04x06 - Episode LXXXI: The Phantom Menace

[bunniefuu]

[THUNDER CRASHING]

How do you like my new litter box?

[LAUGHS]

Halloween.

Is it just a date on the calendar

that people from England
don't know about?

Or is it a state of mind?

Or is it a state of being?

I frankly don't know.

But come along
on our Halloween journey

and maybe by the end,
we'll all know.

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

Is this lining real satin?

Sabrina, could you help me
pick up some stuff this afternoon?

"Water balloons, toilet paper,
dry ice, rotten eggs"?

One more thing, could you
find out where the biology lab

gets those pigs in formaldehyde?

Your mom on another one
of her crazy diets?

Hey, we only have hours
and minutes left

till Halloween night.

We gotta start planning
our pranks and tricks now.

I can't. Dreama and I are gonna go
look for after-school jobs.

We figured the best time to do it
would be after school.

But this could be our last hurrah.

My dad says
that the Westbridge City Council

is gonna make it illegal for kids
over the age of to trick-or-treat.

That's just wrong.

I was gonna march against
sweatshop labour in the Orient,

but now I've got this.

I can't believe how few glamorous,

high-paying, after-school jobs there are
for inexperienced teenagers.

Life is so unfair.

So have you decided if you're an
existentialist, an idealist or a nihilist?

Actually, currently,
I'm an unemployed-ist.

Thought you were
in my philosophy class. Sorry.

Can you believe it? A real,
live college student was talking to you.

College is gonna be so great.

We'll get to take classes
like philosophy

and hang out in places like this
with guys who take philosophy.

- Why don't you get a job here.
- That'd be great.

This place is so cool
and none of the furniture matches.

- Do you know how to make coffee?
- No.

But if my cat can do it when
he's half-asleep, how hard can it be?

Oh, excuse me,
I'd like to speak to the manager.

- You from the Health Department?
- No.

Then I'm the manager.

I'm also the cashier, the table busser
and the bouncer.

Matter of fact,
do you know what they call me?

- What?
- Josh.

Oh, well, excuse me, Mr. Josh.

I'm looking for a job.

You are, huh?
You got any experience?

Experience?
I travel with my own Melitta filters.

So you got no idea
how to make coffee?

- None.
- Could I get a little service?

Oh, I'm sorr-- Oh!

Nice save.

If you can pour
as well as you catch, you're hired.

Fantastic.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.

This is gonna make it hard
to negotiate salary, isn't it?

So was the roller coaster scary?

Scary? They make you sign
an organ-donor form

before letting you on.

We rode upside down,
holding boiling soups and lawn darts.

And still, not scary.

Here it is, the Halloween season

and we can't find one thing
to scare us.

Perhaps we should give that dentist

who works without Novocaine
another try.

In just a few hours, people
will be mistaking me for Juan Valdez.

All right, let me know
what you think and be brutal.

[COUGHS]

- Come on, it can't be that bad.
- You try it.

It's fine. Just a little chewy.

It's been decades since
I've enjoyed the sweet taste of terror.

Your wait has come to an end,
my fright-craving friend.

Suppose the three of us
go to a graveyard,

and I'll read some of the ghost stories
I've written.

The Tales of Salem.

See, the mere prospect
paralyses you with fear.

No, but your sad little suggestion
gave me an idea.

You know who writes stories
that are truly scary?

- Edgar Allan Poe.
- You're right.

Hey, let's make use
of our time-travel clock

and invite him
for a Halloween dinner.

Don't tell me you're scared
by Sissy Pants Poe?

Are you implying that the author
of "The Tell-Tale Heart" isn't scary?

His stories are scary because
I gave him all his best ideas.

If it weren't for old Salem,

you'd be shivering
to "The Tell-Tale Kidney."

Okay, here's the correct way
to bus a table.

First, the trash.

Try to avoid screaming, "Yuck,"
at the top of your lungs.

I once saw my vice principal
in his boxer shorts, not a peep.

Next, the mugs.

All right, I like to pretend
the half-full ones mean good luck.

And then you reach the mother lode.
A whole quarter tip.

You think you can handle that table?

Yeah, just hand me a germ-laden rag
and I'm on it.

Oh, by the way,
I know it's last-minute,

but is there any chance you can work
the night shift on Halloween?

While everyone else is goofing off,

I get to make coffee
and wash dirty cups?

- And clean the spill tray.
- All this and minimum wage?

Where go I get my sh*ts?

Great news, Hildie.
Edgar Allan Poe R.S.V.P.'d.

We're on our way
to being truly scared.

- Ooh. He even wrote it in blood.
- Actually, I think that's red crayon.

Good, there's scary
and there's gross.

Hi, Sabrina,
how's our favourite coffee maker?

The correct term is barista.
I love my job.

College kids are so sophisticated.

They talk about art and literature
and foreign films.

By the way, who's Jack Kerouac,
what's cubism and can I get a futon?

While you're here, give us a hand.

Edgar Allan Poe
is coming for dinner.

We want the house to be
really scary so he'll be comfortable.

I thought the sound of clanking chains
might be nice.

[CHAINS CLANKING]

I was thinking more along the lines
of thunder and lightning.

[THUNDER CRASHING]

- So much for the tool shed.
- Let's get decorating.

It's my turn to hang up the skeleton.

You're dreaming. You always get
to hang up the skeleton.

- Well, then, it's tradition. Give me.
- Don't make me separate you two.

What is it about this holiday
that makes people act immature?

- Well, she started it.
- The pranks and hokey horror stuff.

You know, lucky for me,
I've got plans for Halloween.

I'm gonna be working
at the coffeehouse.

Sabrina, you're a witch.

Witches can't run away
from Halloween.

Watch me.
I'm done will all this kid stuff.

[VOICE MOANING]

Okay, that was ominous.

- Yeah, and it didn't scare me a bit.
- Me either.

You know, I've been thinking
of revising my will

and leaving you
my entire collection of Pez dispensers.

- What do you want?
- A ride to the graveyard tonight?

- Please?
- No can do. I've gotta work.

[VOICE MOANING]

Oh, that's right.
You've got that nice boss.

Real generous guy.

- Thinking of others, giving of himself.
- Your point?

Think he'd give me a ride
to the graveyard?

You know, I'm really surprised
our special pumpkin-flavoured coffee

hasn't been more popular.

Think it has to do with the fact that
it's a hideous shade of orange

and tastes like pumpkin?

BOTH:
Trick or treat.

- None of the above.
- Great costumes, huh?

You wouldn't believe
how hard it was to find ones that fit.

- It's flame-retardant.
- Aren't you old for this?

Not until the city council
passes that law.

Tonight is gonna be a Halloween
for the record books.

We're gonna warm up
by egging Coach Cook's house,

work in a cow tip or two,
and time permitting,

wrap things up by streaking across
old Lady Blankenship's front yard.

I'm glad to see you've added subtlety
to your bag of tricks this year.

Harv, why are we standing here?
We should be out there burning poop.

I know how you love Tootsie Pops,
so I'll save any I get for you.

Wash your hands first.

Cute kids.

I guess that's what happens
when pregnant women smoke.

Well, I've gotta get to the library

and finish my essay
on Shakespeare's comedies.

I've compared,
now I'm ready to contrast.

Wait, you're gonna
leave me here to run things by myself?

That's why
I asked you to work tonight.

I really need someone I can trust.

The last guy I left here
rented it out to bikers.

How can you can trust me?

I've only worked here one day
and I have very shifty eyes.

I'll only be a couple of hours.

I'll be back in time
to help you close up.

But what if someone comes in
and wants to order something?

You give it to them?

I promise you Halloween night here
is so easy.

The place is a morgue.

[VOICE MOANING]

Josh was right. I can handle this.

And he's depending on me.

[VOICE MOANING]

- And that's not scary.
ZELDA: You're a witch, Sabrina.

You can't run away from Halloween.

And that's just the onset of senility.

- May I help you?
- I wanna chop you up in little pieces.

- You want what?
- I want a cup of coffee.

Okay, I'm just letting my imagination
get the best of me.

But if I turn around and he's got an axe,
he loses the benefit of the doubt.

Okay, well would you like to join
our Biscotti of the Month Club?

I don't think I'll be back.

This coffee's so strong,
it could wake the dead.

[VOICE MOANING]

"Wake the dead."
What was that guy talking about?

I mean, this batch was almost liquid.

See? Everything is fine.

So far I've served five or six people
and not a single attempt on my life.

[TRAY CLATTERS]

Aah! Okay, calm down.

It's just the muffin tray.
Muffins are not scary.

They're fat-free.

I'm gonna die!

Hi, Dreama.

- Hilda, I'd like you to meet Mr. Poe.
- It's such a pleasure to meet you.

Thanks for the ride.

That voice, it's so scary.
May I take your cape?

- No garment could be scarier.
- This is the stuff of nightmares.

The only thing scary about that cape

is that he d*ed in it
and never had it cleaned.

Well, if no one wants to listen
to my horror stories,

I'll just go shred
some beloved sweaters.

[CHATTERING]

Apparently an AA meeting just let out.
Mind giving me a hand here?

I've never really made
a cappuccino before.

Well, that's where good old-fashioned
American ingenuity comes in handy.

Okay, and a little magic.

Frothy milk, nice and hot-tay
Whip me up two low-fat lattes

[IMITATES MILK FROTHING]

Okay. There you go.

[ALL GROANING]

There you are.

Listen, Zelda forgot to pick up

the one thing that will make
Edgar Allan Poe feel at home.

An open bar?

- A black cat.
- Forget it.

Fine, then I'll go with
my second choice.

Quoth the raven, "Bite me."

- Finally, we get a moment to relax.
- I know.

You know, I have to admit,

before you got here,
I was feeling sort of...

[THUNDER CRASHING]

Afraid.

There's nothing to be afraid of.
It's just a severe thunderstorm.

On a calm, cloud-free evening.

This has nothing to do with my aunts
trying to warn me

that I couldn't avoid Halloween?

[VOICE MOANING]

- Stop that.
- I thought that was my stomach.

What kind of people go out for coffee
in weather like this?

[ALL GROANING]

The flesh-eating zombie kind.

[BOTH SCREAMING]

Mmm. Oh.

Ladies, that was the best meal
I've had in years.

In the afterlife,
they don't cook with salt.

Can you believe
how much roast beef he ate?

Talk about "The Pig
and the Pendulum." And four desserts.

That'll teach you
to serve rum cake.

Still, we're lucky to have
the scariest writer of all time

as our Halloween guest.

Mr. Poe, would this be a good time
for you to read us a story?

Absolutely.

If you don't mind,
I'd like to read something new.

[SCREAMS]

I'm just practising.

[ZOMBIES GROANING]

I don't think that lock was built

to withstand an onslaught
from the undead.

- What are we gonna do?
- I don't know.

Wait a minute, we're witches.

I don't feel like visiting
With corpses today

Please make those zombies
Go away

Uh-oh. We have to get rid of them
the old-fashioned way.

- What's that?
- Help, help, help!

[THUNDER RUMBLING
AND CHAINS CLANKING]

Would you mind
turning down your thunder?

If you turn down
your clanking chains.

[RUMBLING
AND CLANKING STOP]

Very well.
A poem by Edgar Allan Po--

[PHONE RINGING]

What is that ringing?

A telephone.

That's how we communicate
these days.

Haven't you people
ever heard of e-mail?

Salem, get the phone.
Go ahead, curdle our blood.

[COUGHS AND SPITS]

[PHONE RINGING]

"Salem, we're too busy
being scared out of our wits

to answer the phone." Hello?

Salem, exactly what did
my aunts mean

when they said
that I couldn't avoid Halloween?

- I'm fine, how are you?
- Salem.

If you run away from Halloween,
Halloween will find you.

And it won't be happy.

Ugh! And once
Halloween has found you,

how do you get it to un-find you?

That'll require research.

Do it, and hurry.

Right, like I got nothing better to do
than save your anti-Halloween butt.

[ZOMBIES GROANING]

Of all the ways to go,
death by zombie?

I can't bear to look.

What are they doing?
Are they clawing at our flesh?

Actually, they're having a party.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

[SCREAMS]

[SCREAMS]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[ZOMBIES GROANING]

I am so fired.
Josh is gonna be back any second

and I'm pretty sure zombies
are messier than bikers.

[PHONE RINGING]

Excuse me. Ugh!

Sorry.

Eck! Just because
their bodies are rotting

doesn't mean they can't shower
once in awhile.

- Hello?
SALEM: Here's the deal.

To get out of your predicament,

you have to experience the fun
of Halloween.

Fun? I'm up to my arms in arms.

If I may suggest some fun,

think of a trip to the graveyard
to listen to Salem's horror stories.

[DIAL TONE]

Hello?

[ZOMBIES GROANING]

What fresh hell is this?

You don't understand.

My boss trusted me
to keep an eye on this place

and if he comes back
and it's not-- Ow!

This happens when you try to reason
with someone who's decaying.

ZOMBIE:
Toilet paper.

Oh, great, just what I need.
More Halloween fun.

- Wait, that is what I need.
HARVEY: Brad, give me another roll.

DREAMA:
It's Harvey and Brad.

Harvey, quit tp'ing
the Christian Science Reading Room

and get over here.

Interesting clientele.

What's that smell?

This is our last year
we can trick-or-treat.

So let's make it count.

Gee, Sabrina, we thought
you were too mature for Halloween.

- Stop talking and start tp'ing.
BRAD: Okay.

- They're leaving.
- Woo-hoo! We broke the spell.

Oh, wait, who forgot their foot?

What did I tell you
about Sabrina's pranks?

Her family takes Halloween
very seriously.

And you keep telling me
they're not weird.

Harvey, you were right.

Why not just loosen up
and enjoy Halloween?

As long as little kids
aren't making fun of us to our faces.

You're the best.

"I love you enough to let you walk.
But I love you too much to let you run.

But you don't want to walk.
You want to run.

Let's skip.

- Part ."
- Excuse me, Mr. Poe?

I don't mean to interrupt,

but we thought that you were going
to read us something less dull.

She means something scary.

Horror?
I haven't done that tripe in years.

There's a much bigger market
in inspirational writing.

Is that what this is?

Hilda, he's our guest.
We have to be polite.

"Rainbows and sparkles,
kittens in a box."

He's going down.

See you guys later.
And don't let all the crickets loose

in Mr. Kraft's house till I get there.

Okay, a quick clean-up
and I'm home free.

So I don't get fired
And take a lot of flack

- Help me clean up before my boss--
JOSH: Sabrina?

Oh. Josh, hi.

What happened to this place?
Look at all this toilet paper.

You wouldn't believe how many kids

came dressed as Mr. Whipple
this year.

I'm sorry.

I know it's easy to get behind
on your bussing

- when you're the only one here, but...
- Am I fired?

I mean, I know I have to clean up
and all, but after that, am I fired?

Well, it is Halloween.
People should have fun.

And we are insured.

Hey, what's that?

I don't see any--

[SCREAMS]

Wow, I guess this was worth . .
Are you okay?

As soon as my heart
starts b*ating again, I'll be swell.

Well, I heard you like them,
so I brought you a Tootsie Pop.

Thanks.

So really, I'm not fired?

"Though she screamed
as loud as she could,

not a sound could be heard,

for the water slowly
but inexorably rose over her face."

Poor Salem, he was so determined

to read his stores
whether anyone listened or not.

"Until at last, she was no more."

The end.

See, I told you they were scary.

My first mortal Halloween.
I had such a great time.

- Yeah, it was fun.
- Your boss, Josh, he's great.

There's one thing
that bothers me about him.

- What?
- I have a huge crush on him.

[THUNDER CRASHING]

So, what is it we learned
in this week's episode?

That, try as you may,
you cannot run away from Halloween.

That you never really know

what lurks beneath
your neighbourhood sewer grate.

And that those zombies
were really scary.

[GASPS]

Oh, right, my coffee.

Hey, where's my biscotti?