06x15 - Maid to Order

[bunniefuu]

[Man] ♪ come and
knock on our door ♪

[Woman] ♪ come and
knock on our door ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

[Both] ♪ where the kisses
are hers and hers and his ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪
♪ come and dance on our floor ♪

♪ Take a step that is new ♪
♪ take a step that is new ♪

♪ We've a loveable space
that needs your face ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ You'll see that life is a ball
again laughter is calling for you ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

Almost ready.

Jack, did you see that mess
you left in the living room?

That's no way to
talk about terri!

What are you doing? I'm just
finishing a batch of caramel clusters.

Haven't you got
something better to do?

Yes, janet, good
idea. Come here.

Oh, jack. Would you
make up your mind?

Oh!

Tripper, you know, you
got a one-track mind.

What are you doing now?

I'm getting ready to
watch the laker game.

With the apartment
looking like this?

The lakers won't mind.

Jack, it's your turn to
clean the apartment.

It is not, it's terri's
day to clean! No, it isn't!

Yes, it is. Don't you
remember? We traded.

I took your tuesday laundry
for my saturday shopping.

Your saturday shopping?

Jack, that was my saturday.

Only I had to work late so
you gave me your wednesday.

That was the night
you went to the movies,

So I took your wednesday
and you took my thursday.

And I took your
saturday. Exactly.

And you know what that means.

[Both] it's your turn to clean!

Ohhh.

Hey, anybody wanna
trade? Oh janet...

I'll give you my
tuesday! [Doorbell rings]

You're driving me crazy! Both
you girls are driving me crazy.

They're driving me crazy!

At least it won't
be a long trip!

Thank you, cindy.

Come on in, cindy.

And don't mind him. We're having a
nice, friendly family-type argument.

About what? About whose
turn it is to clean this apartment.

Oh, don't argue. Why don't you
guys just get a cleaning lady?

We're going to do that right
after we bought the rolls royce.

Jack, it wouldn't
cost that much.

A lot of kids at ucla do housework
to pick up a few extra bucks.

Well, cindy, how much
is "not that much"?

About $30 for the
day. It's only $10 a piece.

Yeah. What do you say, guys?

We could have her
come every second week.

Well, I don't know. Angelino's
is closed for remodeling,

So I'm out of a job.

We'll lend you the
money! Thanks, but i...

Come on, jack. That's
what friends are for.

If you can't borrow from
them, who can you borrow from?

She's right, jack.
Good! Then it's settled.

Good! So, cindy,
what brings you here?

I need to borrow $20.

Sure. Great.

Here's 10... 20. Thanks!

I'll put your ad for a maid
on the ucla bulletin board.

Oh, thanks, cindy. Bye!

[All] bye!

Here, terri. While I'm at it,

Let me give you my share
of rent for tomorrow.

Oh, thanks, janet. Mm-hmm.

Jack. Rent.

[Whispering] I'm sorry,
I don't have it. What?

[Whispers] I don't have it.

[Both] we can't here
you! I don't have it!

You don't even
have the rent money?

You know I'm out of work!

Jack... Well, I suppose
we could lend it to you.

Sure we could.

Oh, I feel terrible. You guys
are practically supporting me.

Oh, come on,
jack. No, I mean it.

You guys should have a
roommate who can pay his own way.

Hmm. You know what,
terri? He's right.

We oughta get ourselves
another roommate.

Yeah, someone with money.

Huh?

Do you know anybody
down at the hospital?

There is this one doctor.
He's young, very handsome...

[Laughing] yeah, right.

Go on, you couple of kidders.

You are kidding,
right? Janet, terri?

Of course we're kidding.
We'd never kick you out.

Nah. At least not until
after we learned how to cook.

Thank you!

Go watch your laker game.
Hey, you wanna watch with me?

No, we can't, jack. We have
to go to a lecture on sex.

You're gonna pass up the
lakers for some boring...

What kind of lecture?

Actually, it's very interesting.

It's called "an illustrated survey
of sex in contemporary society."

I'll get my sweater.

What about the lakers?

Come on. Who wants
to watch a bunch of

Tall millionaires
in short pants?

About this lecture, does it
have, uh, full color slides?

Well, jack, it's like I
said, it's an illustrated

Survey of sex in
contemporary society.

Showing how women have been
debased for the past 30 years.

Afterwards, there's gonna be
this consciousness-raising session.

Where we get to vent our fury over
america's male-dominated, sexist society.

Mm-hmm. I think maybe
I'll just stay home.

Jack, they'll be
other men there.

What for, target
practice? [Doorbell rings]

Cindy, what are
you doing back here?

I got you a new maid. Who?

Me! You?

Yeah! You know, janet,

I've been thinking. I need the
money, and I know the apartment,

And who'd be a better
person for the job?

Almost anybody.

You wanna be our maid?

I knew you'd be thrilled!

So? What do you guys think?

Uh... We've been thinking

That we probably don't
need a maid after all.

Of course you do.

Look at this mess!

What do you guys say?

What... Can we say?

[Whispering] we can say no.

No? No?

Oh, janet!

What's the matter with you?

Cindy would make
a wonderful maid.

Thanks, jack!

And I'll start in
your room first!

Ow. Toe, toe, toe. Cindy?

"Thanks, jack! And I'll
start in your room first!"

Ow!

Jack, what are we gonna
do? She can't be a maid!

Sure she can. We'll just
buy her a tiny black dress.

Little white apron.
Maybe fishnet stockings.

Red feather duster.

She can have bee-stinged lips
and talk in a french accent.

[High-pitched] ooh la
la, monsieur tripper.

He's so sick.

Is something burning?

It's my caramel clusters! Jack!

[Groans] boy, are
we in trouble now.

Terri, I'm telling you.
We cannot afford cindy.

Why, it's only 10 bucks a piece.

That's not what I
meant. [Glass breaks]

That's what I meant.

Hey, guys! Look what I
just found in jack's room.

250 Bucks. [Both] what?

It was folded up into a wad
under jack's lamp. What lamp?

The one I just broke.
Well, I can't believe it.

Neither can i. I
barely touched it.

No, cindy. Not
the lamp, it's okay.

Here, give me the money. You go
on back to your breaking... Cleaning!

Uh, uh, uh, we're going
to see that he gets it.

Oh, we're going to see
that he really... Gets it.

Okay. [Chuckles]

I almost b*rned my clusters.

Well, that's what you get for
standing so close to the stove.

Jack. Hmm.

Cindy found this in
your room. It's $250.

Oh, yeah. It's larry's. He
asked me to hold it for him.

[Scoffs] larry? Our larry
gave you 250 buckeroos?

Yeah. He asked me
to hold it for him

Till the end of the month.

He's saving up to buy his
mother a tv set for her birthday.

Larry buying his
mother a present?

The same larry who repossessed
her car last christmas?

That's not true. Oh, yes, it is!

It was thanksgiving!

Jack, you can come up with
a better excuse than that.

You think I'm lying?

[Both] lying? You?
Never! All right, all right!

Look, if you don't
believe me, ask larry.

He's at the regal beagle
right now! Happy hour.

Okay! Gosh, jack.
Don't get so upset.

Calm down. Of course we
believe you. I'm glad to hear it!

I thought we had a
little trust around here!

Jack, of course we have trust.

Silly you! Really! Jack,
what's wrong with you?

Gee. Silly guy! [Laughs]

Beagle? Beagle.

[Tv announcer] lakers
are down by two.

Ball's inbounded
by wilkes to nixon.

There's a cross-court pass.
Magic's got it with five seconds.

Four, three, two... He sh**t!

25 Feet, and it's good!

Laker's have sent the game into
overtime. And we'll be right back.

All right.

Hi, there.

Mike? I'd like to
buy the lady a drink.

Right. Whoops. Happy hour's
over. All drinks are full price.

Tomorrow, 4:30? It's a date.

Okay! See ya
right here, I guess.

Hey, marty! How's it
going? What's happening?

Look, larry. About
that car you sold me.

You know it broke my heart to
sell you my sweet little honey.

How's she running? Runnin'?

Heck, she ain't even walkin'.
The transmission fell out.

So soon? I mean, uh, really?

Remember what you promised.

You said if anything went wrong,
you'd said you'd take care of it.

And so I will,
marty. So I will. Here.

What's this? The best
mechanic in santa monica.

Mention my name, he'll give
you a very reasonable price.

Wait a minute! You're
supposed to pay!

Marty, I couldn't pay for your
transmission even if I wanted to.

I'm broke.

I don't know how I'm
going to tell that to joey.

Who's joey? My kid brother.
Boy, is he going to be upset.

So what do you care? I don't!

I was thinking about you!

Hi, joey!

Get the money for the car?

No!

Look, joey, I'd really
like to pay you, but i...

[Crunching]

Does the tooth fairy
know you do that?

We want our money.

And-and I want
you to have it, joey.

But, um, as I was telling
your brother martin here,

I'm just flat broke.

Look. You gotta believe me.

Larry.

Did you give jack
$250 to hold for you?

What! [Laughing]

Where would I get $250?

Thanks, larry. Yeah. Thanks.

So embarrassing to show
everybody how poor I really am.

Back where we come from, bein'
poor is nothing to be ashamed of.

But having to crawl is. Crawl?

If you don't come up with the
money in the next 30 minutes,

I'm gonna break some
of your favorite bones.

It comes down to he lied to us.

Twice! First when he
didn't have any money.

Then when he said
the money was larry's.

Hope he has a lousy time
watching his stupid basketball game.

I hope he chokes on his lousy caramel
clusters. I hope the lakers lose!

What? What did you say?

Oh, uh, just kidding.

She's a great kidder.

[Laughing] that's it.

I love reggie jackson.

I really... Like
smokey robinson.

Big tall kareem jabberwocky guy.

Bye now!

Cindy! Cindy.

Did you say something?

Would you mind
coming into my bedroom?

Jack, that's not part of my job!

No, cindy. I want you
to make up my bed.

But I already made it.

True, but you forgot
one little thing. What?

Sheets.

That's why it
went so fast. I bet.

Ow.

[Doorbell rings]

Hi. Rita! What are
you doing here?

Well, you said you didn't
have any money to go out with,

So I thought maybe you could think
of something fun to do right here.

Right here? How
'bout right over there?

I knew you'd think of something.

Oh, mercy! Jack!

Who's she? Uh, my
she's cleaning lady.

My, you have such a
pretty blonde cleaning lady.

Wherever did you
find her? Sweden.

Just a second.

Hurry up, greta! Unska,
svenska, bjorn borgski.

That means, hurry home
and watch the tennis match.

Si!

Greta!

Your cleaning
lady works at night?

Yeah, she's like me. She does
her best work after dark.

Well, isn't that a coincidence.

That makes three of
us. Hurt me. Listen, um...

Would you like to make yourself
a little comfortable on the couch?

I have to have a small,
swedish word with, uh, greta.

[Whispers] cindy.

Yeah. I got an unexpected date.

Do you think... Do you mind...

Maybe possibly...
Shoving off quickly?

Jack, I just have a few
more things to do. That's it.

Okay, make it quick. Okay.

And... Quiet. Right.

That jack.

Oh, cindy. No interruptions.

But, jack... No
interruptions. Thank you.

But... [Groans]

That's settled.

Jack, how long is your
cleaning lady gonna be here?

Not much longer. But...

Forget about her, you
won't even know she's here.

Well, I don't know. I guess I
could try. We'll try together.

Jack. If you're
looking for my lips,

They're right here
above my chin. Oh, I know.

Unless there's something
wrong with them.

No, there's nothing wrong with
your lips. I love them the way they are.

One right on top of the other.

In fact, there's nothing that I don't
adore about your beautiful hair,

Your sensitive eyes...
[Vacuum whining]

[Gasps]

Greta!

Stopski! I can't hear you!

Cut the machine off!

Ow! What are you doing?

Vacuuming. Come
hereski. Excuse me.

I want you to get out
of here right now, please.

But, jack, I still have
work to do! So do i.

Jack, I can't take your
money for nothing.

I just have the
bathroom and that's it.

Okay. But I don't want you to come
out of there until you're finished.

I mean it. Okay.

Ow!

It's so hard to find
good help these days.

I promise you that is
absolutely, positively

The last interruption
of the evening.

Liar! Liar!

Pants on fire!

Rita, you remember my two
roommates, janet and terri.

[Both] hello! We
want an explanation.

What're they talking
about? I have no idea.

Ha! Ha!

That is a hot one. First, he
hits us up for rent money.

Did I hear something
about money?

Back!

Why does she have to go
back into the bathroom?

Because she's not finished yet.

Anyway, he hits us up for the
rent money. And maid money.

He pretends he is broke
when all along he's got $250.

He told me he was broke too.

I told you that
money isn't mine!

Tells us the money isn't
his. But we find out that it is.

He lied to us! He didn't!

I didn't! [Both] he did!

And what's worse, he tries to
blame it on an innocent friend.

He wouldn't! I didn't!

[Both] he did!

Liar! Wait, wait.

Rita, who you gonna believe, their
word or mine? I thought you trusted me!

I never trust a guy who keeps
his maid locked in the bathroom!

Rita, rita! Can I ask, rita...

[Kicks vacuum] ow! Ow!

[Both scream]

Jack. This never
would have happened

If you had just told the truth.

Yes, instead of making
up that stupid story

About larry giving
you the money...

Jack, my money.
Where's my money?

What money. The $250.

What! Say, jack.

Not now, cindy!

Larry, you mean you did give
jack money to hold for you?

Oh, yes. Of course. You
see, I was savi... Oh, my.

Then, jack, you were
telling the truth.

Wonderful! Where's the
money? Forget it, larry.

Oh, jack. How were we to
know? Jack, I gotta have it!

Remember what you told me? Not to give
that money to you under any circumstances.

But that was before I found out
country joe godzilla is after me.

Nice try, larry.

Jack. I'm so
embarrassed I could die.

So could I if I don't
have that money.

But, jack... [Both] back!

I swear to you this is
a true story. Honest!

How could we, terri?
We called him a liar.

Who cares? Jack,
say you'll forgive us.

Say you'll give me the money!

Please, jack! Pretty please?

Okay, okay! Thanks, buddy.

I said okay to them, not
to you. [Cries] oh, jack!

Would you come off it? Nobody's
gonna hurt you. I don't believe a word.

You better believe
it. Oh, my god!

I'll get your money in
a second. Oh, my god!

Howdy, ladies. Howdy.

Howdy. [Deep voice] howdy!

Shut up.

I like your hat.

[Chuckling] excuse
me, mr. Bunyan.

You're not gonna believe this,

But I couldn't seem to find
the money anywhere in there.

[Chuckles] isn't that wild?

[Chuckles] the wildest. Jack!

You're on your own.

I love your shirt.

Boy, you wouldn't be lying to
me now, would ya? No, honest...

Lying! What do you mean, lying?

Now just one
cotton-pickin' minute.

Who do you think you
are calling our jack a liar?

Why, he is the most
honest person we know.

And who do you think you are,

Busting into people's
apartments, threatening v*olence?

Well, now, I didn't exactly...

That kind of stuff happens
to be against the law.

Well, yes, ma'am. And
it's not very nice either!

No, ma'am.

Now. I am sure your
money is here somewhere.

Yes, ma'am. And as soon
as we find it, you'll get it!

Yes, ma'am. But in the meantime,

Why don't you just mosey on
out of here and try to behave?

Yes, ma'am.

Take your hat off when
you're indoors, boy!

Uh, no... Uh, yes,
ma'am. May I leave now?

Yeah, go ahead.

[Yelling] and don't slouch!

Well. You're pretty
good in a pinch.

Pretty good! Thank
you, same to you!

Girls? Thank you.
You saved our lives!

Can I come out now? Sure.
What were you doing in there?

Jack. Where's the money?

I was telling the truth,
larry! I don't know where it is!

Did you here that, ladies?
He's such a great kidder.

Where's my $250?

Are you guys talking about the money
on jack's dresser? You know where it is?

That's what I've been
trying to tell you!

I saw it and said to myself,
"jack shouldn't keep money there.

What if a burglar would..."
Cindy! Where's the money?

I put it under the
mattress. Mattress!

Wait, guys! Let's look
under the mattress.

There's nothing here.
I don't see anything.

[Both] it's not here!

Cindy, it's not here. I know!
You wouldn't let me finish!

I put it under the
mattress... [Both] mattress.

And said to myself, that's the
first place a burglar would look!

[Both] burglar. So I hid it
in the kitchen cupboard...

[Both] cupboard!

Wait, guys!

Cindy! There's no money here!

I know! Well, I was thinking,
what if the burglar got hungry?

[Both] hungry? The first
place he'd look is in the kitchen.

So I put it in the
safest place I know!

Cindy, where is the money?

Ta-da!

Why didn't I think of that?

It's not all here.
Where's the rest?

I'll help you. Where? [Screams]

[Glass breaks]

That does it. I'm going
in there right now

And tell cindy she's got to go!

Jack, you can't do that.

You'll break her heart.

So, why can't we break
something of hers for a change?

Look, jack. I know
she's a little bit clumsy.

But we can't just up
and fire her, can we?

No, jack! She's our friend. Ohh.

All through!

You run out of dishes?

Well, pay time!

Yeah. Here we go.

Here's for the lamp,
for a chafing dish.

Here's for the vase.

Here's for jack's bowling ball.

Here's for... You
broke my bowling ball?