04x15 - Love in Bloom

[bunniefuu]

I can't figure out an original gift
to get Harvey for Valentine's Day.

Cologne he'll never use.
A red sweater he'll never wear.

A teddy bear holding a sign
that says, "I heart you."

It's not easy coming up with something
masculine, romantic and red.

Unless it's salmon.

Nothing says love
like things that swim upstream.

[TOASTER DINGS, ZELDA GASPS]

Oh. I can't believe this finally came.

Oh, Sabrina,
here is the perfect gift for Harvey:

A certificate for a special gondola ride
through the Milky Way.

Which would be harder to explain,
the flying gondola

or that I actually know a good burger
joint on that side of the galaxy?

Oh, don't worry,
a mortal won't remember the ride

but will be filled
with a special feeling of love.

Like he's just sated himself
on pounds of coho.

I remember when you sent for this.
You were gaga over some mortal.

Mm. Ulysses S. Grant.

Oh, that's right. Good old Ulie.

- Whatever happened to him?
- He got old and d*ed.

I can't believe
you waited a hundred years for this.

Nothing's worth waiting...

Hey, it's got a coupon
for free chocolates.

I know what I'm having for dinner.

But I don't think
I'll redeem that free anvil coupon.

[GULPING]

Harvey is gonna love
this magic gondola ride.

I just hope
he didn't get me the same thing.

[BIRD CHIRPING]

Ah. The first robin of spring.

That's him. Devil bird.

That miserable little magpie

has been keeping me up all night
with his incessant chirping.

He must be stopped.

Oh, if only we had house cat
to rid us of this terrible blight.

You're right.

What kind of feline am I?

Bird, prepare to be Salem-ated.

Sabrina, what if he actually catches
that poor defenceless bird?

SALEM: Little help. Oh, boy.
- Never mind.

[SALEM GRUNTING]

Whew. Hoo.

I think we should downplay
Valentine's Day around Hilda.

I just felt so sorry for her
this morning.

I mean, you have Harvey
and I have Willard.

If it's any consolation,
I think she feels worse for you.

She's been so depressed ever since
she had to send Daniel Boone back.

Now she just spends her days
moping around the attic.

So you really never had
an Indian friend named m1ngo? Heh.

No, ma'am, there isn't much
companionship in the wild.

Believe me,
when a tree falls in the forest, I hear it.

Well, you can stay here
as long as you like.

I mean,
until we get bored of each other,

or my sister finds out.

Look at this.

It's just addressed, "To my valentine."
And it's not signed.

"Dear valentine,
I wish I could express in words

how truly special you are to me."

Harvey can be so sweet.

Sabrina.

Clearly this was written by a worldly,
sophisticated, mature man.

My monkey.

Come on, this has
"lovesick adolescent" written all over it.

[KNOCKS]

Good morning.
Thought I could walk you to work.

Thank you for my valentine.

Valentine?
I didn't send you a valentine.

But I did get you this stick of gum.

It's sugarless. And this watch.

Before I have to thank you
for your high-tops,

Valentine's Day isn't
until Monday.

I knew that.

I can't walk you to work,
because I have to go to the mall

and get them to gift-wrap the stuff
I already got you.

Oh, monkey,
I'm so sorry you're sick.

Drink fluids.

I love you.

He's got a cold and he's got no idea
it's Valentine's Day.

Well, if Harvey didn't send it
and Mr. Kraft didn't send it,

then it must have been sent
for Aunt Hilda.

Sabrina, you're right.

And it couldn't have come
at a better time.

[HILDA WHISTLING]

Do we still have
any of that venison left?

It's a wonder
she can get up in the morning.

Aunt Hilda,
look what came for you in the mail.

An anonymous valentine
from some secret admirer.

It couldn't be for me.

I'll be up in the attic
making sure our wiring is up to code.

She's breaking my heart.

Relax, I don't want your powder pouch
or your chaw of tobacco.

Valentine's Day isn't until Monday.

Good, because I'm fixing
to make you a nice fur cap.

If I could just trap
that pesky black varmint

I see scurrying around here.

That's our family pet,
so if you're thinking of trapping him--

He loves peanut butter.

[CHIRPING]

Shut up, shut up, shut up.

Why must you keep tormenting me?

I've got bad news.
That insane voice in your head is you.

No, it's that bird.
I know he's taunting me.

If I could just understand
what he's saying.

BIRD: Hey, everybody,
look at this pathetic tub of fur

who couldn't catch a bird
if his life depended on it.

Now it's personal.

One double vanilla latte with a dash
of cinnamon to kick it up a notch.

Thanks, but who needs cinnamon
when I got your smile.

[CHUCKLES]

[CASH REGISTER BEEPING]

The number one perk about this job,
besides the low pay and bad hours,

is getting to flirt
with every cute guy in Westbridge.

Hey, an anonymous valentine
showed up at our house today.

- Maybe it's from one of these guys.
- You got an anonymous valentine?

The girl with the devoted boyfriend
also gets the secret admirer?

And they say life isn't fair.

We're out of fat-free muffins,

so push these calcium-rich
cheese Danish.

So any big plans
for Valentine's Day?

A gondala-riffic night out
with Harvey. Nothing special.

Though it appears our Sabrina
may have a secret admirer.

Oh, really? Any ideas?

Like any secret admirer,
he prefers to remain anonymous.

[HICCUPS]

You okay?

Oh. I've gotta stop wolfing down
those pickled eggs.

Cute, and she eats like a trucker.

Apparently,
if you're in love with someone,

even their involuntary muscle
contractions are endearing.

There are lots of ways
of trapping a bird.

The simplest is the
"box and the piece of string" method.

[SNICKERS]

Now, what animal
would be slow enough to get caught--?

Whoa! What happened?

I don't understand
why you aren't more interested

in who sent you this valentine.

Because for every handsome,
debonair man that might have sent it,

there's a guy
with a plate in his head.

I just wanna see you happy.

I couldn't be happier.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'll be up in the attic.

While you're up there, could you
grab me some buckshot, honeybee?

I wanna show Salem here
how to load a musket.

I think honeybee's got
some explaining to do.

- What does "stay in the attic" mean?
- Don't worry.

Your cat said he'd warn me
at the first sign of trouble.

Watch out, here they come.

- Hilda, I can't believe--
- Hold on.

You wouldn't wanna hurt
a person who...

Someone apparently
loves very much.

HARVEY:
Hey.

Hope you're not still mad
about Valentine's Day,

but I brought you a chocolate kiss
and a real one.

[HICCUPS]

Number one cure for hiccups,
a spoonful of sugar.

Yes, but only the special sugar
we have at home. See you.

She's still mad.

This weekend,
I'm buying myself a calendar.

Even though our paths
only crossed for an instant,

you'll always have a special place
in my heart.

Ditto.

Boy, I'm really gonna miss him.

And now I'm done.
Do you wanna get pedicures?

You know, you should never
have broken the Other Realm rules

and kept him up in the attic
all that time.

The basement was mouldy.

And now you're all alone.

Oh, you poor dear.

Interesting. You were less irritating
when you were angry.

You are so brave.

I am not gonna rest until I find out
who sent you this valentine.

How are you gonna do that?
Interview every guy I've ever dated?

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

ZELDA:
Excuse me.

All right, all right.

All the A's over
by the cash register, please.

And have your handwriting samples
out and ready for analysis.

I know this isn't the point
of this exercise,

but some of these guys
owe me money too.

It's not fair. I haven't used my magic,
I haven't done a spell.

I haven't disobeyed my aunts, and yet
I'm hiccupping sparkly pink hearts.

Yep, life's just one big adventure.

And speaking of adventure,

come with me deep into the bush
as we stalk the elusive dickey bird.

Sometimes I think you work
at being annoying.

No, not really.

So that was a dead end.

But I think
if we systematically retrace your steps

over the last three months--

Sometimes I think you actually work
at being annoying.

No, not really.

- Where have you been?
- Uh--

Sweaty brow, panicked expression,

frantically looking
through the magic book.

- Just what every parent wants.
- Look.

[HICCUPS]

Sabrina, this looks serious.
What's the matter with you?

It's a very funny story. I don't know.

You put Sabrina to bed,
I'll call Cupid.

- Cupid?
- Cupid.

He handles all heart-related matters,
literal or figurative.

Who gives the second opinion,
the Easter Bunny?

What's with the getup, bwana?

I'm going big-game hunting.

It looks like a big game
doodied on your hat.

Yeah, well,
it happened to Hemingway all the time.

[HEART b*ating]

SALEM:
Wow, your heart's b*ating louder

than the bass
on a Deadhead's boom box.

Oh, I can't imagine why.

My anxiety level is in
"there aren't enough lifeboats" territory.

Finally. Where's Cupid?

Cupid's a little backed up
with Valentine's Day,

so he had to send his assistant.

- Where's the patient?
- Roland?

Okay, you've scared me,
but I've still got the hiccups.

You know,
some people collect stamps.

Other people seem to collect jobs.

Helping people find love
is my true calling.

Plus, I already had the outfit.

So, what seems to be the problem?

Well, my heart is racing,
I'm hiccupping valentines

and you're in my bedroom.

How can you make
all three go away?

Calm down.
I'm sure Roland can help.

Sorry, I meant that to sound sincere.

[CHIRPING]

Now you mock me
in front of my family?

Why, you...

ZELDA:
Salem, no.

SALEM:
Yick, ack, doolt! My spleen.

- Oh.
SALEM: I'm okay.

He's got nine lives
and I'm working on the only one I got.

Well, I really won't know anything
until I open her up.

Open me up?

I may be the only one concerned here,
but he's not a doctor and I'm a bleeder.

The key to your heart.

No, that's to the Volvo.

Here it is.

Allow me.

What are you gonna do?
I knew I should've gotten The Club.

ZELDA:
There's the problem.

Your heart
is made of valentine's candy.

Oh, good, I was afraid
it was gonna be something serious.

Okay, so I have a heart
that's made of valentine candy

that says, "Be mine. No, be mine."

Why is this happening to me?
I eat oat bran.

Not a priority, you might think
about getting your hinges oiled.

Well, Roland, don't just stand there
fingering your tunic, help her.

I'll see what I can find
in the magic book.

I remember this
from the training manual.

Your condition is very serious.

You must follow
my instructions precisely.

What do I have to do?

- First, take my hand.
- Then what?

Be patient.

[HUMMING]

Is this to make me feel better?

I don't know about you,
but I'm in heaven.

- Get out.
- What do you want from me?

I'm just a temp.
These wings aren't even real.

ZELDA:
Here it is.

"Candy Heart Syndrome."

Well,
Roland was right about one thing.

Your condition is quite serious.

A witch gets it
only around Valentine's Day

when two mortals
are vying for her heart.

Two? What two?

Harvey's the only one
vying for my heart.

- At least before it was chewable.
- There must be someone else.

Hilda, I'm so sorry,

but this means that
that valentine wasn't for you.

It was for Sabrina.

Oh, no, I'm crushed. I can't go on.

Smirk,
though your heart is breaking.

Oh, yeah, Aunt Hilda's
problem's a lot more monumental

than the girl with the candy heart.

It's true. Sabrina's right.

We have to focus all of our attention
and support on her. All of it.

SALEM:
Help, emergency. Come quick.

- Be right back.
- It did sound dire.

Well,
no one can say they coddle me.

[SOBBING]

Salem, what's the matter?

I k*lled him.

I landed on him
when I fell out of the tree.

All I wanted to do was scare, humiliate
and emotionally scar him for life.

I didn't wanna hurt him.

- He's still breathing.
- Do birdie CPR, stat.

One, two, three, four, five.
Breathe.

[EXHALES]

Sorry to keep harping about this,
but it says in this book

that my symptoms are gonna get
worse over the next couple of hours.

How can they get any worse?

[HEART b*ating FASTER]

Well, that's one way.

Do you think anyone will believe
I have a live ferret in my bra?

He's alive.

Thank you, big guy.

Okay, next crisis.

Sabrina,
you've got to stop one of those mortals

from vying for your heart.

If you don't,
you'll become cold and heartless

and unable to love anyone.

- Not even Harvey.
- What?

But how can I get a complete stranger
to stop liking me?

I know. I gotta figure out
who sent that valentine.

I have an idea.

We'll check out every boy
you ever met.

Oh, no.
We're not going through that again.

I suppose you have a better idea.

Yes.
I'm calling in a valentine expert.

No.

Did you not hear me say no?

Well, if it isn't the girls
from Ungrateful Junction.

Can't handle this one
without me, huh?

Is there some extra fee we could pay
for you to drop the attitude?

Just tell me who sent this.

Give me one good reason
why I should help you do anything.

Because if you don't,

your wings will no longer be
on your back

but someplace
much more uncomfortable.

Oh, well,
I guess we have a deal, then.

Old cherub party trick.

Josh? Josh is my secret admirer?

And he still only pays me
. an hour?

Well,
there's a little matter of my fee.

Sabrina, you have to find Josh
and get him to stop liking you.

Unless you wanna be the person who
wears their heart on their sleeve literally.

Hey, look, it stopped.
I must be getting better.

["LOVE IN BLOOM" PLAYING]

I know I'm gonna regret asking this,
but what's that music?

I think it's Jack Benny's
old theme song, "Love in Bloom."

[SINGING]
You know it isn't a dream

It's love in bloom

Now, cut that out.

Okay, so the consensus
is I'm not getting better.

["LOVE IN BLOOM" PLAYING]

- Josh, I need to talk to you.
- Hey, you're back.

Got that oesophagus under control?

What's with the cheesy Muzak?
I thought the stereo was busted.

Can I use your jacket?
I'm a little chilled.

I'll bring it right back.

[MUSIC STOPS]

Okay, now its stopped.
Am I going crazy?

No, you are.

What's with the jackets?

Uh-- Kleptomania,
one of my many obnoxious qualities.

You don't have
any obnoxious qualities.

Sure I do. Dozens.

I can...

Well, there...

I can be so...

- Cute?
- Really, you think so?

No, no, no. Never.

I am so the opposite of cute.

[CHUCKLES]

Curses, done in by my own cuteness
and lack of obnoxious qualities.

Well, if I can't get him to stop liking me,
I'll just get him to like someone else.

Hey, Josh, have you ever noticed--?

[SINGS LOUDLY]
It's love in bloom

Well, have you?

[MACHINE BEEPING]

SALEM:
Is there anything else I can do?

Fluff your pillow?
Regurgitate a worm?

[CHIRPING]

No, no more TV for you.

Not since you flatlined
during Popular.

- Do you believe in love at first sight?
- Maybe.

Yeah, sure.
I guess I'm something of a romantic.

Great. Hey, come here.

- Do you see love?
- No,

but I do see
a very terrified customer.

[SINGING]
Oh, no, it isn't the spring

It's love in bloom

- Sabrina, are you okay?
- Yeah, fine.

Oh, what about her? She's cute.

[SINGS]
It's love in bloom

What's the matter?
Why do you keep singing that song?

I'm a crazy, insane person.

The person no one would ever
have a secret crush on. Agree?

Not really.

But you should take the day off.

Relax. Get some sleep.

Learn a new song.

The colour's coming back
to his beak.

The insurance companies are right.

Untrained and unqualified people
can treat the sick.

[RINGS]

- Hello?
SABRINA: Hey, it's me.

I wanted to let you know
the music stopped.

Oh, that's great.

[BIRD CHIRPING]

Oh, is that stupid
feather-butt dead yet?

When he finally kicks it,
flush him.

Sabrina, are you all right?

Hey, watch it, buddy,
not everybody likes dogs.

I swear, the blind think
the world owes them something.

- Something's wrong.
- Oh, you think?

I don't have time
to keep yapping with you broads.

I gotta go talk to Josh.
I've been way too nice to him.

Gotta tell the pathetic loser that
he has gotta get a grip and move on.

Sabrina, wait.

Oh, no,
Sabrina's becoming heartless.

If we don't do something soon,
she'll be unable to love anyone.

We've gotta get Josh
to stop liking Sabrina.

I think we both know
what we have to do.

If you must, you must.

This is really gonna cost you
this time.

Hey, Juan Valdez, we need to talk.

Sabrina, how's your stomach?

I brought you another kiss.

Well, they never said which boy
I had to make stop liking me.

Wait, Roland, you can't go in there
dressed like that.

College place.

I've got just the outfit.

Oh, yeah, the wings would have
been much less noticeable.

There's Sabrina.

She's with Harvey.
I hope we're not too late.

Wow, it sure is an awfully long list
of things you don't like about me.

Did I mention "stating the obvious"?

There's Josh. sh**t him.

He has to stop liking Sabrina.

What? And clear the way
for farm boy?

Are you kidding?

I've been waiting for Sabrina
to tell him off for years.

Sabrina, what's the matter with you?

Why are you saying all this?
Don't you love me?

Love? Ha! What's love?

No, everything is just fine.

If I can't have Sabrina, nobody can.

I don't love. I don't love.

If you won't do your job, then I will.

I don't love anyone but you.

Hi, I'm Josh. Capricorn.

I enjoy long walks,
foreign films and your eyes.

You did that on purpose.

A frivolous rebound
is exactly what you need.

What I need is to be an only child.

Tell me everything about you.

Don't leave anything out.
I'm already fascinated.

Okay, junior.

I'm so sorry.

It must have been a weird reaction
to that special sugar at my house.

- Can you forgive me?
- Of course.

I knew it couldn't really be you.

You have the biggest heart
of anyone I know.

Hey, farm boy.

Roland?

- What's your cousin doing here?
ROLAND: This.

Roland. Are you okay?

HARVEY:
Miss Spellman,

I never realised what a devastatingly
attractive woman you are.

Or that I'd ever use the word
"devastatingly" in a sentence.

Happy Valentine's Day.

And now it's time
for the Valentine's Day m*ssacre.

ZELDA:
Oh, aurora borealis.

Look at the stars, Harvey.

I'd rather see them
reflected in your eyes.

Come on, what are you,
three, four years older than me, tops?

Try .

Love can overcome that.

Can I peel you another grape?

Whatever.

Well, thank you for the worst
Valentine's Day of my life.

House calls are pricey.

Besides, like I told you,

everything will go back
to normal after tonight.

Milk Dud?

[BIRD CHIRPING]

SALEM:
Sing us a song of love.

ROLAND: Sabrina, to paraphrase
the great Rod McKuen:

Love is like-- Ah-aah!