03x22 - The Long and Winding Shortcut

[bunniefuu]

Hilda, this kitten
could use some mittens.

I made you a turtleneck,
and you haven't worn it once.

I loved that sweater.

I shredded it in less than an hour.

I can't get through Wuthering Heights.

Someone please tell me what
happens, so I can write my report?

Oh, honey, don't take a shortcut.

You need to discover the love between
Catherine and Heathcliff on your own.

- You're right. Aunt Hilda?
- Sorry. Never read it.

Emily Brontë bugged me.
She was in my English class

and she always thought
she was so brilliant.

I know a way
I can find out on my own.

Take me into the book

Knowing what happens
would be heaven

Flip ahead to page

Heathcliff! Heathcliff!

Dang, these moors are cold.

All right. You're right.
I'll read the book.

I tried to warn you: no shortcuts.

Did Heathcliff ask about me?

Remember,
only you can prevent laughter.

Oh, stupid crossword puzzle.

This is not gonna turn out ugly
like that tic-tac-toe incident, is it?

You know, despite my dating history, I
can't think of a word for a male turkey.

- Coffee!
- No, something with three letters.

I stayed up all night
finishing my book report.

- Without any shortcuts.
- Good girl.

[SQUEAKING]

I know I'm sleep-deprived,

but is Aunt Hilda
cleaning her ears with rope?

It's mental floss. It clears your mind.

Plus, gives you a quick burst
of temporary knowledge.

- I wish you'd do that in private.
- Of course. A male turkey is a tom.

Thank you, mental floss.

I believe that is a shortcut.

Technically, yes, but it gives your mind
a minty-fresh feeling.

[MARCHING MUSIC PLAYING]

- Did Salem join a marching band?
- Anything's possible.

Yesterday, he wanted to be
a June Taylor dancer.

It's election time in the Other Realm!

I want you to vote.

And I want you to stop calling me.

Was that Uncle Sam?

Uh, in the Other Realm,
he's known as Uncle Roy.

We're not sure why.

Hey. There's a proposition
that would make it legal

to tell your mortal boyfriend
about your magic.

It's too bad
I'm not old enough to vote.

Oh, honey, you are. In the
Other Realm, the voting age is .

Really? I feel so grown-up.

[SINGING] I get to vote
I get to vote

- And I don't.
- Salem, you're a convicted felon.

Not to mention a cat.

But I wanted to vote to change the
pronunciation of Friday to "Fridyah."

Hey, if this boyfriend
proposition passes,

I could tell Harvey everything.

Well, except for the fact that I don't
really care that Michael Jordan retired.

And I can tell my honey, Hank,
that I'm a witch.

Your first date's not until tonight.
He's already your honey?

It's called optimism.

There's an orientation
this afternoon for first-time voters.

I get to choose a political party.

Oh, well, I hope you'll join mine:

the Social Democratic
Do-Gooder Party.

No, join my party. It's called the Party
Party. Our slogan is: Party!

Will you help me?
I'm not a very good seamstress.

Then it was kind of an odd choice to
volunteer for the costume committee.

It's for the church play.
It's the Lord's work.

Okay, well,
I'm busy after school today,

but I can help you
and the Lord tomorrow.

Your girlfriend is a saint.

Are you tired from working
on your book report too?

No. For once I finished early.

I'm tired because...

My mom's in her third trimester,

the baby's pushing
against her bladder,

and the toilet-flushing
is keeping me up all night.

I thought you made a bed
out of fertiliser bags in the garage.

I did. My dad's using it.

You know, I can tell you anything.

I hope you feel the same way.

I will. Very soon.

All right, everybody, take a seat,

so we can talk about the issues.

I assume that everyone here

- has figured out your family secret.
- What?

Because, as absolutely
everyone knows,

if you haven't solved
your family secret,

- you can't vote.
- What?

So just as a formality,
let's have a show of hands.

Those who have.

And those who haven't.

Oh, come on,
I can't be the only one.

I've just about got it.

I've started taking Ginkoba.
Want some?

No.

Are they chewable?

Will you do my hair?

When we were girls in our early
hundreds, I liked the way you fixed it.

Oh, all right.

Oh. I haven't worn this
since I was almost beheaded.

Why didn't you tell me you have to
solve your secret before you vote?

Well, that's new. You used to only
have to know how to work a toaster.

What a surprise.

A witch rule
that works to my disadvantage.

Sabrina, don't worry.

You'll figure out the family secret
in time to vote.

How many clues have you solved?

Wait a minute while I add them up.

One.

Sabrina, I had no idea
you were so slow.

I mean, um, behind.

I think you could use a tutor.

Well, that's not a bad idea.

I'm really ready to buckle down.

Bring on a professional.

Hello, I'm Mr. Saberhagen,

and you may refer to me
as "Mr. Saberhagen."

How did I end up
with you as my tutor?

Hey, I solved my family secret
with only two clues.

Now, let's turn to the puzzle board.

Let's remove the dirty clothes
from the puzzle board.

That's not a StairMaster,
young lady.

Okay, well, I know this clue:

Spellman. So the family secret
must be about us.

Look out, Harvard.
Let's begin at the beginning.

First clue. What is it?

- Chickens?
- Chickens?

Do they look like chickens?

Next clue.
Okay. M plus a picture of fire.

M plus fire.

I've got it. M'fire.

Right. M'fire.
That makes so much sense.

Let's use it in a sentence:
"Run, run, the house is on m'fire."

I've got a better one: "You're m'fired."

You can't m'fire me. I m'quit.

Oh, more campaign flyers.

Yes, I'm definitely voting
to save the magical ping.

Who'd want to change it
to a ding?

Me. I'm sick of the ping.
I'd love to hear a ding.

- But the ping has such a ring.
- But the ding has zing.

I can't discuss politics with you.

So, Hank, tell me about you.

Well, let's see. I collect jaguars.

Jaguars? Be right back.

Sure, foxy lady.

[MENTAL FLOSS SQUEAKING]

All right. Okay, what were
we talking about?

Oh, yes. Jaguars.

Do you know that my favourite
is the Vicarage

with the . -litre XK engine

with -speed transmission
and electric overdrive--

Hilda, I collect jaguars, as in cats.

Oh.

Be right back.

[GROANS]

I guess I have to go back
to Salem and grovel.

Ooh, a brain teaser.

Heart minus L?

Heart means love,
and love minus the L would be "of."

I guess my grovelling days are over.

Mrs. Quick, I was just wondering
how you solved that clue so fast.

Well, actually...

I'm addicted to game shows.

Well, at least it's legal.

I went to a -step meeting for help.

It was fun. They give you clues,

and you had to solve when
and where the meetings were held.

It wasn't the best way
to kick the habit.

Well, I've got this new game
at home.

It's called Guess the Family Secret.

- You wanna come over and try it?
- Well, I really shouldn't.

It's been a long, hard road
staying clean.

Oh, well, come on. You can
always be a social game player.

Well, I usually watch
Little House reruns after school, but...

What the heck.
I have them all on DVD.

Hey, Sabrina, you ready
to help me with my costumes?

Oh, no, I totally forgot.
I made other plans.

Oh, okay, Sabrina.
I'll meet you at your house.

I can't wait to see your new game.

You're having Mrs. Quick
over to play?

Harvey.
You'd do anything for me, right?

I'm not feathering my hair again.

No, I want you to help Valerie
out with her costumes.

What can I do?

I am not going to twirl.

MAN [ON TV]:
Vote yes on Prop. , , .

It's time to stop the growing
abuse of mental floss.

Paid for by witches who want to stop
the growing abuse of mental floss.

That's ridiculous. That'll never pass.

It will if I have something
to say about it.

Mental floss encourages lazy habits,

and even your mind
is a terrible thing to waste.

I'm going right now
to campaign for the cause.

It is every witch's right to floss,

and I will fight for that right
with every fibre of my being.

But first, another date with Hank.

Mmm.

Salem, are my aunts home?

Hilda and Zelda
have left the building.

Excellent. Keep watch and warn me
if they come home.

Ooh, throwing a crazy party?

Complete with trash-can punch
and spit swapping?

No, I'm having my algebra teacher
over.

Yeah, right.

How pathetic would that be--?

Oh, you're serious.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Oh, come on in.

A cat.

Eating a banana.

How strange.

He's part chimp
on his mother's side.

Wait here. I'll go set up the game.

[MAGIC CHIMES]

ANNOUNCER [OVER SPEAKERS]:
Mrs. Quick, come on down.

This is the best at-home version
I've ever seen.

Okay, well, let's take our places
and get started.

[BUZZES]

Is this a genuine
Goodson-Todman buzzer?

Let's start. We don't know
how much time we got.

Look at the microphone.

Ah! Look at my name.

Look at the clues.

- There's even a glass of water. Neat.
- I've got to move things along.

[MAGIC CHIMES]

And here's our host, Monty Hall.

[PEOPLE APPLAUDING]

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Monty Hall?

- You pay a little extra.
- Oh!

It's time to guess the family secret.

Let's solve the puzzle.

But before we do,
a word with our contestants.

Mrs. Quick, tell us something
about yourself.

Well, I was born
in Terre Haute, Indiana,

and a lot of people
don't know this, Monty,

but it's the stewed-fruit
capital of the United States.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. First clue.

I didn't take that
from little old ladies in chicken suits,

so I'm not gonna take it from you.

All right? First clue. Sabrina?

Pass.

QUICK:
Birds in a house.

Birdhouse would be too obvious.

So, what else do you call that?

- Oh, an aviary.
- Aviary?

Yeah, but aviary
doesn't make any sense,

so it must be a word
that sounds like aviary. Oh!

"Every."

[SHOUTING]

Next clue now. Sabrina?

Pass.

Let me see.

"M plus fire" eq--

- Sabrina.
- Aunt Zelda.

You're just in time
for the bonus round.

QUICK:
Well, can't we finish the game?

I've got the fever. I'm hot.

Okay, well, I'll just get started
on that novel.

Sabrina, what were you thinking?

That I could avoid this ugly scene
that's about to happen.

Sabrina, using a shortcut
to solve your family secret

can have serious consequences.

I just wanna be able to vote.

And Mrs. Quick is really lonely.

You leave me no choice
but to punish you.

To learn the error of her ways

No shortcuts for one days

And might I say, nice rhyme.

That means no modern conveniences
for hours.

If you try something like this again
the Witches' Council will intervene,

and they're a lot more strict
than I am.

Now clean up this mess.

And I was hoping Family Secret
would go into syndication.

SALEM:
Sabrina. Wake up.

Come on, shake a leg.

If I continue with this shiatsu,
you'll have to pay me.

It's so late.

How come my alarm didn't go off?

I believe an alarm clock
would go under the umbrella

of modern conveniences.

So apparently our forefathers
were late for everything?

They've had hairdryers
since the ' s.

They're not modern.

I'm late, I'm late.

I'm beginning to see a pattern here.

Sorry.

Why weren't you on the bus
this morning?

It's a modern convenience.

And I'm against them
and for solar energy.

Everybody with me?

Sabrina, this is a very complicated
equation,

so I'm allowing
the use of calculators.

Oh, great.

It's a good thing
I don't have a pacemaker.

I'm still not happy with the dress.
The bodice isn't right.

You're telling me.
I look like a house in it.

I need you for one more fitting.
Please?

I can't. I have plans.

And they all involve
me wearing pants.

Hey, Sabrina, after school, are we
still on for the Slicery and pinball?

I can't. Too modern.

How about a rousing game
of mahjong?

What's this new
anti-modern kick you're on?

Oh, if you call being concerned
about this planet we call home a "kick."

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to find a buggy heading uptown.

You know, sometimes I get the feeling
Sabrina doesn't tell me everything.

Well, since you don't have anything
to do after school...

I need to learn how to say no.

Sabrina, I need to speak with you.

I'm still working
on that algebra equation.

Who cares about that?

I was up half the night working on the
second clue to the family secret game.

Really? I don't wanna talk about it.

A real stumper, but I think I've got it.
M--

No. I need to solve it myself.
I don't wanna hear it.

But-- But--

- But it's all right here.
- I can't see!

Then I guess you don't want to know.

Right. I don't wanna know.

MAN'S VOICE:
No shortcuts.

Oh, this can't be good.

Apparently, I'm on the lone prairie.

Maybe it's not so lone.

Mrs. Quick?

Oh, no,
I guess she was an accomplice.

Sabrina, what are you doing here?

Aren't you wondering
what you're doing here?

I'm dreaming.
This is one of my favourites.

Michael Landon should be along
any minute.

I'm here at election headquarters

where a very heated debate
has erupted over mental floss.

Now, arguing in favour of flossing
is Hilda Spellman.

Hilda Spellman has gone on record
as saying,

"A vote against mental floss
would be a vote against family values."

Interestingly enough,
arguing for the opposition

is her sister, Zelda Spellman.

Now, Zelda-- Uncle Roy!

Uncle Roy, please,
could we have a word?

What is your take on all of this?

This mental floss debate
has turned into a smear campaign.

I've never seen so much mudslinging
in my life.

ZELDA: Hilda, using mental floss
is a crime against nature.

HILDA:
Get your knee out of my spine. Ow!

- Ahh!
- Oh, good. You're up.

What's the quickest way out of here?

If you're looking for a shortcut,
I don't know any.

Oh, no shortcuts.

So I've been sent to the prairie

because back then
shortcuts didn't exist.

Are you here to explain things?

Well, I am a guide.

Have you got anything to eat?

Oh, you want something to eat. I get it.

So I'm supposed to make something
from scratch without using shortcuts

and then my punishment will be over,
I'll be zapped back, right?

I'm a little deaf, so let's go with yes.

You know, these dirt floors
are really hard to get clean.

Mrs. Quick? I am gonna make bread
and butter from scratch.

That's not how my dream usually goes,
but okay.

Okay, I made homemade bread
and butter with no shortcuts.

We're about to be sent back home.

This is my dream
and I'm not ready to go home.

You know, Sabrina,
you're kind of bossy.

- This bread's got dirt on it.
- Just eat it.

This is exactly
what I'm talking about.

- Well?
- Thank you.

That should have worked.

[FIRE POPS]

Stupid embers.

Hey, that clue wasn't fire.
It was ember.

M plus ember equals "member."

That's really good, Sabrina.

That makes much more sense
than what I had.

M'fire.

Okay, I figured it out by myself.
We're ready to go.

Big nothing.

Valerie?

I've never dreamed
about two students before.

Sabrina, you decided to help out
after all.

Isn't this a cool place
for our church play?

[READING SIGN]

Is Michael Landon with you?

This authentic log cabin

is Westbridge's
only historical monument.

Unless you count me.

He's a tour guide?

I've been in Westbridge this whole
time? I could've just walked home.

What do you and Mrs. Quick
talk about?

Okay, why is my boyfriend
wearing a bonnet?

He's filling in for Mrs. Bogle,
the pastor's wife.

Of all days for her to have
an allergic reaction to corn.

I've never dreamed
about three students before.

I'm beginning to feel
my life is empty.

Uh, Mrs. Quick, come with me.

This teacher's blue and needs a lift

For all her trouble here's a gift

Mmm.

What a wonderful dream.

Alone with Harrison Ford,

dancing in the gardens of Versailles.

Go back to sleep. Go back to sleep.

I'm tired and I'm filthy.

We know the feeling.

- Where have you guys been?
- The campaign trail.

Oh, sure, we indulged
in a little mudslinging,

but the tips were great.

So how was life on the prairie?

- You knew about that?
- We had to sign the release form.

Lucky for you, the Witches' Council
was so busy with the election,

they didn't have time
to send you back to the real prairie.

Oh, so you're trying to sugarcoat
the fact that they took a shortcut?

Oh. That reminds me.
I need to floss before I go vote.

- Not to mention, shower.
- Me first.

I've touched parts of animals
you wouldn't put in sausage.

[GRUNTS]

I can't remember anything
about the issues.

We've been standing in line so long,

your mental floss
has probably worn off.

I, on the other hand,
couldn't be more ready to vote.

Well, then I'll just re-floss.
It's still legal, you know.

[MENTAL FLOSS SQUEAKING]

Now, I'm an informed voter
once again.

Oh, democracy blows.

So far I've got:

"Every member of the Spellman..."

I'm getting there.

What's the rush?
I didn't get to vote, anyway.

Hey, the election results are on.

I wonder if mental floss
got voted out?

MAN [ON TV]:
... .

Oh, that stinks.

And this just in:

the "tell a mortal boyfriend"
proposition has failed.

Thank you very much.

Now Harvey's gonna continue thinking
he's losing his mind forever.

Let's not b*at ourselves up.
Our votes wouldn't have mattered.

What a close race.

One vote in favour
would have called for a runoff.

- Two votes would've won it.
HILDA: I don't know what's worse:

that we lost,
or that Zelda gets to gloat.

That Aunt Zelda gets to gloat.

Oh, I'm not gloating.

There are some propositions that
passed that I'm very unhappy about.

SALEM: Did you hear the good news?
- What?

Thank God it's Fridyah.

I've forgotten how much
I love this book.

Oh, no. This chapter's missing.

I'm going to the library.

Oh, what the heck.

Heathcliff! Heathcliff!

Looking for a chapter?

Taking a shortcut?

It was a mistake.

I'm on the moors because
I was looking for Roger Moore.

Dudley Moore?

All right, I took a shortcut.

SALEM: You told me we were going
for ice cream.