05x16 - A Suitcase Full of Cash and a Yellow Clown Car

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Young Sheldon...

Apparently, the football boosters
think I'm not doing my job.

You know you're gonna have
to talk to them, right?

- Yes.
- Maybe I should come.

[scoffs] I'm not gonna
insult their children.

You sure?

Okay, come.

I got a question.

Go ahead, Roy.

What in the hell were you thinking

punting with a minute on the clock?

Meeting's over.

FLOYD: There it is.

The Cooper Surrender.

- [laughter]
- The Cooper Surrender.

GEORGE SR.: Bye-bye.

Guess what, I'm buying a laundromat.

DALE: So there's a secret back room

at the laundromat where you gamble?

[whoops]

Give me a sense

for how illegal this is.

Who says it's illegal?

Well, why is it a secret?

Okay, it's illegal.

ADULT SHELDON: Today I thought
we could talk about relationships,

so I've invited my
lovely wife Amy to help.

AMY: Thanks for letting me join in.

ADULT SHELDON: Are you jealous
when I do this without you?

- No.
- Because one of the most common sources

of conflict in
relationships is jealousy.

Now, Amy, did you know
jealousy is triggered

in the left part of the cerebral cortex?

AMY: I'm sorry, are you
about to explain neuroscience

to your wife, the Nobel
Prize-winning neuroscientist?

- ADULT SHELDON: Yes. Jealous?
- AMY: I'll tell you when there isn't

- a microphone in front of us.
- ADULT SHELDON: Ooh, mystery.

That'll keep a relationship on its toes.

AMY: Your bathroom schedule
is on the refrigerator.

We have no mystery.

ADULT SHELDON: Moving
on, physical intimacy.

I believe I said "physical intimacy,"

which can pose another
challenge in relationships.

AMY: Especially when one partner
doesn't want to be intimate

as frequently as the other.

ADULT SHELDON: Ooh, who
are we talking about?

[stammers] Don't tell me.

Let the mystery continue.

AMY: Just read the next one.

ADULT SHELDON: Money is a frequent
source of conflict in a relationship.

AMY: Thankfully that's
never been a problem for us.

ADULT SHELDON: Says the woman who
took away my comic book allowance.

AMY: To start a college
fund for our children.

ADULT SHELDON: Comic
books are an investment.

AMY: There are better places

to invest our money than
that weird wolf man you like.

ADULT SHELDON: His name is
Wolverine and you know it.

AMY: Okay we're off on a
tangent. I'm taking over.

Money can be a source of
conflict in a relationship,

even having too much.

ADULT SHELDON: Wh...
Hey, this is my story.

AMY: I know. Jealous?

I need to show you something.

- Okay.
- Now, don't freak out.

Well, that's not helping.

Whoa.

The gambling room's doing well.

I can see that, Scarface.
But why is it here?

Well, I can't exactly
take it down to the bank.

- Why not?
- They'd bust me for money laundering.

Well, it's small bills.
Tell them you're a stripper.

It's $ , .

Well, tell them you're a good stripper.

♪ Nobody else is stronger than I am ♪

♪ Yesterday I moved a mountain ♪

♪ I bet I could be your hero ♪

♪ I am a mighty little man ♪

ADULT SHELDON: Grandmas love
to spoil their grandchildren.

Especially when the grandma
has a suitcase full of cash

she doesn't know what to do with.

- Whoa.
- Oh, my.

Did you mean to give
us ten dollar bills?

Because these are hundreds.

I'm gonna kick your ass.

MEEMAW: I know it's a lot,

but why not see you enjoy it

while I'm still around?

Ooh, there's an inheritance, too?

Well, depends on how you
treat me in my golden years.

I'm not interested
in your money, Meemaw.

You're pretty and I love you.

Now, don't you have
something to say to me?

- Thank you.
- I'm rich.

WILKINS: Morning.

Morning.

So, how you holding up?

What does that mean?

Nothing.

What?

There's no easy way to say this,

so I'm just gonna say it.

I was at a meeting last
night with the boosters.

Without me?

They might've thought that
would be uncomfortable,

seeing as it was about you.

About me how?

Well, they were floating the idea

of me being head coach next year.

What the hell, Wayne?

I didn't know what
it was gonna be about.

Well, what did you tell them?

Look, I want you to keep your job.

Well, then tell them
you're not interested.

But...

if you're not gonna keep your job,

I want your job.

Really? You want to spend
your days coaching lazy kids

and getting yelled at by their parents?

Come on, George.

Don't forget the dirty
looks after you lose,

like you're the one that
fumbled on the three-yard line.

That's the job you want?

It's called coaching, George.

GEORGE SR.: I mean, how could Wayne

s*ab me in the back like this?

I don't think Wayne
stabbed you in the back.

Can you please just agree with me?

Sorry.

So, what happens now?

I don't know. I guess I
wait and see if I'm fired.

Well, if that happens, you
can always get another job.

Medford has one high school. [stammers]

Another job could mean moving.

But our roots are here.

My mom is here.

So, moving's got its upsides.

Didn't Sheldon's college talk to you

about coaching there once?

That's right, they did.

And you know the president

- pretty well now.
- I do.

And they're used to losing,
so it's low pressure.

Thank you.

You have a calculator I can borrow?

Yes, but I'm using it.

No, you're not.

Why do you need a calculator?

I'm trying to figure out
what to spend my money on.

What are you gonna do with yours?

I'm glad you asked.

I'm dipping my toe in the exciting world

of the stock market by
purchasing three shares

- of RadioShack.
- Why?

Well, as a shareholder,
I'll be partial owner

of my very favorite company.

See, when companies go public,
they sell shares of stock...

I'll just buy my own calculator.

Thank you for seeing
me, President Hagemeyer.

Of course. My door is
open to all Coopers.

Even Alice Cooper, who I've
always found oddly sexy.

Don't think we're related,

but if I meet him, I'll let him know.

[chuckles]

So, what can I do for you?

When y'all were first
recruiting Sheldon,

you offered me a chance to
head up your football program.

And you turned us down.

I was right in the middle of rebuilding

Medford's team, but now,

I'm ready for a new challenge.

Well, Mr. Cooper...

Please, call me Coach.

Oh, and this just occurred to me,

but, uh, if I were here,

I could help keep an eye on Sheldon,

take some of the burden off you.

[laughs]: Oh, your son is no burden.

He's a pain in the ass,
ma'am. You can say it.

- Well, whether he is or he isn't...
- He is.

...we don't have a
football team anymore.

What?

You're a university in Texas.

We are a science-focused university.

But you got that whole stadium.

Well, we still have soccer.

Oh.

What-what about Texas A&M?

Pretty sure they have
a football program.

Yeah, if that doesn't work,
maybe I'll try the Cowboys.

Hey, reach for the stars. [chuckles]

DALE: George?

Hey, Dale.

Surprised to see you here.

Are you?

Not even a little.

You ever hear of a Texas
college that only plays soccer?

[sighs] Can I get a beer first

before we start with the hard questions?

I went to Sheldon's college
for a possible coaching gig.

They don't even have a team anymore.

Huh. So you're looking for a new job?

Something like that.

Well, there's plenty of teams out there.

Yeah, but I'm starting to think

it's gonna be the same BS wherever I go.

That's how I feel about life.

Wherever I go... [blows raspberry]

[chuckles] Yeah.

You ever think about
doing something different?

Well, I played football,
I coach football,

I watch a lot of football.

So unless sitting here becomes a job...

How about selling footballs?

You mean, like, at your store?

Yeah. I could always use the help.

I'm not looking for a handout.

That's not what this is.

I'd love to have more time off.

And it could be nice to
have someone at the store

who I could trust.

Well, thanks, uh...

I'll think about it.

Well, don't thank me,
I'm just taking advantage

of your crappy situation.

How do you know I'm not
taking advantage of yours?

Because I'm a very
successful businessman,

and you're sitting here
in the middle of the day.

Well, you're here, too.

You were here first.

ADULT SHELDON: I'd only been
a shareholder for one day

and I was already reveling
in the giddy thrill

in being part owner of
a thriving tech company.

Hello, RadioShack. Sheldon
Cooper, shareholder.

I just wanted to let
you know I'm so excited

to be part of the team.

While I sound young, rest assured,

I'm far more intelligent
than my age would imply.

So if there's anything I can do to help,

budgeting, product
design, finding a word

more impressive than
"shack," I'm your man.

ADULT SHELDON: My sister had taken
a different path with her money.

What is that?

- It's a cotton candy machine.
- Why?

It's a machine that
makes free cotton candy.

It's not free, you paid for it.

Meemaw paid for it.

And it's still better than lame stocks.

You're going to end
up with a stomach ache

while I get to be part of America's

favorite electronics retailer.

Really? George is gonna
work at your store?

Yeah, well, he's gonna give it a try

on nights and weekends,
see if he likes it.

Hmm. And what if he does?

Well, hopefully, I can
start stepping back.

To do what?

Well, I got money in the bank,

and you got some in a suitcase.

Well, we could put it together,

we could travel, we
could buy a vacation home.

Well, I can't just up and leave.

I mean, I got the gambling room.

Georgie can take care of that,
and besides, what's the use

of having all that money
and not enjoying it?

I guess.

God, we could go to Mexico

and get a cabana

and spend days on the beach.

And our nights on the toilet?

[both laugh]

Yeah, doesn't sound half bad.

What's up?

I figured out you can put

all kinds of candy in the machine.

Try this.

Why is it brown?

It's butterscotch from
Meemaw's candy bowl.

[scoffs] I think that
candy's older than you.

Doesn't taste like it.

Not bad.

I'm gonna bring a bunch to school.

How much you gonna charge for it?

Nothing. They're my friends.

You think Ronald McDonald
let his friends eat for free?

Ronald McDonald isn't real.

The point is, you shouldn't
give this away for free.

How much would I even charge?

Hmm. How about cents?

They only cost me,
like, two cents to make.

Yeah, but you're not
factoring in your time

and the cost of the machine you bought

and the value of the brainpower it took

to think of butterscotch cotton candy.

Yeah. No one else thought
of putting old-lady candy

in a cotton candy machine.

Why should they get it for free?

Welcome to business.

Thank you for having me.

ADULT SHELDON: While my sister
was starting her business,

I was trying to save mine.

Hello, this is Sheldon Cooper.

May I speak to CEO John Roach, please?

It's regarding our
stock taking a small dip,

and I'd like to hear his game plan.

Well, I'm busy, too, but
I made the time to call.

Fine, may I please speak to your COO?

CFO? CTO?

Hello?

Oh, no, t-these are great shoes,

but at his age, he's
gonna grow out of them

before you hit the parking lot.

[chuckles]

These are just as good,

and they're gonna save
you a little money.

Thank you.

Take them up to the counter,

I'll be right there to ring them up.

DALE: George.

You realize you're on
commission, don't you?

You know what you never
grow out of? Socks.

I'm gonna grab you some socks.

[door opens]

How about some wristbands?

Hey. What are you doing here?

I came to take you to dinner.

Really? Uh, I'll grab my keys.

No need. I'll drive tonight.

But you might want to grab a jacket.

♪ Riding along in my automobile... ♪

DALE: You actually bought this thing?

It's fun, huh?

I feel like I'm riding in a banana.

Oh, come on. It's a beautiful day.

The top is down.

Feel that wind.

Yeah, I feel the wind. I
just can't feel my feet.

Well, put your seat back.

If I put it any further
back, I'd be in the trunk.

Starting to wish I
hadput you in the trunk.

What are you doing now?

Keeping the bugs out of my mouth.

Mom, savor this moment.

Can you take me to church?

Uh, I'm a little busy.

- Can it wait?
- No. I've come up

with a plan to bolster
RadioShack's market share,

and I need to fax it to corporate.

I'll tell you what,

I'll take it with me in
the morning and do it then.

But our stock is in a slump,

and CompUSA is nipping at our heels.

If you really want to be helpful,

you could set the table.

Why should I help you with your job

if you won't help me with mine?

- Sheldon.
- This is important.

My plan is to turn RadioShack
into a shopping destination,

a megastore complete with restaurants

and games and electronics.

Kind of like Six Flags,

except with less screaming and vomit.

I'm not taking you.

How can I be a business tycoon

if my mommy won't drive me places?

[entry bell jingles]

George?

Roy.

You work here now?

Yeah, just nights and weekends

since you and the boosters
are gunning for my neck.

Hey, it's nothing personal.

Mm, good to know. I'll be sure

to tell the bank that has my mortgage.

How many losing seasons are
we supposed to put up with

before we make a change?

Frankly, I'm surprised
you lasted this long.

You're lucky I'm working right now.

I ain't here to cause trouble.

Something I can help you with?

Just a little fishing tackle.

[sighs] Follow me.

♪ We're gonna dance tonight. ♪

Want to share a pitcher of margaritas?

Oh, something we can both enjoy?

That doesn't sound like you.

I'm sorry, what?

Don't worry about it.

What, you-you just gonna sit there

and pout and not tell me?

I was talking about
us traveling together,

and instead, you went out
and bought a yellow clown car.

You're the one who told me to go
out and have fun with my money.

I meant something fun for us.

Why us? It's my money.

You made that perfectly clear.

It's just a car.

It's not just a car.

I think you got scared.

Scared of what?

I was talking about our future,

and you panicked.

I think I've got a successful business

and my own money and
you can't handle it.

Oh, really?

Yeah. Really.

What can I get started for you?

Actually, I think we're leaving.

I'm not going anywhere.

I'll have the enchiladas.

So, I said cents for
one or two for a dollar,

and everyone bought two.

People love a deal.

I know. I sold out.

- Then you got to start charging more.
- How much more?

Just raise the price a little at a time

until you see your profits top out.

I'm learning, but it's fun.

This is weird.

What do you mean, he hasn't read my fax?

Is he aware I'm a shareholder?

Well, where's the next
shareholders' meeting?

Fort Worth?

I could barely get my
mom to drive me to church.

- Think they'd pay a dollar apiece?
- Sure.

Just tell them it's a
special limited edition.

People go nuts for that.

[gasps] Like the Shamrock Shake.

Exactly.

Every year, I'm like, "This
tastes like toothpaste."

But every year, I buy it.

Well, I'll just tell you, then.

Imagine an electronics megastore.

Actually, "mega" doesn't cut it.

Imagine an electronics yottastore.

Yotta. It's ten to the th power.

No, don't put me on hold.

[groans]

[entry bell jingles]

[door closes]

Hello.

Hey.

So, you weren't returning my calls.

Uh, it's been kind of
crazy around here today.

Mm-hmm.

So, I was thinking about what
you were saying last night.

You know, you could've just said,

"I don't want to travel."

You're picturing a
future where we slow down,

and I'm just getting going.

Well, I've been going for years.

When George started talking

about taking over the store, I-I...

I saw a way out.

Then do it.

[chuckles]: I don't want
to do it without you, dummy.

Well, then you're gonna
have to wait a little.

I don't think I can do that.

What are you saying?

You know I love you, right?

I love you, too.

But we're done.

♪ And the river's wild ♪

♪ And high ♪

♪ And sometimes low. ♪

ADULT SHELDON: My mother would say

money is the root of all evil.

But she also said that
aboutThe Simpsons.

I say money is just
a medium of exchange,

a way of transforming something

into something else.

My meemaw bought a sports car

and transformed a
relationship in the process.

My sister transformed her
money into a thriving business

that was eventually shut
down due to an infestation.

Ew.

ADULT SHELDON: And for a brief moment,

I became part of my dream company.

Fun fact: later that year,

RadioShack did open a megastore

called Incredible Universe. Turned out

the only thing incredible about it

was how quickly it closed down.

Oopsie.