04x20 - My Two Harpers

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Wizards of Waverly Place". Aired: October 12, 2007 - January 6, 2012.*
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Alex and her two brothers Justin and Max come from a long line of wizards and must master their newly learned powers or lose them forever.
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04x20 - My Two Harpers

Post by bunniefuu »

OK, I think we lost Alex

by the Shakespeare in the Park performance.

Yeah, she's probably still yelling at Hamlet.

"Yo, Ham-ster!

Methinks there's a wedgie
in thy tights!"

Harper, I really wanted this
to be a special day

for just us and, once again,
Alex tagged along.

I'm sorry, Zeke.

Ever since she broke up with
Mason, she's been so clingy,

like one of those dryer sheets
that falls out of your pant leg

at the most embarrassing moments.

That's a great comparison.
What made you think of that?

There's one peeking out
of your pant leg right now.

Oh, so embarrassing!

Good thing we're alone.
Yeah.

Hey... we're alone.
That's right.

There you guys are.

Ooh, you were about
to smooch it up, weren't you?

All right, I'll leave you alone
for a little bit.

Are you done now?

Now?

Are you guys done now?
We're done!

Good.

All right.
So what are we gonna do

to keep this party rolling?

You know, we were just saying
it's been a long day.

We are... We are b*at.

Harper's right. Yawn.

Oh, no, no, come on.
We're having way too much fun

to stop now and be by ourselves.

Sorry, Alex. Why don't you
just go on without us?

We're too tired to walk anywhere, anyway.

Well, who says we have to walk?

All right...
Let's roll!

♪ Everything... ♪

♪ is not... ♪

♪ What it seems ♪

Seems

♪ Well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze ♪

♪ And the end will no doubt justify the means ♪

♪ You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease ♪

♪ Yes, please ♪

♪ But you might find out it'll go to your head ♪

♪ When you write a report on a book you never read ♪

♪ With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed ♪

♪ That's what I said ♪

♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams ♪

♪ You might run into trouble if you go to extremes ♪

♪ Because everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ Be careful not to mess with the balance of things ♪

♪ Because everything is not ♪

♪ What it seems ♪

No!

Whoa, Dad's b*ating up
the calculator again.

Multiply your numbers now, punk!

It's our worst month ever.

You say that every month, Dad.

I know. It just keeps
getting worse.

I think it's time for desperate measures.

You mean...
the Budget Binder?

Yes.

My moment has finally arrived.

This notebook contains a
lifetime of my groundbreaking,

cost-cutting business ideas.

Let's open it up.

"Throw away nothing."

You throw away nothing.

Like this used ketchup packet.

It's still half full.

You fold it in half, get a handy stapler,

put it in here...
Brand new!

That is a great idea, Justin!

It's not me, Dad.
It's the binder.

Well, I made the binder,
so it's kind of me.

Hey, Dad, let me help.
I've got some ideas, too.

Um... Not now, Max.

Justin's kind of the
idea person in the family.

So... So then what am I?

You're a person in the family.

So you don't even want to hear my ideas?

Um... Maybe later, Max.

All right, I'll go
tell myself my good ideas.

Justin, I think your binder

is gonna save us a lot of dough.

"Dough" takes me
right to "bread."

"Sell week-old rolls as
promotional hockey pucks."

Oh, he sh**t, he scores!
He scores!

OK, I don't know where Alex is,

so let's make a break for it.
OK.

There she is!
There she is!

All right, two words:
Game night, DVDs,

and bags of crunchy things,
coated in cheese dust.

And then afterwards, we can
wipe our fingers on the couch.

It's great having an orange couch.

Two words? That's like,
a whole bunch of words.

That add up to one word:
A fun, fun night.

Alex, we need to talk.

OK, this isn't easy to say.

These things never are.

It's just, lately, Harper and I

have kinda been feeling
like we need our space.

Space? Oh, I'm sorry.

Am I sitting too close
to you guys or something?

No, Alex, that's not it.

It's not even you, it's us.
It's us.

Yeah, we should take a break.

Whoa.

Are you breaking up with me?
No, we just think, maybe,

it would be a good idea if we just
started seeing other couples.

I see.
And I mean, come on,

it's not like we won't be there for you.

I know the break-up
with Mason has been really hard.

Mason?
I am so over Mason.

Who's Mason?
British guy, werewolf,

gets really hairy when he's angry...
I know who he is.

Look, I'm fine.

Why don't you guys go out
and spend some time alone?

You're sure?
Yeah, yeah.

I could use some "me" time.

Now, get out of here, you crazy couple!
Come on!

Have fun!

Justin, what are you doing?

It's just another one
of my ideas to save money.

So instead of buying paper napkins,
we have one community napkin.

Excuse me. Sir, would you...

like to wipe your mouth
before you leave?

Thank you.

Just one wipe, sir.

Have a good day, sir.

That is a great idea, son.
Aah!

I see you're taking
advantage of our special

"no-cup" discount
and community straw.

That's enough, sir.
Have a good day.

I just ran the receipts for today,

and your ideas have saved us
dollars and cents!

Bam! And that is
the power of the binder!

Hey, Justin, I've got
something for your binder.

This money is real.

Where'd he get all this?

Hello, hello, hello! Welcome to
the Wizardly Place Sub Station.

Please speak clearly into the dragon snout.

All right, I have eye of the newt
club and the lizard leg tenders.

Would you care to
supernatural-size that?

No problem, sir, pull your magic
carpet up to the first window, please.

Max, what is going on here?

Nothing. Just bringing in new customers
to help make a little money.

You opened up the Sub Station
to the wizard world?

Uh-huh.
That's a great idea.

No, it's not.

I mean, it's a good idea...

but I know how
to make it a great idea.

Why limit yourself
to just drive-throughs?

We could have
sit-down dining, too.

I like it. We could put a bunch
of tables and chairs in here

and turn it into a dining room.

But, Dad, I'm barely able o handle
the drive-through as it is.

I mean, if we do that, we're gonna
need more help. No we don't.

As I say in the Budget Binder,

"Never hire someone to do something
that you can do yourself."

You and I will wait the tables.
Dad, you can cook the food.

I can handle that.
But, Dad.

That's a lot more work than we're used to.

Max. Shh! This is
idea people talking.

All right. I've got
a customer to handle, anyways.

♪ Together forever ♪

♪ Yeah, you broke up with me
over text message ♪

♪ But you still want me back ♪.

Oh, give me a break.

My drummer, Harper, is with her boyfriend.

I'm so bored without you here, Harper.

Maybe you can be here.

Why be alone when you can
whip up a Harper clone?

Hey, Harper, wanna hang out?

Sure, Alex.
Can you sit in on drums?

Oh, I'd love to.

Oh, and I'll make popcorn
to throw at the TV when we lose.

Oh, we're not gonna lose.
We're gonna own it.

Hey, Alex, have you seen my jacket?

Who is your
fashion-forward friend?

It's me!

Harper, meet Harper.

Alex, you made a copy of me?
It's gonna be fine, Harper.

Fine?

No, Clonie, I was talking to Harper.

You gotta watch for the eye contact.

Alex, You can't just
go around cloning people

without their permission.
Well, uh...

Well... you borrowed
my boots without asking.

OK, those were footwear.
You borrowed a whole person!

Oh, she doesn't like me.

No, no, no, I do like you.

You're me!

Look what you've made me do,
Alex. I've hurt my own feelings.

I'm sorry I didn't ask for your permission,

but a clone is a perfect
solution to everything.

Oh, and how do you figure that?

This should be good.

Well, you and Zeke have
more time to be a couple,

and I get to still hang out
with you, my best friend.

Hmm...

Well, I guess I am flattered.

My Harper-ness is so in demand,

it takes two Harpers just to keep up.

Plus, you could look
at yourself without a mirror.

Spin it around, Clonie.

I am gorgeous!
Oh, we really are.

Hey, Alex.
Harper. Harper.

Oh, no.
Oh, my gosh! OK!

I'm freaking out right now, OK?

Oh! There's two Harpers!
There's two...

And... boyfriend down.
Yep.

Got my orders, Dad?
Yes.

Spicy cold-cut combo
for the human. Done.

Dad, I need another order
of Munchkin Toe Chips.

Oh, and here's the community napkin.

Two restaurants, one napkin...
How can we not make money?

I know that breaking up with
Mason was the right thing,

it's just that breakups
are hard, you know what I mean?

Not really.

You probably don't.
You're only a couple days old.

But thanks for listening.

Hey, Harper.
Hi, Harper.

Hi, Alex. Hi... me.

We have been having the best day ever.

You know that hot, new
discount shoe store downtown?

Oh, Heels and Deals?
We've been talking about

checking that place out for months.

Yeah, well now you don't have
to, 'cause I did it for you!

It was awesome. They had this
really funny salesman there.

Right, Clonie?
Oh, Pierre. Best accent ever!


"How are zee shoes, ladies?"

We tried on, like, pairs of shoes
without buying anything.

And then Pierre kicked us out

and swore at us in French.

Oh, it was awesome.
Yeah.

Wow, it sounds like I had fun.

So how was your day, Harper?

Must've been nice to have
all the alone time with Zeke.

Oh, yeah, we went shopping,
too. For dental floss.

And he couldn't decide
between plain and minty.

So we decided to do more online research.

Fun!

OK, how brilliant was this cloning idea?

I don't mean to brag or anything,
but I'm, like, the cloning queen.

I think that was bragging.

OK, you don't have to
totally be like Harper.

Well, I'm gonna see
if my dad wants anything

from that place that sells bacon cupcakes.

Wait, you're going to Oinkie's without me?

But you said we were
going to do that together.

More couple time for you
and Zeke. You're welcome.

All right, you go have your
fun at Oinkie's, Clone Girl,

but remember one thing:
I'm the original Harper.

You are just a cheap,
little knockoff. OK...

And don't you even think about
being more fun than me,

'cause I will take you down!
You're scaring me.

Oh, yeah. That's right.
I know all your little fears.

All right, she's coming.
Now start laughing like I said something funny.

All right, so my dad
wants us to bring him back

a bacon cupcake wrapped in bacon.

Bye, Harper.
All right.

Have fun, Alex and me.

Oh, joke's on her.

That dress does not
look good from the back.

My dress doesn't look good from the back!

Dad, I need that tuna melt.
All right.

And where's my order, Dad?
I got a flying carpet mechanic who's getting angry.

All right.
My customers are getting impatient!

All right, all right,
I'm moving as fast as I can!

All right? They're gonna
get everything I... Oh!

What do they think, they
can just snap their fingers

and their food'll be ready?
Pretty much. They're wizards.

OK, sir, here's your order.

One dragon melt, extra-scaly!

About time, kid. What, did you
have to slay the dragon first?

Hey, this isn't a dragon melt!

Smells like fish.

Some of my best friends are
mermaids. I can't eat this.

Here you go, ma'am.
Sorry for the wait.

Finally.

There's a lizard
in my tuna melt! Ugh!

Can't you just eat around it?

Dad! That tuna melt you
gave me was a dragon melt!

Did the lady notice?
Of course!

There was a little dragon in her sandwich!

Can't she just eat around it?

I tried that. She didn't
listen to reason.

Now she's gone. Apparently
people don't like

little dragons in their sandwiches.

Dad, you messed up all my orders.

All the wizard world customers
flashed out without tipping.

Everybody's gone?
Yes!

Wow. We ruined both restaurants.

I'm sorry, Dad.

I guess my wizard world restaurant idea

was too much for us to handle.

No, Max.
Your idea was good.

And it was working until we came along,

got greedy, and ruined it.

Dad, stop. He's gonna think we
want to hear things from him.

Max, you have things to say,

and from now on, we're gonna listen to you.

All right.

Well, I think one community
napkin is a health hazard,

and can get us in trouble.

That's totally ridiculous.

The community napkin is a
revolutionary money-saver!

Oh, Oinkie's was so good, Clonie!

I love how they weigh you
before and after you eat,

so that they can charge you by the pound.

Oh, I love how when you leave a tip,

the counter guy has to go...

"Oinkety oink, oink!"

All right, I'm gonna give my dad

his bacon-wrapped bacon cupcake.

If you hear crying, those are tears of joy.

Or a heart att*ck.

Hey, Harper. I just flossed.
I'm all "minty."

Well, you know how I feel
about proper gum care.

Zeke, what are you doing?
She's the clone!

Can't you tell?
Yeah, sure, yeah. Of course.

Kinda. No!

Hey, could you guys leave Clonie alone?

We're about to do some prank texting.

Oh, sh**t, I ruined it.
They were going to you.

All right...
It was bad enough

this clone you made
took away my best friend,

but now she's trying to steal my boyfriend!

Harper, I don't know what
you're getting so upset about.

She's probably just mad
'cause she knows I'm cuter.

Oh, whoa, no...
Hey.

All right, this is a very
unattractive side of myself.

Harper, can't you share your
boyfriend with yourself?

Plus, even if I did kiss her,

it's not like I'd be kissing another girl.

I'd still be kissing you.

Yeah, that is sort of how this whole
clone thing works. I'll demonstrate...

Oh, whoa, no.
You back off, Clonezilla!

Alex, we gotta get rid of her!

OK, OK.

Alex, what's wrong?
Just do it!

I can't.
And why not?

Because... I broke up
with my boyfriend,

and I needed my best friend.

This clone is all I have.
Well, I'm your best friend.

Oh, my gosh.

I'm your best friend,
and I wasn't there for you.

I just wanted to hang out with Zeke.

I'm so sorry, Alex.
It's OK.

It's not right for me to come
in-between you and your boyfriend

just 'cause I don't have one.

I'm sorry, too.

So am I supposed to go
with the clone now? Or...

No! We are
getting rid of her.

Well, why me?
Why not her?

I was the nicest one here.

Alex!
I'm on it.

Hit the road, clone, we want to be alone!

I guess you guys are gonna want some
best friend time, so I'll just...

No, wait, Zeke.
I can stay?

No, you have a dryer sheet
sticking out of your pant leg.

Oh, my gosh!
So embarrassing!

OK, Clonie.

Do not tell Harper that I brought you back.

I need you to help me do something very, very important.

Well, anything, Alex.

I need you to help me
b*at my high score. Go!

♪ Together forever ♪

♪ You broke up with me
over text message ♪

Hey, Alex.

What is she doing here?

See you in PE!

Oh, I know where you hide.
Come here!
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