,

but I'm president of getting
things I want. And I want this.

Not everything's always
about you, Alex.

Yes, it is.
I'm the one who got you

to wear a suit and
carry a cookbook around.

It was a joke
and so are you.

Whoa, whoa, you guys.

Yov guys...

Alex, I thought this was
just about getting a band.

No. Forget that. Now it's about
him always messing me up.

- [feedback]
- One, two, three, four!

[metal music plays]

[grunts]

[shouting]

I can't wait until
I get you...

[unintelligible gibberish]

Take away all meat
and add some snazz

Turn this noise
into smooth jazz

[slow jazz music plays]

I saw you!
You're a wizard!

- What?
- [Harper] Oh!

I know that was a wand!
I'm gonna go tell Alex.

Simplify your mind,
leave that thought behind

I was going
to say something,

but I don't remember
what it was.

Maybe it was about
the meatballs.

Oh. Yes.

Meatball dress with
spaghetti straps. Thank you.

What's going on?

I don't know.
I had a false conniption.

- These guys are good.
- What?

No, they're not. This is
not supposed to be happening.

You're supposed to be
mad and conniptioning

and eventually crying.

And you're supposed to be...,
[growling]

Well, I'm not doing it.

I don't know how this thing
backfired on you, but I love it.

- Dance with me.
- No! Gross.

Dance with The Smoothers.

You guys look hard,
but rock soft.

You're like cafeteria
Mexican food.

What happened to Ughh?
Did they lame out overnight?

No. I went and asked them
if they knew any smooth jazz.

What?
Why would you do that?

Justin was in mid-connip.

He was about to start
scratching his teeth.

Well, at first it was funny
to mess with Justin,

but then Iaw you guys fighting, and
it seemed like it was going too far.

I mean,
he is your brother.

Yeah, he's my brother.
We fight all the time.

Sometimes I push it
too far.

Sometimes he pushes it too far.
That's how we show we care.

But, if you keep pushing
each other like that,

the caring will go away.

[clicks teeth] No.

We'll always,
like, kinda care.

Look...
I have a brother

and we used to
fight like that.

I didn't think about it
too much, and then...

One day we just
stopped talking.

I don't even know
where he is anymore.

I don't want to see that
happen with you guys.

I guess I wouldn't
want that either.

You know, there's
more to you than I thought.

You're not
just a mean girl.

Yep, there's a lot more
to me than you thought.

You know, he is a dork,

but if he wasn't around, I would
miss seeing stuff like that.

Oh! Meat lump!

[gasps]

[grunting]

[both screaming]

Wherefore art thou Romeo?

[groans] I'm down here my love.

Well... [scoffs] I've been
waiting, like, an hour.

What's up with that?

Did you lose your hourglass
in your other pants?

My dad said not to date a
Montague and I was like...

[scoffs] "Lay off, old man,"
but, maybe, he was right.

Really? This is what
you're like?

You're just another stuck-up rich
chick from the Upper West Side.

[Harper groans]

Music.

Oh, Romeo. You have come.

[stammers] I might have just
ruined it for everyone.