06x08 - Poke the Bear

[bunniefuu]

Holy sh*t, dude, holy sh*t!

WOMAN:
I first heard about Goldie's Goodness

through another mom.

She said she had an
amazing opportunity for me.

But amazing opportunities

aren't supposed to put you k in debt,

or strip away your self-worth,

one spray bottle at a time.

Holy Hell, this sh*t is a goldmine.

Look at them all!

It was then that I realized
I had lost everything.

God, look at Rebecca,
she's practically drooling.

You have no idea what
kind of Kegel strength

it's taking not to piss my
pants with joy right now.

Dude, me too!

- Foster, you're smiling.
- Well, you're f*ckin' smiling.

They're sharing pain, pull it back.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

(CLEARS THROAT) I mean,
don't get me wrong,

what happened to them was terrible,

- Mm-hmm.
- Like, that % sucks

that they were exploited,
taken advantage of.

- %.
- So sad,

it was very, very sad.

But dare I say, the book
might actually be better for it?

Are we a couple Erin Brockoviches here?

"Big mistake. Huge."

- That's "Pretty Woman."
- No, I don't think it is.

GOLDIE: Kate Foster, your office, now!

(LAUGHS) This?!

Big mistake. Huge.

♪

Oh, it is "Pretty Woman."

Now, I hear it.

I see you brought your security team.

They look like lots of fun.

She get you guys gift baskets, too?

Aren't you cute. They're my lawyers,

and the best ones, at that.
Go ahead, fellas.

(PAPER RUSTLES)

- What's this, your memoir?
- Nice one.

It's actually a Cease and Desist.

Oh please, what exactly do you want us

- to cease and desist?
- Well, let me think about it.

How about rounding up a group of women

who are still under my company's employ,

and pressing them for privileged,
and false,

information for you to
spread and profit from.

That's what I'd like you
to cease and desist.

And judging by this little shindig here,

I'd say our timing
couldn't be more perfect.

You think we're afraid
of a little paperwork?

We always knew this was a possibility,
right, Sloane?

Absolutely.

Wynston Publishing has
an entire legal team

dedicated to this sort of thing.

And get this, their lawyers speak.

Seriously, you guys ever talk?

Cool, that's not totally creepy.

Listen, last time I checked,

it's not illegal to tell the truth.

I'm sure even Ginnie here
could agree with me on that.

- Well, I guess...
- Please do not talk to my daughter.

Oh, she not allowed to talk, either?

Listen, I need you
to put a stop to this little

horseshit book that you are
so intent on publishing.

Yeah, we're not gonna do that.

- This book is % happening.
- % happening.

Well, let me put it this way.

If you proceed with this book,
I'm going to make it

my personal mission to sue
not only the two of you,

but every single woman in there

who has been spewing lies about me,

until they have nothing left.

Understood?

Yeah, I thought that might shut you up.

So why don't we just save
ourselves a lot of time,

and put an end to all of this?

♪

Say hi to the ladies for me.

♪

- (DOOR LATCH CLICKS)
- Oh my God,

it feels so good to be home,
I could cry!

Yeah.

What's wrong?

Aren't you excited to
wake up in your new house?

- (DOOR SHUTS)
- Yeah. Sure.

Okay, seriously, what's up?

You've been giving me the
cold shoulder since the trial.

What's up?!

Anne, you were kicked
out of the courtroom.

- The courtroom!
- Oh my God,

that's what you're upset about?

Of course that's what I'm upset about!

I mean, you weren't even
there to hear the verdict!

Well, I'm sorry,
but I thought the whole thing

- was kind of a joke.
- Not to me!

I mean, do you have any idea
how freaked out I've been?

I could've gone to jail.

- But you didn't.
- But I could have.

- But you didn't!
- That's not the point!

I was in a room full of
people that hated me,

and the moment I needed you there,
you abandoned me!

I didn't abandon you,
I got kicked out of the courtroom

because I was pissed off on your behalf!

- That's bullshit!
- Excuse me?!

You got kicked out because
you make everything about you.

All you had to do was just sit there,

and be supportive,
and you couldn't even do that.

Okay, I think you're being
a little too sensitive

- on this one.
- I love when you explain

my emotions to me.
Please tell me how I feel.

Lionel, that is not what I'm saying.

- Then what are you saying?
- That you're blowing things

way out of proportion
and acting like a little bitch!

(SIGHS) I'm sorry.

I didn't mean that.
It's just my rage talking,

it's something I'm working
through in Anger Management.

Which you're not even going to anymore.

Well, I'm a quick study,
and I got the gist of it,

plus I had a pretty big breakthrough.

A breakthrough.

Uh...

look, I'm really tired,

and I just wanna go make myself

an outrageously unhealthy sandwich,

and enjoy my first meal as a free man.

Again, you never went to prison!

(SIGHS) Could've fooled me!

What? There's no fridge!
Where's the fridge?!

Cool, it's the fridge.

(BOTTLES RATTLE)

This is pretty cool, actually.

So, I mean, do you believe her?

That she'll go to any imaginable length

to make sure those women
suffer if we publish the book?

- Absolutely.
- (SIGHS) Yeah, me too.

Just making sure I
wasn't misinterpreting

- anything back there.
- Unfortunately not.

So what's the right move here?

I mean, we could shut down the book,

those women are protected, great.

But if we don't put the book out there,

then countless other women
will fall prey to Goldie,

and God knows what other pyramid scheme.

- It's a tough decision.
- Aah...

have I mentioned I hate tough decisions?

I couldn't even decide
whether to put my hair

up or down today, went with
this sort of half-up situation.

Do you-do you like it?
Don't answer that.

I think we both know
the right thing to do.

Put my hair down?

Oh, yeah, we can't publish the book.

- No.
- Right.

(STREETCAR RUMBLES)

♪

(PHONES RING IN THE DISTANCE)

- Jesus!
- Oh! Sorry.

You're probably wondering
why a person you barely know

is casually hanging out in your office.

And using my nail file.

Oh my God, sorry. (LAUGHS)

I am too much!

I just, I saw it sitting there,
and my brain's been like,

on autopilot these days.

Okay.

Oh! Why I'm here! Yes.

I-I was walking past your
office and I saw this,

and I just, I couldn't resist.

You know "The Raccoon and the Rock?"

Oh yeah! My Grammy used to read it to me
when I was a kid all the time,

- it's-it's one of my favourites.
- Yeah, mine, too.

In fact, I've been trying
to convince the board

to reissue it for a number of years,

but uh, maybe one day.

I love that goal for you.

Well, seeing this book
made me realize how much

we had in common,
and I-I thought I'd ask...

and totally feel free to say no...

I-I just wanted to know
if maybe you would um,

be my-my mentor?

What?

I-I just...
I've been working up the nerve to ask.

Well, uh, I'm flattered,

but I'm just not really
the "mentoring type."

Mostly because I don't wanna be.

Oh yeah, totally cool, yeah, I just...

I don't even know why I asked,
I-I just really look up to you

and I thought it'd be super
cool to learn from you,

but, you know what? Thought I'd ask.

Um, I will leave you to your stuff.

Okay.

- Wait.
- Yeah?

I'll be your mentor, sure, whatever.

Oh my God! Thank you so much.

- You-you won't regret it.
- Yeah, I mean,

you know, women supporting
women and all that sh*t, right?

Yeah! Tot-yeah.

Amaz... oh my God. Okay, great! Thanks!

♪

- (SHREDDER WHIRS LOUDLY)
- That's it?

Just a fine, and a ban from Cochrane?

That's it. He's a free man.

Dude! That's great,

you can finally put this
whole nightmare behind you.

Yeah.

Yeah, no, yeah, it's totally great.

Uh, this is great news,
what's the matter?

Yeah, I just uh,

I may have gotten kicked
out of the courtroom.

- Jesus, Anne.
- I know, I know,

but I couldn't help it, it was...

The whole thing was so ridiculous,

and I kinda just lost my sh*t,

and I think Lionel's mad at me now.

Hey, what? Speak up.
I'm sorry, I'm in the middle

of this pyramid fiasco,

- and the shredder is acting up.
- (SHREDDER WHIRS)

Oh, okay, uh... I said,
I think Lionel's mad at me now.

Huh? Oh, well,
he's probably overreacting.

- What?
- What?

I was really hoping you might
have some wisdom for me.

(KNOCKING)

Oh hey, uh, I gotta call you back,

but basically, Lionel's an idiot,
and you're doing great.

- I love you.
- Wait! Kate, I...

(CALL BEEPS OFF)

Hey, sorry, you were in the
meeting earlier today, right?

Is the book really not happening?

Oh, uh, where did you hear that?

Well, is it or isn't it?

Uh, I'm-I'm sorry,
we're just trying to protect you.

(SIGHS) Well, no offence,

but we don't need your protection.

Plus, this isn't your decision to make.

Right.

(SIGHS) Hey, I know it sucks,

but you're gonna have
to trust me on this one.

If this book goes forward,

- you'd be the one paying the price.
- That's just it,

I've already paid the price.

Do you have any idea how many
friends and family members

I got wrapped up in this nightmare?

This is our chance to stop people

from making the same mistake we did.

And the only way we can do that
is if you publish this book.

I-I really hope you'll reconsider.

You know what,
that's all I wanted to say.

(SIGHS HEAVILY)

(SIGHS)

♪

- (LINE RINGS)
- SLOANE: Hello?

- Hey, Sloane.
- Hey, what's up?

Change of plans.

I got here as soon as I could.

It was very brave of you to call me.

Thanks for coming, Val.

Of course.

Now, tell me about your sex problems.

I'm not having sex problems.
I'm having Lionel problems.

- Tomato, tomato.
- Seriously, Val,

I-I just feel like Lionel's
angry at me all the time.

- On account of the lack of sex?
- Jesus, Val!

Listen, it's nothing to be ashamed of.

Every relationship hits this
all-too familiar road bump.

Why do you think I bought
these unfamiliar road bumps?

Hmm?

- I'm not getting a new ass, Val.
- Relax, you couldn't handle it.

I think it would look forced on you.

But there are other ways to
spice things up in the bedroom.

(FABRIC RUSTLES)

- Please tell me that is not a...
- A sexy getup?

You better believe it.

Trust me, nothing wakes a man's spirits

like a slutty firefighter

or a horny waitress,

- or a naughty elderly care worker.
- Gross!

Anyway, while I sort of
admire your firm stance

on not dressing for the male gaze,

I think you could veer away
from Diane Keaton chic

for one night.

What's wrong with Diane Keaton?
She's a classy lady.

Oh, Anne.

For a therapist,
sometimes you really don't get it.

This is the turnkey your
passion so desperately needs.

For the last time, our "passion" is...

Just take it.

I'll come back and get it in a few days.

- I thought it was a gift.
- Our gift.

You ever heard of a timeshare?

Toodles.

(DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS)

She's like the Mary Poppins of f*cking.

(PHONES RING IN THE DISTANCE)

(LOW HUM OF CHATTER)

Okay. (SNIFFLES)

Thank you.

Nina? Everything okay?

Oh! Sorry.

Okay, all right. Listen to me,

Lesson Number One,

never be the woman who cries
in front of her co-workers.

It's a trope. They'll think you're weak.

Oh God, you're probably right, sorry.

- Well.
- You're not gonna believe it.

I convinced the board to re-issue

"The Raccoon and the Rock."

- What?!
- Isn't that amazing?

- How?
- Oh, I just told them

how incredibly moving it was.

Hence the tears.

Oh, the best part is they
want us to partner on it.

- Excuse me?
- I know.

Oh, I am so excited
to hear your thoughts.

Thank you, Mentor.

(SMALL LAUGH)

♪

(SIGHS)

Yeah, this is okay.

This is sexy.

Maybe not sexy.

Handsome.

(SIGHS) Oh God.

(PENSIVE EXHALE)

♪

(CAR RUMBLES)

- Where are you?
- (EMERGENCY BRAKING ALARM BEEPS)

Oh! Ah! Jesus Christ.

(EMERGENCY BRAKING ALARM BEEPS)

It's like they have a death wish.

Yeah, go ahead. (SCOFFS)

(EMERGENCY BRAKING ALARM BEEPS)

Come on, dude! Oh, hey!

It's me! (LAUGHS)

Hey, we met, remember?

In, um, in Nathan Jr.'s closet?

Listen, about the other day,
uh, I just want you to know

that you are always welcome in my house.

I think it's beautiful.
Like, really beautiful.

In fact, I think that um...

I think that gay teen sex
is the best kind of sex.

- Oh God, please stop.
- Yeah.

- It's really okay.
- Sorry.

Have you seen Nathan Jr.?

- Yeah, he left with his aunt.
- What?

- (SCOFFS IN DISBELIEF)
- (DOOR BANGS SHUT)

Nathan, hey, we gotta talk about...

Cassandra. You're in my house.

- Hey, Kate, it's nice to see you again.
- Yeah.

NATHAN JR.: You should try
some of my Aunt's moussaka.

It's just as good as my mom's.

Stop, it's not even half as good.

I'm serious, you could sell this.

Cassandra wanted to spend
some time with Nathan Jr..

I see that.

Hey, I hope you don't mind
that I picked Nathan Jr. up

- from school today.
- Actually, I-I do.

A heads-up would've been nice.

Well, it was kind of a spur
of the moment kinda thing.

- Oh.
- Moussaka?

Oh, yeah, uh, no thank you.

I'm on a bit of a moussaka hiatus.

Well, suit yourself. (LAUGHS)

I just thought you might
appreciate a home-cooked meal.

(CHUCKLES)

Hmm.

Now, what is it exactly
that you do, Cassandra?

I'm a Digital Nomad.

No, like, what do you do for work?

It's actually just a fancy term

that means I do all my
work on the Internet,

while I travel around the world.

Hmm. It sounds very um, nomadic.

Yeah.

I just get up and go
wherever the wind takes me.

- Yikes. (LAUGHS)
- Actually,

Nathan Jr. here visited me a
couple years ago in Thailand,

do you remember that, kiddo?

Yeah, it was epic.

(LAUGHS)

No sure, it sounds it.
It sounds really cool.

But it must be hard, I mean, you know,

to create a stable home environment

what with the wind blasting
your ass all over the world.

I like to believe that
home is a state of mind.

Mm, sort of a "live, laugh,
love" type of thing.

Okay, I'm sensing
some weird energy here.

Ooh, oh boy.

Look, if this about me
wanting custody of Nathan Jr.,

can we talk about it like adults?

What are you talking about?

Oh, did you guys not tell him?

Are you trying to get rid of me?

- No.
- No, no, of course not.

Cassandra mentioned she wanted
custody of you a few weeks ago,

but we didn't tell you because...

Because it's totally irrelevant.
Okay, listen to me,

this is your home, okay?

You're safe here,
you're not going anywhere.

Well, I think he should
at least hear me out.

Well, I don't.

Your sister made it very clear
that this is where he belongs.

And I think that he
needs to be with someone

who really sees him,
and not a total stranger.

Oh, please, I see him.

- Not as well as I see him.
- I see him so well it hurts my eyes.

Okay, that doesn't even make sense,
eyes don't hurt from seeing well.

Well, mine do!
And also, uh, your moussaka is dry.

How would you know?
You didn't even try it!

I didn't need to, like I said,

- my eyes are super strong.
- How dare you!

Can you just stop, okay?!

Just stop!

Nathan, Honey.

Well, clearly, you've upset him.

(TRAFFIC RUMBLES)

♪

ANNE: Alexa, dim the lights.

- ALEXA: Okay.
- Do you mind?

I'm trying to rub in some
foot cream over here.

Well, maybe I could rub you.

(LAUGHS)

My God, what are you wearing?

Are you seriously laughing at me?

I'm sorry, you just, you look like uh,

you look like Little Bo Peep...

uh, in a brothel.

Great, that's just what I was going for.

No, no, I've just
never seen so many bows

on a human body before.

- And what is with the wig?
- It came with the outfit.

You know what? Screw you, Lionel!

- Come on, take it easy.
- No, you take it easy!

If you hadn't noticed,
I was trying to seduce you

because you've been stressed
out and I was trying to make

you feel better, and yeah,
I look a little insane,

- but I also look a little hot!
- Okay, Anne...

It's fine, you know what?
Just forget it.

I'll just give it back to Val.

What, that's Val's lingerie?
Of course it's Val's lingerie.

- Is that even hygienic?
- Shut the hell up about hygiene!

Do you want to have sex
with me right now or not?!

Not really, no.

Well, why not?

- I don't know.
- Jesus, Lionel,

what is going on with us?

This can't just be
because I got kicked out

of the courtroom.

Wait, are you hiding something?

What? No!

What would I be hiding?

(DOORBELL RINGS)

(SIGHS)

Stupid idea.

(DOOR OPENS)

Tomé, what are...
what are you doing here?

It's no secret that you and I
shared something truly special.

Are you insane? No, no!

- We didn't!
- But I'm in sex rehab,

and now I must unburden myself,
and make amends.

- Is Annie here?
- No! No thank you!

(DOOR SLAMS)

- Who was at the door?
- What door?

The door you're standing in front of.

(LAUGHS) Uh, yeah. Um, it was nobody.

It was-it was just the wind.

The wind rang the doorbell?

Yep.

But I told her she had the wrong house.

The wind can be so stupid.

I'm going to bed.

(FOOTSTEPS THUD ON STAIRS)

f*ck!

(KNOCKS)

Hey-hey, Buddy, can I come in?

NATHAN JR.: I don't really
feel like talking right now.

Sure, yeah, uh, I...

I just wanted to say sorry

that things got so intense
at dinner, um...

This is what your mother wanted.

Did anyone think to ask what I wanted?

Listen, your Aunt Cassandra
is just not gonna create

a stable environment for you.

You've already been through
so much, you know,

so... this is where you belong.

♪

Okay, uh, I'll leave you be.

Oh, I um, I put aside a
slice of moussaka for you um,

so you have a nice warm
lunch to look forward to.

(LAUGHS)

♪

(PENSIVE SIGH)

♪

"The nefarious activities
of Goldie's Goodness

"truly know no bounds,

"helmed by a woman who
can best be described

as the matriarch of moral corruption?!"

- Hi, Ginnie.
- You released some chapters.

Yeah, the cat's out of the bag,

so look, no need for threats. Whatever
it is you're here to do, just...

"Despite robbing the
financial futures of thousands

- "of innocent women,
- Oh, you're still going.

"Don't look to Goldie
McMillan for an apology.

Sociopaths never apologize?!"

Sorry, Ginnie, why are you here?

Because these are lies.

We're not putting anyone
out of their homes

- or ruining their lives.
- Are you sure about that?

Well, I mean, yeah! We empower people,

and give them the chance
to grow their own business.

And sure, sometimes people overcommit,

but that's not our responsibility.

- I mean, isn't it though?
- (LAUGHS)

Look, I came here
to talk some sense into you,

but that's obviously not gonna happen,

so you need to back off!

'Cause you poked the bear.

And I'm guessing you've
never come face-to-face

with an angry bear before.

♪

♪