04x05 - Spoiled Rotten

[bunniefuu]

This is gonna be
the best community charity drive ever.

Yeah, every business
on Water Street working together

to help the victims devastated
by the hurricane in Honduras.

And all other businesses
are gonna be devastated

by the success of our bake sale.

Yep, that's what charity's all about.
Winning.

Oh, look at my cuticles.

Not that they matter, compared to
the plight of the Hondurans.

SALEM:
An armadillo? A goldfish?

- How about an iguana?
- Things that taste better deep-fried?

No, Salem is badgering me
to let him get a pet.

A pet for Salem?

But he's childish, irresponsible,
scatterbrained...

Mm-hm. By the way,
I found your keys in the front door.

And the notebook you lost
in the dryer.

But I don't want a pet.

Cool, my first credit card.

And no bills. And a lot of catalogues.

I have been specially chosen
for unbridled consumption.

And it makes a really cool noise
when you swipe it.

Sabrina, I have to warn you.

If you get anything
and everything you want,

you'll never learn to appreciate
the things that are important in life.

Exactly, that's why I think
you should use it to get me a pet.

I'll take a llama.

I'm gonna be very responsible
with this card

and a pet is not something you need,
however...

This is a necessity.

I'm not enjoying this.

This new sweater
looks even better on

than it did
in the Other Realm catalogue.

Sabrina, I'm serious
about this credit card.

Be careful.

Witches are very susceptible
to get-itis.

Get-itis, you mean what mortal
children get on Christmas morning?

Exactly, you don't
appreciate anything,

because you keep thinking
each new item

will bring you happiness.

This isn't my first time
at the cauldron, you know.

I got a sweater
because it's sweater weather.

And that doesn't mean
it can't be stylish-sweater weather.

Okay, I hope they give you
frequent-flier miles for rationalisations.

You know, sometimes I think
she has no faith in me.

But I totally appreciate
this new sweater.

And the fact that it comes
in festive fall colours.

And she said
this wouldn't make me happy.

Although I'd be a lot happier
if I had shoes to match.

I look so cute,
but now I need a horse.

Oh, advertisers will do anything
to catch the elusive teen market.

"Can't you hear me crying in the attic?
Salem."

[SALEM CRYING]

- Ah, there it is.
SALEM: Come comfort me.

I'm busy.

Then I guess
I'll just have to dry my tears

on this stack
of brand-new catalogues.

- Give me.
- Made you run.

- Salem, what are you doing up here?
- Playing the pity card.

I want a pet.
I want something to play with.

Something to give me
unconditional love

the way I do for you.

Oh, so you're thinking
of something in the disease family?

Hey, my old jewellery box.

Look, it's the charm bracelet
my grandma gave me.

I was afraid I lost it.

Touching.
And it's going to get me a pet how?

Salem, everything I know about
manipulation I learned from you.

You're sweet. What's your point?

Stop asking Aunt Zelda for a pet.

Move on to Miss Pushover,
Aunt Hilda.

And the student becomes the teacher,
the circle of life is complete.

Be careful, Sabrina.

Don't do that, Sabrina.

Why am I always the one
who has to say no?

You're the mean one?

You're right.
I'll handle the next problem that arises.

- Thank you.
- Look who I found alone in the attic.

ZELDA:
Now that reminds me.

We really have to get up there
and clean out all that useless old junk.

I'm right here.

And, look,
I found my old charm bracelet.

Sabrina, it's beautiful.

And I'm sure
you appreciate it even more

because you didn't just zap it in
with your new credit card.

Can I have a pet?

No.

- Please?
- Oh, okay.

- Hilda.
- Oh, lighten up.

Who cares if Salem gets a pet?

So what if Sabrina zaps in a couple
of things from the Other Realm?

- It's not the end of the world.
- Thank you, Aunt Hilda.

- Wanna ride on my new Vespa?
- You don't have a Vespa.

Do now.

[ENGINE IDLING]

It's still not the end of the world.

So do you think I can do wheelies
on my new Vespa?

SALEM:
Maybe I'll get a wild boar.

I always thought the end of the world
would involve more locusts.

And we'll be holding
our rummage sale

at that cute coffee place
on Water Street.

So if there are no further questions,
let's get it on.

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

And read Chapter .

That's cute.
That's what I need, a day planner.

Ah. Great.
Okay, now all I need is some plans.

Um... Oh, buy more stuff.

Sabrina, I know I don't need to ask,

but would you be my assistant
at the rummage sale?

Sure.

Buy rummage-sale outfit.

Oh, what a lovely charm bracelet.

Oh, isn't it great?
My grandma gave it to me.

Oh, a PalmPilot.

That's much better
than my stupid day planner.

I had a charm bracelet
when I was a little girl.

Every time my father went away
on a business trip,

he brought me a new charm.

Mother used to call it
my little guilt bracelet.

Hey, I've been saving to buy this
for years.

This is a fine example
of what hard work can bring you.

- A gold brick?
- Yes.

You didn't buy that from gypsies,
did you?

I probably would've squandered
my savings

on securities and Internet start-ups.

Well, you will lose that mocking tone
soon enough

when you try to buy a loaf of bread
with paper money

after the world economy collapses
or we're invaded by aliens.

Aliens?

Now you get an idea
of the calibre of conversation

in the teachers' lounge.

- Any luck at the Other Realm pound?
- Define "luck."

Lavender, frosting, toast, ginger.

You let him get a dogman?

What's that?

[DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE]

His name's Sparky.

HILDA:
Still warm.

I'm afraid we've got a full-blown case
of get-itis.

I don't care if it's on back order.

Oh, morning.

Well, there just aren't enough hours
in the day, are there?

Sabrina, you've got a problem.

You're keeping me
from getting more stuff.

Mrs. Quick called.

You were supposed to be
at the rummage sale.

I completely forgot.
I'm supposed to bring stuff to donate.

Wherever will you find something?

Oh, not my stuff. I love my stuff.

You are on the verge
of becoming spoiled rotten.

All right,
quit lobbing the guilt-bombs.

I'll donate some of my stuff
to the Hondurans.

Good girl.
You'll feel a lot better when you do.

Do you remember
how we got through?

Um... Oh, left at the frozen steaks.

Well, I guess I don't need this sled.

Oh, what if it snows next week?

Oh. I can always donate
these ballet slippers,

although I have been intrigued
by the world of dance.

You know, I don't see my aunts
giving away any of their stuff.

They said they wanted someone
to clean out this old junk.

Spoiled? Ha! I'm selfless.

Sabrina, I was getting worried,

but look at all this wonderful stuff
you brought.

An Olympic gold medal?

Are you sure
you wanna donate this?

Oh, that old thing?
Sure, I can always get more.

Maybe some medals
would cheer me up.

And the gold medal
in synchronised swimming

goes to Mrs. Quick.

What's everybody
standing around for?

We've gotta raise more money
than any other store.

We're gonna be number one.

Hey, hey, this isn't a reading room.
Buy it or get out.

Sit.

Come on, Sparky, sit.

I know this.

No. Okay, shake hands.

I got this one.

No, close. How about beg?

Oh, oh!

Okay, so using you as my driver
is not gonna work.

That's it? Two muffins and a scone?

Come on, cr*ck open
the change purse, little missy.

This is for charity.

You know, sometimes
I don't have enough faith in Sabrina.

She turned right around
and gave away her new things.

She's giving up her Saturday
to work on a charity drive.

That girl has a heart of gold.

Well, it does run in the family.

That napkin's not free.

[PEOPLE CLAMOURING]

Sabrina, could I get
a little help over here?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll be right there.

Oh, cool watch.

I have one like that
in my collection of pristine watches

that are still in their original packaging,
but I forgot to buy one to wear. Ha.

I think the cream is spoiled.
Does this smell funny to you?

No, I think it's her.

This box would be perfect
to store my gold brick.

I'll give you cents for it.

- But it's marked $ .
- I'm haggling.

I get it. Nine dollars.

Twenty-five cents
and I don't write you a detention slip.

Sold,

to the man with the vicious scowl.

- Hey, cool lion.
- Hey, thanks.

Hey, listen,
I was just talking to Sabrina.

Yeah, didn't she bring
some great stuff?

I just bought this hat.

Look, I know you think
I don't like her,

so don't take this the wrong way,

but she reeks.

Okay, Sparky,

now that you're calmed down
and you have your leash on,

I'm gonna take you for a walk.

Walk!

[SALEM YELLING]

What do you mean I reek?

HARVEY: So much for being able
to tell each other anything.

Sure, I've noticed a putrid,
rotted, spoiled smell,

but it could only be coming from me
if I was spoiled rotten.

Excuse me.

Hickory, Dickory, Clock.
We've always got time for you.

Hi, it's just me checking in.

So that was a close call
on that get-itis thing, huh?

Well, you did have us worried,
but you turned it around.

For the sake of conversation,
let's say I hadn't?

You'd become spoiled rotten.

- Literally?
- Of course.

- Aunt Hilda.
- She's not here.

Hello?

Are you here to buy something?

I thought that your customers might
get hungry while they're junk shopping.

Don't play innocent with me.

You're trying to help the Hondurans
more than we are.

- What are you gonna do about it?
- Free brownies with every purchase.

No, no, no. Oh, oh.

WOMAN:
Brownies, yummy.

HILDA:
Sabrina?

Oh, Aunt Hilda.

Oh, what is that disgusting smell?

Not me. I think we have
a little sewage problem.

Oh, I had a pair like those.

Oh, who doesn't have
rhinestone-encrusted aardvarks?

Me, that's who.

Well, they can't be mine.

- Mine are magical.
- What?

They turn your hair
a different colour every ten minutes.

Impulse buy.

I wonder where those are.

They're probably up in the attic
with the rest of the magical junk.

Well, I'm gonna go get more brownies.
I have not yet begun to fight.

Okay, don't panic.

So I've sold magical items
to half of Westbridge, and I'm...

Spoiling rotten.

I always thought the end of the world
would involve more locusts.

Sabrina, what are you doing?

I just remembered,
this stuff was stored very close

to our collection of asbestos dust.

Hey.

Thanks.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Sweetness, I asked youse
for percent. This is skim.

- I think we got a problem here.
- Yeah, you.

Are you talking to me?

Because if you are,
bring those lips closer.

Food?

- But I just fed you.
- Food?

[SIGHS]

Oh, I can't take
those sad puppyman eyes.

Take it.

You're an animal.

[DOOR OPENS]

[SNIFFING]

Salem? Emergency. My room, now.

[YELPING]

Oh, come on, it's not that bad.

Salem, make that crisis.
My room, now.

I'm usually opposed
to calling in the feds,

but don't you think
we might wanna alert the aunties?

Admit that I gave away their stuff
without permission?

Do you know nothing
about teen rebellion?

I know what it smells like.

Oh, here it is. "Get-itis.

Sub-paragraph , Spoiled Rotten."

Blah, blah, blah, horrible person.

Blah, blah, blah, slimy ooze.

Oh. "To reverse
the spoiling process,

that which was lost must be regained."
What does that mean?

That the Democrats need
to win back the Congress?

Wait, I get it.

I have to get back all the stuff
I gave away from the attic.

Only someone spoiled would give away
stuff that didn't belong to them.

You were giving away stuff?

Let's see,
Mrs. Quick bought that medal.

That must be why
she's acting so strange.

By all means, blame the medal.

Uh, Brad bought
some stupid bronze lion.

Pfft! How bad could that be?

[LION GROWLING]

[BRAD SOBBING]

Nice kitty.

Uh, Harvey had some hat,

and Mr. Kraft
bought some sort of little box.

Not Zelda's replicating box?

Maybe, but I'm sure
he hasn't figured out how to use it yet.

Wow, you know, this box
could probably replicate anything,

like food or medicine.

No.

I just gotta round up half a dozen
magical objects before I liquefy, easy.

- There's just one more problem.
- What's that?

I hawk up things
that smell better than you.

Any better?

Finally. Do you have any idea
how hard it is

to walk with six pairs of Odor-Eaters
in your shoes?

Are we going out? Are we going out?

No, we're not going out.

I'm going out.

Bad dogman.

I thought it would be a fun way
to keep track of how everyone is doing.

Namely, how badly my rummage sale
is trouncing your flour-covered butts.

If you think
that glorified garage sale is gonna be--

Ladies, ladies, please.

Let's not forget what's important.

Helping the Hondurans.

- Yeah, sure.
- Whatever.

- Hilda.
- Stop, I know what you're gonna say.

"You're being mean-spirited
and aggressive."

Normally, I would let you go on,

but you see that medal
around Mrs. Quick's neck?

I think that's my old
Competitive Spirit medal.

The one Mother used to make me
wear when I played field hockey

because she said
I had no k*ller instinct?

Man, you were such a priss.

That's why
she's being so competitive.

What's your excuse?

Mrs. Quick, what a lovely medal.

- May I see it for a moment?
- Oh, okay.

This really is a charming bake sale.

What do you call these, "also-rans"?

[CHANTING]
We're number one!

We're number one!

Then again, she may be
a competitive nut all on her own.

- Here.
- What on earth are you wearing?

And would you care to explain this?

Glamour don't, and no.

Gotta go.

What? All's I said was,
"Walk that by me one more time."

Harvey.

Hey, looking good.

How's about youse plant a wet one
on your old man?

Ah, give me that hat.

Sabrina, you have car deodorisers
in your ears.

Well, they'd look ridiculous
on my shoes.

Have you seen Brad or Mr. Kraft?

Mr. Kraft said he was gonna
Y K-proof his computer

before the millennium bug
rains anarchy

down on our pitiful world.

I don't know
what happened to Brad.

Well, I'm sure he's fine.

[LION GROWLING]

That's was my last Skittle.
You're not still hungry, are you?

[LION ROARS]
[BRAD SCREAMS]

Please be here.

Mr. Kraft? Mr. Kraft?

- What do you want?
- There's a problem with the box--

There is no problem.
It's absolutely perfect. Thank you.

I really don't have time for this.

Miss Spellman, get out.

These bricks are mine. All mine.

You can't have any of them,
not even one.

I don't want any of your bricks.
I just want my box back.

What kind of idiot
do you think I am?

Talk about your essay questions.

What's happening to your legs?
Look at you.

Oh, no.

Well, look at you.
You're a paranoid mess.

A rich paranoid mess.

Oh, you're so consumed
with making your bricks,

I bet you forgot which one
was special.

- Which one you worked so hard for.
- Sure, I know, it was this one.

No, it was-- No, it--

How many is it gonna take
to make you happy? Huh?

One thousand, , bricks?

A dozen watches,
hundreds of sweaters?

I have three sweaters, tops.

Look at how pathetic we are.

You with your bricks
and me with all my stuff.

And we forgot about the people
of Honduras.

I never met them.

And I have been such a spoiled brat.

I mean, it wasn't things
in the attic I lost,

it was my appreciation
for what's really important:

People.

Hey, I stopped rotting.

What happened?

Wait a minute, who--?
Who are you?

I know.

You're one of those aliens,
aren't you?

Okay.

[IN ALIEN VOICE]
You're too smart for us, Willard.

We couldn't fool you by pretending
to be one of your students.

Well, I am a little sharper
than your average Earthling.

Silence. Give me our box.

Of course, sorry.

Take it.

And donate all your bricks
to the charity drive.

- All of them?
- Don't make me fire up the probe.

No.

Sabrina, where did you
get all of this?

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Oh, it's just junk I had lying around.

Figured I didn't need it anymore.

Ooh, a new DVD player.
I'll give you bucks.

Yes!

We're going to win this time
for sure.

We will drink deep from the cup
of our enemies' annihilation.

[LAUGHS]

How could I lose?

And so I am happy to give this gold
to the needy.

Charity should span all borders,
be they earthly or beyond.

I still think Zelda and I
could have pulled it off,

if something or someone
hadn't eaten all our cookies.

Mrs. Quick, I know how hard
you worked on the drive.

- That's why I wanna give you this.
- Your charm bracelet?

Oh, Sabrina, I couldn't.

You've already given so much
and it means so much to you.

That's why I want you to have it.

I know it'll make you happy.
That means so much more to me.

Oh, thank you, Sabrina.

I hope I don't have to declare this
on my taxes.

You know, Sabrina, in a strange way,
we're actually very proud of you.

For being an obnoxious spoiled brat,

giving away family treasures,
almost rotting into a slimy glob,

and convincing your boyfriend
that he was accosted by aliens?

I said, in a strange way.

Hey, have you seen Brad?
I've been calling him for hours.

Uh, Brad.

- I'd like to return this.
- Hi, Brad.

You know what?
You're our th customer today,

so you get a free T-shirt
and some topical ointment.

But I don't wanna get rid of him.
I love him.

We all do, but he's too much
responsibility for you.

Sparky's gonna love
being with his new family.

I hear they have a huge farm
in the Other Realm and--

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[THUNDER CRASHES]

Someone's here, someone's here,
someone's here.

DOG: We're the Midbys.
We're here for Sparky.

PUPPY: Yeah, we're here for Sparky.
- I'm gonna miss you, boy.

DOG: Son, he's your responsibility.
PUPPY: I'll take care of him.

You think I could have a llama?