03x23 - Wizards vs. Finkles

[bunniefuu]

Hey, guys! How's it going?
So, check it out:

Mom sent more photos
of possible beaches

for this year's
family photo.

So, wait, we're supposed
to go to a place we never go

and put our arms around
each other like we never do,

just to have a picture
we can send

to people we don't like,
anyway?

This year, there's a record
number of families

we don't like
to send 'em to.

Alex, the annual barefoot
family portrait on the beach

is very important. I recently
started painting my toenails

in the off chance that I could
get in this year's picture?

Of course you can, Harper.
You're a Russo now.

Oh, my gosh!

What am I gonna wear?
'Cause this is so drab.

I need something
that says Russo.

Oh! I know. I'll wear
that dress

that says "Russo"
all over it.

That I happened to have made
before I ever knew you people.

Duh!

And this is us:
making an entrance!

And this is us:
shaking an entrance!

[singing]
♪ And cue the applause! ♪

Mom? Dad?

Please, buddy.
We weren't finished.

Yeah, but my life is.

[up-tempo music playing]

♪ My name is Marty
I'm the pops of the Finkles ♪

♪ And I'm Elaine
I'm the tops of the Finkles ♪

♪ A dash of pizzazz
and a sprinkle of Finkle ♪

♪ Is all that you will need ♪

♪ To make this
whole night twinkle ♪

♪ So, come one,
come all ♪

♪ Give a snap
and a winkle ♪

♪ For the smallest of all,
and my favorite Finkle ♪

[clearing throat]

I don't want to.

Please, buddy.
Come on!

♪ I'm Harper Finkle
the dinkiest Finkle ♪

♪ More smiles,
sweets and cutes ♪

♪ Than you
could ever thinkle ♪

♪ Lights, camera, Finkle! ♪

♪ And cue the applause ♪

[light clapping]

Oh, you guys are so much
better than I remember.

♪ Well, you know everything's
gonna be a breeze ♪

♪ That the end will no doubt
justify the means ♪

♪ You can fix any problem
with the slightest of ease ♪

♪ Yes, please ♪

♪ But you might find out
it'll go to your head ♪

♪ When you write a report
on a book you never read ♪

♪ With the snap of your fingers
you can make your bed ♪

♪ That's what I said ♪

♪ Everything is not
what it seems ♪

♪ When you can get all you
wanted in your wildest dreams ♪

♪ You might run into trouble
if you go to extremes ♪

♪ Because everything
is not what it seems ♪

♪ Everything is not
what it seems ♪

♪ When you can have what you
want by the simplest of means ♪

♪ Be careful not to mess
with the balance of things ♪

♪ Because everything is not ♪

♪ What it seems ♪

Well, this is
certainly a surprise.

You're tellin' me.

Why aren't you guys
in Pittsburgh?

Well, you'll be
pleased to know

that we're here
to audition for a gig...

...of the paid variety,
no less.

That's great. years
on the edge of show business

has finally paid off.

Paid off in spades.

And diamonds and clubs
and hearts

and the rest
of those jokers.

We're aces, I tell ya!

[giggling]

Paid off
for you too, buddy.

You're back in.
Just like the old days!

Wait, stop. I can't work
a gig with you guys.

I live here now.

We're even putting her
in the family photo.

[gasping] We finally have enough
people for a human pyramid.

Come on, buddy.

The Finkles are gonna be
putting butts in the seats

for Black Sea
Railways in Romania!

♪ Lights, camera, Finkle! ♪

In Romania!

♪ And cue the applause ♪

Sorry, that's
just really catchy.

Wait. You can't just
waltz back into my life...

Harper, can I talk
to you for a minute, please?

- B-R-B.
- Gesundheit.

Ah...

OK, how can you not
want to go to Romania?

Your parents are so fun.

I mean, look at their ironic
clothes and hairstyles.

It's not ironic, it's tragic.

Where do they get
their sense of dress?

OK, well, what about how
they make everything a joke?

Yeah, try living with them
for a few years.

He's been making fun of
how old I am since I was seven.

Seven!

We're really sorry
to take your little lady

away from you like this.

What are you talking about?

Word on the street
is you two lovebirds

are quite a big ticket item.

Oh!

Me and Harper?

Uh, no, sorry.
Harper is dating Zeke.

- Zeke Beakerman.
- Zeke Beak-erman? It rhymes!

[laughing]

Must be a stage name.

The last thing we need
is for our daughter

to date another
"Johnny Stage Door."

Being a couple of loose cannon,
undependable,

showbiz-types
ourselves,

we were hoping our daughter

would wind up
with some nice, boring,

accountable square
like yourself.

Dad...

Did they just call me
a boring square?

Well, you are sort of...
a square.

- Wha...?
- I mean that in the best way.

- I...
- Like, you're not afraid to be yourself.

You know... a boring square.

Everyone thinks
I'm a boring square?

[scoffing, laughing]

They are not going to believe
this down at the Hobby Shop.

[chuckling]
I can hear 'em laughing now.

Finkles, I got
a question for you.

Would you ever make your
kids take a lame family photo

- while wearing the same
clothes? - It's not lame, Alex.

It's a family tradition.

The Finkles have a
family tradition, too.

It's called,
whoever falls asleep first

gets a mustache
drawn on your face.

Guilty as charged!

I'm a napper.

You guys are awesome.

If Harper doesn't want
to be in your act, I'll do it.

Wow. You'll do anything

to get out of realizing
your brother's dream

of forming a family pyramid
in the sand, won't you?

Pretty much.

"Alex Finkle" sure
sounds swell to me.

Is this OK with you, buddy?

Well, I don't wanna do it.

I'm really loving
being a Russo. Oh...

Hey, can I be the top
of the human pyramid?

Sold!
Welcome to the Finkles, buddy.

Rehearsal's at one o'clock.

And this is us
making an exit.

[up-tempo music playing]

Hey, be sure to turn that
thing off when we're gone.

Don't want to waste
the batteries!

[music clicks off]

Well, Alex, that was...

I don't think you know what
you're getting yourself into.

I'll be fine. I mean...

You like being a Russo so much,

it'll be cool for me to try
and be a Finkle for awhile.

- Do you even know
where Romania is? - [scoffing]

Yes. It's in Rome. Duh!

I know my states.

- She's right, you know.
- No, she's not.

Thank you, Mr. and Mrs. D
in geography.

Romania is a country
in Eastern Europe

that's full of gymnasts
and vampires.

Gymnasts and vampires?

Maybe Justin can come with
and find a new girlfriend.

Hey, I'm getting
the Finkle rhythm down.

♪ And cue the applause ♪

I don't know what to do about
Alex without Theresa here.

I mean, Theresa always
tells me what to do.

Well, can't you just
tell Alex she can't go?

You're her Dad.

[scoffing chuckle]

Well, Dad, whatever
you tell her to do,

she's just gonna do
the opposite.

Unless she knows
what you're gonna do

and then she'll do
the opposite of that.

So, we gotta find something
that's not opposite.

[scoffing chuckle]

Max is right.

We'll use reverse psychology.
We'll tell her she has to go,

and then she won't want to.

That could work.

Good idea, Max.
Thanks for your help.

Harper, Justin told me
what your parents said.

And you don't have to worry.

I'm going to turn myself
into the boring loser

that your parents
want me to be.

They didn't say
"boring loser."

No, but they were
thinking it.

Or at least I was.

Why does everyone think
that I'm a boring loser?

I am just as engaging
and entertaining as Zeke.

Whoa, bro, not so fast.

Are you the captain of three
different clogging teams?

I don't think so!

Oh, no! I didn't think about how
cool my clogging comes across.

[groaning]
He is interesting!

Zeke, wait.
Let's talk about this.

No, no. If your parents
want me to change,

then I'm gonna change.

Starting today, I'm gonna
somehow suppress my urge

to do a Double Stomp,
followed by the Mountain Goat.

[whimpering]

All right. Later, Russos. This
Finkle's gotta get to rehearsal.

Alex... I just wanted
you to know that

we all want you to go
to Romania with the Finkles.

OK. Love you. Bye.

Dad, that wasn't opposite
enough.

You should have
said something like:

"We want you to go
to Finkles with Romania."

[scoffing chuckle]

Hey, guys, I thought of
something I can do in the act.

Watch this.

[simple drumroll plays]

Pretty good, huh?

I think it's gonna pull
the whole show together.

[drumroll plays]

[together] Hacky.

And you're late for rehearsal,
buddy.

Only a couple of minutes.

Show biz minutes are a million
times more precious than regular people minutes.

Sorry.
I didn't know.

You guys are a lot more
serious than I thought.

You wanna be part
of this outfit,

you gotta fly on
the straight and narrow.

You wanna be part
of this outfit, don't you?

A couple of regular people
minutes ago I did.

Well, you better decide,

'cause this crazy
show biz shebang

is a whole lot of
blood and sweat.

But, if you do it right,
you get the laughs,

you get the fame
and the moola!

Well, fame and moola
sounds good.

Actually, "moola"
sounds gross.

Sounds something le
a French cow would say.

"Moo-la-la."

Yeah? Yeah? Nothing?
Really?

You got moxie, buddy.

In fact,
that's your new name...

Moxie Finkle!

Try it on for size.
Walk it around a bit.

"Moxie?"
Sounds like a dog's name.

What's next?
Do I get my own squeaky toy?

Too much lip.
That's it. She's out!

Aw, come on, Marty.
Give the rookie a break.

Nope. I'm done with her.

Sorry, I tried.
Hit the road.

And if you hurry, you might make
that little family photo sh**t.

Smile big, sad clown.

Looks like we've
gotta replace her.

Hey, buddy,
how about telling Harper

- to hightail it over here.
- Harper?

She's kind of happy
not doing this.

Harper doesn't care
about being happy.

Harper cares about
making other people happy.

She's a Finkle!

All right...
I'll be Moxie Finkle.

Well, as long as we know
who's calling the sh*ts now,

let's get back
to business.

We only got this place booked
for nine more hours.

- What? Nine hours?
- Yeah.

It's gonna take you
at least six hours

to learn how to
play the ukulele.

And two more to do it
while you're juggling.

That only leaves one hour
to learn all your lines.

Homework? I thought this
was gonna be fun.

OK, Alex on the Way Home,
If we don't come up with a new plan quick,

she's gonna be ending every
sentence for the rest of her life with:

♪ And cue the applause! ♪

Theresa won't like me even more
if her family picture is ruined

because one of her family
members is living on a train in Romania.

And not the family member
she'd be OK with.

I'm telling Justin.

OK, what would Theresa
do in this situation?

Well... Mom and Alex
usually have these

heart-to-heart girl-talk
kind of things by themselves.

Out on the terrace.
That's where they do it.

You're right again, Max.

And since you're so good
at filling in for Mom,

why don't you do that?

Why not Harper?
She's a girl.

Oh... Harper's been completely
useless in this situation.

I'd be upset, but you saying
that to my face like that...?

It makes me feel like
I'm part of this family.

[door opening]

[groaning] I'm exhausted.

All right, here she is.
Go girl-talk it up.

Alex?

Can I talk to you
out on the terrace, please?

Well, that's weird, so yeah.

Come on. You and Mom
usually stand over here

and look out
over the city.

So listen, mija,

when we were saying you should
go to Romania before,

we were really saying
you shouldn't go.

Max, I know. Reverse psychology.
I got it.

Right. So, now I'm saying
you shouldn't go.

I'm not. I already decided
how I'm getting of it.

- So, you're not going?
- No.

Oh, I got you.

[chuckling] So you're using
reverse psychology on me.

No, I'm really not going.

The more you say
you're not going,

the more I know
you actually are going.

Good talk, Max.

But wait, Alex, we were
supposed to hug now.

My little girl is
growing up so fast.

What happened? What happened?

She went upstairs and
didn't tell us what she's doing.

Well, she's going.
She's definitely going.

- She didn't even hug me.
- Oh, no.

What are we gonna do now?

Well, I've lived with you
Russos for some time now

and it seems like most
of your problems

are solved right after chaos.

So, maybe that's what we
should do. We need chaos.

[together] Right.

Chaos could blow
the audition for Alex.

See, she's not
that useless.

Aw, thanks for the compliment.

I can hear you when you when
you do the... that, yeah.

Did Alex get into
Mommy's makeup again?

OK, good, so it's working.

I'm off to go blow my audition.
It's go time or no time!

Why would you sabotage
the audition?

Because I don't want to go
to Romania anymore.

Oh, so you'd rather
be a Russo than a Finkle?

I know. Weird, right?

Turns out the Finkles
really stink-le.

[chuckles]

All right, well,
now it's a toss up.

The truth is, if I don't go,
Harper has to go.

And I don't want her to leave.
So, the only solution is

to ruin it so nobody can go.

Well, if there is one thing
you're really good at, it's ruining things.

Aw, thank you.

♪ And the smallest of all
and my favorite Finkle... ♪

[not singing]
I'm Alex Finkle.

[both whispering]
Moxie Finkle.

I'm Moxie Finkle...

...the smallest of all,
and my favorite Finkle.

[muttering]
I just said that part.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Am I messing this up in front
of the Romanian producers?

Gymnast and vampire,
figures.

Why don't we just quit
while we're ahead?

Well, looks like somebody
fried their old brain

watching too much of
the old boob tube.

[laughing]

That's not all she fried.
Get a load of that crazy 'do.

Who does your
hair and make-up, Moxie,

a near-sighted
orangutan?

[laughing]

This is the perfect comedy
for our train!

The people will love it.

[chuckling]

What?
No, no, no!

I've gotta get out of here
before they put me on a train.

- What are you doing?
- Proving to the Finkles that I am not a boring square.

I am exciting!

I'm gonna use
the "Ham It Up" spell.

Tell some jokes
all old and clammy.

Then make me act
all bold and hammy.

[swallowing]

[piano music playing]

[humming] Ha!

Hello there, Finkles.

Mind if I "choo" up
little scenery?

[together] Justin?

A-choo, a-choo, a-choo,
and a-choo!

[chuckling]

Would you guys get
a load of these two?

I mean seriously,
their act stinks so bad,

onions cry when
they watch it.

- Am I right, Romanians?
- [laughing]

Aw, Justin! What is this?

Boy, was I wrong about you.

Yeah, quit stealing our thunder.
You're gonna ruin our audition.

Oh, really?

Then, let's ruin it
some more.

[swallowing]

A one, a two, a one, two, three!

[piano music playing]

Hey, everybody, I haven't
seen an act this bad

since my brother starred
in Vida Romania.

[laughing]

Oh, Moxie, not you, too?

All right,
time to create chaos.

I'll throw the first tomato.

Shh. Wait. Listen.

Do you smell that?
I smell ham.

[sniffing] Spiral cut,
hind quarter.

Probably on sale. This way.

- Hey, brother o' mine?
- What's up, sissy-poo?

I'll tell you what's down.

Stocks on those two
knuckleheads right here.

- Sell, sell, sell!
- [laughing]

- ♪ Bo-bo-bo-bo ♪
- ♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba ♪

[all singing randomly]

[panting]

Say, Doc,
what's wrong with me?

- You got two weeks to live!
- Oh, no. I want a second opinion.

All right.
You're ugly, too.

[all laughing]

Ow, ow!

Stop! Stop this
perfect train comedy!

We've made a decision.

You won a job with
the Black Sea Railways!

Well, this is some
kind of rigmarole.

Yeah. These two goofballs
just high-jacked our set.

Oh, not to worry, Finkles.

We have another
gig available...

...in Youngstown, Ohio!

- We'll be in touch.
- [gasping]

Did you hear that?

- Nobody's better than us.
- How do you like that?

Ah. That took a lot less
chaos as I thought it would.

I'm sorry, Finkles.
I'm dating your daughter.

I'm not dating you.

So, tonight, I'm expressing
my love for Harper

through the time-honored art
of the clog!

I hope it's OK that I'm not
going to Youngstown with you.

It sure is, buddy. We were wrong
to make you do that before.

We can see now that
you got a real sweet deal

with these Russo characters.

I sure do.

And we got a sweet deal, too.

See ya, buddy.

And this is us...
making an exit.

[up-tempo music plays]

Ah, show business!

[music clicking off]

That was weird.