03x21 - Delinquent Justin

[bunniefuu]

Now, let's get
out there and walk."

Justin, are you sure you don't
want to do my graduation speech?

It goes like this...

"Later, losers."

There he is.
Our graduating senior.

We got you some graduation
presents, sweetie.

Thank you, Mom, but shouldn't
you wait to give me this until after I graduate?

Don't be ridiculous.

You're the only one of our kids
who we know is gonna make it through high school.

We're excited.

- It's a new briefcase!
- Aww, thank you.

Although, technically,
it's called an attaché case.

We know, honey. We just didn't
want you running around saying, "Attaché. Attaché."

Well, you know, I got Justin
a graduation present, too.

Yeah, sure you did.
Good one, sweetie.

Um, I think
she's serious, you guys.

Then we gotta
get out of here.

My eyebrows just grew back
from her last gift. Come on.

Can you believe them?

Assuming I'm about to
do something so bad they had to leave the room?

Harper, sit down.

OK, now this
is a little tricky

because my gift is not something
that technically can be wrapped.

Oh my gosh. It is fire.

Stop, drop and roll!
Stop, drop and roll!

Wait, come on.
Harper, you guys, hear me out.

- OK, my gift to you...
- Hmm.

...is that, four years ago,
I used magic to create a duplicate of you

- and I sent him off to college.
- What?

- Yeah, and he's about to graduate.
- What?!

So, basically, I just saved
you from like four more years of school.

What?!?!

I have to agree with Justin
on this one. What?!

Alex, why would you make
a duplicate of me?

I was actually looking
forward to the next four years of college.

I was finally gonna try
that notebook paper with the skinnier lines.

I did this because family
is important to me, Justin.

I'm so sorry for wanting to do
something nice for my brother.

Oh, family
is important to you?

I needed a heartwarming
lead in. I don't...

Harper, would you please tell
Justin that he's overreacting

and this is actually
a good thing?

It is a good thing.
I can use the new Justin

to make Zeke and the old Justin
jealous. Then they can fight...

...over me.

I don't think it's gonna
work. I think the old Justin heard me.

Look, Justin,
it will be fine, OK?

Once your duplicate comes,
I'll put your brains back together,

and you can keep all of his
memories plus a college degree

without having
to go away to college.

Everything is going
according to plan.

And how can you be
so sure about that?

Because I kept a scrapbook
of all of your duplicate's accomplishments

over the past four years.

If you think your high school
experience was impressive,

wait till you see
what you did in college.

OK, you made straight A's
every semester.

Big deal.
I always get straight A's.

You were voted Most
Analytical Brain by the Intramural Chess Team.

I was? You know
that award is special

because it comes from your
peers, which is...

You know what?
Maybe this isn't bad.

Maybe you're right. Maybe
this is a good thing after all.

I knew that chess thing
would change your mind.

There's actually nothing else
in this scrapbook.

Nope. Nothin'. Nothin'.

Jerry, I've been thinking.

Is it about eating
or ways to save money?

Please say, "Eating!"
Please say, "Eating!"

It's about
being better parents.

Oh, well, that's not
as interesting to me, but... go ahead.

You know how we never make it
to the kids' school functions

in time to sit
in the auditorium?

And we always end up sitting
in the overflow section,

watching on a video monitor with
the rest of the bad parents?

That school
has an auditorium?

Well, I thought it would
be nice if we really tried

to make it to Justin's
graduation ceremony on time.

That's a great idea, honey.
Because we're better than those other bad parents.

And getting there on time
is just the way to prove it to them.

Exactly.

And everyone knows the best
thing about being good parents

is getting to tell as many
people about it as possible.

Hi. We'll walk you out.
We're about to be really great parents.

Their school
has an auditorium.

I don't know how I'm
supposed to do this, Alex.

I've never met a duplicate
of myself before.

Just relax. It'll be fine.

But what do I say to him?
Do I shake his hand

or do I do that thing
like we're both looking in the mirror?

He's you, Justin. Just do
what you would want someone to do to you.

In that case, I'll compliment
him on his ascot.

What's an ascot?

Come on,
it's a silk man scarf

that cartoony millionaires
wear around their necks.

Usually they're on boats.
Which is...

- Is he here yet?
- Harper, what are you wearing?

This is a college man
we're talking about, Alex.

I had to choose something
from my mature collection.

Well, does that dress come
with a horse and buggy?

It's parked out back,
and someone isn't getting a ride in it.

Oh, my gosh.
Look. Here I come.

Aw, man,
I'm not wearing an ascot.

[sighs] All right.
Let's do this.

He's not doing it.

Oh, I get it.
Tai chi, man.

He is wearing a fancy man scarf,
but on his head.

And it's a bandana.

But why would I wanna
hide my hair?

Oh my gosh. I've stopped
conditioning regularly.

Justin, wait up.

Don't call me Justin.

I only go by my spirit name,
Bursting Eagle.

OK, Exploding Bird,

Uh, I think that there
is someone you should meet.

All right, fine, if that's
why you called me down here.

But I think there's someone
that you should meet: your inner self.

No thanks. I'm good with
my outer self.

- In the meantime...
- What happened to you?

College. It changed me.

I took an Introductory
Philosophy course

and I realized that there
are much more important things in life

than being a know-it-all.

[scoffs] Name one!

Uh, the stark beauty
of silence, man.

What are you
talking about...?

Shhh.

There it is.

It's beautiful.
It kind of breaks my heart too.

I... I...

Look, I don't know why
you are acting like this.

OK, you were given awards
from the chess team.

No, no, no. Society does not
determine my value. This does.

A dirty, leather necklace?

No. I was pointing
to my heart.

I determine
what's important to me.

No, no, no. I determine
what's important to you.

You're supposed to be at
college, having the experiences that I've always dreamed about.

Well maybe it's time you started
dreaming with this, man.

My heart?

No, I'm talking about this
dirty leather dreamcatcher.

Alex, I need to speak to you
real quick for one minute!

Hey, where are you guys going?
Secrets are for people who have something to hide.

Look what you've done!
I am a total mess.

This guy is a total mess.
I am a total mess.

Relax, man.

Oh, don't you start now.

Don't worry.

Look, we'll recombine the two
of you. That'll get rid of him.

But you'll get to keep all
of his knowledge and memories.

All right!
Just get him into the Lair!

Alex, part of your gift was
recombining us and you didn't even look that up?

Well, four years ago
I thought I would have learned a lot more by now.

So excuse me
for sh**ting too high.

Wait a minute.
Here's something.

What is it?

It's a spell to duplicate money.

Why has that not been
a wizard lesson?

- Alex!
- Sorry.

Why isn't he helping?

Helping people's
a weakness, man.

It means you're trying
to fill a void in your own life.

Or you're like
just too tired or something.

You know, I was rethinking you,
but now I'm gonna go back to what I originally thought.

You're a dirty creep.

And your honesty
is like a ray of sunshine.

- Awww.
- Ohhh.

Wait! Here it is! OK.

OK.

Two of him aren't twice as fun.
Turn these Justins back to one.

[zapping]

Huh. Look at that.
It worked.

And to think, this is
usually around the time

when things take an unexpected
turn for the worse.

It's nice to have
you back, Justin.

- Yeah?
What's so great about it? - Excuse me?

What's so great about anything
in this crazy, mixed-up world we're living in, man?

Oh, no.

I don't care about
graduating high school,

and I don't care
about aliens or robots,

and [scoffs] I sure
n't care about grades.

[Alex scoffs] I agree.

Grades are just a way of telling
you how you're doing in school.

And I don't think
that's anyone's business.

Exactly. You get it.

Because participating in grades
gives The Man permission to judge you.

And nobody judges me.

Until the th, when I
audition for Oklahoma!.

Why is he acting like this?
He'll never get a part in Oklahoma!.

I guess when we put him back
together with his duplicate,

he kept his duplicate's
personality and doesn't really care about anything.

Now, now hold on there. I care
about a lot of things, man.

Like the hot asphalt
of the open road, OK,

suede, all right,
tasseled jackets.

Yeah.
Well, that's about it.

Oh. No, don't forget
the stark beauty of silence.

There. That's it.

OK, if this is what
college guys are like, I'm dating a m*llitary man.

I kind of like
this new Justin.

He's not so uptight
about everything, and so annoyingly positive.

So you're not gonna
do anything to fix this?

Haven't I done enough?

[Mr. Laritate]
Ah, Justin, there you are.

Just wanted to let
you know how excited I am

to hear exactly what you've
got in store for everyone with your big graduation speech.

Oh, I'm gonna deliver a speech,
all right, el Jefe...

...that's gonna rock the flimsy
foundation of this school.

Who told you
about our flimsy foundation?

Look, you can either have
our music department or ructural safety,

but you can't have both!

Alex, there's something wrong
with your brother.

He keeps saying all this crazy
stuff, like he wants to look for America.

And that love can't exist
without hate. What does that even mean?

Zeke, maybe you should
give this new Justin a chance.

Who knows,
you might actually like him.

Are you serious?

He's running around,
giving everyone spirit names.

I refuse to be addressed
as Bouncing Chipmunk.

Where would he get
that idea? Where?! Where would he get that?!

Where?!

And now everyone wants
to hear what he has to say for his big speech.

Everyone? Don't you think
that's a bit of an exaggeration?

Is it?

Chanting makes it important.

[all] Chanting
makes it important!

Chanting makes it important!

Oh my gosh. He's right.

Chanting does make things
sound important.

[makes rooster-like call]

Hey, Alex, check it out.

I'm helping Zeke come up
with a back-up graduation speech

for when Justin's speech
turns into one of those annoying chants.

As it turns out,
channg doesn't make stuff sound important.

It's just a less
lonely way to complain.

That's why we're
writing our own speech.

It's about how sidekicks
and followers are cool.

You guys, I don't know
why you're so upset.

Justin is gonna be fe, OK.
People love everything he has to say.

All I'm saying, you guys,
is that planning your future

is like digging your grave
with a pencil

and like a calenr.

Uh-oh.

Alex,
what's wrong with him?

What? Nothing.
What? Nothing.

Tell her what you just
told us, Justin.

When cowboys used to get really
really hungry they ate these things right here.

No, the other thing.

Chanting makes it important.

No, the other thing.

I bought these
jeans pre-ripped.

It's fun, right? I...

Ahhh. Sunshine.

What did you do to him?

OK, I didn't wanna
say anything

but Justin's
not really Justin right now.

Yeah, we figured
that part out.

It's... It's actually
kind of a funny story, really.

You see,
I made a duplicate of Justin,

and I put him through
four years of college.

And then recombined
the two of them

and it ended up drastically
changing Justin's personality

to a point where he's really
not even recognizable anymore.

Why aren't you
laughing with me?

Alex, this is horrible!

You are going to ruin
your brother's graduation.

And more important,
we just committed to being good parents,

and this is wrecking
that whole plan!

You're gonna fix this,
young lady, so he can have his graduation,

and we can be there,
in the regular audience,

like the good
parents you've never had!

So you're telling me that
I have to come up with a solution all by myself

to a problem that
I created all by myself?

Well, that's not fair.

Please, Mr. Laritate,

you gotta let Zeke give
the speech instead of Justin.

He's got it all
figureout.

Even the overflow parents
will love it. Show 'em, Zeke.

[clears throat] Today is
the first day of the rest of your lives.

The world is your oyster.

Spread your wings and fly!

I have a very unoriginal brain.
It's perfect for this kind of thing.

If you want to see his head
explode, tell him you're having breakfast for dinner.

[gasps] You can't have breakfast
for dinner. It's called "three meals a day!"

You space 'em out
and you have a jog in-between!

Well, what about brunch?

You can't have brunch!
It's a combination! You know I'm scared of combinations!

Now, listen!
Listen! Listen!

These people are very excited
to hear Justin lead a chant

in how unexciting
everything is.

Try not to think
about that sentence too much.

By the way,
what do you think of my jacket?

The fringe
makes it slimming.

Harper, OK,

I found a spell that will pull
the college education out of Justin's brain. Where is he?

Last I saw him he was outside
leading some chant

with bus drivers
about exact change.

All right. I'm ready to tell
these people to give up.

Where's the microphone at?

Yep, OK, yes,
I can't wait either.

It'll be really fun.
I just have to do something.

Brain, brain go away,
back before the college days!

[zapping]

[exhales deeply]
Well, how do you feel?

I look silly.
I'm wearing a nightgown.

Yep, that sounds like it
worked. All right, go.

[applause]

[Mr. Laritate]
Thank you, Mr. Guerreri,

for showing us that
a -year-old English teacher can still

kind of dunk a basketball.

And now,
our student body president

will address
his senior class.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Justin Russo.

Anybody gonna call
the nurse for Mr. Guerreri?

He looks really tangled up
in that mini-trampoline.

I want a puppy,
but I can't have one

until I stop
putting gum in my hair.

What is he doing?

I don't know. He's acting
like a kindergartner.

[groans] I must've taken
too much of his brain away.

I've gotta get him
out of there.

I don't need a stool to reach
the sink. Some people...

Uh, what he means
to say is,

Tribeca Prep is like
the stool of our lives.

And we no longer need
that stool to reach the sink

which is...
which is our future.

So good night, everybody!

[Justin] I'm not supposed
to touch the stove, 'cause it's hot.

Because the stove,
you see, is... is danger.

And there can be so much
danger in our future...

[moans ghoulishly]

...that we will
have to overcome

with courage.
So good night, everybody!

My bedtime is seven, but
I can read pop-up books in bed until eight.

Take care of your health,
and something about reading. Good night, everybody.

[Mr. Laritate]
Thank you, Justin. And Alex.

I had hoped for something
a bit more thought-provoking,

but it was time to get Mr.
Guerreri into the ambulance, so, you know...

[Mr Laritate clears throat]

And now I would like to award
the diplomas in class order.

Valedictorian,
Justin Russo.

[cheers, whistles]

[gasps]

I can see our head!
It's huge!

Salutatorian, Zeke Beekerman

[applause]

Brunch is not a meal.
Spread your wings and fly!

- We're late!
- [groans]

I can't believe you made
the cab driver stop for a hot dog, Jerry.

Well, I wasn't gonna
let him run over it.

I guess we're stuck here again
with the overflow crowd.

Let's face it,
we're overflow parents.

These will always
be our people.

Excuse me.
Those are our seats.

We're the reason
this whole set up exists.

Hey, hey! There he is!

Our high school graduate!

Just so you know, honey,
we got here on time.

We saw the whole thing.
We thought your speech was great.

Yeah, and that
emotional part was...

that was really emotional,
and I... I...

I don't... [fake whimper]

OK, Dad, there was
no emotional part. He didn't do the speech.

Why not?

I'm not allowed to
read books on the potty,

because I stay in there
way too long.

[blows raspberry]

That's the sound I make
when I'm on the potty.

- imics plane]
- Hey!

[mimics plane]

Stop it!

- [mimics plane]
- Sit...!

Do you
want this lollipop or not?

[mimics crash] Yes.

Then sit down.

OK.

Retrieve-um cerebrum!

Lollipop?

I only allow myself one
of these on Halloween. This is not Halloween!

Welcome back.
Justin, I'm so sorry.

I should've never created that
duplicate in the first place.

I guess I was just scared
that I really wouldn't have anybody

to fight with when
you went off to college.

We've had a lot
of pretty good fights, huh?

I think we've still got
a few good ones left in us. What do you think?

I hope so.

You guys are hilarious.
Just say you love each other.

[both scoff] No, we don't!

I'm sorry I interfered
with your college plans.

It's all good. When I had
that college brain in my head,

I realized that I knew
all of that stuff anyway.

Now it's time to get on
with the real learning. Medical school here I come.

How expensive is that?

If I told you,
you'd need a doctor.