05x04 - Ephemera

[bunniefuu]

GLORIA: They're dropping like flies.

Good Lord.

A lot of my friends are dead.

It's like a serial k*ller's in town.

Or maybe chemical warfare.

I just can't believe Lorelai
and Hal are both gone.

And Hal hung himself.

- Hanged.
- That's so sad.

Well, he got the diagnosis,

and he just didn't want to go on.

And Lorelai swore

she would never drive at night anymore.

Well, you can play
bridge with two people.

Gran, I found this box

with a bunch of stuff with Post-its.

It's like you've been
preparing to die since .

- Course.
- That's so rude.

It's part of life.

- [IPAD BEEPS]
- Oh, bugger.

Gloria? Oh, goodbye, Gloria.

This is wonderful.

- I like having this.
- Okay.

Now satellite, maps.

MAX: Okay.

- Now type your address here.
- PHYLLIS: Mm-hmm.

- FRANKIE: Boom. Isn't that crazy?
- [PHYLLIS GASPS]

Oh, dear.

That's my home.

Oh, I don't like this at all.

This is a dreadful invasion.

And why is my old car
still in the driveway?

No. No, Nan, this isn't now.

This is a drone sh*t that
was taken a while back

before Mom made you get rid of your car.

Made me? That was my choice.

Your mother can't make me do anything.

Me, either.

Oh, you know what I really want to see?

The house where you and
Uncle Lester grew up.

MAX: Is that okay,
Nan? Do you want that?

I-It's all right, dear.

I-I'd like to see that.

MAX: Okay.

Ainsworth Avenue.

United Kingdom.

Oh, my goodness.

That's my house.

And there's the bus stop

my father used to
take to work every day.

And that's the River Mersey.

We lived on the east side of the river.

And this is where my
good friend Lilly lived.

Everyone called us Phil and Lil.

And... Yes.

Then there was the g*ng.

Dorothy Brew,

Valerie Campbell and Diane Simpson.

I was jealous of Diane
because she was an only child

and got everything she wanted.

And then there was Sheila Corbyn

and her sweet brother Ben.

He fell madly in love with me, you know.

[FRANKIE CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

- Do you think he's still there?
- I have no idea.

I lost touch with everyone
when I came to America.

Well, let's see if he's on Facebook.

Is that the cloud? Absolutely not.

I'm not doing the cloud.

Nan, you're using the cloud right now.

This is the cloud.

It's actually the perfect place

for your people to stay in touch.

What kind of people am I?

The Silent Generation.

But regardless, she
doesn't have an account,

so let's just use... mine.

Is that him?

Yes. That's him.

Oh, my goodness. He's still handsome.

- [MAX CHUCKLES]
- Oh, he did make me laugh.

I did like him quite a bit.

But I wanted to travel, see the world.

No set plan.

Just save my money and get up and go.

He's single. Friend him.

Oh, he doesn't need to be single
for us to be friends again.

- [MAX CHUCKLES]
- Let's send him a message.

Oh, no, stop!

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY] I would
never greet him like that.

[SCOFFS]

"Darling..."

[CHUCKLES]: Oh.

- No.
- [ALL LAUGH]

No, I couldn't possibly. Um, um...

"Dearest..."

- FRANKIE: Aw, "dearest."
- MAX: I love that.

- She's so pretty.
- I know, right?

And it's weird, because
I didn't think...

Like, I don't hate her as
much as I thought I would.

Who's pretty? Your teacher?

Mom. This conversation is private.

[CHUCKLES]: Oh. Private. Okay.

I'm sitting right next to you.

Do you want me to just
pretend I'm unconscious?

Yep. Just your friendly
neighborhood Uber driver here.

Not listening.

Which is bullshit. They always listen.

So, this is the Chapel
of the Holy Cross.

The three of us hiked
all the way to the top.

And then this is the
view of the whole canyon

- and the red rocks. It was sick.
- Whoa, that's beautiful.

- Was it hard?
- Not really.

I mean, my dad was a little bit slow,

but Marianna kept up. She's a runner.

[EXHALES] Okay, Mom, I didn't tell you

because I thought you would
get your feelings hurt.

Me? Oh, I so don't care, baby.

[CHUCKLES]: I have zero feelings

about your dad's personal dating life.

- Don't care.
- Okay. But, Mom, she's actually,

like, kind of cool.

She's a dermatologist.
And she's half Uruguayan.

And she gave me all these, like,
really good skin care products.

Uruguayan. Hmm.

Okay, see? You do care.

Oh, no, I seriously don't.

It's like you told me
some gay guy named Larry

married his boyfriend in Torrance.

Pepper,

- you got your paperwork to shadow Duke?
- Yeah.

Okay, cool.

Five stars, please, Miss.

You're not funny.

- [CAR DOOR CLOSES]
- [CHUCKLES] Actually,

people tend to find me pretty funny.

Please put that phone down

before you walk into that building!

- Esperanza!
- [SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

- Hi.
- ESPERANZA: Oh, hi, Sam.

- How are you?
- SAM [CHUCKLES]: Hi.

- I'm good.
- How's Max and Frankie?

They're good.

- Toi, toi, toi. They're all big now.
- Aw.

The house feels kind of empty.

You want to come back? I need a friend.

- [SAM CHUCKLES]
- [HORN HONKS]

I'm with this new family now.

I think the boy is a n*zi.
He doesn't like my pupusas.

- [HORN HONKS]
- What?

One sec! Who could hate your pupusas?

- Here, you take them.
- [GASPS]

Oh, my God. Thank you.

Be honest. Do you miss us?

- [CHUCKLES]
- We're your favorites, right?

- [GRUNTS SOFTLY]
- What?

Oh, Danny! Hey.

I was hoping I'd see you here.

DANNY: My friend. Good to see you.

Good to see you, too.

You come back for tacos nacos.

- With you?
- Bring your kids.

I'll bring six of mine, okay?

- [CHUCKLES]
- Okay.

- You make me smile.
- Oh.

Bye, Danny.

- All right.
- See you later, king.

What? You know Danny Trejo?

- Yes.
- [ESPERANZA GASPS SOFTLY]

Sammie, be careful.

He's a married man.

You know he's already had seven wives.

Oh, what? No. [CHUCKLING]

- We're not that. No.
- ESPERANZA: No?

No.

That's right.

- No man for Sam.
- Yes, that's right.

- [LAUGHS]
- Down with men.

El stinko. Muy contenta sola.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Ciao.

- Bye, Esperanza.
- ESPERANZA: Adios.

[BAG RUSTLING]

- [SNIFFS] Oh.
- [HORN HONKING]

Sorry! Sorry.

- [ENGINE STARTS]
- [HONKING CONTINUES]

Okay.

- [DOG BARKS]
- [SAM SIGHS]

MARION: Hi there, schmuck.

Oh, a briefcase.

- Hello.
- Shut up.

[DOG BARKING]

Uncle Marion's here to help Mommy.

[SCOFFING]

Just sign this.

Do this right now.

What is it? [CLEARS THROAT]

- Fill it out. You need it.
- [PEN THUDS]

I don't have a lot of time.

Ooh.

Gold pen. Can I...?

- You're giving that back to me.
- Okay.

Wait, what is this?

- What?
- I'm not checking this box.

"An unmarried woman"?

Am I being filmed?

- [SIGHS]
- Is this a joke?

I don't joke about money.

It's antiquated, yes. Fine.

It's just how most forms are still.

Ugh. This makes me physically ill.

Who am I, Jill Clayburgh?

Was "spinster" not available?
I would prefer "spinster."

Just fill it out.

Oh.

Ooh. [CHUCKLES]

That's your fiduciary
voice. You're very serious.

It's so fiduciary.

You're doing that right now.

[DEEP VOICE]: "It's very fiduciary. Mm."

Do you even know what the
word "fiduciary" means?

Yes.

Boring. Money-related.

- Republican.
- Would you like to know

what my fiduciary advice
is to you right now?

No, not at all.

Good. 'Cause you wouldn't like it.

Okay. Sorry.

Go ahead. Tell me.

Be annoying.

Your debt-to-income ratio is a joke.

You're overleveraged
with the two mortgages

and the four dependents.

Not to mention the
mamzer who bled you dry.

Okay. Yes. I know all this.

So what do I do?

You want my advice moving forward?

Yes.

- Okay.
- No. No.

No. No. No.

Yes.

- All right.
- No.

- Oh, God.
- No. No.

No. [GROANS, SIGHS]

Okay, yes.

- All right.
- No. Actually, no.

Because I don't like
the tone of your face.

And I feel very accused right now.

So, if you could give
me your advice without...

that.

Our mother's years old.

She doesn't need
a three-f*cking-bedroom house.

I knew it.

It always comes down to Phil with you.

You're obsessed.

You got to take the emotion out of it.

Rent her a small condo.
People do it every day.

It's not a revolutionary idea, Sam.

Do that and...

"And"? "And"? I get to do another thing?

Yes.

Sell your house.

You're in the negative zone right now.

Shrink.

Shrink. Shrink.

Shrink.

- Are you a grown-up?
- Are you a grown-up?

Seriously, are you? Because grown-ups

don't pretend their
financial issues evaporate

- just by closing their eyes.
- [SIGHS]

I'm not selling my house, bro.

Why not? Max is gone.

Frankie and Duke will be gone soon.

Why do you need all this house?

You don't.

It's just you. You're five-foot-nothing.

You don't need all this.

I love you, sis, but
you're a pain in the ass.

You got all the love growing up

because you're so talented

and charming and entertaining.

But this right here? This
is what I'm talented at.

And I'm sorry if my talent is boring

and dry.

And a little overwhelming.

Aah!

- [CRYING]
- Bro.

Bro.

This just happens lately.

I'm gonna say this because...

I think you need to hear it right now.

- Dad would have been proud of you.
- Aw, come on.

[SOBBING]: That makes it worse.

All right. Come here.

Let go.

- Oh, you stink.
- Let go.

You're the worst.

Let go.

Let go.

All right. Get off me. That's enough.

I hate you.

You put the "douche" in "fiduciary."

[SIGHS] Just sign it, will you?

- I'm not checking that box.
- You don't have to...

You don't have to... Just sign that.

- [SAM GROANS]
- [MARION SNIFFLES]

- [PEN SCRIBBLING]
- [EXHALES]

You're such an adult. I'm proud of you.

- [CHUCKLES] Bro.
- Yeah.

- [CHUCKLES] Sucker!
- [GROANS] Damn it.

- It cost more than your car. Come here!
- I love you!

Are you serious?

What?

Please come in here with me.

I can't. I can't f*ck with antique malls

and all those energies in there.

It's dangerous for somebody like me.

Okay, Theresa Caputo.

Are you coming in?

Uh... No, thank you.

Be careful of those robots.

They'll get you.

PEPPER: I can't believe they
sell those. Is that legal?

Roald Dahl was a n*zi.

Uh, what should I get my
mom? Do you like any of those?

I don't... I don't know.
Just get her whatever.

She'll like anything.

Are we done?

Can we go now?

Um, let me pay for this,
and we can leave.

♪ Honey, it's too late ♪

♪ Honey, it's too late ♪

♪ Too late to cry ♪

- PEPPER: Hi.
- Hi.

♪ Oh, for begging me, baby... ♪

That's a beauty.

Sandalwood.

Honey, will you get her
the key so she can open it?

♪ Now that you need me, darling ♪

♪ How could you walk out? ♪

♪ Oh, whoa... ♪

DUKE: It's so sad.

Everybody who was in these
and took these are all gone,

and now nobody wants them.

WOMAN: Actually, lots of people do.

Objects have energy.

It's strange,

but, well, our lives become

lovely ephemera.

♪ Too late to cry ♪

♪ But I know you know
that I know that I know ♪

♪ That it's too late
for wanting me, baby... ♪

PEPPER: Hey.

- What's the matter?
- No, it's...

I don't... I don't feel anything.

My... Can we just go?

Can we just... Can we just go?

Okay.

♪ Too late for tears. ♪

I guess I'll just get her

a T-shirt at the train
station or something.

No, we can... we can go to Burbank

and, like, find her a special gift.

- It's okay.
- No, really, we can...

- We can go.
- Forget it.

We can head back.
You're obviously over it.

Hey. Can you please put your phone down

- for like five minutes?
- What do you want from me?

I don't mean to be a bitch,

but I used up my break
to spend time with you.

I could have gone on a trip with my mom.

And instead, I'm staring at you
looking at your phone all day.

And see?

If I say anything, you just medicate.

And it's boring.

You're boring, Duke.

Yeah. You are.

Just, like, I-I don't...
I don't know what to say.

What do you... Like, what
do you want me to say?

I don't want you to say anything.

I just want you to have fun with me.

And be with me. Can you
just be with me, please?

[CRYING]: I don't know.

I just, like...

I don't... I don't feel anything.

Not even my thing.

Like, not even, like, my sunshine.

And it's like, like, I don't,
like, I don't feel comfortable

in my own skin.
I just... I hate my face.

I, like, I hate my body.
And it's like...

Like, I, like... Like, I
don't want to leave the house,

and, like, I don't want to do anything.

And, like, I'm not good at anything.

Like, I... Like, there's
nothing else I do but that.

And it's like...

Like, I don't... Like, I
don't want to leave the house.

Like, I don't feel connected.

To, like, anything.

And I suck at... My sisters.

My sisters are so f*cking perfect.

And, like, they're good
at everything they do,

and they're so f*cking beautiful.

And then it's just like
I'm, like, next to them

like nothing. I'm nothing.

That's dumb.

You're beautiful.

No. f*ck you. You're beautiful.

- No, I'm a fat sh*t.
- Shut up.

- It's just that...
- That's okay.

'Cause I love myself.
I'm good with myself.

I want that for you.

Do you remember this poem you wrote me?

That's what you're good at.

Writing.

Are you staring at my tits?

[CHUCKLES, SNIFFLES]

They're right there. Eye level.

[CHUCKLES]

[PEACOCK HONKING]

Welcome to the Hollywood
Forever Cemetery.

My name is LaMarr.

My pronouns are he/him.

My pronouns are fat and trans fat.

- Mom.
- I'm kidding.

I know it's no laughing matter.

My pronouns actually are

- Mr. Dobalina/Mrs. Bob Dobalina.
- Oh, my God.

I'm so sorry.

- Please continue.
- Thank you.

Today, you will be seeing
the final resting places

of actors, writers,

stuntmen, grips.

Boom operators like my late father.

- Don't step on the...
- Stepped on the new guy.

- Oh, he's new? Ooh! [SPITS]
- FRANKIE: Brand-new.

LAMARR: If you have any questions,

please feel free to ask.

Are we ready to begin our journey?

Shall we?

- SAM: Dedication, October , .
- FRANKIE: .

SAM: Mama Irene!

- FRANKIE: I love the sunglasses.
- SAM: I love her shoes.

Wedges.

[GASPS] Oh, my God.

This is incredible.

He was a rock climber or...?

Look at all these movies.

He was in all these movies.

- Oh, whoa.
- Or he did all these movies.

So he was a... stuntman.

See, that's what I don't get
about the rest of them, though.

I wish they all, like,

said what they did
rather than just, like,

"Here's a person.
Here's when they lived.

- "Here's when they d*ed."
- SAM: I mean,

this is just a magnificent monument.

Wow.

Beautiful.

Abbondanza!

"A man who is missed

"by anyone that knew him.

"You've left us a lasting legacy,

"and we miss you terribly every day.

You will always and forever
be in our hearts and thoughts."

[SNIFFLES]

LAMARR: Right here to our right

- is Charles S. Chaplin Jr.
- Oh!

Over the archway, you
can see Iron Eyes Cody,

- one of our finest Italian actors.
- Oh!

And right down here

is Joan Hackett's shrine of reverence.

- [SAM GASPS LOUDLY]
- Take a look.

- Will you shut up?
- Sorry.

I'm excited. Lot of people
that I really admire.

[EXHALES] Sobering.

What a legend. I mean,
can you believe the kind

of harassment she put up with at work?

Who are you talking to?

I went through all that sh*t, too.

Wait, where are you going?

- FRANKIE: I want to walk around.
- But the tour.

Okay.

Just slowly...

I love you. [KISSES]

Slip away.

You ever think about, like...

Do you have any plans, like, maybe

for what you want to do next year?

Like, actual plans

for the future?

I'm so confused.

What are we talking about right now?

♪ After searching all my life ♪

- ♪ I've found a place ♪
- [MAN PRAYING IN HEBREW]

♪ Where love never dies ♪

♪ Have you seen the people there? ♪

Amen.

Omain.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Thank you very much.

SAM: I think I really
messed you guys up.

FRANKIE: Mom, I get it.
Make plans for the future.

Think about my life

even though global warming's
gonna k*ll us all anyway.

I totally understand.

SAM: Where to next? You want to go to...

Little Thailand or the gay section?

Grandpa's grave.

Oh.

What?

- Mom, come on.
- [SIGHS]

- Come on.
- Geez there, then.

I don't feel like it.

FRANKIE: One for you, one for me.

[EXHALES, KISSES]

[PEACOCK HONKING]

See? You can see yourself.

Let's go home.

- Do it again.
- [FRANKIE IMITATES PEACOCK HONK]

[SAM AND FRANKIE LAUGH]

- Yeah, it's like a... [HONKS]
- Like a squeaky toy.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Please don't att*ck us.

_

[SAM LAUGHS]

- That was nice.
- Mm.

Mom, Jason's they/them.

Oh. What?

They're not he/him. They're they/them.

Oh.

They are?

Those are their pronouns.

Okay? And I'm not, like, mad

about your dumb jokes
in the circle earlier.

Whatever. I still have a sense of humor.

And if you mess up in
the future, I get it.

It's a process.

I know it's a lot for you to understand,

but you should even though you're old.

[CHUCKLES] All righty, them.

All righty, them. [CHUCKLES]

That's a good joke.

I... [CLEARS THROAT]

Sorry. So, um,

Jason's a they/them. Okay.

Not a they/them. Just they/them.

Okay. So there's, like,
more than one of him?

I mean... Sorry. Them?

It's a plural word.

They are a thousand strong.

They are legion.

- [CHUCKLES]
- It's okay. There's a learning curve.

SAM: Hmm. Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm...

What?

Are you...

anything in particular else called thing

that you would like to tell me about?

No.

Because, uh, I was just wondering,

if-if one of you guys...

I mean... Sorry. People.

Uh, what would I...

- supposed to be calling you?
- [ENGINE REVVING]

assh*le!

Why do you have to call us anything?

I mean, why-why do
things have to have labels

and be genderized all the time?

What does that even mean?

What are we, all just a bunch
of nouns walking around?

I-I'm-I'm saying, I'm wondering,

I have three daughters.

- What would I... call you?
- Well,

a daughter is a girl.

They'd still be your child, though.

"My child."

I would have two daughters and a child.

Like the s.

"My child.

"My child is ill.

My child has typhoid fever."

- [CHUCKLES]
- Pretty much.

So, what would the sisters

call the FKA sister?

Sibling.

[SAM EXHALES]

I've always been the
mom of three daughters.

Who would I be then?

It's not about you, Mom.

[SAM EXHALES]

["MARY MOON" BY LABRYS PLAYING]

[EXHALES]

♪ Mary, did you see the moon? ♪

♪ Mary, did you miss it? ♪

♪ Mary, did you go outside ♪

♪ During the eclipse? ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪

- [IPAD CHIMES]
- [LAUGHING]

♪ Ooh... ♪

Hey, Uncle Lester.

[SIGHS]

♪ Oh! ♪

♪ Y'all want it nasty ♪

♪ Let me get down and dirty ♪

♪ What's that plan, suffragette? ♪

♪ All right, let me
tell you like it is ♪

♪ Ha ♪

♪ They say what goes up come down ♪

♪ Don't tell me that lie ♪

♪ I know that it can change around ♪

♪ But we've been through it ♪

♪ Cheating on each other ♪

♪ Don't paint me no color ♪

♪ And call me brother ♪

♪ All right, 'cause you know ♪

♪ You know I know ♪

♪ What goes around come around ♪

♪ And it stinks when
it come back, baby ♪

♪ And it gotta be funky, funky,
funk, funk, funk, funk, funk ♪

♪ All the way down through it ♪

♪ Huh? Baby, I got a message for you ♪

♪ Hey, man, it seem like life been ♪

♪ Somethin' of a problem to somebody ♪

♪ Let me get down and dirty ♪

♪ What's that plan, suffragette? ♪

♪ All right, let me
tell you like it is ♪

- ♪ Ha. ♪
- Here's to you.

- [CLATTERING, DOGS BARKING]
- Jesus.

MAX: Hi, babies.

[BARKING CONTINUES]

DEMAREST: Yep, okay.

- [GRUNTING]
- SAM: Hello?

- MAX: Guys...
- Is this your mom?

CAMPBELL: Bro, this is
really heavy. Keep going.

Keep going, guys. Keep
going. Up the stairs.

- Don't stop.
- Okay. Yep.

Whoa, whoa. Oh, no, no, no.

No, you-you need to stop.

- Guys, just keep going up the stairs.
- No, no. Not up the stairs.

- Don't stop.
- Stop! Stop, stop. I...

No. No, put that down. I
have to protect the art.

Yeah, bro, you got
to protect the art, okay?

Here, go in first.

- And freaking help me, okay?
- No, no, no. Stop now.

Set it down right now on the stairs.

- Put it down on the stairs.
- [OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

- Sit it down right now.
- I'm gonna drop this mattress.

- SAM: Okay.
- Oh!

- Thank...
- Ooh.

[PANTING]

[DOG BARKING]

[BLOWS RASPBERRY, CLEARS THROAT]

Hello.

Hi.

Uh, Mrs. Fox...

Oh, no, no, no, bro.

Okay, where do you want the mattress?

Not my name.

I was gonna call you,
but it's not my fault,

because, like, the U-Haul
changed location last minute

and I-I had to go all the
way to Canoga Park to get it,

and then my phone d*ed because, like,

I had to use GPS the whole time.

I almost got lost in
freaking Chatsworth.

So...

Okay, so should I assume

that you're moving back home?

Well, I don't have a choice.

I mean, it really sucks.
Like, I loved that apartment.

Okay, so, uh, where do
you want the mattress?

Just upstairs, to the left.

Um, no, actually, that's
not your room anymore.

Your room is Duke's
room, or FKA Duke's room.

- Seriously?
- That's... Yes.

Mm-hmm.

Upstairs to the right.

- [PANTING]
- SAM: Thank you, boys.

CAMPBELL: Yes, Ms. Fox.

[CAMPBELL AND DEMAREST
GRUNTING, PANTING]

Hello.

Will you come with me?

It's gonna be fine. Ooh,
look at your f*cking tushy

- in these pants.
- [LAUGHING]: Mom.

- Mom.
- [CLEARS THROAT]

This makes me feel like a failure.

I just, I-I need you to know
I don't want to live here.

Yes. Okay, thank you.

[CHUCKLES]: No. No offense.

I just, like, I don't really
have a choice right now.

I won't be here for that long.

For the lady.

- Who is this for?
- For you.

You need it. Take it.

- Are you sure?
- Yes.

- How is that?
- Mmm.

- Good.
- Yes.

Yes.

- One for Mama.
- Mmm.

- It's good?
- Good.

I want you to know... that I know.

Know what?

That this feels like going backward.

But it's not.

This is movement towards your future.

This is forward movement.

I swear to Frances Farmer.

Thanks.

What do you think about Frankie?

What about Frankie?

I was just wondering what you think.

They're fine.

♪ Can you remember what it's like... ♪

- Mm. What?
- Frankie's good.

Okay.

♪ In your sight... ♪

Welcome home for a little bit?

Just a little.

♪ Spread it around, do... ♪

Mmm. I just want... Mmm, mmm, uh.

- All the salt.
- [BOTH LAUGH]

Mmm, I love... [LAUGHS]

- Mmm.
- [CONVERSATION CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]

♪ What does hoarding
all that joy gain? ♪

♪ Spread it around, do ♪

♪ Spread it around, do ♪

♪ Spread it around, do ♪