07x04 - Extra, Extra

[bunniefuu]

[Man] ♪ Come and
knock on our door ♪

[Woman] ♪ Come and
knock on our door ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

[Both] ♪ Where the kisses
are hers and hers and his ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪
♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪

♪ Take a step that is new ♪
♪ Take a step that is new ♪

♪ We've a loveable space
that needs your face ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ You'll see that
life is a ball again ♪

♪ Laughter is calling for you ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

[knocking on door]

Jack?

Jack, how long are you
gonna stay in the bathroom?

[Jack] Until I'm finished.

Will you let me
in? I have a date!

In here?

Jack!

Well, I have a date, too.

And I'm not coming
out until I'm beautiful.

Oh, Jack! Your
souffle is burning!

Oh, my souffl...

Hey, I'm not cooking anything.

My mistake.

Come here.

Just for a second. Janet!

Janet.

Open the door.

That's better.

You forgot your pants. Janet...

[doorbell rings]

Couldn't you wait till I
was through changing?

Jack, would you please
just answer the door?

Hi.

Oh, excuse me.
I'm Hank Thompson.

I'm looking for Janet.

She's still getting dressed,
Hank. You're a little early.

Hope I haven't
interrupted anything.

No, no. Come on in. Thanks.

Say, uh... Who are you?

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm Jack Tripper.

I live here with
Janet and Terri.

Oh. How nice.

Not really. Sometimes,
they can be a real headache.

Jack, could you zip me?

See what I mean? Ahh...

Terri? This is
Hank Thompson. Hi.

Oh, how nice to meet... you!

Will you stand still?
Your hands are cold.

Well, they're getting warmer.

Zip. Zipping.

Hi, Hank. Sorry to keep you
waiting. Oh, it was worth it.

Ooo, wow. Do you look gorgeous!

Really? Hey...

Are those prescription glasses?

Hank, have you met Jack?

Yeah. Too bad. Shall we go?

Bye. Oh, oh, oh. Terri.

You're $15 short on
your share of the rent.

I am not. I paid the phone bill.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

I paid the phone bill.

Oh. Well, didn't I
pay for the cleaning?

Yep. With my $10.

Well, didn't I buy the
groceries this week?

[Both] Nope.

You're right. I owe you $15.

Excuse me. Do you usually have

this much trouble with
household finances?

Nah. Only months we
have to pay the rent.

What do you do to get by?

Gee, Hank, I'd love to
sit and talk about this,

but I have a date. Excuse me.

I think my readers
would be interested.

Readers?

Yeah. Hank does a column
on coping with inflation.

And I'd love to write
about you three.

If you don't mind.
[both] Well...

No, no. I don't
mind. Not at all.

Come on over here, Hank.

Sit on down. Make
yourself comfortable.

Hey!

Cheap thrill, Terri.

You know, Hank, it all
started six years ago.

Feel free to quote me.

Jack! That's J-A-C-K.

See, I was a struggling
young cooking student

who had a dream.

I think it would really be better
if I just asked you all questions.

Yes. It certainly would.

Now...

First of all: what
made the three of you

decide to live together, huh?

Economics. It's a lot cheaper.

Yeah. We save a
lot on entertainment.

We never have to
leave to have fun.

As I was saying,

it's cheaper when three
people share the rent,

the food, the utilities...

Do you share everything?

Well... Everything.

Aiee!

He's not interested
in your fantasies.

He's interested
in the apartment.

See, I wanted a place
close to the hospital

where I work as a nurse. Mm-hmm.

Hank? It isn't
easy being a nurse.

I'm under a great deal
of stress and strain.

Terri!

That's Terri with an "I".

Would you two mind if we
just stuck to the subject?

Jeez. You see, Hank, I was
living here, in this apartment

with two girls. Then
Eleanor got pregnant,

and we got Jack.
Well, not exactly...

I mean, she didn't
have Jack... Hey, hey...

Excuse me. What happened was they
begged me on hands and knees to move in.

I decided to give 'em a break.

Jack! That's not the
way it happened at all.

Of all the egotistical things...

Wait, wait, wait...

Hold on a second!
Wait! [bickering]

Hank wants to say
something. He's our guest.

Please. Feel free,
Hank. Go ahead.

Let's just stick to
the basic problems.

All right? And one
at a time. Please.

Okay. Go. Right.

It's not easy being one
of the top chefs in L.A.

That's Tripper. T-R-I-Jack...

He said one at a time,
Janet. Double P-E-R.

[everyone at once]

Well, I'm pretty
excited about it. [laughs]

Hey, girls. Paper come yet?

No, not yet. Jack,

why don't you look? That
kid never hits the landing.

Yeah, okay.

Lucky sh*t, Arnold!
I hate that kid.

Did'ja get it? Yeah.

It came airmail. Good.

I can't wait to read it. Here.

You girls take some
sections, here. All right?

Let's look. Try that one.

You sure it's in today's paper?

I don't know, Jack.
That's what Hank said.

Oh, no.

What?

Burt Reynolds broke up again.

Oh, here it is. Hank
Thompson. Read it, read it.

"Penny Pinching Can Be Fun."

Let's see. "One run-down
apartment, two knockout girls

"and an All-American boy

equals one-third the rent
and three times the fun."

Wow. He called us
knockouts. [laughs]

You can't believe anything you
read in the papers these days.

Terri, a nurse who'd
quicken any patient's pulse,

assures me that nothing happens at
home to make Jack's temperature rise.

But you can't tell
me this young chef

doesn't do more than his share
of cooking in that apartment.

Hey! What is this?

That's not true. It gets better.

And then there's Janet,
who works in a flower shop.

Now this honey really
keeps Jack buzzin' around.

Why, that crumb.

With these three, it's share
and share and share alike.

And from the look on Jack's
face, they do share everything.

Well, that makes
it sound like we're...

Yeah. That'd be
wonderful, wouldn't it?

Jack... You know I'm kidding.

How could he
write that about us?

I thought he was your
friend. Not anymore.

What are people gonna
think when they read this?

Nothing. What?

Come on. The story's
buried on the back page.

I mean, whose life could
possibly be so boring

that they'd read the
paper from cover to cover?

[knock on door] Open
up! It's Ralph Furley!

There's your answer.
Boy. If he read this article,

I'd better start looking
for a new place.

Hide it, Jack. Hide it.

Hello. I just finished reading
Hank Thompson's column.

Oh, boy. I better start packing.

Freeze.

Oh, Mr. Furley. We can explain.

It's a little late for that.

It's all right here, for
the whole world to see.

But Mr. Furley? It isn't true.

You bet it isn't! What?

"One run-down apartment."

This apartment isn't run down.

I just painted it
three years ago.

Oh, thank God.

And then when I read
what was going on

between you and the girls.

Hmm!

Talk about your fairy tales!

Hope this doesn't hurt
your social life, Jack!

What a relief! Am I
glad that's over. Whoo!

What do you mean, over? Yeah.

How're we gonna go to
work and face people?

Oh, come on. Don't worry.

That article never mentioned
anybody's last name.

Know how many flower
shops there are in Los Angeles?

And Janet is a very common name.

What? You know, he's right.

There must be
thousands of nurses in L.A.

And some of them
must be named Terri.

I know, because I am.

And you have been
for years, haven't you?

Look, girls. Just take my advice

and forget about
that story. Hey.

After work, let's meet at
the Regal Beagle. I'll buy.

Okay, Jack. Thanks.
I feel better. Me, too.

Believe me. You girls
have nothing to worry about.

Absolutely nothing.

You're right. Yeah.
We just don't worry...

Okay. That's 4.50 out of 5.

So there's your
change, Mr. Hubbard.

Thank you, Janet.
You're welcome.

Oh, oh. I saved you
a pamphlet on ferns.

I thought you'd be interested.

Thank you.

Of course, it won't be as
interesting as what I read about you.

Oh, Mr. Hubbard. You didn't
believe that article, did you?

Of course not.

It was very kind of you to
save the pamphlet for me.

I'll find it for you.

I like to keep my
customers happy.

I'll bet you do.

[screams]

Hi, Terri.

Terri! Terri.

I can't seem to find those
admittance papers for Mr. Chambers.

Oh, here, Doctor.
Let me help you.

Oh, thank you. Alrighty.
Would you excuse me, please?

Oh. Sorry. Thank you.

Let me see. [sighs]

Would you look at this.

Everything back
here is such a mess.

Not from where I'm standing.

Here it is. Let's go.

I'm right behind you. [screams]

Talk about your lucky
guys. [everybody laughing]

That is just so terrible.

I cannot believe it
happened to you, too.

Well, he did. He just
reached over and pinched me.

Where? Behind the door!

Oh, no. Terri. Terri.

Ooo. I never expected this.

Me, neither.

I never thought
those guys could read.

Hey, Mike?

Three beers, okay?

Well, happy hour must
have started early today.

Except at this table.

What's the matter with
you? It's that dumb article.

Janet and I both
got hit on today.

What? [Both] Uh-huh.

And now those creeps at
the bar are givin' us looks.

I'll take care of those
guys. Hey, Jack.

[laughs] Boy, did I
have you pegged wrong.

You did? Yeah. Hey, I
gotta hand it to you, guy.

You're a better man
than I thought. [laughs]

Well, I get by
with a little help

from my friends. Woo!

[laughing]

What?

Don't you even care what
happened to us today?

Oh, of course I do.

What happened to you was...

Well, when you got it,
you got it. You know?

[laughs, stops]

No, what happened
to you was terrible.

I mean, it was degrading,

dehumanizing... Here we go!

Three beers, on the house!

Woo! Woo!

No, they're not.

They're on Jack.

Good morning, girls.

No, no, no. Come on, now.
You don't have to apologize.

That beer was great for my hair.

It left it soft and
silky. [laughs]

Terri, could I have some of
your magical coffee, please?

Thank you. In the cup, not
in the hair, okay? [laughs]

Oh, come on. You girls aren't
still mad about last night, are you?

Mad? Who's mad?

I'm glad you're not.

None for me. Thanks.

How could you
let those guys think

there was something
going on between us?

Come on, Janet.
It's not their fault.

I mean, they see a
handsome, likeable

fun-lovin' kind of guy,

living with two lonely girls.

[Both] Lonely?

What does it hurt

to let them have their silly
little fantasies? Why, Jack

Tripper. Of all the
arrogant... Girls.

You're overreacting.
[Janet] Overreacting?

Listen. As long as we know the truth,
who cares what other people think?

Susan, what's the matter?

You can take this stuffed
animal you gave me and stuff it.

I don't suppose this
has anything to do

with that article in
the paper about me.

You two-timing fink!

Yeah, that's the one.

It's all lies. Girls, tell her.

Anything you say, sexy.

It's all lies.

Every bit of it.

Stop that!

Would you stop that?

Okay. It's all true.

Every bit of it.

Don't believe 'em.
Don't, don't believe...

How could she help herself?

I mean, here we are.

These two lonely girls.

Living with this
likeable, handsome...

fun-loving kind
of guy. [screams]

You don't need this.

You have enough
playthings of your own!

Susan. Wait.

Does this mean our date
for the carnival is off? Susan?

There goes the best bumper-car
partner who ever lived!

Why didn't you tell the truth?

Oh, Jack.

What does it matter if
she has her silly fantasies?

Yes, Jack. You're
just overreacting.

As long as we know the truth...

Okay, okay. I was wrong.

He finally admits it. Yeah.

Boy, I never realized how quick
people are to believe the worst.

[doorbell rings]
[Janet] What now?

Oh, probably somebody else
coming here to smirk at us.

I'll handle this. Okay.

Go away! Take your
dirty mind with you!

Who was that? My mother.

My mother!

Mom, I'm sorry. I
didn't recognize you.

If you came to visit
more often, you might.

You look terrific. You
remember my two roommates?

Of course. Sodom and Gomorrah.

I think she read the article.

No wonder you don't
have time to write home.

Listen, Mom. You
don't... Never mind.

Tell me on the way
back to San Diego.

Now go get packed. What?

Do you have a nice suitcase?

I hope you're not still using that
bag from the Navy. It smelled of fish.

Mom, I'm not moving to
San Diego. I have a life here.

I know. I read about it.

Mom, that's all lies. Janet
and Terri are not like that at all.

Aren't you a gentleman.

Trying to protect
their reputation.

Mrs. Tripper, can we
talk to you? Tell them no.

No. Mom, listen... Go
to your room and pack.

I'll help you. Hey, Mom. Look...

[doorbell rings] Oh my gosh.

Mrs. Alden!

Come in. Mom!

Terri. I can explain

about that story, Mom. This is
not a wild and swinging apartment.

There isn't anything going
on between me and Jack,

or Janet and Jack,
or Jack or anything.

What story?

What do you mean, what story?

You mean you didn't
read that the... oh.

So... how are things at home?

Will you please explain
what's going on here?

I'll be happy to explain.

According to the newspaper,

these two have been
throwing themselves at my son.

I'm Jack's mother.

Well, that can't be true.

Of course it can!
I'm Mrs. Tripper!

The story in the
paper must be false.

If there's any hanky-panky
going on around here,

it's because of your son.

Mom, there isn't
any... Hanky-panky?

I knew I should never have
let you move in here with-with...

Jack. Mother.

Just listen to me one
itsy-bitsy little moment...

Well, honestly. You never
would have spoken to me that way

before you moved
in with-with-with...

Still Jack.

My Terri was always
such a sweet, innocent girl

when she lived at home.

Mrs. Alden, she's still
the same sweet girl.

What happened to innocent?

Oh, I warned you against
these big-city men. They're all

sex maniacs!

And I warned you about the
big-city women. They're all hussies.

Well, I never. Well,
maybe you should have.

Well, maybe I will.

Ladies.

Just a second.

If you don't mind,
I'd like to speak

to the sex maniac and
the hussy in the kitchen.

Mom, would you
excuse me, please?

Mother, may I? Get in here!

I don't believe what's
going on out there.

Mothers can be so
close-minded sometimes.

Yeah. How'd you put up with her?

I was talking about your mother.

My mother? She's a troublemaker.

Mommy?

All right. Let's Just stop it.

Janet. Whose fault is it?
Her mother's or my mother?

I think they're both wrong.

[both] What?

I think you better get out
there and straighten them out.

Not till she takes back
what she said about Mommy.

I'd rather kiss a toad.

You look like you already did.

I do not! You do, too!

Stop it! Will you
two just grow up?

What's wrong with
her? I don't know.

Janet. Hm?

As soon as Jack packs his
things, we'll be out of your way.

And Terri and I will
be out even sooner.

Fine. Swell. Okay. Sure.

But in the meantime, we
could, you know, just talk it over.

No. Better yet, just let
me ask you a question.

Do you consider
yourselves good mothers?

Well, I certainly do.

So do I.

Then how could you
raise bad children?

We didn't. Well, of course not.

Well, then...

You know, you two should
really be proud of Jack and Terri.

They're two of the finest
people I've ever known.

One time...

I can't help it. Every time
I get around my mother,

I feel like I'm seven
years old again.

Terri, listen. I
feel the same way.

I thought she was gonna
send me to my room.

She did.

Oh, yeah. That's right.

Just once, I would like to win
an argument with my mother.

When I was a kid, the
only way I could do it was

to hold my breath until
my face turned blue.

[laughs]

You wanna give it a try?

Jack! I know, I'm sorry...

Think of something...

You know, listen, Terri. If we
started to behave like adults,

they'd have to treat us like
adults. You might be right.

So why don't we just tell 'em

that we're old enough to
choose who we live with?

Yeah. Let's do it.

Let's go out there and
tell those mothers off.

Oh... Out of the way, Janet.

Get your own mother.
We know what we're doing.

Listen, you two.

Ya either trust us, or ya don't.

Darling. Of course we do.

Sweetheart, we've been so wrong.

Oh, Mom!

Oh, gosh. This is better
than holding your breath.

Told you we knew
what we were doing.

[Mrs. Tripper] Son?

Can you forgive
a foolish old lady?

[laughing] And Terri, darling?

Can you forgive an
even more foolish,

though younger, lady?

Of course I can,

Mom. Oh, thank you, sweetheart.

Now, I'm just gonna go home
and stop meddling in your life.

Wait a minute, Mom.
How come you stopped by?

Oh, I forgot.

I was shopping, and I saw this nightie
I thought would be perfect for you.

Wow wow wow!

Flannel pajamas are so much
more practical, don't you think?

You're right.

Maybe I can get some
before the stores close.

It was so nice to meet you.

Yes. We must do
this again sometime.

Well...

Goodbye, darling. Goodbye,
Mom. So good to see you.

Here. I'll open the door.
[everyone chattering]

Bye! [blows kiss]

Bye-bye, now. Bye.

Girls, it was just wonderful

to see you again.

Listen. You've got to get
Jack to bring you to San Diego.

Oh, I would just
love having you.

Mom, I'll walk you
down to the car.

Jack, guess what? Huh?

Guess what?

[Both] What?

I just spoke to that
Hank Thompson,

and he's gonna
print a retraction.

Oh, really? Oh, wonderful.
Thank you, Mr. Furley.

Yeah. He's gonna take
back everything he said

about this apartment
being run down.

Oh, and by the way, he's gonna take
back what he said about you kids, too.

How'd you get him to do that?

Simple.

I told him Jack was gay.

Well, I could
have told him that.

Jack always was a happy boy.

[knocking on door]
[doorbell rings]

What is going on?
[Jack] I don't know.

Open the door and find out.

Extra, extra! Read all about it!

What's up, Mr. Furley?

Ralph Furley gets things done!

That's in the paper?

No. Hank Thompson's column.

Well, what does it say?

Don't know. I
haven't read it yet.

I thought we'd all enjoy
the apology together.

Gee, Mr. Furley. You
didn't have to do that.

You don't have
to thank me, Jack.

After all, I wouldn't want people
to get the wrong idea about you.

[laughing] Mr. Furley,
could you just read it?

You gotta know how to talk
to those newspaper guys.

You gotta be clear and direct,

and make sure they
get everything right.

Read, please. All right.

Let's see. Here it is.

Okay, listen to this.

"Correction." [laughs]

See. Like I was tellin' ya.

Would you please read
it and get it over with?

"Hank Thompson
wishes to apologize

"to the subjects of
my recent column.

"Not only is the
building not run down,

"but such improper behavior
would never be tolerated there.

According to Ralph
Furley, their gay landlord."

♪♪ [theme]

Three's Company was videotaped
in front of a studio audience.