04x01 - No Place Like Home

[bunniefuu]

This is Sabrina's th birthday party
and I want everything to be perfect.

Eighteen? I can't believe it.

She'll be leaving home soon.

Starting a whole new life.

Making new friends.

A new place to live.

We probably won't see her much
anymore.

[VOICE BREAKING]
She'll be too busy

to visit her silly old aunts.

I'm home.

[VOICE BREAKING]
Yeah, but not for long.

Ahh. We can't let her see us all teary.

Happy faces.

Not the smiling spell. Oh.

This is gonna be the best year ever.

I heard that Libby's parents
are sending her to boarding school.

I guess Children of the Corn Academy
has reopened.

If you'll excuse me,
I'm off to Chocolate Town.

See? She's leaving us already.

Our little witch is all grown up.

You still have little me.

[BOTH SOBBING]

What do you think if I put my bed here
and Valerie's bed up against that wall?

How about
we put Valerie's bed where it belongs?

With her family in Alaska.

Salem, I'm sorry, but I asked if it's okay
if Valerie comes to stay.

But I thought you said,
"I'd like to get you a valet."

Valerie's my friend. I can't let her
finish high school in Anchorage.

She looks terrible in mukluks.

And remember,
while she's here, no talking.

Something in your eye
or an aneurysm,

either way, take it outside.

I'm trying
some nonverbal communication.

That was Morse code for:

I can't believe those aunts agreed
to let Valerie come live with us.

Yeah,
every so often, they're shockingly cool.

I can't believe you agreed
to let Valerie come live with us.

Me?
I believe you're the one who said,

"Gee, it'd be nice to have a mortal
around the house for a change."

First of all, I never say, "Gee."

The point is we agreed.

We're just gonna have to learn

to get along without magic
around the house for nine months.

It's Sabrina's last year at home,

[VOICE BREAKING]
and I want everything to be perfect.

You're right.

In nine months,
we can do all the magic that we want.

There won't be
any teenagers around

[VOICE BREAKING]
to tell us how un-cool

and out of style we are.

I can always do that for you.

Thanks, Zellie.

[BOTH BLOW NOSES]

Don't forget the one from your dad.

Okay, not a car,
so I'm going with my second choice.

It must be tickets
to the Britney Spears concert.

- Surprise.
- Dad.

If the rest of you is in a Porsche,
I'm the happiest girl in the world.

I guess that explains the air holes.

Sabrina, I'm afraid my present
is a little bit selfish this year.

- Men's shoes again?
- No.

I'm semi-retiring
from the Other Realm Foreign Service,

so I'm gonna be settling down.

I want you to come to Paris
and live with me.

- Live with you?
- Right now?

Well, of course not.

She needs time to pack.

I don't know what to say.

I know.
How about, "Thanks, but, no, thanks"?

Would you excuse us?

We have to check on those cakes.

SALEM: Mm.
- We can't let him do this.

He can't just pop in here
and take our Sabrina away.

He's her father. Of course he can.

We knew this day would come.

Yes, but not for a long, long time.

Oh. It's not fair.

And there are paw prints
all over my cake.

When I'm upset, I eat.

Now, listen,
you've got to promise me

that you're not gonna try to influence
Sabrina's decision.

If she wants to leave us, well...

SABRINA:
Dad, I'll be right back.

Isn't this fantastic? Dad said he and
Gail live in the magic quarter in Paris.

And their apartment
is actually in the Eiffel tower.

Think about how many thousands
of Japanese snapshots I'll be in.

- Are you crying?
- Onions.

New cake recipe.

Sometimes
I just don't understand Martha Stewart.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Happy birthday.

Wow, this must be a fantastic party.

You two look like
you're having a really good time.

[CHUCKLES]

Whoo-hoo. Tickets
to the Britney Spears concert.

Actually, they're parking-lot passes.

We have to listen to the concert
from outside,

but we might get to see her
when she runs to her limo.

Whoo-hoo. Parking-lot passes
to the Britney Spears concert.

You know, Sabrina, I think
this is gonna be the best year ever.

And so I just don't think
I can go right now.

There's Harvey,
and senior year starts tomorrow,

and I have a friend
moving in with me.

And I hear the French
can be really rude.

Sabrina, it's okay.

I understand.

Just promise me you'll think about it.

I miss having you close by.

SABRINA:
I promise.

Checking each other for chiggers.

Tell me
this means what I think it means.

That my mother was right,

I should've taken those classes
to become a court reporter?

No,
that Mr. Kraft is not coming back,

thus proving
that prayers are answered.

They told me
to take his name off the door.

- A new vice principal starts today.
- No Libby, no Kraft.

So this is what it's like to peak.

Hey, guess what.

If my day keeps going the way
it's been going, you've got gold for me?

No, but I have news.
Do you remember Brad?

Your best friend
who moved back to Texas?

The guy who used to burn ants
with a magnifying glass?

That's the guy, and he's back.

Come on.
I can't wait for you to meet him.

Oh, glad to see you learned
how to catch while I was gone.

- Hi, Brad.
- Oh, hey, right back at you, Courtney.

Hey, Brad.
I'd like you to meet Sabrina.

Sabrina? Oh, it's about time.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Hey, Joe.

Nice to meet you too.

Isn't he great?

Yeah,
good thing I don't have a thorax.

Why can't we put all this
in the basement

with the rest of the junk?

Well, because we have to pack up
all our potions before Valerie arrives.

So I thought
we might as well go through them.

For example,
this frog's tongue expired in .

SALEM:
Help. Fire.

Help, help.

Salem. That's a real toaster.

I packed up the magic one
this morning.

It's only for toast.

Well, that's stupid.

HILDA:
Hm!

You ordered a king-sized cat bed
with magic fingers?

And where do you expect
to put that, Hef?

Sabrina's room.

It's custom,

so you have to order it
months in advance.

- In advance of what?
- Sabrina going away to college.

While you sisters have been snivelling
at the thought of it,

I've been planning ahead.

Nine months,
and Salem's getting his own pad.

Yeah, baby.

Good luck opening the door.

Gah?

Okay, so you excited to be back?
Must be great to know everyone--

Yes, so whatever.

Okay, if he calls me a freak,

I know Libby got a hold
of some male hormones.

Hey, there's Brad.

He saved us a seat.

I think he saved you a seat.

Harvey,
I really don't think he likes me.

What are you talking about?

Of course he likes you.

Hey, could we make some room
for Sabrina?

- Yeah, sure.
- See?

- I was just getting up.
- See?

Hey, Brad.

Do you have some kind of problem
with Sabrina?

Sabrina?

She's cool. Why?

No reason. Forget about it.

He thinks you're great.

ZELDA: All we've been doing
is sitting around the house, crying.

Why don't we go out
and cheer ourselves up?

That's a great idea.

Hey, that revival house downtown
is playing a fabulous double feature.

Terms of Endearment
and Sophie's Choice.

Perfect. I could use a good cry.

BRAD:
Kinkle, think fast.

- Ha-ha. don't forget, my place, : .
- We'll be there.

What's going on at : ?
I thought we had a date.

The guys are having
this welcome-back thing for Brad,

and I figured
we could combine it with our date.

sh**t, and I was hoping we could
go out for Chinese water t*rture.

What's this problem you have
with Brad?

The only problem I have with Brad
is that Brad has a problem with me.

I can kind of see why.
You're not being very welcoming.

Yeah, that friendly thing I do
is so off-putting.

Fine, we won't go to Brad's house
and have fun.

- We'll go out.
- Maybe I don't wanna go out.

Great, because I don't think
I wanna take you out.

Great.

Not great.

Hey.

Mr. Kraft? What are you doing here?
You're not vice principal anymore.

True. Ineffectual, purely-a-figurehead
Vice Principal Kraft is no more.

Now, it is all-seeing,
all-powerful Principal Kraft.

Principal? What am I, Job?

This is gonna be the best year ever.

Hello?

Crisis.

Aunt Hilda?

Aunt Zelda?

Where is everybody? Oh.

They're having fun at the movies
as opposed to being here

where they should be
while I'm having force-five freak-out.

- Salem, I'm in full crisis mode.
- Nya-huh.

You think a mirrored ceiling
would be too much

or just enough?

Salem.

[PHONE RINGS]

If this is someone trying to switch
my long-distance, I swear...

Valerie?

Oh, thank goodness,
someone to talk to.

Listen, Mr. Kraft is principal.

Harvey has this obnoxious friend
and we had a huge fight and--

Wait,
aren't you supposed to be on a plane?

What?

No, of course I understand.

Sure.

Okay, bye. Valerie's not coming.

She can't leave her family.

Yes, look who's talking now.

This is gonna be the worst year
of my life.

Unless...

Sabrina, where are you going?

Paris.

Dear Harvey,
the view from my dad's apartment is...

My dad's apartment
is located in the Eiffel...

The cheese is great.

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

Ah.

[BOTH SPEAK IN FRENCH]

Hey, Melvin,
you want me to get you some food?

GAIL:
That's your stepbrother's job.

Donald.

- Thank you.
- Silly me.

I was gonna do it the mortal way,
but then I'm so bourgeois.

Okay, we'd better get going

if we wanna b*at the crowds
at Euro Disney again.

I'll get Donald.

Actually, I was kind of hoping
I'd be starting school today.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
I keep forgetting to look into that.

Look,
why don't I just zap you in a tutor?

You like Einstein?

Thanks, but...

Even if kids here do consider bathing
a quirky personality trait,

I think I'd rather be going to a regular
high school with kids my own age.

You are definitely your mortal
mother's daughter. All right, let's go.

Actually, I think I'm gonna
hang out here today.

I'm feeling a little homesick.

Or maybe it's the cream sauce
from breakfast.

Well,
you can always check up on people

on the Mortal Channel.

I mean, I paid
for the premium package.

Somebody might as well use it.

[TV PLAYING]

Yeah, watching people who probably
don't care less that I'm gone.

That will cheer me up.

We'll have a good day together,
won't we, just you and me?

Right, Melvin? Melvin?

BRAD:
Yo, Kinkle, think fast.

Hey, you've been wearing
that shirt for three days.

Four. This is what I was wearing
the last time I saw Sabrina.

Yeah, get it all in there.

What are you doing
to Sabrina's locker?

Erasing every last memory
and molecule of Miss Spellman.

I don't know if I wanna check up
on Harvey.

We had that stupid fight
and he probably doesn't even miss me.

All right, quit badgering me. I'll look.

[LAUGHING]

Well, he certainly seems
to be keeping his anguish in check.

Yeah, apparently the healing
has begun.

He is so over me.

[TV CLICKS OFF]

[LAUGHING]

Okay, thank you, Mr. Kinkle,
for helping me demonstrate

how stimulating the nervous system
can provoke an involuntary response.

In this case, laughter.

- Ahem.
- Sabrina's ticklish behind the ears.

And may I recommend
a strong antifungal?

I hate substituting.

Hilda, please,
pull yourself together.

You've got to stop crying.

Why?

Because whenever I see you doing it,
I start.

Oh, sure, blame me.

Yeah, it's all Hilda's fault.

I'm sorry,
I don't mean to take it out on you.

You're all I have.

Think how I feel.

You're all I have.

Here.

Help with these boxes.

It's good to keep busy.

And be careful.
There are potions in there.

I know. You don't always have to--

Oh.

HILDA: Wanna wreak havoc
in Gotham City?

Harvey might not care that I'm gone,
but I'm sure my aunts miss me.

[TV PLAYING]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Uncontrollable laughter
must be one of the stages of grief.

You looked ridiculous.

Oh, me?
You should have seen you.

Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee.

[HILDA AND ZELDA LAUGHING]

They're so happy I'm gone,
they're giddy.

Wait, wait, do you hear something?

[SALEM CRYING]

I hear crying. Salem?

Finally, someone misses me.

Granted, I would have bet big money
it wouldn't be the cat.

[CRYING]

Salem, are you all right?

Oh, tell Zelda what's the matter.

It's...

It's...

It's the drapes.

They clash with the new comforter.

And I can't return them.

[SOBBING]

My bed's not even cold
and he's moving in already.

It seems like the only person
who's excited to see me is my dad.

I've got to do everything possible
to try to fit in here.

What do you think?

You're dead, aren't you, Melvin?

You self-absorbed cat.

I know that's redundant.

Okay, truth time.

I don't care about curtains.

I'm upset because I miss Sabrina.

Everything in here
reminds me of her.

Because it is hers.

I miss my Sabrinie.

[SALEM SOBBING]

Sabrinie?

And so I've been rethinking
this whole mortal high school thing.

Learning English
as a second language,

downing goose liver
and snail sandwiches, no, thank you.

Sabrina, this doesn't sound like you.

Oh, really,
don't you recognise my voice?

Are you unhappy here?

No, not at all. It's just--

Well, I was supposed to go
to this Britney Spears concert and--

Say no more.

[SINGING]
You're so into me

That I'm the only one you will see

Tell me, I'm not in the blue

Oh, that I'm not wasting

My feelings on you

This is so cool.

Every time I look at you

My heart is jumping

What can I do?

You drive me crazy
I just can't sleep

It's good to see you smile again.

I'm so excited, I'm in too deep

Oh, crazy, but it feels all right

Baby, thinking of you
Keeps me up all night

Okay, now it's just weird.

You're not enjoying this, are you?

No, it's great, it's just...

Well, it's not that much fun alone.

Tell me about it.

Like you'd know.
You're always surrounded by people.

And sometimes
that's the loneliest place to be.

Maybe that's why I've been having
these weird one-on-one dreams often.

They drive me crazy.

What am I supposed to do?

I can't tell my dad
I wanna go back home.

Why not?
He needs to realise you're not fitting in.

And besides, you came here
for all the wrong reasons.

Okay, we'll do it your way.
Right foot first.

- Easier, huh?
- Not really.

What do you mean,
all the wrong reasons?

It sounds like to me that you're
running away from your problems.

- Taking the easy way out.
- Taking the easy way out.

That's a great idea for a song.
Dibs on royalties.

Can I go home now?

Sure. Thanks.

Great voice, but she really needs
to work on the dance moves.

- I need to talk to you.
- Oh, Dad, I need to talk to you too.

- I have to go to Pluto.
- You first.

A civil w*r has broken out there.

Unfortunately, that means
I'm gonna be gone for quite a while.

Now, you're welcome to stay here
with Gail and Donald,

but I think
you might be much happier--

- Back home.
- Yup.

Thanks.

SABRINA:
Hello? I'm home.

Where is everybody?

I can't believe Aunt Hilda
and Aunt Zelda went out again.

Dad told them I was coming home.

ALL:
Surprise.

Oh, welcome home, honey.

We missed you.

Sabrinie.

- Sabrinie?
- I'm so happy you're back.

- Put me down.
- Sorry.

I'm so glad to be back
and I'm so glad you're glad I'm back.

There are paw prints in my cake.

When I'm happy, I eat.

Guess we can all thank that civil w*r
on Pluto.

Is that what it was?

Would you excuse us
for a moment?

[SALEM WHIMPERING]

SALEM:
But I want cake.

It's the other way. Oh.

All right, spill.

Did you have anything to do
with this civil w*r on Pluto?

Define anything.

Well,
I might have made a few phone calls

to some ne'er-do-well friends
who owe me a favour or two.

But I only did it
because I wanted Sabrina back.

You aren't gonna turn me
in to the Witches' Council are you?

Well, something has to be done.

How about I fry you up
a thick salmon filet?

[SIGHS]

All those years of warmongering

and this is the first time
anyone's ever said thank you.

I can't believe you're back.
I missed you so much.

I missed you too,

but you have to let go
or I can't get in my locker.

- Promise you won't go away again?
- I promise.

And promise
you'll change your shirt.

Hey, Brad, look who's back.

Oh, hey, Sabrina.

Hi, Brad, thanks. Paris was great.

I still don't get him.

- Hey, Brad.
- What's up, partner?

You've gotta start being nicer
to Sabrina.

I said, "Hey, Sabrina."

But next time
when you say, "Hey, Sabrina,"

you gotta say it like you mean,
"Hey, Sabrina."

Man, you must really love this girl.

Yeah.

Don't tell coach.

Yep,
this is gonna be the best year ever.

Miss Spellman,
what are you doing back?

[BRITNEY SPEARS'
"(YOU DRIVE ME) CRAZY" PLAYING]

What's the matter?

Haven't you ever seen anybody
get jiggy before?

[STUDENTS LAUGHING]

HARVEY: Now, this was fun even
though we didn't get to see the show.

SABRINA: Well, yeah,
but I almost heard one song.

This has been
the best birthday ever. Heh.

HARVEY:
Hey, look, there she is.

[FANS CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

Wow, Sabrina,
she looked at you like she knew you.

Yeah.

In her dreams.

They sh**t horses, don't they?

[SINGING]
Baby, I'm so into you

You got that something

What can I do

Baby, you spin me around

Oh, the earth is moving
But I can't feel the ground

Every time you look at me

My heart is jumping

It's easy to see

You drive me crazy

I just can't sleep

I'm so excited, I'm in too deep

Oh, crazy, but it feels all right

Baby, thinking of you
Keeps me up all night