04x10 - Ice Station Sabrina

[bunniefuu]

Good morning to all creatures,
great and small.

You're in a frothy mood.

Yeah, well, Harvey promised me
a romantic surprise for this weekend.

- Ooh.
- Another heart-shaped corn dog?

- Hey, that was good.
- When he says romantic,

does he mean Brad-free?

Yep, just me,
my guy and no witch-hunter.

And if dinner comes on a stick,
it's fine with me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Enough chick talk.

Sabrina, as man of the house,

I must insist
you let me spend the weekend

watching rooting-tooting Westerns
on your TV.

Salem, your approach
is as pathetic as it is appalling,

but here's how good a mood I'm in.

Dee-- Gah?

[TV PLAYING]

Yes. Cowpokes. Cattle.

Manly men in mortal combat
with even manlier men.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, these pillows are cuddly soft.

[SNICKERING]

Ready for your romantic surprise?

- Reassure me it doesn't involve Brad.
- Only indirectly.

You promised
it was just gonna be us this weekend.

- Brad's lending me his skis.
- But you--

Skis?

As in, we're going skiing?

One of my dad's
extermination customers

owns a mountain cabin.

He's giving it to us for the weekend.

I never knew pest control
could lead to such romance.

Mm. Powdery slopes, warm firesides,
whispering pines.

- And, of course, my mom and dad.
- Of course.

We can drive up together tomorrow
after school, just the two of us.

My folks are going up tonight
so my dad can k*ll the roaches.

So we don't have to drive in the back
of the station waggon with the smell?

This is by far the most romantic idea
you've ever had.

Thank you.

Hot coffee.

- What happened?
- Wow, lively floorboard.

Did you see that?

No, no, no. Sabrina.

She did something.

She's all the way across the room.

Of all the coffee houses
in all the towns in all the world,

that witch-hunter
has to walk into mine.

You don't have to loiter nervously
in the hallway

making small talk with my aunts,
because I am entirely ready.

Great.

There was one tiny problem,
but it's already solved.

BRAD: Hey.
- Brad?

He's gonna drive us up
to the mountains,

turn around
and drive all the way back.

- Is that a friend or what?
- I'll go get your stuff.

It's better than not going, right?

I got a date with Susan McCormick
tonight and her curfew is : .

So if we leave right now,

I can get back in time
for a good solid -minute date.

You know what,
I'm not as ready as I thought I was.

I'll be right back.

Ten-minute date.

I'm gonna be in the car with Brad
for two hours.

- What if I use my magic?
- What if you don't?

But what if I point without thinking,
like I did at the coffee house?

All Brad has to do is look at me
and say, "You're a witch."

And I could turn into a mouse
for a hundred years.

SABRINA: Aunt Zelda, Aunt Hilda,
I think I'm lost.

[EAGLE SQUAWKING,
SABRINA SCREAMS]

- Don't panic.
- Oh, I'm way past panic

and looking for a parking space
near terror.

Since Brad's witch-hunter gene
is affected by atmospheric conditions,

I suggest we consult
The Witch Weather Channel.

[g*nshots, HORSES NEIGH
OVER TV]

SALEM:
Hey.

Let's see.

Factoring in high and low
pressure systems,

the magnetic influence
of the asteroid belt

and the pollen count,
unless things shift drastically,

Brad's witch-hunting gene
won't be active for the next hours.

And it looks like a good weekend
to plant bulbs.

We interrupt this pabulum

to return to the Howard Hawks classic,
Rio Bravo.

I'm sure it's safe for you
to ride with Brad,

and even safe to use your magic.

Just be careful.

But as an extra safety precaution,
take Salem with you.

SALEM AND SABRINA:
Salem?

Oh, throw the witch-hunter off
with a talking cat?

It's hard to believe,

but Salem was an experienced witch
for many years.

And as a cat, he's particularly sensitive
to subtle changes in the atmosphere.

And we get rid of him
for the whole weekend.

But I haven't seen
Angie Dickinson yet.

- You're bringing your cat?
- Uh...

Yeah, allergies.
He needs mountain air.

His poor lungs,
clogged with pollution.

Date with Susan McCormick.
Let's move it.

Wear your seat belts.

Observe all posted traffic signs.

And watch for ice,
and don't pass on mountain roads.

Have fun?

Well, that's implied.

ZELDA:
You know, Hilda,

Brad's witch-hunting gene
has set me thinking.

What if Jupiter, Saturn and Neptune

were all to align within the ninth parallel
of the seventh quadrant,

and we lose all our powers?

That happens once a millennium.

Yes, but what if it happened
and then there was a flood?

We have no idea how to survive
a natural disaster without magic.

I can't even make an English muffin
without magic.

Precisely.

Which is why
I think we should prepare now

before a disaster occurs.

It's like the story of the ant
and the grasshopper.

- Oh, I don't know that story.
- Of course you know that story.

There was this hard-working ant
and this lazy, lazy grasshopper,

and winter was coming.

I lied and I left
and it still didn't stop her.

Nobody's saying anything.

Guys just don't say much
when they ride in cars together.

- Why?
- Are you gonna talk the whole way?

It's better than not going.

- Radio's busted.
- Oh, maybe I can fix it.

Unless there's some change
in atmospheric conditions

that would make it unsafe
to fix the radio.

Here goes nothing.

[MUSIC PLAYS OVER RADIO]

Nice. How'd you do that?

I'm sorry. I don't talk in cars.

Now that you got that working,
I can listen to my favourite show.

- Sox Talk.
- And nothing but.

RADIO ANNOUNCER:
--another great Red Sox season.

[DOOR CLOSES]

I've grown accustomed to the couch,
but this might be interesting.

I'm practising,

in case we're ever caught somewhere
without our magic,

and we have to construct
our own shelter.

- Where'd you get the tent?
- I zapped it in.

The stores were closed.

But we're going to pitch it ourselves.

No, you're going to pitch it.

I'm going to the kitchen
to make a cup of tea

and wait from you to recover
from your episode.

I can see my breath.
Can you turn on the heat?

Heater's busted.

Maybe Sabrina can fix it.

She fixed your radio.

[SALEM SNORING]

[SALEM GASPS THEN MEOWS]

- Hey, what are those sparks?
- Static electricity?

- No way, it came out of your finger.
- Hey, Brad, look out.

[ALL SCREAM]

[RADIO ANNOUNCER
TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

Is everybody okay?

I didn't hear a voice say,
"Go into the light, Sabrina,"

so I guess I'm fine.

[ENGINE FAILS TO START]

Let's go see what's wrong.

Did you see that?
You did something with your finger.

Oh, so now I can't pick my nose
or talk?

What happened?

According to my bum knee,
there was an atmospheric shift.

The witch-hunter gene is active.

- You never should have tried magic.
- But you were supposed to warn me.

I was supposed to be in the middle
of Stagecoach right now.

Hey, who are you arguing with?

Uh... The radio.

I think the Red Sox
will win the pennant.

- You didn't even try to help me.
- I'm leaving that to your therapist.

Oh, come on.

You'll love what I've done
with the place.

Oh, well, this is kind of cosy.

I wonder what it's like
with the door closed all the way.

A body bag.

If you don't like my life-saving tent,
you can leave.

The zipper's stuck.

- You can't do anything for yourself.
- Oh, I'll just zap it open.

No, we can figure it out.

Oh, I see, the scientific approach.

[OWL HOOTING]

[SALEM SOBBING]

Is that cat crying?

No, that's its meow.

I got it at a really cheap pet store.

Zap in a magic compass
or a helicopter or at least warm socks.

I can't do magic.
I could be turned into a mouse.

Then we're going to die.

Hey, look. A fire tower.

There's gotta be a forest ranger
up there, or at least a phone.

This looks kind of old.

Well, if you big, strong men
are scared, I'll just go up by myself.

[METALLIC CLINKING]

- I'm not scared.
- Me either.

[ANIMALS HOWLING]

[RATTLING]

Great. It's abandoned.

Not necessarily. Maybe the ranger
is just a terrible housekeeper.

Uh... I have to go down.
I forgot something.

- What?
- I forgot I'm afraid of heights.

[SCREAMS, LADDER CLATTERS]

[GRUNTING]

Okay, okay, we're trapped
and we're way off the ground.

Hang in there, man.

Maybe this wasn't such a good idea
after all.

[SALEM SOBBING]

What was that?

[SOBBING]
Me.

But I'll pull myself together.

[GRUNTS]

I know, let's go to the kitchen
and get a Kn*fe and cut ourselves out.

HILDA:
I'll wait here.

No-oh! Ow! Ow! Ow!

[DOORBELL RINGING]

No-oh!

Ugh!

ZELDA:
Oh, just zap it.

ZELDA: Oh.
- See, you needed magic, didn't you?

Oh, pipe down.

Not you.
Depending, of course, on who you are.

Perhaps you need to pipe down.
Ha-ha-ha. Ha!

- Look, who are you?
- Frank Alcerro, Brad's father.

I've called five times,
but there was no answer.

What's with the tent?

We were practising
our survival techniques.

We had no idea what a hostile
environment our living room could be.

Try the Mekong Delta.

I've heard about this house.

People say
a lot of weird things go on here.

I think what you heard
is weird people say things go on here.

What can we do for you,
Mr. Alcerro?

We got a call from the Kinkles.
The kids are late getting to the cabin.

- Oh, dear.
- I'm sure it's fine.

We called the sheriff.

No deaths reported.

- Hooray.
- He's gonna keep an eye out.

Don't think you need to worry.
Got coffee?

Sure.

- Black?
- And real.

I don't go for that wimpy decaf stuff.

Same here.

The hard stuff for me,
out of a dirty mug.

Excuse us.

I'll just zap myself to Sabrina
and make sure she's okay. Ow!

Hilda, that is Brad's father out there.

Brad is a witch-hunter.

That means his father
probably has the witch-hunting gene.

He's already suspicious of us.

Perhaps because we're camping
next to our piano.

The weather must have changed.

We can't risk doing magic, or...

HILDA: Maybe you're right about him.
ZELDA: You think?

[SQUAWKING,
ZELDA AND HILDA SCREAM]

What are we supposed to do?

Just stand around
and worry like ordinary mortals?

That blows.

ALL: Help!
- Help!

It's no use.

There's no one around.

And it's getting colder.

We should have stayed in the truck.

At least it's got a heater and a radio.

Thanks to me.

How long did those soccer players
have to stay in the Andes

before they started
eating each other?

SALEM:
No heat, no blankets.

We'll freeze to death.

Why didn't I eat more NutRageous
bars when I had the chance?

[SALEM SOBS THEN BLOWS NOSE]

Bloody nose.
Must be the high altitude.

Hey, look.
Maybe we can call for help on this.

[SWITCH CLICKING]

Great, it's busted.

Hey, maybe Sabrina can fix it.

She fixed the radio in your car.

Come on, you're our only hope.

Great.

I get to disappoint everyone,
then die.

Please help yourself to our phone.

I just talked to Kinkle again.

No sign of the kids.

I think I'll drive up there.

I don't like to sit around
and wait for trouble to happen.

What a refreshing attitude.

Besides, this old dump
gives me the creeps.

It seems to attract them.

Mr. Alcerro, please wait.

Let him go, and when he's gone,
we'll zap ourselves to Sabrina.

But what if we materialise
right next to Brad?

He'd identify us as witches
and we'd all be turned into mice.

Bad plan.

Sabrina is all alone up there
with a witch-hunter

and another one is on the way.

We've gotta go up there to protect her.
Mr. Alcerro, we're going with you.

- Bring some gas money.
- I'll stay here and fold up the tent.

Oh. Well, I thought you two
wanted to be alone together.

Try sparking
those two wires together.

The whole thing would be on fire.

And we'd be warm.

Hey, any luck?

Brad thinks
one of his toes feels frostbitten.

I suppose that's my fault too?

I'm not interested
in whose fault this is.

If you wanna get technical,
it was your idea to climb up.

It wasn't my idea to go skiing,

and it wasn't my car
that wouldn't start.

Again, I'm not interested
in blaming anyone.

My paw has turned black.

Your paw's always black.

- Daar!
- I can't get this stupid thing to work.

[RADIO POWERING UP]

It's working. Huh.

And they say
v*olence never solves anything.

Relax, ladies.
I'm ready for anything in this baby.

Well, that's good to hear.

You know, I've been trying
to impress upon my sister

the importance of being prepared
for disaster.

I've got enough food
to last four months in this rig.

Oh, great, so if we get hit
by an asteroid right now,

we'd die with enough powdered milk
to last until April.

- Hello, is anybody there?
BOY [OVER RADIO]: Hello?

- Hey, we got someone.
- See?

She's not gonna get us k*lled.

We're stuck
in an abandoned fire tower

and we need to talk to your mother
or your father,

depending on your family situation.

I'm not supposed to play
with this radio.

- If I do, my dad yells.
- But this is an emergency.

We're stuck, we're freezing
and we can't get down.

You're yelling at me. Over and out.

Don't yell at me.

Why are we stopping?

Did we get a flat in our giant tyres?

No. I have to put the chains on.

Can you leave the heater on,
while you go out there?

Yeah, I got a cracked vertebrae.

Either you two put them on,
or we turn back.

Oh, good.

Since we can't use our magic,

this will be
an excellent learning experience.

Just so you know,

I'm not getting you anything
for your birthday.

[WIND HOWLING]

My lungs
have never been cold before.

- I think we should share the cat.
SALEM: No.

No, he has issues with men.

You know,
you could be a little nicer to Brad.

After all,
it's not his fault we're up here.

I wish I had never agreed
to this stupid trip.

I wish I never asked you
on this stupid trip.

You know, this is definitely not better
than not going.

[CREAKING, ALL SCREAM]

We're going down.

[GRUNTING]

We did it.

I feel such a sense
of accomplishment.

We're empowered now, Hilda.

We'll never be stuck
in the snow again. Ha-ha.

Okay, fire her up.

Aah!

And nothing for Christmas.

- Don't move.
- I'm sorry we had a fight.

I am too.

If I have to fall to an untimely death
in the middle of nowhere,

I'd rather do it with you
than anyone else.

Except maybe a paramedic.

- Salem, freeze.
- Wow, that's a well-trained cat.

You've made it clear
that you don't wanna stop,

but do you think that we could use
one of your rolls of toilet paper

to dry off with?

Nope, don't wanna break the seal.

Aah!

You catch more flies with honey
than with vinegar.

Do you have a rag we could use?

Sure.

Thank you so very much.

Imagine the flies you can catch
with that rag.

[CREAKING]

Hold on.

What am I gonna do?
I can't cast a spell.

I'll be turned into a mouse
for a hundred years.

This is it. We're going over.

That's it, I gotta save you guys.
I don't care what happens to me.

I promise,
while you're a mouse, I won't eat you.

[ALL SCREAMING]

[HARVEY SCREAMS]

[BRAD AND SABRINA GRUNT]

- Is everyone okay?
- Fine.

Wow, the snow
must have broken our fall.

But we fell feet.
How can we all be fine?

- Clean living.
- No, no, no.

This is all too weird.

First, you fixed my radio
without even using any tools.

When she fixed my heater,

I swear
I saw sparks fly out of her finger.

Oh, and you'll be hearing
from my lawyer.

And I swear
that darn cat of hers was talking.

And then the whole tower
blows over

and we come out of it
without a scratch?

It was kind of like a miracle.

Well, then we should all
bow our heads and give thanks.

It wasn't a miracle.

It was like magic.

Like Sabrina has some sort
of magical powers.

[SCOFFS]

Talk about overreacting to your brush
with death, huh?

So you're not Sabrina's mother,
you're her aunt, huh?

- That's right.
- I know how that can be.

I'm Brad's stepfather.

But I raised him from a baby.

- Stepfather?
- You're not Brad's biological father?

That's wonderful.

Hey, I am capable
of being a biological father.

Oh, of course.

So he doesn't have
the witch-hunter gene.

So we can use magic
to save Sabrina.

I know what you are.

Sabrina Spellman, you are a--

What's that light?

It's the moon.
I guess the weather's clearing up.

[VEHICLE APPROACHING]

What was I about to say?

- Look, headlights.
- Somebody's here. We're saved.

[HORN HONKING]

It's your dad and Sabrina's aunts.

Wait, it's like the moonlight wiped out
my memory.

What was I about to say?
I can't remember.

Yeah, I know the feeling.
But don't worry.

You'll get over it. I always do.

- Hey, over here.
- That was close.

You know, you save a guy's life
and he turns on you.

I'm glad we screwed up his date.

So you changed the weather

and that turned off
the witch-hunter gene?

Yes, we used our magic
to save you.

But we were able to help

because we took the precaution
of coming up here.

- But we used our magic.
- But we prepared for disaster.

Can I say something?
Thank you for rescuing me.

Oh, you're welcome, sweetheart.

We'd do anything for you, Sabrina.
You know that.

May I say something?

I want my Westerns.

Oh, yes.

MAN [OVER TV]: That concludes
our Western marathon.

Please stay tuned
for classic romance.

[SOBS]

First up,
The Other Side of the Mountain.

Ooh. Marilyn Hassett alert.

I know you and Brad
don't get along too well,

but you have to admit,
it was pretty cool of him to drive home

with his dad and your aunts
and let us have his truck.

And now we can have the romantic
weekend we were hoping for.

With my mom and dad.

Hey, it's better than not going.

Now, if I could just find the turnoff
for the cabin on this dark road.

Oh, hey, look.
Brad has a satellite navigation system.

We take the next left.

Wow, I cannot believe
he forgot he had that.

Yeah, well, you know,
Harvey, I have to tell you the truth:

Brad is weird.