03x17 - Alex's Logo

[bunniefuu]

Thank you. Who's next in line
to buy one of my T-shirts? Hi.

Any one.

There's only three.

Oh, my gosh. Dude,
you're taking forever.

You get a sticker on
the forehead. Go! Next!

- [Alex] Hi.
- Max, what's going on here?

Alex just released her
Punk Dollhouse T-shirt.

I've seen that logo. She put
stickers up all over campus.

- sh**t, she even put one up in
the boys' bathroom. - Correction.

I put that up
in the boys' bathroom.

I also have my
part-time job there.

I hand out mints and towels
to the football team.

It's weird, sometimes
I gotta tell 'em,

"Mints you eat,
towels you rub."

[clears throat] Alex, I need
to speak with you right now.

Busy. Look, dude,
I don't have change for that.

You're gonna have
to buy two extra T-shirts.

- [laughs] Okay. Goodbye. Next!
- One second, you guys. Right there.

Alex, you're selling your product on
school property, which is my jurisdiction.

So I'm gonna have to suggest that you
pay a mandatory percent allowance tax

to the Student Collective Activities
Movement, the S.C.A.M., SCAM.

That's not a real thing.

It has an acronym.
It's a real thing.

Your money is gonna go
to great school causes.

You have nothing
to worry about.

Fine, I'll give
the school a cut.

Oh, how generous. You really
didn't have to do that.

Just kidding, you did.
Sha-boom!

Thank you.

Excuse me, I'd love to buy one
of these shirts I'm wearing.

- You want a different color or
something? - No, same color.

This is my frontwards shirt.
I need a backwards one

for those days when I want
to wear the logo on the back.

All right, Max. You do realize that
you could just turn the shirt...

All right. That'll be
ten bucks. Thank you.

Ah, Russo. Pull up
a stump and zip it.

I have something
to tell you.

Something important
that befuddles me.

[laughs] "Befuddles."

Sounds like a word you'd say
if you're wearing suspenders.

Ah.

The committee and I met last night to decide
who deserves this year's Citizenship Award.

We added up the facts,
and it seems that you've won.

No thanks, Lar. I don't need
a Citizenship Award.

- I'm already American.
- No, it's an award given

to the student who's done
the most for her school.

[laughing] I've done
the most to the school.

The fact is,
you're a cheerleader,

you painted
the school mural,

you turned the
HappHelpers Club around,

and now you're a major financial
contributor to the school.

The committee and I
congratulate you.

This is your letter
of authenticity.

Look, I'm not really
interested in awards

unless there's a cash gift,

coffee card, a little
something for the effort.

The student body president will
present the award at the next assembly.

My brother has to
give me my award?

In front of the whole school?

It's a devilish smile. I'm in.

Mom? Dad?
I have a letter.

Ooh! Is it from Harper?
I miss her so much.

Me, too. It's not fair her
parents have her visiting them.

- She's really ours now.
- No. It's from Mr. Laritate.

- I'll read it.
- [sighs]

Several paragraphs.

You read it.

[humming] "Congratulations.
Your daughter, Alex Russo,

has been chosen to receive
this year's Citizenship Award."

- [gasps]
- Aren't you guys proud of me?

I am. This is the most authentic
forgery you've done yet.

And look! She even spelled
"citizenship" correctly.

It's spelled correctly,
isn't it?

Citizenship Award? No way,
I'm a shoo-in for that award.

I mean, I already bragged about it to
everyone during my chess club physical.

It's a sport.
It requires a physical.

Actually, Mr. Laritate said
that it was my generous donation

from my T-shirt sales
that put me over the top.

- Ah! - Justin didn't want
me to donate, but I insisted.

You!

She must have used magic to
get that award. I mean, come on!

Oh! No, no, no.
I didn't use magic.

Apparently, I participate
in school now.

Okay? The school mural,
cheerleading, Happy Helpers.

And, you know, the unofficial
activities that nobody knows about.

Okay, I got it! I'm gonna prove
she's a liar with a truth spell.

That'll fix everything. Show
you're a liar. [clears throat]

Don't let Alex be a liar.

The truth,
the truth is on fire.

- All right, let's test it out.
- Mmm-hmm.

Alex, who ate the tres leches
cake out of the refrigerator?

Dad did. And he gave me
. not to tell anybody.

- Jerry!
- Well, that's the going rate

for lying about
something that I ate.

- Did you use magic to win the award?
- No.

I used no magic whatsoever

to persuade Mr. Laritate
to give me this award.

She really is
telling the truth!

Wow. I never thought
I'd see my daughter

with a halo on her head.

I want you all to be there
when I get my award.

Yeah, no way.
I'm not going.

Can you read the second
to last sentence, please?

Yes, I can read the
second to last sentence.

"The student body president
will be there

to present your award..."
Student body president?!

That's me! I'm not going!

[moans] I have to,
I was elected!

I'm going for the people!

Not you!

Hello, Mr. Laritate. You want
to know why I'm dressed like this

for the Citizenship
Award ceremony?

Because this award
shouldn't be taken seriously.

And nothing says, "Don't take
me seriously," like a surfer.

- [clears throat]
- [applause]

- Shh...
- [applause stops]

Good morning,
dudes and dudettes.

Citizenship Award.
Sounds like a big deal, wow.

Like, totally
wicked sick, right?

Not right. One word:

Overrated.

A person who accepts an award
like this can only be described

as "self-absorbed."

Now, without further ado,
Citizenship Award winner, Alex Russo.

- [exhales]
- [scattered applause]

Well, thank you, Justin.

You know, I wrote something
really nice for this,

but then I saved my gum in it.
So I'm just gonna wing it.

There are a lot of people
in here I'd like to thank.

I'm gonna start
with August Salvatore,

for having a first name
that's a month,

and a last name
that sounds like spit.

[whooping, shouting]

Jerry, did anyone remember to
take the truth spell off of her?

And I would like to thank the "whoo" girls
for making the rest of us look like geniuses.

[all] Whoo!

Yeah, exactly.

What in the pico de gallo
is she doing?

Just giving a few simple
thank you's. Just let her talk.

Ah! Mrs. Fleckenstein.

Let me take the
pressure off of you.

See, nobody is
talking about your wig.

We're all talking about
your sideburns.

[laughing]

Let's get out of here.

- She knows a lot of stuff about us.
- Right.

Daddy,
where are you going?

Oh, that's right. You've always
had such a teeny-tiny bladder.

[girls] Whoo!

[stammering]
It's true.

I go more frequently
than a normal man.

- Jerry!
- It's...

And John Bender,
on the wrestling team.

Let's take minutes to discuss
why you don't have a neck.

[laughter]

[Alex laughs]
Okay, you guys get the point.

- Oh, and last but not least...
- Is it over already?

Did you get Ken over there,
hiding behind the lockers? He's...

I would like
to thank Mr. Laritate,

for putting the "suspense"
in "suspenders."

I mean, come on.

When are those
babies gonna give?

Citizenship Award winner,
everyone, Alex Russo.

Hey, hey, August. August.

Look, about what I said.
I'm really, really sorry...

That you can't
handle the truth.

Hey, guys.

People, why are you
trashing my T-shirts?

What...?

Okay.

Are you guys ignoring me

because you're planning
a surprise party for me?

No.

Oh, here's some more shirts.

Justin, what's going on?
Why isn't anyone talking to me?

I don't know.
Maybe you should ask somebody.

Oh, wait,
there is nobody around here!

They wouldn't
answer you anyway.

Okay, fine, I'll give you a hint.
You broke me down. You're good.

Here's the hint:
they hate you.

Wait, look. I know I
always act like I don't care,

but that's really just a defense mechanism
to hide my desire to really be liked.

Finally,
the truth comes out.

Oh, my gosh! The truth spell
is still on me! Take it off!

All right, fine.
I think it served its purpose.

sh**t, the only person you
haven't made fun of is me.

Too late. Truth, truth, she used to
know, now she becomes the old Russo.

I'm not supposed to talk to you.

But I've never been one
to follow the herd.

So what do you say we
mosey into my office

and strap on the old feedbag?

Thank you, Mr. Laritate.

But we don't really have to
eat out of feed bags, do we?

Not if it makes you
feel uncomfortable.

They teach you
that the truth is good,

and then when you
say the truth,

everybody gets offended.

I mean, if you don't want anybody
talking about your sideburns,

then don't have 'em, lady.

Here's your tea.
Just how you like it.

Seems like this "whole
school hating you thing"

is really
getting your goat.

I wish I had a goat.

They come in handy
for eating containers

that you're
trying to hide

because you ate something
you weren't supposed to eat.

Can we stick to
my problem, please?

Yes, of course.

I like it
when I ignore people,

but it doesn't feel so good
when they ignore me.

It kinda stings
a little, don't it?

Yep, that's why I joined
the Square Dance Society.

Those people have
to talk to you. [laughs]

And, if they refuse,
there's always the caller.

When he says
"allemande left,"

he's talking to me.

- What are you saying?
- I'm saying you should consider

signing up for the
Square Dance Society.

[scoffs] I don't think a do-si-do
is gonna turn my life around.

Look, Russo, high school
is just a series of horrible,

gut-wrenching events.
Soon, it'll be someone else.

Yours is just
the scandal of the day.

I'm sure
it'll all blow over.

Yeah. Yeah, you're
probably right.

Hey.

I heard everyone's
ignoring you at school.

I don't know whether to say
"I'm sorry" or "Congratulations."

It's bad, Mom.
What should I do?

Oh...

I wouldn't know. I was
wildly popular in high school.

But let me
give it a sh*t.

How about you approach
the most popular girl,

and ask her to get
everyone to like you?

Because that girl was me,

and I could get everyone
to do whatever I said.

So that's what you gotta do.
Find the me of your school.

I am raising myself.

Listen, be nice
to your sister, okay?

The kids at school
still aren't talking to her.

And, just so you know,
that never happened to me.

It's actually funny.

I'm counting on
no one talking to her.

I've got all these
tied-up T-shirts

that I'm gonna sell,
so people can throw them at her.

Wait, that's
what we're doing?

I thought we were
gonna tie-dye them.

Look, Justin, people
are really mad at her.

Therefore, I'm increasing
my riches by using my riches

to gain more riches.
You know what I'm saying?

I'm gonna tie-dye
this one, anyway.

It's already balled up
and I'm excited for it.

And I have no idea
what you're saying.

[cell phone rings]

- You gonna get that?
- No.

I never answer that guy.

He keeps prank calling me.
Some guy named "Text."

I answered it once 'cause I
thought it was my buddy, Tex,

but there was nobody there.

Mr. Laritate,
"Text" isn't a person.

It's a text message.

- Oh!
- Look.

When somebody wants
to talk to you,

but doesn't have
the energy to speak,

they type it and then
send it to your phone. See?

Oh. That way it's harder for
the person you're sending it to

- to talk back to you.
- Yep.

Finally, a way to
communicate with my mother.

[laughs]

I got me a case
of keyboard courage.

[beeps]

[cell phone beeps]

Ooh, a text. This is
my first one in a week.

Maybe somebody's done something
more embarrassing than what I did.

Oh, here's
the embarrassing part.

Who would name
their kid Hershel? [laughs]

Floyd and Naomi Laritate.

I sent you that text.

Oh.

I figured we're
good enough friends now.

We can be on a
first-name basis.

I'm on a first-name basis
with the school principal?

[shudders] This
is just too weird.

- I'm sorry, Mr. Laritate.
- Hershel.

Hershel...

I know you told me to be
patient, but it's been a week.

Nobody's done
anything embarrassing,

and now you're my best friend.

No, no, no.
Call me BFF.

That's a quicker way to say
"best friend forever" in a text.

I think I just invented that.

- There she is! Get her!
- [all shouting]

Okay! Okay, fine. Yes.

I know I said some things that I shouldn't
have said, but I can't take them back.

I thought you guys would
forget about it by now, but...

Gosh, I can't believe this is still
the biggest thing going on in school.

Got dollars in my
pocket that believes it.

Who wants another throw at her?

- A dollar a sh*t! Move!
- [all shouting]

- Boom! Boom!
- Or who wants to tie-dye?

I'm having so much fun.

Mr. Laritate,
when is this gonna end?

Right now, friend.

- [feedback]
- [clears throat]

Attention, please.

No one should be mean
to my BFF...

- [groans]
- ...Alex Russo.

You don't have to have lunch
with her. I've got that covered.

But some idle chitchat and
texting would be appreciated.

Oh, here's a tip.
Instead of saying "Got to go,"

you can text "G,"
the number two,

and then another "G."

Get it?

- You just made it worse.
- Attention, everyone.

The price has gone up
to three dollars for a throw

- at the principal's BFF.
- [laughing]

- I'll fix this.
- No, please.

Goodness, no,
not another announcement.

[country music plays]

Promenade left.

Circle right.

Do-si-do.

Half promenade.

Whoop, just half.

Get geeked up. Do the Jerk.

- Do the Jerk.
- [laughing]

Stanky leg.

Freestyle.

Mr. Laritate's dancing!
How embarrassing!

That is embarrassing.
Let's throw our shirts at him.

All right,
detention for all of you.

- [all groan]
- You too, Russo.

But I didn't throw a shirt.

I saw you.

Thank you.

Mom, why are you
dressed like that?

I was thinking about your
problem with your friends.

I was so wildly
popular back then,

I bet I'm still as
wildly popular now.

So why don't I just
go to your school,

pretend to be a student,
and tell everyone to like you?

Mom, you do realize
that if you go to my school

looking like that, no one
will ever talk to me again.

You just don't understand
wild popularity, that's all.

- Daddy!
- Your mother was the first girl

admitted to a formerly
all-boys high school.

It wasn't too hard
to be wildly popular.