04x13 - Now You See Her, Now You Don't

[bunniefuu]

Oh! Good, you're here.

I know things
have been a slow lately,

but I have made a decision
that is going to change our business

in a profound way.

You're getting out of clocks
and into something that makes sense.

I got it. Designer cat food.

No, and fat chance, tubby.

I have something in the storeroom

that is going to have a line
of customers snaking around the block.

Ta-da.

Well, I'm sure I speak for everyone
when I say, "Creepy."

Well,

they'll certainly be a nice deduction
come tax time.

All right,
I'll give you one more chance.

Salem, what do you think?

Let me be delicate.

Those clocks are awful.

Is that so?

I mean, awful good.

SALEM: Look over there.
No, over there. No, over there. Oh-ho.

Change me back
or take me to Wimbledon.

So are you buying a dress
for the Snowflake Ball?

No, I've got plenty that are fine
for loitering around the punch bowl.

That's all Harvey and I
do at those things.

MAN [OVER P.A.]:
Attention, please.

The finalists for the king and queen
of the Snowflake Ball are:

Gracie Charters and Dan Kael,

Jean Huang and Hans Tercek,

and Sabrina Spellman
and Harvey Kinkle.

You know,
I've won lots of academic prizes,

but never anything as meaningless
as a popularity contest.

Think Harvey and I have a sh*t?

Well, they say
the cutest couple always wins.

But those girls are really cute.

You and Harvey are cute too.

Right, we'll just be ourselves
and let the chips fall where they may.

And I'll just take the high road.

But while I'm taking it,
I may as well do it in a k*ller new dress.

Zelda, I've got bad news.

Uh-oh. Is Salem running five minutes
fast again?

No, I just found out that one of those
gigantic Everything Emporium stores

is going to open outside of town.

Oh, one of those
great discount places?

They have a huge selection of clothing
and appliances and clocks.

And I really love this place.

I was hoping to struggle
for a few years

and then file for chapter .

Then don't overreact.

It's probably just a rumour.

Do you wanna start boarding up
the windows or should I?

Josh,
think I'd look good in this dress?

You can't see the outline of my liver,
though.

Why do women do this
to themselves?

Sabrina,
you're smart, you're beautiful.

What does this girl have
that you don't?

You mean, besides millions of dollars
and an abusive rock star boyfriend?

That's what's wrong
with our society.

See, we emphasise beauty
to such a degree,

it's downright unhealthy.

Hey, look, a pill to stop hair loss.

Hey, Salem, wanna see the dress

that's gonna get me elected
queen of the Snowflake Ball?

Put it on. But I should warn you,
I can be catty.

It's the only one they had.
Isn't it perfect?

Except for the fact
that it's one size too small.

I see, in your world,
"perfect" means "doesn't fit."

And since it's
an Other Realm original,

- it can't be altered.
- Really?

Now I know why the Other Realm trails
behind Paris as the fashion capital.

Okay, well, if I can't alter the dress,
I'll alter myself. I'll diet.

I've never done it.
But how hard can it be?

Yeah.
The fact that weight loss products

comprise a billion-dollar industry
is probably just a funny coincidence.

Good morning.
How would you like your eggs?

Oh, as far away from me
as possible.

I'm on a diet
so I can fit in my new dress

and be elected
queen of the Snowflake Ball.

Oh, and if you can go down
two dress sizes,

you can get
into an Ivy League school.

- You're fine just the way you are.
- Fine?

Harvey and I are competing
with two other really cute couples.

Fine is gonna come in third.

At least let me give you
one of these whole grain muffins.

Oh, come on, think of chewing
as an aerobic exercise.

Ugh. Just holding this muffin
is making me feel bloated.

SALEM:
Huh? Mm...

One man's trash, baby.

One, two, three, four.

Their prices are low,
but their morals are lower.

Well, once again,
you're overreacting.

Overreacting gets results.

I am simply exercising my right
to free speech.

Uh-huh. And the rotten fruit?

Visual aids.

Hilda,
I've made an appointment for you

with the president
of the Everything Emporium

to sit down and discuss the matter,
if you'd like to try the mature approach.

Fine.

I just hope I can return
that cow manure.

SABRINA: What are the odds the
cafeteria would have cheeseburgers

and chocolate sundaes
on the same day?

I know, it's like winning the lottery.

Did you misplace your entrée?

No, I'm trying to lose weight
so I can fit in my new dress.

The dress that's gonna make us a lock
for king and queen.

- Good, so we're both doing our part.
- What's yours, eating like Henry VIII?

Don't pretend like you haven't noticed
my moustache.

Oh, I see it.

No, that's just a shadow.

[STOMACH GROWLING]

Does anyone else hear
that strange buzzing sound?

Yes,
like the low hum of an incoming B- .

Are we at w*r?

[STOMACH GROWLING]

Oh, I think it's that darn sophomore
with the deviated septum.

He must have closed
his mouth again.

Sabrina, could you come up here?

I think I might have an antacid.

What flavour? Can I have two?

I always carry the essentials.

Let's see.

No, that one's for leprosy.

So thanks for taking time out of
your busy schedule to meet with me.

Hand me that towel, will you?

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

What?

- Fire him.
- Your son?

He's not a closer.

Anyway, I hoped if I could tell you
what a wonderful place my shop is,

you would find it in your heart
to spare it.

Ha-ha-ha. That's a good one. Ha.

Spare it.

Who sent you in here, huh? Artie?

You're serious, aren't you?

You really think
there's anything you could tell me

to keep me
from squashing you like a bug?

We put a lot of effort
into our selection of timepieces.

Oh, well, in that case,
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna count all the way to three
before I call security.

Before I go,
could I just make one little point?

Oh, look who's been downsized.

This stinks.

I've been dieting for half a day
and I haven't even lost a pound.

I have found that the key
to losing weight

is eating the right foods.

Who are you channelling?
I saw you put sugar on bacon.

Lean bacon.

There's gotta be something here
that will help me fit in my dress.

Hey, look at this ad.

"Thanks to Blubber-B-Gone,
I lost pounds in three days."

That's ridiculous.

- What'd he do? Lop off a leg.
- Here goes.

Thin my thighs, lose my roll,
Make me skinnier than Manute Bol

Whoa,
I see you called me in the nick of time.

I did?

Losing weight the Blubber-B-Gone way
is easy.

Whenever you're hungry,
instead of eating food,

just mix yourself a shake.

Taste.

Not bad,
although I still prefer ipecac.

SALEM: Excuse me,
but I think we've met before.

Weren't you selling that "Turn Your Eye
Gunk Into Gold" kit a few years ago?

No,
that must have been my brother.

Happy dieting.

This is great, I'm gonna lose weight,

I'm gonna look fantastic
in my new special dress,

and I'll be elected queen of the ball.

Right, and one of these days
my pink eye is gonna pay off big.

Oh, no, woman's pump at : .

Oh. So how does it feel
being the little guy?

What's that? Earthquake?

Mm, mm, mm!

Blech.

And now, for the moment of truth.

It fits. The shakes worked.

Hi there, I thought you might like to try
our new flavours.

Gaunt Grape
and Lean, Mean Nectarine.

Thanks,
but I lost all the weight I had to.

I don't need any more shakes.

You really think so?

You guys must work on commission,
as you can plainly see I--

Look awful.

I'll take two cases.

Quick, before firemen have to come
and cut me out of my bedroom.

By the way,
how did your meeting go

with the president
of Everything Emporium?

Not bad.
At first, it wasn't going well,

but then he had a metamorphosis.

Either you're up to something or--

No, that's it, you're up to something.

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

Mm. Sabrina,
you've got to try these croissants.

Just like grandma used to make.

Well, not my grandma,

but someone's
who knew how to bake.

No, thanks, I had a raisin earlier
and, boy, am I stuffed.

You're looking awfully skinny.
You're not still on that diet, are you?

Me? No, I'm fine.

- Hey, do I see a little scalp up there?
- Ahh.

[GASPS]

ZELDA:
Don't tell me.

I've inherited the Spellman gene
for a keister the size of Manhattan.

Oh. I knew it.
It was just some sort of spell.

And yet the insecurity about my butt
won't go away.

I think
it's time to bring back suspenders.

Sabrina, we have to talk.

Well, I only have a little while
before Harvey picks me up,

and your stern lectures
tend to eat up the clock.

Not only are these things a scam,

- but they cause serious side effects.
- But I have to lose weight.

Like making you think
you have to lose weight.

Come here, look in the mirror.

No, not the mirror.

- It's so cruel and unforgiving.
- Not anymore.

That creepy salesman put a spell on it,
but I deactivated it, see?

What are you talking about?

It's like looking at a picture
of William Howard Taft.

Oh, no.

All this dieting
has affected you psychologically.

You can't see you're so thin,
you're practically sick.

What good is my health
if I'm not queen?

No more shakes.

Fine, force me to live
with this obscene obesity.

You know, Aunt Zelda's so unfair.

I know it seems unfair now,

but someday,
when you're older and wiser,

you'll be able to look back on all this
and get revenge.

Hey, one more shake wouldn't hurt.

And it would be wrong to waste
perfectly good guar gum.

Hilda,
here's an interesting news item.

"Everything Emporium president
missing."

Oh, look,
Larry King likes the new Ludlum novel.

Did you have anything
to do with this?

No,
Robert Ludlum has his own publicist.

Oh, you mean
the Everything Emporium president.

Yes, he was bugging me,
so I turned him into one.

- Ginger beer?
- A bug?

Hilda, you've got
to change him back.

He is in a perfectly
humane situation.

Now that I gave him air holes.

SABRINA: I wonder if that last
milkshake made any difference?

I certainly feel lighter.

Salem, help. I've disappeared.

SALEM:
I'm so sorry.

Hey, twirl me around
so it looks like I'm flying.

SABRINA:
What's happened? Where am I?

You've dieted
until you've disappeared.

Now, I'm starting to wonder
if you can be too rich.

There has to be a potion
in here somewhere.

You need an Other Realm camera.

Everyone knows
those cameras add a hundred pounds.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

SABRINA: That's Harvey.
Order me a camera. Now.

HARVEY:
Come on, Sabrina.

We're not gonna be able
to vote for ourselves if we're late.

[FOOTSTEPS]

A self-opening door?

Cool.

Not very safe, but cool.

[RUNNING FOOTSTEPS]

SABRINA:
Has the camera arrived yet?

- Yes.
SABRINA: Finally.

Hurry up and take my picture.

Could we take another one?
I think your eyes were closed.

Sabrina,
I'm down here when you're ready.

- And sorry to anyone I woke up.
SABRINA: I'll be right there.

Okay, everything is gonna be fine.
Uh-oh.

You think that happened because
we didn't use name brand film?

Look, it says the camera only
brings you back for a few minutes.

So much
for "take a picture, it'll last longer."

And you'll start to flicker
whenever you're about to disappear.

- Like that.
SABRINA: Quick, take another picture.

Okay, this time
I'm gonna get a little more creative.

- You got a wind machine handy?
- Just sh**t me.

Oh, oh.

Great,
I'm gonna have to take the camera

and keep having my picture taken.

But don't let anyone else
in the picture.

If people aren't flickering out,
they'll gain a hundred pounds.

And to think, I used to complain
when I got a run in my stocking.

I keep him in a little glass jar,
which I refer to as Oz.

- Uh-oh. Jailbreak.
- You lost him?

Oh, perfect.

Thanks to your overreacting,

I get to spend my Friday night
looking for a cockroach with my sister.

Come on,
this is the stuff that keeps us young.

Oh, I think I see a dropping.

- You look terrific.
- Do you think so?

This is more a standing-up dress
than sitting-down dress.

Thought we'd be standing. Too bad
your car doesn't have a sunroof.

You look terrific.

So, what's up with the camera?

Oh, you know, I wanted to preserve
the memories of our big night.

Did you drop your left cufflink?

What was that?

Northern lights?

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

Sabrina, that dress is fantastic.

Really? You don't think
it makes me look hippy?

My eyes are acting weird.

Oh, I saw something about that
on / .

The best thing
is to keep them closed.

- Hey, would you take my picture?
- Sure.

- Smile.
- Oh, no, Harvey.

Sorry.
Your eyes always come out red.

Oh. Got him.

No, that's a real roach.

[SQUEALS]

[SIGHS]

Wait a minute.
I know exactly what we need.

HILDA:
A roach motel?

Zelda, this guy is a captain of industry.
There's no way he'd stay at a motel.

Okay, fine.

The Roach-Carlton.

Nice,
except for the faint smell of boric acid,

I'd give it four stars.

I've never seen a camera
like this before.

Just push the button, Avedon.

- A picture.
- Mrs. Quick, no.

We gotta get you out of here.

Now, don't get too upset, okay?
There's gotta be a simple explanation.

It's a bee sting, isn't it?

Okay.

I thought I heard buzzing earlier,
but I attributed it to my tinnitus.

MAN [OVER P.A.]: The next dance
is for our king and queen nominees,

and then it's time
for everyone to vote.

Mrs. Quick, don't panic, okay?

We're gonna rush you
to the hospital.

Everything will be fine.
I just need one minute.

Got him.

I knew he couldn't resist
that thumbnail-sized Toblerone.

Thank goodness.
Zap him back so we can to home.

Right.

- But first a little good-natured t*rture.
- Hilda?

Where am I?

Um... We found you wandering
out in the street.

I think you may have hit your head.
Do you feel all right?

Do you perhaps feel
like you now understand

what it's like to be the little guy?

In constant fear of unfeeling giants?

No, I feel strong.

In fact,

I feel like I could withstand
a nuclear holocaust.

I suppose this means
you're going to go ahead

and build
your Everything Emporium now.

What?

I'm gonna climb Mount Everest,
bike across Death Valley,

I'm gonna eat my weight in garbage.

Why would I wanna waste
my indestructibleness on business?

See?
I told you overreacting would work.

Harvey, stop fidgeting.

Try and look
like we're having a good time.

I feel like all we're being judged on
is how we look.

- How do I look?
- Gorgeous.

- Will you stop asking me that?
- Stop yelling at me.

Nobody's gonna vote for us
if it looks like we're fighting.

But do I really look okay?

Okay, I'm sorry. Let's just dance.

Gotta go.

Dreama,
have you seen my camera?

- No, but you can use mine.
SABRINA: Look for it, please.

Something tells me
this is about more than a camera.

- Thank you for helping me back here.
- My pleasure.

I was feeling a little disoriented.

Ooh.

I wonder if I could scurry up
those curtains.

Come on, Hilda, let's go.

Call the elevator. I'll be right there.

[LAUGHS]

I'm beginning to think
you have a problem.

And now, the moment
everyone's been waiting for,

the king and queen
of this year's Snowflake Ball are:

Harvey Kinkle
and Sabrina Spellman.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Sabrina?

And I thought dancing alone
was embarrassing.

I can't believe she's missing this.

Hello. Ahem.

I'm grateful for the honour and all,
but since Sabrina's disappeared,

maybe you guys
should pick somebody else.

SABRINA:
No.

- Sabrina?
SABRINA: Oh. My foot.

[WHISPERS] Sorry.
SABRINA: Dreama, do me a favour.

Go on stage and stall them
until I can find the camera, would you?

Okay, but only because people
are starting to think

I'm talking to myself.

SABRINA: Here I am in my moment
of glory, and no one can see me.

Too bad
I'm not a bigger fan of irony.

She's really level-headed,
and pretty down-to-earth.

Is that girl talking about me?

Yeah, I voted for Sabrina too.

I mean, she's nice and she definitely
doesn't follow the pack.

Great, I dieted until I became invisible
and spent a load of money on a dress

and they voted for me
because I don't normally do that.

I'm back.

All I needed to restore myself
was a little self-esteem.

And I definitely don't need to diet.

In fact, if I don't eat something,
I'm gonna keel over.

Mrs. Quick.

Sorry about your dress.

Oh, that's okay.

If you don't mind, I think I'll keep this
for the next time I swell up.

It happens fairly often.

Good news is, we didn't have to go
to the emergency room.

Yeah, I suppose you're right.

Although part of me was looking
forward to all the excitement.

And now my personal favourite,
Mr. Bunny Rabbit.

[CROWD BOOS]

Hey, where have you been?

Awash in social pressure, but I'm back.
And I've got something to say.

Well, don't tell the story about
the two priests on the golf course

- because Dreama already did that.
- It got a laugh.

I wanna say that I learned
an important lesson tonight.

I realise that what a person looks like
on the outside

doesn't matter as much
as what she's like inside.

I think this belongs to Sabrina.

Or Allan Carr.

Don't get me wrong,
I'm all for hygiene and grooming,

but thanks to you,
I'll be keeping it in perspective.

QUICK: This is a moment
she'll never want to forget.

Say, cheese.

Mrs. Quick, no.

So there we were,
receiving our crowns,

when suddenly
Sabrina ballooned out.

She was huge.

At this time, we think a rogue bee
may have been the culprit.

Wow.

I hope she wasn't planning
to wear it to the prom.

Well, I'm sure Sabrina will be fine.
Thanks for bringing her home.

SABRINA:
Is the coast clear?

Ugh. I have learned my lesson.
I am never starving myself again.

Honey, just remember,

if you just eat right
and get regular exercise,

you'll never have a problem.

SALEM:
Mm. It's always worked for me.

Are there any more apple delights?