06x39 - Family Scrapbook

[bunniefuu]

[Announcer] Starring...

and...

[chuckling]

Ward.

Ward?

Will you come here?

What is it, dear?
What's the matter?

I was cleaning up the cabinet.

Look what I found.

Well, look at that.

I got that for Beaver
when he was first born.

I was going to put it away
until he could appreciate it.

[squeaking]

I guess he's a
little past it now.

Well, we'll save it
for the grandchildren.

Oh, Ward, look.

Here's this bottle of
30-cent French perfume

Wally gave me on my birthday

when he was in the second grade.

Oh. Hasn't improved with age.

Hey. What's this?

Oh, that's the old scrapbook

We used to put
the boys' pictures in

when they were growing up.

June, who's this?

That's Beaver.

Only a mother could tell.

Oh, Ward, look.

There's the picture
we all had taken

when Beaver was
in the first grade.

Ward, the boys are both home.

Why don't we get them down,

look through the book together?

All right.

Uh, but, uh, let's not show them

the one on the bear rug.

The last time
Beaver saw that one,

he locked himself in
the room for the evening.

Wally! Beaver!

Oh, look.

Hey, Mom, how come
when I was a little kid,

you guys started
calling me Beaver?

Well, that started

because Wally couldn't
pronounce Theodore.

But why Beaver?

Well, "Theodore"
came out as "Tweedor,"

and we thought Beaver
was a little better.

Gee, I'm sorry, Beav.

I didn't know what I was saying.

Hey, what's this picture here?

Oh, that's a picture
of you and Beaver

when Beaver was in
about the first grade.

I remember that.

Beaver brought home his
first note from the teacher.

[Wally] Oh, yeah.

He was so petrified,

he was too scared
to show it to you.

It's a note, all right.

There's a lot of
writing in there.

Why didn't you give it to Mom?

I'm a-scared of what's in it.

But you don't know what's in it.

That's why I'm a-scared.

Wally.

Yeah?

Did you ever get a
note from school?

Yeah, once.

What happened?

I had to go to summer school.

Wally?

What is it now?

Would they "spell" ya

if you hid in a locker
during f*re drill?

I don't think so.

One of the big kids from the third
grade said they just might "suspender" me.

Well, they did that to a
couple of kids last year,

but they're not gonna throw you out
unless you done something really bad.

What else did you do?

Well,

me and Billy Andrews
hid in the cloak room

and jumped out at all the girls.

That's kid stuff.

They wouldn't
expel you for that.

They wouldn't even suspend you.

Hey, weren't you sent out
of the cafeteria on Thursday?

Yes, but that wasn't my fault.

Larry Mondello pushed me, and I
bumped into Mr. Thompson's cocoa.

Maybe Miss Canfield just
has a grudge against you.

If she's gonna be mean,
mustn't she have a reason?

Of course not.

When you're an older person,

you don't have to have
a reason to be mean.

Hey, you know something, Beaver?

- What, Wally?
- You'll be the first kid

to ever be thrown out
of the second grade

in the history of the school.

Wally, couldn't
we open the note?

Of course not.
That'd be dishonest.

[plug pops]

Hey, Beav, can I borrow
some of your turtle dirt?

Sure, Wally.

It'll leave a ring.

Gee, it's funny.

I don't remember
that whole thing at all.

Well, how about
this one, Beaver?

You remember that?

I do. It's from the old house.

That real pretty woman
moved next door,

and Beaver did a favor for her,

and she gave him a big kiss.

And Eddie Haskell
started kidding him,

saying "You should go
around kissing married women."

Oh, yeah. I was really scared.

I thought her husband
was going to clobber me.

[Ward chuckles]

Oh, that's why you came
to me for a little advice.

Dad, what you doing?

I'm putting a new
plug on the toaster.

Your mother always
pulls it out by the cord

- instead of by the plug.
- Oh.

Dad, you're real smart.

You know all about 'tricity.

I know just enough to stay
one jump ahead of your mother.

- Dad.
- Mm-hmm.

You're a married
man, aren't you?

Yeah, I think we're safe
in assuming that, huh?

And Mom's a married
woman, isn't she?

Oh, yes.

Have you ever kissed
any other married woman

besides Mom?

Well...

Why, Beaver, why would
you ask a question like that?

I'm just wondering.

Well, actually, son, no.

I guess you were scared to, huh?

Yeah. That's as
good a way as any

to sum it up, I guess.

I guess a guy could
get in a lot of trouble

doing that, huh?

He sure could.

Uh, Beaver, I've got
to finish this plug, son.

Now, you run on
outside and play.

I think I'll stay in the
house for the rest of the day.

Beaver, you go outside and play.

- Yes, sir.
- Yeah.

Having a talk with the Beaver?

No, he was having
a talk with me.

It's funny the way
their little minds work.

He wanted to know if I'd
ever kissed a married woman.

What did you tell him?

I told him no.

- Ward.
- Mm-hmm.

Why haven't you ever
kissed any married women?

Now you know why, honey.

I was scared to.

Hey, here's one
I'll never forget.

Hey, that's me.

[Beaver] All your
friends were bragging

about how they were shaving,

and you didn't
want to be left out.

When I came in, you were shaving

for the first time
in your whole life.

What do you do that for?

I don't know, but
you're supposed to.

Boy, what a razor.
Feel how smooth it is.

Yeah. It sure is
smooth, all right.

Boy. Clean as a whistle.

- Wally?
- Yeah?

I don't think
there's a blade in it.

I, uh, thought there
was one already in there.

Yeah, me too, 'cause
you were shaving so good.

- Oh, dear.
- What's the matter?

Oh, here was a
real family crisis.

Oh, yeah. That's the time

Larry and I got
Dad's electric drill

and accidentally drilled
holes in the garage.

Boy, Dad really bawled you out.

Poor Beaver, he was so upset.

He felt he'd been
treated unfairly,

and he was looking
for a way to get even.

He sure found it, too.

I remember that night

when Dad called
him down for supper.

Oh, boy.

Wally! Beaver!

Supper.

Where's the Beav?

Uh, he's comin' down, Dad.

Listen, Wally, I want...

[footsteps coming downstairs]

He's running away, Dad.

Uh-huh. Well, you'd better
go on in to supper, Wally.

Yes, sir.

- I'll see ya, Beav.
- See ya, Wally.

So you're, uh... You're
leaving home, huh?

Yes, sir. And I'm not
never coming back.

Well, don't you
want to talk it over?

No, sir.

Well, good-bye.

Good-bye.

Well, I'm really going.

So you said.

I, uh, don't suppose

you'd want to have
your supper first.

No. I'm going right now.

Well, all right, then. Good-bye.

I'll tell your mother
you've gone.

Thank you.

Well, good-bye.

Good-bye.

Ward, Wally just told me.

What's this all
about the Beaver?

Oh, he just ran away from home.

Oh, Ward, let's go get him.

No, no. That's exactly
what he wants us to do.

But he might mean it.

There's nothing to worry about.

He'll walk around
the block once,

and he'll be back by the
time we finish our soup.

- Did he really go?
- Yes, he did.

Hey, Dad, he said he
was gonna join the pirates

and come back with a wooden leg.

Ward Cleaver, if he does,
I'll never speak to you again.

You know, Mom,

looking at the pictures
in this old scrapbook

really shows what a mess we were

when we were little.

How could you and Dad stand us?

Because you were our
children and we loved you.

Well, sure, Beav.

Even a vulture's kids look good

to a vulture.

Uh. Uh, that's right, Wally.

I just wish you'd
picked another example.

[laughing]

What are you laughing at?

At you, Wally, with
your first girlfriend.

Oh, yeah. Mary Ellen Rogers.

Oh, I remember that.

You refused to go to
an eighth grade dance,

and she got you
over to her house.

[Wally] Oh, yeah.

She kept stuffing me
with those doughnuts,

and I didn't know
what was going on.

Well?

What do you think, Wally?

Huh?

Oh.

They're real good doughnuts.

I mean about the dance.

I mean, after all,

it looks like we're both
going to have to go,

even though neither
one of us is going to like it.

And I was just thinking...

Well, maybe we
could go together.

Well, why would we do that for?

Well, if you don't
like something,

it's always good to
have someone with you

not to like it with,

if you know what I mean.

Oh, sure.

Like up at scout camp,

when it's your turn
to bury the garbage,

they always let
you do it in pairs.

Then you think I'm
right about the dance?

Hmm. Well, I... I guess so.

Here's someone that
got you in a lot of trouble.

Your pal Eddie Haskell.

Boy, he even looked
creepy in those days.

Well, never mind that, Beaver.

But I'll admit Eddie
was quite a character

right from the beginning.

You know, even as a little boy,

he had a knack of
coming in that kitchen

and upsetting me.

[knock on door]

Come in.

Hello, Mrs. Cleaver.
May I come in?

Oh, sure, Eddie. Come on.

Is Wally home?

Yes, he's up in his room.

I can only see him for a minute

because I have to go
over and see my girl.

Well, he's up in his room.

Uh, when you have a girl,

you can't spend all
your time with the fellas.

You have to spend
some time with your girl.

Oh, you have a girl, Eddie?

Oh, yes.

She goes away
to boarding school.

My father says that's
a pretty good indication

her family has money.

My father says it doesn't pay

to waste time with
people who don't count.

Well, it's nice of you to come
over here anyway, Eddie.

Uh, beg your
pardon, Mrs. Cleaver?

Look, Eddie, why don't
you run on upstairs, huh?

- Oh, hi, Eddie.
- How do you do, Mrs. Cleaver?

Excuse me, sir.

Mm.

That boy is so polite,
it's almost un-American.

Hey, Mom, are there
any pictures in here

of my old friend Andy?

Andy? Let's see.

Yeah. Here we are.

[Wally] He was a real neat guy.

Remember when he
painted our house?

Yes, but poor
Andy had a problem.

Guess we made a
mistake in hinting about it

instead of coming right out

and telling you
boys what it was.

We sure found out what it
was one day in the garage.

Hey, Wally, what's this?

I found it in the bushes.

I don't know.
Could be turpentine.

Didn't smell like turpentine.

Hey, I know what
this is. It's whiskey.

Smells awful.

All whiskey smells awful.

Then why do people drink it?

Well, it's like when
grownups have a party.

They drink it to
have a good time.

If it's a party, don't they
have a good time anyway?

Well, grownups
have a harder time

having a good time than kids do.

Hey, there's Larry Mondello.

[Ward] What's going on there?

Larry and I sneaked
into her sister's room.

We were just
messing around at first,

but then we got in big trouble.

Hey, Larry, what's this?

My sister's always
putting this junk on her hair

so it shouldn't be crummy.

What's this, Larry?

That's perfume, to
make her smell good.

And these are beauty creams

she's always
smearing on her face.

Boy, it sure is a lot
of trouble being a girl.

It is when you
look like my sister.

Hey, you want to read
something neat my sister's got?

Nah, let's get out of here.

Well, look. It's her diary.

What's a diary?

Well, it's a book where
girls write mushy stuff

they don't want anyone to see.

Come here.

We shouldn't be looking
at this, should we, Larry?

Wait till you hear this, Beaver.

There's a lot of
funny stuff in here.

This is what she
wrote yesterday.

I haven't seen this before.

"Things are impossible
here at home.

"My mother and father
do not understand me.

"My little brother is horrible

and eats like a pig."

Hey, Larry, that's pretty funny.

That's not the funny part.

[Larry] Hey, here's
some good mushy stuff.

"That cute boy got on
my bus again this morning.

"He asked me for a date,

"and I told him he was fresh.

I hope I didn't discourage him."

Larry Mondello.

Hello, Mrs. Mondello.

Well, Beaver, here's
your class picture

when you were
in the sixth grade.

[Beaver] Boy,
look at all the kids.

And there's Miss Landers.

Boy, did you ever
have a crush on her.

Yes, Beaver, you talked us

into inviting her over
for dinner one night,

and you were so nervous.

You were afraid
something would go wrong.

Won't you sit down? I
have some hors d'oeuvres.

Oh, wonderful.

Beaver, you stay here with Miss
Landers, and I'll be right back. Excuse me.

Well, Beaver, you certainly
look nice this evening.

Thank you, Miss Landers.
You look good, too.

I never saw your arms before.

Oh.

Your mother and
father are charming.

Oh, yes. They
learned that at college.

Well, Beaver, how do
you like school this year?

I like it fine. Thank
you, Miss Landers.

I'd like to present
my brother Wally.

He's a h*m* in high
school, and he took a bath.

Uh, how do you do?

How do you do, Wally?

He's taking Spanish.

Oh. ¿Habla usted Español?

Well, yeah, uh,
some of the words,

but I feel kind of
funny talking it.

Here we are. I
hope you like these.

Oh, thank you.

- Wally?
- Oh, uh, thanks, Mom.

Beaver?

Thank you.

Well, Mrs. Cleaver, you
certainly have two very nice boys.

Thank you.

- Miss Landers?
- Yes, Wally?

Um, is it true that
Andrew Johnson

was the only president
ever to be impeached?

Why, yes, I believe he was.

Yeah. Yeah, that's what I heard.

Don't we have a parent-teacher
meeting coming up?

Oh, yes, it's the first
Tuesday of next month.

Okay, folks, come and get it.

- Soup's on!
- Come along.

Beaver, take Miss Landers' arm.

But, gee, Mom, she doesn't
have any clothes on it.

Hey, what's this one, Dad?

It's you and Beaver
and me up in our room.

Let's see.

Oh, don't you remember that?

That's when you were running
for president of your class.

Oh, yeah. Boy,
did I get skunked.

Yeah, well, I'm afraid

your getting
skunked was my fault.

Remember I tried to act
as your campaign manager?

I told you to go out
and shake hands,

introduce yourself, and
turn on the old personality.

Boy, did that backfire.

[Ward] I'll never forget

what happened after the results

on election day.

Heck, Dad.

I'm not sore at you.

I wouldn't blame you
if you were, Wally.

I'm afraid I made you look
pretty silly with all my advice.

Yeah. I guess a lot of the kids

did think I was kind of creepy.

But, heck, Dad, I'll live.

Well, anyway, son, I'm sorry.

I really gave you a bum steer.

How come you gave
him a bad steer, Dad?

Oh, I guess it's just

all part of being
a father, Beaver.

Your boy makes
the football team,

and you visualize him scoring
touchdowns all over the place.

He gets an A in mathematics,

and you see him as an atomic
scientist landing on the moon

or maybe even picture him
marrying the banker's daughter.

Gee, Dad. I thought only
kids had goofy dreams like that.

Oh, no, Beaver.

Nope, parents
have their share, too.

You see, as you grow
older, you come to realize that

some of the ambitions
and dreams you had

are just not going to come true.

So you begin to dream
through your children.

You mean Mr. Rutherford
dreams through Lumpy?

Of course he does.

I don't guess there's a
father around anywhere who...

who doesn't want
things to be a little better

for his children than
they were for him.

Well, okay, guys?

Okay, Dad.

- Did the boys go upstairs?
- Uh-huh.

Do you think they enjoyed
looking through the scrapbook?

Oh, I'm sure they did.

Took them away from their
homework for a few minutes.

Well, I enjoyed it.

You know, Ward,

looking through a
scrapbook like that

is just like watching the boys
grow up before your eyes.

Yeah. And it was quite revealing

watching Eddie Haskell progress

from an insincere little kid

to a... an insincere big one.

You know, spending
an evening like this

makes you realize how much
Wally and the Beaver have grown up.

Yeah, they're not
little boys anymore.

They're responsible
individuals now.

- Practically grown men.
- Mm-hmm.

[squeaking]

Hey, Beav, look at him go.

- Isn't it neat?
- Yeah.

Hey, Wally, let me
wind it up next time.