03x18 - Dad's Buggin' Out

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Wizards of Waverly Place". Aired: October 12, 2007 - January 6, 2012.*
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Alex and her two brothers Justin and Max come from a long line of wizards and must master their newly learned powers or lose them forever.
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03x18 - Dad's Buggin' Out

Post by bunniefuu »

Ugh. What's the alien
word for "soup"?

Oh, soup? Uh...

For aliens, soup is a really
complicated concept.

It's a food that
you drink and chew.

Which is crazy. Crazy.

Can yoplease tell me what the
point of Alien Language League is?

It's like, if aliens come to
Earth, they should just speak Earth.

Alex, clubs provide
a positive environment

for people with
like interests.

Which is why I joined
Alien Language League.

You don't like
alien language.

Nope.

But I like Zeke.

Uh-uh! No.

Hey, you wanna-be-aliens
leave my friend alone.

She's the only one who sees
through me and sticks around.

Relax, Alex. I'm just
helping them plan their banquet.

Why do people make such big
deals out of banquets?

It's like,
"Hey, let's all sit around

and listen to stupid speeches while
we all eat the same exact meal."

I like eating the same
as everyone else.

That way I never feel bad
about ordering wrong.

Well, I mean, I'd be okay with it
if we all ate my favorite meal.

Biscuits and loose corn.

Loose corn?

[scoffs] It's just called corn.

I like it cut off the cob.
Cobs are too heavy.

Eighty percent of the weight you're
picking up you're not even eating.

Okay, every year the Alien
Language League hands out

the Lifetime Achievement Award
to a graduating senior.

And I have it on good authority
that I have it in the bag.

This year it really will
be the best year ever...

...for me!

Plus, we got Joey
"The Crepe Kid," coming in.

He's the youngest
crepe chef in the city.

He makes crepes from all around
the world. It's gonna be...

...crepe-tacular.

You know, Zeke. You are so
cute when you're easily excited.

But I'm always easily excited.

I know.

And guys, guess what? The banquet
is gonna be here in the Sub Shop,

so the whole family can come.

Mm-hmm, yeah. I don't need to
know when it is, because I'm busy.

No, because I checked your calendar and
you've got no plans for the next years.

Ha. I don't have a calendar.

Ha! People who don't have
calendars also don't have plans.

Owned! So hard!
Owned!

Yeah, sometimes he wins.

Hey, you're grouchy.

Your hands smell
like delicious chocolate.

Dad, pocket elves can't fly.

Oops.

Alex, how many times
do I have to tell you

to keep the portal door closed?!

At least one more?

We can't have Wizard World creatures
drifting in here all the time.

It gets so stuy in here.

Mostly because our lair
is inside a produce locker

where you don't throw out vegetables
until they start growg other vegetables.

Hey, we haven't paid for
mushrooms in over ten years.

You see!
You let a wizard bug in.

- Get the door!
- Get...

What...?!

Oh! I need a bigger broom.
One that stays together.

Where'd it go?

Dad. Don't move.
It's on your back.

Come on, get it!
Oh, not with that!

You're gonna k*ll
the bug and me!

Ow! It bit me!

It's dead.

Now it's a stain.
[chuckles]

Oh, it really hurts.

Did it leave a mark?

Oh... no.
You can't even see i

I'll go get
my magnifying glass,

'cause I, I don't even
know where the bite is.

You ve a popcorn machine
in your locker?

- Where do you keep your books?
- In your locker.

I have a locker?
You said only girls get them.

lien accent] Attention...
citizens of Tribeca Prep.

Do not be alarmed
for we come in peace.

[alien aent] Ahh. We have traveled
the far reaches of the galaxy

to deliver you
a special message.

- Special.
- Oh!

[alien accent] Tonight all members of
the Alien Language League are required

to report to a secret
last minute location...

...the Waverly Sub Station.

Oh... Waverly...

Wheryou will enjoy the finestal,

including crepes
made by Joey The Crepe Kid.

- Joey!
- [crowd] Yeah!

- Yeah!
- Whoo!

- All right!
- Joey!

- That went well.
- Yes, it did. [clears throat]

[normal voice] Well... We now return
you to your regularly scheduled classes.

All right.

Thank you, you're great.

Hey, guys. If Joey The Crepe Kid
is in, MacGruder is in.

This totally tops
the Math Club's taco bar.

- Yeah. Tacos are gross.
- Yes! Math? Losers.

What's a taco?

Alex, all these alien theatrics
have given me an idea.

I'm going totart
an alien language club.

That's what this is.
Alien Language League.

Don't tell them what I'm doing
or they're gonna copy me.

They're already doing it.

Not if I do it first.

May the best club win.

You are a delight.

Zeke, that was great!

I'm so glad we kept
that smoke machine

from our failed
DJ business.

I still think
ZJ the DJs can work.

Wikki-wikki. Me, too.

Dude! You think I can use it when I
accept my Lifetime Achievement Award?

Right on. You, sir, are my
bro-dre from another mo-dre.

You cannot tell that you're still
into Zeke after that nerd circus.

Uh... Excuse me,

Joey The Crepe Kid,
where is your sign?

When people walk into places
they like big signs

tell them
what's going on.

Nah. I think it's pretty
self-explanatory, Mrs. Russo,

When people walk up
my crepe station

and see what's going on.
I'm just sayin'.

You know. [clicks]

Are you setting up here some
sort of pumpkin carving booth?

We need a sign. Just sayin'.

Hey, Mom. I'm having my new
Alien Language Club over later.

Max, honey, we're having a
banquet for Alien Language League.

Nice! Thank you
for your support.

Hey, Joey, lookin' good.

Lookin' good.

You, uh, you need a hand,
you know, chef to chef?

- Where's the other chef?
- Hey, come on.

What's wrong with your hand?

[stammers] Uh, nothing.

Nothing's wrong. I just
have a skin condition

that flares up every
once in a while and, um...

- I don't moisturize enough.
- Moisturize.

Dad, you're turning
into a bug.

I know. I think it's because
I got bit by a wizard bug

when Alex left
the portal door open.

You're gonna lose control
and run around all crazy.

You've seen what the bugs do
when you turn the lights on.

They lose control and
run around all crazy.

I'm just gonna find something
to cover my hand with.

With what?! They don't
make roach mittens!

I'm sure it'll be fine. He'll
be back to normal in no time.

What? Oh!

This place is disgusting.

That's the biggest
bug I ever seen.

- [Jerry gasping]
- [Joey whistles] Get the car goin'!

Jerry, are you in here?

Bright lights! [shouts]

My husba's a bug.

I should have married
Marty Stoller.

I'd be a dentist's wife.

First we lose Joey
The Crepe Kid and now this?

This is not the proper atmosphere in which
to receive the Lifetime Achievement Award.

Dad's a bug? I get
to flick him first!

I'm so sorry, Justin.

But we can't
have people here

while your Dad is
flitting around like crazy.

Even if we try to lock him up,

he'll eat his way
through the door.

He already can eat his way through
take-out containers with human teeth.

We're gonna have
to cancel the banquet.

[scoffs] Not my banquet!

LookSome confusing
stuff's going on.

We all need to make
some sacrifices.

Say we cancel Justin's banquet.

Mine will go on.

We are not cancelling
the banquet.

Come on.
We're the Russos.

We can't let something small
like Dad turning into

a life-sized,
disgusting roach

ruin Justin's senior year
moment. We are the Russos!

- No matter how many times you say "We are
the Russos... - [whispers] Ware the Russos.

...you can't hide the fact this is
another of my senior year moments

- that you wanna see wrecked.
- [whispers] We're the Russos.

Unlike you,

I'm only going to have
one seni year moment,

so I'm trying to get this
one ght. Don't say it!

And I am gonna make sure

that you get your
senior year moment, Justin.

This is just a little bug bite.

I'm sure I can
control myself.

Dad! I don't know how many times
I'm gonna tell you,

it's not a bite.
You're a dirty, nasty bug.

Hey! That is no way to talk
to your exoskeleton father!

Okay, I don't know what we're gonna
do, 'cause these things last da.

Hey! I still have my face.

Uh, here's an idea, I'll just
throw on an overcoat and a top hat

and I'll, I'll just...
blend right in.

Jerry, you're not
gonna blend right in.

You need to stay up in the lof
until thishing runs its course.

Great. Are we voting?

'Cause I like the idea of the top
hat and overcoat. Who's with me?

Okay, okay. I'll stay upstairs.

If someone tapes a spatula
to mclaw,

and someone else catches
the goo falling from my face,

I'm pretty sure
I can make the crepes.

Dibs on catching the goo.

Thank you so much for coming to
my club. It really means a lot.

Thank you for joining. Always
a pleasure to see you, buddy!

Ha-ha! Thank you for coming.

Thank you so much
for joining my club.

Wow. Look how many people
showed up for my club.

It's very humbling.

- [mouths] Little. Louder. - Excuse
me, can I have your attention please?

[clears throat] Excuse me,

if you could please just...
If your attention...

Could you just focus...
on me foa second?

That would be good.

I think I can help.

Listen up, people!

I know where all
of you live, so...

or I'll make a guest appearance in
each and every one of your nightmares!

Have aice banquet!

Okay, welcome to this year's
Alien Language League banquet.

- [Zeke] Great.
- Where isoey The Crepe Kid?

His crepes are the only reon

I spent $ on an Alien
Language dictionary.

We have something even better
than Joey The Crepe Kid.

Why don't you sit on down?

Go check on the crepes.

My banquet,
my problem.


In the meantime,
our sci-fi movie scene players

are gonna come up and perform

one of the greatest

alien sces of all time,

E.T. Raids the Refrigerator.

- [gasps] Huh? Oh, man.
- [crowd murmurs]

- Come on.
- Oh, man, exciting.

Okay, here's the last
batch of crepes.

Oh, there you go.

Yosee what we can do
when we work together?

Yeah. See what I can do while you
yell, "Faster, faster, faster!"

Look, somebody has to be
the yeller.

Guys, are my crepes ready yet? My
club meers are getting... [gasps

Jerry, please don't tell me
you just ate all the crepes?!

I vomited acid all over them,

and when they liquefied
I slurped them up.

Yeah, that's pretty much
how you normally eat.

I don't think this is gonna
fly with my club mbers.

They made it obvious
they're expecting crepes.

Well, was expecting this whole thing
to blow up down there, not up here.

This is kind of taking
all the fun t of it, though.

I guess I'll help.

I'll be right here.

Good by... E.T]

[both] And scene.

Yeah, okay.
Wacka-wacka whatever.

All right, bravo. This is
a great banquet so far, huh?

All right, why don't we just get right
to the Lifetime Achievement Award?

Wait, we're supposed to eat first.
Okay, where are those crepes?

When I say "crepes,"
you say "Oop-blopp!"

- Crepes! Crepes!
- Oop-blopp. Oop-blopp.

Look! Unless you'll settle for some
tortillas and some powdered sugar,

- you're not getting any crepe
- [all groaning]

Instead, we are having

biscuits and lose corn.

What's going on?

Dad ate all the crepes.

[whispers] No. I mean,
why are you helping me?

Well, first of a,
this is an opportunity

for me to get some
scuitsnd loose corn.

- No, there was just one reason.
- Good.

So, biscuits, loose corn,
and this lame entertainment?

This is the worst banquet ever.

I'm hungry and am angry.

I'm "hangry."

No, no, no!
Wait. Don't leave.

Forget it, Alex.
It's over.

I'm not gonna get
my Lifetime Achievent Award.

Thanks a lot

Look, besidethe fact that
every guy in here cares more

about having crepes
than having girlfriends,

this is the wrong version
offending badly I had in mind.

If I'm not gonna get my way, at
least you should get your way.

- Harper. [clicks tongue]
- Hey!

Everybody sit down now!

Oh. Wow. Now I've got
to think of something.

Okay, everyone. We have
a very special guest.

Thank you for that
warm introduction, Alex.

Not you.
[mouths] Sit dow

We can't do this.
Dad's a wizard bug.

No, no, no! It's okay.

We'll show people something completely
crazy and they try to make sense of it.

Hey, everybody! It's an alien
from the Guaga galaxy!

Like that.

Great costum

What did you make
the face goo out of?

Oh, don't tell me. I don't
want to spoil the illusion.

And, and he came in peace.

- Oh!
- Of course he did.

The inhabitants of the Guaga
galaxy have been non-vaulent

since the females moved
to the southern hemisphere.

Yeah.

- And he came to entertain you.
- Oh!

With impressions.

The Guagians are
amazing at impressions.

I'm not good
at impressions.

Say anything. They're nerds. They don't
want to admit they don't get something.

Ahh, ahh...

How do you, everybody?

It's Woody, from Toy Story!

Look at the viscosity
of his face acid.

That what happens
to the Guagians

in Earth's
extreme temperatures.

Yeah, that's exactly
right, Zeke.

Notice, everyone notice,

his authentic spatula claw.

[whispers] Why didn't you
remove his spatula claw?

Yeah, no, that's not
just any spatula.

That's an intergalactic spatula.

I can't believe
they're buying this.

- They are your people.
- Yeah.

First, I'd like to apologize
for the la of crepes.

I was hungry from my long
journey and I culdn't help myself.

Okay. So, without further ado,

I would like to
present this year's

alien language league,
Lifetime Achievement Award,

to someone who
was smart enough

to get in contact to my people
and have me to here tonight:

Justin Russo!

- Thank you so much.
- Justin Russo?

I was robbed!

Wow! What a way to go
out in my senior year.

I totally wasn't
expecting is.

I mean, really.

I absolutely wasn't.

[exhales] I guess I'd
just like to say thank you

to each and every one of
you that voted for me.

And to those of
you that didn't...

I really would like
to send a shout out

right up there to my sister

for making this truly, truly

the most memorable senior
year moment that...

...I'll ever have.

And please don't
let me have another.

Okay, round two of
biscuits and loose corn.

- Hey, where did everybody go?
- Uh-uh. That's for me.

Here, set it down. Go get me Dad's
big spoon. I can't get enough of this.

I don't care
about the food.

- I'm just happy that I got my trophy.
- [sloshing sounds]

[belches] Uh-oh.

Dad!

You melted my trophy!

[stammers] I was just

trying to read the engraving.
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