05x18 - Night of the Ropers

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Hey, anybody want a
bite of my sandwich?

Hmm? Oh, not for me, thanks.
I'm going to bed in a minute.

How about you, janet?

No, no, jack, I started
my diet today, remember?

Oh, yeah, that's right, sorry.
I didn't mean to tempt you.

Oh, come on, you
didn't. Don't worry.





- What kind of sandwich?
- Sardine.

Eww, thank you,
jack, you just got me

Through the first
day of my diet.

Oh, no, the poor, little fish.

Cindy, how can I eat with you
feeling sorry for my sandwich?

I'm not, I just remembered
I promised mr. Furley

I'd feed his goldfish
while he's gone.

I wouldn't want him to come back
to a bunch of dead, smelly fish.

Somehow, you know, I'm
not too hungry anymore.

Ugh, stop looking
at me like that.

- Hey, jack?
- Yeah?

How come you came
home so early tonight?

You think I could
stay out and have fun

With my two poor, little roommates
home alone on a friday night?

Oh, jack, that's real
nice, but you know,

Every once in a while,
a girl likes to spend

A nice, quiet evening at home.

She can wash her hair,
write some letters,

Take care of personal
things, you know what I mean?

Sure, janet, I couldn't
get a date, either.

No!

- ( Doorbell rings )
- touchy, touchy, no wonder
you couldn't get a date.

- Temper, temper.
- Oh! Don't you dare.

- Mrs. Roper!
- Janet!

( Laughing )

Oh, it's so good to see you.

- Mrs. Roper!
- Jack!

Big mama!

Oh, it's so good to see you.

Oh, I missed you kids.

How have you been, mrs. Roper?

- Fine, just fine.
- And mr. Roper?

Who cares?

I don't care if I
never see him again.

Oh, come on, you
don't really mean that...

Oh, jack!

Janet, janet.

Janet!

Oh, there, there.
Nothing can be that bad.

Come on, mrs. Roper. Come
on over to the sofa. Come on.

We'll sit down, and then you
can just tell us all about it.

I don't know what
I'm thinking of,

Barging in on you like this.

- We don't mind, do we, jack?
- Of course not.

- I knew I could
count on you kids.
- What are friends for?

My bag's outside.
Would you get it, jack?

- You're staying?
- Of course she is.

What are friends for?
Go get the bag. Get the bag.

I was so upset, no place to go,

No one to turn to, and
then I thought of you kids.

Lucky us.

Jack, I'm sorry. Are you hurt?

Oh, no, it's just a
simple fracture.

Just think, janet,

Do you realize this is
our 25th anniversary?

Wow, how wonderful.
Happy anniversary.

Oh...

Mrs. Roper, this is cindy
snow. She's chrissy's cousin.

Figures.

Cindy, honey, sit down.

And mrs. Roper, you just
relax and tell us what happened.

Well, all I wanted
was for stanley

To take me out
someplace romantic,

You know, maybe a few cocktails,

A candlelight dinner, dancing,

And then, maybe, afterwards...

Well, that isn't too much to ask

On your 25th anniversary, is it?

Not at all.

I would've settled
for the afterwards.

- Oh...
- So where did you go?

Somebody gave stanley two
tickets to a bowling banquet.

Well, I agree, mrs. Roper, that
doesn't sound too romantic.

But you could still
have a good time.

How? He decided to invite
one of his bowling buddies.

Men!

Oh, jack, why don't you
put that bag in your room?

What?

Mrs. Roper can
stay in your room.

- You can sleep on the couch.
- What?

Oh, no, no. Oh, I couldn't.

If you could just point
out a cheap, little motel

In one of the seedier
neighborhoods?

Sure, no problem. You
go two blocks east...

- Jack.
- Hey, wait a minute.

Why can't she stay at
mr. Furley's apartment?

- He's away for the weekend.
- What a wonderful id...

That's your old apartment.
That's perfect. Let's go.

- I'll take you down.
- Are you sure it's all right?

I'm sure he wouldn't mind a
bit. You okay there? Come on.

And listen, this way you can
get a real good night's sleep,

And in the morning we will patch
everything up with mr. Roper.

No, we won't. I don't even
want him to know I'm here.

- Yeah, but won't he be worried?
- Yes. It will do him good.

He's been taking me for
granted for too long.

That's right, mrs. Roper.

Just let him think you're out there
havin' a good time with somebody else.

Janet, I don't think you
should be butting in like that.

- You mean, make him jealous?
- No, she didn't mean that.

Yes, I did, jack, and you
just tell me why not.

I like that. I really like that.

Make him jealous.

Make him see how
attractive I am to other men.

Yeah.

What other men?

Well, mrs. Roper, come on.
That's not gonna be a problem.

Janet, I don't think...

I know you don't, jack. That's
why I'm doing the thinking.

Come on, mrs. Roper.
I'll take you on down.

- Janet, can I talk to you?
- Give me that, jack.

No, give me that.
Give me the bag!

Boy, I don't blame
mrs. Roper one bit.

If my husband forgot
my anniversary,

I'd break every
bone in his body.

Cindy, you'll probably do
that on your wedding night.

No, I'm only kidding.

Listen, I'm tired. I'm
gonna turn in, okay?

- After you.
- Oh, jack.

Good night.

Remember,
left-right, left-right.

- I know!
- Remember, we worked on that.

Oh, fine.

( Doorbell rings )

- Mr. Roper!
- Hi, jack.

- How're you doing?
- Fine, what are you
doing down here?

Well, I just happened to
be in the neighborhood.

Oh, terrific, that's
really, really...

- Where is she?
- Who?

You know who. Helen,
I know you're here.

Mr. Roper...

Helen, come on out here
and face me like a man!

- You're not helen.
- No, I'm cindy.

This is chrissy's cousin.
She's staying with us while...

Who cares? I wanna see
helen, and I know she's here.

She doesn't talk to her sister anymore,
and she doesn't have any friends...

I give you my word, she
is not in this apartment.

And that's the truth, mr. Roper.

Then she's really left me?

Jack, jack, I've lost her.

Oh, hey, mr. Roper,
there, there.

- Don't take it so hard.
- Get away from me.

Mr. Roper, you should
be ashamed of yourself.

Yeah.

It's not what you think.
He took advantage of me.

I mean, about mrs. Roper.

- Then you've seen her! Where is she?
- I can't tell you that.

You know, you're comin'
between a husband and his wife.

Now look, mr. Roper,
why don't we all sit down...

Helen was a perfectly
happy, married woman,

Until these people started filling
her head with those crazy ideas.

Like wanting you to take
her out on her anniversary?

Yeah, things like that.

Mr. Roper, this
is all your fault.

Going to a bowling banquet
on your anniversary?

I didn't go to the
bowling banquet.

- You didn't?
- No.

How could I go after what
happened? I mean, helen was half crazy.

You didn't go because you
were worried about her, right?

I didn't go 'cause she
tore up the tickets.

Yeah, and I don't
blame her one bit.

- Who is she?
- This is chrissy's cousin...

Who cares? Listen.

If I could just see
helen for one minute.

I told you, I can't tell.

She's all I've got...
And I wanna keep her.

Why, mr. Roper.

If I tell you where mrs.
Roper is, will you tell her that?

Nah, I spoiled her
enough already.

Okay, okay, okay, I'll
tell her, I'll tell her.

- You promise?
- I promise.

Okay, she's spending the
night at mr. Furley's apartment.

What?

Well, it's okay. Mr. Furley's
away for the weekend.

Oh.

So, there's no reason
why you can't go

Down there and show
her how much you love her.

Show her?

Yeah, but you're
gonna have to hurry.

She took a sleeping pill.

Oh, good, good. That'll help.

Maybe I'd better just
have a little brandy first.

Oh, come on,
mr. Roper, now, let's go.

It's your old bedroom. I bet it
will bring back a lot of memories.

That's why I need the brandy.

Mr. Roper, it's
getting kinda late.

Can I have another?

Don't you think
you've had enough?

Brandy makes me romantic.

Pour him a double, cindy.

Boy, you should've seen
helen on our wedding day.

She was real beautiful, huh?

Mmm. You know, I'd really
like to stay and talk to you

About it, but my little
cupcake is waiting.

Mr. Roper...

Now go to it. You
know where it is.

Jack, you're talki"
to a married man.

Oh, sweetheart.

Here comes your poopsie-woopsie.

Oh, my god.

Okay, helen, what do you got
to say for yourself, huh, huh?

Stanley, how did you get in?

How did I get in?
How did he get in?

How did you get in?

- How did I get in?
- You shut up, I'll ask
the questions.

I think I know what happened.

You think you know
what happened.

You think you know
what happened.

I think I could
straighten this out.

- Get back in there!
- Yes, sir.

How long has this been going on?

Oh, stanley, for heaven's sake.

Why is it always the husband
who's the last to know?

Know what?

Oh, no!

You don't think that
she... That i... That we...

It's no use, sweetheart.
He's found us out.

What?!

Found out what?!

Helen, after I've given you
the best years of my life...

Yeah, 1956 and part of '57.

Okay, all right.

If this is what
you want, so be it.

As for you, fella...

You take good care of her.

Wait, aren't you gonna fight?

Fight? I'd never hit a woman.

Coward!

He's gone.

Now what're we gonna do?

Nothing!

( Doorbell rings )

( Knocking at door )

- Mr. Roper...
- Don't "mr. Roper" me.

What? Mr. Roper...

You think you're pretty smart.
You think you're pretty smart.

- I don't...
- You think you're pretty smart.

- Okay, I'm smart.
- Well, you're not.

- Okay, I'm not.
- Don't pull that dumb act.

- Dumb act?
- You tried to set me up.

- I set you up?
- See? You admit it. Let me ask you, why?

- Why what?
- You know why what.

You know why, you know
what, you know what, why.

- What?
- You know why, you know what...

Forget it! I don't know
what you're talking about.

You know, you know.

What, does this have
anything to do with mrs. Roper?

Ah-ha, I knew you knew!

Look, mr. Roper, why don't
we sit down, have a drink, and...

I don't want your drink!
I'll buy my own drinks!

You keep away from me!
And you two, too. Two, too.

Good heavens, jack,
what was that all about?

I don't know, but
whatever you cooked up

For mrs. Roper,
it just boiled over.

All I did was try to get a
couple back together again.

- What's wrong with that?
- I don't know.

- ( Doorbell rings )
- but every time you play
cupid, janet,

Something goes wrong.
Mrs. Roper? Mr. Furley?

Janet, stanley found
us in bed together!

Who? You and mr. Furley?!

Some cupid, stupid! You
sh*t the wrong couple.

The two... The two of
you were in bed, together?

( Gasps )

Cindy, could you go out
and make a pot of coffee?

Okay, but tell me
if I miss anything.

Go!

Mr. Furley, would you mind telling
me what you were doing in that bed?

Nothing! I didn't even
know that she was there.

He's a lot like stanley.

But you weren't supposed

To come home until
tomorrow night.

Yeah, mr. Furley, you
really ruined everything.

Oh, no, no, janet. You did.

Huh?

I followed that
advice you gave me.

Oh, no, you didn't try to
make mr. Roper jealous?

( Clears throat )
it didn't work?

No, no, he didn't
even fight for me.

All he did was hand
me over to a stranger,

Like an old sweater.

And I've got all the
old sweaters I need.

Oh, jack, jack, you
have to do something.

Oh, sure, come crawling
to me when you mess up.

Jack, please...

All right, all right,
I'll see what I can do.

- Okay.
- Don't worry, mrs. Roper,
first team is taking over.

- Do you know where he is?
- I have an idea.

- Oh, mrs. Roper.
- Oh, janet, I made
such a mess of things.

If only I hadn't
gone away on that

Singles weekend, this
never would've happened.

If only you hadn't come home,
this never would've happened.

What'd you expect me to do?

I never should've believed
those ads in the first place.

"300 Swinging singles."
Ha! What a laugh.

There weren't any singles there?

- Sure, all over the place.
- Then why did you come home?

Because they were
all guys, like me.

I'm gonna go downstairs to bed.

Wait for me, I'm
coming with you.

Oh, no, you're not!

Oh, for heaven's sake, I
left my clothes down there.

Oh, honestly.

Jim, could I have
a beer over here?

- Sure, jack.
- Hi, mr. Roper.

I told you to stay away from me.

I know, you have a
perfect right to be mad.

Look, if she sent you down
after me, you're wasting your time.

- Who needs her?
- Well, not you.

Not after you have your pick
of all those beautiful women.

Darn right. What women?

What women? Come on, mr. Roper.

When a good-looking,
macho guy like you

Becomes eligible in this
town, you know what happens?

Women from all over
descend on him like locusts.

That makes sense.

Between you and me, some of
these women are pretty fantastic.

That is, according to those guys

Who go in for that sort
of thing. Excuse me. Ooh!

Well, I'll be ready for 'em.

The women of today
know what they want,

And they won't take
no for an answer.

They won't?

You won't have a minute's peace,
not that you want one. ( Laughs )

So, you won't have time to sit
around and watch television anymore.

- No tv?
- No.

You'll be going out every night,
dancing, eating in expensive restaurants.

Expensive?

You'll be going to
the ballet, the theater.

- Expensive?
- Yeah.

But who cares about
money, when you think

Of those long romantic nights?

I gotta go.

Wait a minute, mr. Roper.
What about beautiful women?

I don't want a beautiful
woman. I want helen.

Mr. Roper, you know,
she seemed fairly upset.

A man's gotta do
what a man's gotta do.

What's that?

I'm gonna go see
her and tell her

That I'm big enough to
admit that she made a mistake.

Would you hurry
it up, mrs. Roper?

I'm almost asleep out here.

Yeah, I'll be outta
here in just a second.

Good.

And, uh, oh, mr. Furley,

Uh, I just want to tell you

How sorry I am, uh, if
I inconvenienced you.

That's okay.

And I'm also sorry about...

Well, you know, what happened.

I mean, it musta been very
embarrassing for you.

Yeah, it was nothin'
to write home about.

You can say that again.

Oh, look, I'll just
let myself out. I...

The girls said she came
down here to change.

Yeah, listen, jack, I wanna
apologize for what I said before.

I really thought you
were trying to set me up.

That's okay, mr. Roper,
the important thing

Is for you and mrs.
Roper to get together.

- I know.
- So make it sound

Like you mean it
when you apologize.

Are you kiddin'? It better
be the other way around.

She better apologize to me!

Get your hands off my wife!

Come on, come on,
get outta there.

Wait, wait, there's
been a mistake!

But you made it! Hit the
deck. Put 'em up, come on.

All right, I gotta warn ya,
these hands are lethal weapons.

( Both shouting ) ha!

He's fighting for me!
He's fighting for me!

Hey, hey, boys, boys!

Oh, he really does love me!

Ha, ha, ha!

Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Ha, ha!

Uh, mr. And mrs. Roper,
mr. Furley's upset...

Excuse me, pardon me, I think
mr. Furley wants his bed back.

Well, he can have it tomorrow.

Tonight, he can
stay at your place.

Jack, you set me up again.

( Kissing )

Oh, what the hell?

Okay, all together now.

♪ Happy anniversary to you ♪

♪ Happy anniversary to you ♪

♪ Happy 25th anniversary,
mr. And mrs. Roper ♪

♪ Happy anniversary to you! ♪

( All cheering )

( Yawns )

You'll have to excuse stanley.

He's not used to being
in bed and not sleeping.

Wow, 25 years.

How does it feel to be
married that long, mr. Roper?

Uh, you can get
used to anything.

Well, you can joke all you want,

But you have to admit that
last night was pretty wonderful.

( Giggles ) thanks to you
kids, and especially jack.

Oh, come on, I
didn't do anything.

Yeah, if you didn't come for me,

We wouldn't have gotten
together like we did last night.

- Well, maybe.
- No, really.

And someday, I'm gonna get even.

( Theme music playing )

John ritter: three's company was
videotaped in front of a studio audience.

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